


Neurogenesis

by Branwen_Blaidd



Series: Love is a Choice [5]
Category: Sense8 (TV)
Genre: Autistic Character, Bisexual Character, Cluster As Family (Sense8), Disabled Character, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Epic, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Family, Family under threat, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Plot, Plotty, Polyamory, Possible harm to children, Queer Character, Sensate Cluster(s), brand new cluster (Sense8)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:34:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 177
Words: 256,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22977742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Branwen_Blaidd/pseuds/Branwen_Blaidd
Summary: Four years after the defeat of Whispers, the Cluster are closer than ever and all leading their lives. But the world does not stand still and there are new experiences of joy and love to be had, as well as a whole new threat to the happiness they have built.
Relationships: Amanita Caplan/Nomi Marks, Cluster/Cluster (Sense8), Hernando Fuentes/Lito Rodriguez/Daniela Velasquez, Riley Blue/Will Gorski, Sun Bak/Kwan-Ho Mun, Wolfgang Bogdanow/Kala Dandekar/Rajan Rasal, Zakia Asalache/Capheus Onyango
Series: Love is a Choice [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1540948
Comments: 502
Kudos: 220





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a long one. I will be updating often but not everyday, so I can keep my sanity! Hope you enjoy the ride! I'm very excited about bringing this brand new story to you all. Please leave comments to help me keep going! I love every single comment I get!
> 
> For new readers, be aware that this is the 5th in the series and I'd recommend you go back and start with the first one Love in all its Forms, so this one makes sense!

_Beep … Beep … Beep …_

_He watches her chest rise and fall, slow and steady. Her eyelids flicker but her eyes do not open. She has been like this for days, but he knows she won’t be here forever. Maman has told him that soon Grandmѐre_ _will go to heaven._

_He wants to know what will happen, what it will look like but nobody will tell him. He knows heaven isn’t real. It’s just what they say. He knows she will be dead and then they will put her in the ground and she will rot. He wants to know what that looks like._

_Beep…Beep…Beep_

_The noises come quicker and he stands up straighter. He watches the medicine drip into her pale, wrinkled arm. He knows it is helping._

_He wonders if it hurts, if she can feel what her body is doing to her. He wants to know but nobody will tell him that either._

_Beep..Beep..Beep_

_They will come soon and they’ll order him out. But he wants to watch. He wants to see what will happen. Nobody ever tells him anything._

_Beep.Beep.Beep_

_He hears them come running. Maman lets out a cry as she rushes into the room._

_‘Maman!’ she cries. ‘Hans! Come quickly. Emilie, take him out of here.’_

_‘Allez, mon petit homme,’ says his nanny, putting her hands on his shoulders as Papa rushes past them._

_He yanks himself away from her. ‘No, I want to see.’_

_The grownups are all busying themselves around Grandmѐre_ _, fussing and clutching her._

_‘What do we do?’ asks Papa. ‘They said this wouldn’t happen yet.’_

_Maman is crying and he is fascinated to watch. He has never seen her cry. ‘We have to say goodbye.’_

_BeepBeepBeep_

_Grandmѐre’s chest is no longer rising and falling. She is very still. He watches as Maman grasps her hand. He stands still and watches. She isn’t breathing anymore, and her eyelids do not flicker._

_Beeeeeeeeeeeep_

_She is dead. Maman still clutching Grandmѐre'_ _s hand, falls on her, wailing. He is startled; he has never seen Maman like that._

_Emilie puts her arm around his shoulders again, leaning into him, and her blonde hair tickles his cheek. ‘Je suis vraiment désolé, mon petit homme.’_

_He doesn’t respond to her. He doesn’t cry. All he does is watch._

‘Kala, come on,’ Rajan called from the front door of their apartment. ‘Wolfgang’s holding the taxi.’

‘I know, I’m coming,’ Kala responded, as she hurried down the stairs. She glanced at Wolfgang, who was visiting to check on her progress as he waited with the taxi. ‘Have you seen my handbag?’

He smiled. ‘It’s in the taxi with the rest of your luggage. Now, come on. Felix and Oma are already at the airport.’

‘That must be the first time Felix has been early for something,’ she said.

‘Oma is a good influence,’ said Wolfgang, with a fond grin.

She reached Rajan, who was holding her light jacket ready for her and, at last, they headed out. It was August and blazing hot but she always got chilly on the plane so she lay her jacket over her arm as she climbed into the taxi.

Wolfgang grinned at her from the next seat, as Rajan climbed in beside them. ‘Sure you got everything, Liebling?’

‘As long as my handbag is in the trunk like you said it is.’

‘Sure is,’ said Wolfgang with a grin.

‘We’re all set then,’ said Rajan, shutting the car door behind him.

The taxi set off. Wolfgang took Kala’s hand, lacing his fingers through hers. The whole cluster was buzzing with excitement as they all made their way to their different airports. It was nearly their 34th birthday and the whole cluster and their nearest and dearest were heading to Mumbai for a celebration. Those who were able to were going to stay for the Dussehra festival and perhaps Diwali.

Kala was looking forward to seeing her family. The last time had been just after Christmas so it felt like a long time. She could feel Wolfgang’s excitement as well; it was the first time he was going to be able to show his Oma properly around Mumbai, his _other_ home, after their previous visits had only been short ones.

Wolfgang’s phone went off and he let go of her hand to pull it out of his pocket. That little frown appeared between his eyebrows, as it always did when he focused. Then he smiled.

‘Felix says Oma has taken him for a drink while they wait for us. I hope she can stop him getting pissed. It won’t be the first time he’s been stopped from getting on the plane for being too drunk.’

Rajan chuckled. ‘If anyone can stop him, it’s Oma.’

Wolfgang smiled, leaning back in his seat. ‘She’s going to _love_ the festivals.’

‘Riles, where’s my wallet? Have you seen my wallet? Is my passport in the bag already? Have you got the tickets? Or did I have them somewhere?’

Riley rolled her eyes, smiling a little as Will rushed about, looking in unlikely places for his wallet. ‘Your wallet is in your leather jacket. The passports _and_ the boarding passes are in the plastic wallet in my flight bag. Will you calm down, you’d think you’d never flown before.’

Will stopped, frowned at her in confusion, then crossed to where his leather jacket was hanging up on the coat rack and gave a dramatic sigh of relief as he discovered his wallet in the inside pocket. ‘It’s probably one of the others making me stress out.’

She smiled. ‘No, that’s all you.’ She considered. ‘Except maybe the dramatic sigh of relief. That sounded like Lito.’

‘Hey, I heard that,’ said Lito, popping in. He had a sleeping mask pushed up to his forehead. He, Hernando and Daniela were already on their flight, as theirs took the longest, along with Nomi and Amanita’s.

She smiled. ‘Sorry, Lito. Go back to sleep. You’ll need your rest for when we get to Mumbai.’

Lito swayed his hips, grinning at her. ‘Yes! We’re gonna dance all night!’

‘It’s going to be the best!’ declared Capheus, appearing half-dressed and with the biggest smile on his face. He was just getting up, as his flight was the shortest.

Nomi yawned. ‘I hope I’m more awake by then.’

‘You will be,’ said Sun, smiling round at them, as all the cluster appeared together in Will and Riley’s living room. ‘When we are together, we have everything we need.’

Riley and Will smiled at each other. They were going to have the _best_ birthday. Their first breath, the fact that they were all still here, all still together, _that_ was worth the celebration.


	2. Chapter 2

_She runs across the packed, black sand, wet from the rain and battered from the high winds which whistles around her ears. Her brother is way ahead of her. Fitter and stronger than her, the wind doesn’t even seem to bother him_

_‘Erik! Wait for me!’ she calls across Lava Beach as she watches the slight, blond figure of her twin disappearing into the cave._

_For a moment, she panics, her heart racing as her eyes search desperately for her brother. She stops running to get the breath to call again. ‘Erik! Where are you?’_

_The wind whips her voice away and she thinks she will never see him again, that the Huldufólk, the Hidden People, will take him away._

_But then Erik pops back out of the cave and gives her a big grin. ‘Come on, Els! Before the Huldufólk get you!’_

_She runs, helter-skelter, the rest of the way, climbing up the rocks into the cave in a relieved scramble to join Erik. They stand, looking out over the beach and the raging sea beyond. The wind whips up the waves around the rocks standing up proudly in the water. Despite the cold and the wind, she loves it here and she and Erik come here often. He loves the running along the beach and climbing over the rocks. She loves the sea, the wildness of it, the power of it._

_But Erik wants to explore the cave today. He tugs on her arm. ‘Come on.’_

_She drags herself away from the sight of the raging sea and follows him into the cave. It is dark and gloomy in the cave and they can’t see much beyond their own noses._

_But she feels something and, somehow, she knows someone else is there._

_She grasps her brother’s arm. ‘Erik, there’s someone here,’ she hisses. ‘Is it the Huldufólk?’_

_He shakes his head. ‘No. I don’t think they’re real.’_

_But he finds her hand and holds it tight as they walk further into the cave._

_Then they see her. A teenage girl is sitting on a rock, her knees drawn up to her chest. She has long brown hair and wears bright blue headphones over her ears. She’s looking down, hugging her knees and listening to her music in silence. She might be crying but they can’t tell._

_‘I think she wants to be alone,’ Erik says. He tugs her hand and they turn away again. He grins at her. ‘Let’s race home.’_

_As they climb back out of the cave, she looks back at the girl and is startled to find her looking back at them. There are tears on her pale cheeks._

Riley leaned against Will as their plane took off. He put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

‘See you in a few months, Reykjavik,’ he said.

She smiled. Will loved Iceland almost as much as she did. It was wonderful to be able to live there again without the fear and the pain she had felt for so long. Of course, the grief for her losses was still there, it would always be there, but it was no stronger here than it was anywhere else.

These past few years with Will, living in Iceland most of the year and touring round other countries to perform or to visit their family, had been the happiest of her life. It was wonderful, but also frightening. She felt so good, so at peace with herself and her life that it made her feel an undercurrent of worry that it couldn’t possibly last.

Wolfgang squeezed her hand and gave her a half smile. She knew he understand how she felt. It was the way he felt too. Being this happy was kind of terrifying.

She looked up at Will, who had closed his eyes and looked about ready to settle down for a nap. She smiled. She knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, but she had felt like that before and it had all gone wrong and she’d promised herself she would never let herself get in that position again. Yet here she was. And she wanted to do so much with Will, yet she was terrified to do it at the same time.

She sighed and closed her own eyes as the plane steadied and headed off on its journey. They had a long journey ahead of them and only a few hours after that to settle in and rest before they headed out for their birthday celebrations. She had to make the most of the time to sleep now, no matter what thoughts swirled around her brain.

‘Mäuschen!’ Oma called, waving them across to the airport bar she and Felix were sitting in. They’d checked in and been through security in plenty of time, despite Rajan’s worrying.

Wolfgang felt a smile spread across his face as he saw his Oma sitting with Felix enjoying a vodka and tonic. Her face was bright with excitement and she got up to hug him as he approached.

‘Oh, Mäuschen, I am so excited for this visit. Last time was such a quick trip.’

‘We’ll have plenty of time to show you the sights this time, Oma,’ said Wolfgang, releasing her.

She patted his cheek, then went to greet Rajan and Kala. Wolfgang stepped up to Felix and hugged him.

‘Hey, Felix.’

Felix hugged him tight. ‘Hey, brother. There’s free booze on this flight, isn’t there?’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Ja, same as always. But if you get drunk beforehand, they won’t let you board.’

Felix held up his whiskey. ‘Just the one, I promise.’

Felix was well behaved, helped by Oma pointing out that he didn’t want to be hungover on a twelve-hour flight, no matter how comfortable the first-class seats were. The boarding was easy and stress-free, and they knew they would be extremely comfortable on their long journey.

The only problem with them all flying at once was that it made them all feel as though they were on a twenty-hour flight. But it would be worth it when they were all in Mumbai together. Every single person who mattered to Wolfgang was going to be in Mumbai. The Cluster and their partners were going to be staying in their apartment with them, but Oma, Felix and various other friends of the cluster were going to be staying in a hotel close by.

Wolfgang didn’t know exactly what the party was going to be like and nor did Kala, or in fact any of the cluster. Rajan, with the help of Amanita, Zakia, Hernando, Dani and Kwan-Ho, had insisted on planning it all for them, wanting to spoil them. It wasn’t a special birthday but they had other things to celebrate as well.

Nomi and Amanita had decided to look into adoption, Capheus had just been re-elected to office, Lito had just got the lead in a new big Hollywood movie and Sun had had the most successful year yet in rebuilding her father’s business. Wolfgang, Kala, Will and Riley were just happy to celebrate the happy steadiness of their lives with the people they loved.

He settled back in the comfortable first-class seat and put a movie on to nap to. He could feel Riley trying to sleep as well. So often, her thoughts mirrored his. She was happy, like he was, but neither of them could ever truly get away from that fear that it would all come crashing down around them. Neither of them had ever expected to have this sort of happiness and it was natural to not really expect it to stay now. He squeezed her hand, taking as much comfort as he gave her.

Despite their worries, both of them were almost excellent at pushing their worries away and focusing on the here and now and they were both determined to enjoy their celebrations as fully as possible.


	3. Chapter 3

_She runs, joy filling her at the way her legs carry her so fast. The sun is hot on the back of her head and the warm air rushes past her face. The grass is green and the ground seems to bounce beneath her feet._

_She clutches the rugby ball beneath her arm, the firm pressure of it familiar against her side. The try line is in her sights. She’s going to score. No one can stop her._

_She throws herself down between the wobbly old sticks and grins as she hears the yelps of her teammates, their joy pulsing through her._

_As she jumps to her feet, they all crowd to her, leaping on her and hugging her tight. In that moment, it is the world cup and they’ve just won._

_Kiri hugs her the hardest and her skin tingles at her best friend’s touch. ‘We won, Nik! I toa matou!’_

_She hugs Kiri and it is as though they have won the greatest battle against their enemies. But they are not really enemies. In a moment, Kiri will kick the conversion but they have won already. Afterwards they will touch brows with the other team and they will all be friends again, all one iwi._

_As she steps away with her team for Kiri to kick the goal, her gaze searches out her parents to find them both beaming at her. Matua is beaming, his broad face alight with pride. Whaea clutches his arm, her face all smiles and with tears of happiness in her eyes._

_This is the moment she knows. This game is the largest passion in her heart and she knows she will spend the rest of her life playing it._

Nomi watched the movie without really paying attention to it. With the sound of the soft, steady breathing of Amanita beside her, she could have been at home still but she still couldn’t sleep. It felt like a long time since they had all been together. There hadn’t been a need to for years, though they still did, just to be together. They had visited Paris just before Christmas and she still thought back on the two weeks they had spent together. It was good to be together without having to worry about danger.

It was at Christmas that she and Amanita had made their decision. They had been married for four years now and the time was right. They were ready to start a family.

She glanced at Neets and smiled. There had never really been a question of them trying to conceive a child, not when there were so many children out there needing a family. Neets wouldn’t hear of it. She was so generous and loving. Family was important to her but she had been raised since birth to know that family was a choice you made, out of love and not obligation.

It had taken her some time, but Nomi understood that now. The cluster had helped her there. Their connection may have been by circumstance at first but now they chose to be together because they loved each other. They had built their automatic connection into close family bonds and now they trusted each other with their lives and they were part of each other. They were a family now.

Nomi knew that whichever child they ended up parenting, they would become part of the cluster family as well. They would be loved by so many people.

She took Neets’ hand in hers and kissed it, smiling as her wife slept on, peacefully. Their child was going to be so lucky to have Amanita as a mama. She was so loving and fun and interesting. She would be an amazing parent. Nomi was not so sure how well she herself would do. She didn’t know how to be a loving parent; she’d had no example worthy of the description.

Still, she would work it out, with her cluster’s help. Some of them, though not all, had had good parents, parents who loved them and showed it.

‘It’s always frightening, becoming a parent,’ said Riley, her voice soft yet giving nothing away of her own mood. ‘But we’ll be here with you.’

Nomi took her hand and squeezed it gently. ‘I know you will. I’m not sure I’d be able to do it without you all.’

‘We never know what we’re capable of until we have no other choice.’

Nomi looked at her friend and knew she was thinking of the pain and the hard choice she had been forced to make as a parent, the hardest of choices. You had to be prepared that choice, to whatever it took to protect your child. Nomi thought of the pain her own parents had caused in her life by their failure to protect her. She felt a determination flare in her heart. She didn’t even know her child yet but she knew she would do whatever it took to keep them happy, safe and loved.

It felt like days later when Wolfgang, Kala and Rajan finally let themselves into their Mumbai home. They’d dropped Oma and Felix off at their hotel so they could all get some rest before going out that night. It was late morning in Mumbai so there was more than enough time to rest before their celebration.

The others all had keys to the apartment so they would let themselves in as they each arrived. Wolfgang was eager to see everybody and he was looking forward to dancing with them, exchanging laughter and loving touches with them.

But right then, all he wanted was to curl up in bed with his lovers. They abandoned their luggage in their living room, before making their way upstairs to their bedroom. It was strange to come from home to home but there was no denying that Mumbai was as much his home as Paris was, because wherever Rajan and Kala were, that was home.

Kala stretched, yawning as they undressed for bed. They each had some clothes here and she laid out an outfit to put on when they woke, then climbed into bed in her underwear. Rajan stripped to his boxers and Wolfgang stripped naked, as usual. He found it difficult to sleep wearing anything that resembled clothing.

‘I don’t know why I feel so tired when I slept so much on the plane,’ Kala said, smiling as her lovers got into bed either side of her.

Rajan kissed her cheek. ‘We have been travelling all day, my love. You’ll feel alert again after a couple of hours sleeping in a proper bed.’

Wolfgang snuggled up on her other side, pulling the covers over the three of them. ‘Are you sure you won’t tell us exactly what we have to be alert for?’ he asked, his arm coming to rest across Kala’s flat stomach.

Rajan grinned, lacing his fingers through Wolfgang’s and nuzzling into Kala’s hair. ‘I’m certain. You’ll have to wait and see. But don’t worry, it’ll be worth the wait.’

Wolfgang smirked back at him. ‘I don’t doubt it,’ he said, before closing his eyes to let himself drift into sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

_He runs across the rough, sandy ground, dribbling the ball, heading towards the makeshift goal set by their shirts on the ground. The sun is blisteringly hot on his bare chest and the air is still around them. It is difficult to believe that any of the threats America holds over them will ever happen. His mother says America hates Syria but he doesn’t understand what they have ever done to them._

_Halim tackles him and he grunts with surprise as he loses hold of ball and stumbles, skinning his knees on the gravely sand._

_‘Hey!’ he calls indignantly after his friend. But Halim is already speeding towards the goal. He shakes his head as his friend scores. He gets to his feet, laughing as Halim pulls his shirt over his head to celebrate._

_‘I’m on your team. You’re not supposed to tackle me.’_

_Halim kicks the ball at him and he catches it neatly. ‘You were too slow. Anyway, it’s not a real game, Anwar.’_

_‘We still won,’ says Latif._

_Khalid grabs the ball from and starts doing tricks with it. He’s always been a show-off. ‘Let’s play again! We’ve got all afternoon.’_

_He shrugs and grins. ‘All right. But we’re swapping teams so I can tackle Halim if he’s going to tackle me.’_

_As the new game starts, he feels like he could laugh and shout. There is nothing better than being with his friends._

Wolfgang woke to the feeling of warmth, of being surrounded by his loved ones. He could feel Rajan’s fingers were still laced with his, both their hands resting on Kala’s hip. He could feel the rest of the cluster with them, all sleeping. Wolfgang smiled as he felt them. He could feel they were nearby, probably all in the flat now, sleeping wherever they could. There were spare bedrooms here, and they were all made up ready, but there was probably some sharing going on.

He opened his eyes and chuckled as he realised that Will and Riley were actually in the bed with them. It was not the first time the five of them had shared the bed and it would not be the last. Wolfgang was glad Rajan had replaced the bed with a bigger one a year ago.

Will was spooning against him, with Riley on his other side. He was asleep, nuzzling into his shoulder and holding Riley’s hand at his chest. Kala stirred in his arms and he could feel her recognising the cluster’s presence as well.

He felt further and he could feel Sun. She was on the sofa, with Mun, his head resting against her chest. She was only dozing and would soon be properly awake. He could feel Capheus in one of the bedrooms. He was awake, but enjoying the warmth of a sleeping Zakia in his arms.

Lito was waking up now, aroused from a dream and beginning to move with Hernando. Amanita was waking Nomi up with kisses along her shoulder and a gentle hand in her hair.

Wolfgang smiled as he felt Will stir behind him. He kissed the back of Wolfgang’s neck and he felt Riley’s fingers flexing against his back. Kala reached up to kiss him softly, sleepily. He traced his hands across her skin and, at the same time, he felt Nomi’s soft, pale skin beneath his hand. Will’s hand was gentle and loving as he stroked his hip.

Capheus’s hand was warm on his shoulder and his joy at their reunion was palpable. Riley’s mouth was soft on his cheek and her could feel her warmth and her love. Lito’s movements were familiar in his strength; he never held back in his passion. He kissed them all, exuberant in his love for them all.

He could feel Sun’s passion as well, though hers was less demonstrative, quieter but just as deep. The smile she gave him before she kissed him was small but heartfelt.

They moved together, their love flowing through each other. Their bodies were one, their minds were one, eight were one.

Then Will was pulling back and sitting up and so was Riley. Wolfgang stretched and sat up and Kala shook Rajan awake.

Wolfgang looked into Will and Riley’s faces, studying them like it had been months since he had seen them. He hugged them each in turn before he got up and left Kala to have her moment with them.

He got dressed and went downstairs, knowing that the others were getting up too now. Sun came over to him as he got into the living room and hugged him.

‘It is good to see you.’

He hugged her tight and he didn’t need to say anything. He knew she understood him and how much he missed her.

‘We should fight while you’re here,’ he said and she smiled and nodded.

Then the others were coming down, filling the living room with their presence. They came together as one, not just in their minds this time, but their bodies. They held each other, not just the eight of them, but the others they loved as well. They were all one family now.

‘So,’ said Wolfgang, pulling back as the group hug ended and looking at Rajan. ‘Do we get to know where we’re going yet, now that we’re all here.’

Rajan smiled and checked the time. ‘In about two hours, we’re going off to dinner, then we’re going to a party on the beach. I’ve arranged a marquee and food. Kala, your father is providing the food so we know it’ll be good.’

Kala smiled. ‘It sounds wonderful.’

‘What about music?’ asked Riley.

‘We’ve booked a band,’ said Amanita, grinning at Riley. ‘You’ll gonna love it.’

‘Yes!’ declared Lito, slinging his arm around Hernando’s shoulders and jumping exuberantly. ‘We’re gonna dance all night.’

Wolfgang laughed as Lito danced around the living room, hugging them all. They were going to have the best birthday celebration of their lives. They were all going to be together, all celebrating each other and their love for each other. They had been through so much together and they knew that they would be there for each other, no matter what the future held.


	5. Chapter 5

_She walks out of class with the others but slips away by herself as they reach the playground. She hurries straight to her usual corner of the yard, where there is a low wall she can lean on._

_Out of her school satchel she pulls out of her headphones and puts them on. She doesn’t listen to music but they block out the happy shrieks and laughter of her classmates as they play during their brief break._

_She takes out her sketchbook and her pencils. They have just done Shodo in class so black ink joins the pencil marks always on her fingers._

_She’s excited about the next part in the story she is creating and she has been looking forward to drawing that panel all day. She starts to draw, her imagination taking her into the story, into faraway lands and the fantastic creations that pour out of her mind and onto the paper._

_Someone taps her on the shoulder and she feels a flash of annoyance at being interrupted. She pulls off her headphones and looks up. Hoshi is standing there, a big friendly smile on her face._

_‘Do you want to come and play, Tora? We’re playing Hopscotch.’_

_‘No thank you, Hoshi. I’d rather draw.’_

_Hoshi frowns, confused. ‘Oh.’ She shrugs. ‘Well, if you want to play just come over, anytime.’_

_‘That’s very kind, Hoshi but I probably won’t.’_

_Hoshi shrugs. ‘Suit yourself,’ she says and runs back over to her friends._

_Tora pulls her headphones back on and sinks back into her creating._

They were having a light dinner in Sanyam’s restaurant before the party. The conversation was dominated by the cluster’s partners and other family, since they didn’t get to talk to each other whenever they wanted. Wolfgang was content to let the conversation wash over him, just enjoying the presence of all the people he loved in one place.

Kala’s family was there too, though not Rajan’s, to the relief of both Wolfgang and Rajan. Kala’s parents had both hugged Wolfgang warmly in greeting, which still surprised him and, by her sister’s giggling, it was clear she still had a little bit of a crush on him, despite being engaged to a pleasant, although quite shy man who had been part of her friendship circle for a few years.

Wolfgang still couldn’t get over how warmly they always greeted him. Every single member of Kala’s family had welcomed him with open arms, though he often got the impression the wider family didn’t quite understand his role. But the fact that he spoke flawless Hindi seemed to sway them to his side. They all treated him like he really was family.

Kala slipped her hand through his, catching his thought. ‘Of course you are,’ she said, softly.

He gave her a warm smile, feeling his gaze softening as he looked at her. He still didn’t understand how it was possible, not only for him to love her so much, but for her to love him back.

‘Wolfgang, how are your pakora coming on?’ asked Sanyam.

Wolfgang looked across at him. ‘Getting there, I think. They’re holding their shape well but they’re still not spicy enough for Kala. I just don’t want to make them too spicy for Rajan.’

Sanyam waved a hand. ‘Oh, he’d get used to it.’

Wolfgang smirked at Rajan’s indignant face. ‘I’m sure I’ll get the balance just right eventually.’

‘You should help me in the kitchen for the Diwali feast. I’d be happy to show you a few things.’

‘Oh, you really don’t have to,’ Wolfgang started.

Oma put a hand on his, patting his arm lightly. ‘It is always good to learn new things, Mäuschen.’

Wolfgang smiled, though he felt his cheeks getting a little warm. Will, halfway down the table, visited him, sliding his arm around his shoulders and hugging him. ‘Aww, you’re so cute when you blush.’

Wolfgang brushed him off. ‘I am not cute,’ he said in a visit. Will just laughed before he pulled away.

‘That’s very kind of you, Sanyam. I’d like that.’

Sanyam beamed at him. ‘Excellent. I look forward to it immensely.’ He turned his attention to Capheus and started asking him about the latest news of his political career.

Oma linked Wolfgang’s arm. ‘I can’t believe you’re 34, Mäuschen. I still remember so clearly the day you were born.’

‘Were you there?’ he asked, smiling at her and thinking about the vision of the moment of his birth. They all assumed they were real memories, that that was all part of being a sensate. They didn’t question how it worked.

‘I was. It was just us, because he was in prison. The midwife was such a gentle person, so encouraging.’

Wolfgang noticed how she skirted around the topic of his father. Neither of them liked to mention his name unless they had to.

‘It was a waterbirth, wasn’t it? Mama told me.’

‘Irina always loved the water, from when she was a little girl. Said it made her feel safe and calm.’

‘I’ve always felt the same.’

She smiled, reaching up to stroke his cheek with one finger. The warmth of her love spread through him and he smiled. She gazed at him.

‘You’d make a wonderful father, Mäuschen.’

Wolfgang frowned and looked away. He took a drink of his beer. ‘Are you coming to the beach with us, Oma?’

She looped her arm through his and squeezed gently. ‘Ja, I’ll come but I won’t be able to stay as late as you all. I’m too old to be a party animal now.’

He laughed at her phrasing. Sanyam reached across the table took her hand in a friendly gesture. ‘We’ll drop you back at your hotel when we’ve had enough of the party scene.’

‘I’m going to stay out at least as long as this lot,’ said Felix. He grinned at Oma. ‘But I’ll join you for breakfast, Oma.’

She patted Felix’s cheek. ‘You’re going to need a good breakfast if you drink as much as you normally do.’

Felix laughed. ‘I will, because I’ll be drinking a lot more. It’s not every day your brother has a birthday.’

Wolfgang snorted. ‘As if you need the excuse, Felix.’

Felix just shrugged. Wolfgang smiled. It was good to have a family that all got on, well if you didn’t think about Rajan’s parents. Wolfgang looked at Rajan, sitting on Kala’s other side. He was chatting to Amanita, his face animated. Rajan was the sort of person who wanted to get on with everybody but he made a special effort with the cluster and their partners. He knew that family was more than who you were related to. Family was about love, about choosing to love and cherish the people important to you.

He looked around at the table. Everyone sat around the large table now was part of his family. Just being with them was all he wanted out of life now, just to be with his family. They were all that mattered to him.


	6. Chapter 6

_The only light is the headlamps of the other cars as they flash past them on the motorway. She is in the back, her notebook resting on her lap. There isn’t really enough light to see by but she writes anyway. Her last story was in Welsh so this one is in English and she’s not decided how it will go yet; she only knows the ending._

_Da is driving, singing along merrily to the radio. Mam is dozing, occasionally stirring to tell Da to sing quieter. It is very late and Mam did tell her she should sleep too but there is too much to do. She always has too much she wants to do._

_‘We’re nearly home,’ says Da, cheerily._

_She looks up to see the sign for Cardiff and instead sees the truck a second before it hits them._

_The screech deafens her, the light blinds her and the force that throws her body forward creates a sharp pain across the line of her seat belt._

_Her notebook has flown off somewhere and she no longer knows which way is up. She can smell the sharp copper tang of blood in the air._

_There is a silence that seems to drag on forever. Then Mam’s voice, thin and shaking, reaches her ears._

_‘Mari, Mari.’_

_Da says nothing. Mari keeps her eyes closed. She doesn’t want to see, because she knows Da is never quiet._

It was official; Rajan threw the best parties. The band was good and none of them could resist dancing. There was a proper marquee set up, where the snacks and drinks were and Rajan had organised seats in there.

But none of the cluster spent much time in there. Their older guests did, preferring to talk rather than dance to the loud music. But the cluster didn’t need to be able to hear to communicate.

Wolfgang moved to the music without thinking, pure joy undulating through him. He could feel each member of his cluster with him, that same joy pulsing through them all. Kala hadn’t stopped smiling all evening, the smile inside her as well as on her face. He took her hand, twirling her around. Rajan was jumping to the music, laughing and his eyes full of happiness. He reached for Wolfgang, his arm slipping around his waist as they danced together.

The warmth of the firepit and the relative coolness of the night air swept over him and the dry sand was pleasant beneath his toes. He pulled Rajan close and kissed him, not caring who saw because they were among people he trusted here.

Rajan grinned at him, both hands going to his waist now. ‘You enjoying your party?’ he asked.

Wolfgang kissed him again, not able to help it. ‘I am.’ He glanced around at the others.

Kala grinned at him, sliding up to them and slipping her arms around both their waists. ‘We all are,’ she said.

‘Good, because otherwise I’d have to do something about it.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Well, aren’t you the perfect man, apart from the snoring and your tendency to steal my t-shirts.’

Rajan smirked, putting his arms around Wolfgang’s neck. ‘That’s your fault, for making them smell so good.’

Wolfgang chuckled, looking at Kala. ‘Has he always been this much of a charmer?’

She smiled, kissing Rajan’s cheek. ‘Yes, always.’

Nomi swayed with her wife, utter contentment and happiness flowing through her. Amanita’s head rested against her shoulder and she could feel her smile against her skin. Nomi dropped a kiss into her hair, feeling its softness against her cheek.

In that moment, she knew she couldn’t be happier. Yes, there were things they wanted. They wanted a family and they were going to get one, if all went to plan. But they didn’t need that to make them happy. They just wanted to welcome a child, or more than one, into their happy little world.

Their lives would change when that happened. They knew that. But it was a change they wanted, a change that was important to them. Maybe it was time for one more.

Nomi pulled back and looked at her wife. Amanita looked up at her, smiling. ‘You having fun, sweetheart?’ she asked.

Nomi nodded. ‘I am.’

Amanita tilted her head up and kissed her.

Nomi kept her arms snugly around her waist and just felt her warmth. ‘It’s so good to just be together.’

‘We have a lot to be thankful for. There have been hard times, but it’s all been worth it, hasn’t it?’

Nomi let out a happy laugh. ‘Yeah. Everything has been worth it.’

Capheus cupped Zakia’s jaw, stroking her soft, smooth skin and kissing her. She moved against him and his hands slipped down to follow the movement of her hips as she danced.

He knew how lucky he was to have found her. She understood him, almost instinctively. No one else was like that, except his cluster.

He loved the way she danced, so free and so joyfully. Her body moved unencumbered by self-consciousness and every time he saw her dance, he fell in love with her all over again.

He was a different person because of her. He had an actual career because of her and he was making a difference to his community, fighting for them. He would never have done any of it without her.

She smiled at him. ‘What _are_ you looking at me like that for?’ she asked.

‘No reason,’ he said, sliding his hands around her waist and kissing her. ‘Just because I love you.’

Sun stood a little way away from the others, smoking a cigarette and watching the dancing. She had been dancing herself, with Kwan-Ho, with the cluster, with everybody. But now, she was just watching.

She permitted herself a smile as she watched them. Their lives had all been so steady, so happy over the last few years. It was good. Unexpected but good. She hadn’t been looking for happiness but it had found her.

Kwan-Ho left the dancing and came over to her. He was smiling. He always smiled so easily. She found herself smiling more when she was around him.

He sidled up to her, his hand coming to rest naturally in the small of her back. She enjoyed the familiar affection between them. He was so free with his affection and him, and the cluster, had made her more like that as well.

‘Fed up of dancing, Ms Bak?’ he asked, that familiar smirk on his face.

She felt her mouth curve in a smile. ‘Not yet, Detective.’

He held out his hand and she took it. He gave her that charming smile, the one that gave her butterflies in her stomach.

‘Then would you care to join me on the dancefloor again, Ms Bak.’

She felt her smile widen. ‘You really should stop calling me that.’

He grinned at her. ‘Never.’

She laughed and let him pull her onto the dancefloor.

Lito was dancing his heart out. He was having the best time. It was his birthday. He was with his Hernando. He was with his cluster. What could be better than this?

He twirled Hernando round, grinning as he made his lover laugh. He pulled him back towards him, sliding his arm around his waist and dipping him. Hernando gazed up at him, those dark eyes twinkling with delight.

He brought him close, so tight there was nothing between them. They kissed, the world slowing around them until it was just the two of them.

‘My Lito,’ murmured Hernando, with such reverence in his voice.

Lito stroked his face. ‘My Hernando, mi amor.’

Will’s face hurt from smiling and his legs were starting to get tired but he didn’t want to stop dancing. He never wanted to stop. Riley was with him, her entire self focused on him. Her body moved with his and her joy was almost shouting at him.

They had so much to celebrate, so much to be thankful for. They had each other. They had their cluster, their loved ones. They had their happiness.

Things weren’t perfect. Perfect was impossible and he knew that. He had always wanted to make a family of his own, maybe have children. But the most important thing to him now was Riley’s happiness, and he would do anything to make her happy. He understood her fears and he wasn’t going to pressure her. Whatever she wanted, that was good enough for him.

She pulled him close and kissed him, full of passion and joy. He could feel the heat of her body against him, her breath hot and heavy on his face. She pulled away and looked at him with a smile.

‘Isn’t it good to all be together?’

He grinned back at her. ‘Always.’

The cluster were eight but they were one. Their bodies moved together, thought and feeling flowing across each others minds, inseparable at times. None of them could imagine life without each other now. It was like imagining living on without a part of your soul. It was impossible.

As the fast songs changed to slow, the pace of their movement changed with it. They reached for each other, instinct and feeling driving them.

Wolfgang felt Kala’s softness, at the same time as he felt Lito’s rough stubble against his cheek.

Will felt Wolfgang’s familiar strong hand at his hips as they moved together, finding their rhythm. He felt Riley’s soft lips on his cheek as he felt Kala’s soft curls tickle his chin.

Capheus felt Wolfgang’s tongue, hot and wet, against his as they claimed hard kisses from each other. He felt Nomi’s sure hands sliding across his bare shoulders as they danced together.

Sun gave herself up to the passion of the cluster, exchanging fast, eager kisses with Riley, even as she danced against Will.

They could feel each other so strongly, the love, passion and friendship they felt for each other flowing freely across their bodies and minds. They didn’t need to say it to each other but they all knew the full truth of it. No one would ever come between them.


	7. Chapter 7

_As soon as he sees Abuelita’s face, he knows there is something wrong. He glances across at Elena, who is playing on the floor with her dolls. His sister is so much younger than him, still so innocent._

_Abuelita reaches out for him, cups his jaw. ‘Rafi, I have to tell you something.’_

_He takes Abuelita’s hand and tugs her further away from Elena. She doesn’t need to hear this. ‘What is it, Abuelita?’_

_Her dark eyes are wet with tears and she holds his hand so tightly. ‘Papito, your Mami and your Papi…’_

_His heart sinks and he knows what she is going to tell him. ‘They didn’t just miss their flight from Chicago, did they?’_

_Abuelita glances back at where Elena is playing, blissfully oblivious on the carpet. ‘The police can’t find them. Their things were still in the hotel but there’s no …’ Her voice breaks. ‘There’s no sign of them. There’ll keep looking but…’_

_‘They’re gone,’ he says. They knows they must be dead. Mami and Papi would never just leave them. Not ever._

_He looks at Elena and the future flashes through his mind. He will quit school and look after her. He’ll show his little sister the love their parents always have._

_‘I’ll get a job,’ he says. ‘Help out.’_

_Abuelita puts her arms around him and pulls him in close. ‘No, Rafael, no. You will stay in school and you will make them proud, Papito. I will look after you and Elena.’_

_He presses his face into her and breaths in her scent of coffee and spices. It is just the three of them now and they will look after each other. Now, he just has to work out how to explain to his sister what has happened._

The music and the joy followed them home. It was late and they had all partied hard. There had been dancing, conversations, fireworks. Later, they had paddled in the sea, holding hands in the darkness, with the cool water splashing around their ankles.

In the darkness of the flat, there was nothing but each other. They went to bed separately but, in their minds, they were all together. They undressed each other, relishing the soft warmth of skin against skin.

As Wolfgang met Kala’s soft lips in a kiss, he felt Rajan’s hot mouth on his neck. Will’s chest was firm and pale beneath his fingertip caress and Riley’s blonde hair tickled his cheek.

He pushed Rajan down beneath him and he could feel Sun’s passion as she moved on top of Kwan-Ho. Will, leaned into Riley, kissing her deeply and felt Kala sigh softly against him. He felt Wolfgang’s rough stubble against his cheek and his tender kiss on his neck. 

When Kala slid her hand down Wolfgang’s spine he could feel Lito’s soft but firm touch on his hip. Lito moved against Hernando and felt Will’s kiss on his shoulder.

Kala’s warmth welcomed Wolfgang in and he could feel Nomi trembling against him as Amanita’s clever fingers pleasured her. As Will pushed inside Riley, he felt both Kala and Nomi sigh in pleasure with Riley.

As Rajan moved against him and Kala, Wolfgang could feel Capheus with them, his strong hands gentle as they trailed down their thighs. As Zakia’s legs wrapped around him, Capheus could feel Sun’s caress, firm but loving across his shoulders. 

They all moved together, they moved as one. They moved out of instinct, sensations tumbling over each other as they gave themselves to each other fully.

Though the music was no longer playing, it seemed to move through them still, as their minds connected them, each other’s sensations flowing though their bodies and bringing them together as one.

When Wolfgang’s pleasure flowed through him and his climax came, he saw it on the faces of his cluster, felt it ripple through all their bodies and in that moment, there was nothing but pleasure.

Afterwards, they lay together, drifting towards sleep, they exchanged slow, lazy kisses and soft caresses. They didn’t need to talk. They understood each other and they knew they would always be together.

In the morning, Wolfgang woke in a happy haze. His lovers were beside him, still sleeping peacefully. He turned onto his side and looked at them. Rajan was on the far side, his arm around Kala and her head resting on his chest. Kala held Wolfgang’s hand, her grip relaxed in her sleep.

He smiled, just watching them sleep so peacefully. He felt so warm when he looked at them. He grinned as he thought back to last night. It had been the best birthday party ever and he knew the happy glow would last for a long time.

He felt for the others and smiled as he realised most of them were still sleeping. Nomi and Amanita were stirring and beginning to exchange soft kisses, but he sensed they wanted a moment just for them and he stayed away.

The only other person awake was Sun. He smiled as he visited her. She was outside, on the balcony where the pool was. She was alone, working slowly through her moves like she did every morning. She glanced at him and smiled.

‘You can join me if you want.’

He nodded. ‘I think I will.’

She looked down and arched an eyebrow. ‘Put some clothes on.’

He laughed. ‘I will.’

Back in his bed, he stretched, then got up. He went to the bathroom and got dressed before making his way outside. She didn’t speak as he joined her but he felt her warmth and her gladness as he fell into position opposite her. 

They had done this many times before and it always brought peace to them both. He felt strong, calm and in control as he worked through the moves with her.

Suddenly, she stopped and smirked at him. ‘Want to fight?’

He grinned, raising his fists. ‘You got it.’

They circled each other, eyes trained on each other. He knew he could lose this. In fact, he knew he probably would. She was the strongest person he knew and the best fighter of them all.

‘Better than me?’ Will asked, yawning.

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Yeah, she’s better.’

Sun smirked and he saw her movement half a second before she lunged. He dodged, his hand going up to block her blow. They moved faster than thought, blocking each other’s blows effortlessly. But she was faster and he was reluctant to go on the offensive, even though he knew she could take it.

But she sensed his reluctance and came for him. In a second, he was flipped onto his back and staring up at her.

He grinned. ‘I guess you won.’

‘You can fight harder than that,’ she said, sliding off him.

He sat up, looking sideways at her. ‘It’s different now I don’t have to fight.’

She nodded. ‘I know what you mean.’ She looked at him. ‘Do you think that is it? That all our fighting is done?’

He shrugged. ‘Looks like it doesn’t it? Everything seems … good. It’s hard to imagine but I think we might just be able to live our lives now.’

‘It never hurts to be prepared.’

‘Hmm,’ he said. He stood up and stretched. ‘I’m going for a swim.’ He stripped off and dived into the water.

He tried to ignore the thought he could feel from her. That she didn’t believe all their danger was over at all. He didn’t want any more trouble. He just wanted to live his life.


	8. Chapter 8

_He slides his fingers along the strings of his guitar, finding the chords automatically. He strums slowly and smiles as he feels the music vibrate through him. He closes his eyes to feel it all the more. Just the simple twang of his guitar brings him more joy than he can ever describe. He thanks God for his gift every day._

_‘Teddy,’ calls his mum. She comes into the room. ‘Your friends are here. You only have an hour before tea so make the most of it. Have you done your homework, baby?’_

_‘Yes, mama, it’s all done.’_

_His mum moves aside to let his friends in. She watches, bemused, as they greet each other._

_‘Wah yuh a gwaan wid?’ he asks._

_‘Mi gud,’ says Daniel. ‘Wah bout yuh, wah deh gwaan.’_

_His mum holds up her hands. ‘You boys,’ she says, a smile in her eyes. ‘It’s like being back in Jamaica again.’_

_He laughs, pulling his guitar strap over his shoulder as Daniel turns on the keyboard and Chris pulls out his electronic drum pad and sets it up. His mum just smiles and slips out and he knows she is proud of him._

_He settles his fingers on the strings, clears his throat and gets ready to play their first song. He can see the familiar expressions of excitement on his friends’ face. They will never talk about it but he knows they feel the same joy he does as they create music together._

The next two weeks went by so quickly. But they were wonderful weeks. They talked, they danced, they shared meals, they swam, they shared the pleasure of sex together. Every moment was full of joy, because they were together.

Fifteen days after their birthday, the cluster along with their partners, Felix and Oma were all together in the flat. Lito and Capheus were watching a movie with Zakia, Hernando and Dani. Felix and Oma were half-watching too but also chatting in German. Rajan, Kala and Riley were cooking, and Nomi and Amanita were snuggling up together on the sofa. 

Wolfgang and Sun were both outside, smoking and enjoying each other’s company. They didn’t speak much, but enjoyed the easy quiet. It had been a good day, as they’d been out to show Oma and Felix the temple. Kala had enjoyed explaining everything and Wolfgang had enjoyed watching her explain. They were planning on doing more sightseeing the next day.

Wolfgang was surprised when Will left the kitchen area, where he’d been helping with the food, and came outside. He didn’t say anything, just sat next to Wolfgang on the wicker sofa. Sun, who was on the chair opposite, arched her eyebrow at Wolfgang.

He looked at Will. ‘Not often you join us smokers. Want one?’

Will shook his head. ‘No. I just wanted a bit of quiet.’

Wolfgang smirked. ‘Lito being too loud for you?’

‘I heard that,’ said Lito, visiting. Wolfgang just smiled affectionately at him.

‘No, just, everybody,’ said Will. Lito left them again and the three of them sat quietly for a few moments.

‘Is something bothering you?’ asked Sun, eventually. Her voice was calm and undemanding.

Will sighed. ‘Not bothering me exactly.’

Wolfgang patted his arm. ‘Now, don’t bottle it up. Let it all out,’ he said, a slight teasing tone to his voice.

Will gave him a look and a light shove. ‘Yeah, yeah, I know. Taste of my own medicine.’

Sun stubbed out her cigarette then leaned forward, fixing Will with one of her looks. ‘You’re having dreams, aren’t you?’

Wolfgang looked sharply at her. ‘Dreams?’ A spike of anxiety pulsing through him, he looked at Will. ‘Not … not _him_?’ They didn’t say his name now, not if they could help it.

Will looked back at him, shaking his head. ‘No. Not him. It’s been a long time since I heard his voice.’

Wolfgang nodded, his alarm receding as he sat back. ‘Good. Me too.’

‘What are you dreaming about?’ Sun asked.

Will sighed, rubbing his hands along the wooden armrest of the sofa. ‘It’s weird. They’re not like dreams I’ve ever had before. It’s almost like, stories in my head. Like a movie playing to me.’

‘Are they bad?’ Wolfgang asked.

Will shook his head. ‘Not exactly. Sometimes they’re upsetting but they’re… like pieces of someone’s life, playing in front of my eyes. It’s just strange, that’s all.’

Wolfgang and Sun exchanged glances, then Wolfgang looked back at Will. ‘If … if you need to talk about it…’

‘I know,’ said Will. He took Wolfgang’s hand and reached across to take Sun’s too. ‘Thank you,’ he said.

They both nodded, then sat back and fell back into a relaxed silence again.

A little while later, Oma came out onto the balcony. She smiled, heading over to Wolfgang. She slid her arms around his shoulders and gave him a hug.

‘Ah, Mäuschen, this is such a beautiful city. It’s easy to see why you all love it.’ She took his cigarette off him and stubbed it out.

‘Hey, Oma,’ protested Wolfgang.

‘You shouldn’t smoke. It’ll give you wrinkles.’

Wolfgang glared at Will as he snorted with laughter. Sun’s expression didn’t change but from her, he felt a wave of affection for him. Oma came around to the other seat and sat down.

He schooled his expression carefully and decided to change the subject. ‘Hey, Oma, you happy to do more sightseeing tomorrow?’

‘Yes, of course. You promised you’d take me to the Gateway of India.’

‘We will.’

Oma smiled and patted his hand. ‘We’ll have a good day together, you, me and Rajan.’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘Kala will want to come too.’

Oma shook her head. ‘I think she might like to stay home tomorrow, Mäuschen. She seems very tired.’

Wolfgang glanced at Will, who shrugged. Sun shook her head. ‘She has not said anything to me.’

‘Trust me, Mäuschen. She needs to take it easy.’

He leaned forward, taking her hand. ‘What is it, Oma? Is there something wrong with Kala?’

‘No, Mäuschen, I should think she’d like a little rest.’ She stood up. ‘I think it’s time to come in now. It looks like dinner is ready.’

Worried, Wolfgang got up and the four of them went inside to join the others for dinner.

Wolfgang sat next to Kala and kept his eye on her. She didn’t seem any different to usual, except … she didn’t eat much. She ate enthusiastically at first, but then seemed to lose momentum and sat back, pushing her food around with her fork. Then she gave up altogether, laying her fork down and leaning back in her seat.

He took her hand. ‘You all right?’ he asked.

She glanced at him and smiled. ‘Yes, I feel good. I’m just a little tired.’

‘Oma thinks you don’t want to come to see The Gateway of India tomorrow.’

‘Oh, I would but you’ll have to go early and I just want to have a lie in tomorrow.’

‘As long as you’re sure you’re all right.’

‘We’ve had a busy few weeks, I just need a lazy day. I’ll spend some time with everybody here instead.’

‘Ja, if that’s what you want to do.’

She stifled a yawn. ‘I think I’ll have an early night as well.’

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her cheek. ‘Maybe Raj and I will join you.’

She leaned against him. ‘That’d be good, but just for sleep, unless you feel like giving me a massage. I’m so achy.’ 

He smiled, kissing her cheek. ‘I think we can manage that.’


	9. Chapter 9

_The familiar pain throbs through her and, with it, the fear. She clutches her rounded belly, as if she can protect her. But she can’t. She knows this. She would give her life for her baby but she knows it will not be enough. She will still do it. She would do anything for her._

_The contractions are stronger than ever and she can’t stand it. The air is cold on her face and the grief is sharp in her chest. She doesn’t know if she can do this alone. She doesn’t want to be alone._

_She hears her own voice, thin and desperate as she lets out a cry and she cannot stop it. Her baby is going to leave the warm safety of her body, be born into cold and fear and danger. She cannot protect her. They cannot protect her._

Riley woke with a half-cry dying in her throat. Beside her, Will was still sleeping deeply, though his brow was furrowed and he didn’t look peaceful. She wanted to wake him, to take comfort in his warmth, his gentleness and his strength, but she didn’t. He didn’t need to feel her pain as well. Perhaps he was already feeling it in his dream. He didn’t need more pain.

She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself and suddenly found herself with Kala. She was asleep in her silk nightdress, looking calm and peaceful in between her lovers. Her head was resting on Rajan’s chest and Riley could feel the softness of his pyjama top against her cheek. Wolfgang was naked, as usual and spooning against her, his arm across her belly and his hand gripping Rajan’s. They looked happy, enjoying each other’s presence even in their sleep. They were peaceful and she could feel their happy dreams of togetherness.

Riley could feel their love and she knew both men would do anything for Kala. She didn’t know why she wanted to be with Kala right then. Kala wasn’t in danger and she didn’t need her, didn’t need help, but Riley couldn’t tear herself away. She didn’t _want_ to be apart from her.

She sat on the edge of the bed and just watched Kala sleep. She wanted to protect her, wanted to make sure nothing bad ever happened to her.

Wolfgang woke with the feeling that someone was with them but when he opened his eyes, it was just him, Kala and Rajan. Rajan was awake, sitting up in bed reading his book. Wolfgang stayed still and quiet for a moment, just watching him. Just looking at Rajan made him feel warmth inside him.

But then Rajan seemed to feel him watching him, as he turned his head and smiled. ‘Good morning, my love.’

Wolfgang smiled back. ‘Guten Morgan, Liebling.’

Rajan’s face lit up, the way it always did, both when Wolfgang spoke German and when he used endearments for him. He put his book down. ‘We should get up. We have to leave in less than an hour.’

Wolfgang stretched and sat up. ‘Mmm, I guess there’s no time for pancakes.’

Rajan laughed. ‘On the contrary, I made the batter last night while you were giving Kala her massage.’

Wolfgang beamed at him, leaning carefully over Kala to kiss him. ‘I fucking love you.’

Rajan grinned. ‘Ah, but how much is for me and how much for my food?’

He pretended to consider. ‘About fifty fifty?’ he said, then grinned and kissed him again. ‘Come on, I’m starving.’

Rajan glanced at Kala. ‘Should we wake her?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No, she wanted a lie in this morning. She’ll get breakfast with the others later.’ He climbed out of bed and reached for Rajan’s hand. ‘Komm schon, Liebling. To save time we’d better shower together.’ He grinned. ‘As long as we don’t get distracted.’

Rajan laughed as Wolfgang tugged him towards the bathroom. ‘You do know that’s impossible. I never can keep my hands off you when you get all wet and soapy.’

Kala woke after a long lie in feeling a little less tired than she had the day before. She smiled as she vaguely remembered both Wolfgang and Rajan kissing her goodbye before they’d left.

She turned and her smile broadened as she saw Riley, lying on the bed beside her. The other woman was awake, dressed and watching her. She could feel she was really there, not just visiting and it was that which surprised her the most.

‘Good morning,’ Kala said. ‘I wasn’t expecting anyone else to be here.’

‘You don’t mind, do you?’

‘No. Is everything all right?’

Riley smiled. ‘I think so. Do you feel … different?’

Kala sat up. ‘Different? What do you mean?

Riley sat up too, taking her hand and holding it in her lap. ‘Do you feel … like something has changed about you these past few days?’

Kala frowned. ‘I suppose I have been feeling a little tired lately but we’ve been doing a lot.’

Riley’s thumb moved gently over the back of her hand. ‘I think it’s more than that, Kala. I know how it feels.’

Kala shook her head. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’ Riley was being so kind and gentle, but she couldn’t catch her meaning. All she could feel from her was excitement and anxiety.

Riley bit her lip, then let go of her hand to reach behind her. ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I went out to get you this, so we could check. I didn’t tell anybody, not even Will. No one else knows, all right?’

Kala was even more confused now. She didn’t have any secrets she wanted to keep from the cluster. She hadn’t since they’d first connected. She trusted every single one of them more than she could ever say. Riley placed the thing she’d reached for in her lap and Kala looked down at it.

Her heart thudded and the excitement and anxiety she could feel were no longer just Riley’s. They were hers as well. She took a deep breath and closed her hand around the pregnancy test.

‘I didn’t even think about it but you’re right, I do feel different. We weren’t trying, do you think I really could be?’

Riley reached out and held her other hand. ‘There’s only one way to find out.’

Kala took another deep breath, then got up and made her way to the bathroom, trying to ignore how fast her heart was thudding.


	10. Chapter 10

Kala stared at the test in front of her, hardly able to believe what she was seeing. It didn’t seem real. She hadn’t prepared for this. They hadn’t even thought about it, let alone talked about it.

Riley reached out and touched her arm lightly. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked, her voice soft.

Kala looked up at her. ‘It’s really … positive?’

Riley scooted up next to her and looked again at it. ‘Definitely positive.’

‘I can’t …’

Riley put her arm around her. ‘Is this … something you want?’

Kala looked at her. ‘I … I never thought about it before.’

She rubbed her back gently. ‘Then think about it. How do you feel now?’

‘Nervous, anxious, terrified.’ She smiled. ‘But also, excited!’

Riley squeezed her gently. ‘That’s exactly how you’re supposed to feel. It’s both terrifying and exciting. Wonderful and petrifying.’

Kala took her hand. ‘I’m so sorry, this must be bringing up bad memories.’

Riley brought her close and kissed her cheek. ‘Some,’ she admitted against her skin. Then she pulled back and looked at her, with a wide smile on her face. ‘But also some wonderful ones. I could never regret my Lúna and she is always with me. You can’t remind me of her, because I could never forget her.’

Kala squeezed her hand. ‘I can feel how much you love her.’

Riley smiled softly. ‘And you will love your baby just as much. The idea will just take a bit of getting used to.’

Kala took a deep breath. ‘Definitely.’

‘So, I know you’ll want to tell Rajan and Wolfgang first but you know you won’t be able to keep this secret from the cluster for long. They’ll start to feel things, really soon. I’m surprised they’re not in here already with all this emotion.’

Kala took yet another big breath. ‘I know. I don’t want to keep it secret but …’

‘You’re worried about how they’ll react.’ It wasn’t a question; Kala knew Riley could feel exactly what she was worried about.

‘Rajan will be thrilled but … Wolfgang … We’ve never talked about it and you know how he feels about family. I don’t know how he’s going to take it.’

‘He’s going to have to deal with it, because this is reality,’ said Riley firmly. ‘And if he doesn’t, Sun and I will kick his ass.’

Kala laughed, relief flowing through her. She knew the cluster would be there for her, no matter what. And Wolfgang … she knew he was going to have difficulty with this. She knew it would terrify him more than it terrified her. But he loved her. She knew how much he loved her. He’d get over it, for her. Wouldn’t he?

‘Come on, you need a good breakfast, but small meals a little more often is better,’ said Riley. Kala let her tug her off the bed and downstairs. As soon as Rajan and Wolfgang got back from sightseeing with Oma, she would tell him. The longer Wolfgang had to get used to the idea, the better.

Wolfgang loved the view from the Gateway of India. He loved looking out over the water. Sometimes, his early morning runs brought him here. He’d learned more about both his homes from going on his runs than any other way.

Oma loved it too. Rajan was better at telling her the history of the places they visited. Wolfgang knew it, because Kala knew it, but Rajan took on such a storytelling tone when he told it that no one could fail to be captivated by it.

He smiled a little as he half-listened to Rajan explaining something to Oma. He did love Rajan’s voice. It was so soft, and musical. Many times it had brought him comfort when he needed it, as well as laughter and pleasure, and everything. Right then, Rajan’s face was alight with the joy of the story and Wolfgang felt his smile grow wider as he looked at him.

But then his thoughts turned to Kala. He was still a little worried about what Oma had said, despite her urging him not to be. Oma was right; Kala had felt particularly tired these past few days. But why? Okay, so they had done a lot but they had also spent time in the flat relaxing as well. And they’d had no work to go to since they’d got there.

He felt cautiously for her now. She was just finishing a late breakfast with the others and she no longer felt particularly tired after her long sleep. But there was a strange sort of excitement bubbling up inside her, as well as a worry.

He frowned, pulling away from her. He’d ask her about it when they got back, away from everybody else, just in case it was something private. She never kept anything from him, but he felt like there was some secret knowledge she had inside her that she hadn’t shared yet.

He looked around and saw it was getting rather busy now, a little too busy for him if he was honest with himself. He didn’t like crowds, unless it was at a club. Even then, he only felt safe when he was with people he trusted.

Rajan caught his eye and gave him a small smile. ‘Oma, I think it’s time we were getting back. This place is not as attractive when it’s too full.’

He stepped over to Wolfgang, slid his arm around his shoulders and leaned onto his ear. ‘Time we were getting home?’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘Looks like it. I’m getting hungry for one thing.’

Rajan smiled. ‘You can help me cook something. It’s hard work cooking for all fifteen of us, sixteen if Felix decides to join us.’

‘He won’t today,’ said Wolfgang as they started to walk. ‘He’s sleeping today so he can go out later.’

‘That boy drinks far too much,’ said Oma, affectionately. ‘I keep telling him.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘He says he enjoys your nagging but he won’t change his habits.’

Oma sighed. ‘Well, as long as he’s happy, I suppose.’ She linked his arm and looked at him. ‘I know he’s done a lot for you, Mäuschen. He’s a true friend.’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘He is, Oma. I wouldn’t still be here without him, if you want the truth.’

She squeezed his hand. ‘I know, Mäuschen. This is why I do my best to look after him.’ She tugged him to a stop and looked sharply at him. ‘He’s still there for you, you know.’

Wolfgang glanced at Rajan, who was watching them curiously. He took his Oma’s hand and squeezed it lightly. ‘I know, Oma.’ They started walking again and Wolfgang’s thoughts were once again with Kala.

When they stepped into the living room, Kala’s gaze went straight to them. The living room was noisy, with everybody chatting and laughing in there but Kala, and Riley who was sitting next to her, were both quiet. Kala exchanged glances with Riley, then stood up.

She came over to them, taking both their hands. ‘I need to talk to you.’

Rajan frowned. ‘Is everything all right?’

She smiled. ‘ _I_ think it is.’

Wolfgang frowned in confusion. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I want to tell you in private,’ Kala said, softly.

Oma gave him a little push. ‘Go on, Mäuschen.’

Wolfgang glanced at her, then he and Rajan followed Kala into their bedroom.

When they were alone, Kala took both their hands and smiled at them. ‘I have something important to tell you both. I just found out this morning.’

‘Well, do not keep us waiting, Kala,’ said Rajan, lightly. ‘The suspense is killing me.’

Kala took a slow, deep breath and Wolfgang could feel her nervousness. ‘I’m pregnant.’

Immediately, Rajan drew her into a hug, his face bright with the biggest smile. ‘Oh my love, this is the most wonderful news, I can hardly believe it!’

She laughed as he kissed her, his happiness pure and plain on his face.

Then she looked at Wolfgang. He stared. The words didn’t seem real. A baby. A child. With _him_ as a parent? It wasn’t right.

‘Wolfgang?’ Kala said, her voice shaking. ‘What do you think?’

His breath seemed to catch in his throat and he couldn’t speak. He took a step back. Kala’s smile had disappeared and his chest throbbed as he saw her expression. But he couldn’t do anything.

‘I … need some … air,’ he gasped.

He turned and ran. He heard Kala call after him but he couldn’t stop himself.

Kala’s throat felt tight as she saw Wolfgang disappear from the room. Rajan looked at her. ‘He just needs some time to get used to it.’

But Kala wasn’t comforted by his soft words. She needed to talk to Wolfgang. Without saying anything more, she left the room after him.

By the time she and Rajan got downstairs, Wolfgang was nearly at the door. Will was on his feet.

‘Wolfgang, what’s wrong?’

Wolfgang paused at the door, glancing back at Kala. ‘Nothing … I … I just have to go.’ Then he was gone, out the door.

Kala stopped. There was no point chasing him when he was like this. She knew that so she ignored the impulse to run after him, difficult though it was. Riley crossed to her, slipping her arm around her waist.

‘You all right?’ she asked softly.

‘What’s going on, Kala? Riles?’ asked Will.

Kala plonked herself down on the sofa and huffed. ‘You might as well all know. I’m pregnant.’


	11. Chapter 11

For a moment, everybody stared at Kala, all digesting what she had said. Kala could feel their shock reverberating through them. 

Will’s mouth dropped open in surprise. ‘What?’

Kala smiled at the excitement on his face. ‘I took a test this morning. Riley got it for me. I guess she felt the signs.’

A huge smile broke out across Will’s face. ‘That’s wonderful!’ He sat down next to her and hugged her. ‘That’s really wonderful.’

‘I’m glad someone thinks so.’

‘We all think so,’ said Nomi.

Kala looked up at them. All their faces were bright and happy, like Rajan’s still was, and she could feel the joy of her cluster. They all wanted to hug her.

Will patted her arm. ‘Wolfgang’s probably just in shock. I’ll go check on him.’

He moved away to visit Wolfgang. Kala stood up and everybody came forward to hug her. Wrapped in a big group hug from her cluster, she felt a little better but she was still anxious about Wolfgang. She was also, probably irrationally, hurt by his reaction. She thought she understand why he reacted like that. Having a child was frightening for anybody, and he had so little experience of ordinary family life. She’d expected him to be shocked but she hadn’t expected him to run off like that.

She slipped out of the hug as everybody started chattering excitedly together. She noticed Oma was standing a little to the side. Kala met her eyes and Oma came over to her.

‘What … what do you think, Oma?’

Oma smiled gently and took her hand. ‘Oh, Schatz, you have made me so happy, I cannot begin to tell you. You have made me eine Uroma.’

Kala threw her arms around her and hugged her. ‘Oh, Oma, thank you.’ She pulled back and looked at her. ‘I was worried you wouldn’t … because the father could be…’

Oma waved her hand. ‘Things like that don’t matter. You’re all family, we’re all family, that’s what matters.’ She cupped Kala’s cheek gently. ‘This baby is going to have the biggest, most loving family any baby ever had.’

Kala felt tears in her eyes and she tried to blink them away but felt a couple roll down her cheek. ‘I … what about Wolfgang? What if he can’t… what if he can’t do this?’

Oma wiped her tears away. ‘My grandson is a good man and he loves you so much. But he’s frightened.’

‘Everybody always says that about becoming a parent but …’

Oma shook her head sadly. ‘It’s worse than that for him, Schatz. He’s terrified of becoming his father.’

The truth of Oma’s words hit Kala like a punch to the gut. The idea of Wolfgang, _her_ Wolfgang, being _anything_ like his father was so alien to her that she hadn’t even thought that that’s where his mind would go. But of course it would. What could she do to convince him otherwise if he wouldn't even talk to them?

Oma held her hand. ‘Don’t worry yourself, Kala. Like I said, he’s a good man and he loves you and Rajan. He won’t abandon you. He just needs a little time.’

When Will visited Wolfgang, he found him in the park. He was sitting on a bench, his hands clasped between his knees and his gaze on the ground. He was breathing hard and Will could see the tension in his shoulders as well as feel it.

‘You all right?’ Will asked, carefully.

Wolfgang sent him a half-glance. ‘Leave me alone.’ he said, his voice low and dangerous.

Will put his arm across his shoulders. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘No, I don’t want to talk about it, Will. I just want you to leave me alone,’ he snapped.

Will squeezed his shoulder gently. ‘You really should talk about it.’

Wolfgang pulled back, shoving Will’s hand away from him. ‘Scheiße, what language do you need me to say this in, Will? Verpiß dich. Fuck off.’

Will just looked at him. There was such anger in Wolfgang’s face, anger Will hadn’t seen for a long time. He knew the fear inside his friend that the anger covered but there was too much hurt and anger for him to listen.

He watched helplessly as Wolfgang turned and walked away without another word. He returned to himself with a heaviness that had not been there when he left. Riley was next to him, holding his hand. She looked at him with love in her eyes and he knew she felt his heaviness.

‘Did you speak to him?’ she asked.

Kala looked over. ‘Is he all right?’

Will hesitated. ‘He’s … not really in the mood to talk.’

‘Where has he gone?’ Rajan asked.

Will shrugged. ‘He left. I don’t know where he went and he won’t let me visit anymore. I don’t know if anyone else can get through.’ He glanced around the cluster and they all shook their heads.

He sighed. ‘I suppose we’ll just have to wait until he comes back or lets one of us in.’

Oma stood up. ‘I know where he’ll be. He’ll talk to me, all right, because I won’t give him a choice.’

Before anyone could argue otherwise, Oma left, a determined stride to her walk.

Wolfgang had stormed thoughtlessly for a while, just striding ahead without even thinking about where he was going. It was all he could do to just walk, or rather stomp, and keep the others away from him. He didn’t want to hurt any of them and he knew he couldn’t stop himself ranting and raving at any of them.

But after a while, he realised he was going to the hotel where Felix was staying. Well, why change the habit of a lifetime? Felix was always the first person he turned to when his head messed him up.

He knocked on the door and leaned against the wall as he waited for Felix to answer. He felt so weak suddenly.

The next thing he knew Felix’s hand was on his arm. ‘Woah, Wolfie, what the fuck’s up with you?’

Wolfgang couldn’t explain, couldn’t even speak. But he knew he didn’t have to. Felix grabbed hold of him and tugged him inside. He manhandled him to the bed and sat him down. He felt Felix looking at him.

‘You look like shit, man. What’s happened?’

Wolfgang shook his head but still couldn’t speak.

Felix sighed. ‘Right, you look like you’ve had a shock. Hang on.’

There were some bangs and clatters, then Felix was pressing a shot glass into his hand. Without even thinking about it, Wolfgang threw back the strong vodka and felt it burn in his throat. He felt a little better but he still couldn’t speak.

‘Not talking, huh?’ Felix said.

‘Can’t.’

Felix nodded, sitting beside him and slinging an arm around his shoulders. ‘All right, then we’ll just sit here until you can talk.’ He squeezed his shoulder. ‘No rush.’


	12. Chapter 12

It took two more shots of vodka before Wolfgang found his voice. ‘Kala’s pregnant,’ he said, his voice thick.

He felt Felix’s intake of breath. ‘Ohh,’ he said, realisation clear in his voice. He patted Wolfgang’s back. ‘But that’s brilliant, Wolfie!’

He looked down at the fourth glass of vodka he was clutching. ‘Yeah. Kala and Rajan will be great parents. They’re everything a child needs.’ He glanced at Felix. ‘Maybe we should go back to Berlin, get out of their way.’

Felix frowned at him. ‘Wolfie, don’t be an arsehole.’

Wolfgang glared at him. ‘I’m not being an arsehole.’

‘Yeah you are and I know exactly why.’

There was a knock on the door before either of them could say anything. Felix got up to answer it.

‘I don’t want to speak to anyone,’ said Wolfgang.

Felix, predictably, ignored him and opened the door.

‘I presume he’s in there, is he?’ said Oma, in her no-nonsense tone.

Wolfgang groaned.

‘Yeah, but I’m not sure you’re going to get anything out of him. I fucking can’t.’

‘Well, I think it’s worth trying, if you don’t mind me coming in.’

Felix stood back to let her in. Wolfgang gave her a quick glance to see if she was angry. He hated it when people got angry. But she smiled at him.

‘Hallo, Mäuschen, your cluster are worried about you.’

He looked down, staring at his drink. ‘I know.’ He raised the shot glass but suddenly, Oma tugged it out of his hand.

‘I don’t think that’s going to help, is it?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Sometimes it does.’

Oma curled her finger beneath his chin and brought his head up so their gazes met. ‘No, it doesn’t, Mäuschen. You know that.’

He looked away. ‘I know. Look, Felix has already told me I’m an arsehole so we don’t need to do this.’

She sat down on the bed beside him, catching his gaze and holding it. ‘You can’t kid me, Mäuschen. I know what this is about.’

Wolfgang looked down at his hands, clasping them together tightly. ‘It’s not like she’d be alone. She’s got Rajan. She’s got the cluster.’

‘Wolfie, what the fuck are you talking about?’ asked Felix.

He glanced up at his friend. ‘This kid doesn’t need me in their life, Felix. This kid doesn’t need to be fucked up like me.’

‘You’re not your dad, Wolfie.’

Wolfgang looked down. ‘I’m a monster, just like he was.’

Oma took his hand. ‘Now, you listen to me, young man.’

‘Oma, I’m 34.’

‘It doesn’t matter. You still need a good talking to, and I’m the only one who’s going to give it to you so you are going to listen to me.’

Wolfgang stared at her, but kept his mouth shut and listened.

‘You are in the room with the only other people who remember your father. And both of us agree you’re nothing like him.’

Felix nodded. ‘That’s right, Wolfie. You’re nothing like the fucker.’

Oma smiled. ‘Eloquent as always, Felix.’ She squeezed Wolfgang’s hand. ‘Mäuschen, you need to listen to us. You are _not_ your father.’ She cupped his cheek. ‘Oh, my sweetheart, you would _never_ hurt Kala, or any woman or child.’

‘I’ve hurt people. I’ve killed.’

‘You did what you had to, Wolfie,’ said Felix. ‘That’s all we ever did.’

‘Your father was cruel. He took delight in using his power and strength to hurt others. You have never been like that, not for one single moment. Now, I know you’re frightened and that’s normal, but you have responsibilities in this.’

He shook his head. ‘Rajan is her husband, and he’s so good. They’ll make a happy family together.’

She stood up and pointed her finger at him. ‘Now, you listen to me. The three of you made that baby and you have just as much responsibility to the child as they do.’

‘They don’t need me.’

‘But they _want_ you, Mäuschen. They want you.’ She stroked his cheek. ‘And that baby is my great grandchild. He or she is _going_ to have you in their life.’

He huffed, looking into her eyes. ‘I suppose I don’t have a choice in this.’

She smiled. ‘None whatsoever.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘And here I thought I was too old to be told what to do.’

She patted his head. ‘Not as long as I’m around, Mäuschen. Now, how sober are you?’

He shrugged. ‘Mostly.’

‘Good, then you need to come home and talk to Kala. She’s upset and worried about you.’

He rubbed his hands over his face. ‘I know, I know. See, this is why I should have stayed away from her in the first place. She deserves better.’

‘Well, if you ask my opinion, she has the best man she could possibly have.’ She chuckled. ‘Well, the _two_ best men she could possibly have. And you may not believe it but _I_ think you’re going to be a wonderful Papa.’

Wolfgang took her hand, beyond grateful to have her. She believed in him, and he felt that so strongly.

‘I guess I have some apologising to do.’ He stood up and glanced at Felix.

‘They’ll understand, brother. They love you, stubborn fucker though you are.’ He reached out and pulled Wolfgang into a hug. ‘And so do I.’

Wolfgang held him tight. ‘I love you too, brother.’

Kala felt Wolfgang’s presence a moment before he came into the flat, with Felix and Oma behind him. Relief flowed through her, though Wolfgang still felt tightly wound and anxious.

‘He’s back,’ she said and the others looked up as Wolfgang stepped into the living room.

‘Hi,’ he said. He looked around at them all, rubbing the back of his head. ‘I er …’

Kala glanced around at everybody. They were all watching and she could feel Wolfgang’s anxiety spike as he felt their gazes on him.

She looked at Wolfgang. ‘On the balcony,’ she said. She glanced at Rajan, who nodded.

Wordlessly, the three of them stepped outside onto the balcony. Kala shut the door behind them and the three of them looked at each other. For a moment, no one spoke.

Wolfgang glanced out at the city and took a deep breath. His heart was racing. He looked at Kala. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I understand you’re scared.’

He looked down. ‘Yeah.’ He looked at Rajan. ‘Raj, if … if you want me to go … if you want to be a family just ….’ He looked at Kala’s belly. ‘Just the three of you, I’ll understand.’

Rajan crossed to him, pulled him into a hug and kissed his ear. ‘ _You_ are a part of our family. Nothing about that has changed.’

Wolfgang turned his face into Rajan’s neck and breathed him in, taking comfort in his familiar scent. He felt Kala step up beside him and lay her hand gently on the small of his back. He pulled back a little so he could look at them both. Rajan kept his hand on his hip.

‘I just … I wasn’t expecting this,’ he said.

‘Neither was I,’ said Kala. ‘And if you want to know the truth, I’m scared too. I never even thought about becoming a parent. But … it’s happening. And I want to do it with both of you.’

Wolfgang took a deep breath. ‘I’ll try. But I can’t promise I’ll be any good at it.’

She caressed his cheek with the back of her hand. ‘Nobody’s expecting you, or any of us, to be perfect. No parents are perfect. But we love each other and that’s what makes us a family.’

Wolfgang just gazed at her and felt overwhelming love for her. He kissed her, trying to pour all his love into the kiss. She held onto him tightly and he knew she felt it.

He found their hands and held onto them. He took a deep breath and gave them a smile. ‘I guess, we’re going to be parents. Both terrifying and exciting.’

Rajan smiled. ‘Sounds about right to me.’ 

Kala took her own deep breath. ‘Definitely.’ 


	13. Chapter 13

_‘Your father and I have decided this is the best this for you, Alois.’_

_He looks coldly at his mother. ‘You both have decided?’_

_His mother purses her lips. ‘Yes. Isn’t that right, Hans?’ She nudges her husband._

_His father straightens, suddenly paying attention, and clears his throat. ‘Ja, we have both decided.’_

_Mother shakes her head, exasperated. ‘You’re too old for a nanny now and you need to socialise with other boys and make connections for your future.’_

_‘But boarding school in England, Maman?’_

_‘I know you will miss us, Alois.’_

_He scoffs. ‘I can hardly see you less than I do now.’_

_Mother looks away and he smirks as he sees her embarrassment. He knows that is a sore subject, and why not exploit a sore subject?_

_‘You can come home in the holidays and some weekends,’ says Papa. ‘It’s not that far away.’_

_Alois shrugs. ‘Probably not worth the trip.’ He stands. ‘I will go and pack then, since you want to get rid of me so soon.’_

_He walks away, but feels them exchange glances. He smirks as he returns to his bedroom. He may not be able to get his own way on this but at least he can make them feel bad about it._

Wolfgang woke feeling a sharp sickness in his stomach. He squeezed his eyes shut, cursing himself. It had been a couple of weeks since they found out and he’d thought he was doing well. He’d been keeping his anxiety under control, keeping the bad thoughts at bay. But now, he was feeling sick?

His mind flashed back to when he’d had his breakdown, years ago now, but he remembered that sickness all too clearly. It was one of the ways his panic had come out. He’d thrown up quite a few times.

His stomach lurched and he scrambled out of bed and shot into the bathroom. He stopped. Kala was sitting on the floor, clutching the toilet. He swallowed, realising. It wasn’t his sickness. It was hers.

‘You all right?’ he asked, softly.

She nodded. ‘I haven’t been sick. I’m just a bit …’

‘Queasy?’

She closed her mouth tightly and nodded.

‘I’ll get you some water.’ He pulled on some pants and hurried downstairs. Will met him partway down the stairs with a glass of cold water. Wolfgang gave him a quick, grateful smile and returned to Kala. She took the water from him and sipped carefully.

‘You need to eat something,’ said Riley, gently, visiting them both.

Kala shook her head rapidly. ‘I’m not sure I can.’

‘If you can manage something, it will help,’ said Riley.

‘Rajan’s up. I’m sure he’ll make you whatever you’d like,’ said Wolfgang.

‘Maybe just some toast.’

He touched her hair, gently. ‘I’ll go and tell him. Just come down when you can.’

She nodded but didn’t reply.

Wolfgang went downstairs. It was early but quite a few of their guests were already up. Sun was outside, going through her moves. He felt that Lito was swimming, thinking about all the carbs he’d consumed over the past few days. Will and Rajan were in the kitchen. Will was making coffee and Rajan was already sliding several slices of bread into the toaster.

‘Riley says not too much butter,’ said Will.

Rajan nodded. He glanced at Wolfgang. ‘Is she all right?’

‘Yeah, just a bit…’ He held his own stomach. ‘Queasy.’

Rajan’s eyebrow quirked. ‘You can feel it?’

He nodded.

Rajan smiled. ‘Do you need some toast with not too much butter as well?’

‘No, I’m hoping for pancakes,’ he said. But as soon as he said it, he felt a wave of sickness overcome him. ‘Oh, fuck,’ he murmured and ran for the bathroom.

When he returned, Kala was coming down the stairs. She made an apologetic face at him.

‘Sorry I’m making you sick as well,’ she said.

He shrugged. ‘I’m sure it’s worse for you. Come on, some toast will help.’

As they reached the living room again, Rajan was putting two plates of toast on the table. ‘So am I going to have to deal with two lots of pregnancy symptoms?’

‘I fucking hope not,’ said Wolfgang.

‘Let’s be honest, Rajan,’ said Will. ‘You probably are going to have to deal with at least two.’

Rajan laid his hands on their shoulders and rubbed gently. ‘Then it’s a good job I enjoy looking after them, isn’t it?’

‘Mmm, well, maybe I’ll take a blocker when you go into labour.’

Kala groaned. ‘Don’t even talk about labour. I don’t want to think about that until I have to.’

Riley came into the living room. ‘It’ll be all right, Kala, because we’ll all be with you.’ She trailed her hand across Kala’s back. ‘And you’re strong. You’ll bear it well.’

‘Maybe you could have a water birth,’ said Wolfgang. ‘My mama always said she hardly felt any pain when she had me.’ He grinned. ‘Though maybe she was just being romantic.’

‘It is supposed to help,’ said Rajan. ‘Hey, what language is our child going to speak? With you lot slipping between languages all the time?’

Will grinned. ‘I guess they’ll learn all the ones we know, to some extent.’

‘Do you think … they’ll be Sensate?’ asked Kala. ‘And how will we know?’

Wolfgang felt a stab of anxiety deep in his belly. Being Sensate had brought such joy, yet such pain into their lives. Did he wish that on his child? Was the joy worth the pain? It was to him, but who knew what would happen to their child because of it? Maybe it wouldn’t be worth it to them.

‘I don’t know,’ said Will. ‘But if they are, they’ll be luckier than we were. They’ll have us to teach them about it. And the world is a lot safer now than when we were born.’

Wolfgang took a deep breath, allowing himself to be reassured. It was a much safer place to be a Sensate now. BPO was a force for good and they had so many connections with others who would support them. It would be a good world for their child to come into.

He felt a jump in his chest and he knew that if _any_ danger threatened _their_ child, he would put a stop to it, no matter what.

Will clasped his shoulder. ‘We all will,’ he said and grinned as Wolfgang met his gaze. 


	14. Chapter 14

_It is Spring and, to Elin, the return of the sun is like seeing an old friend. She lies on the fresh green grass, the dew soaking into the back of her t-shirt a little. She looks up at the brightening sky, watching the light the sun throws out across the pale blue sky._

_Erik is supposed to be here but he hasn’t come yet. He’s been distant lately, quiet. She worries about him. He had a difficult winter, plagued with migraines and depression. He has spent so much time over the winter just staring into space, not talking to anyone. She has tried to talk to him but he has been so distant._

_She closes her eyes and feels the warmth of the sun on her face. The air is still cold but the sun invigorates her, lifting her mood and giving her hope._

_She hopes the spring will help Erik too, that their future plans will help. They’re going off to university soon. She is going to be studying marine biology and excitement fizzes through her at the thought. The sea and the life thriving in it fascinates her. She wants to learn everything about it, everything she possibly can._

_Erik’s doing Literature. It’s not something she really understands but he will love it. She has to admit though, she’s worried about him. They’re going to different places and he has always been bold and keen to try things. What if he does things he shouldn’t? What if he gets in trouble? They have never been apart and she worries how they will cope. For twins, they’re so different from each other but, somehow it’s like they’re the other half of each other. If one of them can’t do something, the other can. It has always been like that._

_‘Not asleep are you, Els?’_

_She opens her eyes and looks up into her brother’s face. The sun is so bright that she can barely see his features, but she would know him anywhere._

_‘I was just enjoying the sun on my face.’_

_He grins and plonks himself down beside her, crossing his legs elegantly. She envies him his ease of movement. He has always been the athletic one and the brave one. He doesn’t fear anything. She feels like she’s frightened of everything, that she can never be brave without him._

_‘You’re so romantic,’ he says, smiling fondly at her. ‘You’d think_ you _were going to be the literature student.’_

_‘I’m only romantic about the real world, not books.’_

_He laughs. ‘Don’t ever change, Els.’_

_She sits up, frowning at him. ‘Are you all right?’_

_He looks seriously at her. ‘Els, there’s so much more to this world than I ever thought. I want to explore it all, discover everything I can.’_

_‘But we’re going to university in September.’_

_‘I know, Els, but I have things to do before that.’_

_‘What things, Erik? What can you possibly have to do?’_

_He reaches out and takes her hand. ‘I can’t explain it, Els. Just trust me. I have to go away.’_

_‘Erik, I really don’t know what you’re talking about. Where do you have to go?’ She doesn’t understand any of this. This isn’t like her brother. He’s talking so strangely, so vaguely. He’s normally straight to the point._

_‘There’s someone I have to see, someone really important to me. They’re in trouble and they need my help.’_

_‘Where are you going?’_

_‘London.’_

_‘Take me with you.’_

_He shakes his head, squeezing her hand. ‘I can’t.’ He smiles. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll be back before you even have chance to miss me.’ He kisses her hand, then stands up, looking around them. ‘I do love Reykjavik in the Spring.’ He sighs. ‘I’ll miss it.’_

_Then he turns and walks away. It is all she can do to just watch him go._

Will woke with a lump in his throat. It took him a moment to remember where he was. A strange sadness made his body feel heavy and his soul dark. It was the same feeling he got when he thought about his dad, that ache of missing him so much he could barely stand it.

He turned into Riley, who was sleeping. She didn’t look particularly peaceful either. She was huddled up on her side, her arms wrapped around herself and a tense frown on her face. He snuggled up to her, his arms enveloping her, hoping to comfort her as well as himself. They’d both been having odd dreams lately.

He nuzzled into her warmth, burying his face in her white-blonde hair. He breathed in her sweet, fresh scent, closing his eyes and just feeling her presence.

She stirred, her hands reaching for him, her slender fingers finding his hip, slipping beneath his t-shirt to hold onto him.

He rubbed her back, feeling an echo of the distress of her dream. He knew what she’d been dreaming about. It had been the same nearly every night since they had found out about Kala; she was dreaming about the night she lost her Lúna.

She stilled and he knew she was visiting Kala. She often did this after her dreams, reassuring herself she was all right, he guessed. She was back in a moment and she looked up at him, with love in her eyes.

He kissed her, softly and tenderly and she sighed into him.

‘Are you all right?’ he asked her.

She nodded, pressing her face into his neck. ‘Yeah. The same dream again.’

He rubbed her back, trying to just be there for her and forget the ache of grief in his own heart, grief he wasn’t even sure was his own.

She pulled back and looked up at him, frowning. ‘Are _you_ all right, elskan?’

He shrugged. ‘One of those weird dreams again.’

She sat up so she could wrap her arm around his shoulders and hold him to her. ‘It upset you.’

‘It … it feels really sad, like grief, like missing someone so much you can’t breathe.’

‘I can feel it, or the echo of it. Will … what do you think these dreams mean? You have so many of them.’

He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe it’s something to do with the psycellium or something to do with Kala. I dunno.’

She trailed her fingers across his arm. ‘Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out together, as always.’

He looked up and smiled at her. ‘I know.’

‘ _Ay_ , this is terrible,’ moaned Lito, clutching his stomach. ‘This is the worst thing ever.’

Wolfgang caught Sun’s gaze and they both rolled their eyes. Dani smiled affectionately and Hernando worriedly rubbed Lito’s back.

Will clenched his jaw to stop himself from giggling but both Riley and Kala were glaring at Lito with utter contempt.

‘Would you like some crackers?’ Hernando asked. ‘Or some ginger tea?’

‘No, no,’ moaned Lito. ‘I could not possibly manage anything. Ay, this is the worst.’ He looked up from where he was flopped dramatically on the sofa. ‘Perhaps just a little tea.’

‘He doesn’t need any tea because _he’s_ not the one who is actually feeling sick,’ snapped Kala.

Everybody glanced at her. Wolfgang felt his eyebrow raise. Lito made a pathetic whimper and Kala tutted. ‘I don’t know why I bother saying anything. Everybody’s got an opinion on this and clearly everybody’s feeling it worse than me. Just because I don’t complain about it _endlessly_.

‘Kala, perhaps you should…’ started Rajan.

Kala held up her hand. ‘Don’t even start with me, I don’t want to hear it.’ She got up and strode out to the balcony, her head held high.

Wolfgang glanced at Rajan and they shared a small smile. They had both seen this coming; the sickness had been pushing her right to the edge lately.

Lito sat up. ‘I didn’t mean to make her upset.’

‘She’s worried about her scan tomorrow,’ said Wolfgang.

‘Perhaps I should go and apologise?’

Wolfgang took a breath and stood up. ‘I’ll go and talk to her.’ He smiled. ‘I’m not sure you can handle her when she’s like this.’

‘You’re probably the only one who can handle her,’ said Rajan. He smiled affectionately. ‘Our Kala is a force of nature.’

Wolfgang grinned, trailing his hands across Rajan’s shoulders as he passed him. ‘Well, she can handle me so I think we’re even.’

Rajan turned his head and kissed his hand as it lingered on his shoulder. ‘Good luck.’

Wolfgang nodded and headed out to the balcony.

Kala was sitting in one of the chairs, holding her stomach and leaning over. He sat next to her and rubbed her back gently.

‘Are you going to be sick?’ he asked.

She breathed deeply, then sat up straight. ‘No, I’m okay now.’

He nodded. He took her hand, closing his eyes for a moment as that familiar electricity flickered through his body at her touch.

‘You know Lito doesn’t mean anything by it, don’t you? He’s just …’

‘Being Lito, I know,’ she said, softly. She looked at their entwined hands. ‘I’m just …’

‘Worried about tomorrow.’

Kala met his eyes. ‘What if … what if it doesn’t go well?’

‘Rajan’s research says the stronger the symptoms, the stronger the pregnancy.’

‘But what if there is something wrong?’

An unexpected sharp pain went through his chest at that thought. He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it tenderly. ‘Then we’ll get through it together, whatever happens, Kala, we will get through it together.’

She turned into him, her hands settling at his hips. He wrapped her arms around her and she pressed her face to his neck. ‘I never thought I would feel this afraid about anything.’

He held her close. ‘Neither did I.’


	15. Chapter 15

_Niki cannot keep her eyes off the way Kiri’s chestnut hair shines in the sun as they leave the pitch. Its beauty seems to reflect her happiness. Niki’s heart jumps with adrenaline and her cheeks flush with pride._

_She has played well; she knows she has. They both have. Maybe well enough to get into the under 21s. Could they actually get to represent New Zealand? Their families will be so proud. They will be so proud of each other._

_Kiri is flushed too and smiling. Niki loves her smile. She loves the way it brightens her green-brown eyes, the way it brightens her whole self._

_‘Do you think we got in?’ her friend asks as they find themselves alone outside._

_Niki grins at her. ‘Definitely.’_

_Kiri stops walking, smiles softly at her and reaches out to caress her cheek. ‘You’re always so positive.’_

_‘I have faith in us.’_

_Kiri’s smile widens and her eyes are bright. They gaze at each other for a moment, then, as one they step into each other. There is a moment of mutual hesitation before their lips meet._

_The kiss is soft and gentle. Kiri’s hand caresses her cheek and warmth spreads through Niki. Her heart flutters with more feelings than she can put into words. The future feels bright and sparkling before them both. She knows she is being romantic, but the world feels perfect right now; it is iridescent and brilliant, and she knows nothing can go wrong._

Wolfgang woke with an unpleasant jerk in his stomach and, for a moment, he wondered why. Then he remembered. It was the scan today. He turned on his side and slid his arm around Kala. She was still sleeping but somewhat restlessly, and she was frowning. He kissed her, nuzzling into her. If there was anything wrong, he’d have to be strong for her.

He glanced across at Rajan on her other side. He was still asleep too, looking a little more peaceful than Kala. Wolfgang smiled. He never seemed to really worry about anything. He believed it was all going to work out perfectly, the way he did about everything. If it wasn’t, Wolfgang would be strong for him too.

Kala stirred, turning her face into his neck and breathing him in. ‘Good morning,’ he murmured.

He rubbed her back. ‘Good morning.’

She took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. ‘A couple of hours and we’ll know.’

He kissed her brow, breathing in the scent of her hair. ‘I know.’ He pulled back to look at her. ‘Have you thought about when you want to tell your family?’

She frowned and bit her lip lightly. ‘I hadn’t even thought about that.’

‘They’ll be pleased, won’t they?’

‘They’ll be ecstatic,’ she said, her voice low and quiet.

He frowned at her, then he felt his brow relax as realisation came. ‘Ah, perhaps a bit _too_ ecstatic?’

‘I’m still getting used to the idea myself and they will all fuss over me.’

He smoothed his fingers through her dark curls. ‘You won’t be able to keep it from them for long.’ He settled his other hand at her still-flat belly, caressing the soft skin. ‘You’ll start showing soon.’ He felt the wonder in his own voice and wondered if she felt it too.

‘I know.’ Her hand joined his on her belly. ‘I’ll see how I feel after the scan. Maybe I can tell them at the festival.’ She pulled a face. ‘I hope I’m not feeling this sick by then.’

‘Maybe you should ask the doctor for something to help. You’ve barely been eating lately. That can’t be good, for either of you.’

‘I can keep some things down. A lot of people have it much worse than me.’

‘It doesn’t matter what other people get.’

‘I don’t want to make a fuss.’

‘It’s not making a fuss, Kala. There’s no need to put yourself through the suffering.’ He smiled. ‘How many times have you told me that needing help isn’t a weakness?’

She rolled her eyes but she was smiling too now. ‘All right, smarty pants, using my own words against me. I’ll ask the doctor for something.’ 

He nodded, satisfied. ‘Good.’ He kissed her softly. ‘I _am_ going to look after you, you know.’ He grinned. ‘Whether you like it or not.’

She stroked his bare arm. ‘I like it.’

He laughed and kissed her again. ‘Good. We’ll have to decide when we should go back to Paris as well, you know. And whether we want the baby to be born here or there.’

‘I think there. Paris is our home now. I think we’ll be fine to go back after Diwali like we originally planned. I’ll not quite be 20 weeks so I’ll still be all right to fly and we can have the second scan at home.’

He nodded, then took a deep breath. ‘There’s a lot to do prepare,’ he said, the task seeming more daunting the more he thought about it.

‘There is,’ said Kala, sounding equally daunting.

‘Don’t worry, my loves,’ said Rajan, smiling when they both looked at him. ‘I will make sure all is prepared for our baby.’ His grin widened. ‘Just think, this means we can go shopping!’

Kala squealed with happiness and Wolfgang groaned. ‘Scheiße, not _shopping_.’

Rajan and Kala both laughed and Wolfgang felt their worry diminish a little. They were in this together.

It was difficult to persuade the others that three really was enough of them to be going to the scan as it was. They all knew full well that the cluster would probably join them in the room anyway; they wouldn’t be able to keep from visiting. In a way, this baby belonged to all of them. Every single one of them was a member of the family and it would always be that way.

Oma had come over to see them before they headed off to the scan. She brought some ginger and lemon tea for Kala and gave her a warm hug.

‘Try to stay as calm as you can, my dear, and lean on those who love you if you need to,’ she said. ‘We’ll all be here, no matter what.’

Kala smiled gratefully. ‘Thank you, Oma. It’s hard not to feel anxious.’

‘It’s perfectly normal to feel anxious. Just don’t let yourself get carried away with being anxious when there is so much to enjoy.’ She patted her hand. ‘You’ll feel a lot better after the scan, I’m sure.’

‘It’s time to go,’ said Rajan, gently.

‘Are you sure you don’t want some of us to come with you?’ asked Will.

Wolfgang clapped him on the shoulder. ‘It’ll be hard enough explaining why there’s two dads, Will, never mind adding another mom if you come along.’

Will laughed and Wolfgang was glad to feel him relax a little. Will had felt almost as anxious as Kala since this whole thing had started.

‘Right, we’ll see you when we get back,’ said Wolfgang.

They headed off. Wolfgang sat in the back of the car with Kala as Rajan drove. She held his hand so tightly he thought she might break it.

‘Why don’t we save the hand-breaking until labour?’

‘I told you, don’t talk about labour yet,’ said Kala, gritting her teeth.

‘Okay, we’re not mentioning labour.’ He pressed his lips tightly together as Kala sent him a glare.

He exchanged glances with Rajan in the rear-view mirror. Rajan smiled a little, but neither of them said any more.

Their five-minute wait in the waiting room felt more like twenty but at last they were making their way into the ultrasound. The technician frowned at them.

‘Only the father in here, please.’

‘They’re both the father,’ said Kala, in a tone that invited no argument.

The technician raised an eyebrow but said no more.

There was another anxious wait as she set up the scan. Wolfgang winced as he felt the cold gel on his, Kala’s, stomach but the technician didn’t seem to notice. He and Rajan both held onto Kala’s left hand as the technician placed the probe on Kala’s stomach and watched the screen. Wolfgang felt himself holding his breath, watching the technician’s face for any bad signs.

But then she smiled. ‘Would you like to see your baby?’

A wide smile spread across Kala’s face and she nodded. ‘Yes please.’

Wolfgang let out his breath, relief flowing through him. It sounded like everything was okay. Rajan’s hand flexed on his hip and he knew he was relieved as well.

The technician turned the screen and Kala, Rajan and Wolfgang got their first look at their baby. They stared in amazement. There was its head, its vaguely kicking legs. They could see the outline of its face. Wolfgang couldn’t get his head around it. They could see so little detail but that was the face he was going to love. That was the face that would look up at him and call him Dad. No, not dad. That was wrong. Papa or Vati. That’s what he wanted to be. Something he had never called his own father. He was going to be a Papa to this little life. This baby was going to depend on him and he wasn’t going to let them down, no matter what happened.

His grin became a laugh as he realised that the cluster were all standing with them, all gazing in amazement at the small life wriggling on the screen. Will was beside him, watching the screen with tears in his eyes. Wolfgang laced his fingers through Will’s and squeezed gently.

‘That’s our child,’ he whispered. He squeezed Rajan and Kala’s hands as well. ‘ _Ours_.’

‘Ours,’ murmured Rajan and Kala together.


	16. Chapter 16

_As he folds another shirt into his suitcase, Anwar glances wistfully out of the window at the other young men and boys, some his friends, playing football. He wants to go off and study. He wants to learn how to help people, cure their illnesses and make his parents proud. But he is going to miss this. He’s going to miss his home and his friends._

_He hears his bedroom door open behind him and he turns to see his mother, bringing him his best dress shirt, washed and pressed for him. She smiles._

_‘You’ll need to look smart at school.’ She places the shirt on top of the others, then puts her arm around him and hugs him. ‘We’re going to miss you so much, my little one, but we’re so proud of you, off to be a doctor.’_

_‘I will do my best to continue to make you both proud, Mama.’_

_She smiles at him, caressing his cheek. ‘We will always be proud of you. But remember to work hard and do not get distracted by the sports.’_

_His lips twitch and he stops himself from rolling his eyes. ‘I know, Mama, I promise I will work hard. This is what I want to do and nothing will stop me.’_

_‘You have always been determined. Your father and I know you will do this.’_

_‘Thank you, Mama. I just want to help people.’_

_‘You will be a wonderful doctor.’_

_‘I have a lot of work to do before then.’_

_‘You will do well, little one.’ She smiled. ‘As long as you stay away from the football while you study.’_

_He laughs. ‘I will, Mama.’ He glances out of the window again as his friends cheer and hug to celebrate their win. ‘I promise I will.’_

_He knows he has a lot of work in his future but he hopes there will be a little time for fun and, maybe even for love._

Wolfgang, Rajan and Kala didn’t go straight home after the scan. Before returning to the car, they sat together in a small garden in the hospital grounds. They had pictures from the scan and they passed them between each other, all taking the time to look at what details they could see. There weren’t many details to see, but the fact that it was a baby they were looking at was clear. _Their_ baby.

Looking at the pictures, it was beginning to feel more real to Wolfgang. He glanced at his lovers and smiled as he saw their faces. They were already in love with this new life, already smitten. He felt the relief in Kala keenly, her anxiety diminishing a little. He could feel she already loved their baby, was already desperate to keep him or her as well as she could, to bring the new life into the world safely.

She was still frightened, as he was, but she had accepted the reality, that this was going to happen, that she was going to be a mother.

‘Raj, have you thought about what you want to be called?’ asked Wolfgang. ‘To the baby, I mean.’

Rajan looked at him. ‘Oh, I hadn’t thought about it yet. Papa, I suppose is usual. What about you?’

‘If you’re Papa, I’ll be Vati.’

‘You don’t want to be Dad?’

Wolfgang shook his head vehemently, looking down at the picture in his hands again. He felt Rajan look at him, then his hand was on his shoulder, squeezing gently. ‘Vati then,’ he said.

Wolfgang smiled, then looked at Kala. ‘Kala? What about you?’

She smiled and he could feel the warmth in her. ‘Mama. It sounds cosy.’ She sighed contentedly, still smiling at the picture in her hand. ‘I can’t believe it. When May comes, we’ll be parents.’

‘We’re already parents,’ said Rajan. ‘So we’ll look after each other and our child.’

‘Speaking of parents,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Are you we going to tell your families at the festival next week?’

Kala took a deep breath. ‘Yes, I suppose it is time. And I’ll only have to put up with a month of fussing before we go home again.’

‘You don’t want to stay after Diwali?’ Rajan asked.

‘No, I want to be back home so I can work and get back to normal for a little while. Hopefully, I won’t be feeling sick by then.’

‘That makes sense. My research says the second trimester is the best time to travel,’ said Rajan.

Both Kala and Wolfgang smiled indulgently.

‘Besides,’ said Kala. ‘Everyone else will be going home then so it makes sense.’

‘We should get back to the flat,’ said Wolfgang. ‘They’ll all want to hear properly about the scan.’

They stood and automatically linked hands as they made their way back to the car, caring little for who saw them. They had long ago decided not to hide themselves for anyone. And now, they were going to be a family. They had to be strong and proud for their family.

Will waited on the balcony, looking down at the street below, waiting for them to return. Though he’d seen the baby on the screen, none of the cluster had stayed more than that moment with Wolfgang and Kala, so they didn’t know much. He was anxious to find out any details he could.

While he was waiting, his thoughts turned to his latest dreams. They hadn’t stopped. Some of them were distressing but, mostly, they just felt like glimpses of people’s lives. He didn’t know what it was about, or why he was experiencing them.

The thought had occurred to him that this could be some trick of the remnant of Whispers that still lived inside his head. But it didn’t feel like that, and he so rarely felt even a murmur of The Cannibal these days. Nor did Wolfgang. They had that spiteful voice well under control.

He hadn’t mentioned it to anyone but Sun and Wolfgang. Riley knew, because she felt it but they didn’t talk about it much. She was suffering too much with her dreams; he didn’t want to burden her with his own worries. He wasn’t _too_ worried about it anyway. He just felt that something was coming.

He straightened as he caught side of Rajan’s car pulling up. He returned inside. ‘They’re back.’

‘Ooh, I can’t wait to see the pictures!’ said Dani.

‘It must have gone well,’ said Lito. ‘Kala doesn’t feel as tense anymore.’

Riley didn’t speak, just sat with her hand to her mouth, chewing her nails. Will could feel her anxiety. Oma sat next to her, took her hand from her mouth and held it instead. Riley smiled gratefully at her.

The door opened and the three stepped back into the flat. Wolfgang met Will’s eyes and grinned. In fact, they were all smiling, all with a happy glow about them. It immediately soothed Will’s worries.

Oma stood up. ‘How did it go, Mäuschen. Don’t keep us in suspense.’ 

‘The technician says everything looks great,’ said Wolfgang. ‘The baby is due the first week of May. Now who wants to see pictures?’

Predictably, everyone crowded round. Will hung back a little, not wanting to crowd them. Wolfgang slipped out of the crowd and headed over to him, still unable to keep the smile from his face.

‘You want to see?’ he asked, holding out the picture.

Will looked and smiled. ‘Beautiful.’ He sighed, glancing at Wolfgang. ‘You’re so lucky.’

Wolfgang looked at him. ‘You want one too, don’t you?’

Will nodded, looking over at Riley. She had her arm around Kala and was gazing at the picture with a smile on her face. ‘But it might never be a thing Riley can cope with.’ He took a deep breath. ‘She comes first.’

Wolfgang slid his arm around his waist. ‘I know what you mean,’ he said, softly.

‘We’re going to tell our families at the festival,’ said Kala. ‘Everybody is staying until then right?’

‘We can stay until after the Dussehra festival,’ said Hernando. ‘But Lito is filming in November so we’ll need to head back.’

‘And we’ll have to go back then too,’ said Nomi. ‘Neets couldn’t get any more time off.’

‘When are you going to move to Paris to write your novel?’ asked Kala, smiling warmly.

Amanita grinned. ‘Maybe when we have our own child.’

‘Well, I’m staying as long as you three are,’ said Oma. ‘Somebody’s got to keep you in order.’

Wolfgang laughed, kissing her cheek. ‘We’d be lost without you, Oma.’ He pressed one of the scan pictures into her hand. 'And this one is for you.' 

She smiled, tucking the picture into her pocket. 'Another member of the family for me to love.'


	17. Chapter 17

_Tora puts down her last box and looks around her new bedroom. It is the typical student bedroom. A bed, a desk, a chest of drawers, a single wardrobe and some shelves. It is simple, but clean and bright. There is a glass door which opened on to her mini balcony. All the flats in this block have them. It isn’t really a balcony, as there is only just enough room to stand out there. But it is why she had chosen this block. Plenty of light._

_Her parents had cried when she’d said goodbye but she knows they are proud of her. They had wanted to come but she wanted to do this on her own. She has always been like that. Her parents didn’t understand it but they accept it. They accept her._

_She crosses to the window, opens it and steps out. She has a good view. She can see the tower blocks and a park and people going past. She will draw them all. But she’s also going to draw the things in her head, the things her imagination shows her._

_She’s going to learn everything she can here over the next few of years. She’s going to make it as an artist and this school will teach her what she needs to know. She’s going to make the most of every single moment and nothing, no one, will stop her. She doesn’t care about the ‘student life’. She only wants to learn._

For the first time in weeks, Kala woke with a steady stomach. She didn’t know whether it was the medication the doctor had given her or the fact that she was further along now, but she felt good. She laid her hand on her belly and felt the slight curve. She had only just begun to show but it was still difficult to see when she was dressed, unless she wore something tight. It was a good thing they were telling their families that night, before she it started to be obvious and they worked it out for themselves.

As her fingers moved over her own abdomen, her skin tingled. She glanced either side of her. Typically both her lovers were still sleeping. She could wake them and they would take her into their arms and make love to her.

She squirmed pleasurably as that thought went through her head, warmth spreading through her body. She wanted them.

Beside her, Wolfgang stirred, moaning a little as he woke. Kala grinned, knowing he had felt her arousal. He opened his eyes and smiled at her.

‘Is that you?’ he asked. ‘Or are some of the others fucking again?’

She smiled, a little shyly. ‘It was me.’

He grinned. ‘You’re feeling better then?’

In answer, she reached out, cupped his cheek and brought him close for a kiss. As they kissed, she trailed her hand down his chest, tracing the firm lines of his muscles. He kissed her tenderly and she moved against him, eagerly. She reached behind her to Rajan, making contact with his bare chest, not sure if he was awake or not but wanting him too.

He stirred, taking her hand and kissing it. He didn’t speak, just moved close to them and kissed her shoulder. His hand reached across her to caress Wolfgang’s hip. They moved together, quietly, just feeling each other. Rajan kissed her neck and Wolfgang kissed her mouth.

‘I want you,’ Kala murmured against Wolfgang’s lips.

Wolfgang pulled back and she felt his anxiety spike. ‘Is it … safe? It won’t hurt the baby.’

Rajan pulled back, sliding his hand down Wolfgang’s arm. ‘Not a bit,’ he said. ‘All the research says it’s perfectly safe.’

Wolfgang nodded, meeting Rajan’s eyes for a moment. He still seemed nervous, so she reached up and slid her fingers through his short blond hair. ‘Feel me, Wolfgang. Feel how much I want you.’

He looked back at her, his eyes so full of intensity that it took her breath away. Like he’d said to her once before, he did everything that mattered intensely.

He leaned into her, kissing her again, so intensely. They both took her in their arms, kissing and caressing her and her skin tingled beneath their touch. Rajan was gentle, his lips whisper-soft on her neck and his hands warm and soft on her skin.

Wolfgang was firmer in his touch, rougher yet still loving and she loved it. She craved him, every inch of him. His warmth, his strength, his intensity. She desired every part of him, so strongly that sometimes she couldn’t stand it. It was the most intense feeling she had ever experienced.

Her two lovers worked in tandem, knowing just where to touch her, knowing just how to set her desire slight, how to make her moan and whimper with pleasure. They knew how to show her how much they loved her.

Wolfgang’s knee pushed between hers and he moved with her in a gentle rhythm. She could feel his hardness against her and feel his hot breath on her face. He was panting slightly, as both their arousal washed over him.

She could feel Rajan’s hardness against her too and he was trembling slightly, his hand shaking on her hip. She laid her hand on top of his, lacing their fingers together.

For a moment, she saw him through Wolfgang’s eyes. They shared an intense gaze and she could feel both of them, so strongly.

Then Wolfgang was parting her legs and slipping inside her. She gasped as his thickness and his heat filled her. She clutched at him, wanting more of him, yet at the same time it was almost too much. The feel of him was everywhere at once and she already felt that familiar tingling pleasure fluttering through her body.

She realised she had closed her eyes. She opened them again, to look into her lovers’ faces. Rajan kissed her, his hand sliding lovingly over her belly, then up, trailing his fingers across her chest, fingertips easily finding the sensitive nub of her breast and teasing lightly.

Then Wolfgang began to move, slow and deep and close. She felt him reach for Rajan, hand enclosing around his erection to bring him pleasure too. She closed her eyes again and she could feel them both. She could feel their pleasure, their joy in her, their delight at her pleasure. She could feel their hot breath on her skin, their intense kisses. She could feel their hardness and their softness. She could feel the warmth of them, and the heat of their pleasure.

They had her completely. She was wrapped up in them and they, in turn, were absorbed in her. They loved her. They would do anything for her. She knew that, and she felt the same for them, so strongly it was difficult for her to believe it was possible.

She gripped Wolfgang’s arm and Rajan’s hand as the three of them made love together, as one, all giving themselves up to the pure pleasure of each other.

When they came, it was with soft sighs of pleasure and whispered words of love.

Afterwards, they stayed close for as long as they could, just holding each other. Both Rajan and Wolfgang’s hands came to rest naturally on her belly, stroking the gentle curve of it then lacing their fingers together. Rajan made it obvious how much love he already felt for their baby, and she could feel Wolfgang’s love as well. She knew the strength of that love had surprised Wolfgang, but it hadn’t surprised her. She’d know how deeply he was capable of loving. She’d known it for a long time.

And this was something they had created from their love. They had created a child together and, although she was naturally terrified, she also had complete confidence in her lovers that they would both make wonderful fathers. She knew they would approach parenting differently, and they both had a lot they wanted to prove, in different ways, but she knew they would do it.

And, perhaps more importantly, she knew they would both support her endlessly. They would do whatever she needed of them.

At the same time, she felt a twinge in her back and a rumble in her stomach. Wolfgang sat up.

‘Raj, I think it’s time to make breakfast.’ He smiled at Kala. ‘And while we’re waiting, I will give you a massage.’

She grinned at him. She did love being a Sensate. Again her hand came to rest on her belly, and she hoped her child was one too. She wondered what that would feel like. Would they connect like that, as well as connecting as mother and child? Her scientific curiosity was peaked, as well as her possibly instinctive wish to create another Sensate life. Would they even know before their child was grown? It would be interesting to find out. Perhaps they would learn a little more about how all this worked. Even after all this time, there was so much they didn’t know.


	18. Chapter 18

_‘Mari, are you in there? Mari?’_

_Mari lies on her bed, listening to her music and trying to enjoy the peace of solitude. She has a plot hole and she is trying to allow her brain to work it out. But her Mam’s constant interruptions are not helping._

_Mam opens her bedroom door and starts talking. But if Mari doesn’t look at her, she won’t be able to process her words. It is a tactic she has made use of before and she knows she shouldn’t do it really but sometimes Mam really doesn’t understand her need for solitude._

_Mam puts a hand on her shoulder. ‘Mari.’_

_Mari gives up and looks at her. ‘I was just thinking.’_

_‘I know, Cariad, but this is important.’_

_Mari sits up, turns off her music and looks at her. ‘You’d better sign then,’ she says._

_Mam nods. She starts to speak, using the sign language as a back up to help Mari process the sounds. ‘Now you’re eighteen, your benefit has stopped and I really need you to get a job.’_

_Mari’s heart sinks. She swallows and she begins to fiddle with the buttons on her shirt. Anxiety surges in her chest and it is all too overwhelming. ‘But, I have university,’ she signs, unable to articulate spoken words right now._

_Mam’s voice is calm. ‘Just a part time job. I know it’ll be difficult but I’ll help you organise your time and you’ll soon get used to it.’_

_Mari nods, still not able to speak. Mam whistles and Eowyn comes trotting into the room._

_‘Pressure, Wynie,’ Mam says._

_The dog jumps up onto the bed, lies down in Mari’s lap and looks up at her. Mari focuses on her collie’s big brown eyes and feels her heart rate begin to slow and calm begin to return. She buries her hands in Eowyn’s fur and feels the steady thrum of her heartbeat inside her._

_Calm again, she looks at Mam and nods. ‘I’ll have a look for something,’ she says._

_Mam reaches out and pats her hand. ‘I’ll help you. It’ll be fine, I promise.’_

_‘I know you wouldn’t ask me if it wasn’t important.’_

_Mam nods, squeezing her hand gently. ‘I wish you didn’t have to, Cariad, but we just can’t get by otherwise.’_

_‘Dw’in gwybod, Mam.’_

Most of the celebration for Dussehra was at night so, Kala’s father had invited them all to dinner before the celebrations in the garden. As Wolfgang looked at himself in the mirror after getting ready, he thought back to the first time he had properly met Sanyam. He had been so nervous, terrified, if he was honest with himself, that his sort-of-in-law wouldn’t like him. But Sanyam was one of the nicest people he had ever met and he hoped he was even half the father he was. Sanyam had even tried to get him to call him Papa-ji, like Rajan did, but that was a bit beyond Wolfgang. He wasn’t at all nervous of Sanyam anymore.

However, he _was_ anxious about seeing Rajan’s family, and them finding out about the baby. He knew they didn’t like him and he wasn’t sure how they were going to react to this news. Well, Rajan’s father anyway. His mother was nice enough but she rarely made her own opinions known. They had declined the invitation to dinner, but they were going to join them all for the celebration afterwards.

He felt Kala behind him and he turned to look at her. A smile spread across his face. She looked beautiful, of course. She’d gone for a dark purple dress, which was fitted around the bust but had a flowing skirt, to make her small bump a little less obvious until she had told her family. It had worked well. If he didn’t know, he wouldn’t have been able to tell.

‘You look gorgeous,’ he said, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

She smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck. ‘Thank you. You look very handsome.’

He settled his hands at her waist. ‘Nervous?’

‘A little,’ she admitted. ‘Mostly about what Rajan’s father is going to say.’

‘Me too,’ he admitted.

She took a deep breath. ‘But my family will be thrilled. Just as long as Rajan’s family behaves themselves.’

Rajan came out of the bathroom. ‘They will, if they want to _see_ their grandchild.’ He was wearing black trousers and blazer with a purple shirt on underneath. He’d managed to match both Kala and Wolfgang, who was wearing all black. He looked gorgeous.

He stepped up to them, sliding an arm around each of their waists. ‘There is absolutely nothing to worry about, my loves. Everything will go swimmingly tonight, I’m sure of it.’

Wolfgang and Kala exchanged a glance and smiled. Rajan had to be the most optimistic person they knew. He kissed them both one at a time. ‘We’re going to have a wonderful celebration.’ He grinned. ‘I can’t wait for the fireworks.’

Sanyam, as always, hugged Kala, Rajan and Wolfgang in greeting. ‘It is so good to see you,’ he said, like it had been months.

‘The food smells wonderful, Dad,’ said Kala.

‘Ah, well you know how I like to provide the best.’ He turned to greet everybody else, offering round drinks. Priya hugged her daughter as well, her face bright and happy. ‘I am so glad to be celebrating Dussehra with all my family and with so many treasured guests. It will be a wonderful celebration.’

Kala glanced at Wolfgang and Rajan and shared a smile with them. Her mother looked sharply at her. ‘What is it?’

‘Where’s Daya?’

Priya glanced around. ‘Oh, here she is now.’

Kala glanced around to see where her father was. He was handing drinks round to the others. Will caught her eye and smiled. He gave her a little nod. Kala looked back at her mother.

‘Can we just go outside a moment, mum? Dad and Daya too?’

Priya nodded, a slight smile on her face. She gathered her husband and youngest daughter and the six of them stepped outside onto the balcony and sat down.

Kala could feel both her own nerves and Wolfgang’s as she sat down. Rajan took her hand and she could feel Wolfgang’s desire to as well, but he didn’t. She reached for his hand and brought it into her lap with Rajan’s.

Her mother’s eyes were shining already but her dad and her sister just looked confused.

‘What’s going on?’ asked Daya.

‘We have something important to tell you, something really good.’

Her mother started to smile and her father leaned forward. ‘What is it, Kala?’

Kala took a deep breath and felt both Rajan and Wolfgang gently squeeze her hand. ‘We’re … I’m pregnant. We’re expecting a baby. First week of May.’

A huge smile spread across her father’s face and he stood immediately, tugging her gently into a hug. ‘I am so happy, Kala. What a gift.’

Then her mum was hugging her too and Daya and there was more happy chattering than she could understand.

‘Have you had a scan yet?’ asked her mother.

Kala smiled. ‘We have. Rajan, have you brought the picture?’

Rajan, smiling proudly, took the scan picture they’d brought for them out of his pocket and handed it over. Priya and Daya oohed and ahhed over the picture. Her father looked, then shook Rajan’s hand, then Wolfgang’s, murmuring his congratulations with a big smile.

He glanced at Kala and steered Rajan and Wolfgang a little way away. Kala’s attention was immediately attracted. ‘I assume you’ll be going back to Paris after Diwali,’ he said. ‘I know it is your home now.’

‘Yes,’ said Rajan. ‘But we’d like to invite you all to stay with us to meet the baby, and we’ll visit regularly like before.’

‘Now, listen to me, Rajan, and you, Wolfgang,’

The men glanced at each other, not quite sure what to expect. Sanyam’s voice sounded so serious. Kala didn’t know what to expect either.

‘Of course we want to be involved as much as we can, and we’re all very excited, but the four of you are a family now and you have to make each other a priority. It doesn’t matter what we want. You both have to do what’s right for Kala and the baby.’

‘We will, Sanyam,’ said Rajan. ‘You can trust me on that.’

Wolfgang glanced at where Kala was visiting beside him and smiled. ‘I’d do anything for them.’

Sanyam gripped both their shoulders. ‘Good men,’ he said. He smiled. ‘Good husbands and good fathers.’

Kala felt a warm glow inside her and she knew part of the feeling was Wolfgang’s. He was both pleased and proud to hear such words spoken about him. She also felt his determination to live up to Sanyam’s expectations of him. She smiled. He definitely no longer felt as frightened as he had done when he’d first found out, only the natural fear any new parent has. But mostly, he was determined to live up to his responsibilities and to look after them all. That was who he was.


	19. Chapter 19

_‘How do I look, Abuelita?’ Rafael asks, standing before her._

_She puts down the wooden spoon she is using to stir the Ajiaco and looks at him. She clasps her hands together in delight. ‘Oh, Papito, you look as handsome as ever.’ She cups his cheek and pats gently. ‘So handsome. But you will not get this audition just by looking good. You have to sing, sing your heart out.’_

_‘I know, Abuelita. I will, I promise.’_

_‘Are you going to be on the telly?’ Elena asks, from where she is sitting at the kitchen island, intently watching the food being cooked._

_He smiles affectionately at his little sister. Though, not so little anymore. She is a teenager now and starting to look disturbingly grown-up. It felt like only a few months since she was wearing pigtail braids and playing with barbies. Now, she wears her thick dark hair wild and free, always has a Cuban flag pin attached to her top or jacket, and wouldn’t be caught dead playing with any type of doll._

_‘I hope so, Elena,’ he says. ‘Otherwise this trip will be an expensive waste of time.’_

_‘Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?’ asks Abuelita._

_‘I’ll be fine on the bus. Anyway, Elena needs you to take her to choir practise.’_

_‘I wish I could sing as well as you can,’ says Elena._

_‘You have a beautiful voice. You just need to develop a little more discipline. You never do your singing exercises.’_

_‘That’s right,’ says Abuelita. ‘You just shout along to those pop songs. When Rafie was your age, he was always doing his singing exercises.’_

_Elena grins. ‘That’s why he’s going to be a star.’_

_‘I have to get through this audition first, and even if I do, I probably won’t get past the next one.’ He checks his watch. ‘I have to go. Wish me luck.’_

_‘You do not need luck,’ Abuelita declares. ‘You will be the best singer there today, including the judges.’_

_He smiles. It is nice someone has faith in him. He’s not so sure he’s got any faith in himself. But he must do this. He has to make a career out of this, so he can get his family out of this neighbourhood, so Elena can make a good life for herself and not end up pregnant to some waster of a baby-daddy who fucks off before the first diaper change. He’d seen it happen to so many girls in their neighbourhood. He is absolutely determined it won’t happen to his little sister. She deserves a better life. She deserves everything._

The whole party was in good spirits after the meal so they laughed and chatted as they made their way down to the garden for the bonfire and the fireworks. An effigy of Ravana stood on the patio at the far end of the garden, ready to be burned.

Despite the good company and being surrounded by his loved ones, Wolfgang felt on edge and it only got worse when Rajan’s parents arrived. Sanyam, ever the amiable host, greeted them warmly and fetched them drinks.

Wolfgang took a sip of his own drink, just to stop his throat being so dry, and tried to keep his breathing steady. After the fireworks, they were going to tell him. Manendra barely tolerated Wolfgang and made the most of any opportunity to glare at him. The first few times, Rajan had told him off, quite severely, but Wolfgang hated that even more, so he had asked him to stop. It was easier just to ignore the looks, to pretend the man wasn’t even there.

Oma stepped up beside him and slipped her hand through his. ‘It’ll be all right, Mäuschen. It’s never as bad as you think.’

He glanced at her. ‘But what if he wants nothing to do with the baby? Rajan would be crushed.’

‘He cares more about you than he does about what his father thinks. He loves you and he is a wonderful husband. He will put both of you before his father.’

‘Technically, he’s not my husband,’ said Wolfgang, petulantly.

‘He is in everything bar the legalities, and you have to trust him in that role. He won’t let anything get in the way of your little family.’

Wolfgang took another sip and knew she was right. But he didn’t say anything.

One of Kala’s cousins was in charge of both the fireworks and the bonfire. Sanyam helped, despite the young man’s insistence that he could do it alone. Soon the bonfire was roaring into life, bright and hot.

Kala leaned against Wolfgang, holding Rajan’s hand, and the three of them watched it together. Rajan put his arm around Wolfgang’s shoulder as they watched the effigy catch light. People were dancing around them but the three stood still, happily absorbed in each other’s presence. The mood of the cluster washed over them and they felt smiles spread across their faces as the joy of the festival overcame them.

They glanced at each other and grinned. They had a lot to celebrate. A whole new adventure in their lives together, a whole new member of their little family. What could possibly go wrong as long as they had each other?

Wolfgang didn’t want the fireworks to end. He watched them fill the night sky with colourful light, brightening everything and putting joy into all their hearts. He glanced across at Manendra, who was watching the fireworks with a sour expression on his face. He seemed to feel Wolfgang’s gaze on him, as he turned and glared at him.

Wolfgang looked away and tried to remember what Oma had said. It wasn’t about what Manendra Rasal thought. It was nothing to do with him really. If he wanted to wash his hands of them, that was his problem. Wolfgang was determined not to be brought down by it.

It wasn’t so easy to say that later that night. They had watched the fireworks and then the bonfire for an hour. There had been a lot of dancing and singing, the joy a wave that washed over all the cluster and their partners. But now, it was time. Now, the party was coming to an end and the quiet moment they had been waiting for had arrived.

Manendra and Sahana Rasal sat quietly facing them, in the wicker chairs in the garden. Almost everyone else had returned inside. Only Oma and Will remained, a little way off, pretending to have an in depth discussion whilst actually keeping an eye on the situation. Wolfgang was beyond grateful for them, though he wouldn’t say.

None of them knew how to begin. Rajan bit his lip a little and Kala looked at him, trying to work out if he wanted her to tell him after all.

‘Well, what is all this about?’ asked Manendra.

Rajan kept biting on his lip and didn’t speak. Wolfgang let his hand fall to rest between them, just allowing his fingers to brush Rajan’s.

‘Go on, Raj,’ he said gently.

Rajan glanced at him, took a deep breath and looked at his father. ‘Dad, we’re … expecting a baby, in May. We’re going back to Paris but we hope you’ll visit us there.’

Manendra smiled. ‘Ah, you and Kala are to become parents. How wonderful.’

Rajan glanced at Wolfgang, who shrugged and dropped his gaze to his lap.

‘No, dad,’ said Rajan. ‘The three of us are becoming parents.’

Manendra scoffed. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. You can delude yourself into thinking whatever you want when you’re in Paris, but right here, in your home, you and your wife are the parents of this child, not your _bodyguard_.’

‘Wolfgang is just as much a parent as we are,’ said Rajan, firmly.

‘I simply do not understand you,’ said Manendra. ‘Do you _want_ to cause a scandal? Have you no shame?’

‘No. I have absolutely no shame when it comes to Wolfgang because he is nothing to be ashamed of,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang looked up at him and smiled a little. He laced their fingers together and squeezed lightly. Manendra looked like he was about to pop.

‘How dare you talk like that? Do you care nothing for my reputation?’

‘Frankly, no, I don’t. The world has moved on, Dad. People don’t care as much about what other people are doing.’

‘Well, we’ll have no part in this,’ said Manendra. ‘And that is final. We do not want anything to do with this … this … abomination.’

‘I do,’ said Sahana.

Manendra glared at his wife. ‘You contradict me?’

Her face changed. Where once it was timid and frightened, it became angry and fearless. ‘Our daughter in law is going to give birth to our grandchild, and I will not allow you to cut me out of its life. Do you understand me, Manendra?’

Manendra spluttered, not able to find the words to reply.

Sahana let out a breath. ‘Good. Because I will not be changed on this matter.’ She stood, reaching for Kala’s hand. Kala took it and Sahana tugged her up into a hug.

‘Congratulations. I will be delighted to come and visit you in Paris, when you say you are ready to have me.’

Kala hugged her. ‘You will be very welcome.’ She looked at Manendra. ‘So will you, Papa-ji, if you can accept that Wolfgang is equal in this.’

‘If you can’t do that, Dad, then don’t bother to come at all,’ said Rajan, an edge to his voice.

Manendra didn’t reply but Sahana reached out and hugged her son. ‘He will accept it. He doesn’t have any other choice, because I will not let our grandchild be ignored.’ She looked at Wolfgang and he was startled to see that she looked a little shy. Instead of hugging him, she just took his hand.

‘Congratulations to you too, Wolfgang. I know you will do whatever you can for this child, for your child.’

‘I will.’ He swallowed. ‘Thank you.’ He didn’t know how to explain what he was thanking her for but she seemed to know, because she just patted his hand and smiled before she drew away.

Wolfgang glanced across the garden at where Will and Oma were still pretending not to listen. ‘You can stand down now, Will,’ he said, in a visit.

Will just grinned and gave him a friendly slap on the back. ‘I heard. Thank fuck for that, eh?’

Wolfgang grinned back at him, relief flowing through him. ‘Thank fuck.’ 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is taking care of themselves in these trying times. I work in retail so this whole thing is kicking my arse! But I hope you're all doing well and keeping safe and occupied!

_Teddy plops down on the sofa in the staffroom and groans. ‘What a shift. I can’t believe I’m only halfway through.’_

_Frankie grins at him. ‘You’re such a newbie. But don’t worry. You’ll soon learn. Remember, nursing is a marathon, not a sprint.’_

_‘I know. Does it get easier?’_

_‘A little. Or you just get used to it. Whatever, you’ll be okay.’_

_Teddy lets himself look at Frankie. His friend, and now colleague, is a couple of years older than him. He’d known him at college but he was ahead of him. Back then, he’d had a crush on him. It had taken him about an hour after arriving at work for his first day as a nurse, albeit with training left to do, to realise that that crush was still well and truly alive._

_But he doesn’t have time for crushes. He’s not even sure he has time for his music, but he can’t give that up. Maybe nursing wasn’t the best choice to give him time for his music but it was the only other thing he’d ever been able to imagine himself doing._

_Frankie pours out a cup of tea for them both and brings them over. He passes a mug to Teddy, then sits down beside him._

_‘Drink up, you’ll need the energy.’ He puts his hand on Teddy’s knee and squeezes. ‘Tea, Teddy. That’s what’ll get you through.’_

_Teddy looks into those sparkling blue eyes and feels warmth inside him. Then he drags his gaze away. No. Keep himself to himself, keep his head down, don’t risk getting in trouble. Other people could come out, not him. That’s what his mama says. He has to stay safe and being out isn’t safe, not for him, not for his culture. He knows Frankie wouldn’t understand that, so what’s the point of making connections he can’t pursue?_

_He pulls away. ‘I’d better get something to eat. You’re right, I need the energy,’ he says, and goes to find the canteen for a proper meal. That’s another thing his mama says. Always eat properly._

Almost everybody had left a few days after Dussehra. Along with Wolfgang, Rajan and Kala, only Riley and Will, and Felix and Oma had remained. As always, it was a wrench saying goodbye to the cluster and their extended family, but they knew their cluster would be there when they needed them.

Kala was feeling wonderful. Her sickness had gone and she felt full of energy. She’d been shopping with her mother for maternity clothes and she was beginning to really love her bump. It was firm and round, and she loved to show it off. She loved how Wolfgang and Rajan touched it, with love and reverence.

They had arranged to fly home a couple of days after Diwali. Kala was desperate to go back to work and Wolfgang kept thinking about how she was going to cope after she had the baby. She loved her job so much; it was part of her identity. He knew that, he understood that. But he worried for her. He knew how torn she was going to feel, between her love for her baby and her love for her career.

There was childcare, of course, and they could afford whatever they needed but Wolfgang didn’t like the idea of that. He didn’t trust strangers. He didn’t trust many people.

It was important that Rajan stayed at work too. He loved it and his wages paid for everything really. But Wolfgang only worked so he could contribute to their household. They didn’t actually need the money he brought in, so what if he contributed by doing the parenting while they were at work.

 _Parenting_. The word was still kinda scary, as much as he was also excited and looking forward to it. There was so much responsibility resting on his shoulders. He never thought he’d be in this position. But he was also beginning to feel ready for it. They were creating a family together and they would support each other through it. Maybe it would even bring them even closer together.

It was the day before Diwali and he, Rajan and Will had taken Oma out to do a little more sightseeing and shopping before they travelled home. To Wolfgang, it felt like they had been trawling round the shops for days, when in reality it had only been a couple of hours.

‘Ooh, Rajan, there are some lovely clothes in that window,’ said Oma, pointing across the square at yet another clothes shop.

Wolfgang didn’t say anything but his heart sank. Not another clothes shop. He’d come for the food and the wine they were going to shop for but Oma shared Rajan and Kala’s love for shopping.

Will nudged him. ‘There’s a bar over there. Why don’t we go and have a drink and wait for them?’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Sounds like a plan.’ He put his hand on Rajan’s arm. ‘You don’t mind, do you, Raj?’

Rajan smiled. ‘Of course not.’

‘We’ll probably get done quicker with just the two of us,’ said Oma.

Wolfgang laughed. ‘No, you won’t, Oma. Shopping is one of Raj’s favourite things.’ He smiled warmly at Rajan. ‘Take your time.’

Rajan smiled, then looped his arm through Oma’s. ‘Come on, Oma. Let’s go shopping!’

Will and Wolfgang headed to the bar, ordered a beer each and found a quiet corner. They drank in companionable quiet for a few minutes, before Will spoke.

‘So, how are you doing? With this whole baby thing?’

Wolfgang smirked. ‘Trying the subtle approach, Will?’

Will rolled his eyes. ‘The subtle approach doesn’t work with you. You always see right through it.’

‘True. No, I’m doing okay. I’m still kinda scared if I’m honest but I think that’s normal.’

Will took a sip of his beer. ‘From what I hear, yeah.’

‘I’m actually getting excited. Though there’s lots to sort out when we go home. I’ve been thinking about offering to stay home with the baby when Kala wants to go back to work. What do you think about that? Do you think I’d do okay?’

Will smiled broadly. ‘I think you’d be brilliant. And you know we’ll all be around if you need help.’

‘Thanks.’ He leaned back. ‘There’s one thing I’m not looking forward to though.’

Will frowned. ‘What’s that?’

Wolfgang looked at him with a completely straight face. ‘The shopping.’

Will laughed. ‘I’m sure you’ll survive.’

‘It’s beyond me why we can’t just order online.’ 

Will shrugged. ‘No idea. That’s what I’d do.’

There was a short silence, in which both men drank their beer and glanced out of the window at the street. Then Wolfgang looked back at Will.

‘Are you still having those dreams?’

Will hesitated. ‘Yes. I feel quite … emotional about them, like I have a connection with these people I’m dreaming about.’

‘Who do you think they are?’

‘No idea. I just wish Angelica or Jonas would appear so I could ask them about it but neither of them have in a long time.’

‘Maybe this is something we have to work out for ourselves.’

Will shrugged. ‘Maybe.’

‘You should share your dreams with us. Maybe we’d be able to help work out what it’s all about.’

‘Maybe, once we all get back to our normal life. It could just be something to do with the pregnancy anyway, just my imagination making me wonder about things.’

Wolfgang wasn’t convinced about that but he didn’t argue. It seemed to him that Will didn’t particularly want to think about this right now. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was nothing. But in Wolfgang’s experience, when something weird like this happened to one of them, to a Sensate, it was _something_. 

Kala sat on the balcony, one hand resting on her little bump, and sipped her mocktail. Riley had made it for her and it was absolutely delicious. Riley was sitting across from her now, drinking her own mocktail.

‘Good, isn’t it? I had these loads when I was pregnant.’

‘I think I prefer it to the alcoholic version,’ said Kala.

‘Why do you think I’m having one too?’

Kala smiled, tracing her fingers over her firm bump. It was still quite a small bump, as she was now 18 weeks, but it was obviously a pregnancy bump. She liked how firm it was and she was pleased to not be getting any stretch marks yet. She was convinced that was helped by the massage oil Wolfgang used in his regular massages for her. His hands were magic for all her aches and pains. She loved watching him when he gently massaged her tummy, the adoration in his face made her heart skip. Rajan gazed at her like that as well and she loved it.

Riley smiled affectionately, catching the thoughts she was having. ‘I’m so glad you have them to look after you.’

‘You’ve been looking after me a lot too.’

Riley bit her lip. ‘I know. If you want me to give you some space …’

Kala shook her head rapidly. ‘No, really.’ She smiled softly. ‘I love it. Though, I don’t want you to neglect yourself.’

‘I’m fine. I just want to make sure you’re all right.’ She glanced down at the bump. ‘Both of you.’

Kala reached out and held her hand. ‘I know you’re frightened for me.’

Riley clutched her hand back and gazed at her for a moment before she managed to smile. ‘Just don’t do anything dangerous.’

Kala smiled. ‘Do you really think Wolfgang would let me?’

Riley laughed. ‘This is why I’m glad he’s around. He’s probably the one person in the world as stubborn as you are.’

‘Why do you think Rajan is so scared when we argue.’

Riley laced their fingers securely together. ‘You’re going to be a wonderful mama.’


	21. Chapter 21

‘Tell me about the first murder,’ Alois said, watching the MRI screen intently.

The man on the trolley started to speak, his voice deep and gravelly. ‘I was fifteen. She was twelve. She was so small.’

His voice changed, became lighter, and Alois looked away from the screen to watch his patient’s body language. When Alois had first started up the MRI, the prisoner had been tense. Now, all the tension seemed to have melted away and he seemed relaxed, like a child listening to a lullaby.

Alois listened with rapt attention as his patient described in disturbing detail exactly what he had done to that little girl. He glanced at his screen. His brain was doing some fascinating things. He couldn’t wait to put all this information together to study in detail.

And he had plenty more murders to hear about. 

Will woke with a sick jerk in his stomach. The bedroom was still dark and he knew it must be early. He could feel everyone else still sleeping soundly. Riley was cuddled up close to him, sleeping peacefully.

He tightened his arm around her, watching her face. She was relaxed in sleep and it felt good to see her like that. He knew she’d been worried lately, about him, about Kala, about her own feelings. As the pregnancy progressed, she was feeling both better and worse. It was complicated.

He buried his face in her soft hair and breathed her in. Her scent comforted him. He closed his eyes, trying to relax into sleep. He figured he had a couple more hours before he had to get up and the first day of Diwali would begin.

Wolfgang woke to the feeling of lightness and joy. He kept his eyes closed for a moment and just felt it. Today was the first day of Diwali, the day to clean and decorate. He enjoyed it, because they all worked together. That was what Diwali was all about, appreciating family and friends, being with them and working together. This was a day to celebrate _them_.

He smiled as he imagined this time next year. They’d have another addition to the family and they’d probably be in Paris. Maybe just the four of them, maybe more of the cluster, and more of their loved ones.

He opened his eyes. It was early, not quite dawn and he sat up, remembering another Diwali tradition Kala had introduced him to. He smiled and crept out of bed without waking Kala. He stepped around the other side of the bed and leaned over Rajan. He kissed him softly and felt his lover wake against him.

Rajan reached for him, sliding hand around his waist, cupping it lightly. ‘Good morning, my love.’

Wolfgang smiled against his mouth. ‘Good morning.’ He kissed him again, just because he wanted to, then whispered against his mouth. ‘Help me draw a bath.’

Rajan smiled, rubbing his thumb across the sensitive skin at his waist. ‘You have the best ideas.’

Wolfgang grinned, pulling back. He grasped Rajan’s hand from his waist and tugged him up. ‘Come on, before she wakes up.’

They went into the bathroom. Wolfgang turned on the taps while Rajan fetched the oils. He knew just what fragrances went together, much better than Wolfgang did. But Wolfgang knew the exact temperature Kala liked the water at, because it was the same as he liked it.

‘It’s dawn,’ said Rajan, as the bath was finished.

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Then let’s go get her.’

They went back through to the bedroom, where Kala was stretching, still with her eyes closed and reaching out for them. She frowned and opened her eyes. She smiled as she spotted them.

‘What _are_ you two up to?’ she asked, an affectionate smile quirking her lips.

Wolfgang grinned. ‘It’s Diwali and it’s dawn, so you know what that means.’

Her smile spread across her face. ‘You’ve drawn me a bath.’

‘We’ve drawn _us_ a bath,’ he said, with a wolfish grin. He glanced at Rajan, who was still wearing his pyjamas. ‘And you are still too dressed.’

Rajan laughed, starting to get undressed as Wolfgang reached for Kala’s hand and gently tugged her up. She pulled the t-shirt of Wolfgang’s she was wearing off over her head and gave them both a mischievous smile. ‘So what are you waiting for?’

He smiled, then put his arms around her and lifted her into his arms. She laughed, delightedly, as he carried her through to the bathroom. She did love it when he did this. He loved it too; he loved the feeling of her in his arms, and the trust she placed in him. 

She giggled as he lay her down in the deliciously scented nicely hot bath, then sighed contentedly as she leaned back in the water. He gazed at her for a moment, absolutely overcome with her beauty. He felt Rajan stand beside him and they both just looked at her. She was glowing, happy and healthy as she grew their baby. Her hands trailed gently over her firm little bump, caressing it, and Wolfgang could already feel the love she had for her baby. It was so strong he felt overwhelmed by it.

She opened her eyes and looked up at them. ‘Are you getting in?’

They smiled at each other, then climbed into the bath with her. They reached for each other, hands exploring each other as they let the water hold them. They moved closer to each other, moving their arms through the water to wrap around each other.

Wolfgang slid an arm around each of his lovers, pulling them to his side, and closed his eyes. He sighed contentedly as he felt them both settle against him. For a few moments, they just say there, in the warm, sweet-smelling water, just breathing and feeling each other.

Then he opened his eyes, smiled at Rajan and kissed him, then turned to kiss Kala too. She sighed against him, resting her head against his chest. As they did so often now, her hands rested on her bump. He reached out and touched it too. Her skin was as soft as ever, but the bump itself was firm. He spent so much time wondering what this new person was going to be like. It felt like he had to wait so long to find out.

‘Do you think it’s going to be a boy or a girl?’ he asked.

‘My aunties have lots of theories. Do you think we should find out, at the next scan?’

‘Maybe we should have the surprise at the birth,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Don’t you think the fact that we’re having a baby is enough of a surprise?’

Rajan chuckled. ‘I suppose you have a point there.’ His hand joined Wolfgang’s on Kala’s bump, lacing their fingers together and caressing her. ‘It doesn’t really matter if it’s a boy or a girl or … who our baby is, does it? Because whoever they are, they’re ours.’

They all just gazed at the bump for a moment, then Wolfgang looked at Rajan, brushing his cheek gently. ‘Soppy fucker.’

Rajan just laughed and held them both snugly. He kissed the side of Wolfgang’s head, where his hair was short and bristly. ‘You know I’m completely soppy about both of you.’ His arm stretched around both their shoulders and he sighed contentedly as he rested his head against Wolfgang’s.

Wolfgang smiled, closing his eyes again to enjoy the feeling of his lovers.

‘It’s a pity we’re not back in Paris for Diwali,’ said Rajan. ‘We could have gone shopping for baby things today.’

Kala grinned. ‘We’ll just have to buy things today _and_ when we get back.’

Wolfgang and Rajan exchanged glances and groaned, but neither could keep the smiles from their faces.


	22. Chapter 22

Elin stared at the letter in her hand. The words Elinóra Fransdóttir typed on the envelope shook in front of her gaze and for a moment she couldn’t breathe. She closed her eyes, took a big steadying breath and tore open the envelope.

She scanned the words, hardly daring to believe it. Behind her, she could feel her mamma and papa barely breathing to.

‘Els? Did you get in?’ Papa asked.

She blinked, turning to look at them. They were both gazing expectantly at her from the breakfast table, their pancakes completely forgotten. She swallowed several times before she managed to speak.

‘Yeah. I got in. In March, I’m off to the Arctic!’

Immediately, Mamma and Papa were by her side, pulling her into a big hug. ‘Oh, elskan, you’re going to be a doctor!’

Elin laughed, relief throwing through her. ‘It’s a PhD, Mamma. You can’t go telling everybody I’m going to be a doctor. They’ll expect me to be treating their illnesses.’

Mamma patted her cheek. ‘You’re going to be treating the world’s greatest illness.’ 

‘I’ll do my best, Mamma, if we keep getting the funding. Not many people want to fund the effects of microplastics on the seabed.’

‘The important thing is you’ve got the funding now,’ said Papa. ‘So do your best to make the most of it.’

‘We will, Papa.’

As always, her eyes were drawn to the photo frame on the mantlepiece. The clear blue eyes in the picture, so like her own, shone out at her and the familiar wide smile, unlike hers, was in place as always. The ache in her chest was also familiar. It was six years since her twin brother had disappeared and it still hurt just as much as those first few weeks.

Papa squeezed her shoulder. ‘He’d be so proud of you, Els. Just like we are.’

She didn’t trust herself to speak, so she just nodded and buried her face in her father’s shoulder. 

After everybody was up and dressed, and had had breakfast, Riley put on some music and they all started cleaning and decorating. They all enjoyed this, just working together and preparing their home for visitors on the third day of Diwali. Oma and Felix were coming, and Kala’s parents and sister.

The five of them danced around to the music as they cleaned, laughing and singing along. The rest of the cluster kept popping in, sharing their happiness.

Kala and Riley placed the many candles and diyas all around the living room and near the front door. They weren’t to be lit yet. That was for the third day.

Wolfgang, Rajan and Will made paper chains to hang around the room. Wolfgang always found this activity quite soothing. It was something most kids seemed to do, but he never had. It was easy but fun and satisfying work and the chain grew quickly with the three of them working on it. He found himself smiling as he thought ahead; in years to come he would do this with his child.

He pictured his child sometimes. In his imagination, sometimes they were a boy, sometimes a girl. But always, they looked like Rajan and Kala. They had Kala’s dark curls and Rajan’s sweet smile. He never imagined anything about him in their child.

He glanced at Kala and smiled. She had just placed a diya in the window and was gazing outside, her hands on her belly and a dreamy smile on her face. He grinned; he could feel the same feelings in her that he felt in himself. She was dreaming about their child. It was a feeling of hope, and joy, and love.

He felt an echo of the same feeling in Will as well. He glanced at him but Will was absorbed in his work, as well as his daydreaming and he didn’t look up. Wolfgang wondered about him. Something was definitely going on with him and he wasn’t sure even Will knew what it was.

But, no. He’d promised himself he wasn’t going to let himself get panicked about anything. There was nothing to worry about. They had no enemies left. They were living perfectly ordinary lives, for a secret other human species who could communicate telepathically across the world.

‘Let’s take a break,’ said Kala.

‘Good idea,’ said Rajan. ‘You shouldn’t strain yourself.’

Kala rolled her eyes. ‘I’m not straining myself.’ She grinned. ‘I want to go shopping.’

Wolfgang groaned. ‘Do we have to? Shopping really isn’t my thing.’

‘Unless it is for cars,’ said Sun, with a dry smile.

He grinned at her. Kala crossed to him and leaned against him. He looked up at her from his seat. She slipped her arm around his shoulders and kissed his cheek. ‘I want to buy some baby things. You’ll come with us, won’t you?’

He smiled. He couldn’t refuse her anything. ‘All right, I suppose I’ll relax my no shopping rule for whatever our Mäuslein needs.’

Kala beamed at him and kissed him.

‘But we can’t buy too much if we want to take it back to Paris,’ said Rajan, sensible as always.

‘We can fit in a few things. You know Wolfgang always under-packs,’ said Kala.

‘Only because I know you like to bring things back. Though I didn’t expect it to be baby things when we left home!’

‘And we should get a cot bed for when we come back. We don’t know when we’ll come back but when we do, we’ll at least need somewhere for the baby to sleep.’

‘Right,’ said Rajan, standing up. ‘Who’s coming shopping then?’

Wolfgang couldn’t stay he minded the shopping too much, not when it made Kala so happy. And they did need some baby things. Not that Kala stuck to buying baby things. She, Riley and Rajan also spent a lot of time looking for outfits for the third day of Diwali. Wolfgang and Will just followed them, enjoying watching them pick out outfits and carrying their things for them.

‘You two should get a Sherwani to wear as well, for the party,’ said Kala.

Riley smiled. ‘Oh, Will, you should! You’d look adorable.’

Will pulled a face. ‘Adorable?’

‘I think she means ‘handsome’,’ said Wolfgang, laughing.

Will beamed. ‘That’s better.’

‘What about you, Wolfgang?’ Kala asked. ‘You’ll let me buy one for you, won’t you?’

He sighed in a mock-dramatic way, letting his smile show. ‘I suppose so. Just not too bright.’

‘I was thinking dark blue for you and red for Rajan.’

‘He does look good in red,’ said Wolfgang, grinning at Rajan.

Rajan just smiled. ‘I really do.’

Will and Wolfgang were getting a bit laden down with their purchases, so they decided to go and sit on a bench together and wait for them. They sat in companionable quiet for a while, just watching the people passing. It was a busy day for shopping, since it was part of Diwali to go shopping. That was one of the reasons it was Kala’s favourite festival.

After a while, Wolfgang noticed that Will wasn’t really watching the people but gazing blankly into space. He nudged him.

‘Hey, you all right?’

Will glanced at him. ‘Hmm?’

‘You’re distracted.’

Will shrugged.

‘Is it the dreams?’

Will looked at him. ‘They’re not really dreams anymore.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s happening when I’m awake, like I’m present in these people’s lives.’

‘Do you think it’s another cluster?’

‘I don’t know who they are. All I know is that I have a connection to them.’

‘Well, be careful.’

Will looked at him. ‘What do you mean?’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘I mean, you don’t know anything about these people. Don’t just trust them because you feel close to them or whatever.’

Will frowned. ‘You never trust anyone, do you?’

‘And with good reason,’ said Wolfgang, darkly. He reached out and put his hand on Will’s arm. ‘Never trust anyone unless they give you a fucking good reason to. That’s the way I’ve always lived my life.’

‘I’m not sure I can do that, Wolfie.’

‘You’ve got to, Will, for the sake of the others. We’ve got to protect _our_ cluster, Will. That’s the only thing that matters. Our cluster and our families.’

Will bit his lip then nodded. But he didn’t say anything, just looked away.


	23. Chapter 23

Niki didn’t even see the tackle coming. One moment, she was running, the next, she was on the ground. She didn’t even feel the pain at first, just a sick, spaced out feeling. She lay still, gazing up at the vivid blue sky and watched the way the clouds seemed to wobble.

‘Niki,’ Kiri yelled, running over and kneeling by her side. ‘Shit, you okay?’

‘I … might … need some help … getting up.’ The words felt heavy and difficult in her mouth.

‘Don’t get up, Parata,’ said the medic, urgently, as she arrived by her side. ‘Looks like you’ve broken your ankle.’

‘I can’t have. I feel okay, just a bit wobbly. I can probably get up now.’

‘Niki, you really don’t want to get up,’ said Kiri.

‘Honestly, I’m okay. Think I just got winded.’

‘Nik, look at your ankle,’ said Kiri, gently.

The medic kept her hand on her shoulder but let Niki lift her head to look down. A wave of sickness swept over her and she pressed her lips tightly together. She could see bone. She took a deep breath and put her head back. ‘Okay, I’m not getting up.’

‘Can we get a stretcher over here?’ called the medic.

Niki stayed as calm and obedient as she could. Kiri held her hand as she was transferred onto the stretcher. She could sense the rest of the team waiting uncertainly beyond, and the opposing team, the tackler who had taken her down calling apologies at her.

‘It’s okay, Williams,’ Niki called. ‘It’s the game.’

Kiri had to let go out her hand as the as the stretcher was taken out of the stadium. Niki heard the applause and cheers for her from the crowd and she heard the whistle blow as the game resumed without her. It was only a friendly but still, Niki hated missing out on a game. And she already knew by what she’d seen as she looked down, that she was going to be out of the game for a while.

The shock was wearing off and the pain was setting in as she was carried into the ambulance. She gritted her teeth, taking the pain with not even a whimper. The paramedics were already hooking her up to some pain relief. But even that stuff couldn’t dull the pain inside, the pain that came with the knowledge that she wasn’t going to be able to play the game, her life’s passion, for months, or even longer. She even knew of people who’d had to give it up completely after an injury like that.

Fuck, she really hoped this wasn’t the end of her rugby career. It felt like she had only just begun to fulfil her dream. This couldn’t be the end. She wouldn’t let it be.

Kala looked around the flat with a smile on her face. All the candles and the diyas were lit, the paper chains were up and the living area was filled with the scent of baking. They had all been working hard getting ready for their guests and she was excited to welcome them to her home.

She slid her hands over her bump, as was becoming habit. She loved the saree she was wearing. It was silk, of course, and she’d chosen one with red and blue in it, to complement both the red sherwani Rajan was wearing, and the blue one she had chosen for Wolfgang. She was proud of how they looked. Wolfgang was being very well behaved and was managing not to fiddle with the unfamiliar garment. He looked very handsome.

Riley and Will were dressed up too. Riley was wearing a red and gold saree and Will’s sherwani was dark red with flecks of gold. The house was bright with all the lights and she already felt so light and happy and full of joy. It had been a wonderful visit and this was the culmination. In a few days, they would be flying back to Paris. Rajan had called up and had booked their second scan with their doctor for a week after they got back, and then they could start getting their home ready for the baby.

She was both excited and nervous, feeling she knew both Wolfgang and Rajan were also feeling. She worried more about Wolfgang than she did about Rajan. Her husband had been ready for this for a long time, had read a lot about the subject and she knew he felt reasonably prepared. But she knew that Wolfgang was still adjusting to the idea, a brand new idea for him, and she knew he was still frightened he wouldn’t be any good. There was more than that as well. She could feel it, that dark fear deep inside him, that he would pass on the worst of himself to his child.

She didn’t believe that. She was certain; any part of Wolfgang that their child inherited would be wonderful, because he was good. She had always been certain of that, more certain than he had ever been.

‘Someone’s here,’ said Riley, going to answer the door.

‘Probably Oma,’ said Wolfgang, standing up and pulling his sherwani straight. ‘She likes to be early, as long as she’s managed to drag Felix out of his pit.’

‘It’s mid-afternoon,’ said Rajan. ‘Surely even Felix can’t lie in until this time.’

Wolfgang scoffed but didn’t say anything else as Riley opened the door, and Oma and Felix came in.

‘Meine Güte, gnädig, this looks so wonderful,’ Oma said, gazing round at all the lights and the decorations. ‘I can see why you love this festival, Kala.’ 

‘Yeah, looks good, where’s the booze?’ said Felix.

Wolfgang rolled his eyes. ‘It’s not really a booze sort of party, Felix.’

‘Oh. Okay, where’s the food?’

Rajan grinned. ‘It’s in the kitchen, Felix. Help yourself.’

‘Just remember to leave some for everybody else,’ said Wolfgang, smiling affectionately.

Oma took Kala’s arm and led her to the sofa. ‘Tell me how you are, Schatz.’

As Oma engaged her in conversation, Kala felt a wave of affection for her. She was so warm and loving. She was like Wolfgang was inside, the Wolfgang hidden beneath so many layers of self-protection. Yet she knew Oma had had her fair share of trauma. How could she still be so open and unafraid of showing her love? 

Kala didn’t know where she got her resilience from but she knew her baby would be very lucky to have such a wonderful Uroma as Petra Tillich. Her baby was so lucky to have such a big, loving family.

Once Kala’s parents and sister arrived, the party got going. Everybody was chatting and enjoying the delicious food. Wolfgang was pleased. He and Rajan had spent ages making everything, to the best of their ability. He was quietly delighted when Sanyam complimented the food, giving him a warm smile.

But after a while, he needed a little bit of space. He knew they were all used to that about him and nobody would mind if he slipped outside for a little while, just for some air and a little bit of quiet.

He went out on the balcony. This was a situation where he’d normally smoke, but he was trying not to. Besides, he wasn’t freaking out or anything. He was doing okay, surprising himself. Kala was glowing, happy and excited. Every time he looked at her, he felt himself falling more and more in love with her, and he had never thought that was even possible. She was going to be a wonderful mama, teaching her child so much, loving them so completely. He could already feel how much she loved her baby. And Rajan was going to be a kind, loving and gentle Papa. He was going to be the one who knew everything they needed to know. They had it in hand. And he was going to do his best.

He heard the balcony door open behind him and he glanced around. He smiled when he saw it was Oma.

‘I’m not disturbing you, am I, Mäuschen?’

He shook his head. ‘You could never disturb me, Oma.’

She chuckled softly. ‘Such a charmer. I don’t know where you get it from.’ She leaned on the balcony next to him and gazed at him for a while before she spoke again. ‘You are a thoughtful boy. You always were.’ She stroked the silk arm of his sherwani. ‘You look so handsome. What is it called again?’

He smiled. ‘A sherwani.’

‘It suits you.’ 

He frowned at her. ‘Oma, tell me about when mama had me.’

Oma smiled; her blue eyes, so like his, were bright. ‘Oh, it was a wonderful time, Mäuschen. He was in prison, after he got caught trying to crack that safe. It was just us, and life felt so simple. There wasn’t much money, only benefits and what little I could spare. But that didn’t matter, because we had each other.’

‘I know she had a water birth.’

‘She did, and I was there with her. You were so small, but you barely cried. They put you on your mama’s chest and you just snuggled right in. I’ll never forget it, like you knew that was where you belonged.’

He closed his eyes and remembered that vision he’d had, the one they’d all had, about their first breath. They didn’t know if it was real, but it had felt like it. An unconscious memory passed onto them somehow.

He opened his eyes to find that Oma was watching him. He cleared his throat. ‘What happened when he got out of prison?’ he asked.

Oma sighed. ‘He came looking for her. You were three months old. I begged her not to go but he said he was taking you, no matter what she had to say about it.’ She shrugged helplessly. ‘Neither of us were a match for him. So she went, hoping to protect you. I wish …’

He put his arm around her and kissed her brow. ‘I know, Oma, but what happened happened and we can’t change it now.’ He looked at her. ‘You know I won’t ever let anything bad happen to your great grandchild, don’t you?’

She reached up and patted his cheek. ‘You’re going to be a wonderful Vati, Mäuschen.’

‘I’ll need your help, Oma, because I … I’m not sure I can do this on my own.’

‘You won’t be on your own, my little one. You’ll have me and all your family.’

He didn’t say anything, just hugged her. He thought of his mama, and how alone she had been. She’d done her best but she’d been on her own, with someone much more powerful than her. But he wasn’t on his own, and he never would be.


	24. Chapter 24

The explosion rocked the house above them and Anwar wrapped his arms around his two little boys and pulled them close.

‘Baba,’ cried Basir. ‘That one was so close.’

They were in the cellar, as the explosions shook their city, missiles turning familiar landmarks to dust. Every time they went outside, there was another part of their home destroyed.

Barack hid his face in his chest. ‘I don’t like it, Baba.’

Anwar held his twin sons to him and the ache in his chest was almost too much to bear. Their mother, his Ruya, should be with them now, her soft hands smoothing back their sons’ hair from their brows, calming them with her gentle kisses and loving words. But she was gone. Now it was up to him.

Another explosion rocked the house and bits of plaster fell from the ceiling. There were cries nearby, people were injured. He should go and help; it was his job to make people better. But he couldn’t leave his boys.

Barack was crying and Basir’s hands, tight on Anwar’s jacket, were shaking. He tightened his arms around them, holding them close. He couldn’t stay here anymore. He had to go. He had to take them away from the fear and the danger. He had to get them away from their own war-torn country. It just wasn’t safe here anymore. 

The celebration went on late. When it got dark, they went out onto the balcony and watched the fireworks. Wolfgang looked around at them all and smiled at the happy looks on their faces. For a moment the whole cluster was with them enjoying the sight together.

When her family left, Kala wept as she hugged them all goodbye. She knew it would be a while before she could see them again. Her mother promised they would visit soon and her dad hugged her tightly. He hugged Rajan and Wolfgang too.

Oma and Felix went not long afterwards. Oma thanked them warmly for the food and the party and Felix said he would make sure she got safely back to her hotel room. Wolfgang knew full well that he was going to go out drinking after that.

Well, as long as he was fit to travel in three days, that was fine.

Left alone, the five of them fell into bed together. Nobody was shy about this anymore, not even Rajan. Their happiness and love for each other flowed through them as they exchanged soft kisses and caresses.

Riley’s hands were gentle on Kala’s belly, but her kisses were fiery. Rajan moved against her, his hands soft on her hips as he kissed her neck and shoulder. Wolfgang was behind him and she could feel his passion for them all. She could feel him, strongly. She felt his arousal coursing through his body, Rajan’s skin beneath his hands, Will’s mouth on his shoulder.

They were all warmth and softness as they moved together. Their touches, both familiar and loving, were electric on each other’s skin. They could feel the rest of the cluster with him, their pleasure echoing through each other.

Will seemed to be with all of them at once, kissing them and holding him. He captured Wolfgang’s mouth in a passionate kiss, while at the same time, his hand spread across Kala’s thigh and his arm wrapped around Riley’s waist.

None of them knew what was physical and what was purely emotional. They only knew that they were all together.

After their pleasure peaked, they lay wrapped up in each other, snuggling up together and just experiencing the warmth and softness of each other. Kala closed her eyes and smiled as she felt them all with her. She was cocooned in them, safe and warm and happy with her lovers and her cluster all around her. 

They spent the next couple of days clearing up the decorations, making everything tidy and neat for when they came back, and packing. The cot bed arrived so Wolfgang and Will built it, so it would be ready for the baby whenever they came back.

Finally, it was their last day. Will and Riley’s flight was first, late morning, so they said goodbye to them after breakfast.

‘We’ll visit often,’ said Riley, hugging Kala close. ‘And we’ll fly over the moment you need us.’

Kala smiled. ‘I know. Thank you.’

Will hugged her and kissed her brow. ‘Take care of yourself and that little one.’

She hugged him tight. ‘I will.’

Will turned to Wolfgang, gazing at him for a moment before he hugged him tight.

‘Don’t worry,’ said Wolfgang, into his neck. ‘Raj and I will take care of Kala.’

‘I know. But take care of yourself as well.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I always do.’

Will pulled away, cupped his cheek briefly and smiled. ‘Let them look after you too,’ he said, gently.

‘And you remember what I said about the dreams,’ said Wolfgang.

Will nodded. The five of them exchanged more hugs and kisses, then Will and Riley were gone, leaving Wolfgang, Rajan and Kala alone.

They looked at each other then glanced around at the flat they wouldn’t see for quite a few months at least.

‘Isn’t it strange?’ said Rajan. ‘Next time we’re here, we’ll have our son or daughter with us.’

Wolfgang took a deep breath and felt a little dizzy as the truth of that statement overwhelmed him. How was he ever going to be ready?

Kala slipped her hand through his and Rajan’s. ‘We’ll be ready. When we get home, we’ll buy what we need and set it all up. We’ll feel much better then.’

Wolfgang held her hand tight, then reached for Rajan and pulled them both into a hug. He was so glad he had them and he wasn’t going to be alone.

It felt like days later when they finally arrived home. They dropped Oma and Felix off at their flats, then went straight home. It was early morning and they were exhausted. They dumped their bags and went straight to bed.

Wolfgang sighed contentedly as, having stripped off, he lay down in their big bed and watched the other two get ready. Rajan was ready first and he lay down beside Wolfgang and snuggled up close.

‘Mmm, it feels so good to be home.’

Wolfgang turned into him and kissed him lazily. ‘It feels like a long time since we were here.’

‘It is. And everything’s different now.’

Wolfgang glanced at the bathroom, where he knew Kala was brushing her hair. ‘Raj, I know you’re prepared and you’ve read everything ever about pregnancy and babies but …’

Rajan looked at him, trailing a finger across his cheek. ‘What?’

‘Underneath, you are as terrified as I am, right?’

Rajan laughed softly. ‘Yeah. Absolutely petrified. Why do you think I read so much? It’s my way of coping.’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘That’s very you.’ He kissed him. ‘Well, I’m relieved I’m not the only one shitting myself about this. Though … at the same time, I couldn’t be more excited about it and I think I already … love that kid pretty hard, if that’s possible without even meeting them and I don’t want anything but to be good at this and I’m terrified I won’t be, because nobody ever taught me how to be and …’ He trailed off, not sure where all those words had come from suddenly, and Rajan was watching him so intently.

Rajan cupped his cheek. ‘I have complete faith in you, my love, because I know what a gentle and loving person you are, how you’ve always been with me and with Kala.’ He smiled. ‘And you’re going to teach our child the best self-defence moves that any kid ever had anywhere. Our child is going to be able to hold their own against anybody in the world. They are going to kick ass, just like you, my love.'

Wolfgang smiled. He didn’t reply, just tugged Rajan close and snuggled into him. Rajan’s arms went around him and held him close.

After a few minutes, Kala came out of the bathroom and climbed into bed with them. They made room for her between them and the three of them snuggled up and fell asleep in each other’s arms. They were home.


	25. Chapter 25

Tora woke a second before her alarm, as usual, with the weight of her white Akita, Reo, on her chest. She buried her hands in Reo’s fur, kissed the top of his head and hugged him.

‘Alexa, stop alarm.’

She lay still in the silence for a moment, thinking about the order of the day. Reo watched her, waiting for her to say what she normally said.

‘Alexa, play my morning playlist.’

The device immediately began to play the bright, happy music she always started her day with, and Reo immediately leaped off her and scampered over to the kitchen for his morning biscuit.

Tora gave it to him before she headed to the bathroom. She showered and dressed, then grabbed her headphones before going on her early morning walk with Reo. It was only just light and there weren’t many people around, even in the park. Tora liked the park and, as it was November, the trees were a vivid landscape of reds and yellows.

When she saw how quiet it was, she took her headphones off and enjoyed the peace of the park. Reo trotted obediently beside her, the lead loose in her hand. Her mother had been right about getting a dog. Without him, she’d probably never even bother leaving her flat.

Her walks also gave her time to think, to get inspired by the world around her. It all found its way into her work somewhere.

She was excited about her latest project, a fantasy adventure series for Netflix in an anime style. Lots of detailed landscapes, with sprawling forest and vast mountain ranges; all her favourite things for her to draw.

She smiled. Her fans would search the series for every hint of her work, they would buy everything she did, but none of them knew he real name. None of them knew what she really looked like. None of them knew the real her. Nobody did, except maybe her dog.

Wolfgang woke late in the morning, with his head settled on the soft warmth of Rajan’s chest. He kept his eyes closed for a moment, just feeling him. His arm was around his waist, his fingers moving absently across Wolfgang’s skin, and his breathing was slow and deep. He peeped up at him and smiled. Rajan was reading his book, half-sat up in the bed, and a frown on his face. Wolfgang just watched him for a moment; he loved that little frown he got when he was concentrating. He also loved how easily, how casually he gave his affection.

Rajan seemed to feel his gaze on him and he put his book down and smiled. ‘Good morning, sleepyhead.’

Wolfgang yawned and stretched. ‘Morning. Where’s Kala?’

‘Having a bath, and shopping on her phone.’

Wolfgang chuckled. ‘Sounds right.’ He pulled back. ‘I gotta go to the bathroom. I’ll be back in a minute.’

‘I’ll be here.’

Wolfgang sloped off to the bathroom. Kala was in there, relaxing in the warm water with her eyes closed. Her phone was on the side table, its screen still on. She had been shopping, but now she was just taking a moment to enjoy the bath. Her bump protruded slightly above the water and her hands rested lightly on it. Her wet skin shone and he knew his face softened as he gazed at her.

‘I know you’re watching me,’ she said, her lips quirking in a gentle smile.

‘How can I not when you look like that?’

She grinned, opening her eyes for a moment. ‘Charmer.’

He shrugged, grinning back at her. ‘Of course.’

She sighed contentedly. ‘I could stay here forever.’

‘Stay there as long as you like.’ He grinned, wickedly. ‘I’ll keep Rajan busy.’

She laughed, shaking her head in amusement. He quickly had a piss, brushed his teeth, then returned to the bedroom. Rajan was reading his book again. Wolfgang stepped up beside up, lifted the book away and popped the bookmark in. Rajan looked up at him, a small, knowing smile gracing his lips.

‘Ah, you want my attention, do you?’

‘Always,’ said Wolfgang, then immediately climbed back on the bed, straddled Rajan and kissed him. Rajan sighed into the kiss, murmuring against him. Wolfgang slid his hands across Rajan’s smooth chest, cupping his pecs, then trailing his fingers lightly across his nipples.

Rajan moaned and the sound vibrated through Wolfgang. He smirked against Rajan’s mouth and pressed himself further into his lap. Rajan’s hands went to his shoulders, then trailed down his back until he reached his buttocks. He grabbed two handfuls of his ass and kneaded firmly.

Wolfgang could feel his lover’s cock responding to him, as they continued to kiss and touch each other. He felt Rajan’s arms tense a second before he made his move and he grinned as he realised what was coming.

Rajan flipped him, pressing him beneath him onto the bed in a move Wolfgang himself had taught him.

‘Using my own moves against me now?’ he murmured, from beneath Rajan’s firm, hot body.

Rajan grinned and kissed his mouth. ‘Well, why else did you teach me them, my love?’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘True.’ He pushed up into him. ‘So, what else have you learned?’

‘This,’ said Rajan. He leaned in and started to kiss, lick and nibble on Wolfgang’s neck and shoulder, making him growl softly. He reached between them and grasped Wolfgang’s cock, moving his grip up and down in a slow rhythm. Wolfgang whimpered, clenching his toes as his lover teased him.

He reached for Rajan, sliding his hand into his boxers and grasping his cock. Rajan growled into his neck. Wolfgang took advantage of his distraction to roll them over again and pin Rajan beneath him. He slid sideways off him to get his boxers off.

Rajan laughed. ‘You’re so eager.’

‘Always am, Liebling.’

He pulled Rajan against him again, grinning at the feeling of his lover naked against him. They kissed, lazily at first, then more intensely as their passion increased. They pulled each other as close as they could, moving against each other and moaning into each other’s mouths.

Rajan gripped his hip tightly, his thumb stroking gently even as he moved desperately against him. Wolfgang met his gaze as he felt the heat of pleasure overtake him. Rajan was breathing hard and his grip on Wolfgang tightened. He was close.

Wolfgang slid his hand round the back of Rajan’s neck, burying his fingers in his hair and pulling him into a kiss. He flexed his hips deliberately into his lover and then they were both coming, grasping hard onto each other and burying their cries in their kiss.

They collapsed together, breathing hard. They exchanged a slow, lazy kiss, then Wolfgang rested his head on Rajan’s chest and Rajan held him tight to him. Wolfgang sighed contentedly, Rajan’s chest warm against his cheek and his hands stroking his back gently.

He could just stay here forever, in his lover’s arms, happy and content. Rajan kissed his forehead and combed his fingers through his hair. ‘Love you,’ he murmured.

Wolfgang tilted his head up and kissed him softly on the lips. ‘Liebe dich.’

They lay together for a little while before they heard the bathroom door open and then felt Kala lean over them. She kissed them both softly.

‘It looks like you two had fun.’

Wolfgang turned his head to look at her and smiled. ‘Of course.’

She was dressed and she’d dried and brushed out her hair. She gave them a smile and smoothed a hand across Wolfgang’s forehead. ‘You two had better get cleaned up. I want to go out shopping.’

Wolfgang groaned. ‘Only you would want to go shopping the day after we get back from travelling halfway round the world.’

Kala looked at him. ‘You don’t really mind, do you?’

He smiled, reaching out to take her hand. He kissed her palm. ‘No, I don’t really mind.’ He glanced up at Rajan and grinned. ‘I know you’re both keen to get stuff ready for the baby. I am too.’

She stroked his cheek. ‘We’ll just get a few things today. And we’ll go again after the scan.’

Wolfgang nodded, then sat up. ‘You know what this means, Kala?’

She frowned. ‘What?’

He grinned at her. ‘You’ll have to sort breakfast out, because Raj and I have to get cleaned up.’ He grabbed Rajan’s hand and tugged him up, making Rajan laugh.

Kala shook her head, smiling. ‘Well, don’t take too long, or it’ll be lunch I’ll end up making.’

‘Don’t worry, Kala. I’ll keep Wolfie under control.’

Kala laughed. ‘And when has anybody ever done that?’

Rajan smirked. ‘Good point. But I do enjoy trying.’

Wolfgang just laughed and pulled Rajan off to the shower, as Kala shook her head in amusement and went off to the kitchen to make some food. They would need the sustenance to get through the shopping she had planned.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where some of those more triggery tags start to happen so be aware.

Mari sat still and invisible at the white metal table outside the café. She was good at being invisible, at going unnoticed and blending in in most situations. She had a lifetime behind her of learning to go unseen. She held her spotty travel cup in one hand and the other perched ready in front of her propped-up tablet. She wasn’t watching the screen; she was watching the middle-aged man talking very closely with a woman younger than she was.

At Mari’s feet, Eowyn lay quietly, waiting patiently for her treat. Mari didn’t need to hold her lead; she knew she wouldn’t go anywhere without her. Mari watched the couple unobtrusively, waiting for just the right moment to take the picture. Her target leaned into his girlfriend, smiling.

As their lips met in a soft, loving kiss, Mari’s finger gently tapped the camera button and the tablet silently took the photograph. She leaned back, satisfied, and took a long drink of her hot chocolate. Job done, she could relax a little. Perhaps she would get a little more information to send back to her client along with the incriminating photograph. These jobs weren’t the most interesting she had, but they were good, reliable earners.

Her target was speaking to the woman again and this time, Mari could see his mouth. She watched carefully, picking up the words easily enough.

‘I just have to move the money across to the secret account and then I can leave her. I promise. Soon.’

Mari raised an eyebrow and reached down to pat Eowyn’s back. Well, that was an interesting titbit to add to her report. That was one part she did particularly enjoy about these sorts of jobs, helping women get away from their scumbag husbands.

She sat there a little longer, until the two lovers parted company. Then she finished her hot chocolate and started for home, Eowyn trotting obediently at her side. She didn’t understand why anyone bothered getting in relationships. Life was much simpler if you stayed on your own. She didn’t need anything, except her dog. She glanced down and Eowyn looked up at her and wagged her tail. Ten years, they had been together and the happy black and white dog was the only companion she needed.

‘Home at last,’ said Riley, as she plonked herself down in bed and stretched out.

Will stripped down to his boxers and climbed in beside her. ‘We should have come to bed earlier.’ He yawned. ‘I’m exhausted.’

‘Well, Papa had made that wonderful meal for us, much better that airplane food.’

‘True. He was so pleased to see us again.’

‘He missed us. I missed him.’

‘So did I,’ said Will, putting his arm around her as she snuggled close.

‘I’m glad we went though, that we were with Kala when she found out. I still can’t believe it.’

‘Are you … feeling all right about everything? About the baby? Do you want to talk about it?’

‘I’m all right. I’m so happy for her.’

‘It’d be normal if you felt a little bit sad too,’ Will said, gently.

She looked up at him, smiling sadly at him. ‘I always feel a little bit sad, elskan.’

He sighed and wrapped his other arm around her, cocooning her in his warmth. He kissed the top of her head. ‘I know, sweetheart.’

She stayed still in his embrace for a moment, then pulled back a little. ‘But I’m all right. I’m just … I’m determined she’s going to be all right.’ She looked at him. ‘I’m going to try my best to keep control of my anxiety as she gets closer to her due date.’

‘Well, I’m here to help, no matter what happens. I’ll do what I can.’

She smiled and kissed him, cupping his cheek. ‘I know.’ She kissed him again, then settled against his chest. ‘We should sleep.’

He closed his eyes, turning his cheek into her soft blonde hair. ‘Goodnight, Rils,’ he murmured.

‘Goodnight,’ she sighed.

He held her close as he felt himself drift towards sleep, aware that there was still something they weren’t talking about.

_His belly is big and round and he knows there is life inside him. He is so happy, he thinks he must be glowing. He cannot keep the smile from his face. This life, these lives, are his to protect. He has to protect them, with his life if necessary. He will do whatever he has to, just to keep them safe._

_‘Protect them,’ Angelica whispers._

_The weight of the baby is warm and solid in his arms. He hears cries, but not from the baby in his arms. That child looks up at him with cold greenish blue eyes. He can feel danger, a dark threat. His children are not safe._

_‘Protect them,’ Angelica whispers._

_His children are in pain. They are crying, begging for him to help them. He has to do it. He has to keep them all safe, even if that means taking a life. He doesn’t want to do it._

_‘Protect them,’ Angelica whispers._

_Those cold greenish blue eyes are still staring at him. He cannot stand it anymore. He feels the danger in that dispassionate gaze. He grabs a pillow, blocks out those eyes. The baby doesn’t cry, doesn’t struggle but, as it dies, he feels the wrench in his own body. He feels the breath leave his own lungs._

Will woke with a horrible lurching feeling inside him. He scrambled out of bed, ran to the toilet and threw up. Afterwards, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall and panting, he checked on Kala and Wolfgang. They were all right. They were in bed together, sleeping with Rajan beside them. Kala was in the middle and Wolfgang’s arm stretched across her waist, his hand resting gently on Rajan’s hip.

He quickly looked in on the rest of the cluster but they all seemed fine. Nomi was getting ready to out for dinner with Amanita. They were both in their underwear and giggling as they chose each other’s outfits. Capheus was fast asleep, with Zakia, in their flat, a red sheet draped over their naked bodies.

Sun was at work. She’d just finished a meeting and was contemplating calling Kwan-Ho to arrange a lunch date. Lito was lazing in his hot tub, watching Hernando cook dinner for the three of them, as Dani painted her nails. Everybody was all right. Everyone was happy and well. So why did he feel so strange?

He got up, splashed his face with cold water and brushed his teeth. He thought back to his dream and shuddered. Why was he dreaming about putting a pillow over a baby’s face? That wasn’t normal. What the fuck was going on with him?

He looked at himself in the mirror. He looked pale and shaky. For a moment, he thought of going to Wolfgang, waking the other man and letting himself open up to him. But no, he couldn’t do that. Wolfgang had enough to worry about for now. He didn’t need to be looking after Will as well. Will could look after himself. He was used to doing the worrying for them all. He would keep this to himself and just sort himself out. He didn’t need to bother anyone else with it.

He returned to bed, relieved to see that Riley hadn’t woken. He slipped back into bed beside her, allowing himself to take a little comfort from her presence and from the warmth and softness of her in his arms.


	27. Chapter 27

‘Rafael, that was great, I think we’ve got it,’ said Alex the sound technician.

‘Sure you don’t want me to do one more?’ Rafael asked, from inside the recording booth. ‘I can do another few.’

Coral, his manager, smiled at him. ‘Rafie, I know you’re a perfectionist but I think twenty is probably enough. Come on, I’ll take you for a coffee. There’s a few things I want to chat about.’

Rafael let himself out of the booth, thanked Alex and left with Coral. They made their way to their favourite coffee place around the corner. It was a family run business, a cousin of Coral’s and they could always be guaranteed a quiet table where no one would spot them. Anyway, in LA, nobody made too much of a fuss over meeting celebrities in the wild.

‘So, what do you want to talk about?’ he asked, as they sat as their usual table in the quiet corner of the café.

‘I think it’s time for another tour, maybe around Europe? What do you think?’

‘Well, you’re the expert. I assume you want the tour to coincide with the album coming out?’

‘That would work best. If all goes well, the album should be out in March so if we start the tour the last week of April and go through until June. We should have time to visit quite a few countries in Europe.’

‘Sounds all right to me.’

She smiled sideways at him. ‘Would you like to bring that handsome boyfriend of yours?’

‘Ah, well, actually, Tito and I broke up last week.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, love.’

‘Don’t be. It wasn’t working for a while.’ He grinned. ‘I’ll just be free and single instead. Maybe I’ll meet a hot European guy?’

Coral laughed. ‘That’s the spirit.’ She leaned back and took a sip of her cappuccino. ‘What about the family?’

The same moment she asked the question, Rafael’s phone rang. He dug it out of his pocket and frowned. ‘Speaking of.’ He accepted the call. ‘Hey, Elena, qué pasa?’

‘Hi, Rafie, how are you?’ Elena’s voice was soft and sweet and he was immediately suspicious.

‘What do you want, Elena?’

‘I just wondered if you could send me some money. Y’know Rosita needs new shoes and she must be having a growth spurt because that kid is always hungry.’

‘Lena, if you would move into the house with me and Abuelita, Rosie would never do without anything, neither would you, or at least the things that are good for you.’

Elena sighed impatiently on the other end of the phone. ‘Why do you always think I’m using your money to buy drugs?’

‘Because you normally are. Look, Elena, I will buy whatever food or clothes you or Rosie need. I’ll pay for however many rehabs you need. I’ll pay your rent, but if I just give you money, we both know where it’s going to go and I won’t help you do that.’

Elena huffed on the other end of the phone. ‘Fine. Screw you.’ She hung up.

Rafael sighed and put down his phone. Coral gave him a sympathetic look and patted his hand.

‘Same old trouble?’

He nodded. ‘I don’t know what to do about it.’

‘You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.’

‘I just … Elena could do so much, she could _be_ so much but she just won’t. It’s like she’s too damaged.’

‘You’ve both been through a lot,’ said Coral gently.

‘But we’ve also been very fortunate.’ He sighed and leaned back, taking a sip of his Frappuccino. ‘I don’t mind how many rehabs I pay for. I just want her to get better. Not just for her but for Rosie. She’s only seven.’

‘If you stop paying their rent, they would have to move in with you.’

He shook his head. ‘I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to control them. I’ll talk to Elena again, _calmly_ , when I see her tomorrow.’

He sighed. He had done so much for Elena to try and give her a good life. He’d got them out of their old neighbourhood, paid for private school for his niece, done everything he could to support them after Rosie’s father had left. Yet Elena had fallen into addiction and done things he didn’t like to think of to fund that addiction. He’d sent her to rehab after rehab. He’d paid for medication, for counselling, for everything. Nothing had been enough and he no longer knew what to do. What did you do when family support wasn’t enough?

Lito sat in the back seat of his driver’s car and looked out of the window. As they drove through the now-familiar streets of LA, he found himself smiling. He had fallen in love with this city since he’d been here. He could never say he loved it as much as he loved Mexico but it was now his home, just as much as Mexico City had been, and still was. Hernando loved it here too. Lito had been worried when they had first decided to move. It was just as important that Hernando do what he loved. But now he had his teaching position at UCLA and the students loved him. Well, why wouldn’t they? And Dani loved it here too. She was still fairly giddy with excitement about it, even now they had been here for more than a year.

Lito was nervous. He wanted to leap about and shout to try and get some of his nervous energy out but he was stuck in the car. He couldn’t even vent with use of the car horn, now he was famous enough to get a car sent for him to bring him to the sets. He knew the nerves wouldn’t last long, but he always got them on a new movie. And this one was a little different than roles he had played before. This time he was playing a scientist and he wasn’t sure he looked clever enough.

‘Just be true,’ said Sun, beside him. He glanced at her and smiled. She was always a calming influence. Well, when she wasn’t too wound up herself.

‘You are right,’ he murmured to her, aware of his driver in the front. Though hopefully he was used to eccentric artists by now.

‘And we’re always here if you need us.’

His smile widened. ‘I know. That’s what family is for.’

Family. The word echoed in Wolfgang’s mind. It used to mean something different. It used to mean pain and danger. Heartbreak. But now, it meant his cluster. Now it meant Kala and Rajan and their baby.

He ambled through the rows of prams, pushchairs and strollers. He had no idea what the difference was. All he could think about was the idea that pushing your child out in front of you seemed counter-intuitive to him. Surely the best way to protect them was to hold them close.

Kala and Rajan were examining one particular pram a little way off in the massive shop, what he could only describe as a showroom for baby stuff. He had never imagined there could be so much stuff.

He paused as he spotted someone coming towards him. The woman wasn’t paying any attention to him; she was cooing at the little baby who was dozing in a cloth carrier wrapped around her chest. Her hand rested on the baby’s back and, as she moved, the baby came with her. That was more like it. Easier to protect like that.

Kala appeared beside him. ‘We think we’ve found one we like. Come and see.’

‘I’d like a carrier,’ he said. ‘Like that one.’

Kala looked and smiled, her cheeks darkening with a pleased blush. ‘All right. We’ll get one of those too.’

He walked back to her and Rajan, grinning slightly as the assistant helping them quirked her eyebrows in surprise as she realised the _three_ of them were the parents. The pram they had chosen was red, which made sense. It was perfectly adjustable for the three of them and, according to Rajan’s research, had all the important safety features.

Wolfgang tuned out a little as they sorted out payment and arranging for the delivery. Kala had found a cloth carrier for them to use as well and he felt himself smiling as he imagined himself using it. It was getting easier to imagine their child now. Reading one or two of Rajan’s books had helped. He was getting used to the mental image of them as a family of four.

In a couple of days, they were going to the second scan and they would get an even better image of them. They were also going to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl. Then they could start arguing about names. He grinned, glancing at his lovers. He loved arguing with them. That was part of being a family too.


	28. Chapter 28

Another day, another night shift done. Teddy yawned as he watched the sunrise out of the bus window. He’d been on his feet for twelve hours, rushed around like mad looking after a hundred different patients, barely stopped, but this half an hour bus ride at the end of it was only time he felt really tired.

It was the adrenaline, his mum said. When you rushed around like that, when you finally stopped, you felt it. He rested his head against the window, gazing blankly ahead in the direction of some of the other passengers. It was some minutes before he realised what he was looking at.

Across and a few seats ahead from him were two men, a couple by their body language. One was blond and pale, slightly taller than the other. He had his arm around his partner, who was a little shorter, with dark hair and an olive complexion. He smiled sweetly as he nuzzled sleepily against his boyfriend’s shoulder. A suitcase was on the floor beside them.

Teddy wondered where they were going. He knew this bus went on to Liverpool John Lennon Airport after his stop, so he guessed they were flying somewhere. Maybe on a holiday together. Teddy sighed softly and imagined that, imagined just being able to go off on holiday with your love, with your partner in life. He wanted that so much. But it was the one thing he couldn’t have.

He got off at his stop, thanking the bus driver automatically. As he walked the few blocks home, his thoughts were back on that bus with that couple, imagining it was him going on holiday with someone who loved him. He was so consumed by the image that he didn’t notice his mum on the doorstep of the house when he reached it. Not until she called his name.

‘Teddy, have you seen your brother?’

Teddy stopped abruptly and blinked at her. ‘Mickey? Isn’t he in bed?’

‘Not Mickey. He’s fast asleep. Josiah. Has he asked you for money?’

‘No, I haven’t spoken to him for about three days. Why?’

‘They’ve been round asking after him.’

‘The police? Again?’

She tutted, glancing around at the other houses on the narrow street. ‘Don’t stand on the doorstep shouting about it. Come in.’

He stepped inside and she shut the door after him a little too hard. He looked properly at her. Her brow was deeply furrowed and there were bags under her eyes. She looked like she’d barely slept.

‘Have you called him?’

‘He never answers that house phone. I don’t know why he bothers with it.’

‘I’ll call his mobile,’ Teddy said. ‘He’s probably out with his mates somewhere.’

‘He should never have moved out,’ his mum said as Teddy dug his phone out of his pocket. ‘It was only your dad worrying about Mickey but the police come to our door just as much now as when he lived here.’

‘You were tearing your hair out about him all the time, mum,’ Teddy said, as the phone rang.

‘But at least I knew he was _alive_ , most of the time.’

Teddy shook his head, keeping back the sigh. The phone clicked and then a rough voice answered.

‘What?’

‘Where are you, Josh? Mum’s worried.’

‘Fuck’s sake, Ted, I’m just trying to live my life here, right? When isn’t she fucking worried?’

‘The police have been round.’

‘You didn’t tell them where I was?’ asked Josh, his voice hard and wary.

‘How can we when we don’t know where you are? What’s going on, Josh?’

‘Fuckin’ nothing. Tell mum everything’s fine. I’m fine and I don’t need her fucking interfering.’

‘Josh…’

‘Just leave it, Teddy. I’m just trying to have a good time here.’

Teddy took a few steps away from his mum and lowered his voice. ‘Well if your good time is bringing the police to our door, it needs to stop. You know the police scare the shit out of mum and dad, ever since the deportations happened.’

There is a long silence and Teddy starts to hope Josh is getting the message.

‘Just make sure they don’t tell the police where I am, all right?’ Josh said, then put the phone down. Teddy sighed, frustratedly.

His mum was looking expectantly at him. ‘Well, is he all right?’

‘He’s … as charming as usual.’

She chewed on her lip and he reached out and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. ‘He’s fine, just being …’ He searched for a way to say it without swearing. ‘A pest.’

She raised an eyebrow, like she knew what word he wanted to use. He pulled her into a reassuring hug. ‘He’s fine, mama. Try not to worry.’

She held onto him tightly. ‘He makes it so hard not to worry.’

‘I know, mama, I know.’

She pulled away and cupped his cheek. ‘You’re such a good boy, Teddy. You go and have a quick wash and get into bed. I’ll bring you some tea and toast. You must be starving.’

‘Yeah and shattered. You couldn’t stretch to a chocolate bar as well, could you?’

‘I’ll bring you a mars bar and a banana. Best fuel there is.’

He laughed. She never changed. ‘Thanks, mama.’

He made his way up to bed, so overcome by exhaustion, both physical and emotional that he was not even sure he’d ­manage to stay awake until his mum brought him his breakfast. But after over five years as a nurse, he was used to cold tea.

Sun had never liked being an emotional person, though she knew she was. Her teacher had been the one to teach her to channel her emotions into her fighting. That had helped. But becoming Sensate had required a lot of adjustment and still, even after all these years, she sometimes found it difficult. They were all so emotional.

One thing she had never particularly expected to experience was the heightened emotional state of pregnancy but right then, Kala was a ball of emotion.

Sun had been innocently minding her own business, running through her personnel budget and trying to work out whether she could employ a second manager, when she was suddenly sitting beside a sobbing Kala on her sofa.

‘What is the matter?’ she asked.

‘The dogs. They made it all the way home. I thought Shadow was going to die but they made it,’ sobbed Kala.

Sun glanced at the television, which showed a kid and a golden retriever hugging joyfully. ‘Where are Rajan and Wolfgang?’ she asked.

‘Out running,’ said Kala, tears running down her cheeks.

‘This may not have been the choice of movie to watch on your own right now.’

‘I know!’ sobbed Kala.

Sun put her arm around her and Kala sank into her embrace, still sobbing. Sun held her, feeling somewhat uncomfortable and not knowing quite how to comfort her.

‘Peter just loves his dog so much,’ whimpered Kala.

‘Dogs are good companions,’ said Sun.

Kala glanced at her, wiping her face with the tissue clutched in her hand. ‘Peter is a sweet, kind, loving boy.’ She laid her hand on her belly. ‘Do you think my child will be?’

‘Of course,’ said Sun. ‘Loving families make loving children.’

Kala leaned against her, seeming to take comfort in her presence. ‘Peter is a good name. Or Petra if it’s a girl, after Oma.’

‘Wolfgang would like that,’ said Sun.

Kala nodded, resting her head against Sun’s shoulder. ‘He would. Oma would.’ A sob escaped her mouth and she mopped at her face with the tissue again. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to keep crying. It’s all the hormones.’ She pulled a face. ‘Oh, I hope it’s not affecting Lito badly.’

‘No. He’s emotional enough as it is,’ said Sun.

Suddenly, Lito was there. They heard him before they saw him; he was sobbing louder than Kala. ‘I heard that,’ he wept. ‘I cannot help it! It’s just so sad!’

Sun rolled her eyes. ‘Kala has an excuse. You don’t.’

Lito huffed, then came to Kala’s side. He wrapped his arm around her as well and the two of them cried together. Sun found herself smiling a little and she slid her arm around both their shoulders. She supposed they couldn’t really help being so emotional. They had not had the training she had had. And, if she was honest with herself, it was a relief to her not to have to hold herself in so tightly when she was with them.


	29. Chapter 29

‘I must say, Doctor Ricken, I don’t know how you do it. Ménard has never responded to any other psychiatrist the way he responds to you,’ said Joubert, his usual guard.

Alois smiled. ‘You just have to know how to handle them. But, of course, you are a great help to me. While you’re guarding the examination room, I know I’m safe.’

‘An absolute pleasure, Doctor.’

Alois nodded, smiling faintly. _Of course it was_.

The reached the end of the corridor and Joubert, rattling his keys in the way he always did, let him through. Alois gave him another smile.

‘Until next time, my good man.’

Joubert puffed out his chest and Alois smirked inside his head. Men like Joubert were easy to read, easy to handle. You just flattered them a little.

He made his way out of the prison and started the drive home. With amount of traffic, it would be quicker by _le Métro_ but he hated the proximity of the great unwashed public. He wondered if Lisette would be waiting for him. He glanced at his phone clicked into the hands-free mount and smiled. It was 5:30pm. He had told her he would be home around 4:30pm and that she should wait for him if he was a little late.

 _How long would she wait?_ he wondered. Maybe he should take the scenic route? No, better not push her too far just yet. This was all part of the game, to see how far he could push.

He reached his house and smiled. Lisette was sitting on his doorstep, her arms wrapped around herself to keep herself warm. She’d asked him for a housekey many times but where was the fun in that?

She stood as he pulled up, watching him as he parked. He glanced searchingly at her as he collected his things. Her eyes were wide and she was biting her lip. He did enjoy that anxious expression.

He got out and crossed to her, schooling his face into an expression of concern. ‘Oh, ma chérie! I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting so long. I did say not to wait if I was late.’

Her brow creased. ‘Oh, I thought you said to wait.’

‘You must have misheard me, ma chérie. Never mind.’ He took out his key and opened his front door. Lisette followed him in, her footsteps on the tiled hall like the delicate steps of a little bird. He glanced sideways at her. He enjoyed how slim and small she was, even shorter and skinnier than he was. It gave him another advantage to press over her.

‘Would you like me to cook something? Or maybe we could go out? You did say you would take me to _Le Jules Verne_ restaurant. I have been simply dying to visit the Eiffel Tower ever since I came up to Paris.’

Alois scoffed. ‘Lisette, do you even think before you speak? I have had a long day and the last thing I want to do is traipse across the city to some overrated restaurant. Order something in.’

Lisette bit her lip, looking appropriately abashed. ‘Of course, I’m sorry, mon coeur.’

He sat down in his large living room on his immaculate sofa and listened as she ordered his favourite takeaway. He smiled. He had life perfectly under control. Just the way he liked it. 

Wolfgang woke with a sudden jerk, like he’d been having a bad dream. He felt jumpy and on edge. He glanced beside him, where Kala was sleeping curling on her side, her head resting against Rajan’s bare chest. Rajan’s arm was across them both and resting on his belly. Wolfgang turned into them and Rajan automatically curled his hand around his hip.

Wolfgang took slow, calming breaths, grounding himself in their presence like he had learned to. He was all right. He was safe. He sat up and checked his phone. Still quite early. He smiled. It was the day of the scan today. A scary and exciting day for them all. They needed to start a day like that with a good breakfast. He kissed them both on their cheeks, then slipped out of bed, pulled on some boxer briefs and went to make them breakfast.

He had planned to make it breakfast in bed but he was halfway through scrambling the eggs when Rajan came downstairs and into the kitchen, stretching and yawning.

‘Good morning, my love. You’re up early.’

Wolfgang focused on stirring the eggs to stop them sticking. ‘Thought I’d make you breakfast in bed.’

Rajan leaned against the counter and looked searchingly at him. ‘What’s wrong?’

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘Why do you think there’s something wrong?’

Rajan smiled softly. ‘Because you’re up earlier than both me and Kala, and that muscle in your jaw is twitching. Four years, my love. I think I know you well enough to tell now, don’t I?’

Wolfgang let out the breath of a laugh. ‘Guess so.’

Rajan’s gentle hand landed on the small of his back and rubbed gently. ‘So, what is it?’

‘It’s nothing particular. I just felt a bit funny when I woke up, like I’d had a bad dream but I don’t remember having one.’

‘Are you worried about the scan?’

‘Probably about the same amount as you are. I don’t think it’s that though. I dunno. Maybe it’s Will.’

‘Will? What about Will?’

Wolfgang bit his lip, remembering Will hadn’t told anyone but him and Sun. ‘I wasn’t supposed to say.’ He sighed, taking the eggs off the heat and turning to look at his love. Rajan reached out to him, tugging him into a lose embrace, his hands resting on his hips, looking into his face.

‘Tell me,’ he said, gently.

‘Will’s been having these dreams and I think something’s happening with him. He keeps brushing it off though, like it’s just some weird phenomenon.’

‘But you don’t think it is.’

Wolfgang scoffed. ‘Well, when did anything weird happening to us not mean anything?’

Rajan’s lips quirked in a small smile. ‘True.’ He stroked Wolfgang’s hip gently. ‘If you’re worried about him, talk to him. I’m sure you can help him open up.’

‘All Will ever wants to do is protect us. Sometimes he takes that too far.’

Rajan cupped his cheek. ‘In some ways, you and he really are so similar.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Yeah, you’re right.’ He pulled back. ‘Will you chop some fruit? I think there are some of those oranges Kala likes.’

Rajan nodded, crossing to the fridge and starting work. Wolfgang knew he was also still keeping an eye on him.

The scan was late morning. They’d enjoyed their leisurely breakfast in bed together and, afterwards, an exchange of kisses had turned into a gentle lovemaking session. They’d shared a shower afterwards and Rajan had massaged the shampoo into Kala’s hair as Wolfgang had washed her back, laying soft kisses along her neck and shoulder. Making her feel good always made him feel better.

After an anxious drive and a nerve-wracking wait in the waiting room, they were now finally in the technician’s room having the scan. Kala lay very still on the bed, holding both their hands, while the technician slowly ran the wand over her taut belly.

The technician smiled at them. ‘Everything looks healthy,’ she said, gently.

There was an audible sigh as they all let out a relieved breath.

‘Really?’ asked Kala. ‘Everything’s fine?’

‘Everything looks perfect. No anomalies and baby is measuring just right.’ She smiled round at them. ‘Would you like to know the sex?’

Kala looked at Wolfgang and Rajan. ‘We said we would. Are we all still agreed?’

Rajan nodded. ‘I’m excited to find out!’

‘We might as well. Then we can stop just saying ‘the baby’ all the time.’ He grinned. ‘Maybe start to argue about names.’

‘Well, there are lots to choose from,’ said the technician. She smiled. ‘Because you’re having a little girl.’

They all looked again and the wriggling black and white image on the screen. Wolfgang couldn’t believe it. That small, slightly alien-looking thing was their daughter. He smiled. He was going to love her so much. He was going to protect her, no matter what. She was Kala’s, she was Rajan’s, she was his. Their daughter.


	30. Chapter 30

The winter had properly sat in. Elin was out for her daily walk during the few hours of dim daylight they got on the outskirts of Reykjavik. The snow was thick underfoot but there were plenty of people about. Icelanders were used to the snow. Snatches of conversation made their way across the still, cold air. Elin didn’t pay much attention to the other people about. She was in her own world.

It was a week before Christmas, so all the lights were out, brightening the landscape a little. Elin both loved and hated Christmas. Loved it because it was all about family and together, and all the music and the food. But for her family, it was the time when they missed Erik’s absence most acutely.

For Elin, the permanent ache in her chest of missing her brother became so sharp around Christmas that she could barely breathe. It was the same on their birthday. She wondered if she would be home from her research trip for their birthday, or would her parents have to face it with neither of them.

Elin stopped on the hill and looked over Reykjavik. In the dim afternoon light, the Christmas lights glittered merrily. They always lifted her spirits. Erik had loved the lights as well. There weren’t many people around here. Most preferred the flattest paths when the snow fell. But Erik always used to bring her up her and the view always made her smile.

‘Come on, Riles, let me buy you _something_ for Christmas.’

Elin’s attention was drawn by an American accent. She turned and saw a couple a little way down from her. The man had spoken. He was tall and pale with blue eyes and an easy smile. The woman holding his hand was shorter and the little bit of her hair visible under her woolly hat was bleached blonde. Her eyes twinkled and she smiled brilliantly as she pulled her partner to a stop.

‘Really, I don’t need anything,’ she said, in Icelandic. ‘Why don’t you take me out for dinner instead?’

 _Odd_ , Elin thought, to talk to an American in Icelandic. So few understood it. She didn’t know why she was watching them, just that she felt a pull in her chest. It was like when you ran into a friend somewhere you didn’t expect them to be.

The man smiled. ‘If that’s what you want, sweetheart, that’s what I’ll do,’ he said, in perfect Icelandic. That was even more intriguing.

Suddenly, the man’s eyes shifted away from his partner and looked straight at Elin. For a second their gazes met and that pull in her chest was like a lurch, jerking her towards him. She resisted it, pulling away and turning, because the man was looking at her like he knew her and she didn’t like it.

She walked home as quick as she good. The man didn’t follow her.

‘Will, what is it?’ Riley asked, tugging gently at Will’s arm.

He tore his gaze away from the woman hurrying down the hill. ‘It’s … I think I know her.’

Riley looked. ‘She’s not familiar to me.’

‘I could’ve sworn I’ve seen her face before.’

‘Maybe just around town,’ said Riley, calmly.

Will nodded, but he couldn’t explain the strong pull he felt towards the woman, like she was someone he cared about. He found her hand and held it securely. ‘We should get home, before it gets dark.’

They started to walk back, slowly and leisurely. Will enjoyed these walks with her. They went out as often as they could, for the fresh air and the small amount of light they could get. It was a time just for them, not that Gunnar crowded them at all. Actually, he was very good at letting them have their time together. But it was nice to have a completely private conversation that wasn’t in their bedroom.

He could feel Riley thinking as they walked. He smiled. He knew she wanted to talk to him, that she had for a little while.

‘Will, those dreams, you’re still having them, aren’t you?’

He looked down at the snow-covered path they were following. ‘Not so much now, more like vague impressions when I do have them. They’re not all upsetting, or even particularly significant. Some of them feel like just ordinary life. I just don’t know why I’m dreaming about them.’

‘I suppose it’ll become clear at some point.’

‘Yeah.’ He glanced back in the direction the woman had hurried off in but there was no sign of her. ‘I think … I think I’ve seen her in my dreams.’

Riley frowned thoughtfully but didn’t say anything. He fell silent too, just wondering.

Kala sighed happily as she looked around the nursery. They’d worked hard over the past few weeks, setting up everything they needed. Rajan and Wolfgang had done most of it, getting Felix to help sometimes as well. Both Kala and Oma had tried to help but Wolfgang had refused to let them, beyond directing the changes. The nursery was the nearest room to them. They’d moved the bed into one of the other large bedrooms. It was a tight fit but they knew none of their guests would mind the proximity.

They’d painted the nursery a pale lavender, because Rajan said that was a calming colour. They’d bought a cot bed and had already built it. After the practise setting up the one they’d left in India, it had hardly taken them any time at all. 

There was also a mostly stocked changing table, a little bookcase of baby books and a white chest of drawers half filled with baby clothes they had bought over the last couple of weeks. Wolfgang had washed and ironed them all, singing in his soft, low voice as he did so.

As Kala sighed contentedly again, she felt Wolfgang with her. He wrapped his arms around her, his hands resting tenderly on her rounded belly.

‘Happy?’ he asked in her ear.

‘Completely.’

He chuckled softly. ‘I meant with the room.’

She grinned, turning and reaching up to kiss him. ‘I love it. I love you.’

He kissed her back, his mouth soft and tender on hers. She felt him breathe her in and they stood together for a moment, wrapped in each other and swaying gently.

‘Where’s Rajan?’ she asked, after a moment.

‘In the lounge with me,’ he said. ‘Oh, he says do you want to go out or stay in for dinner?’

‘Let’s stay in. I’m tired today.’ She smiled. ‘It must be all that watching you work.’

He laughed. ‘I’ll tell him. I’m gonna suggest a takeaway. Don’t tell him but he looks exhausted.’

Kala made her way downstairs and joined them. Wolfgang was draped casually across the sofa, his feet up and his back resting against Rajan’s chest. Rajan had one arm around his chest and was playing with his hair with the other hand. Wolfgang’s eyes were closed in pleasure but he held out his hand for her to join them.

Kala sat on the sofa, between his legs and leaned back against him. He kissed her cheek and Rajan reached across Wolfgang to rub her shoulder for a moment.

She sighed contentedly as she sat with them. She glanced around the living room and smiled at the decorations. Wolfgang and Felix had done it. There was a brightly decorated Christmas tree in the corner and paper chains hung across the walls. There were a few ornaments around as well, including a snow globe with penguins in it and traditional Santa Claus that Oma had bought them. There was also a little Christmas angel made of wood. It looked like a child and wore white and played a harp. Wolfgang had bought it a couple of years ago, saying that he reminded him of one his Mama had had when he was little.

They didn’t do anything religious on Christmas, because Wolfgang wasn’t religious. Instead, he just picked which traditions he wanted to follow and they did it, celebrating as a family like they celebrated Diwali. Kala quite enjoyed the decorations and the singing but her absolute favourite part of the Christmas traditions Wolfgang had introduced her to was the food. Every year, Wolfgang made stollen and lebkuchen and they were some of the most delicious things she had ever tasted.

‘So, dare I ask?’ said Rajan, breaking the companionable silence. ‘Did we want to talk about names some more?’

Both Kala and Wolfgang let out a breath. They had talked this through a few times already, but not really got anywhere. Rajan seemed to know all sorts of names and he threw them out at them several at a time. Another thing he’d been researching, probably. But nothing had caught their imagination yet.

‘I was thinking,’ said Kala. She glanced up at Wolfgang. ‘What about Petra. After Oma.’

Wolfgang blinked and stayed silent.

Kala watched him but his face was unreadable.

‘That’s a nice idea,’ said Rajan. ‘It’s a good name, and she’s done so much for us.’ He looked at Wolfgang. ‘What do you think, Wolfie?’

Wolfgang glanced at him, then back at Kala. He took a deep, slightly shaky breath and nodded. ‘She’d be very touched. But … it’s a bit old fashioned. What about Petra for a middle name?’

Kala smiled, lacing her fingers through Wolfgang’s and holding tight. ‘Perfect. Now we just have to think of a first name.’

‘We have got a few months to think about it,’ said Rajan. ‘Ooh, I know, why don’t we all make up lists of our favourites and then compare.’

Wolfgang groaned. ‘Raj, do we really have to make it so labour intensive?’

‘If you want to research, Rajan, why don’t you write a list of names we could use?’

‘I think it should be a name that works in Hindi and German,’ said Rajan. ‘And we should decide what surname she is going to have.’

‘Yours,’ said Wolfgang immediately. ‘No one should have to be a Bogdanow.’

There was a brief silence, then Rajan tightened his arms around Wolfgang and hugged him. ‘All right. So, we want names that work in Hindi and German that go with Rasal.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘We’re looking forward to your list, Raj.’

Kala smiled. ‘And then we can argue about it.’

Wolfgang chuckled softly, still gripping her hand and reaching for Rajan’s as well. Kala sighed softly. She knew they probably would argue about it but they would agree eventually. They always did. 


	31. Chapter 31

Niki lay back in her deck chair with her foot up and gazed up at the clear blue sky above her. The sun warmed her skin, lifting her mood and making the ache of loss a little duller. She missed her teammates. She had seen them, but she couldn’t play with them right now and she missed the camaraderie.

She was keeping as fit as she could, keeping her upper body strong even though she could only hobble along on her crutches. She missed running. It was less than a week before Christmas and, normally, she would be looking forward to the traditional Christmas Eve friendly they always played against Australia’s Wallaroos. But this year, she was going to have to miss out.

‘Lazing about again?’ called a familiar voice.

She sat up straight and smiled as she recognised Kiri jogging towards her.

‘Hey, Kiri. Wish I could be running about with you and the others.’

Kiri reached her, leaned over her and kissed her softly. Niki reached for her, hands resting at her slim waist and sighing at the soft warmth of her.

When Kiri pulled back and sat down in the deck chair beside her, she was grinning. ‘Ah, well you were never as fast as me anyway.’

‘I’m built for strength, Kiri.’

Kiri smirked. ‘That’s why I’m the wing and you’re the prop.’

Niki huffed. ‘If I ever can be again.’

Kiri rubbed her arm. ‘Course you will. You just wait. You’ll be playing in next year’s Christmas eve friendly for sure.’

‘I hope you’re right. I can barely walk yet.’

‘What did the physio say?’

‘That I should be able to start taking short walks without my crutches in January.’

‘Does she think you’ll be able to run again?’

‘If I’m careful and don’t rush it.’

Kiri pulled a face. ‘That’s easier said than done with you.’

Niki smiled faintly. ‘I know. Hey, how are all the others?’

Her friend, girlfriend, whatever they were, smiled. ‘That’s what I came to see you about. We want you to come to the game, give us some pointers, come for a beer with us afterwards.’

Niki smiled. ‘I’d like that. I bet you lot are getting slack without me to keep you disciplined.’

Kiri grinned at her. ‘Well, Clara’s doing great at being the temporary captain but yeah, she’s not as strict as you. Who is?’

Niki smirked at her. ‘Nobody.’ Her smile faded and she leaned back in her chair again. ‘What if I can’t ever play again?’

Kiri reached for her, letting her hand rest on her belly. Niki could feel the warmth of her through her t-shirt. ‘Course you will, Nik.’ She leaned over and kissed her softly on the mouth. ‘Nobody can stop you doing anything.’

‘Welcome to the Delta 8797 from Los Angeles to Mexico City. Your flight time is currently 4 hours 5 minutes. We hope you have a pleasant flight with us today.’

Home. They were going home for Christmas. Lito sat back in his seat and smiled. He loved Christmas at home with his mama. Everything was bright and colourful and they all cooked such wonderful food together. He glanced at Hernando and Dani in the next seats. He knew they both thought of his mama’s house as a home from home, especially Dani. She had become very close with his mama, and they adored each other.

Lito glanced at Hernando and permitted himself a secret smile. His clever, soulful, romantic and wise lover was going to have the best Christmas he had ever had and he had no idea it was going to happen. Lito giggled.

‘Stop giggling,’ said Sun, sternly.

‘He’s gonna work it out if you’re not careful,’ said Nomi.

He dragged his gaze away from Hernando and found himself in Nomi’s loft with Sun, Nomi and Wolfie all looking at him. Nomi was beaming at him and Sun was smiling softly. Wolfgang wasn’t smiling but the affection in his clear blue eyes would have been obvious even to someone who couldn’t share his emotions.

‘So are you an actor or not?’ he said, his mouth twitching just a little.

Lito laughed. ‘It is not so easy to hide things from Hernando. I don’t have the practise.’

‘Do not think of it as hiding it from him,’ said Sun.

‘Just think of it as creating anticipation,’ said Nomi, still unable to keep the wide grin from her face. He felt from her that all she wanted was for the rest of the cluster to be as happy as she was.

‘The longer the anticipation, the better the reveal,’ said Wolfgang, a wicked grin crossing his face.

Lito smiled at him. ‘Is that true of waiting for your daughter to arrive?’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘I’ll tell you when she’s here, because we are all feeling a lot of anticipation now.’

‘It’ll be worth it,’ Lito said.

Wolfgang nodded. ‘So will yours and Hernando’s.’ He patted him on the shoulder. ‘You’ll do great,’ he said, then he was gone.

Sun looked at him, considering him carefully. Then she smiled. ‘You deserve this happiness,’ she said, and there was a surprising tenderness about her voice. Then she was gone too, leaving Lito alone with Nomi.

She smiled at him, but her gaze was searching. ‘Scared?’ she asked, softly.

He looked back at her, remembering all the times he’d ended up with her when he was scared, the comfort she had brought him, the sense she had talked into him, the challenge she had set him to force him to face who he was. If it wasn’t for her, he wouldn’t have what he had now and he could never, ever express his gratitude for that. Not even the greatest scriptwriters could give him lines that would show her the strength of his thankfulness.

Instead he hugged her, tightly. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘But a good scared.’

She hugged him back, her hands soft and gentle in a caress on his bare arms. He knew she understood. ‘It’ll be _so_ worth it,’ she said. 

When he returned to himself, he found Hernando watching him curiously. ‘Visiting?’ he asked.

Lito nodded. ‘Just saying hello.’ He took Hernando’s hand and kissed him. ‘I love you.’

Hernando frowned, pushing up his glasses with his free hand. He tilted his head on one side to study Lito for a moment, then he smiled. ‘I love you too.’

Just after Kala and Rajan had gone out to work, Wolfgang left on a late morning run. He’d said he would be in the shop for the afternoon so he had a little time. Despite the normality and happiness of his world now, he still kept his runs as part of his routine. He knew it was important. It was a way to centre himself. His therapist, Corinne, often reminded him of that. He hadn’t had a session with her for a while but he hadn’t really needed one either. He was doing well. And he always knew he could visit if he was struggling.

His runs were a good time to work through and purge any thoughts that were bothering him. But the only thing that really was now was Will. He hadn’t got him to talk yet, though he knew he was still having odd dreams. The cop wasn’t as worried about it as he had been, which was good. He just thought it was an oddity, or maybe he was trying to convince them that’s what he thought. But Will was good, almost as good as Wolfgang himself, at hiding things from them. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt his cluster.

Wolfgang was determined to help him with whatever it was. He could take anything Will could. Maybe he would go and see him later, when they were both on their own.

He had been running for nearly an hour when he realised how hungry he was. He’d looped back and wasn’t far away from home, but why go there, to his empty apartment and cook for himself, when he could just turn down that little street and go and see his Oma. It had been a few days since he’d seen her and she was bound to feed him. She always did.

He ran down her street and rang her buzzer.

‘Hello?’ came her voice, crackly through the speaker.

‘Oma, it’s me.’

‘Mäuschen! Come straight up.’

There was a click and he pulled the door open. She had her front door open waiting for him when he got out of the lift.

‘Ah, I know what you want. Bratwurst und Kartoffelpuffer.’

He grinned. ‘How do you always know, Oma?’

She laughed as she stood aside to let him in. ‘Because you always want the same thing when you pop in to see me during your Friday runs.’

‘Have I become that predictable?’

She reached up to pat his head and he couldn’t help smiling. ‘You always liked your routines when you were little. And you always liked your food.’

He sat at her table and watched her prepare the food.

‘Kala and Rajan are at work, I suppose?’

‘They are.’

‘How many days are they taking for Christmas?’

‘Most of Rajan’s staff here celebrate it so he’s given them all Christmas and New Year off. His father says he’s too generous but I think he’s perfect.’

She smiled fondly at him. ‘Of course you do. And he is, well perfect for you and Kala, Mäuschen.’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘He’s a good man. You’re coming to us for Christmas, aren’t you Oma?’

‘Yes, of course, assuming I’m invited.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Of course you’re invited, Oma. You always are.’

She beamed. ‘Good.’ She sighed happily. ‘Just think, next year I’ll have my great granddaughter to spoil, if I’m allowed to spoil her of course.’

He laughed. ‘You can spoil her as much as you like, Oma.’

‘I should hope so. It’s my job.’

He laughed again, shaking his head in amusement. It was so good to have family with so much love to give. He wanted to tell her the middle name they’d chosen but he had agreed with Rajan and Kala to keep their choices private until their daughter was actually born.

It seemed so close yet such a long time to wait all at once. But soon enough, she would be there, and then the real hard work began. He watched Oma cook and smiled. He’d be okay though, because he had at least one good role model to follow. And he had Rajan and Kala, and the rest of the cluster. They’d all be there and he would learn how to be a good parent. He had to.


	32. Chapter 32

The refugee camp was full of people. There were lots of other kids for Barak and Basir to play with so they were happy enough. They had no idea really of the realities. Anwar looked past where his twin boys were playing football with some of the other kids, to the coast in the distance. They would have to cross the water soon. He just needed to rest a little first. Keeping his boys going in the journey across Syria and into Turkey had been hard work and he felt so tired.

He was worried about the dramatic shift in temperature once they got into Serbia. His boys would need thicker coats and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get them. He smiled as Basir scored a goal and jumped around, screaming with happiness. He had to keep his boys happy, as much as he could. The boat trip across to Greece worried him. He’d heard so many stories of overloaded boats breaking apart. The Turkish authorities rescued who they could but not everyone made it. That was the bit that made him want to turn back, until he thought about the bombs and the threat of death that came every single day they were in Syria.

‘Baba! Did you see? I scored a goal!’ Basir yelled, running over to him.

Anwar hugged him tight. ‘I saw, Bas and what a goal it was!’

Basir beamed at him, hugging him back.

‘Come on, Bas!’ called Barak. ‘I want to play again!’

Basir pulled away and ran back off towards his brother and their friends. ‘Keep watching, Baba!’

‘I will.’

He sat watching the football for a little while longer, until his attention was drawn by a group of westerners arriving, carrying armfuls of shoeboxes and big squashy bags full of clothes. Anwar glanced at his boys, where they were still absorbed in their game. He got up and went over the westerners, along with many other people. He had heard about the westerners who came to the camps sometimes. He hated having to accept charity but he would put his pride to one side for his boys.

He heard them speaking English to the people in the queue ahead of him. He knew enough of the language to get by. He studied them. They gave shoeboxes out to those with children, and to the unaccompanied children as well. Out of the bags, they were handing out various items of clothing, as close to what was asked for as they could.

‘Hello,’ he said, as he reached one of the westerners himself.

She beamed at him. ‘My friend, have you heard Lord’s good news?’

He frowned. ‘I am a religious man, ma’am.’

‘Jesus loves you, Sir.’

‘I am a Muslim,’ he said.

Her smile became a little too wide. ‘Do you have children, Sir?’

‘Yes, two boys. They’re seven.’

She took two of the shoeboxes from her pile and handed them to him. ‘Happy Christmas to you and your boys. Do they need any clothing?’

‘Warm coats or jumpers?’

‘Certainly, Sir.’ She rummaged through her bag and found two coats and two jumpers in about the right size. She pressed them into his arms with that disconcerting smile. ‘May you find the love and protection of Jesus Christ our saviour on your journey.’

‘Thank you,’ he said, politely, feeling awkward. Had she not understood that he was a Muslim?

He moved away and went back to where he had been sitting before. The coats were waterproof and padded. That with the jumpers should keep the boys warm enough. With any luck, they could get the train most of the way through Serbia.

He looked in the shoeboxes. He was surprised to find small presents for the children inside. There were little toys, a colouring book and pencils, gummy bears, soap, toothpaste and a toothbrush, a pack of playing guards and a pair of gloves and a woolly hat in each box. Slipped down the side of each box was a leaflet. It was written in both English and Arabic and talked of the joy to be found in following Christ. He took the leaflets out before closing the boxes back up. The presents were thoughtful but he could do without the religious aspect. If Basir and Barak wanted to convert when they were older, he wouldn’t stand in their way, but he would not have them bribed into it with toys and sweets. But they would appreciate the gifts for the kind intentions behind them. They would certainly come in useful.

‘Ah, I love Christmas,’ said Kwan-Ho, putting the finishing touches to their Christmas tree. Sun, curled up on the sofa with her dog, smiled as she watched him. He had brought many homely touches to her somewhat minimalist apartment. She’d roll her eyes about him cluttering up and bringing all that colour to her clean, white space but really, she enjoyed it, and he knew it.

He turned to grin at her. ‘Well? Do you like it?’

She knew her eyes twinkled but she kept her face straight as she said. ‘It’ll do.’

He laughed; he read her perfectly. He sat down on the sofa beside her, burying his hands in the dog’s fur. ‘Are the cluster all celebrating?’

‘Mmm, even Kala, because Wolfgang does. He’s making Lebkuchen.’

‘I still find it strange, that I go so long between seeing them all, whereas you can see them anytime you want. No matter how far away you are from your family, you can still see them.’

She glanced at him, wondering how to explain it to him. ‘It is not like seeing family.’

He frowned in confusion. ‘It isn’t?’

She sighed. ‘No, it is not. They are a part of me. We are eight people with a shared soul.’

He gazed at her and smiled. She could never tire of that soppy, adoring look on his face. Not that she would ever tell him that, of course. ‘I love hearing you talk like that.’

She didn’t speak, just reached out, grasped hold of his shirt for a searing kiss. He whimpered beneath her, his hands going to her waist and tugging her closer. She smirked against his mouth. She just loved how she could create such eagerness in him and desperation. He was so open with his feelings. It made her a little more like that as well. It wasn’t that she was better with him. She was just happier.

It was the day before Christmas Eve and Wolfgang woke early, with a bubble of excitement in his belly. He sneaked out of bed and got dressed, leaving his lovers still sleeping. It was their first day off work for Christmas and they needed a lie in. He’d bring them breakfast in a little while. But before that, he had lebkuchen to make. Both Kala and Felix insisted on them at Christmas.

He measured out the right amount of honey and butter into a pan and set it over a low heat. He had just started to measure out his other ingredients when he felt someone else with him. He glanced around and wasn’t entirely surprised to see Will leaning against the counter watching him.

‘What ya making?’ he asked.

‘Lebkuchen. Kala insists it’s not Christmas without it.’

Will smiled. ‘She’s only been celebrating it for four years.’

‘And every year she’s had my lebkuchen. Wouldn’t want to disappoint her.’ He took the melted honey and butter off the heat, stirred them, and placed the pan in the fridge to cool a little. He turned to Will, searching his face. ‘What brings you here, Will?’

Will glanced at him, then away. ‘Not sure.’

Wolfgang turned the hob off, strode over to Will, took a rough hold of his arm and walked him outside onto the balcony. Will let out a surprised breath but didn’t object. Outside, in the early morning light and the cool air, they looked at each other for a moment.

‘So, why are you here?’ Wolfgang asked again.

‘Just visiting.’

Wolfgang gave him a look.

Will sat down in one of the wicker chairs and huffed. ‘How do you do that, how do you always know?’

‘What is it Sun says? Shared soul.’

‘Hmm, well it can be fucking inconvenient.’

Wolfgang sat in the chair opposite him so they could look straight at each other again. He reached out and touched Will’s cheek gently. ‘You don’t mean that.’

Will huffed again. ‘No, I don’t.’

Wolfgang sat back. ‘So what is it? Still the dreams?’

‘I had another one this morning. It’s all so vague but … I can feel all these emotions. It’s like … it’s like when we had our cluster birth, when I could feel all these emotions that weren’t mine.’

‘You think you’ve connected to another cluster?’

‘Maybe yeah.’

Wolfgang frowned, watching him. ‘But you’re not just curious, are you? You’re frightened.’

Will met his eyes for a moment, then looked down at his hands, as he twisted them together. ‘I feel like … I have to protect you all … actually not just our cluster but somebody else … from something.’

‘From what?’

Will looked back up at him. ‘I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s bad.’

Wolfgang looked at him, then he reached out and laced their fingers together. ‘Whatever it is, Will, we’ll handle it together, okay?’

Will took a deep breath, then gave him a grateful smile and nodded. Wolfgang held his gaze for a moment, then pulled back. ‘I’ve got baking to do. You can stay around if you like, give me a hand.’

Will grinned. ‘Nah, I’ve got my own kitchen to get to. Gunnar and I are gonna make pancakes for Riley to wake up to.’

Wolfgang nodded, getting up and starting to walk past Will. Next to him he paused, warmth in his chest. Will was always looking out for all of them. It was about time someone else was there for him. Will looked up and Wolfgang leaned into him. He kissed him, softly on the mouth. ‘You know where I am if you need me.’

Will found his hand and squeezed it. ‘I know.’

Wolfgang gave him a smile, then went back inside to his baking. He felt Will leave, returning to Riley. She would look after him, and he’d be back when he needed to talk again.


	33. Chapter 33

Tora had been working flat out for days, just to make sure she could take two days off at Christmas. She had worked hard, met all her deadlines and now she was just going to relax and enjoy herself. She was going to get KFC, cuddle up with Reo and watch Christmas movies.

It was the day before Christmas Eve and she was going to take Reo out on a long walk so they could mostly stay in on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and enjoy each other’s company. She was also planning on getting a lot of snacks and goodies to enjoy over those two days.

She was getting ready to go out on her walk, and Reo was running around like mad all excited, when her phone rang. She glanced at the screen and groaned.

‘Hello, Mother.’

‘Hello, Tora. Are you coming home for Christmas?’

‘I’m afraid I just have too much work to do.’

‘Oh, that is a shame. I’d have thought you’d have made seeing us a priority.’

‘Maybe at New Year?’

Her mother huffed. ‘If you manage to find time for us then.’

Tora rolled her eyes. ‘I will, Mother. I promise.’

‘Then I’ll expect you on the thirtieth.’

‘Mother…’

‘The thirtieth,’ said her mother, firmly.

Tora bit back her sigh. ‘Yes, Mother.’

‘Goodbye,’ her mother said and hung up.

Tora put her phone into her pocket and sighed. Reo trotted over to her and lay his head in her lap. She buried her hands in his soft white fur. ‘Well, buddy, she still knows how to ruin plans, doesn’t she?’

Reo huffed and Tora scratched him behind the ears in just the way he liked. ‘Never mind, we’ll have our Christmas just the way we planned.’

Kala woke to the delicious, spicy-sweet scene of gingerbread. She sighed contentedly. Wolfgang was baking Lebkuchen. She really did love that part of Christmas. She turned to Rajan and smiled.

‘Doesn’t it smell so good?’

Rajan smiled back at her. ‘It certainly does. So, while our Wolfie is happy baking, should we go out and pick his present up?’

Kala nodded. ‘It’s the best time, while he’s distracted. Do you think he’ll like it?’

‘I think he will appreciate the meaning behind the gift.’

‘I hope so.’

Rajan took her hand and kissed it. ‘I think it’s going to mean a lot to him. Come on, let’s go and find him.’

They got dressed and went downstairs to find Wolfgang in the kitchen. The lebkuchen were in the oven and Wolfgang was melting chocolate and mixing icing for the glaze.

Kala went to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and hugging him from behind. ‘It smells delicious,’ she murmured.

He reached back, slid his arm around her and kissed her temple. ‘I hope it’s as good as ever.’

Rajan joined them, wrapping his arms around them both, his hands resting at their waists. ‘Of course it will be.’ He kissed Wolfgang’s neck. ‘They’re being made by our expert baker.’

Wolfgang chuckled. ‘I do my best.’

Rajan pulled back. ‘Kala and I have to go out for a little while.’ He smiled as Wolfgang looked at him. ‘A few last minute Christmas preparations.’

Wolfgang narrowed his eyes. ‘Suspicious.’

Rajan laughed. ‘You’ll find out tomorrow.’

He glanced between them. ‘I said you didn’t need to get me anything.’

‘And we said we were ignoring that,’ said Kala. She stood up on her tiptoes to kiss him, giving him a smile. ‘It’s Christmas and you deserve a present.’

He smiled, as he always did when she kissed him. ‘Then I’ll just have to accept it.’

She grinned. ‘Yes, you will.’

He kissed her, then turned and kissed Rajan too. ‘You’d better not hang about. The shops will be fucking crazy today.’

Rajan smiled. ‘Breakfast first. Ten minutes and I’ll have it ready,’ he said, going into the fridge. Just as he did, the oven timer went off and Wolfgang took out the freshly baked lebkuchen and placed them on a wire rack to cool.

‘Perfect,’ he said. Kala smiled as she watched him. She loved the happiness she saw in him when he baked or cooked for them. She didn’t know if it was the act itself or the fact that he was doing something for them, but anything that made him happy was something she was in favour of. All the pain and sadness of his past was clear in her head and it made her so happy to see him put that behind him and enjoy life again. It had been a long time for him.

As she set the table for breakfast, she watched Wolfgang and Rajan work around each other in the kitchen and smiled. They were so in synch with each other now. She knew how much they loved and trusted each other. After they had defeated Whispers, at Nomi’s wedding, she could never have imagined that the two most important men in her life could become so close. She hadn’t spotted the signs back then that they liked each other, that they were already bonding at the wedding reception. She had been too consumed and confused by the difficult choices she thought she had to make. She could never imagined then that she didn’t need to make a choice, that she could have everything she had ever wanted. She didn’t have to chose between the two men she loved. She could have them both.

She sighed contentedly, smoothing her hand across her belly. She had more now than she had ever realised she wanted. She was building her family with the two men she loved and she still couldn’t believe it was happening. But she knew she had never been happier in her life and she knew that Wolfgang and Rajan felt the same.

Rajan and Kala went out late in the morning, leaving Wolfgang alone in the flat. Before going out, they had each tested a freshly iced and set lebkuchen and, as they did ever year, proclaimed them the best yet. Wolfgang couldn’t help but smile. They were both always so keen to show their appreciation. He loved that about them; they were both such open and loving people. It had let him be that way with them, where before love had only made him vulnerable.

Left alone, he put music on and started make the stollen. Afterwards, he was going to clean and tidy the apartment. Tomorrow, Oma and Felix were coming round and they were going to exchange presents and share a meal together. They were also going to eat lots of lebkuchen and stollen. Normally they’d drink quite a lot as well, but Kala couldn’t so they were all going to dramatically cut back. Wolfgang couldn’t help but grin as he imagined how Felix would do with that. But he’d have to get used to it. Wolfgang’s days of heavy drinking were certainly gone.

He was excited about what he’d got them for Christmas. He wondered what they would get him. He didn’t really need anything but he knew it gave them pleasure to give him something. He didn’t mind. Whatever made them happy was fine by him.

‘It’s good to see you like this,’ said Will, giving him a broad smile.

Wolfgang grinned back at him. ‘I’ve got nothing to feel bad about anymore and plenty to feel good about.’

Will’s smile became soft. ‘Being a father suits you.’

‘I haven’t actually started yet.’

‘You’re looking after Kala. That’s part of it.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘I suppose. How’s Riley?’

‘She’s okay.’

‘Did she enjoy the pancakes?’

Will grinned. ‘Yeah. I think she’s with Kala now, being protective.’

‘I know the feeling.’

Will patted his shoulder. ‘I think we all feel that way about Kala.’ He sighed. ‘I’d better go. I’m only here because I’m avoiding cleaning up the kitchen.’

‘Well I’m not doing it for you. I’ve got enough to do.’

Will laughed and then he was gone. Wolfgang grinned. He didn’t know why but the connections between him and Kala, and Will and Riley seemed to come so much more often, more automatically than with the others. He didn’t know whether it was because they were the only couples within the cluster, it had just always seemed to work like that. Sometimes, his feelings for Kala seemed to become one with her feelings for him, with Will’s feelings for Riley, with Riley’s feelings for Will. It would be confusing, if he thought too much about it. Perhaps it was best not to. It was a good thing. It worked. They shared passion and sex and love easily between each other.

But at the same time, it had more potential for pain and anguish. He didn’t like to think about that but he knew it was true. They’d been there before, when Whispers’ consciousness had infected both him and Will. The four of them had been locked into that pain together and he knew that if anything bad happened again, it would be the same.

He shook his head and focused on kneading the stollen dough. There was no point thinking about that now. Life was good and there was no reason why anything had to go wrong now. No reason at all.


	34. Chapter 34

Mari left her flat with her rucksack on her back and Eowyn’s lead held loosely in her hand. It was Christmas Eve and cold, though not snowing. She wore her black denim jacket over her hoodie and had her noise-cancelling headphones on. She was playing the travelling playlist she had made, though the journey wasn’t too long. She was going home for Christmas.

She crossed Cardiff Bay and made her way to the quiet little train station hidden behind the other buildings. Just a short ride to Cardiff Central then half an hour on the train to her mam’s cottage out in the arse end of nowhere. Mari was glad she hadn’t grown up there, as there was absolutely nothing to do except go on walks. But it was a good place to visit and Eowyn, and her mam’s dogs, loved it. Loads of places for them to run free.

On the train, Eowyn sat on her feet, her heavy warmth bringing its usual comfort. She felt safe with her around, protected. She felt like her dog understood her, like no person really did, even her Mam. Though she did try.

It was a short walk from the station to her mam’s house. Here the fields, the bushes and the skeletal trees were covered with a thin layer of frost. The house was down a narrow path, surrounded by fields, with woodland backing it. Mari understood the impulse to move to the middle of nowhere and maybe one day she’d move somewhere like this as well. One day, if her writing career after took off and she could stop following scumbags around for a living.

Once they got off the road, she let Eowyn off the lead and the collie raced down the path and barked at the front door of the cottage. Mari smiled as she heard the answering barks of Mam’s dogs before she opened the door. 

Then there was her Mam, smiling brightly.

‘Hello, Mari!’ she signed, to save having to shout.

‘Hello, Mam!’

Her windows were bright with Christmas lights and she could see the Christmas tree in the lounge. Eowyn had already shot inside to play with the other dogs. Mari reached the cottage and Mam pulled her into a tight hug.

‘I’ve missed you so much!’

‘Missed you too, Mam. Sut wyt ti?’

‘Da iawn. Come on, I’ve got hot chocolate ready for you.’

‘Perfect. I’m looking forward to this,’ she said as she walked into the cottage and shut the door behind her. ‘The whole of Christmas, just me and you.’

Mam shifted awkwardly. ‘Ah, well, about that. There’s something I’ve got to tell you.’

Mari frowned as she dumped her rucksack in the hall. ‘What, Mam?’

‘Well, we might not be entirely on our own. I’m expecting a visitor tomorrow.’

‘A visitor? On Christmas Day?’

‘Ah, well, the thing is, I’ve met someone.’

Riley woke to find herself with Kala. The other woman was asleep, her lovers cuddled in close behind her. Riley gazed at her, love and joy, fear and pain battling inside her. She wanted so much for everything to work out but she couldn’t stop herself feeling that fear that something bad was going to happen.

She was doing her best to keep those feelings to herself but she knew Will felt some of it. She thought Kala might feel some of it too. They were so in tune with each other these days that Riley would be surprised if she didn’t.

She wrapped her arms around Kala, holding her close. Kala snuggled into her, sighing contentedly. Riley could feel her slowly starting to wake up. She smoothed a stray strand of hair back from her forehead. She would do anything she could to protect her. If only she could keel Kala and her daughter safe. She closed her eyes as the image of her Lúna flashed through her mind. No, Kala’s daughter would be safe. Riley would make sure of it.

She gasped as she felt a fluttering inside her. She saw herself with the rounded belly suddenly and she felt the kick of her daughter so strongly.

She clenched, focusing on returning to her own body. She was not pregnant. She looked at Kala and that helped, pushing her back into her own body. She shook Kala’s shoulder gently as she continued to feel the fluttering.

‘Kala,’ she whispered, as those beautiful brown eyes opened.

‘Riley?’

Riley gave her a smile. ‘Kala, she’s kicking. The baby’s kicking.’

Kala’s mouth opened in a small ‘o’ of surprise. ‘Oh, that’s what that is.’

Riley grinned. ‘Yeah.’

Kala reached for Riley’s hand and placed it on her belly. ‘She’s kicking so strongly.’

Riley smiled broadly as she felt the delicate little kicks against Kala’s belly. Kala nudged Wolfgang beside her. He woke with a grunt but quickly realised what was happening and elbowed Rajan awake as well. The four of them lay there with their hands on Kala’s belly and just felt it.

‘She’s really in there,’ said Wolfgang.

They laughed and he gave an embarrassed grin. ‘You know what I mean.’

‘It’s as close as we can get to holding her right now,’ said Rajan.

‘We’re connected to her,’ said Kala.

Wolfgang looked at Riley and she felt his compassion and understanding. He had felt loss too. ‘You all right?’

She gave him a smile. ‘I’m fine.’

Rajan glanced at him, curious about who was visiting.

‘You and Will need to look after each other,’ Wolfgang said.

Riley blinked, taken aback. They always did, didn’t they? He was always there for her and she looked after him, when he let her. But she could feel Wolfgang’s worry strongly suddenly. He was worried about Will’s dreams. She was worried too, but she couldn’t get Will to talk about it. He was trying to protect her, as usual.

‘I’ll talk to him,’ she said. She smiled at Kala, then left the three of them to enjoy the moment.

All too soon, their daughter stopped kicking. Wolfgang lay back, his arms still around Kala. Rajan snuggled up close behind him, both their hands still lingering on Kala’s belly.

‘Was that the first time?’ Rajan asked.

‘I think I had felt it before but I didn’t know what it was. But that was stronger than before.’ She stroked her belly gently. ‘Her own little Christmas present to us.’

‘Oh, it’s Christmas Eve,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Frohe Weihnachten.’

Rajan kissed him. ‘Happy Christmas, my love.’

Wolfgang smiled. He never said, but he did love it when Rajan called him that. He got up. ‘We’d better get ready. We have a lot to do before Felix and Oma come round.’

He caught the secretive look that passed between Rajan and Kala and he held back his smile. He knew how delighted and excited they were about his present and, to him, that was more important than what gifts he might get. Their happiness was the most important thing in the world to him. 

They did have a lot to do. They had some cleaning to do, and the meal to prepare. After they had their breakfast, they got to work. Rajan had taken charge of cooking the goose, directing them to help with the side dishes.

It was less than an hour until Felix and Oma were due to arrive and everything was just where it should be. The goose was in the oven and all the side dishes were prepared ready to be cooked when it was time.

Kala and Rajan stopped work suddenly. Kala went to turn on the Christmas tree lights and Rajan turned on some Christmas music.

‘What are we doing?’ Wolfgang asked.

Kala took his hands. ‘We think we should do our presents now, just us.’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘All right.’

Kala lead him over to the sofa. Wolfgang could see that she was nervous and he was about to volunteer to go first when Rajan picked up a small box wrapped in Christmas paper from underneath the Christmas tree. He sat on Wolfgang’s other side and took his hand.

‘This is from both of us.’ He glanced at Kala. ‘We know you said you didn’t need anything but … well, we think this is important for you to have so…’

‘Rajan, stop babbling and just give it to him,’ said Kala gently.

Rajan smiled a little, took a deep breath and pressed the small box into his hand. ‘Happy Christmas, my love.’

Wolfgang glanced between them. He could feel Kala’s breathless excitement and see Rajan’s enthusiastic smile. What on earth had they got him? Carefully, he unwrapped the paper to reveal a small black box. He looked up at Rajan, who could barely contain his excitement.

‘Go on, open it.’

Wolfgang smiled a little, then opened the box. Inside was a titanium ring, black and shining. He slid it out of the velvet which held it. Inside were engraved the words ‘ _du hast unsere Herzen’_ , meaning ‘you have our hearts’.

Wolfgang blinked rapidly, startled to find his eyes wet. He looked at Rajan. ‘This is a wedding ring.’

Rajan nodded. ‘It is. You don’t … have to accept it if you don’t want to but …’

‘Despite what the law says,’ said Kala, sliding her arm around his waist. ‘We want you to know that we consider ourselves to be married to you just as much as we are to each other.’

He looked at her and he knew she felt the feelings bubbling inside him, feelings he wasn’t able to articulate.

‘What we’re saying is,’ said Rajan. ‘We’d like you to be our husband.’

Wolfgang didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t possibly put into words how he felt in that moment. It was just too overwhelming. He swallowed several times, very aware of them both watching him anxiously. He could feel them starting to doubt themselves and he couldn’t have that. He was a man of action, not words.

He slid the ring on the ring finger of his left hand and put his arms around them both. ‘You soppy fuckers,’ he said and hugged them to him.

They hugged him back, both kissing him and murmuring their love. He kissed Rajan’s mouth, then Kala’s tenderly, then grinned at them. ‘Is this where I say ‘I do’?’


	35. Chapter 35

‘Tío Rafie!’

The small, dark ball of happiness that was Rafael’s niece shot towards him the moment he opened the door. Laughing, he caught Rosie in a big hug and swung her through the air. ‘Ai, nena it is so good to see you.’

He settled her on his hip and looked into her happy face. He frowned at her. ‘Have you grown since last week?’

Rosie laughed. ‘No, Tío. What have you got me for Christmas?’

He grinned. ‘You’ll have to wait until midnight, nena. Do you think you can stay up that late?’

‘I will for presents!’

He laughed and put her down. ‘Go and find Abuelita. I need to talk to your mami.’

Obediently, and probably hoping for a cookie, she ran off. Rafael looked at his little sister, still loitering in the doorway. She looked grey and tired, but not high. That was something.

‘Elena, feliz nochebuena.’

She smiled. ‘Feliz nochebuena, Rafie.’ She bit her lip. ‘I haven’t … taken anything.’

‘I know, ‘Lena.’

‘You’re right, I need to get out of that flat.’

He went to her and brought her close into a hug. ‘There’s plenty of room for you and Rosie here. Abuelita and I will look after you.’

‘I’m not going back to rehab. I don’t need that shit. I can do it on my own.’

He patted her back, then pulled back. ‘We’ll talk about it later. Come on, we’d better intervene before Abuelita feeds Rosie all the cookies we’ve got.’

Elena smiled, looking a bit like her old self and Rafael smiled back. He watched her head off towards the kitchen and swallowed down that sadness inside. He’d heard all this before of course. Maybe it would stick this time? He could hope, but he knew it was probably in vain. He’d never understood why exactly she’d taken this path. He only knew there was some great pain she was trying to deal with. Maybe it was just their parents’ disappearance, the torture of never really knowing. He’d thought of going to Chicago himself sometimes, though it was so long ago now. What could he possibly find that the investigation hadn’t?

Elena never talked about their parents. Maybe it wasn’t even that that brought her so much pain. Maybe it was something else. Maybe he’d never be able to help her if she wouldn’t tell him.

He followed his little sister off towards the kitchen. If he couldn’t fix all his family’s problems, at least he could provide a happy Christmas for his niece. She deserved it. She deserved all the happiness he could give her.

Kala loved to see Wolfgang so happy. Oma and Felix had joined them and Wolfgang had barely stopped smiling since he’d slid that ring on his finger. He’d hugged Felix so tightly when he’d arrived that she was surprised the skinny locksmith hadn’t protested. He was probably used to it. He’d actually swung Oma around when she’d arrived. Of course, the canny woman had noticed the ring immediately.

‘Ah, you’ve decided to make an honest man of my grandson, I see,’ she said, with a twinkle in her eye.

Wolfgang grinned. ‘If anyone could, it’s these two.’

‘Woah, Wolfie, let me see,’ said Felix, grabbing his wrist and examining the ring. ‘What, no diamonds?’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes. ‘I’ve had enough of diamonds to last a lifetime. No, I like it. Plain and black. Perfect for me.’

‘I guessed he wouldn’t accept anything too flashy,’ said Rajan.

‘Dead right,’ said Wolfgang. He slid his arm around Rajan’s waist and kissed the back of his neck. ‘That goose ready yet?’

Rajan laughed. ‘I’m going to do it now. Everybody hungry?’ He reached out and patted Wolfgang’s backside. ‘Make yourself useful, my love, and go and set the table.’

‘I’m on it,’ said Wolfgang, dancing away to set the table.

Felix nudged Kala. ‘This is your doing, you know.’

Kala frowned at him. ‘What do you mean?’

‘He never used to be so _cheerful_. Look at him, dancing about, no brooding, not one little bit of moping about looking menacing. It’s sickening really.’

She grinned, seeing the way Felix’s eyes twinkled as he watched his friend. She nudged him back. ‘He wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you.’

Felix preened. ‘True. I take all credit.’ He glanced at Kala and smiled. ‘Good job I approved of you, eh, India Plan?’

She just laughed. Felix never changed. Thank Ganesha for Felix; he’d been all the family, all the love Wolfgang had had for so long.

Dinner was loud and happy. Everybody was so eager to chat to each other that it was sometimes hard to hear. And that was without the cluster dropping in, which they all did repeatedly. Any celebration instantly brought the cluster together; it was all the high emotion. Wolfgang loved it like that, though he had never thought of himself as a sociable person. But with the cluster, with his chosen family, it was different. They all loved each other and no one wanted to hurt anyone.

Although it was still Christmas Eve daytime for Nomi and Lito, and Christmas Day itself for Sun, they were all there with them, sharing the atmosphere of the meal.

Capheus, although eating his own food in his flat with Zakia, wanted to try everything and managed to get a taste of it through Kala and Wolfgang. Will and Riley were sharing a meal with Gunnar, but they slid their arms around them, her hands gentle on Kala’s belly, his hand firm on Wolfgang’s shoulder.

Sun was quiet but she couldn’t keep the smile from her face as she basked in the love from her cluster and from Kwan-Ho, unable to tell anymore which was stronger. Lito sang along to the Christmas songs, dancing and laughing as joy filled his heart. Life was perfect; he was having Christmas with everybody he loved. Nomi brought her wife close for a kiss and, through her, they all felt Amanita and the love they had for each other.

Oma lifted her glass. ‘To family,’ she said. She smiled across the table at where Wolfgang was sitting in between Kala and Wolfgang. ‘The family you choose.’

They all clinked their glasses and Wolfgang smiled. It had taken him a while but he really had built a good family around him now, both human and sensate. It didn’t matter where he had come from. It only mattered what life he was building now. It was a life full of fun and pleasure, care and love. It was a good world to bring his daughter into. He was going to make sure she didn’t have to go looking for love or for a place to feel safe. She was going to have all that, right there with them from the moment she was born. He was going to make certain of it. 

He glanced at Will, who met his eyes and grinned. But, as their gazes met, Wolfgang felt the dream that had pulsed at his mind for days now. In his mind, he saw the still, lifeless body of a small child. His stomach jerked and Will laced their fingers together. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to see that.’

‘Who is it?’ he asked.

Will shook his head helplessly. ‘I don’t know. But in the dream, I did it. I killed a threat to you all. In the dream, it was all to protect you all.’

Wolfgang just stared at him and did not know what to say. He glanced at Riley, who was staring at Will, her mouth a thin line and her face even paler than usual.

He shook his head. It was just a dream. Just a dream and that was all.

But, sometimes, dreams meant something. What did these dreams mean?


	36. Chapter 36

‘Happy Christmas!’

Teddy was woken by the exuberant yell of his little brother and the jerk in his stomach as Mickey jumped onto his bed. He opened his eyes and peered up at him. Mickey was thirteen and growing fast, but still a kid at heart.

‘Happy Christmas, Mick. Is it even dawn yet?’

‘Er, it’s six o’clock.’

Teddy groaned. ‘You would think I’d get a lie on Christmas.’

Mickey shook him. ‘Come _on_ , Teddy! We need to open our presents before Church!’

‘You only need half an hour for that with how quick you go through them.’

Mickey pulled on his arm. ‘Come on, it’s time to get up.’

Teddy let himself be pulled into a sitting position. ‘All right. Come on, you can help me make breakfast for mum and dad. Give them a bit of a treat for once.’

Mickey rolled his eyes but went to put his slippers on. ‘All right.’

Teddy laughed as he dragged himself up out of bed. That was the good thing about being the youngest. You could be a kid a little bit longer.

Their older sisters, Sarah and Ruth were coming over as they did every year, with their husbands and their children. Mickey was the oldest of the kids but only just. Sarah’s kids, Christopher, Daniel and Grace were eleven, eight and six, whereas Ruth’s lot, Gabriel and James were seven and five, with the twins Hope and Faith being just two. They would meet them at Church, then bring the whole lot back for dinner. As soon as they arrived, the little house would be filled with happy chatter and excited giggles.

Sometimes, Teddy worried it was too much for his parents, especially his dad who was nearly 65. His mum was a few years younger but she’d had bad health and struggled with her nerves. Teddy blamed Josh for that. But they were both so happy when their grandchildren were around them, despite the noise and the running around that happened, and Teddy thought that happiness could only be a good thing.

With Mickey helping, he starting to prepare French toast, apple and orange slices, and a big pot of tea. Mickey was a good lad and always eager to help. Teddy couldn’t help comparing him to Josh at his age. He had not been so eager to do anything to help, preferring to skulk in their bedroom instead.

‘Teddy, is Josh coming today?’ Mickey asked.

Teddy glanced at him. ‘Mi nuh know, Bredda.’

Mickey grinned; he loved it when he spoke Patois. But then his gaze became sad. ‘Mama’s really worried about him.’

Teddy flipped the French toast, then put down the plastic spatula and put his arm around his little brother’s shoulders. ‘Josh is struggling right now, Mick. But don’t worry, I’ll sort him out.’

Mickey’s bright smile was back and he leaned against him. Teddy gave him a hug. ‘I’m not sure if he’ll come today but I’m sure you’ll see him soon.’

‘Bowie said the last time he saw him, he looked all spacey. Like he was on something.’

‘Which one’s Bowie again?’

‘My best friend.’

‘The white kid with the mohawk?’

‘Yes. Don’t change the subject. Is Josh on drugs?’

Teddy sighed. ‘I don’t know. Honestly, I think he probably is, but listen, don’t say anything to mama. She’ll only worry. And you don’t need to worry either. All you need to focus on is working hard at school and being a kid.’

‘You’ll sort him out though?’

‘I’ll do my best, Mick. I promise.’ He patted his shoulder. ‘Now, come on, let’s get this breakfast made or we’ll have to wait until after Church for our presents.’

Mickey made a face like that was a fate worse than death and got on with chopping the fruit. 

Will held Riley’s hand as they skated across the solid lake, the cold air reddening their cheeks and brightening their eyes. At times, he was overcome with the feelings he had for her. The seemed indescribable and unfathomable. He would do anything for her, absolutely anything in the world.

Her smile lit up her whole face and he was overcome by the urge to kiss her. He pulled her close, smiling as she slid across the ice towards him. He caught her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her. He could feel her warmth against him and he held her as close as he could.

‘Hello, woman in my head,’ he murmured.

That dazzling smile spread across her face again. ‘Hello, man in my head,’ she replied.

These were words they had said to each other so many times before. They meant more than just the words. They meant all the indescribable feelings they had for each other. They meant how completely they loved each other.

His life with her was good, perfect, and he wanted nothing more than to be with her. Yet he knew there was something inescapable happening to him. The dreams. Wolfgang was right. They did mean something.

He was trying not to think about them, especially the last one, the one that kept repeating itself night after night. The one where he smothered the child. He couldn’t tell if it was a boy or a girl. Sometimes it was a baby, sometimes a little older. It was always his. He felt love for the child, and fear of the child. It posed a danger to so many more he cared about, people he loved. He had to protect them.

Whenever he woke after that dream, he felt sick with horror and disgust. Could he really do that? He had killed to protect the people he loved. But this? A child? Or maybe it wasn’t really a child. Maybe it was something else. Maybe it wasn’t even his own mind providing the images. The thought had occurred to him that it was Whispers. They all knew of the possibility that the mind, the essence of Whispers could come back again, could break through all his walls and come back to haunt him. But it didn’t feel like that.

‘Stop thinking about it,’ murmured Riley, lacing her fingers through his. She had seen his dream, despite his best efforts. So had Wolfgang. He knew they were both worried about it, about him.

‘That’s easier said than done.’

She gave him a sympathetic smile. ‘I know.’ She tugged him gently. ‘Come on, let’s go home. Papa will be expecting us for dinner.’

He grinned. ‘I can’t wait.’

Last night, the three of them had shared a simple meal the night before, with Will and Riley also joining the party in Paris with the rest of the cluster. They had also exchanged presents and Gunnar had played Christmas Carols on the piano. They had sung and a few of the cluster had joined them.

This afternoon, Gunnar had prepared roast lamb and the three of them were going to eat and drink. It was going to be a relaxed day and Will was looking forward to it. But at the same time, he knew he had to keep his mind on the celebration and not start thinking about the dreams again. He didn’t know what they were but he knew that giving them headspace really wasn’t helping. He wasn’t as good at not thinking about things as Wolfgang was, or Riley. He was more like Kala; they both tended to overthink. But he had to try. He had to live his life.


	37. Chapter 37

Dani had been of great help to Lito in arranging the surprise for Hernando. She had hidden the present in her suitcase and kept him distracted while Lito set up what he needed to do on the balcony. But now it was time. Lito emerged from the balcony and gave her a nod, where she and his mama were keeping Hernando absorbed in conversation.

She turned Hernando and whispered to him. ‘Lito wants you.’

Hernando looked across the living room at him, his brow furrowing curiously. ‘What is it?’

Lito held out his hand. ‘Come here.’

Hernando crossed the room towards him and took his hand. At the same moment that they joined hands, Dani started the music.

There's a calm surrender  
To the rush of day  
When the heat of a rolling wave  
Can be turned away  
An enchanted moment  
And it sees me through  
It's enough for this restless warrior  
Just to be with you

A smile spread across Hernando’s face as he saw the balcony. Lito had covered it in candles. The small flames glittered in the darkness as Lito stood in front of his love, the soft music surrounding them.

‘What’s this?’ Hernando asked.

Lito smiled. ‘We have one hour left of Christmas and I have one more present for you.’

‘What is it?’

‘I wanted to tell you how much I love you but I am afraid it is impossible to describe, in any language.’

‘I know you love me,’ said Hernando, softly.

‘I would do anything for you, Hernando. I love everything about you. I love your cooking, your passion, your intelligence. I love the wise things you say. You always know what to say. I love how you wrinkle your nose and touch your glasses when you concentrate. I love it when you overanalyse everything, even when it drives me mad. I love how you can find something worthy in even the worst films I have ever done. I love how caring you are, how kind. I love how you would give up even the most important things to you, just to help somebody else. I love how much room there is in your heart. I love how understanding you.’

Hernando was blushing now and Lito couldn’t help but smile at how adorable it was.

And can you feel the love tonight?  
It is where we are  
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer  
That we've got this far  
And can you feel the love tonight? (Tonight)  
How it's laid to rest?  
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds  
Believe the very best

‘You’re more important to me than anything else in this world and I know I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you.’

Hernando’s eyes widened as Lito dropped to one knee.

‘Which is why,’ he said, taking the ring box out of his pocket and opening it. ‘I am asking you to accept this Christmas gift, and marry me.’

There's a time for everyone  
If they only learn  
That the twisting kaleidoscope  
Moves us all in turn  
There's a rhyme and reason  
To the wild outdoors  
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager  
Beats in time with yours

There were tears in Hernando’s eyes but they didn’t fall. He reached out and stroked Lito’s cheek tenderly. ‘I love you too, Lito. Of course I’ll marry you.’

Lito grinned and slid the silver ring, with a strip of simple diamonds on it, onto his love’s finger. Hernando tugged him up and they swayed together, surrounded by the music and the glittering light of the candles. Lito’s cluster joined them, their joy and happiness reflecting his own.

And can you feel the love tonight? (Tonight)  
It is where we are  
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer  
That we've got this far  
And can you feel the love tonight? (Tonight)  
How it's laid to rest?  
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds  
Believe the very best  
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds  
Believe the very best

After a while, Hernando pulled back and looked at his fiancé. He kissed him tenderly on the mouth and smiled.

‘You’d like me to buy you an engagement ring as well, wouldn’t you?’

Lito grinned, unabashed, ignoring the affectionate laughter of his cluster around them. ‘Of course, my love. You know I love jewellery.’ 

As she stood beside Amanita, watching the Midnight Queer choir, Nomi looked around at her family. There was the cluster, of course, but also Amanita’s parents. Grace, who had given Nomi more motherly love than her own mother ever had, smiled at her and linked their arms together. Nomi felt warmth spread through her body. She was loved and she had a true home, with her wife and her family.

Everyone joined in with the last song, as they did every year. It was a tradition now, the same song every year and she loved it.

Well I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?  
Well it goes like this  
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah

She glanced round at each member of her cluster. Capheus’s smile filled his happy face and his eyes were bright. Sun had happy tears in her eyes and Nomi could feel her quiet joy. Lito couldn’t keep the wonder from his face. Kala leaned against Wolfgang, her hands cradling her belly. He held her gently, but his gaze was ahead, focused but his eyes full of love. Riley sang along, her brilliant smile in full force. Tears were in Will’s eyes as he gazed ahead. Then he frowned.

Nomi turned her gaze upwards and saw Angelica. She felt a smile spread across her face. Their mother gazed down at them with love and joy. But there was a certain sadness there as well. Nomi felt it in her heart, a painful shot. She looked around her cluster again. Did they feel it too?

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya  
She tied you to her kitchen chair  
And she broke your throne and she cut your hair  
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah

They were all still gazing at her and she could feel their love. It vibrated through them all and Nomi took a deep breath in as the force of the feeling overwhelmed her. Tears rolled down Will’s cheek.

Will felt Angelica’s warmth wash over him, over them all. He felt her love. It vibrated through the whole cluster and they were one. Eight individuals with one shared soul. He could feel Angelica’s love and joy, her pride for them all move through them all as one.

But he also felt sadness. She reached out and he found himself standing with her, apart from the others. She cupped his cheek, gazing at him. She gave him one of her soft smiles.

‘You have so much joy to come,’ she murmured.

He gazed back at her, desperate for comfort from her, his mother. He could feel how much she loved him, how much she would always love him. He wished she was still with them, that they had more than just her echo.

Her thumb caressed his cheek, catching his tears on her skin. ‘But so much pain too. I wish I could protect you from it.’

He didn’t know what to say. She looked at the rest of the cluster and he could feel her love for them, her desperate need to protect them from harm. She looked back at him. ‘You need to look after them. Protect them all.’

He looked at his cluster. He would always protect them. With a firm hand, he brought his gaze back to her. She laid her hand on his heart.

‘Protect them _all_ , Will. No one else will.’


	38. Chapter 38

Wolfgang stood on the balcony and breathed in the fresh, cool air of the early April morning. He gazed out over the city. Spring had definitely arrived. Although the air of the morning was still cool but the sky was clear and the sun was out. It was going to be a pleasantly warm Saturday.

It had felt like a long winter. They had stayed in most of the time, spending evenings curled up on the sofa watching movies. At weekends they arranged things for the baby or argued about names, or made love. But lately Kala had started to get tired and fed up. Her belly was quite big now and her back hurt a lot. Wolfgang was needed for his massages almost every night. He didn’t mind. Anything to help Kala feel better.

He looked down at his ring, sliding his fingers over it as had become his habit. He smiled. It made him happy just to look at it.

‘Look,’ said Lito, beside him. ‘We finally chose my ring.’

Wolfgang looked at him and smiled as Lito showed him the silver ring with the single diamond in the centre. It was very Lito. ‘Suits you.’

Lito hugged him enthusiastically. ‘Thank you, my friend. The press went so crazy.’

‘I bet.’

‘Better than if we were still in Mexico.’ He grinned. ‘LA loves me.’

‘Of course,’ said Wolfgang. He frowned, looking back out at the city. ‘Have you seen Will lately?’

Lito sighed. ‘No. He’s still staying away.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘From us too. Riley’s here a lot. She says he’s all right, that he just wants to keep to himself for a little while.’

Lito nodded and patted Wolfgang on his back. ‘We will keep an eye on him, like he would on us.’

Wolfgang nodded. He knew why Will was keeping his distance; the dreams were still bothering him and he hated the idea of the rest of them having to see them. He would have to try again to visit him and get him to talk.

‘Rajan, really, you act like I’m an invalid.’

Wolfgang’s attention was drawn away from worrying about Will by Kala’s indignant voice coming through the open balcony door. He turned and saw his lovers, his spouses, through the light curtain which moved gently in the light breeze.

‘Kala, please, my love, consider this. You have to finish work at some time. You cannot continue to work right up until you give birth.’

Wolfgang stepped through to the living room. His spouses were facing each other. Kala’s eyes were bright with anger and he could feel her frustration as she railed against her husband. Rajan was pleading, his face creased with worry.

Kala turned to Wolfgang. ‘Back me up here, Wolfgang. Tell him I’m not a bloody invalid.’

Wolfgang raised an eyebrow; Kala really must be angry to swear. He looked at Rajan, who met his eyes pleadingly. Wolfgang took a breath.

‘Raj, she’s not an invalid. We have to trust her to decide when she’s ready to finish work.’

‘See?’ said Kala.

Wolfgang turned to her. ‘Kala, Raj is just worried about you, because he loves you. So give him a break and reassure him that you’re not going to push yourself.’

Kala bit her lip, abashed. She turned her gaze to Rajan. ‘Can we agree on two weeks time?’

Rajan sighed. ‘All right. Two weeks. But if your back pain starts getting worse or anything …’

‘Then I’ll stop work immediately and start my confinement to the apartment immediately,’ said Kala, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

‘All right,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Let’s stop there before we get further into arguments.’

Rajan brightened. ‘How about we talk about names then?’

Wolfgang groaned, crossing the living room to go to the kitchen area to get himself a drink. ‘I thought we were trying _not_ to have an argument.’

‘Ah, well,’ said Rajan, sounding very pleased with himself. ‘I’ve finished my list.’

Wolfgang exchanged fond glances with Kala. Only Rajan could get that excited about lists and Wolfgang didn’t have it in him to turn him down. He poured himself a glass of orange juice and returned to his spouses.

The three of them sat on the sofa, Wolfgang in the middle, and Rajan brought out his list. Wolfgang stared. It was six pages long, printed out double sided and laminated. Het let out a soft chuckle, slid his hand around the back of Rajan’s neck and kissed him.

‘Raj … never change.’

Rajan smiled, his cheeks darkening in an adorable blush. ‘I’ve made a list of all the names I think are nice that work in Hindi and German that won’t sound odd in a French accent.’

Kala gave him an affectionate smile. ‘You’ve done a brilliant job.’

Rajan’s pleased smile widened. ‘Thank you. I just hope you two like some of them or we’ll have to start from scratch.’ He placed the laminated list on Wolfgang’s lap. ‘Have a look.’

Kala leaned across. ‘Oh, I like that one.’

Wolfgang looked and felt a warmth inside. ‘So do I.’ He looked at her. ‘That … that’s perfect.’

Kala beamed at him. ‘It really is.’

Rajan leaned over to look and a smile spread across his face. ‘I like it too.’ He looked at them, startled. ‘Are you really telling me that after all these months of arguing, I write and _laminate_ this list and you two agree on the very first name on it?’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘When you’re right, you’re right, Raj.’ He kissed him again. ‘We knew you’d find the perfect name.’

‘That’s it then,’ said Kala, stroking her large, firm belly. ‘Our daughter has a name.’ Both Rajan and Wolfgang reached for her bump too, caressing it gently. They all smiled as they felt the firm answering kicks from their daughter.

That evening, after eating the wonderful dinner Rajan had cooked, they cuddled up on the sofa and put a move on. Kala settled with her head on Rajan’s chest and her legs curled up on Wolfgang’s lap. He started to rub her feet, knowing how sore and tired they got lately.

He found he wasn’t really concentrating on the movie. Instead, he was thinking about Will. He was worried about him and he wasn’t quite sure what to do. If it was him, he knew Will would be on the next flight over. But Wolfgang couldn’t do that. He had Kala to think about. She was due in just three weeks.

He was determined to do something though. He hated to think of Will keeping himself apart from them all. It wasn’t that he hadn’t visited at all. He had, just infrequently. Ever since Christmas. Wolfgang knew he had seen Angelica then. They all had, but he didn’t know what she had said to Will.

He blinked as he found himself sitting on Will’s bed, in Gunnar’s house in Reykjavik. He looked round. Will was lying under the white sheets, his eyes open, staring at the pillow in front of him. He was alone and he hadn’t noticed Wolfgang’s presence.

‘Hi,’ he said.

Will looked up and frowned. ‘What are you doing here?’ His voice was hoarse and Wolfgang noticed he hadn’t shaved in a while. He was reminded of the time he’d had to live in hiding from Whispers. He was in hiding now, but from all of them.

‘Worrying about you.’

Will propped himself up on his elbow. ‘I’m fine.’

Wolfgang smirked. ‘Huh. We doing a bit of role reversal here?’

Will rolled his eyes. ‘No, because I actually mean it.’

‘You expect me to believe that? Look at the state of you, Will. You’ve barely visited any of us since Christmas. Riley says you won’t go out.’

‘I’m just tired,’ he said, lying back down again.

Wolfgang lay down beside him, looking into his blue eyes. He did look exhausted. ‘Aren’t you sleeping?’

‘Not if I can avoid it.’

Wolfgang sighed, shifting onto his back. ‘I know a little something about trying to avoid bad dreams. Trust me, avoiding sleep doesn’t work. You can’t keep it up for long and when you do sleep, the dreams will be worse. Is it still the same one?’

Will shrugged. ‘Variations on a theme.’

The silence hung for a moment, then Will shifted closer to him and laid his head on his shoulder. He turned into him, burying his face in the warmth of him. ‘I just want it to stop,’ he murmured. ‘I’m scared for you all. It’s like there’s an enemy that I can’t even see, let alone fight.’

Wolfgang put his arm around him and held him to him. He dropped a kiss into his hair. ‘Will, when have any of us ever let you fight alone?’

Will didn’t say anything, just snuffled into his shoulder.

Wolfgang held him tight. ‘You’re not alone, Will, and you never will be.’


	39. Chapter 39

‘I think you two should go out,’ Kala said, as the movie came to an end.

Rajan and Wolfgang glanced at each other then at her.

‘What do you mean?’ asked Rajan.

‘I mean I’m due soon and when she comes we’re not going to have much time to let loose for a while. So you two should go out clubbing and blow off some steam while you’ve got the chance.’

‘What about you?’

She smiled, stretching. ‘I am going to have a long soak in the bath.’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘As nice as it sounds, I don’t think we should leave you alone, Liebling.’

She smiled, reaching up to stroke his cheek. ‘I like your protective side, but you don’t need to worry. Riley will stay with me and your favourite club is ten minutes’ walk away and you can come back immediately if you need to.’

Wolfgang looked at Rajan. ‘What do you think?’

Rajan studied Kala’s face for a moment, then looked at Wolfgang and smiled. ‘It would be nice to blow off some steam, have some time together before it’s all hands to the pumps.’

‘When the baby’s here, I’ll expect to be waited on hand and foot while I’m stuck on the sofa feeding her,’ said Kala.

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Of course. We both want to anticipate your every need, which is why I don’t really want to leave you.’

Rajan reached for his hand. ‘Come on, Wolfie. She’s not an invalid, remember.’

‘True.’

‘And when was anyone ever able to talk her out of anything?’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang chuckled and Kala smiled demurely. ‘I’m glad you’re both starting to learn.’

They both laughed and hugged her.

‘Do you want us to run your bath for you?’ asked Rajan.

‘No, I can manage. You two go.’

Wolfgang and Rajan exchanged a look and grinned.

They left Kala running her bath and talking to Riley. Hand in hand, they strolled down the street towards their favourite club, not really chatting, just enjoying each other’s company. Kala wasn’t as into clubbing as Wolfgang so, often, it was a thing the two of them did together. They always made the effort to go on dates, sometimes Wolfgang and Rajan, sometimes Wolfgang and Kala, sometimes Kala and Rajan. And, of course, sometimes all three of them went out together. They had all learned how important it was to make time, quality time, for each other.

As they queued up outside the club, Rajan turned to Wolfgang. ‘You nervous?’ he asked.

Wolfgang took a deep breath. ‘Yeah. Not long now. I just hope I can be as good a father as I want to be.’

Rajan squeezed his hand. ‘I think wanting to be is half the battle. I mean, if you pair it down, it’s not that complicated. Once you get past the process of learning how to use the car seat, how to change diapers, the thing that makes a good parent is loving and supporting your child.’ He looked down at his feet. ‘She has to get here safely first.’

Wolfgang closed his eyes; he didn’t want to think about that. She had to get here safely, she just had to. Kala had to get through it safely. But that didn’t always happen. He felt the same worry echoing across the cluster, particularly in Riley. The pain of her memories was still strong, not just the loss of her baby but the loss of her husband. Wolfgang couldn’t even think about that. If he lost Kala… he would be lost himself. He couldn’t imagine going on without her.

But there was no reason to believe anything would happen to her. The pregnancy had been textbook so far, according to the Doctors, the midwives _and_ Rajan.

Rajan slipped an arm around him. ‘Whatever happens,’ he murmured in his ear. ‘We’ll get through it together.’

Wolfgang nodded but didn’t speak.

Once they got in the club, all his worries were forgotten. The beat got inside them. They didn’t bother getting a drink from the bar, since neither wanted to get even tipsy, just in case they had to rush home. They just wanted to dance so they headed straight onto the dancefloor.

The first few songs were fast and they danced with abandon to the beat that seemed to fill them from head to toe. They didn’t need to think, they just needed to move. They were together and they were one.

Over the years, Rajan had become more confident and surer of himself when it came to Wolfgang and one area where this definitely showed was when they went clubbing. As Rajan’s arm curled around him and pulled him close for a kiss, Wolfgang thought back to that first time he’d brought them clubbing. It felt so long ago now and Rajan could no longer be described as shy.

They kissed, slow and deep, as their hips moved together to the music. The beat pulsed through their bodies, guiding their movements. They moved as one, completely in sync with one another. Their hands and mouths explored each other as they each became lost in the dance. Wolfgang gasped against his lover as Rajan’s hands pushed up beneath his shirt, leaving trails of heat behind as he caressed him. His tongue was hot in his mouth and Wolfgang felt a moan escape his body as he pulled Rajan further into the kiss.

But Rajan’s hands were both skilful and wicked. He caressed a path up Wolfgang’s chest, over his abs and up between his pecs. Wolfgang nibbled on Rajan’s lip, allowing his pleasure to murmur through them both. He felt Rajan’s fingers gently probing for his nipples, brushing fingertips gently across them as he found them.

Wolfgang smirked, knowing exactly where this was going. Despite knowing, when Rajan’s strong fingers firmly gripped both his nipples at once, Wolfgang couldn’t hold back the gasp as _pleasurepain_ shot through him. Rajan laughed against him. Wolfgang watched the smirk on his lover’s face as he rolled his nipples between his fingers and he knew, without needing to feel it, how much Rajan was enjoying himself.

‘Feels so good,’ he murmured, letting his eyes close and his head fall back. 

Rajan leaned in close. ‘If I could, I’d suck you off right here.’

Wolfgang swallowed hard as those words went straight to his cock. _Fuck_ , Rajan was such a tease. He dragged his head up and opened his eyes, to see the spark in Rajan’s eyes. He loved that little spark in those warm brown eyes, the one that appeared whenever he gave either of them pleasure. He loved it, more than receiving it himself. He loved to reduce both Wolfgang and Kala to desperate, quivering wrecks, overcome by their pleasure. _Fuck, I’m so lucky with this man,_ he thought. _How did I get so fucking lucky with this family?_

Kala basked in the warm water. It was scented with lavender and she felt as though she could just drift off to sleep, right there, with Riley visiting to keep her safe.

Riley laughed softly. ‘That relaxing?’

Kala opened her eyes and looked at her friend, her clustermate, her sometime-lover. ‘Thank you,’ she murmured.

Riley tilted her head on one side. ‘For what? Talking your ear off while you’re trying to relax?’

Kala shook her head. ‘For being there for me. I know it must be difficult and you should know, I won’t ever forget it.’ 

Riley gazed at her and Kala could feel the complicated nature of her feelings. The love and the loss, the happy and the heartbroken; they all mixed together in one confusing swirl. How was Riley even coping with this?

Riley reached for her, trailing her hand through the warm water until she found her hand. ‘I’ll always be here for you.’

Kala smiled. ‘I know.’ A frown crossed her face as she felt a throb of pain across her pelvis. Riley squeezed her hand.

‘That was a contraction,’ she said.

Kala glanced at her. ‘Was it? Do you think it’s a real one?’

‘Felt like it. Have you had any others yet?’

She shook her head. ‘Not that I’ve noticed.’

The DJ smiled. ‘You’d notice. It might be the start but if it is, we’re a long way off. Do you want me to get Wolfgang?’

‘No, not yet. Let them enjoy their night. My waters haven’t broken or anything. Rajan says the first labour can be very slow.’

‘It can be. Not always. Just keep an eye on how you feel, all right?’

Kala nodded. ‘I will.’ She gripped her hand. ‘Don’t worry.’

In Reykjavik, Will was woken by a feeling of discomfort in his belly. He sat up, looking around for Riley. She wasn’t there, probably still in the living room with Gunnar. It wasn’t very late and she was sleeping normally, not like him. He both feared sleep and craved it. He’d taken a sleeping pill but it must have worn off.

He got up and went to the bathroom. He splashed his face with cold water and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like shit, just like he felt.

He felt strange, on edge and, yet, excited in a strange way, like something wonderful was about to happen. He felt over-aware, like he was on a stake-out, like the old days of being hunted by Whispers, when any feeling could mean someone was there, when any lurch of your heart could mean danger.

His own reflection in the mirror became Angelica’s and her blue eyes were wide with some emotion he couldn’t fathom. Excitement? Fear? Anxiety? He wasn’t certain.

She met his gaze. ‘It’s happening. It’s time. Protect them.’


	40. Chapter 40

As Kala stood up to get out of the bath, her waters broke. ‘Well, that was lucky,’ she said. ‘I think you’d better get Rajan and Wolfgang.’

Riley nodded and disappeared for a moment. When she came back, she was all business. ‘They’re coming. Rajan says they’ll call the hospital on the way, make sure the suite is ready for you.’

Kala nodded, carefully climbing out of the bath and pulling on her bathrobe.

‘Let’s get you dressed in something comfy. Is your hospital bag sorted?’

Kala nodded. ‘Rajan insisted I pack it all last month. Ahh.’ She paused and grimaced.

Suddenly, Wolfgang was at her side. ‘We’re coming. Y’all right? Can you hold on?’

Kala smiled. ‘I’m all right. Calm, down, it’s not going to be that quick.’

‘Are you sure?’ he asked, his brow creased with concern.

‘Yes, this is going to take a while. Is Rajan panicking?’

Wolfgang smiled fondly. ‘A bit. But he’s fine. You just focus on what you need to do.’

With Riley’s help, Kala got dressed in loose yoga pants and a long t-shirt. They went through to the bedroom and Kala lay down.

‘You’ll want to move when the contractors get going but you should rest when you can, and you should eat something.’

Kala nodded, holding out her hand for Riley to join her. Riley did, cuddling up close.

‘I’m a little … frightened,’ Kala confessed.

Riley squeezed her hand. ‘That’s normal. Everything will be fine.’

‘But you’re frightened too, aren’t you?’

Riley looked down at their joined hands. ‘Yes.’ She looked at her and managed to smile. ‘But like I said, that’s normal.’

‘We are all here for you,’ said Sun.

Kala looked up and smiled as she saw the whole cluster around her. Wolfgang sat beside her and held her hand. Capheus gave her a big excited grin. Nomi looked both curious and compassionate. Lito was bouncing up and down on his heels, barely able to contain his excitement. Will … Will wasn’t there.

Kala glanced at Riley. ‘Where’s Will?’

‘He’ll be here,’ said Riley.

Wolfgang disappeared at the same moment as they heard the front door open. A couple of minutes later, his actual self came through the door, closely followed by Rajan. Immediately they were both at her side, holding her hands.

‘Are you all right?’

‘Have you been counting your contractions?’

She smiled. ‘I’m absolutely fine and they’re not even close together or regular yet. Rajan, can you make me something to eat? Riley says I need to keep my strength up.’

‘Of course.’

Kala had eaten and rested for a few hours. Rajan and Wolfgang had slept too, in short bursts. Wolfgang was woken from a nap by a deep throbbing pain across his belly. He sat up and his gaze searched out Kala.

She was pacing back and forth across the bedroom, her hands at her back and her belly rounding her silhouette. She was groaning softly.

‘All right?’ he asked.

She glanced at him. ‘Yeah, they’re getting more regular. I suppose I should let Rajan time them.’

He smiled. ‘I’d better wake him up.’

‘Before you do, can you check on Will? He’s not been here at all and that’s not like him.’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘If he’d rather sulk than be here for you, then I don’t give a shit what’s up with him.’

‘Yes you do,’ said Kala gently.

Before Wolfgang could say anything in reply, Kala let out another groan and he felt the pain reflecting across his body as well.

‘Ai, this is the most horrible pain ever. We need an epidural, I cannot take this.’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes as Lito appeared, curled up on the bed, clutching his stomach. ‘If she’s all right, you don’t get to complain.’

Lito pouted at him. ‘But it hurts.’

Wolfgang turned his attention back to Kala. ‘Do you need something for the pain?’

‘Not yet, but I think we should maybe get to the hospital now.’

Wolfgang nodded, leaning over Rajan and shaking him gently awake. ‘Raj, I think we should go.’

Rajan jerked awake. ‘Is she okay?’

‘Everything’s fine, Raj, we’re just getting a bit closer.’

Rajan rubbed his eyes. ‘I’ll get the car out. Can you help her down?’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘You take the bag.’

Rajan hurried off to sort the car out, taking the hospital bag with him. Wolfgang crossed to Kala. The others were with them again, Riley holding her hand as they made their way downstairs, outside and got into the car. Wolfgang could feel her anxiety and he wanted to comfort her, but he had no energy to focus on anyone but Kala. Not even Will was getting anything from him right then. Fuck, he should be here with them, with Kala and with Riley. Where the fuck was he?

Pain pulsed through Will, so all-encompassing, he couldn’t work out where it was coming from. His whole body hurt, aching and throbbing. But his head burned with pain, so intense he couldn’t breathe.

He was alone and he knew the others were with Kala. He wanted them with him but he knew Kala needed them. He knew Riley needed to be with Kala. She was bringing life into the world.

The pain took over all his senses and he couldn’t reach out to them, couldn’t feel what was happening.

‘What’s happening?’ he gasped, not certain who he was asking. ‘What’s happening to me?’

He felt a soft hand on his brow, brushing back his hair from his damp forehead. ‘You’re giving birth,’ whispered Angelica.

The pain was at its worst in the car, where she couldn’t move around. Kala gripped Wolfgang’s hand, trying her best to remember her breathing. Riley was there, murmuring comfortingly in her ear. She knew they must all be feeling this too, this seizing pain, like the combination of severe menstrual pain and having run too fast for too long.

‘We’re nearly there,’ she heard Rajan say.

She squeezed Wolfgang’s hand hard as another contraction pulsed through her. They were getting so close now. She knew she must be hurting Wolfgang by how hard she was squeezing his hand but he didn’t complain. He just kept rubbing her back with his other hand and sending her strength.

Finally, she was being led into the birthing suite. She was offered a wheelchair but she refused; it was better when she could move.

‘We’ve got you, hen,’ said Sarah, the Scottish no-nonsense midwife. ‘Don’t you worry.’ They’d met her before and were comfortable with her. They knew she spoke French but Rajan’s English was much better than his French. 

‘We wanted a pool birth,’ said Wolfgang.

‘I remember. We’re getting that bath filled now, but lets just pop you up on this bed for a moment and do a quick exam. We don’t want to get surprised by that baby popping out before we’re expecting her.’ 

She glanced around at Wolfgang and Rajan, before she looked back at Kala. ‘Are they both staying, hen?’

Kala nodded. ‘Yes.’

‘Excellent, two strong men to help me out. Let’s just get mama up on the bed there.’

The exam wasn’t the most comfortable thing that had ever happened to Kala but the Sarah was as gentle as she could be.

‘I don’t think you’re that far off, hen. Nearly fully dilated. Do you still want the pool?’

‘Yes, and the Entonox.’

Sarah smiled. ‘Ah, yes, you’re a pharmacist, aren’t you? So you know all the proper terms,’ she said, as she helped her into the pleasantly warm bath. Kala took her yoga pants off but left on her long t-shirt for the moment.

As she slid into the warm water, the pain dimmed and she found it easier to breathe again. Although Wolfgang remained outside the bath, she could feel him with her. She could feel them all with her.

‘I want to push,’ she said, as she felt the powerful urge low down in her belly.

‘This little girl isn’t hanging about is she, hen? Let me just have a check.’

Kala closed her eyes as Sarah checked her. ‘You’re fully dilated so if you’re ready to push, you push.’

‘The books didn’t say it would happen this fast,’ said Rajan, the edge of panic in his voice.

Sarah laughed. ‘Babies don’t read the books, hen. Don’t you worry, everything’s going perfectly.’

The cluster were all standing around her, quiet and still. Not even Lito was making any noise. They were just with her. She could feel each one of them, sending her all their love and strength.

But no Will? Where was Will?

I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care  
But it's so cold and I don't know where  
I brought you daffodils in a pretty string  
But they won't flower like they did last spring

And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright  
I'm just so tired to share my nights  
I wanna cry and I wanna love  
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love  
All my tears have been used up  
On another love, another love  
All my tears have been used up  
On another love, another love  
All my tears have been used up

Will knew. He had known for a while, deep down. But it had all been so vague. Now it was clear. He screamed as the pain pierced his thoughts, taking over his whole body. He could feel Kala’s pain, and his own. He could do nothing to stop any of it.

He couldn’t be with her, he couldn’t put himself anywhere else right now. He had no energy left. But he could feel them, not just his cluster. He could feel his children. He could see them. He could feel their minds, a part of his mind.

_Alois Ricken. He is small and slight, but good-looking with ordered features, blond hair and greenish blue eyes. He looks back at Will and he isn’t frightened, only curious. There is so much curiosity in him. It burns in Will._

_Elinóra Fransdóttir_ _. He thinks of Riley as he looks at her, but Elin is smaller. She is pale and her blonde hair is just visible under a woolly hat. Her very blue eyes gaze back at Will for a moment, then she drops her gaze and he can feel a natural fear, a reticence. He can feel the icy cold that surrounds her every moment right now._

 _Nikora Parata is not shy. She stands straight and looks at him, unafraid. He can feel the pain in her ankle and he can feel her ignoring it. Inside her head are_ _Māori words, once unfamiliar to him but now he knows them all. She tucks her shoulder-length wavy brown hair behind her ear and regards him with a searching expression in her greenish brown eyes. She is not afraid. She is strong, broad and stocky. She knows exactly who she is._

_Anwar Saab. He is quiet, confident in himself. But Will feels the worry and fear that permeates every moment of his existence now. Not fear for himself, fear for those two little lives he loves so much. He rubs his neat, black beard and there is depth and intelligence in those dark eyes._

_Tora Seiko. In her, he feels certainty. She knows exactly who she is and what she wants. When he sees her, she is sitting at a drawing desk, a sheet of paper spread out in front of her. She is chewing her pencil but when she sees him, her dark eyes brighten with interest and her pencil moves like lightning over the paper. He knows immediately that she keeps her black hair short so it doesn’t get in her way when she leans over to draw._

_Mari Lloyd. Her head is noisy, with thoughts moving across it as fast as Tora’s pencil moves. The purple headphones in place over her ears do not always play music, but they are always helpful to block out those extra stimulations her brain cannot cope with. Her hazel eyes take in Will with interest and her long black hair falls forward and she leans in to study him. ‘Who are you?’ she signs._

_‘My name is Will,’ he signs back, suddenly knowing how._

_Rafael Moreno_ _looks familiar. He has a bright, happy smile and sparkling greenish brown eyes. He is in a hotel room and though his manner is light and happy, Will can feel the sadness inside him. He hides it well but he misses the steadying presence of his family. He stops and stares at Will for a moment, his olive skin going paler for a moment._

_‘Eres un fantasma?’ he asks._

_‘No, soy Will.’_

_Teddy Coleman is in an elevator. Will immediately knows it is in in a hospital. Teddy jumps when he sees him and make the sign of the cross. Will tries to look non-threatening. Teddy is tall and slim but fit, handsome with shoulder length black dreadlocks and twinkly brown eyes. Will can feel his kindness and the music in his soul. But the loneliness. He is so lonely._

Oh oh  
And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight  
But my hands been broken, one too many times  
So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude  
Words they always win, but I know I'll lose

And I'd sing a song, that'd be just ours  
But I sang 'em all to another heart  
And I wanna cry I wanna learn to love  
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love  
All my tears have been used up  
On another love, another love  
All my tears have been used up  
On another love, another love  
All my tears have been used up

Oh oh  
(Oh, need a love, now, my heart is thinking of)  
I wanna sing a song, that'd be just ours  
But I sang 'em all to another heart  
And I wanna cry, I wanna fall in love  
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love  
All my tears have been used up  
On another love, another love  
All my tears have been used up  
On another love, another love  
All my tears have been used up oh oh

As Will felt every single member of this new cluster, he knew he loved them all. He knew he would do anything for them. He knew he would die for them. He knew he would kill for them.

After all these months of waiting, it all seemed to be over in a rush. One moment, she was inside her mama, the next, she was there. Wolfgang couldn’t believe it as he watched his daughter, wrinkly and screaming, being laid on Kala’s now-bare chest. She was so small, except not smaller than she should be.

With Sarah’s help, Kala latched the baby onto her breast. Although seconds old, she seemed to know exactly what to do. A muslin cloth was laid over her, to keep her warmth in. Wolfgang couldn’t breathe. He wanted to reach out and touch his new daughter but he was frightened. This was all so new and, as he looked at her, he knew he never wanted to hurt her, not ever.

Rajan reached out and laid his hand on their daughter’s back. ‘She’s really here,’ he breathed. He looked at Wolfgang and his eyes were so bright with joy. Wolfgang reached out and laid his hand on her, overlapping with Rajan’s hand.

He gasped. He could _feel_ her, not just her physical self, but her mind. He could feel how warm she was, and the comfort she took from her mama’s closeness, and from the soft hands on her.

Kala met his eyes and smiled, and he knew that she could feel it too. He could feel the cluster with them, their love for her already as strong as his own. Riley reached out and stroked the baby’s head, tears rolling down her cheeks. He could feel love, joy, pain and grief all equally throbbing in her heart.

‘Do we have a name?’ Sarah asked.

Kala gazed down at her daughter and let out a happy sigh. ‘Anika Petra Rasal.’ 


	41. Chapter 41

After a nervous hour of their new daughter being checked over, weighed and cleaned, the three new parents were at last settled with her. Kala was lying on the bed with her against her chest. She had put on her nightgown and had the blankets over her and Anika was dressed in a clean white Babygro which was only a little too big for her. But her head was bare, because the room was warm and she had her head settled against Kala’s skin, above the neckline of her nightgown.

Wolfgang couldn’t stop gazing at her. Her skin was a little lighter than Kala’s but she had a smattering of black hair, wispy at the ends, and he thought her face looked like Kala’s. She had her mouth and the soft curve of her cheek. She hadn’t opened her eyes much yet but now, she started to blink a lot and peer around at them.

Kala adjusted her into a cradle hold so she could look around a bit. Wolfgang looked at her eyes. They were lighter than Kala’s. As he looked, he realised they were actually blue, with flecks of brown. Unusual but very pretty.

He glanced at Rajan who gave him a smile. ‘Looks like she’s yours, Wolfie.’

Wolfgang frowned at him, trying to work out his tone. Was he jealous? Upset? He didn’t seem to be, but he was also wrong. He shook his head.

‘No, Raj. She’s not mine. She’s not any of ours.’

They frowned at him. ‘What do you mean, Wolfgang?’ Kala asked.

Wolfgang smiled down at his tiny little daughter, reaching out and letting her grasp her tiny hand around his finger. ‘We’re hers.’

Kala reached out and stroked his cheek tenderly. ‘Love you,’ she murmured.

He smiled, turning his head to kiss her cheek. Rajan reached out, stroking his hand and Anika’s tiny fist. ‘Anika, this is your Vati and he’s even soppier than your Uncle Lito.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘And your Papa and your mama love it when I’m soppy.’

Anika just gazed at them, a little frown appearing on her brow, as if she was trying to learn them. Wolfgang sighed contentedly and thought he could never get tired of looking at her.

Riley retreated from the new family of four, to give them a little time to get to know each other. Now that she was safely here, the little ball of anxiety that had been choking Riley for months was easing. Her heart was full of Wolfgang and Kala’s joy.

She came back to herself in the living room. She started as she realised it was morning. Had she been sitting there all night? Where was Will? She got up and headed upstairs to their bedroom.

She expected to find Will asleep. Why else would he not have come to the birth? Or perhaps still sulking, as Wolfgang put it. Now she thought about it, she was furious with him. Why hadn’t he come? What could be more important than supporting Kala? What could be more important than welcoming the new member of their family?

She was startled to find him sitting upright on the bed, staring blankly ahead.

‘Will?’

Will blinked and focused suddenly on her. ‘Riley,’ he whispered.

‘What’s going on, Will? You weren’t with us?’

‘Something happened.’

‘Yes, something happened. Kala had her baby. Do you even care about that?’

Will’s face lit up. ‘She did? Is everyone all right?’

Riley felt a little of her anger dissipate. So he did care. ‘Everyone’s fine. She’s perfect. They’ve called her Anika.’

Will smiled. ‘That’s beautiful. I’ll go and see them in a little while.’

Riley frowned, crossing over to him and sitting beside him. ‘What’s wrong, Will? What’s going on with you?’ She looked into his face and realised there was something different about him. He looked like a man who had discovered something new and wonderful in the world. ‘What’s happened?’

He met her gaze. ‘I just gave birth too.’

Her eyes widened. ‘A new cluster? Really? What was it like?’

‘It hurt. It really hurt. I thought my head was going to explode. Worse than the migraine at our cluster birth. It’s gone now, except I can feel them having their migraine now.’

‘You can feel them all now?’

Will nodded. ‘It’s like halfway between being a member of their cluster and just being connected. Like, I can’t share with them but I know all their languages. I know things about them, things about their souls. I can _feel_ them, like I feel you but … further away.’

She smiled. ‘I can feel your emotion about them.’

‘It’s like … they’re my children. It’s hard to explain.’

‘You don’t need to explain. I can feel it.’ She reached out and clasped their hands together. ‘I think we should meet them.’

Will nodded. ‘Yes. We will. But first I need to help them understand what’s happening to them. I hope I can give them more help than we had.’

‘Perhaps they need to learn for themselves, like we did. After all, Jonas could have helped us more.’

Will shook his head. ‘Things are different now. And I won’t let them go unprepared like we did. Nomi was almost bolgered, we almost lost you, and then Wolfgang. They have to know what the world is like for them. They have to be prepared.’

Riley reached up and smoothed her hands through his hair. ‘They will be. We’ll all help. But for now, there’s nothing you can do. The process has started. Let them figure it out a little. You need to rest.’

‘I’m not sure I can sleep. And I should go and see Kala and Wolfgang, try to explain.’

‘They’re having some time with their daughter now. It’ll do later.’ She tugged gently at him. ‘Come on, elskan. Let’s lie down and try to rest.’ She smiled, stroking his cheek. ‘And you can tell me about your children.’

It was early evening when the new family were allowed home. They spent some time double checking, then triple checking, then quadruple checking the car seat, and at the other end, they carried her in so slowly and carefully. Finally, they were home. She was still quite sleepy after the long process of being born but she needed to feed, so Kala sat on the sofa and fed her, while Wolfgang and Rajan fussed over bringing their wife food and water.

‘All the books say we’re supposed to sleep when she sleeps,’ said Rajan, stifling a yawn. ‘Not that I’m really tired.’

Kala smiled. ‘We’re all tired.’

‘You’re exhausted,’ said Wolfgang.

Kala gazed down at Anika, feeding noisily all snuggled against her chest. ‘We need to get used to that now she’s here.’ She glanced at Wolfgang. ‘Is the bedside crib all set up?’

He nodded. ‘I just need to attach it to the bed. I’ll go and do that. You bring her through when you’re ready.’

It took him only a few moments to secure the crib in place and he took a moment to make sure the sheet was firmly tucked in.

Then Kala was bringing her through, already mostly asleep. Kala lay her in the crib and tucked the light blanket in under her arms. Kala looked shattered, though he knew she wouldn’t admit it. So was Rajan, and Wolfgang knew he was as well.

‘Bed for everyone, while we can.’

They undressed and got into bed, though it was still light outside. Kala lay beside the crib, her gaze fixed on her daughter. She stroked her tiny hand.

Wolfgang lay beside her, his hand resting on her waist. Behind him, he felt the familiar warmth of Rajan settling behind him. ‘She’ll have us up in a few hours, if we’re lucky.’

‘I still can’t believe she’s really here,’ murmured Kala.

‘It’s a bit surreal, isn’t it?’ said Rajan.

‘She’s perfect,’ whispered Wolfgang. ‘All this is perfect.’

Rajan kissed the back of his head. ‘I’ll remind you of that when you get your first diaper change.’

Wolfgang just grinned and settled down in between his spouses. By Kala’s deep and steady breathing, she was already asleep and he knew both he and Rajan were not going to be far behind her.


	42. Chapter 42

Alois was not used to seeing things. The vision of the man who had appeared before him the night before had both disturbed him and intrigued him. The logical conclusion was that it was some sort of hallucination, either stress induced, though he didn’t feel stressed. Or, one of his patients had managed to slip him something. That was unlikely as he was always extremely careful. He didn’t eat or drink anything while he was there and he didn’t touch them. He didn’t touch anyone. In this case, it seemed the logical conclusions were not accurate.

He closed his eyes and he could still see the man. He was tall and well-muscled, bigger than Alois. He was the sort of man of whom he would normally be wary, but he felt no threat from him. His dark blue eyes were full of emotion as he looked back at him. Alois studied him, trying to discern something about the man, about what he wanted.

But he had only been there a moment, then he was gone. As he sat up in bed, a pain struck in his head. It burned through his mind, a dark throbbing pain that stopped him thinking. There was nothing but the pain.

He got up and staggered to his bathroom. Blind with the pain, he found his way by memory to the medicine cabinet. He grasped the bottom shelf and counted his way along the neatly ordered pill bottles until he reached his strongest painkillers. He managed to get one out and took it, cupping water in his hand to help him swallow it.

Something was going on and, as he made his way back to his bed and pulled the covers over him again, he knew it was something to do with that man. When he found him, he would sort him out.

Wolfgang woke with a vague feeling of discomfort low down. It took him a moment to realise it was not _his_ feeling. It was like when he shared the others’ feelings, except it was more vague, less well-formed. He sat up and looked across at the crib. Anika was awake and wriggling. She was chewing on her fist. Hungry then, but probably also needed changing.

He hadn’t done this before but he’d read up on it and he’d watched while Rajan and Kala had both done one. He’d better get on with it before she got too hungry. He got up, carefully extracting himself from between his spouses so not to wake him. He would have to wake Kala afterwards, to get Anika fed but she needed as much rest as she could get for now.

He leaned over the crib and smiled at his daughter. ‘Hallo, Anika, mein Mäuslein.’

She gazed up at him, with eyes so like his, not just in the colour but the shape as well. That little frown appeared on her brow. ‘Komm schon, Anika. Let’s get you changed and all ready for your feed.’ He lifted her up and carried her through to the bathroom, where the changing table was. Everything he needed was on the shelves below it. Rajan had set everything up weeks ago.

He laid her down, murmuring softly to her in German. The whole time, her eyes remained fixed on him, studying his face as though she were committing him to memory.

‘I’m not going anywhere, mein Mäuslein. I’m always going to be here for you.’

Gently, he began to change her, a little awkward at first but he was getting used to handling her now.

‘She’s beautiful,’ said Will.

Wolfgang spared him half a glance. ‘Nice of you to finally show up,’ he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

He felt Will wince. ‘I need to explain about that.’

‘Explain to someone who cares. My daughter needs feeding,’ he said, as he did up Anika’s Babygro. Gently he picked her up and carried her through to the bedroom. He felt Will keep with him but he ignored him. He had more important things to focus on right now.

Kala was starting to sit up. ‘She’s hungry, isn’t she? I can feel it.’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘I just changed her. She’s all ready for you.’

Kala reached for her, opening the front of her nightgown. Wolfgang sat on the edge of the bed as Kala latched her on and Anika started feeding noisily.

Wolfgang grinned. ‘She’s noisier than Felix when he eats.’

Kala smiled, stroking her daughter’s head. ‘We can teach her manners when she’s a bit older.’ She glanced at Wolfgang. ‘Did you know Will is here?’

‘He’s a bit late,’ said Wolfgang, testily.

‘Better late than never,’ said Kala, gently.

‘I’m trying to explain why I wasn’t there,’ said Will. ‘But he’s being his usual stubborn self and he won’t listen.’

Kala looked at Wolfgang. ‘This is Will, Wolfgang. He’ll have a good reason if you let him explain.’

Wolfgang sighed, then shifted slightly to look at Will. ‘Go on then, I’m listening.’

Will took a deep breath. Riley appeared next to him and took his hand. Wolfgang felt Sun, Capheus, Nomi and Lito standing with him, also keen to hear Will’s explanation.

‘I wasn’t there because I couldn’t be. While Kala was giving birth, I … so did I. I birthed a new cluster.’

They all stared at him in silence for a moment.

Then Capheus let out a cry of delight. ‘Wow!’

A big grin broke out across Lito’s face. ‘Oh my goodness this is amazing.’

‘Will, you’re going to have to explain how it all works,’ said Nomi. ‘What it feels like, how it happened. Do you have their skills as well? Is it like visiting another cluster or can you share with them?’

Will laughed. ‘I’m not sure how it all works yet but I’ll try to explain what I know.’

‘Are they friends or enemies?’ asked Sun.

Will frowned. ‘Why would you ask that?’

Wolfgang stood up. ‘She’s right. All the clusters we’ve met … are they like us, like Puck’s cluster? Or like Lila’s?’’

Will’s frown deepened. ‘You always have to look on the bad side, don’t you? Why can’t you ever just trust anyone?’

‘A person has to prove they’re worthy of trust,’ said Wolfgang. 

‘The question does need asking,’ said Sun.

‘They are like my children,’ said Will. ‘Can’t you understand that?’

‘All right,’ said Kala, calmly. ‘Let’s not get into argument about it. We trust your judgement. Don’t we?’

‘I’d just rather remain cautious,’ said Wolfgang.

‘So would I,’ said Sun. She glanced at Wolfgang. ‘But we are strong together. Meeting a new cluster is always a risk but we would not have met many friends if we had just kept to us. I believe it may be a small risk to meet them but I think we should.’

Will looked around at them desperately. ‘Please. They’re … part of me. I can feel them. I’d know if we couldn’t trust them, I would.’

Wolfgang glanced at Kala, who was now winding Anika. ‘What do you think?’

Kala glanced at Will, then looked back at Wolfgang and smiled. ‘When have you ever not trusted Will?’

Wolfgang reached out for Anika, now full and winded. He cuddled her for a moment, then lay her back in her crib and watched her start to drift back to sleep. He knew these sleepy days wouldn’t last. Before they knew it, she would be staying awake longer and wanting to be entertained. Whatever she needed, he would make sure she had, including staying safe.

He turned to Will and met his anxious gaze. ‘I trust you, Will, but for the moment, I’m going to reserve judgment on your children. But, yeah, we’ll meet them.’ He sighed and sat back down, with a small smile. ‘You’d better tell us about them, then.’


	43. Chapter 43

‘Elinóra, wakey wakey.’

Elin jerked out of her daydream and peered blearily at her colleague. ‘Sorry, what we were doing?’

Steve’s lips quirked ‘Examining the samples we collected yesterday. Come on, Elin, you’ve been dopey all day. What’s up?’

‘Nothing really. Just had weird dreams last night and I’ve got a pounding headache.’

Steve sighed, pushing back his chair from his microscope. ‘Not going loopy on me, already are you? Would have thought you’d be used to all this ice and loneliness given where you come from.’

‘I am.’ She rubbed her head. ‘Just my head is killing me.’

‘Go and take a nap then. We can finish this later. There’s plenty of time.’

‘You sure you don’t mind?’

He gave her a friendly smile. ‘Course not.’

She returned his smile, then got up. She pulled on her coat, her hat, gloves and sun goggles and headed out of the pod. The air was ice and the wind whipped through her body. She was used to the cold and she was well-prepared for it but suddenly her coat seemed to do nothing.

‘Fuck, it’s freezing,’ declared a voice near her. It wasn’t one she knew yet, it did seem familiar to her.

She looked round and saw a woman, dressed in jeans and some sort of sports top, with short sleeves. No coat, no gloves, nothing. She was also leaning on a wooden walking stick. She looked fit, apart from the cane, and her arms were thick with muscle. 

‘It is the Arctic. How did you get here?’

The woman looked at her, studying her. Elin studied her back. She was a tall and stocky woman, with olive skin and brown hair, pulled back in a rough ponytail. She gave the impression of someone who didn’t bother much about how she looked. But, despite that, there was something beautiful about her. Her eyes for one thing. They were greenish brown and sparkling. She wasn’t smiling but her face looked like she smiled often.

‘I don’t know. I was in New Zealand.’ She smiled and it looked so natural and easy on her face. ‘I’m Niki. Who are you?’

Elin blinked, nonplussed. ‘Elin. But how _did_ you get …’ She started, but she never got to finish her question, because the next moment, Niki was gone. Elin frowned and pushed up her goggles to rub her eyes. Was she seeing things?

She pulled her goggles back on and hurried to her sleeping pod. Maybe she really was going crazy out here. She really needed a nap. 

Wolfgang woke to the sound of Rajan singing. He smiled. He was singing a Hindi lullaby. Wolfgang sat up in bed and watched him. He was walking Anika up and down singing to her, holding her against his bare chest. She was awake, gazing up at him, fascinated by him.

‘Is she learning your face too?’ he asked.

Rajan glanced at him and smiled. ‘Looks like it.’

‘What time is it?’

‘About 6am, I think. Kala said it was about two when you woke before with her. She’s just had another feed and a change. This taking it in turns thing is working well.’

‘Still just day one though. I’m sure she’ll have plenty of challenges for us yet.’

‘Definitely.’

Anika was beginning to drift off to the sound of their voices. Rajan placed her back in her crib, stroking her head as she fell back to sleep. He glanced at Wolfgang.

‘Kala told me about what happened with Will. The new cluster.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘We don’t know much about them yet.’

‘But you’re nervous.’

‘Cautious.’

Rajan smiled, tucking in the blanket under Anika’s arms and coming to sit next to him. ‘You’re always cautious.’ He glanced sideways at him. ‘Not being paranoid?’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean there _isn’t_ danger.’

Rajan shook his head in amusement. ‘Fair enough.’ He patted Wolfgang’s thigh. ‘Come on. Since you and I have both had a decent block of sleep, what do you say we make breakfast and let Kala sleep a bit more, before our little angel is up again.’

‘Good idea,’ said Wolfgang. He reached for his phone as Rajan pulled on a t-shirt, which turned out to be Wolfgang’s.

Wolfgang just rolled his eyes, finding another t-shirt and pulling that on. He checked through his messages. He’d called Oma when Anika had been born, to let her know but he’d had to keep the conversation short, so he could get back in and be with his family. There was a message from her from last night. He hadn’t even told Oma her name yet.

_So thrilled about my g-granddaughter. Looking forward to meeting her. You just let me know when you’re ready for me. I’ll bring food._

He laughed. Typical Oma. He appreciated her so much. ‘Oma wants to visit when we’re ready for her. She says she’ll bring food,’ he said, as they made their way downstairs to the kitchen.

Rajan laughed. ‘Ah, then it that case, she can come as soon as she likes. I love Oma’s food.’

‘I’ll text her later. She won’t be up yet. I’ll have to check with Kala it’s not too soon.’

‘Good idea, but I’m sure it won’t be. I mean, _my_ family, we can put off a little while but Oma has never done anything but support us.’

Together they started making pancakes, working as an efficient team. ‘How are you feeling, anyway?’ Rajan asked.

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, about your worries from when we found out. You’ve not really talked about it since and I just wanted to make sure you were still okay.’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘You’re sweet to worry but I’m fine. I knew from the moment I saw her that I could never hurt her, not ever.’ He glanced down. ‘I’d do anything for her, absolutely anything. Only …’

Rajan reached out and laid a hand on the small of his back. ‘What?’

‘It makes me sad, that there are kids out there, kids like me, whose parents either can’t or don’t want to protect them. Kids whose parents want to hurt them. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that.’

Rajan rubbed his back. ‘That’s what makes you a good person, my love. And a good parent.’

Wolfgang took a deep breath and passed the bowl of batter over to Rajan, the expert pancake flipper. ‘I’ll try, every day to be the best parent I can to her. That’s all I can do, I suppose.’

‘That’s all any of us can do.’

‘She’s worth the effort,’ said Wolfgang. ‘She’s worth _everything_.’

‘Nomi! Come quick!’

Nomi dropped what she was doing and ran across the loft to where Amanita was standing in the kitchen, calling for her. ‘What is it, Neets? What’s wrong?’

When she got in sight of her wife, she saw she was on the phone, a focused, yet excited expression on her face. She reached out, grabbed Nomi’s hand and brought her close.

‘Yes, of course, yeah. Let me just check.’ She covered the mouthpiece with her hand and looked at Nomi. ‘They have a match, one of the files we marked. They want us to meet them.’

‘Them?’

‘The brother and sister. Tomorrow.’

Nomi nodded frantically. ‘Say yes!’

Neets beamed, somehow managing to hold in her squeal, before turning her attention back to the phone call. ‘We’d be thrilled to. What time?’ She listened for a moment, then nodded. ‘We’ll be there.’

She hung up and immediately threw herself into Nomi’s arms. Nomi caught her, laughing.

‘Oh my gosh, I can’t believe it!’ Neets squealed. ‘Tomorrow, we’re meeting our possible children.’

Nomi squeezed her wife, crossing her fingers at her waist. ‘Please, please,’ she murmured.

She felt her cluster around her, sharing her joy, her hope and her anxiety. _Please, please, let it happen. Please._


	44. Chapter 44

‘Kiri, can you come over? Something a bit weird happened.’

‘Sure, I’ll be there in five,’ said Kiri.

Niki put the phone down and let out a relieved sigh. Kiri was always there when she needed her. Unfailingly.

But this? What was this? One moment, she’d been in her garden, enjoying the fresh air and the reasonably warm day. The next, she’d been in literally the coldest place on Earth, staring at a woman whose face she had barely been able to see beneath her cold weather gear, yet towards whom she felt a strange pull, like she already knew her. Then she’d been back home.

So, either she’d started teleporting or she was hallucinating. Could she have hit her head when she’s done her ankle and nobody had noticed? Surely not. They always checked for head injuries.

She thought back to the day before, when that man had appeared in front of her. He’d just looked at her, his blue eyes filled with emotion. He hadn’t spoken, but then neither had she. She’d just looked at him. Was he real? He’d been there one moment and gone the next. Was that an hallucination? It hadn’t felt like it. It had felt completely real.

‘Hey Niki, what’s up?’ called Kiri.

Niki looked over. Her best friend in the whole world was walking over to her, her brow a little furrowed in concern.

‘Hey,’ she replied, as Kiri reached her. They greeted each other with a kiss, then Kiri pulled back and looked searchingly at her. 

‘So, what’s going on, Nik?’

‘I’m either hallucinating or something really fucking weird is going on.’

‘Okay, do you want to sit down and explain a bit?’

‘No, let’s go for a walk.’

Kiri looked sceptically at her. ‘What about your ankle? It isn’t hurting?’

‘It’s fine. I’m supposed to exercise now, and you know I think better when I’m moving.’

Kiri picked up her stick and pushed it into her hand. ‘Bring this.’

Niki rolled her eyes but did as her friend requested and kept her walking stick. They started to walk. One of the reasons Niki had bought this house, apart from the proximity to her family and to Kiri, was the land. Beyond the patio area that surrounded the house, there was her garden, then a field and then a little wood. It was all hers but, unlike the previous owners, she kept the woods open and the local children played in there and people went walking there. The first thing she’d done when she moved in was to rip all the fences out around the woods. She firmly believed no one should be kept from any part of nature.

She walked with Kiri, avoiding leaning on her stick yet. She tried to only use it when she was tired. They didn’t speak for a while, then Kiri looked at her.

‘So, hallucinations, go.’

Niki laughed. ‘Well, I don’t know that they are hallucinations. I don’t know what they are.’ She sighed. ‘And I’ve got this headache. Maybe I got a head injury back when I did my ankle.’

Kiri looped her arm through hers. ‘They checked your head in the hospital, and anyway, you’d have had symptoms before. It’s not that. What did you see?’

‘The first one… there was a man. Just an ordinary white guy.’

‘Pretty?’

Niki rolled her eyes. ‘I suppose. It … it was his eyes I was looking at. They were dark blue and full of emotion and … love, I think.’

‘Love, eh? If I was normal, I’d be jealous.’

‘Be serious. It wasn’t that kind of love. It was more … parental? Familial anyway. It was strange.’

‘Did he say anything?’

‘No. He just looked at me. Then he went and I’ve had this wicked headache since.’

Kiri raised an eyebrow. ‘You’ve not complained.’

Niki shrugged. ‘You know me, I don’t complain about pain.’

Kiri laughed. ‘You’re right there. That’s why I’m suspicious about that ankle of yours. Shouldn’t you be leaning on your stick?’

‘I’m fine. Then, just before I called you, I was in the artic suddenly. There was this woman there looking at me … Her name was Elin.’ She looked at her friend. ‘So you think I’m going mad?’

Kiri’s eyes were bright with excitement. ‘No. I think you’re having visions! Maybe we should talk to Koro. Elders know about visions.’

‘Why do you think it’s a vision?’

‘What else could it be? It can’t be real, can it? It probably means something deep and mystical.’

‘It is real,’ said a new voice.

Niki stopped, looking ahead of her at the man who had appeared on the path in front of them. The same man as last night.

Kiri looked at her. ‘What is it, Nik?’

‘The man. He’s looking at me right now.’

Kiri looked around. ‘There’s no one there.’

‘Nope. But I can still see him.’

The man smiled. ‘I’m real, I promise. Except, I’m not here, not really. But I do exist.’

‘What’s your name then?’

‘Will Gorski. I’m from Chicago but I live in Iceland now.’

‘Iceland? So how did you get to a wood in New Zealand?’

‘Technically I’m still in Iceland. It’s kinda complicated to explain but you’re what’s called a Sensate.’ He grinned cheerfully. ‘I am too.’

‘What the fuck is a Sensate?’

‘Sensate?’ asked Kiri. ‘Is that what he’s saying?’

‘He’s saying I’m a Sensate, whatever that is.’

‘Well, get him to explain then. If he’s right there, then ask him. He must know what’s going on.’

Will smiled. ‘I like her, she’s smart.’

‘Yeah. She is. So go on, explain.’

‘You’re now connected to seven other people around the world. That’s your cluster. Eight sensates, born in the same moment. You’re all one now, a shared soul if you like.’

‘And you’re one of this cluster?’

‘No. I have my own cluster but I birthed you.’

‘Birthed us?! What the hell are you talking about? What does that _mean_?’

He smiled. ‘It means, I woke you into your connection with each other.’

‘So … that woman I saw, Elin, she’s one of my cluster?’

Will smiled broadly. ‘She is. And you’ll meet the rest of your cluster in the coming days. The connections will just happen and you’ll feel their emotions, share sensations with them or find yourself in strange places but, in time, you’ll learn to control it. You’ll learn how to use it. I’m sorry about the migraine though. That’ll last a few days.’

Niki shrugged. ‘I can deal with it.’

Will chuckled softly. ‘You’re like one of my cluster. Wolfgang. He’s tough too. You’ll get to meet all of them, I hope. Eventually. You can trust them and you can trust your own cluster but there are some dangerous clusters out there that you need to be careful of.’

Niki raised an eyebrow. ‘So even Sensates are just like the rest of humanity then.’

Will inclined his head, looking curiously at her. ‘That sounds like something Wolfgang would say as well.’

Niki just shrugged. ‘It is true. Don’t worry, I’m used to being aware of my surroundings.’

Will nodded slowly. ‘Yes.’ He glanced down. ‘Take care of that ankle. There’s no shame in using the stick if you need it.’

Niki wanted to refuse, wanted to tell him where to go. But there was something so gentle, so caring, so compassionate about Will that she simply planted the stick on the ground and let herself lean on it a little.

Will smiled, and then he was gone.

Niki looked at Kiri. ‘I think you’re right. Let’s go and speak to Koro.’

‘Sure. On the way you can fill me in on the other side of that conversation because what I heard made no fucking sense at all.’

‘The other side didn’t make much sense either.’

Oma knocked on the door at precisely the time she was expected. Kala was eating, after having fed Anika and Wolfgang was trapped by the newborn sleeping on his chest, so Rajan answered the door.

‘Rajan, congratulations, how are you coping?’

‘A lot better than some, I think, since we’re lucky enough to have three of us,’ he replied as he accepted her one-armed hug.

Her other hand was busy holding a box of food and a gift bag. She pressed the plate into Rajan’s hands. ‘Dinner for tonight,’ she said. ‘And some snacks for Kala. Breastfeeding takes up a lot of calories. Now, where is my great granddaughter.’

‘On the sofa with Wolfie.’

Oma headed straight over. She reached Kala first, who was sitting at the dining table. She gave her a gentle hug. ‘Anything I can do, you just need to ask and I’m available to babysit as soon as you would like me to.’

Kala smiled. ‘Thank you, Oma.’

Oma gave her a warm smile, then headed over to Wolfgang. She perched on the sofa beside him and looked at the baby.

‘Oh, Mäuschen, she’s beautiful. Such a delicate little thing.’

‘She gets that from Kala,’ said Wolfgang, keeping his voice low but not whispering. ‘You can have a hold if you like.’

‘I wouldn’t want to disturb her while she’s sleeping on her Vati. I’ll have a hold when she wakes up.’ She smiled at Wolfgang. ‘Fatherhood suits you.’ She cupped his cheek, then smoothed her hand through his hair. ‘I knew it would.’

He felt himself blushing a little but he didn’t argue. He couldn’t remember ever being happier.

‘So, what did you call her, Mäuschen? Or have you not managed to choose yet. There are so many names, aren’t there?’

Wolfgang glanced at Kala who grinned broadly. He looked back at Oma. ‘We have chosen, actually.’ He took a breath, stroking his daughter’s dark head. ‘Oma, this is Anika Petra Rasal.’

Tears sprang immediately to Oma’s eyes, but she didn’t let them fall. A wide smile spread across her face and he saw her swallow. Her hand slid around his forearm and held on. ‘Oh, Mäuschen. That means so much to me.’

‘It’s because you’re always there for us, Oma,’ said Wolfgang. ‘And we know you will be for Anika as well.’

‘Oh, I will. For as long as I’m here on this earth, I’ll be around for you, and you whole family.’

Supporting Anika with one arm, he slid his other around Oma’s waist and hugged her tight. ‘Love you, Oma,’ he whispered.

‘I love you too, mein Mäuschen.’


	45. Chapter 45

_The shock of the sudden plunge into the cold water forces the air out of his lungs. He can’t catch a breath but he pushes his arms through the water to grab the back of his sons’ lifejackets._

_Barak and Basir splash desperately, forgetting all their rudimentary lessons in the desperation to stay alive._

Anwar wandered vaguely through the camp, his mind full and his head pounding. It had been throbbing for days and he was beginning to wonder whether there is something wrong with him, something serious.

But he had no time to worry about that. He had other thigs to worry about. He had so much worry in his mind already.

As he walked across the tightly packed sand, he heard the shouts and laughter of the camp’s children playing together. His chest ached with sadness. This was no life for any of them. There was no life for any of them.

_Anwar glances round. The boat is gone, leaving twenty people floating in the water. Most are adults but there are children too. They are crying._

_‘Don’t splash so much,’ he says, trying to keep his voice calm. ‘The lifejacket will keep you up, just kick your legs a little, tread the water.’_

_Barak and Basir still, staring at him with eyes wide in fear. ‘Baba, I’m scared,’ says Basir. Barak nods, trying not to cry._

_‘We just have to keep strong, until the Turkish come to get us.’_

_‘But I want to go to Greece. You said we were going to Greece.’_

_‘We will but now we need to stay safe.’_

Since the day his boys were born, Anwar had wanted nothing more than to keep them safe. But he couldn’t do it. They weren’t safe, not anymore.

He had to arrange passage on another boat. He couldn’t stay here.

He’d heard some of the others talking about Germany. That’s where most of them wanted to go, because they had heard how welcoming the German people were, how they looked after refugees. He would need to learn some German though, he if he was going there.

There was a man standing in front of him. One minute, he’d been alone, the next the man was standing there. He was white, blond, and smaller than Anwar.

Their eyes met. The man looked curiously over him. ‘Wer bist du?’

Anwar shook his head, not understanding. What language was that?

‘Quel est votre nom?’

‘I speak some English. My name is Anwar,’ he said. Surely the man would understand that. Almost everybody spoke some English.

‘Alois Ricken.’ He looked around. ‘This is fascinating. I’m in Turkey, aren’t I?’

‘Where do you think you should be?’

‘Paris. I _am_ in Paris. At the same moment, I am in Paris and Turkey. It should be impossible but it feels exceptionally real to me.’

‘It does to me, so real, like you’re really standing there.’

Alois kept looking around, frowning as he studied his surroundings. ‘Do you live here?’

Anwar felt heat in his face. That was the tone visitors used, the ones who came with charity only to make themselves feel better.

‘I’m here until I can cross the water to Greece.’

Alois looked back at him. ‘Then what are you waiting for?’

Anwar had no answer to that and the next moment, Alois was gone.

_‘Help! Help, someone, please help!’_

_Anwar jerks round and sees a woman, treading water, desperately trying to keep a small child above the water. The child is very still._

_Anwar glances back at his boys. He can’t leave them. But no one else is going to help the woman. ‘We need to swim now. Keep with me.’_

_When they reach the woman, she is crying. ‘My daughter.’_

_Anwar takes hold of the little one, leaning in to listen for breathing. She’s breathing but shallowly. He holds her up, giving her his strength. It’s awkward in the water but his lifejacket keeps him up. The woman doesn’t have one, nor does the child._

_‘Baba, what’s happening?’ asks Barak._

_‘We need to help now, Barak.’ He looks at the woman. ‘Your daughter will be all right if we just keep her head above the water.’_

_‘I’m so weak.’_

_‘Hold onto my boys. Together, we’ll keep our heads above the water. We just have to wait.’_

Anwar returned to where the children were playing and sat down on a rock, watching them. A moment later, Rasha sat down beside him. She was a lot more put together than that day in the water, with her purple hijab neatly in place.

They watched the children in companionable quiet for a few minutes. His sons and her daughter, playing happily with the other children. They had to get them to Greece, they had to get them to a better life. But to do that, they had to put them in danger. It went contrary to his every instinct as a parent, as hers as well, he knew.

‘We have to do it,’ she said. ‘And soon. It’s warmer now, but if we wait too long, there’ll be a lot more people coming.’

‘Norah nearly died the last time we tried.’

Rasha looked at her daughter. ‘She can’t survive here for long. When more come in the summer, they’ll be less food.’

‘I know.’ He glanced at her, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. ‘We will stay together and we will survive. This time, you need lifejackets.’

Nomi and Amanita were shown into a large playroom in the residential children’s home where two children were playing quietly together. The two children who might become theirs.

‘I’ll stay in with you,’ said the Social worker. ‘There’s no pressure here. This is just to get to know each other a little bit and see how you get on. So just relax.’

The social worker sat on one of the benches at the side of the room. Nomi and Amanita looked at the children. They looked quite different from their pictures. In the pictures, they’d been dressed in their best outfits and had smiled brightly, automatically. They both had darker skin than the photographs had made it look, a similar shade to Amanita’s or perhaps a little lighter. They both had dark curly hair, the girl’s a dark brown, whereas the boy’s was black. In the pictures their hair had been scraped back into a neat style but now, it was wild and free and definitely looked more comfortable. They knew their background was mixed, like Amanita’s but their birth mother had been Hawaiian.

The girl, who was the older of the two at six years old, was watching them suspiciously. The boy, who was four, was absorbed in drawing a picture and didn’t even look round.

Nomi glanced at her wife. What did they do here?

‘Hi!’ Amanita said, brightly. She sat down beside the boy. ‘What are you drawing?’

‘Trees,’ he said, matter of fact.

‘I like all the different greens you’re using,’ said Amanita.

‘Trees are different greens.’

Amanita laughed softly. ‘Yes, they are.’

Nomi felt a bit shy and held back, not really sure how to do this yet. The girl was still watching her. Then, she was striding over to her, still with that suspicious look on her face.

‘They said your name is Nomi,’ she said. ‘You’re very tall.’

Nomi crouched down, so the girl didn’t have to look up. ‘I am. What’s your name?’

‘Melika. It means bee. That’s my brother, Konani. He’s shy.’

‘I can be shy sometimes, especially with new people. It can be scary to meet new people.’

The suspicious look faded a little from Melika’s face. ‘I drew a picture too. Would you like to see?’

‘Yes, please.’

Melika turned away ran over to the table. Nomi followed her, sitting in one of the small chairs at the table. Melika pressed a drawing pad into her hands.

‘I’ve drawn lots of pictures. You can look if you like.’

‘Thank you,’ said Nomi. She started to look through the drawing pad. There were lots of pictures and every one was of a different sort of house or apartment block. Some looked made up but others looked like they’d been copied from a photograph. For a six year old, Melika was a good artist.

‘What does your house look like?’ asked Melika.

‘It’s a bit like this one,’ said Nomi, pointing at a picture of a small apartment block. ‘We live in what’s called a loft apartment. Have you ever lived in one?’

Melika shook her head. ‘We’ve lived in tower blocks and a house once. We live here now.’

‘It has lots of space to run around and play in and we can put walls up wherever we like to make a new room.’

Melika looked quite impressed by that and Nomi had to smile at the older-than-her-years expression on her face.

‘I wouldn’t mind coming to see it,’ said Melika. She looked at her brother. ‘Would we, Konani?’

Konani, who was now showing Amanita how to draw his style of tree, nodded and shot Nomi a shy little smile.

‘Does it have trees?’

Nomi grinned. ‘We have lots of plants and you can see trees from the window. There’s a big park just outside as well.’

‘I like parks.’

‘He likes the swings best,’ said Melika.

‘Oh, I _love_ the swings!’ said Amanita. ‘What’s your favourite part of the park, Melika?’

Melika thought about it for a moment, her expression making clear it was a serious decision. ‘The climbing frame,’ she said.

‘There’s a big one in our park. It might take you some time to learn how to climb all the way to the top!’ said Amanita.

Melika sat up straight and proud. ‘I’m a really good climber.’

‘I bet you are!’ said Amanita.

She exchanged a bright smile with Nomi. This was going well but it was also the most terrifying thing Nomi had ever done.

_Guten Abend, gute Nacht,_ _  
mit Rosen bedacht,  
mit Näglein besteckt,  
schlupf unter die Deck:  
Morgen früh, wenn Gott will,  
wirst du wieder geweckt,  
morgen früh, wenn Gott will,  
wirst du wieder geweckt.  
  
Guten Abend gute Nacht,  
von Englein bewacht,  
die zeigen im Traum  
dir Christkindleins Baum:  
Schlaf nur selig und süß,  
schau im Traum's Paradies,  
schlaf nur selig und süß,  
schau im Traum's Paradies._.

It was still remarkable to Wolfgang how quickly Anika settled when they sang to her. She’d got him up early that morning and Kala had managed to feed her without waking up too much. But he was properly awake and she protested every time he attempted to lay her back down in her crib. She had a protest cry that definitely could not be ignored, not that he wanted to.

So now, he was in the kitchen in his sweatpants, making breakfast for his spouses, with Anika in the sling, snuggled happily against his bare chest. She gurgled happily as he sang to her and it was the most wonderful sound he had ever heard.

He came to the end of the song, so he started talking to her instead. He knew she liked the sound of his voice and the vibration through his chest as he spoke.

‘Your mama and papa are going to be very happy when they wake up to all this fruit,’ he said. ‘They like their fruit.’ He glanced down at her. ‘It’s good for you, you know. Fruit. You’ll find out when you’re older. And that’ll be here before we know it, won’t it? You’ll be eating all sorts of food.’

Anika gurgled, waving her little fist.

‘Should I speak to you in just one language, do you think?’ he asked her, suddenly aware he was slipping between English, Hindi and German with each new sentence. ‘Maybe you’ll end up learning all the ones we know. That would be useful.’

He stroked the back of her head, then had to held back a swearword as he realised his hand was sticky. He wet one of the cloth baby wipes and wiped her head clean, then his hand. ‘Can’t hand you back to your mama all sticky, can we?’ he crooned.

‘You’re a natural,’ said Nomi.

He glanced up at her. ‘I’m just trying my best, that’s all.’ He smiled. ‘You’ll be great. Just do the exact opposite to what your parents did. Easy.’

She smiled and he knew she understood. Out of all of the cluster, she understood that the best, except maybe Sun. Their parents had given them excellent examples of what not to do.

‘How did your visit with the kids go?’

‘Good, I think. I was nervous but … well Melika doesn’t really let you be nervous. She doesn’t seem frightened of anything.’

He nodded. ‘She’s used to being strong. It might be difficult for her when she doesn’t have to be.’

‘Will you help me? If we go ahead, I think she’s going to need some help. She reminded me of you.’

He smiled softly. ‘I’ll do what I can. She’ll be really lucky to get you and Neets as parents. You’ll be great.’

‘I hope so. It’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done.’

He laughed, bending his head to kiss his daughter’s brow. ‘Yeah. It is. That’s how you know you’re doing it right.’ 


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some talk about disabilities in this chapter. It's entirely based on my own experience so it may be different to your own but it's true for me.

Tora was having difficulty focusing on her latest piece of artwork. She’d finished all her work for her job and had sat down at her desk to start sketching out some new ideas for a few one-off pieces to sell. She didn’t use her professional name for those, but they always sold exceptionally well. It wasn’t for the money that she did them though, in fact she usually donated her profits. She made those unique pieces because it made her happy.

But today, she couldn’t focus even on them. Her mind raced with thoughts that she had been unable to block out. She had tried music. She had tried silence. She had tried going for a long walk. She’d even tried talking to her mother. Nothing had worked.

Reo huffed and put his head on her knee. He always knew when she was having difficulty concentrating. Sometimes, his presence helped but not today.

Tora glanced up at the sketch she had done several days ago, of the man she had seen. She had tried to be rational about it, had tried to tell herself it was her overactive imagination but she knew it wasn’t. Every sense told her the truth. She had actually seen him. It was since then she had been struggling to focus. She just couldn’t get her mind off him. Why had she seen him? Who was he?

 _There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard_ _  
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart  
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things  
Like a, shoe box of photographs  
With sepia-toned loving  
Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart  
Like why are we here? And where do we go?  
And how come it's so hard?  
It's not always easy and  
Sometimes life can be deceiving  
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together_

The song came out of nowhere, not loud, but soft in the background. She turned and saw a woman standing next to her, looking at her sketch. She had long black hair and brown eyes and wore purple headphones over her ears. She wasn’t what Tora would call exceptionally pretty but there was something fascinating about the thoughtful look on her face.

‘I think his name is Will,’ she said. At the same time, her hands moved in some sort of sign language. But she wasn’t deaf, Tora knew, because she was certain the music was coming from her headphones.

‘How do you know?’ she asked.

The woman smiled. ‘He told me.’ She looked at her. ‘I think he knows us, all of us.’

‘All of who?’

‘Can’t you feel them? I haven’t seen them yet, but they’re all there.’ She paused, then slid the headphones down from her ears, letting them rest around her neck. ‘They’re confused but excited too, like us. There’s something really cool happening.’

‘Who are you?’ asked Tora. ‘Where are you from?’

‘I’m Mari. I’m from Cardiff. That’s in Wales, in the United Kingdom if you don’t know. Different thing to England. Where is this? Somewhere in America?’

‘No. Japan. Tokyo.’

‘Oh. You speak good English.’

‘I’m not speaking English. We’re speaking Japanese.’

Mari frowned. ‘Are we? But … woah … so, somehow, we know each other’s languages.’

‘Nothing makes sense about this but I believe it. It feels too real to be a delusion.’

‘Exactly.’ She looked around the room. ‘You’re an artist? I buy a lot of art. Maybe I know some of your things.’

Tora raised an eyebrow. ‘You might have seen _The Blade in the Mist_ series on Netflix. I do most of the background work, the landscapes. And I’ve done some film work and a few books.’

Mari turned and stared. ‘You’re T. Seiko?’

Tora nodded. ‘My name is Tora but I never use that publicly.’

‘I know. You’re famous for it. I love your work. I have everything you’ve ever drawn, the DVDs, the posters and the anime books.’

Tora never knew how to respond to fan praise, which was one of the reasons she tended to avoid them in person whenever she could. She liked to keep herself to herself. Normally, attention of any sort just made her uncomfortable. But right then, she was more interested in watching Mari’s hands, which were still moving along with her speaking voice. As they did so, she realised she understood what the different movements meant. The grammar was different but she was signing the same things she was saying verbally.

‘Why do you sign like that? You can hear.’

Mari grinned. ‘It’s complicated. Most people don’t really understand.’

‘I want to know.’

Mari looked back at her for a moment, meeting her eyes for the first time. ‘Really?’

Tora nodded. She normally didn’t like it when people looked her straight in the eye but, with Mari, it didn’t feel so strange. Then Mari smiled softly and looked away again.

She sat down and, suddenly they were in a different place. It was an apartment as well, but smaller and not as open plan. They were in the living area, with a sofa and television at one end and a kitchen at the other. There two very full tall bookcases at either side of the room and there was a lot of art on the walls. Tora smiled as she recognised some pieces of her own work, including one piece she had done under a different name. So Mari really did like her work.

They were sitting on the sofa. A black and white collie dog trotted over and lay her head on Mari’s knee. Tora stroked Reo and, at the same time, it was like she was stroking Mari’s dog.

‘What’s her name?’ Tora asked.

Mari smiled. ‘Eowyn, from _The Lord of the Rings_.’

Tora laughed. ‘You really do like fantasy, don’t you?’

‘My Mam says I’m obsessed. She calls her Winnie because she “won’t say that silly name”. What’s your dog called?’

‘Reo, for the original name of the White Lion, from the old manga series.’

Mari grinned. ‘I love that series.’

‘You were going to tell me why you sign,’ said Tora, then wondered whether that was too direct. Her mother was always telling her she was too direct. Mari didn’t seem to mind.

‘It’s complicated. I’ve got Audio Processing Disorder which means it’s difficult for me to translate sounds I hear into words that make sense in my brain, so my Mam learned sign with me when I was younger to help me understand her better and I’m Autistic as well so sometimes it’s hard for me to express myself so the signing helps that. If I get worked up about something, using my voice is hard, like someone hits the mute button, which is crazy because sometimes I can talk for hours. My mam says I could talk for Wales. Should I shut up now?’

Tora realised she had just been gazing at Mari, absorbing her words and just enjoying the sound of her voice. Her face lit up as she talked and, like a magnetic force, she couldn’t turn her attention away.

‘I’m Autistic too,’ Tora said, again worrying she was being too direct and that just wasn’t something you said.

But Mari smiled. ‘Maybe that’s why we’ve connected, because we understand each other.’

‘But how is this happening? Why can we talk like this half a world away from each other?’

‘I don’t know. But I can feel it, all those connections out there, all bubbling over and meeting each other coming different ways. I can feel all these different emotions, all these different climates and different thoughts. It’s overwhelming but it’s also … it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. Can you feel it?’

‘I think I’m starting to. How do you think it happened?’

‘I think that man, Will, I think he started it. I’m not sure how but maybe it doesn’t matter. It’s like a story, how it happens doesn’t really matter. It’s more about what we feel and how we all connect with each other.’

‘I’m not usually one for getting on with other people but …’ She smiled. ‘I like connecting with you.’

Mari beamed at her. ‘I like connecting with you too.’

A song interrupted the moment they were having and Tora realised it was Mari’s phone ringing. Mari shrugged apologetically. ‘I need to get that. It’s work.’

‘I don’t know how to stop this connection,’ Tora admitted. Nor did she want to.

But then Reo barked and, as she turned to look at him, she was suddenly back in her own apartment with just her dog for company. For the first time in her life, she felt bereft at the loss of company of another person.

Wolfgang lay down beside his daughter on her play rug. Her eyes were trained on him as he put his face just less than an arm’s length away from her. A little frown appeared between her delicate eyebrows and he smiled as he was reminded of an expression he made, an expression he had seen his mama and Oma make.

‘There’s my girl,’ he murmured.

She waved her fist, still gazing at him. He reached out tracing her fist with one finger. She grasped at his finger and held it tight. He loved this, loved how tightly she held onto him.

He felt Kala come into the room and felt her yawn.

‘Good nap?’ he asked.

She sighed contentedly. ‘Just what I needed. Where’s Rajan?’

‘I’m over here,’ he said, appearing from behind the kitchen island. ‘Just making us some lunch. Speaking of, I think our little lady will need her lunch soon.’

Kala sat down on the sofa. ‘I’m ready when she is.’

But for now, Anika was enjoying her little play. She kicked her legs, seeming to enjoy the crinkly noise it made against the different fabrics of her play rug.

‘See what she thinks of a bit of tummy time,’ said Kala.

Wolfgang gently extracted his finger, picked her up and lay her on her front. Immediately, she screamed.

‘Woah, don’t think she likes that,’ said Wolfgang, immediately picking her up again. She stopped screaming and resumed her gazing at him.

‘Oh dear,’ said Kala. ‘But it’s supposed to be really good for their muscle development, so she can learn to hold her head up and to crawl.

‘I think she just wants to be able to see us. I know, I’ve got an idea.’ Carefully, he lay down on the rug, with Anika belly to belly. This time she didn’t scream. She lifted her head to look at her Vati.

Kala cooed. ‘That’s perfect. She loves that.’ She lay down beside Wolfgang and Anika looked at her too and gurgled contentedly. But she couldn’t hold her head up for long. When she put it down again, Wolfgang shifted her upwards so he could kiss her head. Kala reached out and stroked her daughters head.

‘I can’t believe we made her,’ she whispered.

He smiled, turning his head to kiss her too. ‘I can,’ he murmured. ‘Because she’s perfect, just like her mama.’

Kala smiled, stroking his cheek. ‘When we first met, I was so afraid of making the wrong choices, in all parts of my life. But, somehow, I made all the right ones, and they’re things I never thought I would want but I feel so lucky because I do have everything I want now.’

He kissed her again. ‘See? Never follow the rules.’

She laughed. ‘Just don’t teach Anika that.’

Anika wailed and shoved her fist in her mouth. He grinned. ‘I think it’s going to come naturally to her.’

Kala just rolled her eyes, lifting her daughter up and settling on the sofa to feed her. Wolfgang stayed where he was for a moment, just smiling to himself. He knew what Kala meant; that was one of the things they had in common. Neither of them had ever expected things to work out properly in their lives. They hadn’t expected to make the right choices, but here they were. How else had they got here? They must have made just the right choices.


	47. Chapter 47

When Mari ended her phone call, her thoughts were immediately back with Tora. She found herself smiling. She was aware that she’d talked to her a lot, but Tora hadn’t seemed to mind. She’d talked back to her and had listened attentively, watching her mouth and her hands.

She grinned. She had been able to _feel_ her interest, _feel_ her curiosity. She could still feel her a little. There was an intensity about her but also a softness, hidden beneath that direct exterior.

Her expressions were subtle and she didn’t give a lot away but when she smiled, or laughed, her eyes brightened and, each time, Mari had felt like her heart skipped a beat.

She went out onto her balcony and looked out over the bay. She could see the water tower and the Millennium Centre glittered in the bright spring sunshine. The air felt fresh and clear and she felt good.

She didn’t know exactly what was going on, why she was starting to sense other people, how it was that she’d been able to visit a stranger in Tokyo. But she knew it was real. She had to believe her own senses. What else did she have?

‘You’re right to trust your senses,’ said a voice beside her. It wasn’t a voice she knew, yet at the same time it felt familiar.

She turned her head and smiled as she saw Will, the man who had appeared to her. Although he was a stranger, she felt like she knew him already, like he was a member of her family or a close friend.

‘I’ve always trusted my senses,’ she said. She considered him. ‘You’re American. Where are you from?’

‘Chicago but I live in Iceland now.’

‘You can see where I am, can I see you?’

‘I’m not sure.’

‘Why don’t you know? You’re not new at this, are you?’

He considered her question. ‘It’s complicated. We’re what’s called Sensates. We’re born into a cluster of other sensates, who can share memories, feelings and actions with each other. You have a cluster. That’s why you can feel other people. They’re your cluster.’

‘Are you in my cluster?’

‘No, I made your cluster so, in a way, I’m your father.’

‘Is this a Star Wars moment?’

He laughed. ‘Kinda. But, well, you’re lucky. When my cluster was first born, we lost our mother so there were so many things we had to work out by ourselves, so much we didn’t understand. But you have me.’

‘But you don’t know if I can visit you?’

‘Like I said, I could never visit my mother because she was dead, so I dunno if you can visit me without having made eye contact. Why don’t you give it a try?’

‘What do I do? How do I make it happen?’

Will smiled. ‘Visiting isn’t something you make happen. It’s something you let happen.’

Mari thought it sounded like he was quoting somebody and she wasn’t sure it made sense but she thought about how she had felt Tora and then just been with her. She closed her eyes and reached out in her mind for Will. She felt his affection for her and his interest in her. It did feel parental in some way but also more than that. It was difficult to describe.

She felt a cool breeze across her face and she opened her eyes to find herself on a different balcony, looking out across a different landscape. It was a green, wide open space, with mountains shrouded in mist far ahead of them.

‘Where’s all the snow?’ she asked.

Will laughed. ‘It’s spring, the weather isn’t that much different to Britain, just a little cooler.’

‘It’s pretty, like something out of _The Lord of the Rings_.’ She glanced at him. ‘How come you moved here?’

‘My girlfriend, Riley. She’s from here, though she’s a DJ so we tour around a lot.’

‘Talking about me?’ came a new voice, a soft heavily accented voice. Mari turned and gazed at the beautiful woman crossing the balcony towards Will. She wore an oversized t-shirt, which could have been Will’s, and a pair of shorts. Her feet were bare and she looked calm and at ease with herself. She had compassionate brown eyes and a wide smile that lit up her whole face.

‘O fy duw, she’s beautiful!’

Will grinned. ‘Yeah, she is.’ He looked at Riley. ‘Just showing Mari where we live. She says you’re beautiful.’

Riley’s smile got a little wider but her pale cheeks also went a little pink. ‘Thank you, Mari. I hope to meet you in person soon.’

‘So, she can’t see me?’ Mari asked.

‘Nope, not until you’ve made eye contact. Then you’ll be able to visit.’

‘But, I’ve already visited someone else.’

‘That’s because Tora is in your cluster. You can visit with your cluster instinctively and you can share your abilities with them. That’s why you can speak each other’s languages. It’s difficult at first but you’ll soon get used to it. You’ll gain more control as well, over what you share and when. You’ll know what language you’re speaking more easily.’

‘It’s difficult to separate all the voices out. How many are in my cluster?’

‘There are eight of you altogether. You won’t see them all yet. There’ll be some you feel a stronger connection to. That’s normal, as far as we’ve ever been able to tell but all of you will feel more strongly about each other than you’ve ever felt about anyone in your whole lives. It’s like having seven best friends, seven lovers. It’s like you’re eight parts of the same soul now.’

‘I want to meet them all.’

‘You will, and soon. You’re taking to this naturally. You’re the only one who can already feel all the rest of your cluster. You’ll soon visit them all and then this will make a lot more sense.’

‘I’d like to meet all your cluster as well.’

Will smiled. ‘And you will. Not sure when, but the more connections we can make, the better.’

‘How many sensates are there?’

‘Nobody really knows. Lots of us have been in hiding for a long time. We know a few other clusters but we know there are lots more of us.’

‘What have you been hiding from?’

Will hesitated, glancing at Riley for support. She took his hand. ‘Tell her. She needs to know.’

He squeezed her hand, then returned his attention to Mari. ‘We’ve had enemies. For years, a Sensate called Milton Bailey Brandt, terrorised others of our kind. He destroyed many of us for his own ends. There is an organisation called BPO, which collaborated with him at the time. It is now run by a friend of ours, a good woman called River El-Saadawi, and they do good now but our cluster has been cautious of them for some years. We don’t want to risk our cluster.’

Mari nodded. ‘I can understand that.’ She felt there was much Will wasn’t telling her, or maybe didn’t know how to tell her. But, that didn’t mean she couldn’t find out on her own.

‘You can trust your cluster,’ said Will. ‘They’re the closest people to you now. You can trust us and we’ll help you anyway we can. But be careful. Only confide in those non-sensates you trust completely.’

‘That’s pretty much just my dog then,’ she said, with a wry smile.

Will nodded. ‘I understand.’ He reached out and touched her shoulder. She was astounded by how real it felt, like he really was touching her.

‘You’ve got us now,’ he said. ‘And both our clusters.’

Mari took a deep breath and suddenly she was back on her own balcony, alone. No, not alone, she realised as Eowyn nudged her calf. She reached down and stroked her.

‘I know, Eowyn. This is really weird, but let’s see what else we can find out.’

Will looked at Riley. ‘Should I have told her all that?’

‘They have to know sometime. Do you think she can handle it?’

‘If any of them can, it’s her.’ He smiled. ‘If I know her, she’s probably going to start trying to find out more straight away. She’s like Kala that way, full of questions and she’s got this drive to know more about everything.’

‘Clever then?’

He nodded. ‘They all are, in different ways.’ He smiled. ‘I think they’re going to be a strong cluster, when they all learn to connect with each other. Do you think I should be visiting more, trying to explain everything to them?’

‘There’s only so much you can explain, elskan. They need to learn how to connect for themselves. It won’t be the same as how we did, because they’re not the same people.’

‘There’s so much I can feel about them all already. It’s really amazing, Riles. I wish I could describe it better.’

She gripped his hand. ‘I can feel it, elskan. I can feel them through you.’ She frowned. ‘Though, the one from Iceland, Elin is it?’

Will nodded. ‘That’s right. I haven’t spoken to her yet. What about her?’

Riley shook her head. ‘I’m not sure. It might be because I can feel her through you but … I feel like I know her.’

‘Maybe you’ve met her. She’s from quite near here.’

‘Do you think I could connect with her if I’d made eye contact before her cluster birth?’

He shrugged. ‘Maybe. I don’t know any more about how this works than you do. I guess all we can do is wait and see.’

Riley nodded. ‘At least she won’t be in danger just by being in Iceland. Not anymore.’

Wolfgang woke with a jerk, his heart hammering in his chest. Instinct driving him, he scrambled out of bed and leaned over Anika’s crib to check her. She was asleep, breathing deep and steady. Her tiny fist rested against Kala’s outstretched hand. She was safe. They were all safe.

He bent and kissed his daughter softly on the top of her head, then quietly let himself outside. He resisted the urge to light a cigarette and just leaned against the balcony, watching his breath disappear into the night air. His heart was still going too fast.

He knew what had happened. He’d had a nightmare. He didn’t remember it and he did his best not to think about them afterwards but he knew exactly what it was about, what they were always about. His father.

He focused on his breathing and, gradually, his heart rate returned to normal. It had been a long time since he’d had a nightmare like that. It had been a long time since he’d felt that fear choking him.

He thought of his father and it sent a throbbing sickness through his body and he pressed his lips tightly together, clenching his body to try to push back the feelings.

‘Don’t push it away,’ said a calm, even voice beside him.

He glanced at Sun, to find her watching him with an expressionless look on her face. Well, to most people, it would look like expressionless, but he could see the compassion and the understanding in her face.

‘Breathe through it,’ she said. ‘Remember he is no longer real. He is just a memory.’

‘It … it seems worse now,’ he said. He glanced at her, then back out over the city. ‘The memories of what he did, it seems … more horrible. It makes my skin crawl. I keep thinking …’ He trailed off, not sure how to explain it.

‘You keep thinking what if someone hurt Anika like that,’ said Nomi, her hand trailing gently down his bare arm.

He glanced at her. ‘How did you know?’

‘Because I’m already thinking about Melika and Konani, even though they’re not mine yet. Imagining someone treating them the way my mother treated me, it seems worse somehow, than just thinking of it happening to me.’

He nodded. ‘It’s … it’s like I can’t imagine anything she could ever do which would mean she would deserve that. She deserves the best of everything.’

‘You still blame yourself,’ said Sun.

He looked down at his hands. ‘Logically, I _know_ he was a sadistic bastard. I know he liked to hurt people weaker than he was, because he enjoyed it. I know he enjoyed his anger and his violence but … I still … I think I should have been stronger, that if I’d been stronger he wouldn’t have been able to hurt me. I want … I want to help Anika be strong, so no one will ever hurt her.’

He felt both their hands on his back, both gentle and firm. ‘She doesn’t need to be anything other than who she is,’ said Nomi.

‘Because we will all protect her,’ said Sun.

He looked at them both for a moment, then gave them each a kiss on the cheek before he returned to his bed.

He checked on Anika again but she was still sleeping soundly. He climbed in between Kala and Rajan, slipping his arm around her waist and burying his face in her soft curls. Behind him, Rajan cuddled up close and slid his arm around his waist. Wolfgang closed hie eyes and settled back into sleep. He didn’t need to be anything other than who he was either, because he had them to protect him. He’d always resisted the idea of someone protecting him before but he didn’t now, because sometimes, everyone needed protecting in one way or another.


	48. Chapter 48

Rafael stood in the wings and watched his support band on stage. They had been a good choice. They were getting the crowd singing and dancing and cheering. He felt energised by them himself. Nervous energy flowed through him, hyping him up for his own performance.

He could feel his legs shaking with supressed energy and he jumped up and down on the spot to try and keep hold of himself. It was nearly time to go on.

He was always like this before a show but this one was special. Manchester. Ever since his first European tour six years ago, he’d started and finished every single tour in Manchester. It was one of his favourite places. The scene here was among the best and he knew he had many queer fans. He wanted to do his best for them.

The support band finished to rapturous applause and screaming and he watched them enjoy their accolades for a few moments before they left the stage. He watched the crew redressing the stage ready for his performance. It was nearly time.

‘Rafael!’ He heard the calls and screams start. ‘We love you Rafi!’

His heart began to race and he could feel energy coursing through his system.

‘I can’t believe I’m here. This is gonna be the best concert ever,’ said a voice beside him.

Startled, he looked and saw a man about his own age standing beside him. He was black and had shoulder length dreadlocks. He was a little taller than Rafael, and very handsome. He had an open, friendly face which Rafael felt immediately drawn to. He knew for a fact that he’d never seen him before in his life but he felt like he knew him somewhere, maybe from some other life.

The man looked at him and jumped. ‘How did I get up here?’

‘I don’t know. What’s your name?’

The man stared at him, his mouth opening and closing several times. ‘I’m … you’re … you’re Rafael Moreno!’

Rafael grinned. ‘I know I am. Who are you?’

The man swallowed, reaching desperately for his composure. ‘I’m Teddy. I’m … I’m out there, waiting for you to come out.’

Rafael laughed. ‘I’m out already, sweetheart.’

Teddy bit his lip. ‘You … you’re Rafael Moreno.’

Rafael saw his announcer heading onto the stage and he knew it was nearly time to go on. He looked at Teddy. ‘Well, Lindo, since you managed to find your way up here, see if you can find my dressing room afterwards and we’ll carry on our chat.’ He reached out and squeezed Teddy’s shoulder, delighted to find it firm and well-muscled beneath his grip. ‘Enjoy the show,’ he said, then headed out onto the stage to his own rapturous applause.

‘Hello, Manchester!’ he called into his microphone. He grinned as even louder cheers erupted. His eyes scanned the crowd, meeting gazes and making his fans happy. ‘I’m so happy to be here, in one of my favourite cities in the world. Let’s make music!’

He picked up his guitar, slid the strap over his head and started his first song. There were more screams as the crowd recognised it after only a couple of notes.

As he played, his eyes continued to scan the crowd. He started and almost missed a word when he met Teddy’s eyes, out there in the crowd. He kept going and glanced to the wings. The beautiful man was still there, both in the wings and in the crowd at the same time.

Another ghost? Fuck, he really hoped not. He wanted that visit to his dressing room. Whoever this Teddy guy was, he was really hot.

Oma had come round for dinner. She had insisted on bringing a contribution and Kala had insisted on her getting to have a good long hold of Anika. Wolfgang smiled as he watched his wife and his Oma cuddling his daughter, talking in their soft voices to her, giving her little kisses on her downy head. What better sight was there? He never thought he’d have this life, a real proper family but here it was. And he was happy, so happy.

So why did he feel so wobbly still? And strange. Still the nightmare, he supposed. It had thrown him a little, he had to admit. Not that he had admitted it. He hadn’t mentioned it to Kala and Rajan and he hoped neither Nomi nor Sun had mentioned it either. No, they wouldn’t go behind his back like that.

‘Wolfie, can you come and help me for a moment?’ Rajan called from the kitchen.

Wolfgang dragged himself away from the sight before him and went to Rajan. ‘Sure,’ he said. ‘What do you want me to do?’

Rajan gave him a somewhat firm look, putting down his oven gloves on the worktop. Everything seemed under control.

‘I would like you to talk to me, if it’s not too much trouble,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang winced at his tone. He might have known. Of course, Rajan would work it out. He was so fucking … observant. And now that he thought of it, Kala had been careful with him all day as well, giving him lots of extra affection but making sure not to sneak up on him. He supposed they’d talked about it and elected Rajan to talk to him.

‘It’s nothing really,’ he said, almost out of habit.

Rajan reached out, grasped Wolfgang by the hip and pulled him close. He didn’t say anything, just held him. It was a close, firm embrace and Wolfgang found himself relaxing into it.

‘I just had a nightmare, that’s all,’ Wolfgang said, after a moment. Though he had tried not to think of it, the actual content of the nightmare had kept coming back to him since. He’d tried to push it away from his mind but it kept coming back. And some cruel part of his psyche, a part Wolfgang often attributed to the echo of Whispers, kept placing Anika into the dream instead of himself.

Rajan’s hand was gentle on his back, rubbing slow circles. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘No. Really, no.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because you shouldn’t have to hear that.’

Rajan pulled back and looked into his face for a moment, then he steered them backwards and leaned against the counter with his leg in between Wolfgang’s. He looked carefully at him, studying his face. ‘If you don’t want to talk to me, talk to Corinne about it.’

Wolfgang looked away. ‘I already know what she would say. I can handle it myself.’

Rajan cupped his jaw and turned his face back towards him. ‘You _have_ to talk about it, my love. This is not optional. Remember what happens when you treat it like it’s optional?’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘Yeah, I know.’

‘So, do it. For us, for Anika.’ He paused. ‘For yourself.’

Wolfgang huffed, then leaned forward and pressed his forehead to Rajan’s shoulder. ‘Won’t I ever be better?’

Rajan held him tightly. ‘I’m not sure it works like that, my love, more’s the pity. But you’re not starting from scratch here, and there’s more happy than sad, isn’t there?’

‘Yeah,’ said Wolfgang, his words muffled in Rajan’s chest.

‘Then it’s worth keeping up the fight.’

Wolfgang straightened and looked at him. ‘It’s worth it for our family,’ he said. He sighed. ‘I’ll go see Corinne tomorrow, if you two can spare me.’

‘We can handle things here.’

‘If you two keep canoodling instead of cooking, our dinner will never be ready,’ said Oma, stepping into the kitchen. She was holding Anika against her chest.

She looked searchingly at Wolfgang. ‘Are you all right, Mäuschen?’

He gave her a smile. ‘Yeah, just having a wobble.’

‘Ah, then have a baby cuddle,’ she said, expertly transferring Anika into his arms. ‘Just the thing for wobbles.’

He smiled, holding his daughter against his chest. She grabbed a handful of his shirt and held on tight.

Rajan leaned over, kissed her head and murmured softly to her in Hindi. ‘My precious one.’

She gurgled happily, settling against her Vati. Oma squeezed his arm. ‘Normal to have a wobble,’ she said. ‘Just you make sure you deal with it properly. You’ve got too much love and happiness to let things fester.’ She reached up and stroked his hair. ‘Believe me, Mäuschen, I know all about wobbles. You’ve got to keep your eye on them and work through them, for the sake of your family and yourself.’

He didn’t say anything, just found her hand and squeezed it. She was right and he knew she, and his whole family, had his back. And they were all worth fighting for. 

Nomi took off her glasses and cleaned them, although they were already sparkling. She put them back on and looked around. They’d done everything, hadn’t they? Everything looked right. But it had all moved so fast.

Amanita skipped across to her and slid her arms around her waist. ‘Relax, honey, we’re ready. We are _more_ than ready.’

‘I’m nervous.’

Amanita laughed gently. ‘Really? I couldn’t tell.’ She tucked the strand of hair Nomi kept fiddling with behind her ear for her and kissed her softly on the mouth. ‘It’s all going to be fine.’

‘I just can’t believe how quickly it’s happened.’

‘That’s the way it works when they’ve found the right match. No point in hanging around.’

‘Do you think they’ll like their rooms?’

‘If they don’t, we can change them. Whatever they need, we can provide. That’s why we’re going to be their parents.’

‘I’ve never been more terrified and more ecstatic in my whole life.’

‘Welcome to the club,’ said Wolfgang.

Nomi looked at him and Amanita straightened, immediately aware she was being visited.

‘Who is it?’

‘Wolfgang,’ said Nomi.

Amanita smiled. ‘Is he empathising with your nerves?’

‘It’ll be worth the fear,’ he said. He gave her a small, affectionate smile. ‘You’ll be a great mom.’

She felt a smile spread across her face.

‘Those kids are lucky,’ he said.

‘Not as lucky as we are to have them,’ she said.

His smile widened. ‘See? You’ll be great.’

Nomi took a deep breath and nodded. She glanced around and grinned as she saw the rest of the cluster popping in, all looking about as anxious as she felt as they waited for the children to arrive. She slipped her arm around her wife and hugged her. ‘They’re all here.’

‘I guess they’re anxious to meet the new members of the family too,’ said Amanita.

‘Yeah, though I don’t think any of them are as anxious as I am.’

Amanita took her hand. ‘We’re both anxious, but we’re in it together, remember.’

Nomi nodded, squeezing her love’s hand. ‘Together.’

They just had to wait.


	49. Chapter 49

Teddy was on top of the world, the music flowing through his body and mind even after it had finished. As people started to file out, all euphoric, whether quiet or chatting with their friends, he debated not going to find Rafael. He probably hadn’t meant it and maybe it hadn’t even happened. How had he even ended up there? Maybe it was just his imagination? But it had felt so real. He’d been able to feel Rafael’s warmth and the gentle strength in his hand when he’d gripped his shoulder. The sparkle in his green-brown eyes had looked so real. The whole encounter had felt so real.

Teddy wished he’d brought a friend to talk some sense into him either way. Instead, he was dithering, hanging back as the stadium emptied. One of the security staff came over and panic shot through Teddy. He was supposed to be heading out with everybody else.

‘Excuse me, are you Teddy?’

Teddy stopped, surprised by the polite tone of the huge man in the high vis jacket who had approached him.

‘Er, yes.’

The man smiled at him. ‘Mr Moreno would like to see you, if you’d like to come backstage.’

‘I’d love to,’ said Teddy. The staff member led him backstage and his belly jumped with nerves but he also felt excited and eager. He was going to meet Rafael Moreno, his absolute favourite singer in the whole world.

He was taken right to the door of his idol’s dressing room, then left alone. He hesitated before he knocked.

‘Come in.’

Teddy opened the door and stood, staring as he came face to face with the real Rafael Moreno. The other man was sitting in a chair in front of a dressing table, still wearing the skinny jeans and tight t-shirt he’d worn to perform in. But he’d taken his glittery boots off and now just wore socks.

He smiled at Teddy and the smile brightened his whole face. Teddy felt a fluttering in his belly as he looked at him. He was beautiful, even more beautiful in person and Teddy found himself speechless.

But, at the same time, he could _feel_ him. He could see himself through Rafael’s eyes, looking shy and awkward standing there. For a moment, they just looked at each other. He could feel Rafael’s confusion about him, but suddenly, the other man seemed to push that away.

He stood up and crossed the room to him. ‘Did you enjoy the show?’

‘It was amazing, the best concert I’ve ever seen. You’ve made my night, made my year.’

Rafael smiled again. ‘Good.’ But then he frowned. ‘Why do I feel like I know you?’

Teddy shook his head. ‘I don’t know. One minute I was in the crowd, the next I was in the wings with you. I don’t know how it happened.’

Rafael considered him. ‘Have strange things been happening lately? Have you been seeing things?’

Teddy frowned. There was that man … ‘I saw somebody a few days ago. I was in one of the lifts at work, on my own, but suddenly there was this man looking at me. He was only there for a moment but he was like a ghost. Appeared out of nowhere and disappeared without trace.’

‘I saw him too. I asked him if he was a ghost. He said his name was Will.’

‘My mum would say it is the devil trying to tempt us, but it doesn’t feel like that.’

‘No, it doesn’t,’ said Rafael, his voice lowering to an awed whisper.

Teddy looked into those green-brown eyes and felt a pull in his chest. Suddenly, he knew exactly what it was. ‘It’s a miracle from God,’ he said.

Rafael gazed back at him, then slowly nodded. ‘It is.’

They just looked at each other for a moment and Teddy could feel electricity between them. There was that pull again, like he was looking at someone he knew intimately.

Rafael leaned into him and suddenly they were kissing, pulling desperately at each other. Teddy felt a rush of feelings overcome him, emotion clouding his thoughts and taking over his body. The word presence came into his head, encapsulating his feelings and yet, even that was not enough. He could _feel_ Rafael, every inch of his body and soul entwined with his own.

Electricity crackled through their bodies and he knew they were both completely lost in each other. Rafael’s hand was soft on his jaw, fingers trailing warmth across his skin. Teddy found himself cupping the back of Rafael’s head, sliding his fingers through his short brown hair. He felt as though he didn’t want to do anything but this for the rest of his life.

But eventually they had to part. Rafael broke the kiss and they panted against each other. Teddy could feel the other man’s warm breath on his cheek. They held the moment for a moment, breathing each other in. Teddy wanted to kiss him again but Rafael was pulling back. He kept his hand on his jaw and gazed at him. His eyes were half-lidded and his tongue snaked out to lick his lips before he spoke.

‘Want to come back to my hotel?’

Teddy wanted to more than anything and maybe he shouldn’t. Maybe it was a stupid, risky thing to do. Maybe it was even an immoral thing to do but, in that moment, he didn’t give a single fuck.

He swallowed several times before he could manage to speak, but when he murmured his positive response, he was rewarded with the biggest grin from Rafael, a smile that made that something flutter in his belly again.

‘Now you’ve made my year,’ said Rafael, before he leaned in and met Teddy’s lips in another all-consuming kiss.

Melika strode into Nomi and Amanita’s apartment like she owned it. Konani was shyer, but the moment the social worker crossed the threshold with him, he moved to Amanita’s side and wouldn’t budge from right next to her.

‘Where’s my room?’ asked Melika.

Nomi gave her a smile. Melika certainly was forthright and she knew what she wanted. She reminded Nomi of Amanita. She held out her hand. ‘Come with me and I’ll show you.’

Melika considered her, then slid her hand through hers and allowed Nomi to lead her to the room they’d made for her. Each bedroom was in a corner of the loft, so there was still plenty of space in the living area. They’d discovered on one of their meetings with the children that Melika’s favourite colour was yellow, so they’d bought yellow bedding and a big yellow rug to make her room cosy. They’d bought some toys and clothes but figured she’d want to choose most of her own things. They’d put a bookcase in and half-filled it with their favourite children’s books.

What they had made sure to provide, for both children, was a desk each and a big set of drawers full of art supplies, including plenty of paper, crayons and drawing pencils. Nomi was pleased to see that Melika went straight to the drawing corner. She didn’t say anything after she’d examined it but flashed Nomi a big grin.

‘Konani!’ she called. ‘Come and look!’

Konani was slow to come but, eventually he did, still clutching onto Amanita’s hand.

‘Do you want to see your room, Konani?’ Amanita asked.

He considered for a moment, then nodded but didn’t speak.

They crossed to his room. He liked green so they’d chosen green bedding and a big rug for him. He also seemed to approve of his art corner, and he liked the growth chart that looked like a tree on his wall.

Still holding tightly onto Amanita’s hand, he trotted over to the toy box to have a look inside. Not sure what he’d like, they’d put a variety of things in there, some dinosaur figures, a train set, puzzles and some dolls.

‘We can go shopping in a few days,’ said Amanita, ‘and you can pick out a few more things of your own.’

Melika looked between them, then glanced at the social worker. ‘You can go now,’ she said.

The social worker’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to stay a little longer?’

‘Nope, we’ll be fine here.’

The social worker said her goodbyes and left, leaving the children’s rucksacks on the ground by the door.

Nomi smiled. ‘It’s good that you’re comfortable.’

Melika looked at her, then at Amanita. ‘We like you,’ she said. ‘And we’d like to stay.’

‘Excellent,’ said Amanita. ‘Because we’d like you to stay, forever and ever.’

Konani threw his little arms around Amanita. ‘Can we go to the park every day?’

Amanita laughed, hugging him back. ‘Maybe not every day but a lot. Tell you what, let’s have some lunch, then we can go out and you can have your first visit to the park. Would you like that?’

They both nodded enthusiastically and followed Amanita over to the kitchen to help her make sandwiches for lunch. Nomi watched, feeling beyond thankful for Amanita. She was going to make this so much easier. Though Nomi knew, of course, that parenting was never easy. But she was determined she was going to do a better job than her parents. Like Wolfgang said, that was all she could do. She just had to love those kids as hard as she could and make sure they knew exactly how much she loved them. She was already feeling it.

Wolfgang woke feeling sluggish. He was alone in bed and felt like he’d slept too long. He glanced at his phone and swore. It was eleven in the morning.

He sat up and felt for Kala. She was downstairs, feeding Anika on the sofa. Rajan was in the kitchen making a start on lunch. Why had the left him to sleep so late?’

He got up and went to the bathroom, before going out onto the balcony to try and clear his head. He felt foggy and not quite with it. The fresh air usually helped. He remembered that he’d promised to go and see Corinne that day and talk things through with her. He didn’t want to but Rajan was right. It wasn’t optional.

He leaned against the balcony and took a big breath of fresh air. It took him a moment to realise that Will was with him.

‘Y’all right?’ Will asked.

‘I’m fine,’ Wolfgang said, a little too abruptly.

Will didn’t object, he just shrugged. Silence hung between them for a moment, then Wolfgang glanced at his clustermate. ‘How are the kids, the new cluster?’

Will smiled. ‘I think they’re starting to understand. It’s a difficult balance, what to explain and what to let them work out but I think I’m making it work. I’ve spoken properly with two of them now.’ He bit his lip, considering Wolfgang for a moment. ‘I wonder if you’d meet one for me. He lives here in Paris and I haven’t really been able to get through much.’

Wolfgang felt a flash of irritation. ‘I don’t want to meet random sensates. I’ve got enough going on right now.’

‘He’s not random. He’s intelligent and I think him understanding this will help the rest of the cluster a lot.’

Wolfgang shrugged.

‘He’s like my son, Wolfie. Can’t you understand that?’

‘You might feel like that about him but I don’t. I don’t even know him.’

Will frowned at him. ‘Fine, if you don’t want to do it, don’t. I’ll ask Kala.’

A pulse of alarm went through Wolfgang and he huffed to cover it. ‘I’ll think about it.’

‘You might get on. He’s half German.’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes. ‘There are a lot of Germans I don’t get on with.’

He felt Will bite back his response and he smirked. ‘It’s fine. Get angry with me if you want, I know I’m being a cunt.’

‘Then stop it,’ said Will. He turned away. ‘I can’t deal with you when you’re like this.’

Wolfgang felt the hurt in him and he felt a stab of guilt in his chest. He reached out and gripped Will’s shoulder, turning him back. ‘I’m sorry, I’m being a dick. You just caught me at a bad moment.’

Will looked hard at him. ‘Nightmares?’

‘Hmm, a few. It’s probably just because I’m a parent now. It’s making me think about my own childhood more. This shit … it’s hard to get away from.’

Will reached out and took his hand. He squeezed it gently. ‘I know.’

Wolfgang smiled at him. ‘Maybe forget this conversation ever happened. Ask me again after I’ve had my therapy session. I’m sure I’ll be much less of a sullen fucker then.’

Will laughed. ‘You got a deal.’ He gave Wolfgang’s shoulder a gentle push. ‘Go let your spouses look after you.’

Wolfgang nodded and went to do as he was told. As he did, he wondered why he’d got so irritated at the idea of meeting one of Will’s new ‘children’. He had no reason to object and no reason for the flash of irritation, but there it had been. Neither did he know why he’d felt that alarm when Will had suggested Kala meet him instead. He’d have a clearer head after therapy. Then maybe he could work out what was going on with him.


	50. Chapter 50

Rafael grinned as he felt Teddy’s awe at the size of his hotel room. Teddy was all awe and amazement, and quiet joy. Rafael wanted to feel more of that joy, wanted to coax it out of him, wanted to create more of them.

He was still marvelling at that kiss, how _real_ it had felt. He shook his head. It was real, of course, but it felt more real than any kiss ever had in his whole life. And he’d kissed a lot of people.

Teddy paused in his search around the room to glance at Rafael. ‘It’s so quiet. Are the walls thick?’

Rafael smiled gently. ‘I can put some music on if you like?’

Teddy nodded and Rafael crossed to the mini bar area where he’d set up his Bluetooth speakers. He set a playlist going, then looked at Teddy, who was standing awkwardly by the sofa. He could feel how nervous he was, but also how attracted and eager he was. It was strange to feel someone else’s emotions and he didn’t understand why it was happening, but for the moment, he was determined not to worry about it.

‘We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,’ said Rafael, gently.

‘I know. It’s just … I haven’t had much experience.’

‘We can just go at your pace.’ He crossed to the sofa and sat down. ‘Just sit with me, and we can talk if you like.’

Teddy sat beside him and Rafael gave him an encouraging smile. It was surprising how shy he was. He looked so confident, and he was beautiful and sexy, but so shy and nervous underneath.

‘I can feel what you feel,’ he said, reaching out to caress Teddy’s cheek. It was smooth and soft beneath his fingers and at the same time, he could feel his own touch, as though it were his cheek being caressed.

‘This is so strange,’ Teddy murmured, gazing at him. ‘What I feel … it makes no sense.’ Then he leaned forward and carefully, cautiously met his mouth in a kiss.

I had a dream so big and loud  
I jumped so high I touched the clouds  
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh, wo-o-o-o-o-oh  
I stretched my hands out to the sky  
We danced with monsters through the night  
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh, wo-o-o-o-o-oh

Mari straightened as she heard the music in her head. She abandoned the writing she had been doing, took her phone from her pocket and turned off the ambient forest sounds she had playing. Instead, she put on the song and it was like her headphones had suddenly got the best sound quality in the world.

The music was inside her, inside her head, inside her heart. She could feel her cluster. She could feel each one of them. All at once, she knew each of their names. She _knew_ them, as part of her own soul.

There was Rafael, confident and sure of himself, but overcome by the feelings of love budding inside him. Teddy, nervous and afraid of something new, but already falling head over heels for this person he’d once seen only on a screen but who now _knew_ him, deeper than anyone else.

She could feel Alois, both curious and wary about what was going on. He wanted to know everything, wanted to learn every single thing she could about this new ability, this new world.

Elin was frightened, worried she was going mad, unsure of what to do. She heard the song, she felt the others but she didn’t know what it meant. Nothing she had learned in all her studies had prepared her for this.

Niki’s certainty was strong and Mari was reassured by it. Someone else understood at least some of this. Mari could feel her excitement, her imagination lighting up so many possibilities in this new world of wonders.

Anwar had so much on his mind, but there was still room for curiosity about what was happening. Where he was, there no speakers, no digital music. All they had was what music they could make themselves, but he heard the song too and it inflamed a joy in his heart he had not felt for so long.

Tora, she knew. In a second, she was with her in Tokyo and Tora was with her in Cardiff. Something within them called to each other.

I'm never gonna look back  
Woah, never gonna give it up  
No, please don't wake me now

This is gonna be the best day of my life  
My li-i-i-i-i-ife  
This is gonna be the best day of my life  
My li-i-i-i-i-ife

Alois looked up from his desk as the snatches of a song floated through his mind. Was someone in a neighbouring office playing music? How inconsiderate. How was he supposed to get on with his work with someone playing music so loudly?

He got up and went to his office door. He poked his out into the corridor but the music was no louder out there. He frowned and went back to his desk.

But he couldn’t concentrate. He could hear the song as clearly as though it were playing right in the room with him.

He stood up again, feeling anger shoot through him. Who was disturbing him?

He wasn’t in his office anymore. He was in a hotel room. He looked round in confusion and saw two men he didn’t know, but somehow did know, kissing on the large sofa. They didn’t look away from each other but he felt, somehow, that they knew he was there.

He turned away and he was somewhere else. It was a bare room, with only two sets of bunk beds in it, uniform beds like in the military. A woman sat on one of the lower bunks, leafing through a folder of papers. She seemed to sense his presence immediately and looked up.

‘I know you,’ she said, standing up. ‘I think your name is Alois.’

He looked her over. She was shorter than him, and slimmer. Her pale skin, blonde hair and narrow face gave her a delicate elfin look that he quite enjoyed. ‘And you’re Elin,’ he said, and turned on his smile.

I howled at the moon with friends  
And then the sun came crashing in  
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh, wo-o-o-o-o-oh  
But all the possibilities  
No limits just epiphanies  
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh, wo-o-o-o-o-oh

The music had started so suddenly. One moment, Elin had been reading in silence, the next that music was in her head. It wasn’t real, was it? God, was she hearing things now? Since seeing that woman, Niki, standing in the snow in summer clothes, she’d felt all sorts of strange things. She’d felt emotions which weren’t hers. She’d had strange dreams. She’d felt the weather change, for split seconds, before it was back to the snow again.

She’d heard about things like this, heard about people going mad out here. Strange things could happen to the mind in an environment like this. Was she going mad? What if she was losing her grip on reality? She’d have to go home, go to hospital. What was happening?

The man appeared in front of her suddenly as well. She had never seen him before, but he felt familiar and, immediately, a name came into her mind.

‘I know you,’ she said. She stood up and looked him over. He wasn’t a tall man and he was slender, with a good-looking face and striking greenish blue eyes. He was blond, like her, but his hair was cut quite short, a neat short back and sides haircut. ‘I think your name is Alois.’

‘And you’re Elin,’ he said, and gave her a smile. It was a charming smile, which showed his clean, white teeth.

‘Are you real?’ she asked.

He laughed lightly. ‘As far as anyone can know they are real.

‘I’m not going mad then?’

‘No. I’m a psychiatrist. I think I’d be able to spot it.’ 

I'm never gonna look back  
Woah, never gonna give it up  
No, just don't wake me now

Niki had been waiting for something to happen. When she heard the music, she was alone, walking through the woods again. She stopped, a smile spreading across her face. It was as clear as if she were playing it herself.

She saw Mari, listening to the music on her purple headphones. She felt Teddy and Rafael, their eagerness for each other as they exchanged electric kisses. She felt all her cluster, real and vivid. They were in her mind, but they were real. Koro had always told her of the huge possibilities of the world, that the gods had no limit to their imagination and neither should she.

There was a pull in her chest and she felt for Elin, eager to see her again. But she did not find herself with her. Instead, she felt dry warmth on her face. She squinted as the bright sun caught in her eyes.

She looked to her side and Anwar looked back at her. She felt sadness in him but also joy, a joy he had longed for.

This is gonna be the best day of my life  
My li-i-i-i-i-ife  
This is gonna be the best day of my life  
My li-i-i-i-i-ife

Anwar had been watching his boys again when he heard the music above the laughter and the shouts of the children. He turned his head, confused for a moment, until he remembered those other strange things he had seen.

He closed his eyes and felt a smile spread across his face as he listened. Music. Real, joyful music. It felt so long since he had heard such a song, one filled with joy and light. His world had been so full of suffering and death and worry for so long.

Even now, the worry was strong. He had so much to worry about, so much resting on his shoulders.

But now … Now was a time for joy. He smiled at the woman beside him suddenly and he knew she felt his joy and shared it. There was so much joy in just the simple act of listening to music.

I hear it calling outside my window  
I feel it in my soul (soul)  
The stars were burning so bright  
The sun was out 'til midnight  
I say we lose control (control)

Tora felt herself grinning like an idiot as Mari grabbed her hand and twirled her round to the bright, happy song. She didn’t care that this shouldn’t be possible. She didn’t care that she didn’t usually dance. The music was inside her, Mari was with her and she was going to dance.

Mari’s smile was bright and happy. It filled Tora with pure, unadulterated joy. It was a feeling she didn’t often allow herself to feel so fully, to embrace with abandon. Quiet enjoyment was more her thing.

But this? This called for more than that. She could feel the whole cluster with them, the joy bouncing across all their minds. It spurred her on, let her lose herself in the music, in their presence, in the feeling of Mari with her, their emotions all tumbling together.

The strength of the feelings was too much and she had to let loose. She pulled Mari close by their joined hands. Their gazes met for a moment, and then so did their lips. They stilled, the music and the emotions still flowing around them as they kissed, slow and soft and deep. This was the ultimate connection.

This is gonna be the best day of my life  
My li-i-i-i-i-ife  
This is gonna be the best day of my life  
My li-i-i-i-i-ife  
This is gonna be, this is gonna be, this is gonna be  
The best day of my life  
Everything is looking up, everybody up now  
This is gonna be the best day of my life  
My li-i-i-i-i-ife

Teddy broke the kiss, but he didn’t pull away. His hands were clutching the collar of Rafael’s shirt and he looked into his eyes. They sparkled back at him, full of emotion.

‘Did you feel that?’ he whispered.

Rafael nodded. ‘I don’t know what is happening but I don’t want it to stop, not ever.’

Teddy nodded, feeling a little breathless. What was happening? How could they feel so much at once? How could they be in all those places, feel all those people without ever leaving this room?

But with them, he felt brave. What was he waiting for? Why had he been so afraid for so long? He swallowed, letting go of Rafael’s collar to trace his jaw. He could feel a little stubble there now. He looked at those soft lips, which had felt so good on his. He breathed in his scent, a mix of the clean smell of soap and the heady woodiness of sandalwood in his cologne.

‘Take me to bed,’ he murmured.

Rafael gazed back at him for a moment and Teddy felt the curious sensation of his feelings being examined. Then Rafael gave him a brilliant smile, took his hand and led him to the bed. 

Wolfgang had an appointment with Corinne. He knew he needed to talk but he wasn’t particularly looking forward to it. Rajan and Kala had pampered him a little, making him food and giving him plenty of hugs and kisses. He’d had a good cuddle with Anika as well, and read her a book and had a little play with her.

Then Kala had fed her and, after a diaper change, they had got her settled in her pram, as Kala had decided it would be good to have a little walk about with her.

He knew why; she wanted to accompany him on his way to his therapy session. He didn’t mind. Actually, he was grateful. It meant he wouldn’t have to think about the things that were bothering him on the way.

Rajan pushed the pram and Kala and Wolfgang walked either side of them. At first, they talked to Anika, as she gazed, wide-eyed at her surroundings. But soon, the sweet warm milk in her belly, the movement of the pram and the fresh air started making her sleepy and she drifted off.

‘It really does work,’ said Kala. ‘My mother is always telling me that a walk in the pram will always get a baby to sleep.’

‘Oma said the same thing,’ said Wolfgang.

‘And all the books agree,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang grinned across at Kala, who smiled fondly. They walked in silence for a little while, until Wolfgang spoke again.

‘Will wants us all to meet the new cluster.’

Kala glanced at him. ‘He’s excited about them. He says they’re like family.’

‘What about us? Aren’t we his family?’ Wolfgang asked, wincing at how petty his voice sounded.

Kala frowned. ‘Are you jealous?’

‘No. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not going to blindly trust them just because he birthed them. Angelica birthed Todd, didn’t she? The Mother birthed Whispers. Just because their parent is good, doesn’t mean the cluster will be.’

‘I thought the danger was gone now,’ said Rajan. ‘There’s never been any hint of Lila’s cluster, has there? And we trust BPO under River, don’t we?’

‘It’s not as simple as that, Raj. You wouldn’t understand. There’s always going to be danger for us, or the possibility of danger.’

‘Or you’re just being paranoid,’ said Kala, gently.

Wolfgang shot her a glance. ‘I’m not paranoid.’ He paused. ‘And even if I was, it doesn’t mean there’s no reason to be.’

‘Well, I don’t think there’s any harm in meeting the new cluster and it would make Will happy.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Well, I’ll think about it. I told him to ask me again after my session.’ He came to a stop. They were in a square a block away from the building where Corinne had her office.

‘You two should go and have a walk somewhere pretty. I’ll be about an hour.’

Kala came around the pram to give him a hug and a kiss. ‘Talk to her, okay?’

He nodded, holding her to him. ‘I will, Liebling.’

She smiled warmly, then stood back, taking hold of the pram so Rajan could say goodbye as well. Wolfgang hugged him, kissing him softly on the lips and, before Rajan could say anything, he spoke.

‘I know, Raj, talking is compulsory.’ He glanced into the pram and smiled. ‘I won’t kiss her. Don’t want to wake her and run.’ He turned. ‘I’ll call when I’m done,’ he said and headed off. He knew the session would help and he knew that, before that, there was no point in trying to sort out his feelings on his own.


	51. Chapter 51

Wolfgang sat down in Corinne’s office, with no idea where to start. He didn’t know how to start to explain how he felt to her, when he didn’t understand it himself.

Corinne smiled at him. ‘I gather congratulations are in order. What’s her name?’

Wolfgang felt a smile spread across his face and his heart lighten at the thought of his daughter. ‘Anika Petra Rasal,’ he said. Saying her name still felt magical. ‘Do you want to see a picture?’

She nodded and he pulled out his phone. He had loads of pictures already; pictures of Anika sleeping, being held, playing; pictures in her crib, on her playmat, in the carrier, in her pram. He showed Corinne a few of the best and she cooed appropriately.

‘And how are you all coping with her? Babies are a lot of work.’

‘We’re doing well, I think. She’s feeding well, sleeping in good three hour chunks and we’re taking it in turns to see to her, so we all get plenty of sleep.’

She looked at him, meeting his eyes. ‘And how are you emotionally?’

He held her gaze for a moment, then looked down, a wry smile crossing his face. ‘You always know. How do you always know?’

She smiled kindly. ‘It is extremely common for survivors of child abuse, of all types, to struggle emotionally when they have their own children. It’s something about realising for the first time how deeply wrong it is.’

‘That’s it exactly. I can’t … I can’t imagine ever wanting to hurt her, in any way. I can’t imagine her doing anything that would make me that angry with her. There’s nothing that could happen that would make me reject her. I’d do anything for her. I’d die for her.’

‘That’s a normal way to feel as a parent,’ she said, gently.

‘But my parents didn’t feel like that. So, what was wrong with me?’ He looked away, hating that he’d said that, hating that he felt it. He felt her compassion and that made him feel both worse and better at the same time.

‘You know that nothing was wrong with you, Wolfgang. It isn’t your fault. They made their choices and now you can make yours.’

He clenched his teeth and felt his jaw pulse with tension. ‘I keep having these dreams.’

‘About Anika?’

He looked sharply at her. ‘Are you going to tell me that’s normal too?’

‘You’re seeing her instead of yourself in your traumatic memories, aren’t you?’

He nodded.

She reached out and took his hand in hers. ‘It’s a way of processing it. It’s part of the realisation of how much it hurt you.’

‘I know what it did to me. I had years of panic attacks and nightmares because of it.’

‘But it goes deeper than that, and you’ve been running from those feelings your entire life. For so many years, you dealt with it by avoiding the feelings. You’ve avoided the hurt with anger, with violence and with sex. But having a child is making you face the hurt that was done to you. Your mind is showing you the hurt in a way you can accept it is hurt, because you know she would never do anything to deserve that.’

Wolfgang sat in silence for a moment, feeling every part of his body clench in anger, disgust and hate. He swallowed hard, knowing that if he spoke now, he’d start to cry. He didn’t cry. He wouldn’t.

His gaze flickered towards her, then back down. Her eyes were so full of compassion and understanding, as always, and he couldn’t stand it. He held her hand and she squeezed it firmly.

He swallowed again. ‘How …’ He looked up at her. ‘How do I make it stop?’

She smiled gently. ‘The same way as before. By talking about it, by facing that hurt.’

He groaned, leaning back against the sofa. ‘I was afraid you were going to say that. You can never give me a quick fix, can you?’

‘You’ve done the quick fixes, ignoring it all through sex and violence. Did any of them work?’

‘Maybe not but they were fun.’

‘I know it feels like starting all over again but you’ve come a long way. You’re stable and you can cope with the bad thoughts in your mind and in your dreams. You know how to deal with it. This is just another bump in the road.’

He let her words linger in his mind for a moment before he spoke again. ‘There’s something else bothering me too.’

‘What’s bothering you?’

‘Will. He birthed a new cluster and he wants me to meet them.’

‘And you don’t want to?’

‘I have this unreasonable … revulsion at the idea and I don’t know why.’

‘You’ve been betrayed by other clusters, hurt by other sensates in the past. Do you think that could be why you feel this way?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I guess. It feels so petty and I know it hurts Will when I act like that. I hate hurting him but I’m not sure I can get over it.’

‘There is always the possibility of meeting them on blockers. That way you can protect yourself from connecting with them, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

‘I don’t even know what I’m worried about.’

‘Then maybe you need to work that out in your own head first.’

Wolfgang left his therapy session with his mind full. But it had helped. He felt reassured that what was happening was a normal reaction to fatherhood in his situation and he just had to deal with it, the same way he had dealt with the nightmares the first time around. He had to talk them through and he would, with Corinne. She wouldn’t judge and she wouldn’t be hurt by it. She could deal with anything.

Now he just had to decide what he was going to do about the new cluster. The idea of meeting them still made a shiver go through him and he wasn’t certain why. He’d felt a little of them through Will and he detected no particular threat that he was aware of but trusting had never come easily to him. Before his cluster, the only person he trusted was Felix.

He wanted to talk to Felix, but he’d gone back to Berlin for a couple of months to see to his club. He hadn’t even met Anika yet. He missed him but he would be back soon. For the past few years, he’d gone back to Berlin every few months for a visit and it was part of the rhythm of their life here.

‘It is a pity he’s not a sensate,’ said Lito. ‘Then you could see him all the time.’

Wolfgang looked at his friend and smiled. He was wearing skinny jeans and one of his shiny shirts that accentuated every line of his abs and pecs. ‘Where are you going all dressed up?’

‘I am meeting my fiancé from work.’

Wolfgang raised an eyebrow.

Lito grinned broadly. ‘I have to look immaculate. My public cannot catch sight of me looking less than perfect.’

Wolfgang snorted, shaking his head. ‘Fame is pretty much my worst nightmare, but you love it, don’t you?’

‘It’s a perk.’ He watched Wolfgang for a moment and Wolfgang could feel him examining his emotions. He waited for Lito to ask, but his next question surprised him. ‘Hey, did you know that one of Will’s cluster is a famous singer? Rafael Moreno.’

Wolfgang’s eyebrows rose. ‘Is he? He was a judge on American Idol last year. He’s hot.’

Lito nodded enthusiastically. ‘He lives here in LA. I cannot wait to meet him.’

‘Then why haven’t you?’

‘He’s on tour right now. I will as soon as he gets back. I cannot wait.’

Wolfgang looked down. ‘Aren’t you … worried?’

Lito clapped him on the back. ‘Wolfgang, my friend, there is nothing to be worried about. They are like us!’

Wolfgang stopped and looked at him. ‘Just be careful. I don’t know why but … I have this bad feeling.’

Lito frowned and he gripped Wolfgang’s shoulder, his thumb sliding over his collarbone where it showed above his shirt. ‘We’re not at war anymore. You have to stop with this paranoia.’

‘Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean the world isn’t out to get me.’

Lito rolled his eyes, pulling back from Wolfgang and sitting on a bench. Wolfgang looked around, finding himself in LA. He didn’t sit down, just looked.

‘Look around, my friend. There is no danger here.’

Wolfgang wanted to agree but the hairs on the back of his neck were standing on end. He looked at Lito. ‘There’s danger everywhere.’

Rafael’s hand was soft on Teddy’s bare waist and his eyes were bright in the semi-darkness. Their breath was hot on each other’s faces as they leaned in for another kiss. Teddy’s body tingled as Rafael caressed him, pressing into him.

This was impossible to describe, impossible to understand. Feelings flowed through him that he couldn’t name, feelings that made him feel as though he were floating on air. They weren’t alone. Those presences were with them still, but not intruding, just there on the edge of their consciousness.

Rafael was on top of him now, their naked bodies in full contact as they kissed, slowly and deeply. Teddy’s breath caught in his throat as these new sensations overtook him. Rafael was all heat and firmness, tenderness and softness all at once.

They moved together, pleasure rippling through their bodies as they lost themselves in each other. They needed no words. Their very thoughts seemed to mingle and there was nothing but their connection, burning through them.

The room was filled with their soft gasps and desperate moans. Their bodies moved in sync, without effort. Rafael’s mouth was hot on his jaw, dropping soft kisses across his flesh. He moved lower and his teeth grazed his neck. Teddy reached for him, sliding his hands through his silky soft hair.

Rafael trailed his hands through Teddy’s dreadlocks, rolling a braid gently between his thumb and forefinger. Teddy gazed at him and Rafael met his gaze and smiled. His smile was so bright, so full, it made Teddy’s whole body tingle and his heart thudded in his chest.

Their movements became more urgent, as they sought more and more of each other, each needing the other more than they could describe. Teddy grasped Rafael’s slender arms, holding on tight to him as he felt himself begin to tremble. Rafael kissed him, hard and full on the mouth. His moan against him sent waves of pleasure through him.

As their pleasure peaked together, their grips on each other’s arms left bruises, as pleasure and pain mixed inexorably together and their orgasms overtook their bodies and minds.

Afterwards, they lay together, wrapped in each other. Teddy rested his head on Rafael’s chest and listened to his heartbeat. He knew the sex would fade to a pleasant blur in his memory but this, _this_ moment would be what he remembered later.

Rafael dropped a kiss into his hair and sighed. Teddy closed his eyes and just felt his presence. He knew that, in the morning, he would go home and Rafael would continue on his tour and with his superstar life and this would be just a memory. He knew he couldn’t have this, not really. He knew the things he had felt tonight would not mean anything in the morning. He knew they didn’t really mean anything now. Teddy knew that for Rafael this was just one more night and fun and sex. He probably did this all the time. But nothing like this ever happened to Teddy. This sort of love and softness was not for him. But he would remember it. He would never forget this moment.

Rafael had no idea what had just happened. He held Teddy in his arms and he could not remember ever feeling this way before. When he’d brought Teddy back to his hotel room, he’d thought sex. He’d thought fun and pleasure, something fleeting and glorious.

It had been glorious, but so was this moment. Just holding Teddy in his arms was the most glorious thing that had ever happened to him. He never wanted to let him go.

But his life wasn’t one meant for this sort of relationship. His last attempt had proven that. Who wanted to get involved with someone who didn’t like to stay still, who had … complications when he did stay in one place.

He dropped a kiss into Teddy’s hair and closed his eyes as he felt the soft silkiness against his mouth. Teddy was warm and solid in his arms. He’d laid himself bare in front of him that night and Rafael felt that was a big thing for him. He felt that he had never done anything like that before. But Rafael thought that every inch of him was beautiful. But it was more than a surface beauty. There was something about him, something about _who_ he was, that was the most beautiful thing he had ever come across.

He wanted him. He wanted more than sex from him. He wanted everything.

But it was impossible. Their lives were too far apart. Rafael didn’t even know much about Teddy’s life but, somehow he knew how different they were. He wanted him to stay forever but he knew he couldn’t. It had to be just this night, just this moment in time.

He heard music again and he didn’t know where it came from, but it seemed to suit the moment. Teddy shifted, as though he could hear it too, though his breathing was already so deep and even that he thought he must be asleep.

One foot in front of the other  
Keep breathing just like they taught you  
You politely asked to take a walk with me  
I would've married you there underneath the trees  
Is it real, this thing?  
Is it real, ooh, this thing?

I could make you happy  
I could make you love me  
I could disappear completely  
I could be your love song  
I could be long gone  
I could be a ghost in your eardrum  
When you sleep, will it be with me?  
When you sleep, will it be with me?

I swore I saw you in a dream  
All dressed in white and wide smile  
You politely asked to take a walk with me  
And I married you there underneath the trees  
Can you feel the beat of my heartbeat beating through me?  
Can you feel the beat of my heartbeat beating through?

I could make you happy  
I could make you love me  
I could disappear completely  
I could be your love song  
I could be long gone  
I could be a ghost in your eardrum  
When you sleep, will it be with me?  
When you sleep, will it be with me?

How did I miss you, when I didn't know you? (Ooh)  
How did I miss you, when I didn't know you? (Ooh)  
How did I miss you, when I didn't know you? (Ooh)  
How did I miss you, when I didn't know you? (Ooh)

I could make you happy  
I could make you love me  
I could disappear completely  
I could be your love song  
I could be long gone  
I could be a ghost in your eardrum  
I could make you happy  
I could make you love me  
I could disappear completely  
Be with me when you sleep  
Be with me

It was all impossible, of course. But _fuck_ , Rafi wanted it so much. He wanted Teddy, but they just had this night, this moment. It was nothing. It was everything. It was not enough.


	52. Chapter 52

Tora was sleeping. Mari watched her. Since the music, they hadn’t been able to part from each other. They had tried but a stray thought was all it took and they were back together.

Mari lay on her bed, but on Tora’s bed at the same time. She had her earphones on and soft music was playing. Tora was peaceful in her sleep and Mari smiled to see her. It made her feel content and calm.

I could make you happy  
I could make you love me  
I could disappear completely  
I could be your love song  
I could be long gone  
I could be a ghost in your eardrum  
When you sleep, will it be with me?  
When you sleep, will it be with me?

She felt so strongly for Tora already. How was that possible? They had only just met but already she felt like she had known her forever. Was that a cluster thing?

She smiled as she realised she could feel Rafael and Teddy. They were dozing in each other’s arms, still in the haze of pleasure they had created in each other. She lay down beside Tora and Tora’s arms slid around her waist. Mari knew she could feel her there, feel her presence even in her dreams. She could hear her heartbeat, and she could hear Teddy’s and Rafael’s as well. If she focused, she could be with them as well, the four of them together.

Did they understand what was happening? She wasn’t sure they did. She wasn’t sure she did yet, even after Will’s explanations. But she would learn. She felt as though she were on the cusp of something wonderful, something indescribable. She couldn’t wait to discover everything about it. She couldn’t wait to discover everything about her cluster, but especially about Tora.

She couldn’t describe the instant connection she felt with her, the connection she felt with all of them. They were eight strangers but they were one.

‘Will calls it a shared soul,’ said Niki. Mari looked up and found herself somewhere else. It was a living room, with not much furniture except a sofa and a television. But on the walls were shelves of trophies and photographs of grinning sports teams. She spotted Niki in many of them, at different ages.

‘Shared soul,’ repeated Mari. ‘A romantic way of putting it but it does work. It’s like we’re one person.’

‘It’s strange but I think I’m beginning to understand,’ said Niki. ‘It’s not logical. It’s all about feelings, about the spirit.’

‘I’ve never been religious. I’ve never believed in souls but …’ She looked at Tora, still sleeping beside her. ‘There’s no other word for it.’

‘No,’ said Niki, and Mari could feel a pang in her clustermate’s chest. ‘There isn’t.’

Niki pulled away without saying anything more but Mari could still feel her. There was a strange mix of yearning and dread inside her, that she didn’t know what to do with. Mari lay back down with Tora. She had never been good at interpreting people’s emotions but now that it was coming automatically for her within her cluster, she didn’t know what to do with them. She barely knew what to do with her own emotions. But for the first time in her life, she felt she were surrounded by people who understood that.

All her life, Kala had underestimated the simple joy being a parent brought. She had been so focused on her career and on forging her own path, that she had never even realised it wasn’t a choice she had to make between the two. Being a parent didn’t mean she had to waste her mind. She could still do what she loved. She didn’t have to choose between her passion and her family.

Rajan smiled at her as they sat down on a bench in the park and he put the brakes on the pram. ‘I can tell how happy you are, even without being a sensate.’

She smiled back at him. ‘I am. And it’s because I know I don’t have to choose. I can go back to work as soon as I’m ready.’

‘Of course. And you can choose your own hours.’

‘I was thinking about seeing how well I can express milk for her, now her feeding is established. Then when I build up enough in the freezer, I can be away from her longer than just between feeds.’

Rajan nodded. ‘This is where having a three-parent family helps. She’ll always be with one of us while she’s little.’

‘Do you think Wolfgang will enjoy staying at home with her?’

‘Are you kidding? He’s besotted with her. And he’s never been one to worry about a career anyway.’

‘Still, looking after a baby full time is hard work and … well lately, it’s like there’s a weight on him.’

Rajan sighed. ‘I know he’s worried about the nightmares starting again.’

‘And this attitude against the new cluster. I don’t know where that’s come from but it’s really upsetting Will.’

‘Wolfie’s just being protective, Kala. You know he finds it difficult to turn that off. It’s natural for it to get stronger now he’s a parent.’

‘I just hope Corinne can help him. I want to meet the new cluster. Connections are so important to us as Sensates. Even after all the trouble we’ve been through, the idea of not connecting with any other cluster is impossible to contemplate. And this is Will’s cluster, his children. It’d be like Will refusing to meet Anika.’

‘I’m not sure Wolfie sees it like that.’

Kala looked at him. ‘I’m worried he’s getting paranoid. This fear seems to have come out of nowhere.’

‘He just wants us to be safe. And it may not be paranoia. After all, his bad feelings have saved our lives many times now.’

‘I just don’t see how this cluster could be a danger. If they were, surely Will would have sensed something.’

Rajan shrugged. ‘Sometimes you need distance to see things like that. There is no way to tell who is right about this until we have met them.’ He took her hand. ‘If you like, I can try and talk him into it.’ He smiled. ‘You two find it far too easy to argue with each other.’

She laughed lightly. ‘We’re both just opinionated.’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘That’s one word for it.’

She straightened. ‘He’s coming.’

A few moments later, Wolfgang came around the corner into the park. He was a little more stooped than he had been and looked so tired. They were used to that. His therapy sessions were always exhausting for him and they knew his sleeping hadn’t been fantastic lately.

He didn’t say anything, just sat down on the bench beside Rajan and leaned against him. Rajan put his arm around his shoulders and tucked him in close.

‘All right?’ he asked.

Wolfgang nodded but still didn’t speak. Kala reached across and squeezed his hand. ‘Do you want to stay here for a while or go home?’

‘Here,’ he said. ‘I like the sunshine.’

He wouldn’t say any more and Kala could feel the thoughts raging in his mind. He needed time to sort them out and to recover his energy. But as she focused on him and tried to send him calm, she could feel the bad feeling vibrating in his chest.

Alois watched the way Elin’s pale blue eyes darted around her, on the look out for anyone listening.

‘I don’t understand this,’ she said. ‘How can this be happening?’ She frowned at him. ‘You’re in Paris. I’m in the Arctic. How exactly can we see each other?’

‘I have no more answers than you do,’ he said. ‘But I know we are not mad. I trust what my senses tell me and they tell me I am at once here with you and back in Paris. It may not make sense but there are many aspects of the universe which do not make sense to our minds.’

She looked at him. ‘I always thought that,’ she said, her voice full of wonder. ‘But everyone always told me I was being fanciful.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m not even sure if this is real, you know. I mean, I could be mad. I’ve read about things like this. Out here, with hardly any company and in such harsh conditions, the mind can play funny tricks on you.’

‘Have you ever been to Paris?’ he asked.

She shook her head.

He reached out and took her hand. ‘Then look.’

She blinked, looking around. He was in his flat, on his balcony and they could see the Eiffel Tower in the distance. She looked at it, silently. He watched her. He could practically see the wheels turning in her mind. She was clever, extremely clever. But she was also quiet and meek. They were qualities he enjoyed.

She looked at him. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t but I feel like I can trust you.’

‘Of course you can trust me.’ He turned on his smile and watched her relax. She would trust him. Like Lisette had trusted him.

Will sat on the balcony and looked out over their view. He could hear Gunnar playing and the beautiful music calmed him a little. Riley would be in there, listening to it, letting it wash over her and ground her. She needed her dad’s music.

He wasn’t sure what he needed. He wanted to visit Wolfgang again but he didn’t. He knew he had had his therapy session but felt he hadn’t processed things yet. Will had no desire for another argument, even if it didn’t really come to one. He knew that, if he pushed it, they would have a proper fight and he hated the thought of that.

He was worried about his children. It was his responsibility, as their father, to look after them, to help them understand what was happening. But some of them just would not let him in. Rafael and Teddy were too wrapped up in each other, and Anwar was beginning to understand it already, thanks to his cleverness, and to Niki. But he had other things to focus on, like getting safely to Germany. Mari was helping Tora to understand.

But he was worried about Elin and Alois. It was frustrating that Elin lived so close but she wasn’t there right now, she was off with a load of Sapiens in the Artic, far from help. He kept trying to get through to Alois but the half German, half Frenchman was both wilful and stubborn. He was clever and maybe he had worked it out by himself but he was resisting Will’s visits and Will didn’t understand. It felt like a rejection and he couldn’t bare that.

‘What is it, elskan?’ Riley murmured behind him. He felt her, though she was still in the living room listening to the piano. She stepped up behind him and wrapped her arms around his chest, kissing his shoulder. ‘Are you brooding or sulking?’ she asked, a gentle teasing tone to her voice.

‘Neither. I was trying to connect with Alois but he won’t let me in. I can’t get through to Elin either.’

She kissed his neck tenderly. ‘There’s time. Remember how long it took all of us to connect? And even longer to understand it all.’

‘I know. I had just hoped I could make it easier for them than it was for us.’

‘Maybe it’s supposed to be the way Jonas did it. He had done it before. Maybe it’s better that way, let them work it out by themselves.’ She trailed her hands through his hair. ‘I know you want to protect them but any parent has to learn when to let their children learn something for themselves.’

‘I guess you’re right. But I can’t help being worried, not just about them.’

‘I know,’ she said, gently. ‘But you can’t make Wolfgang feel a certain way about them. He’s not you, and he never will be.’

He turned to look at her. ‘I just want all my family to get on, but he won’t even try.’

She cupped his cheek and met his eyes. ‘Underneath, he’s just frightened. Give him time. He’ll come around, especially if you don’t pressure him.’

Will sighed. ‘I know. It just goes against all my instincts.’

She laughed, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tight. ‘I know, elskan. I know.’


	53. Chapter 53

Wolfgang sat with his daughter on his lap, watching her watch the world around her. She was soft and warm in his arms, propped up against the arm rest of the sofa with his arm supporting her. Her eyes were wide as she took everything in.

He spoke to her in soft German and she turned her attention towards him. He wasn’t normally one for chatter but, with her, he found it easy. He seemed to find everything easy with her. How to hold her, how to talk to and play with her. It all seemed to come naturally to him, as natural as holding a gun had been since his teen years. He’d never imagined parenting would be something he’d have instincts for, but it turned out he did.

He hadn’t talked to Rajan and Kala much since he’d come back his therapy appointment that morning. He sensed they were worried about him but that they didn’t want to pry. He didn’t want them to worry but he was quite glad they weren’t asking yet. He didn’t want to talk about it.

Anika frowned at him, like she knew he was upset.

‘Es ist alles in Ordnung, mein Mäuslein,’ he murmured. ‘Vati’s all right.’ He stroked her cheek with one finger, then combed her dark hair with his fingers. ‘And your Mama and your Papa and I are going to keep you safe. You’re going to have such a happy life, mein Mäuslein. I promise.’

‘We all want to protect her,’ said Will, beside him.

Wolfgang glanced at him, then focused on his daughter. He didn’t know why Will was here but he didn’t want to start a fight.

They sat in silence for a little while, both just watching the baby. She was still looking around curiously.

Wolfgang could feel Will wanted to say something but was nervous, anxious. He supposed his clustermate just didn’t want to start an argument either.

‘What’s his name?’ Wolfgang asked.

‘Hmm?’

‘The one who lives in Paris. What’s his name?’

‘Alois Ricken. Have you decided?’

‘No.’ He glanced over at the kitchen where Rajan was busy cooking. Kala had gone for a nap. ‘They want me to, I think.’ He looked at Will. ‘It’s nothing against you, or them really. I just don’t want to take risks with my family and I’ve already experienced plenty of harm from other sensates.’

‘I know. I do understand that.’ Will sighed. ‘I’ve not come to ask you about that anyway.’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘Then what have you come for? Not that I don’t want to see you.’

Will smiled. ‘Well, I was hoping Riley and I could visit. We want to meet Anika properly, and we could meet Alois face to face while we’re there.’

‘Why do you need to see him face to face anyway? Can’t you connect with him already?’

‘He’d blocking me and I don’t know why. I’m worried something isn’t right with him.’

‘Sounds strong if he’s learned to block you without blockers.’

Will nodded. ‘I suppose some of us are stronger psychically than others, like how I connected with Sara before being birthed.’ He bit his lip. ‘So, can we come? We don’t want to intrude.’

‘You know you’re always welcome.’

‘Thanks.’

‘But I’m still not sure I want to meet him, and I might not be sure then either.’

‘That’s all right. You can see him through me and Riley when we meet him face to face. Maybe you’ll change your mind then.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Maybe.’ 

‘Who you talking to?’ Rajan asked, coming over.

‘Just Will,’ Wolfgang said, though Will had now gone. ‘He’s gone now.’

‘Not on my account, I hope,’ said Rajan, sitting beside him. He leaned over and stroked Anika’s hand. She gurgled at him.

‘No. He’d like to come and visit, him and Riley.’

Rajan nodded, smiling. ‘He’ll want to meet this little lady,’ he said, a smile spreading across his face.

Wolfgang couldn’t help smiling too. Rajan got such a soppy look on his face when he looked at Anika. He knew they all did.

‘He wants to meet the one of his children who lives in Paris.’

Rajan looked at him. ‘This is the one you don’t want to meet?’

‘I haven’t decided if I want to meet any of them. It’s nothing against him specifically.’

Rajan’s brow furrowed in thought and it was a few moments before he spoke again. ‘If they are enemies, what will avoiding meeting them do? Isn’t it better to know your enemy?’

‘Once I meet them, they’d be able to connect with me.’

‘Then go on blockers. Then worked with Corinne, didn’t it? You didn’t connect until you met when neither of you were on blockers.’

‘I suppose.’

‘If everyone else meets them and you don’t even know what they look like, how would you be able to protect us from them?’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘I guess you’re right.’ He glanced at Rajan. ‘Don’t think I don’t know what you just did there.’

Rajan’s lips curled in a slight smile. ‘I just appealed to your nature.’

Wolfgang shook his head, amused, then leaned into him and kissed him softly. ‘You know me too well.’ He sighed. ‘But I want to wait for Will and Riley. It feels safer with more of us there.’

Rajan nodded. ‘That sounds like a sensible precaution.’ He slid his arm around Wolfgang’s shoulders ‘Do you think this worry of yours is anything to do with these nightmares you’ve been having?’

Wolfgang refocused his gaze on his daughter. ‘I don’t really want to talk about that.’

He felt Rajan’s gaze on him, but he didn’t look back at him. Rajan sighed, though there was not a hint of impatience to it. ‘All right,’ he said, softly. ‘As long as you’re talking to Corinne at least. And I’m here if you want to talk to me.’

‘I know.’ He glanced at his spouse. ‘Don’t worry. I’m all right.’

Rajan raised a sceptical eyebrow but didn’t argue.

Anwar’s belly clenched with fear as he climbed into the boat. This time, he’d made sure everyone had a lifejacket, even using some of what little money he had to spare to buy Rasha and Norah lifejackets.

He was proud of his boys. He knew they were frightened but they didn’t fuss and they didn’t cry. He held them each by the hand as they climbed in but Barak held Norah’s hand and all five of them climbed in together.

‘The boat looks fairly seaworthy,’ said a familiar voice beside him.

He looked and saw Alois. The other man’s gaze took in the scene around him, before coming to rest on Anwar’s boys.

‘They’re strong and brave. You’ll get through this together.’

Anwar looked at Alois and found himself in a neat office. Looking around, he saw many books tidy on their shelves and a certificate of medicine in a frame on the wall. It was the only frame in the office. There were no pictures on his walls, or on his desk. In fact there seemed to be nothing in the office that he didn’t need.

‘I have to believe that we can make it to Germany. Trying is better than staying where we were.’

‘Many people have,’ said Alois. ‘Keep your boys close to you and focus only on them.’

‘Rasha and I are going to stick together for a while,’ he said, glancing at the woman who had become his friend since he had saved her daughter.

‘Just remember to put you and your family first. Nothing else matters as much as that.’

Anwar stroked both his sons’ heads. ‘I’ll keep them safe.’

‘What did you say, Baba?’ asked Basir.

‘I said I’m going to keep you safe,’ said Anwar.

Basir shrugged. ‘It sounds like German. One of the big boys taught us some words!’

‘Is that where we’re going?’ asked Barak. ‘I thought we were going to Greece.’

‘We’re taking the boat to Greece, then we have to walk a bit, then we’re taking the train all the way to Germany. We’ll be safe there.’ 

‘I really want to be safe,’ said Basir, leaning against Anwar as the boat cast off into the Mediterranean Sea.

Anwar held his boys close, knowing they had to go into the worst sorts of danger just to find their safety.


	54. Chapter 54

Teddy woke in the large hotel bed, in a warm haze of pleasure with Rafael’s arms around him. He kept his eyes shut, savouring the moment. Last night felt like a dream and he felt like, if he opened his eyes, it would slip away.

Rafael stirred against him, his hand starting to play with his hair, like he knew it felt good. Teddy smiled, nuzzling against his bare shoulder. Rafael’s other hand reached for him, his fingers trailing across his bare chest. His hands were so soft and gentle as they caressed him, his fingertips warm on his skin.

Teddy bravely reached for Rafael, sliding his hands over his slim but well-defined chest. He smoothed his hands over his tawny brown skin, his fingers learning every dip and curve. He looked up to find Rafael’s bright green-brown eyes fixed on him. He felt a spark pass between them, and warmth like there had been last night.

He shifted upwards, so he was face to face with Rafael. They looked at each other for a moment and the warmth inside Teddy was almost more than he could handle. He glanced down.

‘I never do this.’

Rafael touched his cheek in a light, fingertip caress. ‘Never do what?’

‘Stay the night with someone. In fact, I never … I haven’t had much experience at all.’

Rafael leaned into him and kissed his mouth softly. ‘I know. Don’t worry. It’s all right. Everything’s all right.’

Teddy opened his eyes and looked at him. ‘I don’t understand what I’m feeling.’

‘Neither do I,’ murmured Rafael. He cupped Teddy’s shoulders, then trailed his fingers down his biceps. ‘It’s the strangest thing. I feel like I know you, like I can feel what you feel.’

Teddy smiled. ‘It really does feel like a miracle.’

‘I almost wish I didn’t have to carry on the tour.’

‘But you can’t disappoint your fans!’ said Teddy, aghast. ‘It’s Paris next, isn’t it?’

Rafael laughed, an affectionate expression crossing his face. ‘You really are a fan, aren’t you?’

Teddy felt his face getting hot. ‘Yeah. This is the first time I’ve ever made it to a concert though. Work’s always so busy.’

‘What do you do?’

‘I’m a nurse. I work in the A&E department so it’s very busy.’

Rafael smiled. ‘You have such gentle hands. I bet you’re a great nurse.’

‘I try to be.’ He sat up and looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. ‘I really should go. My parents will worry if I don’t get home soon.’ He felt Rafael watching him.

‘I’d like to see you again,’ he said.

Teddy glanced back at him. ‘You live in LA, I live in Liverpool. It’s a bit more than just long distance, isn’t it?’

Rafael shrugged, then looked away. ‘Maldición, you are right. I wish you weren’t.’ He looked at him. ‘I really wish you weren’t.’

Teddy looked into his face and _felt_ how much he meant that. But it was ridiculous. They didn’t even know each other. This feeling … it was just because of the intimacy they had shared the night before. That was all it was. He looked away. He felt Rafael still watching him as he got up and got dressed.

When he was ready, he turned back to the bed. Rafael hadn’t moved but when Teddy looked at him, he got up. He was still naked and Teddy suddenly felt shy, but there was nothing shy about Rafael. He put his arms on Teddy’s shoulders and kissed him softly on the mouth.

‘I had an amazing time with you,’ he murmured, against his mouth. He pulled back and gave Teddy a genuine smile. Teddy felt him push something into his pocket.

‘My number,’ he said. ‘Call me.’

Teddy nodded, though he knew he wouldn’t. Then he pulled away and let himself out of the hotel room. As he closed the door behind him, he thought he felt a wistful sigh against his cheek.

Lito walked hand in hand with Hernando. They’d been out for lunch and were both still surrounded by a happy glow. It felt so good, so wonderful, to just be with each other without fear. They didn’t have to hide. They didn’t have to be careful. They could kiss in the street if they wanted to.

‘Just how big is big, Lito?’ Hernando asked.

Lito giggled. ‘You should know, baby.’

Hernando rolled his eyes. ‘I’m talking about the wedding, Lito. You said you wanted a huge wedding.’

‘Huge, massive, the biggest, most spectacular wedding anyone has ever had anywhere.’

‘And the budget?’

‘There is no budget!’ Lito declared. ‘I told you, I want this to be the best wedding anyone ever had.’

‘I’m not sure you’re going to be able to top mine,’ said Nomi. ‘I mean, we did get married in the Eiffel Tower. That’s pretty special, isn’t it?’

Lito smiled at her. ‘It is but want a big fancy hotel, fantastic outfits, the best food.’

‘All right,’ said Hernando. He pulled Lito to a stop and kissed him tenderly, his hand cupping his cheek. The kiss gave him tingles of pleasure that only Hernando could create in him. ‘If that’s what my love wants, that’s what you will have.’

Lito turned his head and kissed Hernando’s palm. ‘I can’t wait to be married to you.’

Hernando’s eyes sparkled and Lito felt giddy. He had never been happier, not in his whole life. This feeling, this was everything.

The hair on the back of his neck prickled and he pulled away, looking all around them.

Hernando glanced around. ‘What is it?’

Lito shook his head. ‘I do not know. I thought I felt someone watching us.’

‘I can’t see anyone.’

Lito let out a breath. ‘No, nor can I. Maybe it’s just Wolfgang’s paranoia rubbing off on me.’

He didn’t say anything to Hernando but, for a moment, he saw Wolfgang looking gravely at him. He didn’t know if he was really visiting or if it was just Lito’s memory of him, but he did not look calm or relaxed. His brow was heavily furrowed and his shoulders were tight with tension.

This time, the boat seemed more solid but Anwar wasn’t any less worried. He held tightly onto his boys and watched the Greek Island of Lesbos as it slowly appeared out of the dim evening light. This time, the waters were calmer but there were more people packed onto the boat.

Anwar tried not to think about that, trying to focus on his boys, and on Rasha and Norah. Their children were the only ones on the boat, most of the passengers being young adults or older teenagers. He knew he was taking a risk with the children but it had to be better than going back home, had to be better than staying in that refugee camp. He thought about Germany, where he knew they’d be safe. He could make a life for them there and he would help them get there safely. They would all get there safely.

‘You’re not alone,’ said an American voice.

Anwar turned his head and looked beside him. The speaker was a man, maybe a couple of years older than himself. He was white, with dark hair and blue eyes. Anwar had seen him before, that might everything had changed, the night he’d started to feel strange things. He thought he should mistrust him; his experience with Americans wasn’t that good and perhaps he had caused these strange things to happen, but there was such goodness in his eyes that he found he could do nothing but like him.

Actually, it was more than that. He felt a strong affection for him, a love for him almost like … a parent. He had parents, or used to. This was not quite the same, but it was similar. He knew this man, loved him like a parent. Will, that was his name. He was like him.

It was curious, and the shifting sensation made him feel slightly ill, but he could see where Will was as he spoke to him. He was sitting on a balcony, looking over a green landscape with craggy mountains on the horizon. There was piano music in the background.

‘I don’t know how you can help me,’ he murmured.

Will shook his head. ‘I don’t know how I can yet either. But whatever I can do, I will. So will your cluster.’

‘I’m not sure I understand how this works yet, but I can feel them with me, like they are part of me.’

Will smiled. ‘They are. You are all still who you were before, except … you’re one now. You’re a family and you have each other.’

Anwar looked down at his boys, who were dozing. ‘I need whatever help I can get.’

‘Like I said, you’re not alone now.’


	55. Chapter 55

Kala was worried. Since his therapy appointment, Wolfgang had been so quiet and withdrawn. It had been a few days since then and he’d barely spoken, unless it had to do with the baby. She had tried to ask him about meeting the new cluster, and so had Rajan but he refused to even talk about it. She knew he sensed how frustrated she was feeling with him about that, but she sensed there was more than that to his mood. He was just so stubborn; it was like trying to convince a rock to talk to you.

She woke early, as she was getting used to doing with Anika, to find Wolfgang wasn’t there. Rajan was sat up in bed beside her, reading his book. Anika wasn’t there either but Kala could feel the warmth of her against her, against Wolfgang’s chest, and she knew she was content.

She sat up and leaned against her husband. Rajan put her arm around her waist and dropped a kiss into her hair.

‘Good morning, my love,’ he murmured.

She slid her arm around his waist and held on tight to him. ‘Good morning.’

‘Wolfie’s got Anika. He said he’ll bring her when she needs feeding.’

‘I know,’ she said, flatly.

He pulled back and looked at her face. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘I’m worried about him. He seems … down.’

‘He’s happy enough when he’s with Anika, but … I know what you mean. Do you think it’s the dreams he’s having?’

‘How am I supposed to know when he won’t talk about them? He’s so bloody stubborn.’

Rajan laughed. ‘Yes, but we knew that when we fell in love with him.’

She looked up at him. ‘Will’s upset with him, though he tries not to show it, because he won’t talk about the new cluster, and Will’s so excited about them, so keen for us all to know them. I’m worried they’ll just argue when Will and Riley come to visit.’

‘Maybe that’s what they need, a good argument.’ 

‘Maybe.’ She pulled away. ‘Anika’s going to need feeding soon. I’d better get ready to face the day.’

After she’d been to the bathroom and got dressed, Kala made her way downstairs. She smiled as she reached the living room and heard Wolfgang singing softly in German. She stopped and just watched him. He seemed so full of pure and simple happiness when he was with Anika. When he held her in his arms, this feeling of contentment washed over him and she knew how much he loved her already. If only he felt that content the rest of the time.

‘Good morning,’ she said, softly.

He stopped singing and looked over at her. He smiled. ‘Good morning. I was just going to call you for her feed. I think she’s about ready.’

‘I thought she was.’ She crossed to the sofa and sat down. He brought the baby to her and she settled her in her arms and started to feed her. Wolfgang sat next to her, his eyes on Anika’s face.

She glanced at him. The way he looked at Anika made it difficult to tell there was anything wrong but she could feel it, underneath. If not for their connection, she wasn’t sure she would have been able to tell. ‘I don’t suppose you want to talk to me, do you?’

He frowned at her. ‘What do you mean?’

‘About why you’ve been so down lately these past few days. If you would talk to me, maybe I could help.’

He shook his head, looking away. ‘You can’t help.’

She huffed impatiently. ‘How would you know if you won’t try.’

A deep frown settled on his face and he kept his gaze studiously away from her. ‘I just know.’

Kala felt a surge of frustrated anger in her and she took a deep breath, trying to keep herself calm. Anika finished her feed and Kala tugged her shirt back into place and held her daughter upright to wind her. Focusing on the warm weight of her baby in her arms helped to calm her.

She glanced up and saw that Will was visiting. He was biting his lip and looking at Wolfgang. Wolfgang didn’t look up. He either hadn’t noticed him or Will wasn’t visiting him.

Kala looked at Will and he looked back at her.

‘How is he?’ Will asked.

Kala visited Will and found him in bed, Riley beginning to wake up next to him. ‘Sullen and moody. And so bloody stubborn I could just …’ She trailed off as her voice rose to a frustrated shout. She growled with frustration. Riley sat up, a little bleary-eyed but fully focused on Kala.

‘His usual self then,’ she said, gently. She smiled at the baby in Kala’s arms. ‘She’s grown already.’

Kala looked down at Anika and felt her anger fizzle out a little as a rush of love overwhelmed her. ‘I just wish he would talk to me.’

‘He doesn’t even want me to visit,’ said Will. ‘I tried before but he wouldn’t let me in.’

‘I don’t know why he’s so paranoid about the new cluster,’ said Kala. ‘He won’t even talk about them.’

‘Another of them is going to be in Paris this weekend,’ said Will. ‘Maybe you want to meet him. I’m worried about him because I don’t think he’s realised what’s happened yet.’

‘I don’t think I should go behind Wolfgang’s back.’

‘You don’t need to,’ said Riley. ‘Just tell him that’s what you want to do. Take blockers if you’re nervous.’

‘I’m not nervous. I want to meet all of them.’ She looked between Will and Riley’s anxious faces. ‘I’ll talk to Wolfgang, but if he can’t be persuaded … well, I’ll just have to do what I think is right. He’s not in charge of what I do.’

Riley smiled a little. ‘You’re more than a match for him at being stubborn.’

Will reached out and stroked Kala’s arm. ‘If you need help, get Oma to come and see him.’

Kala laughed. ‘Yes, she is more stubborn than both of us put together.’

‘Who are you talking to?’ Wolfgang asked.

Kala turned her head and she was back in the room with Wolfgang. ‘Will and Riley.’

‘Talking about me, I guess,’ he said, sullenly.

‘They’re worried about you, like I am.’

He looked up and she felt the guilt pulse through him. ‘Are they all right? Is Will all right?’

‘He’s hurting, Wolfgang. He loves the new cluster so much and he just wants to share that with all of us.’

He looked at her for a moment, then sighed. ‘You want to meet them, don’t you?’

She nodded. ‘I think we should.’

‘Fine,’ he snapped. ‘Do what you want.’ He got up and headed out to the balcony. She watched him as he leaned against the railing and stared out.

She looked down at Anika, who was watching where Wolfgang had gone. ‘It’s okay, Anika,’ Kala murmured. ‘Vati’s just a bit upset.’

She looked up as she heard Rajan’s footsteps. ‘What’s going on?’

Kala sighed, standing up. ‘Will you take Anika for a minute?’

‘Sure,’ said Rajan, taking the baby as Kala passed her over. ‘Is everything all right?’

‘It will be,’ said Kala, going after Wolfgang.

He glanced at her when she walked up next to him. ‘I said do what you want, didn’t I? I’m not going to stop you seeing whoever the hell you want.’

She battled two sides of herself. One side wanted to rant and yell at Wolfgang, vent all her frustrations and bloody make him see sense. The other wanted to talk logically and calmly and help him understand.

With great effort, she went with the second one. ‘Will says Rafael Moreno is coming here on tour this weekend. He’s a member of the new cluster. Will would like us to go and meet him.’

He let out a long breath and focused on his clasped hands on the railing. ‘I suppose we have to meet them sometime. I just … I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.’ He looked at her. ‘If I lost you … I’m not sure I could cope with that.’

She reached for him, rubbing her back gently, before letting her fingers come to rest on the nape of his neck. ‘Wolfgang, I could get knocked down crossing the road. You can’t live your life trying to protect me from every possible threat. I wouldn’t want you to do that.’ She trailed her fingers through his hair and he closed his eyes under the caress.

‘We’ll go on blockers and just see. I don’t think there is any danger from a soft pop singer.’

He shrugged, opening his eyes to look at her. ‘You never know.’ He sighed. ‘Okay, I’m being paranoid, I know. I just want to protect my family.’

She cupped the back of his neck and brought him close for a kiss. ‘I know, and I love you for that,’ she murmured against his mouth. She smiled as he gazed at her, his pale blue eyes soft with love. ‘And if you’re around, we’ll always be safe.’

He didn’t speak, just wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He didn’t need to apologise. He didn’t need to tell her he loved her. She could feel all those things and more from him.


	56. Chapter 56

Teddy shut his front door behind him and sighed. He missed Rafael already. It was ridiculous. He didn’t know the man really, only his public persona, only one night together, yet it felt like they had made such a connection.

No, there was no point in thinking about it. There was just that one night and that was the end of it.

His mum came out of the kitchen. ‘There you are,’ she said. ‘Have you had breakfast?’

He shook his head. ‘No, is there any going?’

She beamed at him. ‘Of course. Come on, let’s get you filled up. Have you got a hangover?’

He laughed. ‘No, I didn’t really drink. We just crashed out after the concert.’

She gave him a look. ‘It was good though? I know how much you like that Rafael Moreno. Was he good?’

Teddy smiled. ‘He was perfect.’

She smiled, then turned back to the kitchen. ‘Good, now come on through and eat something. Mickey’s dying to hear all about it before he heads off to school.’

He went through and sat at the table. He told Mickey a few things about the concert as he ate but Mickey wasn’t quite as interested their mum had said and mostly wanted to talk about his favourite band. Teddy just smiled and ate bacon and eggs as his little brother chattered on, but his mind was back with Rafael. He could still feel the echo of the kisses they’d shared. It was so real, he couldn’t believe it wasn’t happening in that moment.

Rafael stayed in his hotel suite in Manchester for most of the day. He usually did this after a show; he needed to relax and recuperate in order to get ready to travel to the next one. Normally, he slept and ate, then later he put on some music and danced around, before he went out, usually to pick someone up.

But today, he didn’t want to go out. Why should he? How could he when his mind was already on someone? His next show was in three days and he was setting off for Paris in the morning and for the first time in his life, he didn’t want to move on. He wanted to stay. He wanted to see Teddy again.

It was late morning and he went out onto his balcony in just a pair of lounge pants. It was a bright day and the sun was warm on his bare skin. He turned his face up into it, closing his eyes just to feel it.

‘Gorgeous day, isn’t it?’

Rafael started, opening his eyes and glancing around him. He could see no one there. Maybe he had imagined it. The voice sounded familiar to him and, with a start, he remembered the ghost. No, he had said he wasn’t a ghost.

‘Are you Will?’ he asked.

That same man, the one he’d seen before he’d had that horrible migraine, appeared before him. Literally just appeared in what had been empty space just a second ago.

He had a friendly, open face and he was smiling. ‘Will Gorski,’ he said.

Rafael stared, blinking hard. ‘You’re … you’re a real actual person? Are you sure you’re not a ghost?’

‘Pretty sure, since I’m alive and well in Iceland. I’ve been trying to talk to you for a while but …’ He grinned. ‘You’ve been busy.’

Rafael shook his head. ‘This is … I can’t believe this. My Abuelita would say you’re a demon.’

Will laughed. ‘A friend of mine was told that once. He’s now married to the person who said it.’

‘How are you here?’

‘It’s complicated and I’m not sure you’ll believe me, but you’ve been feeling strange things lately, haven’t you?’

‘My whole life is strange.’ He turned away. ‘Look, I don’t have time to talk to ghosts or demons or whatever you are. I’m on a tour and I have things to do.’

‘This is important, Rafi.’

Rafael looked sharply at him. ‘Why do you think you can call me that?’

‘I know you,’ Will said softly.

Rafael shook his head. ‘No, you don’t. Nobody does. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like you to leave. Just go away and leave me alone. I haven’t got time to be going mad right now and seeing things everywhere.’

‘Rafi…’

‘Please. Go now.’

Will looked helplessly at him for a moment, then disappeared. Rafi covered his face with his hands and breathed in deep. He could not go mad. He couldn’t go to that place. He knew what happened if you let your mind go.

He thought about Teddy, about the comfort of his warmth against him. He thought about the pleasure of those strong but gentle hands on him and, for a moment, the memory was so strong, he could almost feel as though they were together again.

‘Wolfie!’ Felix cried, jumping into his arms as soon as Wolfgang opened the door to him. Wolfgang laughed, catching his friend as he always did, as his friend always caught him.

‘Come on then,’ Felix said, sliding back down until his feet were on the floor. ‘Where’s my niece.’

Wolfgang grinned, warmth filling him at Felix’s choice of words. He was exactly right. If anyone was Anika’s uncle, Felix was.

‘Kala’s got her. Come on, you can have a cuddle.’

He shut the door behind Felix, then led him across to the living area. Kala was on the sofa, with Anika on her lap. Anika’s head control was starting to get good and she was propped against Kala’s chest, having a good look around.

Felix’s face softened the moment he saw her and he punched Wolfgang on the shoulder. ‘She’s gorgeous.’

Wolfgang beamed. ‘I know.’

Felix sat down beside Kala. ‘I hope Wolfie’s looking after you.’

Kala smiled warmly. ‘We’re all taking our turn and getting plenty of sleep. Do you want to hold her?’

Felix nodded. ‘I’m not so used to babies but yeah.’

‘It’s easy,’ said Rajan. ‘Just support her head and her bottom. The rest takes care of itself.’

Felix sat back and Kala placed her daughter in his arms. His face got even soppier as he gazed at her. ‘Hey, Ani,’ he said. ‘I’m your Uncle Felix and if you ever need to sneak back home after curfew, you come to me.’

Wolfgang laughed, knowing that was Felix’s way of saying he would be there for her.

A little later, when Kala had taken Anika back to feed her and Rajan had started making dinner, Felix grabbed hold of Wolfgang and strong-armed him outside onto the balcony. He shut the door behind them before he lit a cigarette and leaned against the railing.

‘So?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘What?’

‘How you really coping?’

Wolfgang looked away. Typical of Felix to get right to the point.

‘Ah, I see.’

‘No, it’s not … Everything’s fine with the baby. I’m her Vati and I’m doing well, I think. We’re working together, as a team like always.’

‘But?’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘How do you always…’ He trailed off and leaning against the railing, looking out over Paris. ‘There’s all this other stuff happening as well. Will’s birthed a new cluster and they all think I’m being paranoid because I want to be cautious about meeting them.’

‘You’re afraid they’re going to be like Whispers or Lila then?’

‘I guess so.’

Felix took a drag on his cigarette, giving him a searching look. ‘Well, I’m with you, brother, I mean, why do you need anyone else, right? Like it’s always been just you and me and mothing good ever came of trusting anyone else, did it?’

Wolfgang gave him a look. ‘All right, I know what you’re saying. What if I never trusted my cluster.’

‘You’d probably be dead by now. So would I probably. You never would have made it out of your uncle’s house without them, would you? Not to mention all that BPO shit.’

‘I just want to protect my family.’

‘And you will, no matter who this new cluster are.’ He took a few more drags in silence, before he looked again at him. ‘Don’t go back to how you were before, Wolfie. Let yourself trust.’ He stubbed out his cigarette and put an arm around Wolfgang’s shoulders. ‘It’s not just you and me against the world anymore, brother. And that’s a fucking good thing, right?’

Wolfgang didn’t say anything, just leaned into his friend’s familiar embrace. It was an embrace that had saved him so many times, had kept him sane in the worst of times. For all Felix went on about how he’d be dead without his cluster, and he knew it was true, it was also true that he’d be dead without Felix. So if there was one person he trusted to keep him on the right path, it was Felix.

The moment Anwar stepped safely onto dry land again, was the moment he breathed properly again for the first time. But they were not safe yet. They are on the Greek Island of Lesbos but this is not their sanctuary.

His boys were with him. He had kept them safe and together. Rasha was with them too, and little Norah. They had agreed to stick together as long as they could.

‘Baba, are we in Greece yet?’ asked Basir.

‘Shush, boys, we have to be really quiet now.’

They left their life jackets behind and moved away from the boats. It was dark, so dark they could barely see each other’s faces. That night, the needed to camp and wait for the morning to come. Then they will be able to get onto the ferry to the mainland and one more stage of their journey would be over.

‘You are not alone,’ said Will in his ear.

But it was Niki who helped them find their way through the dark, to a safe place to camp for the night. She even helped him light a fire.

‘I’ve been camping a lot,’ she said, her voice full of warmth. ‘My grandfather used to take me and Kiri when we were young. It’s a shame you don’t have marshmallows.’

He smiled at her as he held his sleeping boys close to him. Her voice was light but he could feel the feeling behind them and he knew she cared. It felt good to have someone care about him, someone for whom he was not responsible.

‘Get some sleep,’ she said. ‘You’ll need it.’

He nodded, closing his eyes and allowing himself to drift off, knowing that she was watching over him.


	57. Chapter 57

Wolfgang woke with a sudden horrible jerk in the pit of his stomach. His instinct was to turn into Kala or Rajan but they were both fast asleep, as was Anika and he didn’t want to disturb any of them.

He slipped out of bed, pulled on some jogging pants and went out onto the balcony. He clenched his fists, trying to stop his hands from shaking. It didn’t really work. He looked out onto into the night, trying to focus his mind. He hated this. He felt weak and helpless and he hated it. He rested his arms on the railing and clasped his hands together tightly. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to push the images out of his mind.

When would this stop? Him and his stupid fucking brain. He couldn’t stand it anymore. Why couldn’t it just fucking end?’

‘Are you all right?’

He glanced up at the soft voice and saw Kala beside him, in just her nightgown. ‘You shouldn’t be out here, it’s too cold.’

She smiled a little. ‘I’m just visiting.’

She slid her arm around his waist and he closed his eyes as he felt her soft warmth against him. ‘Did you have a nightmare?’

He didn’t answer but unclenched his hands and settled one arm around her shoulders. Although she wasn’t really there, he could feel her as strongly as though she were really there.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked.

‘Not really.’ He turned his face into her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and breathing her in. She held him tight and rubbed his back.

‘You know it would help if you talked about them.’

He sighed, turning more into her. ‘I know but that’s something I can’t do. Not with you.’

She pulled back to look at his face, then reached up and touched his cheek gently. ‘Come back to bed, love,’ she murmured in soft Hindi.

He turned away. ‘I don’t want to bring my bad feelings in there.’

She took his hand and tugged firmly on it. ‘Let us help you chase it away. Come on.’

Reluctantly he let her lead him back inside. As he passed from balcony to bedroom and shut the door behind him, the part of Kala beside him disappeared and her warm gaze met his from the bed. Rajan was awake, propped up on his elbow and he gave Wolfgang a gentle smile. The love in his eyes was clear to see.

Wolfgang slid off his jogging bottoms, leaving just his boxers and climbed back into bed with them. Under the covers, their hands reached for him. He closed his eyes as he felt their gentle caresses across his chest and stomach. Kala kissed his jaw and trailed her fingers across his lips. Rajan’s breath was hot on his neck as his hand smoothed across his pecs.

He focused on them, the feel of them and the scent of them. Their touches were so gentle and loving, he could feel he was losing himself in them. Kala’s hand trailed down his stomach, lingering on the little scar just below his navel. That little scar was evidence of what he would do for them. He would protect them always, like he had then.

Rajan combed his hand through his hair, caressing the strands lovingly. Wolfgang turned into him and received a gentle kiss on his mouth. Kala pressed herself against his side and the silk of her nightgown caressed his skin. Pleasure thrummed through him as their warmth surrounded them.

He let out a breath, like he’d been holding it for a while. A feeling of safety enveloped him and he could feel just how much he was loved. This was what he needed. They were what he needed.

‘Love you,’ he murmured, to them both.

‘Love you,’ they both murmured back.

He slid his arms around their waists and held him to him. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, keeping his eyes closed. ‘I’ll meet them and I’ll try to stop being such a prick.’

Rajan laughed gently. ‘We love you even when you’re being a bit …’

‘Stubborn,’ put in Kala, gently.

Wolfgang chuckled, holding them firmly against him. Yes, they were what he needed. He looked at them both in turn, drinking them in. Then he lay back and closed his eyes, allowing himself to drift off into a safe sleep, with his lovers around him.

Elin woke with a painful emptiness in her chest. She turned over in her narrow bunk and tried to banish the feeling. She’d dreamt about her brother. Erik had been so real in the dream, she could almost feel the warmth of his hand in hers, she could almost see the brightness of his smile.

But with wakeful, came the realisation. He was gone and she wasn’t ever getting him back.

She started as she felt a gentle hair brushing back her hair. ‘What’s wrong?’ murmured a soft voice.

She looked up and suddenly, she wasn’t in her narrow bunk anymore. She was in a large double bed, with silk sheets, and Alois was lying beside her. His hand was in her hair, smoothing back stray strands.

‘I … just had a dream.’

‘Tell me,’ he said, his voice a soft but authoritative command.

‘My brother. He’s missing. I dream about him sometimes.’

‘You must miss him a lot,’ said Alois. ‘I don’t have any siblings so I can’t even imagine.’

‘We were twins. We are twins. We were always so different but we were never apart. He disappeared the first time he left Iceland.’

‘That’s terrible,’ said Alois. ‘And you never found out what happened to him?’

‘Never. We searched for years but there was never any trace of him.’

‘Sometimes, people do disappear. They just decide they want a new life and off they go.’

Elin frowned, sitting up a little. ‘He didn’t … he can’t have left on purpose. He wouldn’t worry us like that.’

‘Oh, of course,’ said Alois placatingly. ‘I didn’t mean anything by that. It’s just … well, most missing people decide to go missing. And it’s funny, I can see this memory of yours, of him telling you goodbye, that he had to go and do something.’

Elin frowned, hurt balling in her chest at that idea. Could Erik really have chosen to go missing? Why would he do that? Didn’t he love them anymore? Didn’t he love her?’

Alois put his arm around her and brought her close to his chest. It was a little strange at first and she didn’t expect him to be so familiar but, after a moment, she relaxed into it. Alois was only trying to comfort her. He was a good, kind person. 

The ferry was a very different sort of boat ride. Anwar stood and watched the waves crashing far below them, yet could hardly even feel the movement. The children ran around, giddy with excitement after a full night’s sleep in the woods the night before. Anwar fought his own fatigue, thinking forward to that moment when he would step into Germany and be safe.

Rasha stood beside him, watching her daughter run around and play with his sons. ‘I cannot believe how much energy they have,’ she said, smiling. But then her smile faded. ‘It won’t be so easy getting into Hungary, will it?’

He shook his head. ‘No, it won’t.’ He glanced at her. ‘But don’t worry. You won’t be alone. We’ll all stick together.’

She smiled gratefully but he was grateful to her as well. Just to have another adult with him, another person to be responsible, made everything just a little bit easier. Between them they carried what would hopefully be enough food to last them and the worry shared between them lightened their burden considerably. 

There were many parts of the journey that worried him, but that was for the future. He just had to focus on one step at a time. He was determined that he would get through him. That they all would.

_Soft hands on his skin, the familiar comfort of another body against his. The grip on him is firm and sure, but so soft and loving. It is too much and not enough all at the same time._

_Their kisses are full of passion, sending tingles of pleasure through their bodies. He can feel pleasure reflecting back at him. It is all around him and he wants more. He wants to devour it._

_Soft warm skin beneath his hands, a fast heartbeat, hot, heavy breathing on his cheek. They move together. They are one._

_He looks into the face of his lover, a new face but one he already knows so well. A face that makes his heart skip a beat, a face he loves._

Rafael opened his eyes and smiled as he felt the residual warmth tingling through his body. _Oh Teddy_ , he thought. Oh, how he wished he could be with him again.

These feelings were new to Rafi, but he wasn’t frightened of them. He knew how he felt. He was completely sure.

But at the same time, there was the sadness, because he knew they could not be together again. The distance was too great. It was insurmountable. He wanted it not to be. He wanted to just go and find Teddy and whisk him away to LA with him. But he knew that wasn’t going to happen.

He turned over and realised it was morning. He should get up. He had a plane to catch. But he didn’t want to get up yet. He wanted to just savour the moment for a little while longer. It had felt so real, every moment of it had felt as though it were happening to him right in that moment.

Teddy turned over in his bed at the sound of his alarm. Blindly, he turned it off and tried to get back to his dream. It had felt so real, so vivid. He wasn’t used to having dreams like that. It was always the best dreams that got interrupted.

It was a Friday and, as he lay there, he heard his little brother get up and start crashing around getting ready. It was no good. The dream was well and truly gone and he was wide awake. He opened his eyes and looked across at the poster on his wall. Rafael Moreno. A few days ago, he’d been an aloof, though much admired celebrity. Teddy had known his voice, known his face. He’d admired him. His music had made him happy.

But now, Teddy knew him in a different way. He knew his body. He knew the soft mews of pleasure that escaped his mouth when he made love. He knew his scent. He knew his taste. He knew _him_.

Except, he didn’t. One night didn’t mean anything really. One night was just that, just one night. Rafael was still just a poster on his wall and a thought in his head.

But _oh_ , he wanted so much more. He wanted to give him pleasure, make him happy. He wanted to give him everything. He wanted him to be real.

But he wasn’t. Not for Teddy. Not past that one night.


	58. Chapter 58

Mari headed out towards the train station with her rucksack on her back and Eowyn trotting by her side. She had her headphones on, the soft music blocking out the world’s noise around her. There were so many people as she walked through Cardiff bay towards the city centre, all pressing so close. She hated it.

‘I hate it too,’ said Tora.

Mari looked at her and smiled. She was in Tokyo, in Tora’s favourite park, with Reo walking between them. ‘It’s much more peaceful here.’

Tora smiled. ‘It’s late afternoon here. It’ll be quiet until the rush hour. I always come here to walk Reo at this time. Where are you going?’

‘To see my mam. Eowyn and I will go on a few walks as well, get away from the noise of the city for a while.’

‘Are you close to your mother?’

‘Yeah, it’s just us so … well, it was until she started seeing this new bloke at Christmas.’

‘You don’t like him?’

‘He’s okay, I guess. He’s just a bit … loud.’

‘It’s strange. I feel like I know things about you without being told. I know your dad died in a car crash, yet you have never told me.’

‘It’s the connection, I think. We can see each other’s memories if we want to, if we both let it happen.’

‘It’s a strange sensation. I can feel the grief of other people, without ever having to experience it myself. I can feel your grief for your dad, Rafael’s for his parents and his grandfather. I can feel how much Elin misses her brother and the raw, burning grief Anwar feels for his wife.’

‘I can feel it too. I can feel them all.’ She frowned. ‘Though Alois keeps his cards close to his chest, doesn’t he?’

‘Maybe he just doesn’t have many secrets.’

‘No. He has secrets. He just wants to keep them to himself. Have you visited him yet?’

Tora shook her head. ‘No. He is very closed. Maybe he’s shy or reserved.’

‘Maybe,’ said Mari. ‘I just want to get to know everyone properly.’

‘I’m not sure we could avoid it if we tried,’ said Tora. ‘These connections, this information about each other just seems to come in a rush.’

‘It’s a lot to cope with,’ said Mari. ‘A bit of sensory overload but I think we’ll get used to it.’

‘The other clusters must have.’

Mari looked at her. ‘How many clusters do you think there are?’

Tora shrugged. ‘More than a handful.’ She smiled. ‘You’re the private investigator, aren’t you?’

Mari laughed. ‘I’ll see what I find out.’ 

Anika had been fussy all day. She’d been fed, lots, she’d had a kick around on her playmat, a bounce in her bouncy seat and plenty of naps. She’d been rocked and sung to and read to. But she was still fussy.

Kala flopped down on the sofa, exhausted. ‘She can’t still be hungry!’ she said, as Anika wailed.

Rajan was walking up and down with her, murmuring softly to her in Hindi, but she was still crying.

Kala looked across at Wolfgang. He’d been antsy too today, without a clear reason. He’d taken his turn with Anika but it hadn’t helped either of them. His brow furrowed and his temples pulsed with tension. She could feel his anxiety and she knew what was causing it but she didn’t know how to help. At that moment, he was sitting on a chair, leaning forward with his hands clenched between his knees. His jaw worked constantly and she could feel his anxiety coming off him in waves. Was it possible Anika was picking up on his mood?

‘Maybe some fresh air would help,’ she said, looking at Wolfgang.

He didn’t look back at her. She glanced at Rajan, whose eyebrows lifted.

‘Right,’ said Rajan, with an authority she rarely saw from him. ‘Wolfie, take Anika out for a walk. The fresh air would do you both good.’

Wolfgang looked up, startled. ‘What?’

‘You’re a ball of tension and so is she, so walk it off and get some fresh air. And Kala, you need a rest and maybe a nap.’

They both looked blankly at him for a moment, then Wolfgang got up and went to get his shoes on. When he was ready to take the baby, Rajan looked at him and gave him a kiss. ‘Maybe go and see Oma. She always helps you feel better.’

Wolfgang nodded, then tied Anika snugly against his chest with the wrap. Immediately, the wailing started to calm to a bit of fussing and Wolfgang left.

Wolfgang’s heart had been jumping all day. He knew why but he didn’t want to think about it. It was easier to push it away. Besides, he had enough to worry about in preparing to meet a member of Will’s cluster. He enjoyed Rafael Moreno’s music and he’d watched a few interviews of his. As far as he could tell, there was no bad side to him. He didn’t give Wolfgang any bad feelings so he guessed he was probably a safe person to meet.

But still, Wolfgang couldn’t help being nervous. It wasn’t surprising considering what had happened to him as a result of meeting previous clusters. But he had to get over it and just do it, for Will’s sake. He really didn’t want to hurt Will and he knew he had already. Well no more.

As he got outside, he took a long deep breath in. Anika was snuggled against his chest and he could already feel her presence calming him. He dipped his head and placed a kiss on the top of her head, breathing in her scent as he did so. It was a scent that had become so familiar to him, as familiar as that of his spouses and just as loved. He would do absolutely anything for her.

He started to walk and he could feel her calming down as well. She gazed wide-eyed at her surroundings and he could feel her contentment. The feel of her mind reminded him of the early days of the cluster, just bursts of emotion and instinct coming through. He didn’t know much about how things were between normal parents and their children, never mind Sensate parents. Nobody knew much actually. Nomi had told him that. There hadn’t been much research on it. Had a child even been born of two sensates before? Maybe not.

To him, it didn’t really matter. Nomi and Kala and Will all had a burning curiosity to find out more about the sensate experience, but things like that didn’t really matter to him. All he cared about was his own experience, and that of the people he loved. He didn’t care if there were millions of sensates out there. All he needed was his own family, his own loved ones. That was it.

He walked to Oma’s flat. It wasn’t far but the short walk was enough to calm him and Anika somewhat. She dozed against his chest, making delicate sucking movements with her mouth in her light sleep. He smiled. Dreaming about food and Kala. She was definitely his kid.

He felt a flutter in his belly at that thought. He hadn’t wanted her to be his, had desperately wanted her to be Rajan’s but … now she was here, he couldn’t wish it any other way. Maybe it was even better this way. He could create something wonderful. Something good and beautiful could come from the Bogdanows. But he was also so glad that she wasn’t a Bogdanow. She was a Rasal. Her Papa was the sweetest, kindest, most trustworthy man he knew and exactly who she deserved looking out for her. And Wolfgang would do his best for her too.

‘She really is beautiful.’

Wolfgang glanced at Riley walking beside him. She didn’t look back at him; her attention was focused on the baby.

‘Looking at her, I almost think I could …’

‘I know. She’s sort of … healing, isn’t she?’

Riley looked up at him and smiled. ‘She is. I can’t wait to really hold her.’

‘Come soon,’ he said. ‘I think Will will feel better when he’s here.’

She gave him one of her brilliant smiles. ‘We’ll come soon.’ She leaned in and kissed his cheek. ‘Don’t bottle things up,’ she murmured. ‘You know it doesn’t help.’

Then she was gone and he continued his journey to Oma’s alone with his daughter.

_‘_ Mäuschen! How wonderful to see you! Oh, and you’ve brought my precious little one as well.’

‘Hallo, Oma. You don’t mind us dropping in?’

‘Of course not.’ She stood back. ‘Come in. Would you like a drink?’

‘Yeah, maybe an orange juice.’

‘Coming right up.’ She shut the door and bustled off to the kitchen area. He followed, sitting down on the sofa and undoing the wrap. Anika had woken up and was looking around.

Oma quickly returned to him. She put the orange juice down on the coffee table and sat down next to him. ‘Is she awake enough for a little cuddle?’

He smiled and passed Anika over. Oma was an expert at this and she quickly had Anika settled happily in her arms. Then Oma looked at him.

‘How’s the wobble?’ she asked.

He smiled. ‘Still happening.’

She nodded. ‘I thought so. You look a little wound up.’

He realised his leg was bouncing and he made an effort to still it. ‘Just a bit nervous,’ he said. ‘I’ve said I’ll meet one of Will’s cluster and I do want to but …’

‘You don’t know if you can trust them.’

‘He seems harmless enough. He’s a singer. Quite famous.’

‘Ooh, what’s his name?’

‘Rafael Moreno.’

‘Ooh, he’s lovely! What a voice he has and he seems so nice in his interviews. Heart of gold. Do you know he does all sorts of things for his community? He sponsors several children in care and he’s built a community garden and a youth centre in his old neighbourhood.’

Wolfgang raised his eyebrows. ‘How do you know so much about him?’

‘I may be getting on a bit, Mäuschen but even older women like something pretty to look at.’

‘He is attractive, I suppose.’

‘Of course he is. Now, you can’t be worried about meeting him. He’s so lovely.’

‘Well, no, not him exactly. That’s what I mean. There’s nothing to worry about yet I’m still worried.’

‘What are you worried about, Mäuschen?’

‘I want to keep my family safe. There are so many dangers out in the world, Oma. I just want to keep them safe.’

‘And you will. You’d never let anything happen to any of them.’ She reached out and stroked his cheek. ‘You’ve been through so much, but you are strong, and so is your family. You’ve got all those people to support you. You don’t have to do it all on your own. Now, when are you meeting the lovely Rafael?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Tomorrow.’

‘Then I’ll come with you and so will Felix. It’s not just up to you to protect your family. We’re with you too.’

Wolfgang leaned into her and she hugged him with her free arm. ‘Love you, Oma,’ he murmured.

Oma kissed the top of his head. ‘I love you too, mein Mäuschen.’ Then she kissed Anika too. ‘And I love you, mein Mäuslein.’

Wolfgang closed his eyes and allowed a feeling of contentment to wash over him. He knew it was both his and his daughter’s.


	59. Chapter 59

When Wolfgang had gone, Rajan went to Kala. He reached out and took her hand. ‘Come on, my love. You need to have a rest.’

She stifled a yawn. ‘I am exhausted. But … Wolfgang …’

‘Wolfgang will be fine. He’s probably already feeling better being out in the fresh air. That’ll go for both of them.’

Kala felt for Wolfgang and saw that it was true. Riley was walking with him and he seemed much steadier already. She looked at Rajan. ‘He _is_ already feeling better.’

‘Good,’ said Rajan, with a soft smile. ‘Then come upstairs and have a nap. He’ll come back when she needs feeding.’ He gave her hand a gentle tug and pulled her to her feet.

‘I suppose I could use a nap.’

‘Come on then. I’ll even give you a massage if you like.’

She smiled, letting him lead her towards the stairs. ‘That would be nice.’

A few minutes later, they were in bed, stripped down to their underwear and both sighing contentedly as they lay down. Kala closed her eyes as she felt the warmth of Rajan’s chest against her back. He held her for a moment, then his hands started moving gently over her skin, working out the knots in her muscles. She relaxed into him, knowing this wasn’t about sex. She did miss sex, in a way, but at the same time, she didn’t really want it right now. She knew her body needed to recover physically but it was also about learning to use her body as someone’s mother, as well as someone’s lover.

Neither Wolfgang nor Rajan had pushed and she knew they wouldn’t. For the three of him, sex wasn’t just about reaching orgasm. It was a bond between the two of them and they wouldn’t want it until she was ready for it again. She just hoped it didn’t take her too long. She did miss it.

‘All right?’ Rajan asked, his breath warm against her ear.

She sighed into him, settling back against his warmth. ‘I can’t believe how tired I am.’

He put his arms around her. ‘I know. I wish we could give you more sleep.’

She smiled. ‘You do lots already. I mean, the only thing I have to do at night is feed her, so I get good blocks of sleep.’

There was a pause and she could feel him hesitating. ‘I know you’re worried about Wolfgang,’ he said. ‘So am I. He’s … even more paranoid than he used to be. Do you think … do you think it’s something to do with becoming a father. Is he really struggling, do you think?’

‘I don’t know. It is … normal, I suppose, to be wary about new clusters, especially after all he, all we, went through. And he has agreed to start meeting them now. Maybe he’ll feel better after that.’ She glanced at him. ‘I can understand him being protective. I feel the same thing. I just don’t know if it goes further than that.’

‘I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see,’ said Rajan. ‘And hope that he talks, if not to us than to Corinne.’

She turned into him, resting her head on his chest. ‘I just wish I could take all his worries away.’ She smiled. ‘Though, he’s so good with Anika. He seems to have put his worries about that behind him.’

‘Yes, it does seem so.’ He stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head. ‘Let us get some sleep now, my love, while we can.’ He pulled the sheets over them and they both settled into sleep.

Wolfgang returned to a quiet apartment. He reached for Kala and smiled when he found himself looking at his spouses cuddled up in bed together, fast asleep. He glanced down at his daughter, still snuggled up against his chest in her wrap.

‘Looks like your mama and papa are having a well-deserved nap. Are you hungry yet?’

In answer, she just looked back at him, drooling a bit but not rooting or chewing her fist.

‘Guess not. Wie geht es der Windel?’ he asked as he unwrapped her from the carrier. He felt the heaviness of the diaper and decided he might as well change her. She had fed a lot before they went out.

After a quick change, he returned to the lounge and put her in her bouncy seat. She seemed quite alert and kicked about a bit. He sat and watched her, chatting to her in German. She listened attentively, watching him intently. He was interested to see what languages she would pick up. He knew he and Kala tended to flip rapidly between languages. Rajan, Felix and Oma had all complained about how confusing it was sometimes. He didn’t want to confuse his daughter but it would be handy if she learned English, German and Hindi at least.

He didn’t really know how it would work. He’d never been that good at languages before his Sensate birth. He’d known a bit of English and a bit of Russian, though he’d never relished using that. His English had mostly been picked up from movies.

But maybe she’d be a Sensate too and one day she’d suddenly be able to speak lots of other languages, maybe some he didn’t know. It was strange to think that, if she was sensate, her cluster would be out there now, growing the same as she was.

‘Our family will just keep growing,’ said Will, beside him.

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘I guess it will.’

They looked at each other for a moment, unspoken words flowing between them, then Wolfgang dropped his gaze and looked at his hands, clasped between his knees. ‘I’m sorry for being a prick lately,’ he said.

He felt Will’s arm slide across his shoulders, his hand gripping snugly. ‘It’s all right. I’ve not been the most understanding person lately myself.’

‘You shouldn’t have had to be. I didn’t need to be so…’

‘Maybe we should quit there,’ said Will, with a half-smile. ‘Or we might fall out while apologising.’

Wolfgang chuckled. ‘Yeah. It’s not like we haven’t done that before.’

Will just smiled, withdrawing his arm from around Wolfgang’s shoulders. He kept sitting beside him though and they watched the baby for a few moments in silence.

‘She looks a lot like Kala, doesn’t she?’ said Will.

Wolfgang felt a smile spread across his face and a warmth grew in his chest. ‘She does. She’s so beautiful.’

Will grinned. ‘You’re totally in love, aren’t you?’

‘It’s going to be difficult when she gets old enough to demand stuff. I won’t be able to refuse her anything. Neither will Raj. Kala might have to play bad cop.’

‘I think she could manage that.’

Wolfgang looked at Will and found himself in Iceland. He was on his own, sitting outside on the bench in front of the house. But, as Wolfgang sat next to him, his senses told him there was something slightly odd or unusual about his surroundings. The hair on the back of his neck stood up.

‘Are you sure you’re alone?’ he asked.

Will looked at him and frowned. ‘I … I’m not sure. Before, I kept thinking I could see someone out of the corner of my eye. When I found myself in Paris, I just thought it was you.’ He looked around properly. ‘I can’t see anything or hear anything. I don’t think there’s anyone around.’

Wolfgang met his gaze with a hard expression. ‘You’re probably going to think I’m paranoid but keep alert. There’s someone watching you. I can feel it.’

Will’s brow creased with worry but he nodded. ‘I will. I’ll be careful.’


	60. Chapter 60

Another city, another show, another hotel room. Normally, Rafael loved hotel rooms. He always got a suite, so he had plenty of room and he would spend the day before a show getting himself psyched up for it. But now, he couldn’t concentrate.

It was late Friday afternoon and his show was the next night. But his thoughts weren’t on the concert. They were on Teddy.

He closed his eyes and the image of his one-night lover was clear and vivid in his mind. He opened his eyes and jerked with surprise. He wasn’t in his hotel suite anymore. He was in a hospital corridor. Doctors, nurses and porters bustled past, all intent on their work. It seemed only one person was still.

Teddy was staring at him. He looked different in his blue nurse’s uniform, with his dreadlocks tied back. He looked startled and unsure and was starting at Rafael as if he’d seen a ghost.

It looked so real. Everything looked so real, from the hospital to Teddy himself. He could _feel_ him, feel his warmth and softness. He could feel his confusion.

But it wasn’t real. He wasn’t really looking at Teddy, just an image in his mind, a memory he still wanted to cling onto. He should close his eyes, shake his head, sing something, anything to push himself out of the hallucination, anything to return to sanity. But he didn’t want to. He just wanted to look at Teddy. Was this madness? Did hallucinations really feel that this? How could it all feel so real?

‘No, you’re not real,’ said Teddy.

Rafael didn’t know what to say. How did you tell a hallucination it was them who wasn’t real?

But before he could say anything, Teddy turned and hurried away. Rafael blinked and found himself back in his hotel room, his chest aching.

He yelled out in frustration, then flopped down on his bed. He lay there for a moment, numb and confused. It couldn’t be real. But it felt so vivid.

He sat up and shuffled up against the headboard of the large bed. He dug in his pocket for his phone and selected the number. He listened as it rang for a few moments before it clicked.

‘Hola,’

‘Abuelita, how are things?’

‘Papito, hello! Everything is great here, todo es fantastico. How are you?’

‘I’m okay. Abuelita … when Abuelo got ill … how did it start?’

There was a long silence at the other end of the phone and he felt a twinge of guilt. He knew Abuelita didn’t like to talk about it.

‘It … it started with the dreams. It was just the odd night at first, then more nights. Then the days. He couldn’t get away from the images. It started so small but then it was too big to stop it.’ She paused and he heard the hitch in her breath. ‘Why do you ask about him?’

Rafael focused on keeping his breathing steady and even. ‘No reason. I was just thinking about him. How are Elena and Rosie doing?’

She hesitated and Rafael knew immediately that Elena was up to her old tricks. ‘Rosie is doing so well in school. She misses you. I told her you’ll bring her presents when you come home.’

He laughed. ‘I will. Abuelita, you know any treatment Elena needs, Coral can organise. I’ll pay for whatever she needs.’

‘I know, Papito. The trouble is to persuade Elena. I will try more.’

‘Thank you, Abuelita. Just a few more countries and I’ll be home.’

‘Well you do your best on your tour. Don’t let any of this family stuff distract you.’

‘I’ll try not to. Love you, Abuelita.’

He felt her smile down the phone. ‘I love you too, Papito. You take care, mi vida.’

He hung up, sat back against the headboard and nearly jumped out of his skin. Will was sitting next to him.

The older man gave him a gentle smile. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.’

Rafael covered his eyes with his hands. ‘You’re not real. Please, go away. I don’t want to go mad.’

Will laid a gentle hand on his arm. ‘You’re not going mad, I promise. Look, if you let yourself, you can see where I am.’

Rafael looked up and started as he found himself no longer in the hotel room. He was in a small living room, with a wooden floor and a thick fluffy rug under the grand piano. He stared around. There were people there. A white-haired man playing beautiful classical music on the piano. A woman was curled up on the sofa, a soft smile on her face as she listened. She had bleached blonde hair and her warm brown eyes sparkled. Will’s arm was around her. He glanced out of the window and his eyes widened as he saw an unfamiliar landscape of green-wide open spaces, trees and, in the distance, mountains which looked like they had been sketched in charcoal.

‘This is Iceland,’ said Will. ‘Where I live.’

‘This can’t be real. It can’t be.’

‘It is. I promise. But I know it’s not easy to believe that. I’m not asking anything from you, just … tomorrow morning, at about eleven o’clock, I’d like you to go to the park just around the block from this hotel and meet some friends of mine.’ He got up and crossed the room. Rafael found himself following him.

Will picked up a photo frame and showed it to him. There was a big group of people, all grinning at the camera, grouped around two women kissing joyfully. Will pointed to an Indian woman with long dark curls.

‘This is Kala, and these are her husbands Rajan and Wolfgang,’ he said, pointing to an Indian man and a white man standing on either side of Kala, with their arms around her. All three looked deliriously happy. ‘They’re my friends,’ he said. ‘And if you meet them, maybe that’ll help you realise that we’re real. All of us.’

Rafael looked at him for a moment, then nodded. ‘All right. I’ll do it. But after that, I don’t want you turning up anymore. Got it? You can stay away from me.’

There was pain in Will’s dark blue eyes but he nodded. ‘Got it. I won’t visit you again.’ He hesitated. ‘But if you want me, visit me. I’ll do whatever I can to help you.’

Rafael considered Will for a moment. If he was real, not a ghost or a hallucination, he seemed like a decent person. He didn’t want to hurt him. He gave him a smile. ‘I’ll remember that. If you are real, of course.’

Will grinned and nodded. Then he was gone and Rafael was back in his hotel room. Well, whether he was going mad or not, he’d find out tomorrow. But first he had a show to do and he had to be in top form.

Wolfgang was woken by a soft kiss on his lips. He opened his eyes and looked into Rajan’s smiling face.

‘Hallo,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to fall asleep.’ He sat up straight, his gaze going straight to Anika’s bouncy seat. Panic shot through him. She wasn’t there. ‘Where’s Anika?’ 

Rajan chuckled softly. ‘Kala’s got her. She’s giving her a feed in the other room.’ He laid a hand on Wolfgang’s arm. ‘Feeling a bit jumpy?’

‘No, I’m all right.’

Rajan held out his hand to Wolfgang. ‘Then up you get. You can help me make dinner.’

Wolfgang took it and Rajan tugged him to his feet in one smooth movement. Rajan took the opportunity to pull him into a hug. Wolfgang returned it, relishing the easy expression of love. Rajan had always found it easy to show his love. First to Kala, then to him to. Wolfgang pretended to grumble about the romantic dinners, the flowers, the jewellery and the breakfasts in bed, but secretly, or not so secretly, he loved it. And he appreciated that Rajan provided a bit of romance for Kala as well. That had never been his strong point.

Rajan pulled back from the hug and they both headed over to the kitchen. ‘How you feeling about tomorrow?’ he asked, as he started to get ingredients for a stir fry out of the fridge.

Wolfgang shrugged, going to the pan cupboard for the wok. ‘At least I know this one’s hot.’

Rajan laughed. ‘Nervous then.’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes as he put the wok down on the hob. ‘Smarty pants.’

‘I’ve learned to read you pretty well over the years.’

‘Tell me about it,’ grumbled Wolfgang, making Rajan laugh again.

‘Well, where would we be if I hadn’t?’

‘I’d be peacefully wallowing in my own misery.’

Rajan just grinned. ‘You can’t fool me, you know.’ He put the bowl of pre-marinated chicken down on the counter and leaned over to give him a kiss. ‘You’ll feel better once this first meeting is over and done with.’

Wolfgang rubbed the back of his own head. ‘Guess so. I don’t have any bad feelings about Rafael. It’s just …’

‘What?’

‘I have this sort of prickly feeling sometimes, like someone’s watching. I get it when I’m visiting Will and Lito.’

‘Have you told them about it?’

‘Mmm, but I don’t think they really believe me.’

‘You’ll keep watching out for them, my love. They’ll be safe with you around, and Sun. And Will’s pretty good at taking care of himself, isn’t he?’

‘Yeah. I just … I feel like the threat isn’t a physical one. Does that make sense?’

‘If it’s not physical, what is it?’

Wolfgang shook his head, trying to think how to articulate it. He didn’t like talking about his parents but it was the only way he could think to explain it. ‘It’s like … the nights my father had drunk too much to hurt us. But he’d say things. He … he didn’t need to hit her to make her do things. He could … make her crawl to him with just his voice.’

He shuddered, trying not to remember the things he’d seen his father make his mama do on her knees. He glanced cautiously at Rajan. His husband’s face was carefully impassive, like it always was when Wolfgang spoke about his bad memories, but his eyes gave away his pain, the sadness he felt for him.

‘It feels like that kind of danger. Do you know what I mean?’

Rajan watched him in silence for a moment, then reached out and brought him into a tight hug. ‘I know, my love.’ He kissed his cheek. ‘Whatever happens, you’re not alone in this. Whatever the danger is, together, we’ll all beat it. We’re family, chosen family, and we don’t let each other down.’

Wolfgang didn’t say anything, just held on tight to Rajan and breathed in his warm scent.


	61. Chapter 61

‘Baba, I’m hungry,’ said Basir.

‘Me too,’ said Barak.

They had been on the train for hours, trundling through Serbia. It felt strange to be on an ordinary train, surrounded by normal people again. There were other refugees around, some people he recognised from the camp or the boat, others he didn’t. But there were plenty of ordinary travellers as well, Serbians just going about their business. None of them really looked at the refugees. He supposed they were used to them, and didn’t want to be asked to help.

He dug in his backpack and brought out an apple each and some bread and cheese. While his boys tore into their meagre feast, he glanced across as Rasha. Norah was sleeping with her head on her mama’s lap and was peaceful enough. But a deep frown had settled on Rasha’s brow and she was gazing out of the window as the country passed by.

‘Have you got enough food?’ he asked her.

She glanced at him and gave him a small smile. ‘I think so.’ She sighed, looking down at her daughter and stroking her head. ‘I’m just so worried about how we’re going to make it across the border.’

‘It’s a long walk but …’ He lowered his voice. ‘The smugglers do this all the time. I don’t think we’ll get caught. Don’t worry, we’ll be on the train to Austria before you know it.’

‘I don’t know how we’ll manage the walk.’

‘I’ll help. I can carry her some of the way.’

‘You have your own boys to worry about.’

‘We can walk,’ said Basir.

‘Yep, we’ll walk the whole way,’ said Barak, grinning around a mouthful of bread.

‘Don’t talk with your mouth full,’ admonished Anwar but he smiled, proudly. His boys were kind, compassionate kids.

‘We’re all in this together,’ he said. ‘And we’ll help each other.’

Rasha smiled gratefully. ‘You’re all so kind. I don’t know what we’d do without you.’

‘Well, you don’t have to worry about that because we’re going to stick together.’

Wolfgang watched, as Rajan got Anika dressed in a rainbow romper and Kala got her changing bag ready. It was a warm, sunny day, definitely heading towards summer and it felt like there shouldn’t be anything to worry about.

But there was. He’d been extra nervous since he woke up. He’d thought about going for a run to work off some of his tension but the thought of leaving Kala, Rajan and Anika made his heart start to beat way too fast.

He and Kala had taken blockers, aiming to have them wear off shortly after meeting with Rafael. That way they could choose whether to take another dose then or allow a connection to be made. He glanced at Kala, wondering if she was nervous. He didn’t like not being able to feel her emotions, though he supposed she was the same with him. She had been particularly attentive to him since they’d got up and he knew she was worried about him. He hadn’t told her about his prickly feeling but he suspected she knew. 

Rajan looked at him. ‘Will you sort the pram?’

Wolfgang nodded, going to fetch the pram from the nook near the front door where they kept it. He took a moment to tug the mattress protector and the sheet in properly, before he wheeled it across to Rajan. He placed Anika in the pram. She was alert and looking curiously around her. She wailed until Rajan clipped the dragonfly pram toy onto the side. She batted her hands, a look of concentration coming over her face as she tried to work out how to reach out deliberately for it.

Rajan slid an arm around his waist and held him to his side. ‘Couple of hours, it’ll all be over and you’ll wonder what you were worrying about.’

‘Hmm,’ said Wolfgang doubtfully. He looked at Kala, who was looking at him searchingly. ‘Are we ready?’

They set off, taking the pram down in the lift. Wolfgang wondered if Will was with Rafael, or maybe waiting until he could get through to them. He knew he’d be anxious too. He hoped Riley was with him and maybe some of the others, all helping him stay calm.

As they stepped out into the warm, sunny day, Rajan adjusted Anika’s sunshade and chatted merrily to her about the things they were seeing. Kala walked between them, watching Anika but her hand reached out and laced her fingers through Wolfgang’s.

‘I have a good feeling about this. What about you?’ she asked.

He looked at her and smiled a little. ‘About Rafael, yes. Oma says he’s a good man.’

‘Are they meeting us in the park?’ she asked.

Wolfgang nodded. ‘I wanted their opinion.’ He smiled. ‘Though we might have to keep Oma away from him. She thinks he’s hot.’

‘He is,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang looked at him and smirked. ‘I thought I was the only man you had the hots for?’

Rajan grinned. ‘What can I say? You awakened my sexuality.’

Wolfgang just laughed. He was so glad he had them with him. They always made him feel lighter. Kala held his hand firmly and Rajan walked along beside them pushing the pram and making silly but adorable cooing noises at Anika.

_Why am I doing this?_ Rafael thought as he waited to meet the friends of a figment of his imagination. He could feel Will watching him, though he couldn’t see him. _Why the_ hell _am I doing this? This is crazy._ I’m _going crazy. There are no people in my head._

Nothing was going to happen. He’s going to wait here until past eleven and those people are not going to appear, because they’re not real. There was no Kala with long dark curls and her handsome husbands. None of it was real.

To stop his nervous pacing, he sat down on the nearby bench and watched the path. _This is ridiculous. No one’s coming. No one at all._

Except, there was. There were people on the path. He squinted into the distance and could make out five people.

_There you go_ , he thought. _Five people. Will said three, so it’s not them because they’re not real._

Except as they came closer, he could make out Kala. She wore a lemon-yellow sundress and her long dark curls cascaded over her shoulders. Holding her hand was Wolfgang. He was even more beautiful in person. His clothing was casual, black jeans and a pale blue t-shirt. But his manner was not casual. His shoulders were rigid and, as they got closer, Rafael could see his jaw was working. Rajan walked beside them, pushing a pram.

Behind them were a man and a woman. The man looked about the same age as the other three. He was quite scruffy looking but had a shrewd face and was looking around in the same cautious manner as Wolfgang. The woman was older, maybe in her early sixties. She had the same piercing blue eyes that Wolfgang did but they were softened by laughter lines around her eyes.

In full sight of Rafael, they stopped. The older woman took charge of the pram, cooing into it. The others were all focused on the pram as well, except Wolfgang. He had fixed Rafael with a hard look, an examining look. Rafael felt like he was being scrutinised. He stood up and looked back, trying to show he had nothing to hide.

‘He’s a bit suspicious,’ said Will beside him.

Rafael glanced at him. ‘They’re … real.’

Will smiled. ‘Yeah. They are.’

‘Can they see you?’

‘Not right now. They’re on blockers. They stop the connection, block the psycellium that makes it possible.’

‘Why would they want to do that?’

‘When you make eye contact with another sensate, you’re connected with them, forever. That means they can visit you and you can visit them, like you and I are doing now.’

‘So they don’t want to connect with me until they trust me. Guess this Wolfgang really is suspicious.’

‘You could call it paranoia.’

Rafael shook his head. ‘No, it sounds like a sensible precaution.’ He was about to ask Will if they were going to come over, when Wolfgang stepped closer, leaving his family waiting where they stood.

‘We don’t need an introduction,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Is Will here?’

Rafael nodded. ‘He is. He says you’re paranoid.’

Will groaned. ‘Don’t tell him that.’

But Wolfgang smirked. ‘Sounds like him.’

‘I’m still a bit confused by this. I was standing here waiting for this meeting because a figment of my imagination said you would be here and I didn’t believe it but then, there you are.’

Wolfgang looked at him for a moment, then smiled. ‘I didn’t believe it when it first started happening to me.’ He glanced back at where Kala was waiting and they exchanged a secret smile. Rafael felt something tighten in his belly and it was as though he could _feel_ the love between them. Wolfgang looked back at him.

‘Sometimes, you meet someone and you can’t deny them.’ He looked at Rafael, as though he knew about something deep inside him, something Rafael hadn’t admitted to himself yet. He felt someone watching him and he turned his head to find himself looking into Teddy’s warm brown eyes. They gazed at each other for a moment, before Rafael dragged his gaze back to Wolfgang.

The other members of the group had joined him. The older woman was holding the baby against her chest and the little girl was gazing around with wide eyes.

‘This is your family?’ he asked.

‘Yes. We’re not straightforward.’

‘Families never are.’

‘Wolfgang, if we’re going to take another blocker, we should do it now,' said Kala, coming up beside him and taking his hand.

Wolfgang considered him. Rafael met his eyes straight on. He could feel Wolfgang studying him, reading him. But he wasn’t afraid to be seen.

‘Leave it,’ Wolfgang said to Kala. ‘Let’s connect.’

Rafael nodded. He looked to where he had seen Teddy and he should have been startled but he wasn’t. There were seven people standing with him. There was Teddy, still with that warm gaze but something more to it now, something like understanding. The others he didn’t know. Except he did. He knew every single face. He knew their names. He knew their innermost selves. They looked back at him, like they knew him too. His cluster stood with him and he understood the concept that echoed in Mari and Niki’s heads. _A shared soul._

He looked back at Wolfgang, met those bright blue eyes and, suddenly, he could _feel_ him. He took a startled breath, marvelling at the feeling. It wasn’t as strong as what he’d felt with Teddy, or with Will, but he was aware of his presence on a deeper level than before. He could feel Kala’s hand holding his, though with his eyes he saw it was Wolfgang’s hand she held.

He looked at Kala and he could sense her too. She was a softer presence than Wolfgang but he could feel her ferocity as well. He glanced at the rest of Wolfgang’s family but quickly realised they were not sensates. 

Wolfgang smiled at Will. ‘I think he understands.’

‘Thank you for trusting him,’ said Will.

Rafael felt a pulse of some unnameable feeling from beside him. His body throbbed with it and he wanted to run. It was the sickness you in your belly when you came down a steep hill in the car or rode a sharp dip on a roller coaster; it was the sensation of a sudden drop. He looked to his side and met a steely green-blue gaze.

‘I don’t trust them,’ said Alois. He looked at Wolfgang. ‘I don’t trust _him_.’


	62. Chapter 62

At Rajan’s suggestion, they sat on the grass together and talked. They talked mostly in English but kept slipping into German or French or Hindi. Wolfgang relaxed considerably and even let Rafael hold the baby briefly. He could feel how protective Wolfgang was about his family and he felt flattered that he was actually trusted that much.

Despite what Alois said, he found himself trusting Wolfgang. Although he sensed he had secrets, there was no side to him, nothing two-faced. He was direct and straight-forward and Rafael respected that. And he was hot.

‘I think so too,’ said Mari, her gaze wandering unashamedly over Wolfgang.

Tora nudged her. ‘Don’t stare.’

Mari smirked. ‘Why not?’ she said. ‘It’s not like he can see me,’ she signed. 

Rafael grinned. Somehow, he knew already that she wouldn’t be ashamed to do that if he could see her either.

‘He is pretty,’ said Niki. ‘So is she. In fact, they’re all beautiful. They seem all right.’

She looked at Elin. ‘What do you think?’

Elin started to smile, then bit her lip and dropped her gaze. ‘We don’t really know them yet.’

‘That’s right,’ said Alois, shooting Elin a reassuring smile. ‘We know nothing about them so I think we ought to be cautious.’

‘He’s German, isn’t he?’ said Anwar. ‘The Germans are a wonderful people. They’re welcoming so many refugees to their country.’

‘They’re like us,’ said Teddy. He looked at Rafael and smiled, shyly. ‘I think we should trust them.’

Rafael was about to reply, when he remembered that Wolfgang, Kala and their family, and possibly their whole cluster, would hear them. Suddenly, he realised Wolfgang was smirking at him.

‘Difficult to concentrate with them all chattering at you, isn’t it?’ he asked, in flawless Spanish. ‘You’ll get used to it.’

‘I hope so. Your Spanish is perfect.’

‘Ah, one of my cluster is from Mexico City.’ He grinned. ‘He’s very eager to meet you.’

‘The language thing … we can all understand each other, no matter what language we’re speaking.’ 

Wolfgang looked at Will. ‘Haven’t you explained this shit yet?’

Will shrugged. ‘They’re as stubborn as you so I haven’t had much of a chance to explain everything.’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes but smiled a little. ‘You share skills. That includes languages so you’re going to get really fucking confused and start speaking in a mix of languages for a while. You’ll get the hang of it.’

Rafael smiled. ‘Is that why you kept slipping into different languages?’

Rajan laughed. ‘They do that all the time. It has improved my German though.’

Anwar prodded Rafael gently. ‘Does this mean I can speak German?’

‘Of course,’ said Alois. ‘Because _I_ speak it.’ His gaze took in Wolfgang and his family and Rafael felt a strong sense of curiosity. Of course, they were all curious about these new connections but somehow, Alois’s felt deeper and stronger.

Alois looked at Rafael. ‘I’m not sure you should meet any more of them. I’m not sure any of us should.’

‘Why not?’

‘Like I said, I don’t trust them.’

‘I don’t see why we shouldn’t trust them,’ said Mari. ‘They’ve been straight-forward with us, answered all our questions and tried to help us.’ She met his eyes. ‘I trust Will, don’t you?’

Rafael looked at Will. ‘He gave us this. It’s like he’s our father.’

Will grinned. ‘That’s exactly who I am. And you can trust me. You can trust all of my cluster.’

Wolfgang looked at Will, where he was sitting in his living room, visiting between his cluster and his children.

‘I can feel them thinking,’ he said.

Will nodded, smiling a little. ‘They’re working out whether they can trust you. I get the feeling there’s some dissent. Put on your loveable face.’

Wolfgang scoffed. ‘Aren’t I always lovable?’

Will’s smile widened. ‘You are to us. To other people, you can be a little intimidating.’

Wolfgang raised his eyebrows, pretending to be surprised. ‘Oh really?’ He smiled, then his face got serious again. ‘Am I intimidating them?’

Will looked curiously at him. ‘I can’t tell if you want them to be intimidated or not?’

Wolfgang smiled at him. ‘Just intimidated enough. I like Rafael. He is open with his feelings, though he has secrets.’

‘He’s had a lot of pain in his life.’

Wolfgang looked at Rafael and felt a brotherhood with him. Yes, he trusted him. Back in the park, he looked around to see all his cluster with him, all as curious as he was about this new cluster, Will’s children. He felt their trust as well. They all liked Rafael too. He was easy to like.

‘I think I should meet him next,’ said Lito, in a quiet and thoughtful manner. But his eyes were raking up and down Rafael’s body in a somewhat predatory manner.

Wolfgang just smiled. He’d already told Rafael that Lito was eager to meet him. He supposed, after a while they’d all meet the new cluster. Maybe they would be able to count them as friends after all.

He felt Oma sit down next to him and he grinned as he realised she hadn’t moved so she could sit next to _him_. She gave her best, widest smile to Rafael.

‘I’m such a fan, Rafael,’ she said.

Rafael gave her a smile. ‘Thank you. Would you like to come to the show tonight?’

She reached out and stroked his arm. ‘Ooh, Rafael, how kind of you. I’d love to.’

He chuckled gently. ‘I’ll put you on the VIP list.’ He looked around at the rest of them. ‘That goes for any of you who would like to come, though of course I know you’ve got this _Corazoncita_ to look after,’ he said, reaching out to Anika, who Rajan was holding, and letting her grasp his finger.

‘You two can go if you like,’ said Kala to Wolfgang and Rajan. ‘I can’t leave Anika for that long but I don’t mind if you go.’

‘Thank you, Rafael. It’s a wonderful offer but I’d choose sleep over anything right now,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang nodded. ‘Yeah, but next time. You tour here regularly, don’t you?’

Rafael smiled. ‘I do. I’ll make sure you all get tickets next time.’ He put his arm around Oma and gave her a friendly squeeze. ‘But you are very welcome, Frau Tillich.’

‘Oh, please, do call me Petra, dear.’

Wolfgang laughed, as he remembered Oma’s insistence that everybody call her Oma. Clearly that didn’t apply to men she had the hots for.

At the other side of the park, Alois stood and watched the group talking on the grass. He was at once here and over there with Rafael. That was a strange sensation but he was getting used to it. He was learning how to use it.

This Wolfgang had an intense manner about him, a wary and distrustful side. Alois knew the type. He was someone who knew the dark side of life, one who saw things and listened to his instincts. That was dangerous. And Alois knew a killer when he saw one. He also knew that killers always recognised that in others.

Yet it was all too obvious how much he cared about his family. They were more important than anything else to him. He would give his life for them. That was interesting. He filed that fact away in his brain. It was important to know the vulnerabilities of others.

He stood and watched for a little while longer until, at last, the group parted. Keeping at a careful distance, he followed them, making sure not to make eye contact with Wolfgang or Kala. The last thing he wanted was to connect with them.

He kept with them, watching carefully as they made their way home. At the door to their block of flats, Wolfgang suddenly stopped and looked round, his eyes narrowing. Alois pulled back out of sight behind the nearest building and stayed there until he was sure they had all gone inside.

‘Why are you watching them?’ asked Elin, beside him suddenly. He glanced around to make sure they weren’t being watched before he looked at her.

‘Like I said, I don’t trust him. I think we’d better he careful around them.’

She looked nervous and he smiled, sliding his arm around her slim waist. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe.’

She frowned. ‘Do you really think they’re dangerous?’

‘It’s better to be cautious.’

As he started to walk back to where he’d parked his car, he visited her. She was working in her lab in the Arctic but she wasn’t alone. A man she called Steve was working on the next counter to hers. He was chatting away in a friendly manner.

Alois watched for a while. Elin seemed relax and she returned the man’s chatter as they worked.

‘Glad to see you’re feeling better,’ Steve said.

She looked up and smiled. ‘Yeah. That migraine was horrible but I’m so much better now. I’m relieved. I didn’t want them to send me home.’

‘Wouldn’t that be a shitty thing to happen?’ he said. ‘After all the work you’ve taken to get here. I think we all feel the same. Letting anything interfere with this expedition would be all of our worst nightmares.’

Elin glanced at Alois, tilting her head curiously and he could feel her wondering why he was still there. He didn’t say anything. He just wanted to watch her.

Steve frowned at her. ‘Is there something wrong? You’re sort of looking into thin air.’

‘Oh, I’m fine, just thinking.’

‘What you thinking about?’ he asked, with a friendly smile.

‘He’s nosy, isn’t he?’ said Alois.

Elin glanced at him, frowning. ‘He’s just being friendly,’ she murmured under her breath.

‘How about you tell me over a drink when we’re done here,’ said Steve.

Alois put his arm around Elin’s shoulders. ‘I think you should stay away from him,’ he said. ‘He’s clearly far too interested in you. Isn’t he supposed to be a colleague? You don’t want to get over-involved in these people just because you have to work with them.’

Elin frowned. ‘Oh, I don’t think so. I’d rather just stay in my room and read.’

‘Oh,’ said Steve, sounding surprised. ‘If that’s what you want.’ He gave her another friendly smile. ‘But you’re welcome to join us if you change your mind.’

Elin glanced at Alois, who gave her a smile and shook his head. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘But I don’t think I will.’

Alois squeezed her shoulder, sending her a feeling of reassurance that she was doing the right thing.


	63. Chapter 63

Niki grabbed her walking stick and set off into the woods. She was on her own today, as Kiri was training with the team. Niki ignored the ache in her chest at the thought of them. She’d be back with them. again. Her ankle was already starting to feel better. She was off the painkillers and she only needed to lean on the stick on a long walk.

It was a beautiful day, though it was starting to get colder as it was the beginning of the colder months now. But the air felt clean and fresh and it was quiet all around her. Only the clear songs of the birds or the snuffling of small animals in the undergrowth made any noise. She could hear no other people around.

The quiet, peaceful atmosphere of the woods that day was perfect for her mood. She had a lot on her mind, and it wasn’t just her mind anymore. How did you learn to cope with seven other voices in her head, some so different from hers. Some voices were stronger than others and that was different at different times.

She heard Mari a lot. Mari seemed to find it easier to connect, like she understood it more on an instinctive level. Rafael had been resisting but he wasn’t anymore. Teddy was shy and still unsure. She felt they had some talking to do. Tora was struggling as much as she was with managing the different voices in her head. Niki got the feeling Tora was used to much less interaction than this.

Niki wanted to connect with Elin again but it felt like something was interrupting or blocking the … _what did Will call it?_ The Psycellium. She knew Elin was shy, more so than Teddy even. She was intense as well, and serious. But Niki had felt sure they had some deeper connection that time they had first met in the snow, but she didn’t know how to take it further.

Alois she didn’t feel she knew much about yet. He was particularly closed off and she wasn’t sure why. But he seemed to have made some sort of connection with Elin too. Maybe it was difficult to focus on building a bond with more than one member of your cluster at a time.

At the same moment that her thoughts turned to Anwar, she found herself with him, suddenly in the dark. There were trees all around, thicker than her woods, more like a vast forest. It was cooler here as it was night-time. He was walking and he wasn’t aware of her at first. She walked with him and, as her eyes became adjusted to the dark, she realised he was walking with his boys and with the woman he’d made friends with, and her daughter.

A little way ahead of them was another man. He wore dark clothes and the hood of his black hoodie was up over his head. It made him almost invisible in the dark but he was leading the way and he kept checking back to make sure they were still with him.

‘Mama, I’m tired,’ whispered the little girl.

‘Shush,’ whispered the leader, shooting them a frown.

Anwar stopped and picked up the girl, settling her on his back. She clung to his shoulders and rested her head against the back of his. They carried on walking.

Niki felt his weariness and knew he had been walking for some time. It had been a couple of days since they had all connected in the park when they had met Kala and Wolfgang. She hadn’t really talked with him since then, when they had all been together. How long had he been walking?

He looked at her and suddenly they were back in her woods and he was blinking at the bright daylight. ‘It’s been a couple of days,’ he said. ‘We have to walk at night and hide during the day. The police patrol here.’

‘Can I do anything to help?’ she asked.

He smiled. ‘No, I do not think so. But thank you. You are very kind.’

‘We’re all family now,’ she said. ‘We’ll all do whatever we can to help each other.’

He gave her another, genuine smile. ‘You are a good person. I hope one day I can help you.’ He looked her over. ‘You look very fit yet you are walking with a stick.’

‘I got injured a few months ago. I’m getting better. I’m hoping I can start running soon, build my strength up again.’

‘You play rugby, don’t you? I have never had the opportunity to play the game. But I love football. I used to play every weekend with my friends and I was teaching my boys before these troubles.’

‘You’ll be able to teach them again soon.’ 

‘I just hope we make it all safely to Germany. I have heard they look after people there.’

‘If you need money, or anything I can help you with, please do ask.’

‘I will.’

‘I wanted to ask you, have you heard much from Alois? I haven’t really connected with him yet except when it has been all of us.’

‘He visited me while I was in the camp. He was reassuring and kind. I think perhaps he is withdrawn, maybe shy like Teddy. He is not used to others knowing his secrets, I think. But he is a good man. He helps people in his job.’

Niki remembered Alois’s grave face when he had declared he didn’t trust Wolfgang. ‘I wonder why he doesn’t trust Will’s cluster. They seem trustworthy to me.’

‘He works with murderers and criminals. People in that sort of work find it difficult to trust. Besides, there was something … dangerous about that Wolfgang. The way he looked at Rafael when they first met. He looked like someone who would kill.’

‘He looked like someone who would do anything to protect his family,’ said Niki. ‘But we don’t mean any harm to his family.’

‘Some people like that do not wait for extreme provocation,’ said Anwar.

‘Hmm,’ said Niki. She could feel that Anwar was, at heart, a naturally trustful person. He wanted to see the good in everyone but Alois’s words had troubled him and he was inclined to have faith his clustermate more than someone he didn’t even really know. But Niki didn’t feel like she knew either of them. She had seen Wolfgang’s tenderness with his family and he’d been relaxed and friendly when talking to Rafael about being a Sensate. There was a dangerous side to him, and perhaps he had done bad things, but that gentleness was too obvious. She hadn’t seen enough of Alois to judge him yet. Perhaps they were misunderstanding each other.

Anwar smiled at her. ‘We have plenty of time to get to know each other, the rest of our lives of being connection.’

Niki smiled. ‘That’s true.’

Anwar gave her a friendly nod, then he was gone and she was alone in her woods again. She turned back, deciding to speak to Koro. He always had good advice. She remembered going to him when she’d first seen Will and trying to explain what had happened and what she’d seen.

What was it he had said? _If you can’t trust your own heart and your own mind, what can you trust?_

She needed to speak to him again. She needed his calm nature and his wise advice.

Wolfgang woke feeling somewhat unsettled and shaky. He looked around. He was alone in bed but he could feel the warmth of Kala as she sat downstairs, feeding the baby and she could hear the shower running from the ensuite, where presumably Rajan was getting ready for the day.

He got up, shaking his head to clear it. He didn’t remember his nightmare but he knew he’d had one. That was usually the cause when he woke feeling unsettled.

He slipped stealthily into the bathroom, stripping off his boxers and dumping them in the laundry basket. Rajan was indeed in the shower, his face beneath the spray and his eyes closed, completely oblivious to Wolfgang’s presence.

After having a piss and cleaning his teeth, Wolfgang slipped into the shower behind Rajan. His husband murmured softly and turned into him as Wolfgang dropped a kiss onto his shoulder.

‘Good morning, my love.’

‘Guten morgen, Liebling,’ he replied.

He pushed Rajan forward, backing him up against the shower wall and soaking himself in the process. Both of Rajan’s hands went to the back of Wolfgang’s neck and he pulled him into a kiss.

They kissed unhurriedly under the hot spray, their bodies pressed together and sharing each other’s warmth. Wolfgang’s hands explored Rajan’s body eagerly, running down over his shoulders, then sliding down his sides until he reached his hips. He stroked gently, losing himself in the soft skin, the firm muscle and the heat of his lover. He was aware his hands were shaking a little but as long as he kept them moving, he could pretend they weren’t.

Rajan pulled back and looked at him, squinting a little under the spray of the water. ‘Are you all right?’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘Why do you ask?’

Rajan gave him a knowing half-smile. ‘We discussed how I can read you, didn’t we? Your hands are shaking.’

Wolfgang averted his gaze for a moment, before he looked back into Rajan’s loving eyes. ‘I feel a bit … unsettled, like I had a nightmare but I can’t remember it.’

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

He shook his head. ‘Not yet. My head is too fuzzy.’ He tilted his head forward and pressed his forehead to Rajan’s. ‘I just want…’ he murmured.

He couldn’t say, couldn’t explain but Rajan seemed to know. He kissed him again, then reached for his hips and brought him closer. Their bodies moved against each other, slowly and gently. It wasn’t about the pursuit of an orgasm; it was just about touch, about feeling each other.

Rajan took charge, pushing Wolfgang against the wall and kissing him hard and passionately. Wolfgang held onto him, letting his hands explore freely. Here, under the hot shower with his lover, he could give himself up to the feeling of him, to the feeling of being touched, held and loved.

Rajan got the soap and started to wash him, smoothing his soapy hands over Wolfgang’s skin reverently. When Rajan touched him like this, whenever Rajan looked at him, he felt so loved. It was a feeling he cherished so much, one he didn’t used to have much.

Having soaped up his body, Rajan moved to his hair, squeezing a little shampoo into his hand, then beginning to massage it into his hair. Wolfgang closed his eyes, giving himself up to the feeling of being cared for.

After Rajan had guided him back under the hot water to rinse him off, Wolfgang opened his eyes and looked at him with a soft smile.

‘You’re such a good husband.’

Rajan laughed. ‘I try my best.’ He kissed Wolfgang again, slowly and lovingly. He stroked his jaw and looked into his eyes. ‘Maybe you should go on a run, clear your head properly.’

‘Mmm, I think I will. I don’t know what’s the matter with me.’

‘There’s a lot going on right now. Give yourself a break, my love. You just need to get your head around everything, that’s all.’

Wolfgang wrapped his arms around Rajan’s waist and pulled him close. He kissed him softly. ‘Love you,’ he whispered.

Rajan smiled against him. ‘I love you too.’

Wolfgang sighed contentedly as they just held each other close, knowing he was loved, no matter what.


	64. Chapter 64

After their shower, Rajan made breakfast and Wolfgang went to sit with Kala and the baby on the sofa. He put his arm around her and rested his head against her shoulder. Her hair tickled his cheek and he breathed in the scent of lavender. She turned her head and drop a gentle kiss into his damp hair.

He knew she felt his mood but he also knew she wouldn’t push him too much. He watched Anika. She was feeding, suckling noisily at Kala’s breast. Her eyes were closed, her long dark lashes brushing softly against her smooth, tawny brown cheek. She was frowning in concentration, a little line between her brows just like he had.

It was strange to see himself in her face. It was wonderful, and it made his heart throb with love for her. But at the same time, it made his belly turn over in fear and dread. He didn’t want her to grow up to be like him. He wanted her to be happy, stable and free to follow her heart. He knew she would make mistakes in her life, but he hoped they would be small, inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

There was one thing he knew about her future though. She would never doubt that she was loved, not one single moment. Unlike her Vati.

He felt Kala glance at him. ‘Are you all right?’

‘Mmm,’ he murmured.

He felt her hesitate, then she felt her soft mouth in his hair again. ‘Another nightmare?’

He let out a long sigh. ‘Yeah. Another one I can’t remember.’

‘Do you think that means anything?’

He looked up into her face. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe there’s something you don’t want to face.’

Wolfgang didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. He did feel like there was something lurking in his subconscious but he didn’t know how to release it. _Fuck_ , he thought, _won’t I ever be better?_

Anika unlatched and a blissed-out expression settled on her face. Kala beamed down at her, pure love settling on her face. Wolfgang couldn’t get enough of that look on her face.

‘Will you burp her? You’ve got the knack.’

He sat up properly and grabbed a clean muslin cloth from the table. ‘Sure.’ He draped the cloth over his shoulder, then took his daughter from her mama and settled her against his shoulder. He started to burp her, alternating between rhythmic pats and circling rubs.

He realised Kala was still watching him. He looked away. It was still difficult for him to face that she could see right through him.

‘I’m worried about you,’ she said and, behind them, he felt Rajan stop what he was doing and look over.

‘I’m fine,’ he said. His automatic response, he knew.

She raised her eyebrow at him. Anika burped and Wolfgang set her on his lap, her back against his chest. He focused on her, looking down at the wispy black curls on the top of her head. She held on tight to his fingers.

He couldn’t ignore Kala’s gaze for long, not when he could _feel_ it like that. It wasn’t fair. How were you supposed to ignore an issue with your wife when you could feel each other’s emotions like that?

He looked up. ‘I don’t know what else you want me to say.’

‘Is it the new cluster? I thought you liked Rafael.’

‘I do. It’s not him. I dunno what it is.’

‘Well maybe if you talk about how you feel, we might be able to work it out,’ she said, her gentle voice hardening a little with frustration.

He huffed. ‘It’s not as if I’m deliberately hiding stuff. I don’t know _what’s_ going on with me.’

‘You must have some idea,’ she said, her voice rising a little. ‘After all this therapy you’ve had, you must have a little bit more self-awareness than that.’

A little flame of anger lit in his chest and he knew she was starting to get frustrated with him. This was quickly heading towards an argument.

But then Rajan was stepping up behind him. A hand landed on Wolfgang’s shoulder and he massaged his neck casually.

‘Take a deep breath, both of you,’ he said.

Kala looked up at him and let out a long sigh. ‘I’m not really angry with you,’ she said, looking back at Wolfgang.

He let his head fall back on the sofa, glancing up at him and smiling a little. ‘It’s a good thing you’re here, or we’d never stop arguing.’

‘You’d either be doing that or having sex,’ said Rajan, with a half-grin. ‘Now, come on, make up. Breakfast is almost ready.’

Kala leaned back against Wolfgang again and he disentangled one hand from his daughter’s tight grip to put an arm around Kala. She snuggled up against him and reached out to stroke Anika’s soft hair.

‘I’m sorry for getting snippy. I know it’s hard for you.’

‘It’s all right. It’s just different than before. It’s like my brain enjoys thinking up new ways to screw with me.’

He turned his head to kiss the top of her head. ‘I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t know what was going on with me. I don’t remember most of these dreams. I just know I wake up feeling … wrong and I don’t know why. It’s … been going on for a while and I’m sorry that this is spoiling the newborn days with Anika or if it’s putting extra pressure on you but I just can’t make it stop.’

He fell silent, aware that that was a lot more words than he usually said, and aware that it had been in several different languages and probably wouldn’t have made much sense to anyone who wasn’t Sensate. But he knew Kala understood.

She didn’t say anything, just settled her hand at the neckline of his shirt and smoothed her fingers across the bare skin she found there. He closed his eyes, taking comfort in the gesture. She kissed his cheek.

‘I’m here, you know,’ she murmured.

He titled his head to rest against hers. ‘I know, Liebling.’

A couple of hours after breakfast, Wolfgang went out on his run. When his mind got too mixed up, he knew this was one of the only things that helped. The peace and the steady rhythm of the run let him focus on sorting through his thoughts.

Sometimes, one of his cluster joined him. Usually Will, or Sun or Capheus. Occasionally Lito, but he preferred his home gym, where Hernando could give him personal motivation and reward. Nomi and Kala both viewed running as something you only did if you had to do something radical to save your own life, and Riley preferred dancing.

But today, he was alone. He pounded the pavement, aiming for the park, as his usual route. Sometimes, he came home via Oma’s flat and popped in to see her, but not today. She’d only try to get him to talk, the moment she saw his face. Besides, she’d probably still be in bed after her late night out at Rafael’s concert.

It must have been that thought which suddenly brought Rafael to him. Rafael blinked in surprise as he found himself running alongside Wolfgang, when he knew he was in his hotel room, lounging in the jacuzzi on his balcony.

‘How did I get here?’ he asked. ‘I wasn’t trying to make a connection.’

‘You don’t try,’ said Wolfgang. ‘They just happen.’ He let his eyes run over Rafael’s bare chest, appreciatively. He was attractive.

‘Like me and Teddy. I keep finding myself with him but I don’t know what to say.’

‘Don’t say,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Just do.’ He glanced at him and grinned. ‘Don’t bother resisting. Believe me, it won’t get you anywhere. Kiss him.’

‘You and Kala, you’re from the same cluster and you’re together. Does it really work?’

‘It works. Will and Riley too. It’s intense but intense is worth it.’

Rafael smiled. ‘I suppose you’re right.’ He frowned at Wolfgang as they continued to run together. ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying but you don’t look too good.’

Wolfgang stared straight ahead at the park gates coming up. ‘Got a lot on my mind.’

‘You have PTSD, don’t you?’

Wolfgang stopped abruptly and glared at Rafael. ‘What do you mean?’

‘My Abuelo had it. He’d get flashbacks and … look ignoring it never helps.’

‘I don’t need you to tell me that.’

‘No offence meant. Just as a friend, make sure you talk to somebody.’

Wolfgang hesitated. ‘Your Abuelo, did he get better?’

Rafael glanced down and Wolfgang felt the overwhelming grief stab at his heart. ‘Like I said, ignoring it doesn’t help.’

There was a brief silence, as understanding passed between them. Wolfgang nodded. ‘I won’t ignore it,’ he said.

Rafael nodded. ‘Thank you.’ Then he smiled. ‘I’m going to go.’ He grinned. ‘I need to let another connection with Teddy happen.’

Wolfgang grinned back, then continued on his run. But as he turned into the park, he felt a shiver go through him. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he knew. It wasn’t his imagination or paranoia. He was being watched.


	65. Chapter 65

The first Kala knew of Wolfgang’s return was the front door slamming shut, followed seconds later by the sound of the balcony door slamming shut. She came out of the bathroom where she had been changing Anika’s diaper to see Wolfgang out on the balcony. He was facing away from them and a cloud of smoke was curling up from his mouth.

Rajan looked at her, blinking in surprise. ‘Uh oh, I guess that run didn’t really help.’

‘I’ll go and talk to him,’ she said.

‘You shouldn’t be breathing in all that smoke.’

‘I’ll visit.’

She turned and she was with Wolfgang. A deep frown had settled on his face and a muscle worked at his jaw. He took deep hard drags on his cigarette. That hand was shaking a little and his other hand was gripping the railing hard.

‘Wolfgang. What is it?’

He didn’t reply. She leaned around to look into his face but he turned away.

‘Wolfgang?’

‘I don’t want to talk right now,’ said Wolfgang, his voice hard and tense.

‘You’ve got to,’ she said, firmly. She was sick of tiptoeing around him, trying to persuade him to talk to her. He just had to talk. ‘How do you expect to get better if …’

He turned to glare at her. ‘I don’t expect to get better. It’s just this. This is me and there’s fuck all anyone can do about it.’

‘Wolfgang, what’s happened?’ she asked, startled.

‘Nothing. Just leave me alone, okay?’

‘I can’t just leave you alone when you’re like this. You’re upset. Please tell me what’s happened, Wolfgang. You know you can’t keep this bottled up.’

‘Ugh, for fuck’s sake,’ he grunted. ‘I’ve told you what I want. Now please just leave me alone.’

Kala didn’t want to. She wanted to help, but Wolfgang looked like he was about to bubble over. His face was tight and his shoulders were shaking.

Sun put her strong but gentle hand on her shoulder and squeezed lightly. ‘Leave him. I’ll help him calm down.’

Kala still didn’t want to leave but she knew Sun would be better able to help him than she was. She knew that she and Wolfgang were like fire, which was amazing when it was sex but not great when there was an argument. 

She returned to herself and found Rajan watching her anxiously. ‘It didn’t go well then,’ he said.

She shook her head. ‘He doesn’t want to talk to me.’ Anika gurgled in her arms and she looked down at her and managed to smile. ‘It’s okay, Anika. Vati’s just a little bit upset.’

Rajan came up to her, sliding his arm around her shoulders. ‘Do you want me to try?’

‘No, Sun’s with him now. Just … will you just sit with me?’

He nodded. ‘Sure.’

They sat on the sofa and he held her. She leaned against him, taking comfort in his steadiness as she watched Wolfgang talk with Sun.

‘You need to breathe,’ Sun said, her voice complete calm. ‘Deep, slow breaths.’

He took a slow, deep drag of his cigarette, letting it calm him. His thoughts were a jumble and he didn’t know what to do with them. He could feel Will wanting to visit, and Riley, but he pushed them away. He could feel that Capheus, Lito and Nomi were also all aware of his mood, of the anger pulsing through him, but he couldn’t deal with their emotions right now.

He looked at Sun, focusing on her. She was still, but breathing with him, her gaze meeting his. She understood this. She understood anger so explosive you couldn’t let it out.

As he breathed with her, he felt the red-hot anger begin to cool and dissipate. He glanced over at Kala and winced as he saw her. She was sitting with Rajan, her eyes closed and her brow furrowed. His arm was around her and he was holding Anika on his lap. Guilt twisted in his belly.

‘I need to apologise.’

‘Later,’ said Sun, in a tone that was not to be argued with. ‘First you need to talk. What happened on your run?’

He frowned and looked away, stubbing out his cigarette on the railing and chucking it in the empty ash tray on the little patio table. ‘You won’t believe me.’

‘You do not lie,’ she said, plainly. ‘Nor do you imagine things to be real that are not. Tell me.’

He looked at her, gripping his cigarette packet tightly and toying with lighting another. ‘I think … no, I know, someone is following me.’

She frowned. ‘Who would follow you?’

‘I don’t know.’

Sun considered him carefully. ‘Yes, you do. Or you suspect.’

He clenched his jaw, feeling tension pulse at his brow. He pushed harder against the pressure of Will trying to visit. ‘I think it’s one of Will’s new cluster.’

‘Rafael?’

He shook his head. ‘No. I connected with him before. He’s hiding nothing.’

‘Then … Alois? Why would he do that?’

‘I don’t know. And I don’t know how long he’s been following us for. I felt something when we came home from the park after meeting Rafael. But today, I know he was following me.’

‘Perhaps he is merely curious about you.’

‘Maybe.’ He met her gaze. ‘Don’t tell Will about this, will you? I don’t want to fall out with him about his children again.’

She nodded. ‘I will keep it to us.’

‘Thanks.’

She considered him. ‘Do you think you are calm enough to talk to Kala now?’

He took a deep breath. ‘Ja.’ 

She reached out and squeezed his shoulder, then she was gone.

Wolfgang went inside, shoving his cigarettes back into his pocket. Kala looked up when he came in. He didn’t go to her straight away, but went to wash his hands and take his jacket off. When he came back, she had sat up a little and she and Rajan were watching him in watchful quiet.

‘I …’ he started. ‘I don’t … I’m sorry.’

She reached out for his hand and laced their fingers together. ‘Are you calm now?’ she asked, gently. He was relieved to see that her own temper had diminished.

He nodded. ‘Yeah.’

She tugged his hand gently and brought him close. He sat beside her on the sofa and she put her arm around him and held him to her. Resting his head on her shoulder, he let out a long, calming breath. He stroked Anika’s hair, her dark, wispy curls soft beneath his fingertips. Rajan reached across to him and took his hand. Kala dropped a kiss into his hair and the four of them sat there, letting each other’s presence wash over them.

Wolfgang closed his eyes, knowing he would have to tell them about Alois, but just wanting a little more peace first. He wasn’t sure they were going to understand the danger he felt.

After so many days and nights sneaking through the woods, the noise of the town was too much. There seemed to be people everywhere and so loud. Basir and Barak clasped onto Anwar’s hands so tightly he thought they would break some fingers. Rasha and Norah were still with them, both nearly asleep on their feet.

Their guide had left them, murmuring instructions about the train station, before taking the remaining half of his money and disappearing into the crowd.

There was no sign of which direction to go to reach the train station. Anwar didn’t speak Hungarian but he had heard that many of the Hungarians could speak at least basic English and, thanks to his new cluster, his English was now excellent.

‘Excuse me,’ he asked the nearest friendly looking person. ‘Can you tell me where the train station is?’

The young man frowned at him for a moment, then glanced at his companion, another man of about the same age. ‘You refugees?’ he asked, in heavily accented English.

Anwar nodded. ‘We have come from Syria.’

The man leaned in a little closer. ‘My government do not want refugees.’

‘We’re trying to get to Germany.’

‘Stay away from police,’ he said. ‘They send you back. Train station that way,’ he said, and pointed.

Anwar gave him a smile. ‘Thank you.’

The man looked at Rasha and then at the children. ‘Keep family safe. When you reach Austria, you safe.’

Anwar thanked him warmly again, then led Rasha and the children in the direction he had pointed. He hoped Allah would help him keep them all safe until they reached a country where they would be safe from bombs, safe from hunger and hate. He hoped they would reach a place where they could all be together in peace and safety.


	66. Chapter 66

Teddy knew he had been quiet and withdrawn all day. His friends at work had all asked him about it, but he couldn’t explain. They didn’t even know he liked men. How did you explain you’d fallen in love with one in just one night? It didn’t make any sense. He didn’t even know Rafael yet he felt like he knew him better than he knew anyone else in the whole world.

It was a Sunday, so he’d cycled into work that morning instead of waiting ages for the infrequent bus. Now it was late evening and he set off on his way home through the quiet streets, his mind settled on Rafael and only Rafael. He had seen him, several times now, like he was really here. But it was impossible. He was in Paris now, and moving onto Madrid the next day. He wasn’t going to be here in bloody Liverpool, stalking Teddy. He’d probably forgotten all about him already.

That moment in the park though … that had felt so real. Could this connection possibly be something more than that vague feeling he’d had.

He turned the corner and skidded off his bike in shock. Rafael was standing in front of him.

‘Ai, Mierda, sorry,’ said Rafael. ‘I didn’t mean to startle you.’

Teddy stared up at him from the ground and couldn’t find his voice.

‘Are you all right?’ asked Rafael. ‘I’m not sure how this works but do you need help to get up?’

Teddy shook his head and picked himself up. He brushed the gravel off his jeans and checked himself quickly for damage. It seemed like everything was okay. ‘I’m okay.’

He looked at Rafael. ‘What are you doing here?’

Rafael frowned, running his hand through his short, shaggy brown hair. ‘I wanted … I just thought … well, we don’t have to let distance get in the way now, do we? We can still see each other.’

Teddy felt a frown settle on his face as he looked at Rafael’s earnest, hopeful expression. ‘Why would you want me? I’m a nurse from bloody Liverpool and you’re one of the most famous singer songwriters in the world and you live in LA. You’re rich. You help the poor. You’re out and proud. I’m too scared to even come out to my parents. You should just go back to LA and forget about me.’

‘How can I forget about you when you’re all in can think about? You’re in my thoughts every second. I dream about you.’

‘You could have anyone you wanted. You shouldn’t be wasting your time with me. Go find some hot American guy to go out with.’ He picked up his bike and swore under his breath as he realised it had a puncture. He started to walk the bike home.

Rafael ran to catch up with him. ‘I don’t want anybody else, Teddy.’

Teddy kept walking. ‘I don’t know why you’re messing with me like this. Just leave me alone.’

He felt a stab of hurt from Rafael, but then a new determination.

‘Joder todo,’ Rafael murmured, then laid a hand on Teddy’s shoulder. Teddy looked into Rafael’s eyes a split second before the other man leaned into him and met his mouth in a kiss.

Teddy let go of his bike but was barely aware of it clattering to the ground beside him. He melted into Rafael, the Cuban’s slender but strong arms wrapping around him and holding him close as they sank into the kiss.

Rafael was all softness and warmth against him but at the same time, he was firm and strong. Teddy didn’t care that they were kissing in the street. He didn’t care that Rafael wasn’t _really_ there. He could feel him and that was all that mattered.

When they parted, Rafael didn’t pull away far. He rested his forehead against Teddy’s and they breathed into each other with their eyes closed. Rafael’s breath was hot on his face and he couldn’t understand how it felt so real.

‘I’m not messing with you,’ Rafael murmured. ‘I only want you.’

Teddy pulled back, opened his eyes and looked at him. For a moment, he studied him, looking for any sign of deception in his face. There were none. His face was an open book.

‘I believe you,’ he said, softly.

Rafael beamed, his cheeks darkening with pleasure and his eyes sparkling.

‘But I still don’t know what we’re supposed to do now. I mean, we do live on different continents.’

‘We’re hundreds of miles away from each other now but that didn’t stop this, did it? I kissed you. I can feel you, your warmth, your softness. I can feel your heart beating against my chest. This is real and I think … whatever it is we are now, distance can’t get in the way of this.’

Teddy didn’t know what to say. He just rested his head on Rafael’s shoulder and let his presence wash over him.

Will was up early Monday morning and feeling good. He was pleased with how well the meeting between Rafael and Wolfgang had gone. Things felt like they were settling into place. He felt most of his children more now. He talked to Mari and Niki a lot, and he felt Tora often, though she wasn’t chatty. Anwar was a constant ball of tension and worry but he was doing well and he had felt the exquisite happiness of Teddy and Rafael’s kiss the day before. The only sticking point was Alois and Elin. He was worried about them, as they were both still resisting a connection with him. It felt a little like when Wolfgang pushed him out.

He was worried about Wolfgang too. Something had happened yesterday that he wasn’t quite clear about but whatever it was, his clustermate didn’t want him to know about it. With Wolfgang, that usually meant it was something to worry about.

Normally, Gunnar was the first up but that day, as Will made his way downstairs there was no sign of him. It was still quite early. He went to the kitchen and started on breakfast. Pancakes. Riley’s favourite.

He’d been cooking for a few minutes when he became aware that he was no longer alone. Smiling, he turned to Sun.

‘Hey.’

She gave him a nod and watched him cook for a moment.

‘Is there something wrong?’ he asked. ‘You don’t normally visit just to watch me cook.’

She was frowning and he could feel her deliberating. There was something she wanted to tell him but she wasn’t sure how to phrase it or maybe how much she should tell him.

‘Whatever it is, you can tell me.’

She met his eyes. ‘I promised I wouldn’t but …’

‘Is this about Wolfgang?’

A small smile crossed her serious face. ‘How did you know?’

Will stopped mixing the batter and turned to look properly at her. ‘What’s going on?’

‘I think maybe you should visit Alois, make sure he understands about the cluster.’

‘Alois? What’s he doing?’

‘I think you should ask him to give Wolfgang some space. That’s all I can say.’

‘Damn stubborn German,’ muttered Will. ‘So, he tells you what’s going on but won’t tell me and makes you promise not to tell me either.’

Sun just shrugged. ‘You know Wolfgang. He doesn’t ask for help.’

Will let out a chuckle. ‘Yeah, you’re right. He doesn’t, damn him.’ 

Sun squeezed his shoulder, gave him a reassuring smile, then was gone.

Deep in thought, Will went back to cooking the pancakes. He had kept trying to get through to Alois but nothing had happened. Maybe with Riley’s help, they might be able to get through. She did think she had met Elin and he knew Alois was spending a lot of time with Elin. If it didn’t work, they would arrange their visit to Paris and meet him in person.

But what did Sun meant about getting him to give Wolfgang some space? Why would he want to crowd Wolfgang while he was so keen to avoid any contact with Will? It was strange. He had immediately known so much about the other members of the cluster, his children. But Alois was still a mystery, keeping all his cards close to his chest.

‘Mmm, I thought I smelled pancakes,’ said Riley, coming up behind him and hugging him. Her warmth seeped through him, both body and mind. He could feel her physical presence, but also her mind. He smiled. There is always music in her head, different songs, different beats flitting through her mind, a song for every mood.

He turned into her, leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips. ‘Good morning,’ he murmured.

She gave him one of her brilliant smiles. ‘Morning.’ She pulled him to her and kissed him, softly and deeply. ‘Maybe we could go back to bed after breakfast.’

With regret, he pulled away but didn’t go too far. ‘That sounds great but … there’s something going on with Wolfgang.’

Concern replaced Riley’s sleepy happiness and she frowned. ‘What? Is he having a relapse?’

‘No. Or at least, I don’t think so. Sun came to visit me. She wouldn’t say exactly what’s happening. I think he made her promise not to but something’s going on with him and Alois.’

‘And you want to try again to connect with him.’

‘I thought you might be able to help. I think he’s with Elin a lot.’

Riley sighed. ‘I haven’t connected with her either.’

‘But you think you could, don’t you? You think you’ve met her, because you can feel her.’

‘A little.’ She smiled. ‘We can try together, _after_ breakfast. I’m starving.’

He laughed. Already he was feeling better. She always managed to make him feel like that. He didn’t know what was going on but he knew that, whatever happened, Riley would be by his side.


	67. Chapter 67

Elin was getting into a routine now. They went outside early to take their samples, then there was some solid work on analysis, each member of the team working on their own speciality. They usually socialised in the evening, though sometimes some of them went back and did more work. She still felt a little confused by the whole connection thing but she was getting more used to it now. She often caught snatches of emotion from the others but they didn’t seem to visit her much.

Sighing over her work, her thoughts turned to that day in the park. It had been good to see everybody together, to feel them all. It had been good to see Niki again.

But she was confused about why Alois didn’t like Wolfgang. He hadn’t done anything to them, and he was Will’s friend. Surely, he was a good guy. He’d been so tender with his baby, and with the rest of his family. How could Alois not trust him?

Though, she had been told she trusted too easily.

‘You do,’ said Alois.

Elin looked up, then glanced around to see what her colleagues were doing. They were all engrossed in their work. ‘What do you mean?’ she asked, under her breath.

Alois’s hand settled on the small of her back, stroking lightly. She wasn’t usually a person who invited physical contact, unless she knew the person really well, but Alois didn’t seem to need an invitation.

‘You’re so nice, so trusting, like a child. It’s sweet but it could be dangerous for you.’

‘Dangerous? How?’

‘People would take advantage of you, Elin. But don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe.’

‘I don’t think there’s much danger, certainly not from Will’s cluster.’

‘We don’t really know much about them, do we? There’s something I didn’t like about that Wolfgang, a set to his jaw maybe. I’m not sure what I felt from him but I don’t think we should trust him.’

‘I don’t see why not. I mean, Will trusts him.’

‘We don’t know Will much either. He says he’s a sort of father to us but well, just because someone is family, doesn’t mean they’re good for you, does it?’

‘I … I suppose not.’

‘I work with so many damaged people, Elin, and most of them, it was their families who did the damage. There are so many toxic people around, Elin, people who enjoy hurting or controlling others. I’ve seen it.’ He stroked her hair and smiled sweetly. ‘You’ve had such a sheltered life, I don’t think you understand things like that.’

She frowned, looking back at her desk. ‘Maybe I don’t. But we can trust our cluster, can’t we? Mari and Niki say we have a shared soul.’

‘That’s a very romantic notion, isn’t it? I would have thought you’d be above that, being a scientist.’

Elin felt a blush heating her cheeks. ‘I suppose so. Yes, it was a bit silly to say that.’

He patted the back of her head gently. ‘Yes, it was. Never mind. Anyway, I think we should keep ourselves to ourselves for the moment, until we know a little more about what’s going on.’

‘I suppose …’

‘Yes, you’re right. We’ll just stick with each other for now. That’s all we need, of course.’

Elin nodded and tried to focus on her work but she wasn’t quite sure how they’d arrived at that conclusion.

‘School is scary. I don’t want to go,’ said Konani, folding his arms across his chest and scowling. Nomi was reminded of Wolfgang when he didn’t want to do something. Stubborn.

‘I want to go,’ said Melika. ‘I want to learn _everything_.’

‘You’re only visiting today,’ said Amanita, brightly. ‘We’ll be with you and you’ll get to meet all the other kids and the teachers will be nice.’

‘Not going,’ said Konani.

Amanita glanced helplessly at Nomi. ‘What do we do? We can’t drag him.’

‘I want to go!’ wailed Melika.

‘All right. Mellie, go and play with Mama a minute,’ said Nomi, taking charge. She reached out and offered her hand to Konani. ‘Will you come and have a chat with me, Ko?’

He nodded, slowly uncrossing his arms and taking her hand. She let him off to his room and they sat on the bed together. ‘What are you scared about, Ko?’

‘Other kids are mean.’

Nomi hesitated, but she wasn’t going to lie to her son and say that the other kids were only going to be nice to him. She knew first-hand that sometimes they weren’t. ‘Yeah, sometimes other people can be mean.’

He looked at her, wary but listening.

‘People have been mean to me sometimes, and Mama. Not everyone you meet will be nice, though I wish they were.’

‘Will there be mean kids at school?’

‘Maybe, but there’ll also be lots of nice people. And there’ll be teachers who will look after you and stop the mean kids from being mean. Wherever you go, there will always be nice people and people who love you and want to be your friend.’

‘I don’t want you to leave us.’

‘We’re not leaving you. We’re going to have a look at school and see what we think together.’ She squeezed his hand. ‘If you don’t feel safe there, then we’ll look for somewhere else but you know what?’

‘What?’

She grinned. ‘I think it’s going to be a lot of fun. You know they have an art corner?’

‘Really?’

‘Yep, even more art stuff than you’ve got here.’

Konani let go of her hand and jumped down off the bed. ‘Come on, mom! I don’t want to be late for school.’

Laughing, Nomi followed her son back out of his room. When she reached the main living area, he was already putting his shoes on.

‘How did you do that?’ asked Amanita.

Nomi shrugged. ‘Just talked to him, empathised a little.’

Amanita grinned and took Nomi’s hand. ‘Nice!’

Wolfgang woke with a feeling of unease in his belly. The bedroom was quiet but not empty. He could feel Anika’s snuffling snores in her cot and he was surrounded on either side by the warmth of his spouses. They were both stirring into wakefulness with him.

He reached back and slid his hand across Rajan’s thigh, where it was bare below his boxers. His husband reached for him, his gentle hand settling on Wolfgang’s hip. His soft lips pressed a whiskery kiss to the back of his neck.

Kala turned into him and kissed his mouth, slowly and softly. ‘I really miss sex,’ she murmured. ‘Anika’s fast asleep.’

‘Nothing too energetic though,’ said Rajan. ‘The midwife said be careful for a little while.’

‘Doesn’t mean we can’t share a little pleasure,’ murmured Wolfgang, kissing a gentle path of kisses down Kala’s jaw, then moving to her neck. ‘We probably need it. I know I do.’

Kala pulled back to look at him. ‘Did you have another dream?’

‘Mmm, help me forget about it,’ he said, slipping his arm around her and pulling her back for another kiss.

‘I really don’t think …’

‘Think later,’ he interrupted her.

Rajan’s hand was pushing beneath his boxers now, sliding over his thigh with gentle caresses. He reached around and teased his fingers lightly over Wolfgang’s half-hard cock. Wolfgang closed his eyes as tingles of pleasure started to flow through him.

Kala gasped, feeling it too. He pushed into her, wanting to create more of that pleasure in her. He cupped her waist, then slid his hands up over the bodice of her negligee to cup her breasts. They were fuller now and more sensitive, he knew. Instead of pinching like he used to, he traced his thumbs gently over the smooth silk and felt her nipples harden beneath the material.

She gasped again and he leaned forward to kiss her, wanting to taste her. She murmured soft sounds into him and he grinned against her. He was addicted to that noise.

Rajan grasped his cock, slowly coaxing him to full hardness. It didn’t take much effort, as the pleasure flowed between Wolfgang and Kala. Rajan was used to that. He understood how symbiotic they were in their pleasure and he used it to his full advantage.

Wolfgang trailed his fingers down her spine, drawing another gasp from her. He reached her full, round bottom and slipped his hands beneath the skirt of her silk nightdress to cup her buttocks through her flimsy panties.

With Rajan working his cock and the pleasure echoing across them both, Kala was already breathing hard and trembling a little. He had to focus not to lose it himself, but he wanted to give her the full attention here.

He moved further down the bed and Rajan lost his grip on him. Wolfgang could feel Rajan watching, getting ready to enjoy the show as Wolfgang settled between Kala’s legs and slid her panties down from beneath her negligee.

Kala’s hands landed on his bare shoulders. He looked up at her. She lay back on the pillows, her eyes closed in anticipation. Her mouth was open and her breathing was hot and heavy. He lifted her nightdress up, exposing her most private parts to him. For a moment, he gazed at her in quiet love and admiration. She squirmed a little and he grinned as he felt how much she was enjoying his close attention.

Then he dropped his head, opened his mouth and tasted her. Her legs trembled beneath his light grip as he swiped his tongue slowly and teasingly across her clit. She was all heat and sweetness. He loved the taste of her and it felt like too long since he had done this.

Through Kala, he saw Rajan watching in rapt enjoyment of the sight before him. For a moment, he was forgetting his own role in this.

But suddenly he seemed to remember and he lay beside Kala and started to give her all his focus. As Wolfgang kissed and licked between her legs, Rajan kissed and licked her jaw, her neck and her chest.

Wolfgang allowed himself to get lost in her pleasure. The three of them were one like this, as electric pleasure sparked through them like a circuit, each one needed to keep the connection going.

Her legs wrapped around him suddenly and she let out a cry. He picked up his pace, sensing her orgasm building. His tongue moved fast over her clit, driving sparks through her. He felt her climax build in him and he had to focus to keep control of himself. She gripped his shoulders hard, her nails digging into his skin and she came hard, her legs clenching around him.

When she released him, lying on her pillow panting, Wolfgang reached for Rajan’s hand. He pulled him to him and manhandled him into a kneeling position above him on the bed, before he yanked his boxers down and took him into his mouth in one movement.

Rajan gasped in surprise and pleasure as Wolfgang’s warmth enveloped him. Wolfgang smirked around his mouthful as he felt Kala watching them, her hand already between her legs, eager to give herself a second orgasm.

He deepthroated Rajan, grasping his buttocks to encourage him to fuck his mouth. Wolfgang wanted to consume them completely, to have their love flow through him. Rajan, knowing he could take it, went for it, fucking his mouth hard and fast. The roughness was a delicious contrast to the gentleness with which he’d dealt with Kala.

Wolfgang looked up as he felt him getting close, wanting to see that expression as he came. He always had that same little frown, his mouth always fell open and, often, he gasped or cried Wolfgang’s name.

He did it again, gripping Wolfgang’s shoulders tightly as he moaned Wolfgang’s name as his orgasm shuddered through his body.

Then it was Wolfgang’s turn. He was already close when his spouses took hold of him, pressed him gently to the bed and kissed him possessively.

Yes, he belonged to them. He was theirs completely.

Rajan took him into his mouth, as Kala kissed and caressed him, her love clear in her gentleness. As always he could feel her love for him. It was complete and all-consuming.

He came with his hand in Rajan’s dark curls and his mouth meeting Kala’s in a kiss. Afterwards, they lay together, just stroking each other and kissing leisurely, until Anika woke and decided it was time for her breakfast. He knew it was only a matter of time before the nightmares came to the forefront of his mind but, in the meantime, he was determined to lose himself in his family. They were all that mattered.


	68. Chapter 68

Riley relaxed, allowing her mind to reach out to the presence she had barely felt before. She could feel Elin, feel her shy intelligence and her quiet passion. In their minds, they shared the same language, the same childhood stories and lullabies, the same majestic landscapes.

One moment, Riley was sitting in her living room with Will, his legs curled around hers as they sat on the sofa together. The next, she was in a bare bunk room, looking at Elin, who was lying on her bed reading a book. In a second, she knew where she’d seen her before and her heart throbbed. She reached for Will’s hand and gripped it tight.

_The dark emptiness of the cave, the whistles of the wind piercing her ears, the wetness of tears on her face and the throbbing ache of loss in her belly. But she isn’t alone in her grief. Two children, a few years younger than her, stare at her from the mouth of the cave._

The day her mother had died. Elin had grown up but her gaze was the same. Curious, shy and a little frightened.

‘Who are you?’ asked Elin, sitting up on the bunk.

Riley smiled. ‘Don’t you know?’ she asked, in Icelandic. ‘Don’t you remember?’

Elin stood up, abandoning her book, and looked into Riley’s face. ‘I know you from home. You’re … you can’t be …’

‘We met on the Lava Beach, in a cave. I’m Riley.’

‘You’re Will’s Riley.’

Riley laughed. ‘He’d probably say he’s mine, but yes. We live together in Reykjavik and we’re in the same cluster. That’s how we met. You haven’t really met many of your cluster yet, have you?’

Elin looked away. ‘I’m not sure about them. Having all these strangers in my head, it’s odd and uncomfortable. I don’t know whether I should let them in yet.’

‘I know it’s frightening, and confusing at first. But your cluster, they’re a part of you. My cluster, they’re my family and it didn’t take long to feel like that.’

‘Alois says a lot of families are toxic, that we shouldn’t trust them just because they’re like family.’

Riley frowned. ‘Well, I suppose he’s right that some people are bad for you but … all your cluster want to know you. I think they’re good people. Will trusts them and he’s a good judge of character.’

Elin still didn’t look at her. She picked up her book and pressed it closed. ‘Alois thinks we should be careful, for now.’

‘And you trust Alois?’

‘Of course. He’s a psychiatrist. He knows how to read people. I don’t at all. I mean, I didn’t even know my own brother wanted to run away from us.’

‘Is that what happened to him?’

Elin shrugged. ‘I don’t know. We never found out. But Alois said it sounded like he did.’

‘I think you should make your own mind up about things, Elin.’

‘What are you trying to say?’

‘I just think you should decide yourself what you think about your cluster, not just believe what Alois says.’

Elin’s expression hardened. ‘I think you should go now.’

‘Elin, you’re an intelligent person. You…’

‘Please, leave. Go!’

Riley was startled to feel a force suddenly, like a psychic wall had been forced between them and she was no longer able to keep the connection. She blinked and found herself back in her living room, Will watching her anxiously.

‘What happened?’ he asked. ‘Did you get through?’

‘For a while. She seems … distrustful and I’m not sure why.’

He frowned at her. ‘You’re thinking about Alois.’

‘I think he’s distrustful too.’ She looked at him. ‘Did you get through to him?’

Will shook his head. ‘Nah, I got nothing. Not even a flicker.’ He looked down at his lap and twisted his hands together. ‘I wish Jonas was still here. I guess I’m not very good at this whole Sensate Parent thing.’

She reached out for him, squeezing his shoulder. ‘Of course you are. Everybody else understands, don’t they? And a lot quicker than we did. I guess Alois is a wary sort of guy.’

He looked up and frowned. ‘You don’t like him.’

‘I don’t know him, Will. I can’t judge him before meeting him really. It’s just … I don’t know, the way Elin talked about him, it reminds me of how I was with an old boyfriend. And he was not a nice guy.’

He took her hand and she felt his distress at thinking of her pain. ‘I’ll keep trying to connect with Alois but I think we should arrange to get to Paris as soon as we can.’

‘I agree. I’ll book it later.’

‘Riley,’ called her father from upstairs. She frowned, getting up and climbing the stairs to find him. Will followed her.

‘What is it, Papa?’ she asked, going into his room. He was still in bed, which was unusual, but she was more startled to see what he actually looked like. He was paler than usual and looked very tired. She felt his forehead and he was burning up.

‘Papa, you’ve got a temperature.’

‘I feel awful. So achy and sore.’

‘It might be flu,’ said Will.

‘Whatever it is, we can’t go to Paris with Papa like this.’

‘Oh, no I’ll be fine, Riles. You go,’ objected Gunnar.

‘Don’t be silly, Papa. It’ll wait until you’re better.’

‘Course it will,’ said Will. He gave Gunnar a warm smile. ‘I’ll go and get you something you drink and eat if you can manage it.’

‘I don’t have much appetite. Maybe a little fruit.’

‘You need plenty of fluids and rest, Papa,’ said Riley, sternly.

He took her hand and patted it. ‘You’re such a treasure to me, Riley.’

She smiled, leaning over to kiss his hot forehead. ‘You’ll be better in no time with us looking after you.’

‘Maybe Kala could suggest the best medication,’ he said, then managed a smile. ‘Though tell Wolfgang I’ll do without his bedside manner for now.’

Riley chuckled. Well, he couldn’t feel _too_ terrible if he was still up to joking. But meeting Alois would have to wait until he was properly better.

It had been a few days now since Wolfgang’s last run. He was about due for another and he could feel it in the way his hands had started feeling twitchy. But he didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay in the flat, where it was safe.

He was walking around the living area with Anika snuggled against his chest, watching Rajan make pastry for the vegetable pie they were having for dinner. Anika’s warm weight was a comfort in his arms and he dropped light kisses into her dark curls, breathing in her sweet, clean scent. Just like her mama’s.

Rajan was singing under his breath and that was a comfort too, just the gentle, familiar sounds of his happy little life. Here in the flat, with his family, he felt safe. Here, nobody could touch them. Nobody could harm any of them. 

He knew Rajan and Kala were keeping a close eye on him though. He knew they were worried about him. He also knew that he should have explained what had happened the other day but neither of them had pressed him on it, recognising that that rarely ended well. They were happy and content, and he didn’t see why he should ruin that for them. Besides, now that he couldn’t feel that prickling at the back of his neck, he wondered whether it was just his paranoia after all.

Rajan glanced at him. ‘You look deep in thought, my love.’

‘Mmm, just letting my mind wander.’ He smiled as Rajan pulled a massive ball of dough from the bowl of his top-of-the-range mixer. ‘How much pastry are you making, Liebling?’

‘Oh, I thought I’d make a quiche tomorrow.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘I think you could make three quiches with that. You may have gone a little overboard.’

Rajan shrugged, grinning. ‘Maybe. But you like quiche. And pie. And everything really. I mean, I’m half-convinced that’s why you fell in love with me.’

A wide grin took over Wolfgang’s face. ‘It was part of it.’ He winked. ‘It was also how eager you are in bed.’

‘Wolfie!’ admonished Rajan. ‘Not in front of Anika.’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes. ‘She’s only a few weeks old. She doesn’t know what we’re saying yet.’

‘I suppose not. Still, you should get in good habits now.’

Wolfgang chuckled. ‘I’ll try.’

He felt Rajan take a long look at him, in what he clearly thought was a surreptitious manner. ‘Are you going running in the morning? Looks like you’re starting to need one.’

Wolfgang started walking the other way, so that Rajan couldn’t see the way his hand twitched against Anika’s back.

‘Maybe in a few days,’ he fibbed, wincing as he did so and glad Rajan couldn’t see his face. He felt Rajan looking searchingly at him and he knew he saw through the lie. Where was Lito when you needed him?

‘I’m not lying for you with this one,’ said Lito. ‘If you can’t lie to them yourself, you should try talking to them.’

Wolfgang just scowled and didn’t reply.


	69. Chapter 69

There were police officers at the train station, striding across the platform. Anwar’s stomach lurched in fear and his heart started to pound. How was he supposed to stay away from police, like the stranger had suggested, if they were everywhere?

‘Be calm,’ said Alois, by his side suddenly. ‘Act like you belong here.’

‘You do belong,’ said Niki. ‘You’re human, on the earth.’

‘You only want to protect your family,’ said Tora, calm and rational as always.

With them beside him, Anwar felt better. He felt their calm washing over him and they were with them as he led the group through the station. There were lots of other people in the station too, many more than he had expected for such a small station. From what he knew about the place it was unlikely to be a commuter place and the people huddled around in various corners of the station did not look like commuters. They were all dressed in a hodgepodge of clothing and every single one of them looked exhausted and a little grubby. With a start, he realised they were mirror images of him, his boys, Rasha and Norah, that same mix in their eyes of loss and hope. They were refugees.

He led the way forward and approached one of the groups, what looked like a family group with a man, woman and three children.

‘Excuse me,’ he asked, in Arabic.

The man looked up. ‘Have you come from Syria?’ he asked, also in Arabic.

‘We have. We’re trying to get to Austria.’

The man gave him a small smile. ‘So are we all. The police say there will be a train coming soon that will take us all there. A train just for us.’ His face brightened. ‘Isn’t that wonderful?’

Anwar smiled back, though his stomach felt fluttery as though his body was trying to warn him about something. ‘It is. Thank you.’

He returned to his family and relayed to them in a quiet voice what the man had said. It seemed like the sort of place you had to whisper, a place of anxiety.

‘Praise be to Allah,’ whispered Rasha, holding Norah tightly against her. ‘At last. We’ll soon be safe in Austria.’

But something was bothering Anwar and, as he looked at Alois still beside him, he knew it was bothering him too. Why would the Hungarian government and the police, who didn’t want them to come to their country, direct them so easily and politely onto their destination? Wasn’t that just the way to encourage more Syrians to come, seeking the way to safety? But what choice did he have? He had to get his family to safety, the safety that lay ahead in Austria and in Germany.

Alois met his gaze for a moment, then murmured. ‘I’ll be back,’ before he disappeared, leaving Anwar alone again, with all the responsibility for his family’s safety on his shoulders.

Wolfgang knew he needed some proper exercise, something to blow the cobwebs away and calm himself down. It was the only way to stop Rajan and Kala worrying about him.

It was early morning and he’d been up with Anika already, changing her and having a cuddle and a chat with her before passing her onto Kala. Now, Kala was sitting on the sofa feeding her while Rajan started on their breakfast.

Wolfgang didn’t say where he was going, just stripped off on his way upstairs. He felt them both watching him.

On their terrace, the pool sparkled in the sun. He stood on the edge of the pool, naked beneath the clear blue sky. Standing on the tile, he stretched, the water moving in the slight breeze and wetting his toes. The sun was pleasantly warm on his bare skin and he closed his eyes for a moment, absorbing its heat.

He dived in, relishing the power of his body as he made smooth, long strokes through the water. Peace surrounded him immediately, like it was in the cool, clear water itself. He swam in silence with slow but powerful strokes propelling him forward. He felt he was leaving his troubles behind with every length across the pool.

He’d been swimming for half an hour before he felt Kala and Rajan’s presence behind him. He turned and ambled towards them. They’d both changed into their swimming things and Anika, in Rajan’s arms, was wearing a swim nappy and a long-sleeved swimming t-shirt, to protect her from the sun, though it was still early and not too hot.

Kala gave him a smile. ‘Can we join you or would you rather stay alone?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Come on in. The water’s great.’

Rajan passed Anika down to him before he jumped in, while Kala climbed in carefully via the ladder. Wolfgang took his daughter gently, lowering her into the water. She liked her baths so he thought she’d probably like this too. He held her carefully, waist deep in the water. She kicked her legs and gurgled happily.

He watched Rajan do a couple of laps to stretch out before he returned to him, as Kala floated on her back and sighed contentedly. Rajan came to his side, settling his hand on his shoulder and catching droplets of water with his thumb.

‘Feeling better?’ he asked, in that gentle, knowing tone.

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Loads.’

‘So, how come you don’t want to go running?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Just don’t.’

Rajan frowned. ‘Wolfie,’ he said, his voice a low, warning tone. Wolfgang looked at him, a twinge of guilt in his stomach.

Kala stopped floating and swam over to them. She stood with them, taking Anika into her arms. Her expression was serious too and Wolfgang suddenly got the sense that this was a set up. What did they call it on those American shows? An intervention?

He sighed, skirting his gaze away from them. Kala slid her free arm around his waist and Rajan cupped his shoulder. Anika batted her hand haphazardly against his chest. Rajan stroked her hair gently.

‘Now, Anika, do you think we can get Vati to tell us what’s wrong?’

Anika made a noise, as though she were replying. Wolfgang focused on his daughter’s face, partly because she made him feel calmer and partly to avoid looking at Kala and Rajan’s faces.

‘I’ve told you I’m fine. I’ve had my swim and now I feel perfectly normal.’

‘Wolfgang,’ said Rajan and there was a definite sharp tone to his voice.

Wolfgang glanced at Rajan and the frustration in his husband’s face made his chest stab with hurt. _Schei_ _ße, I must be fucking up if_ Rajan _is getting frustrated with me._ He didn’t speak. He couldn’t speak. He dived underneath the water, swam to the other end of the pool and got out.

He heard them calling after him but he didn’t respond. He grabbed his towel and went back inside. He went down into their bedroom and jumped in the shower. A couple of minutes later, he was back out, having rinsed off the chlorine and was dressed in jogging pants and a t-shirt. He wanted to go out, to run his feelings off, but the fear reared its head and he knew he couldn’t.

Instead he went to the kitchen to get a drink of water, to wash away the lump in his throat. He opened the fridge and the lump got bigger as he saw the mixing bowl of pancake batter standing ready for them for their breakfast.

He felt a surge of emotion rising up from his belly. It burst up through him, filling his chest and threatening to explode out of him. He grabbed a plastic bottle of water from the fridge and chucked it as hard as he could against the kitchen floor.

‘Verdammte Hölle! Fuck!’ he yelled as the cap split and the water glugged out onto the tile.

‘That’s not going to help,’ said Rajan. His voice was calm but Wolfgang could still feel the frustration beneath his soft words.

He glanced round at him. He was alone and had hastily pulled on his t-shirt with his swimming shorts. His hair was still wet and his jaw was set.

‘Don’t you think I know that? Fuck’s sake.’ He stomped out of the way of the spreading water and started heading towards the terrace. He needed a fucking smoke.

Rajan caught his arm as he passed him. ‘Wolfie, what’s going on? What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing is fucking wrong. I’m fine. I just wish you two would stop bugging me.’

‘Right, because you’re always like this when you’re fine, silly me.’

Wolfgang felt a flare of anger in his belly. Fuck, Rajan should get angry with him. He should yell at him to pack it the fuck in. Then they could have a proper argument. Just another way to deflect. It worked with Will. It worked with Kala. It worked with every teacher or social worker who’d never started asking difficult questions in his youth. Anger had even worked with his father, made him laugh and call him ‘my boy’ instead of hurting him. Anything to stop the hurt.

He yanked his arm away. ‘I’m going for a fucking smoke, if you’ll just leave me alone for five minutes.’ He took a step past Rajan.

Rajan turned and Wolfgang heard him draw in a ragged breath. ‘Fine, don’t tell us. Just go through your life not trusting anyone at all. I thought you trusted _us_ , Wolfgang. But if you don’t then I don’t know why we fucking bother.’

Wolfgang halted mid-step. His heart hammered in his chest and he could barely hear anything over the rushing of blood in his ears. Why was he bothering? If he couldn’t trust them … but he did trust them. He’d trusted them with the biggest secrets in his life. He’d trusted them with the hurt that had haunted him all his life. Why couldn’t he trust them with this?

He didn’t feel himself go but the next second, he was on the floor in a crumpled heap, trembling. Rajan was at his side immediately, pulling him into a firm, all encompassing hug.

‘Oh, my love,’ murmured Rajan, pressing a kiss to his temple and smoothing his fingers through his hair. ‘I’ve got you, it’s all right.’

Wolfgang couldn’t speak, couldn’t do anything but submit to Rajan’s embrace. He felt another soft kiss, on the back of his head this time, and he knew Kala was with him too, though she was still upstairs with the baby. He sank into them, knowing that they were all that was grounding him.


	70. Chapter 70

Wolfgang didn’t want to move. His face was pressed to Rajan’s neck and he was breathing him in. Rajan was warm and solid and calm against him, his love radiating from him like he was a sensate himself.

They were still on the floor and Rajan’s hand was moving in gentle circles on his back. Wolfgang focused on the feeling of him, trying to keep himself grounded. Somewhere nearby, he could feel Kala. She’d come into the living room and he thought she was perhaps putting the baby down for a nap.

Rajan kissed his cheek and combed his fingers through his hair. ‘Talk to me, Wolfie,’ he murmured.

Wolfgang sat up and his gaze raked over Rajan’s face as he tried to read his mood. He looked away. ‘I’m starving,’ he said, horribly conscious of his deflection. ‘Weren’t you making pancakes?’

‘Wolfie,’ said Rajan, darkly. ‘You’re not avoiding this.’

Wolfgang kept his gaze studiously away.

Kala came over, her hand landing on the back of his neck and massaging gently. ‘Rajan’s right, Wolfgang. You can’t avoid this, not anymore.’ He looked up at her and her gentle brown eyes were full of compassion, but also firm. He ducked his head.

‘Anika’s asleep in her carry cot. You’ve got our full attention and now is the time.’

He didn’t look up but Rajan pulled back, taking his hand and tugging him firmly to his feet. The three of them moved over to the sofa and Wolfgang found himself in between them. For a little while, nobody spoke. They just held him, stroking his hair, kissing his cheek and caressing his skin.

Rajan held him tight, his chin on his shoulder. Kala held his hand and kept trailing a finger along his jaw. He realised he couldn’t avoid this any longer. They weren’t going to let them get away with it.

‘You’re going to think I’m paranoid,’ he said.

Rajan and Kala exchanged glances and Wolfgang groaned, throwing his head back against the sofa and glaring up at the ceiling.

‘See? You’re already thinking that and I haven’t even said anything.’

‘What’s going on?’ Will asked.

Wolfgang looked up. The rest of the cluster were there, all watching him with different degrees of concern and anxiety on their faces. They probably all thought he was being paranoid.

‘You are not paranoid,’ said Sun and everybody looked at her.

‘What do you know, Sun?’ asked Will. ‘What’s happening?’

‘I do not know.’ She looked at Wolfgang. ‘But I know you. You do not imagine threats but you see danger when others do not.’ She gave him one of her subtle smiles, the sort he knew not many people picked up on. ‘You are used to looking for danger.’

She was right. He’d been trained in that, almost since birth.

‘Wolfie,’ said Rajan, gently. ‘Please tell us what it is.’

He took a deep breath. ‘I think someone’s following me.’

‘Why would someone be following you?’ asked Kala. ‘Who would?

Wolfgang’s gaze flickered to Will, who tensed visibly.

‘It’s nothing to do with my cluster,’ he said, his voice rising with indignation.

Wolfgang scowled. ‘Funny, I thought _we_ were your cluster.’

Rajan frowned. ‘Can somebody fill me in on the other side of this conversation?’

‘Will thinks I’m getting at his _children_ again.’

‘I didn’t say…’ started Will.

Riley nudged him. ‘Calm down, elskan. Wolfgang never said anything about them.’

‘Something must be going on though,’ said Nomi, calm and rational.

‘You think you know who it is following you, don’t you?’ said Capheus.

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘I don’t want to start an argument.’

‘So you _are_ blaming my cluster,’ said Will.

Wolfgang got up, storming away from them to try to get some of his anger out. ‘See this is why I’m keeping it to myself. I haven’t mentioned anyone’s name yet you’re at my throat.’

‘I’m not sure this is helping,’ said Rajan. ‘Maybe Kala and I should just talk to Wolfgang alone.’

‘Don’t even act like I’m the only one who’s felt this,’ Wolfgang continued, as though Rajan hadn’t even spoken. ‘I know you’ve felt something too, Will. Don’t deny it.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ said Will, obstinately. ‘I haven’t felt anything, nothing real anyway.’

‘You’re so fucking terrified to admit that one of your children might not be perfect,’ snapped Wolfgang, aware that the rest of the cluster were staring between them, lost at what to do. He knew they could feel the hurt and anger on both sides and they didn’t know how to fix it. 

‘Nobody’s doing anything to you!’ said Will, starting to shout. ‘You’re just so fucking paranoid after all the Whispers stuff, you see enemies everywhere.’

Anger pulsed through Wolfgang and he clenched his fists. But he was still with it enough to stop himself shouting, for Anika’s sake. She didn’t deserve to be in a home full of anger and shouting. ‘This is nothing to do with Whispers and I am telling you, if you trust me at all, someone is following me.’

He glanced at Sun. ‘Say his name,’ she said.

Wolfgang met Will’s eyes. ‘It’s Alois. Alois is following me.’

Will stared at him in silence for a moment, then blinked away tears. ‘He hasn’t done anything to you, none of them have. Why can’t you trust them? Trust me?’

‘I do trust you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be wrong.’

Will turned away and then he was gone. Riley called after him, the only one of them now still able to see him. She looked helplessly at Wolfgang. ‘He … he doesn’t want to believe this …’

‘I know.’

‘Go to him, Riley,’ said Kala.

Riley gave them a weak smile, then she was gone too. Wolfgang looked around at the remaining cluster, who all looked at helpless as he felt.

‘I wish we weren’t all so far away,’ said Capheus. ‘Maybe we could come to Paris.’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘If Alois is dangerous, there’s no point putting more of you in danger.’

‘Do you think he really is dangerous?’ asked Kala, coming to his side and taking his hand.

‘I don’t know. I just get this feeling of danger, this prickling at the back of my neck and I don’t know why.’ He looked between Kala and Rajan. ‘But I need to keep you safe, no matter what’s going on.’

Rajan gave him a smile. ‘You’ll keep us safe. You always have.’

‘I’ll see what I can find out about this Alois,’ said Nomi. ‘Maybe it’ll explain your funny feelings.’

‘Thanks,’ he said.

She nodded at him, gave him a smile, then she was gone.

‘We’ll be on the first plane if you need us to come,’ said Capheus.

Wolfgang gave him a grateful smile and watched him disappear.

Sun grasped his shoulder and smiled. ‘If you need some help …’

He nodded, resisting the urge to say he was fine. If he said that again, Rajan’s head might explode. ‘I know,’ he said.

He glanced around and realised that Lito was still there, looking anxiously at him. ‘What is it, Lito?’ he asked.

Lito bit his lip, swinging his hands nervously. Wolfgang could see how full of barely repressed nervous energy he was and he felt some sympathy. He knew how that felt recently.

‘I don’t want to make you more worried,’ said Lito. ‘But I think someone’s following me too.’


	71. Chapter 71

Rajan didn’t object this time when Wolfgang said he was going for a smoke. Wolfgang knew his husband was frustrated with the cluster for getting him wound up again after Rajan had got him calmed down.

As Wolfgang walked out onto the balcony and lit his cigarette, he felt the urge to visit Will and, for a moment, he caught a glimpse of Will’s stormy gaze before he pulled himself back. Neither of them were ready to talk to each other yet.

He glanced back into the living room, where Rajan and Kala were talking. Wolfgang didn’t need to visit to know that Kala was catching Rajan up with what the rest of the cluster had said.

Wolfgang took a deep drag of his cigarette, trying to calm himself down. He hated arguing with his cluster, or rather with Will. He and Will had been the only ones arguing. Why was it always them? Too different, he supposed, and too similar at the same time.

‘You look tense,’ said a voice beside him.

Wolfgang looked up and was surprised to see Rafael. ‘Ja,’ he said. ‘I had an argument with my cluster.’

‘What about?’

Wolfgang scrutinised his expression but there was nothing too deep about it, just simple open curiosity. He couldn’t help liking Rafael. There was nothing two faced about the man, no sly side to him.

‘About your cluster,’ he said.

Rafael frowned. ‘What abut us?’

‘Alois. I think he’s following me. Will wasn’t pleased with the suggestion.’

‘You don’t trust Alois, do you?’

‘I’m sorry. I know he’s one of your cluster but I can’t help how I feel about him.’

‘He says he doesn’t trust you either.’

Wolfgang arched an eyebrow in surprise. ‘So that’s why he’s following me.’

Rafael shrugged. ‘Maybe. I’ll tell him to knock it off. If I can. I don’t think he’s the type that likes to be told what to do.’

Wolfgang didn’t reply to that. Despite how he felt about Alois, he wasn’t going to act like he knew him, when he didn’t know anything at all. Maybe that was why he made him feel threatened, the fact that he didn’t know him. He was a strong character for sure.

‘I appreciate it,’ he said. ‘I know Will wants us all to get on.’

Rafael smiled. ‘Don’t tell him this but he reminds me of my Abuelita. She wants everyone to get on all the time. Even when we’re having serious issues, she doesn’t see why we can’t get on.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Yeah, Will’s … well, there’s a reason he gets called mom a lot. He looks after us. He always has.’ He looked at Rafael. ‘I know you don’t know him well yet but he’s a good person. One of the most caring I’ve ever met. Whatever you feel about me, you should trust him.’

Rafael smiled softly. ‘We do. I don’t understand it but we can feel all those things about him, like we’ve always known him.’

‘That’s because you’re Sensate, and he birthed you so you’ve got this connection. You should be able to see some of his memories but it’s fuzzy, like movie clips seen through frosted glass. Maybe some of his memories will help Alois trust me.’

Rafael bit his lip. ‘He’s … difficult to get to know. It’s like … I know the others instinctively but he’s different somehow.’

‘Sometimes it takes time to accept being Sensate. Though, some never accept it. I hope he’s not one of those.’

Rafael was silent for a little while, mulling that over. Wolfgang just stood and smoked his cigarette, watching the Paris skyline, now so familiar to him.

Eventually, he felt Rafael take a deep breath. ‘You were right about Teddy. I kissed him and … well …’ He grinned broadly. ‘It worked.’

Wolfgang grinned back. ‘Good.’ He reached out and patted Rafael on the shoulder. ‘Don’t waste any chances with him.’

Rafael looked oddly at him, titling his head on one side. Then he smiled. ‘I won’t.’

Wolfgang nodded, then put out his cigarette and went back inside.

He didn’t interrupt Rajan and Kala, just went up to the bedroom to clean his teeth. He was just changing his smoky t-shirt when Rajan came into the bedroom. He didn’t say anything, just stepped up behind him and wrapped his arms around his chest. He kissed his bare shoulder and held him against him.

At first, Wolfgang felt a little awkward, waiting for Rajan to say something reproving. But he didn’t. He just held him. Wolfgang felt himself relax into him, as Rajan’s steady strength surrounded him.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, gripping Rajan’s forearm where it rested against his stomach. ‘I know I shouldn’t keep things to myself like that.’

Rajan kissed his shoulder again. ‘I’m sorry I lost my temper with you.’

Wolfgang frowned and turned into him. He kissed him, tenderly, on the lips. ‘You shouldn’t be sorry for that. I needed a bit of a sharp word, at the very least. Some guys would have given me a good kicking for how I’ve been acting.’

Rajan frowned at him but didn’t say anything.

Wolfgang knew he couldn’t really understand the world of violence he’d come from. Rajan’s father could be cold and cruel but he wasn’t violent. The closest he’d come to violence was grabbing Rajan’s shirt when they’d come out to him about their relationship. It was nothing compared to the violence in Wolfgang’s past. It had taken Wolfgang a long time to realise that not every home was like that, that not every man was violent.

Rajan kissed him, so softly and full of love. ‘I just want you to know, I’ll always bother with you.’

Wolfgang smiled softly. ‘I know.’ He pulled Rajan into a close hug. ‘Thank you,’ he murmured in his ear.

Rajan didn’t say anything to that, just held him close and kissed his temple.

‘Raj …’ Wolfgang murmured.

‘Hmm?’

‘You don’t think I’m paranoid, do you?’

Rajan looked at him, then stroked his cheek softly. ‘No, my love. You sensed him following you. Maybe you’re mistaken as to why but anyone would feel worried and anxious with somebody following them. We just have to work out why he’s doing it and get him to stop.’

‘Rafael says he’ll talk to him.’

‘Good.’

‘There’s only one thing I can’t understand.’

‘What’s that, my love?’

‘Lito said he was being followed too. I just can’t work out why Alois would do that, or how. I mean Lito’s in LA and they haven’t even met yet. It doesn’t make any sense.’

‘We’ll find the answer together, my love. There will be some simple explanation.’

Wolfgang frowned but didn’t say anything in response to that. Rajan watched him for a moment, then pulled him into another hug. Wolfgang relaxed into the embrace, just letting Rajan’s presence soothe him. He was all right, nothing could go too badly wrong, as long as he was here in his home, with his family.

Hwyl’s booming laughter blasted Mari like a gale blowing in her ears. How could her mam cope with that noise all the time? She wanted to tell him to shut the hell up, but at the same time, she couldn’t help liking him. He always had a grin on his face and he did look after her mam. That was something that could be said for him.

‘Well, Geneth,’ he said, pausing the game show he was watching, one of those ones with slime and screaming and high-pitched canned laughter. ‘Shall we make your mam some tea? She’ll be home soon.’ 

It took Mari a moment, in the midst of her relief at the quiet, to realise that he was talking to her. She blinked at him, then signed. ‘What?’

‘Oh, cariad, I don’t understand all that hand stuff. Just speak! You’ve got a tongue in your head, don’t you?’ he said in a loud, cheerful voice.

Mari tried to breathe carefully and evenly as she tried to collect her thoughts. But the echo of the noise of the game show was still pulsing in her head and she couldn’t formulate a response. Her mind felt too busy. She still couldn’t work out what Hwyl was asking her.

‘He is asking if you want to help him make your mother some tea,’ signed Tora. ‘I suppose he means the evening meal, does he?’

Mari smiled, focusing on the still, calmness of Tora. She was at her drawing desk, with a fresh clean sheet of paper in front of her, ready to create all-new character sketches for her latest book. 

‘Yeah, sure. Tell you what, I’ll make it. You just relax,’ she said, aloud.

Hwyl gave her a big grin and reached across to roughly pat Mari’s shoulder. ‘You’re a good girl.’

Mari controlled her instinctive reaction to roll her eyes. Good girl? She was twenty-eight. Tora was laughing softly in her ear.

‘He’s charming, isn’t he?’

‘He’s just a bit loud for me,’ Mari signed as she went into the kitchen. Eowyn got up and padded after her.

‘You’re telling me!’ said Tora. ‘What does your mother see in him?’

‘I guess she likes loud. He is good to her, I suppose, and they get on so well.’ She glanced at Tora. ‘It’s a bit strange though for me though. She’s never been interested in dating before. Since my dad died, it’s just been us.’

‘It would probably help if he learned a bit of sign for you.’

Mari smiled. ‘We both know he’s not going to. Never mind. I’ll just have to make the best of it. It’s not like I live here.’

‘You should go on a walk later, get a bit of space from him.’

Mari smiled. ‘That’s a good idea. Maybe you and Reo could go on a walk at the same time.’

Tora grinned at her. ‘We will.’

Mari sighed contentedly as she started cooking. It was good to not even have to think about speaking. She could just sign and Tora understood and Tora never said anything to her without signing as well. For the first time in her life, she had someone who understood her, seemingly without even having to try.

As the time had passed, Anwar had got more and more anxious. Rasha kept talking excitedly about the train that would take them safely to Austria but Anwar felt it sounded too good to be true. And he could still feel Alois’s anxiety about it, even though he wasn’t there.

He turned his head as he heard the familiar chug chug of a train approaching and people started to get up and get their things together. The police all started moving closer together, like they were getting ready to herd everybody onto the train.

‘I’m not sure we should be getting on this train,’ he said, in a low voice.

Rasha frowned at him. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I just have a bad feeling about it. I don’t trust the Hungarian police. They don’t want us here.’

‘That’s why they’re helping us on to Austria.’

Anwar shook his head. ‘But that will only mean more of us come. I think they want to send us back.’

‘Don’t be silly. Norah and I are getting on the train, even if you don’t want to.’

Anwar felt torn. He didn’t want to leave his companions. He cared about them. But he _had_ to put his boys first. They had no one else to look after them.

The train pulled onto the platform and the crowd started moving towards him. Anwar stayed still, clutching his both his boys’ hands in one of his and feeling uncertain. What was the right thing to do?

Alois was beside him suddenly, his pale, handsome face set hard. ‘Do not get on that train,’ he said.

‘But what about my friends?’

‘No matter what happens, you _have_ to stay off the train.’

Anwar reached for Rasha. ‘Come on, we need to get out of here.’

She pulled away, frowning at him. ‘You’re not my husband,’ she said, sharply. ‘I’m getting my daughter to safety and we are getting on this train.’

‘Rasha, please,’ he begged.

‘You’re too cynical,’ she said. ‘Nothing bad is going to happen. We’re going to get on that train and get safely to Austria.’

He reached for her again but she yanked herself away and pushed forward into the crowd. For a moment, Anwar stood there helplessly, unsure what to do. The police were behind the crowd, urging them forward in heavily accented English and the odd ‘go’ in Arabic.

‘Get out,’ hissed Alois and pushed him hard.

Anwar got his boys in front of him, ducked his head and pushed backwards through the crowd. The crowd let him go easily, as they all wanted to go the other way. Anwar wanted to shout at them, to warn them but Alois was still talking in his ear. ‘It’s just for yourself now, forget about them. They’re too foolish to save themselves.’

‘But …’

‘Just think about you and your boys now.’

He bent almost double and slipped past the line of police, hidden by the crowd of his own people. Pushing his boys through the doors in front of him, he slipped into the waiting room and huddled up on the floor in the corner, holding his boys close to him.

The shouts of the police outside got louder, harsher and Anwar held his boys to him, his hands over their ears to try and protect them a little from the shouts and the harsh, aggressive orders from outside. In a moment, he was right back home in his cellar, trying to protect his boys from the bombs. Would they ever be out of danger?

Alois was still with him. He didn’t reach out for him but looked seriously at him. ‘I’ll get you to safety. You and your boys.’


	72. Chapter 72

Will’s hurt and anger was too big for Riley to cope with. He’d gone outside, to stomp about and try to calm down. She went up to see her Papa. He had the flu and had been in bed for a few days now. But they’d been looking after him and he was doing okay. When she went in, she found him sitting up reading a book.

‘Hi, Pop. How are you feeling?’

He put his book down and gave her a smile. ‘Not so bad this morning. Did I hear shouting downstairs?’

She bit her lip. ‘Yeah, there was an argument.’

He frowned at her. ‘Not you and Will?’

‘No. The cluster. Well … Will and Wolfgang.’

‘Ah, they are both headstrong. Is it about this new cluster?’

‘In a way. Wolfgang thinks one of them is dangerous, that he’s following him. Will’s a bit sensitive about them.’

‘He’s like … their parent, yes?’

‘In a way. I just don’t know how to fix this.’

He reached for her hand and squeezed it gently. ‘Oh, my little Riley. It’s not your job to fix it.’

‘But they’re both just so stubborn.’

‘Would it help if you could go to Paris now?’

She hesitated. She knew if she said yes, her Papa would insist they go, no matter how he felt. But he was already smiling.

‘The answer is yes then. Sven will look after me and I’m already feeling much better.’

‘Papa …’

‘No, I insist you go, Riley. I know how important your cluster is to you and these things are always best sorted out face to face, no matter who you are. Anyway, don’t you want to meet that new baby properly?’

She smiled. ‘Yes, of course.’

‘So you book those flights for a couple of days’ time and I’ll probably be better by then anyway.’

Riley leaned over and hugged him. ‘Thanks, Pop. I’d better go and talk to Will, see if he’s okay.’

‘You go, Riley. I want to have a sleep now.’

‘I’ll bring you up some food in a bit if you can manage something.’

‘Mmm, something easy to eat, Riles,’ he said, lying back down.

Riley let herself out again as her Papa went back to sleep. She felt better after her chat with her Papa. He always knew how to make her feel better. Now she just had to help Will feel better. 

Hurt and anger pulsed through Will and he wanted to visit Wolfgang, half of him to apologise and the other to argue some more. He winced at some of the things he’d said to Wolfgang but then got angry again as he thought of some of the things Wolfgang had said to him.

He _was_ fucking paranoid. Why would Alois want to follow him? He doesn’t even know him because Wolfgang refuses to even meet him.

_You don’t really know him either because he won’t let you in._

His thoughts betrayed him. He huffed to himself. ‘He’s just aloof and guarded,’ he said to himself. ‘Wolfie was like that at first.’

He could try again now, just him and maybe he could get Alois to clear the whole thing up. It wouldn’t be anything to do with Alois, no matter what Wolfgang’s paranoid mind was thinking.

He ignored the stab of guilt that thought gave him and instead focused on Alois, carefully reaching out for him. He felt the usual pull of the connection, then he found himself in an office. He looked around and realised it was Alois’s and the man was sitting behind his desk frowning at Will.

Will felt a flicker of irritation from Alois but he didn’t push him away. In fact, he didn’t do anything, just looked at him. Will felt uncomfortable and he didn’t know why.

‘Hi,’ he said.

Alois looked down at his work. ‘I don’t remember inviting you here,’ he said, coldly.

Will felt a shiver go up his spine. ‘You didn’t but it doesn’t really work like that. Connections just happen.’

‘I prefer things I can control.’

‘You will learn more control but connections are fragile, sometimes fleeting, and you can only let them happen.’

‘I do not let things happen to me. I like to be in control. Why have you come here?’

‘I want to know you. I birthed you as a Sensate. In a way, I’m your father.’

Alois snorted derisively. ‘My actual father is a waste of space and you look no better.’

Will ignored the stab of hurt he felt at those words. ‘I just want to know you.’

‘I have no interest in knowing you,’ said Alois, still with that cold tone.

Will didn’t know what to say to that. It was clear he was completely unwanted. ‘Are you following Wolfgang?’ he asked suddenly.

Alois spared him a glance, then returned to his work. ‘I’d like you to go now.’

Will felt the same mental push Riley had described and he was back in the grass outside the house. Riley was walking towards him.

He sat down in the grass and waited for her to join him. ‘You seem calmer now,’ she said, as she sat beside him.

He glanced at her. ‘Yeah,’ he replied, dejectedly.

She slid her arm through his and squeezed gently. ‘Papa says he’ll be all right if we go to Paris in a few days. He’ll get Sven to come and look after him.

He glanced at her. ‘I’m not sure that’s going to solve anything.’ He sighed heavily. ‘I’ve fucked up, Riles. I’m shit at this.’

‘You’re not, elskan. Everything will be sorted out.’ 

‘How? I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even know how to apologise to Wolfie.’

‘Maybe you just need to give each other some space right now. Let Rajan and Kala look after him and you can sort things out with him when we get to Paris.’ She smiled. ‘He’ll probably be so pleased to show Anika off, he’ll forget about being angry.’

He turned to look at her, those warm brown eyes so full of compassion and love for him. ‘Oh, Riles,’ he murmured. ‘I think it’s worse than that.’

She frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

He sighed and leaned against her, resting his head against her shoulder. He felt her arm go around him and hold him close. ‘I think Wolfie might be right about Alois.’

Wolfgang stepped into the hot water and breathed in the lavender scented steam. He lay down and let the heat and the bubbles envelop him, soothing away his worries. He closed his eyes and let out a soft, contented breath.

‘You are a vision, Wolfie,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang opened his eyes and smirked at his husband. Rajan was fully dressed, with his shirt sleeves rolled up and his forearms wet from running the bath for him. ‘Why don’t you join me?’

‘You’re supposed to be relaxing.’

‘That’s why you should join me.’

‘What about Kala?’

‘Hang on, I’ll check on her.’ He visited Kala and smiled as he found her. She was asleep on the sofa, with Anika in the carry cot beside her. He returned to Rajan. ‘She’s taking the opportunity for a nap.’

Rajan hesitated, then grinned and started to strip off. Wolfgang watched him, appreciatively. He was beautiful, though Wolfgang knew he didn’t think he was. But Wolfgang loved every inch of him and thought he was the most beautiful man in the world.

‘Come here, Liebling,’ said Wolfgang, once Rajan was naked.

Rajan grinned and stepped into the bath, sitting down opposite him. Wolfgang sat up and pulled him towards him for a deep, slow kiss. Rajan murmured against him and sighed contentedly into him.

‘Are you feeling better now?’ Rajan asked, as they parted.

‘Hmm,’ murmured Wolfgang. ‘How could I feel bad when I’ve got a naked Rajan in a hot bath with me?’

Rajan laughed, then scooted closer, wrapping his legs around Wolfgang and kissing him again. They kissed longer this time and allowed their hands to start trailing across each other’s naked bodies. There was no urgency about it, just gentle touches and soft explorations, reacquainting themselves with each other after the recent tensions.

Then Rajan sighed and turned into him, settling with his back against his chest. Wolfgang wrapped his arms snugly around him, taking comfort in the solid warmth of him in his embrace.

Rajan trailed his hand across his forearm. ‘You will try and talk to me, won’t you Wolfie?’ he asked, softly.

Wolfgang sighed and rested his chin on his shoulder. ‘I do try it’s just … I want to protect you.’

Rajan turned slightly to look at him. ‘Oh, my love, a relationship is about looking after each other. How can we look after you if you’re too busy trying to protect us by keeping things to yourself?’

Wolfgang looked into Rajan’s warm brown eyes. ‘I’m not used to being looked after.’

Rajan smiled gently. ‘Well you should be, after five years of me and seven years of Will.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Ja, das ist wahr, Liebling.’ He bit his lip. ‘Do you think Will will forgive me?’

Rajan laced their fingers together. ‘Of course, my love. You’ve made it up after worse arguments.’

Wolfgang leaned back again and Rajan rested back on his chest. ‘I’ll talk to him later.’

He dropped a kiss into Rajan’s dark, silky hair and trailed his fingers contentedly across his muscled chest and his soft belly. Where would he be without Rajan? He’d probably have had lots more arguments with Kala that was for sure. He’d be lost, he knew, because Rajan had helped him learn how to trust other people with his secrets. Without Rajan, he wasn’t sure he’d have ever been able to say it out loud.

Life wasn’t without trouble now and maybe it wouldn’t ever be but he did have support and he knew who he could count on in his life. He wasn’t alone.


	73. Chapter 73

Anwar didn’t know how long he had sat huddled in that corner with his boys. He had closed his eyes at some point, to blot out the reality of what was happening. Barak’s hand grasped his shirt and Basir clung to his hand.

‘Baba,’ Basir whispered. ‘What do we do now?’

Anwar sat up. ‘I’m not sure,’ he said. He looked around for his cluster but they weren’t there.

He looked further, knowing he couldn’t stay here. He still had to get to Austria. There was a screen in the corner of the waiting room. He squinted at it. It was in Hungarian but he thought he recognised the word for Austria.

He felt lost but he had to do something. He extracted himself from his boys’ grips and stood carefully. ‘Stay down,’ he murmured.

Barak and Basir obeyed him and he looked out onto the platform. There was nobody like him out there and the police were gone. There were some ordinary looking people and a few families with suitcases and bright, excited faces. Holiday makers.

‘I googled,’ said Mari, suddenly appearing beside him. ‘The screen says it’s a direct train to Austria. I think you should be all right on this one. You’ll need tickets. Speak English. They’ll respond to that.’

Anwar nodded. He stepped back to his boys. ‘Come on. We need to buy tickets. Stand with me and don’t say anything.’

They both nodded and, obediently, stayed silent.

Nerves rattling through his body, Anwar made his way to the ticket office. Thanking the cluster for his perfect English, he ordered tickets for the train with barely a glance from them.

‘What if it’s not safe?’ he asked.

Alois was there. ‘We’ll protect you.’

Anwar took a deep breath and stepped onto the platform. Nobody gave him a second glance. Now that he was on the platform, he spotted another few people like him, fellow refugees. So they were not the only ones who had escaped the first train.

Barak and Basir squeezed his hands tightly as they heard the train approaching. But they stayed quiet. The train pulled up and everybody filed on in an orderly manner. There were no police officers, no shouting, just ordinary people stepping onto the train. There was even some excited laughter.

Inside, it was clean and modern. They sat at a table, watching the people around them. Nobody looked twice at them. His cluster was still with him, all of them now and Anwar felt comforted and reassured by their presence. He could hear the music playing on Mari’s headphones and, although he didn’t recognise the song, it gave him comfort. He wasn’t alone. His cluster was with him.

‘Right,’ said Kala. ‘Let’s take Anika for a walk.’

Rajan and Wolfgang both looked up from where they were playing with Anika on her playmat. Rajan smiled but Wolfgang frowned.

‘I don’t think we should go out,’ he said. ‘I don’t think it’s safe.’ Just the idea of taking his family out into the streets of Paris made fear jerk through him. 

‘I’m fed up with staying in the flat all the time and Anika needs fresh air,’ said Kala, her voice going up as she got herself worked up. 

‘Then take her up to the terrace. It’s not safe to go out there,’ said Wolfgang firmly.

Rajan glanced between them, then gathered Anika up and put her in her bouncy chair. She kicked her legs happily. He stood and looked between them again, exuding calm.

‘Before we start arguing, let’s all take a deep breath and calm down.’

‘Who’s arguing?’ snapped Wolfgang and Kala in unison.

Rajan’s eyebrow quirked.

‘This wouldn’t be a problem if you’d let me keep my gun,’ muttered Wolfgang.

Kala glared at him. ‘Don’t you even _think_ about it, Wolfgang. Not with Anika in the house.’

‘All right,’ said Rajan. ‘Stop this before you get started.’ He looked at Wolfgang. ‘She’s right, Wolfie. We can’t stay in here cowering in fear. We need to live our normal lives.’

‘But it’s not safe. This Alois could want anything. He could want to hurt us.’

‘There have been no threats,’ said Rajan calmly. ‘Have there?’

‘Well, no but …’

‘So there could be many reasons why he’s following you, if he still is. I think we should go out for a walk, all get some fresh air. You’ll soon know if anyone’s following us, won’t you?’

Wolfgang frowned but grudgingly nodded. ‘Suppose.’

Rajan smiled gently and shook his head. He turned to Kala. ‘And we’re going to listen to Wolfie and keep calm, aren’t we?’

She huffed. ‘If you mean me, say so.’ But before Rajan could reply, she sighed. ‘All right. Yes, I’ll listen.’ She looked at Wolfgang. ‘If you say we need to come back, we will. But just give it a chance, won’t you?’

‘Yeah,’ said Wolfgang, begrudgingly. ‘I’ll give it a chance.’

She looked at him for a moment, then crossed to Wolfgang and tugged him into her arms. He rested his chin on her shoulder and held her. ‘I know you’re frightened but it’ll be all right, I’m sure. We’re all in this together.’

‘Will’s not,’ he muttered. ‘He doesn’t even believe me.’

‘Whatever Will thinks, he’ll be here if you need him. You know that.’

He turned his head into her hair and breathed her in. He felt Rajan close to them, ghosting his hand across their backs. ‘I’ll get Anika ready,’ he murmured.

Wolfgang held Kala and she held him back. He hated arguing with her but it just seemed to happen sometimes. Or a lot of the time. They had the exact same temper. Thank fuck Rajan didn’t.

‘Thank god for Rajan, huh?’

She laughed. ‘We’d have killed each other by now without him.’

He pulled back and looked at her for a moment, then kissed her softly on the mouth. ‘I love you,’ he murmured. ‘And I’m sorry about me.’

She cupped his jaw and kissed him again. ‘I’m not.’

‘Come on, lovebirds,’ said Rajan. ‘Ani and I are ready for our morning constitutional if you would care to join us.’

They pulled apart, smiling, to see Rajan and Anika both with their light coats on and the pram ready. Wolfgang was already feeling more relaxed. His spouses were right. He couldn’t hide in the house all the time. And it wasn’t like him to be afraid, to hide away from danger. It was just that, before, he’d never had anything worth protecting.


	74. Chapter 74

‘Oh my god, Lito! You got it, you got it!’ Dani squealed, jumping onto Lito and hugging him tight.

He laughed, catching her and holding her easily as she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist. An excited Dani jumping into his arms was one of his favourite things. Her joy was infectious, not that he wouldn’t have been excited to hear he’d got this job anyway but her excitement made every role just as precious as his first and best.

She slid down, grasping his arms and giving him one of her brilliant, infectious smiles. ‘We should celebrate. Let’s go pick up Hernando from work and go out to lunch to celebrate.’

Lito grinned. ‘If I celebrate as much as you want me to, I’d have to spend a lot more time in the gym.’

She slapped him lightly across the chest. ‘Oh, Lito, you exaggerate. Come on, put on something pretty for Hernando.’

He laughed. ‘I always do.’

He was more excited than he let on about this role, but also more nervous. He knew Hernando would see through it, though he wasn’t quite sure if Dani would. Sometimes her own excitement blinded her to anything else. He’d had plenty of roles in the past few years, after the success of Iberian Dreams. He has successfully broke into Hollywood, as Daniela put it. But his parts had all been quite similar, all gay romance movies, or parts where his character’s sexuality wasn’t revealed.

But this … For the first time in his whole life, he was playing a gay action hero. This was his dream, his most unlikely dream. But it was happening. It was really happening.

As they made their way from their house to meet Hernando, Dani linked his arm and started chattering to him about the movie. He smiled as she prattled on. He loved her spirit. Despite the horrors she’d had in her life, the coldness in her childhood and the violence in her relationships, she was still so bright and sunny.

‘You mean she’s brighter and sunnier than me,’ said Wolfgang, suddenly beside him.

Lito turned to smile at him and saw him in Paris. He was walked with Kala, who was pushing the pram, and Rajan, who was holding his hand. Wolfgang was smiling a little but Lito could feel he was on edge and apprehensive.

‘I don’t think anyone could describe you as sunny, my friend,’ Lito said.

Wolfgang chuckled softly. ‘No. But Rajan does describe me as sun-kissed occasionally.’

Rajan leaned into him. ‘Who you talking to about me?’ he asked, in Wolfgang’s ear.

Lito smiled as Wolfgang’s face brightened as he looked at his husband. The love he felt for him was so clear in his face. It was good to see Wolfgang like that. It reminded Lito of the way he looked at Hernando.

‘Just Lito. He got that part.’

‘Congratulations, Lito,’ said Rajan, with a friendly smile just to the left of where Lito was walking.

Lito smiled, then returned his attention to Wolfgang as they kept walking. ‘It’s good to see you out. Are you still worried about being followed?’

Wolfgang glanced around and Lito felt his spike of anxiety. ‘A little,’ he said and Lito knew he wasn’t telling the full truth. He could feel the fear pulsing in him. ‘What about you?’

Lito shrugged. ‘I’m not sure. My senses are not as good as yours.’

Wolfgang looked around Lito, examining his surroundings. ‘I can’t see anything. I do feel on edge but that could be because I’m nervous.’

‘Nothing has happened. Perhaps we all were all feeling a little paranoid.’

Wolfgang nodded, staying silent for a moment, his gaze still raking over their surroundings. ‘If anything does happen…’

‘I know. I will ask you or Sun or Will for help.’

Wolfgang hesitated, then met Lito’s gaze. ‘Don’t ask Will.’

Lito frowned at him. ‘Why not? What is going on with you two?’

Wolfgang looked away. ‘I’m just not sure where his loyalties are right now. I don’t know if he’d be able to do what it takes if it’s a choice between two people he loves.’

Lito watched him warily for a moment. ‘Will would do anything for us, wouldn’t he?’

Wolfgang shrugged then looked away. ‘He’s a good guy. His cop instincts are still strong. And he loves both clusters so much.’ He sighed. ‘No, I don’t think he could do it if it came to killing.’

‘I don’t think it will even come to that. I don’t think there is any real danger.’

‘Maybe not but I don’t want to take the chance. Not with my family.’

Lito glanced at Dani and thought of Hernando too. They were his family. ‘No. I know what you mean.’

Oma was delighted to see them when Rajan knocked on her door. She welcomed them in and her attention was immediately focused on Anika. With the sudden change of temperature, Anika woke up and Oma was immediately ready to swoop her out of her pram and give her a cuddle.

Kala just smiled and made a beeline for the sofa, glad to be free of the responsibility for a few minutes. Rajan was already chatting with Oma and Wolfgang slid in quietly, surreptitiously double checking the door was locked behind them.

Despite his efforts, he suspected with a glance that Oma’s sharp eyes had spotted it. The suspicion was confirmed when she handed him an orange juice instead of asking him if he wanted a coffee. He rolled his eyes and took a seat next to Kala.

Kala slid her hand through his and gave him a smile. ‘You’re doing well,’ she murmured.

He gave her a faint smile and squeezed her hand back.

Oma sat down with Anika on her knee, bouncing her a little. Her keen eyes swept over Wolfgang and he knew he couldn’t hide his feelings from her. He never had been able to do that.

‘So, are you going to stay for lunch?’ She turned her attention to Anika. ‘Then maybe we can help Vati with whatever’s upsetting him.’

She gurgled in response and Oma kissed the top of her head. ‘That’s right, Mäuslein. Vati can trust us, can’t he?’

Oma looked at him sharply and Wolfgang sighed. ‘It’s ... nothing really.’

‘Then why did you double lock my door?’

Wolfgang shrugged, somewhat sullenly he knew. Kala sat up straight, rubbing her thumb gently over the back of his hand.

‘We’re just having a few problems with the new cluster,’ she said. ‘Wolfgang isn’t sure he can trust them.’

‘Well, why don’t you ask around? Isn’t that the wonderful thing about being Sensate? You have connections that run all over the world. You can find out things. How is it that friend of yours puts it? That Mr Hoy? It’s like The Google, isn’t it?’

Wolfgang smiled affectionately. ‘It’s just called Google, Oma.’

She waved a hand impatiently. ‘Whatever it’s called. Ask some of your Sensate friends. I’m sure your Opa’s cluster will help if they can.’

Wolfgang glanced at Kala. He hadn’t thought of that and he knew she hadn’t either. He took a deep breath. ‘All right. We’ll ask around.’ He glanced at Rajan. ‘Someone will know him, surely?’

‘Good,’ said Oma, standing back up again. ‘Now let’s see what I’ve got in to feed your parents, Mäuslein. It’s a good thing you bring your food with you, isn’t it?’ she said, taking Anika with her to the kitchen.

Wolfgang smiled. He did love the way Oma spoke to Anika, like she might answer at any moment. He felt a twinge of sadness in his chest as his mind turned to his mama. She would have been such a good Oma. She always had so much love to give and she would have adored Anika. He hoped she’d be proud of him, despite his issues. He tried his best to be a good father to his daughter and he thought he was doing all right. He was certain she felt how much she was loved. He just had to sort his head out and stop his paranoia then everything would be perfect. Finding out more about the cluster would help.


	75. Chapter 75

When the train pulled into Westbahnhof train station in Vienna, Anwar felt a surge of relief. Many people in the camp had spoken about the kindness of the Austrian people, having heard stories from their friends and family members who had already made the journey.

As he got off the train with Basir and Barak, he realised there were more refugees on their train than he had thought and all of them were crowding to the volunteers ready to welcome them on the platform.

There were so many volunteers. Despite the good things he’d heard, Anwar was surprised at the amount. They all wore badges with lists of languages they spoke and some were handing out laminated sheets with key phrases in English and German, translated from Arabic.

There were people with trays of food and with paper cups of hot tea and coffee. Anwar was given a small cloth bag with sandwiches, apples and flatbreads, as well as bottles of water and bars of chocolate. A smiling woman asked him in careful but awkward Arabic whether his children needed anything.

He smiled and spoke to her in German, much to her delight. ‘Thank you so much. We have heard Austrian people are angels.’

She beamed at him. ‘Your German is excellent. Here, some chocolate for your boys. It will keep them going,’ she said, pressing more chocolate bars into their eager hands. ‘Where are you going?’

‘Munich. I am a doctor and I heard there is work there for me.’

‘There is. These days, more doctors are needed than ever.’

‘Can you tell me where I’m supposed to go now?’

‘There will be a train to Munich soon. There are lots of refugees heading for Germany. It’ll be this platform, in about an hour. There’ll be someone to direct you.’

‘Thank you so much. Was there another train, earlier? One with only refugees on it?’

She shook her head. ‘No. They always come on the usual trains across the border.’

‘Oh. What about … are there are direct trains from Hungary to Germany, just for refugees.’

She frowned at him, then shook her head again. ‘No, none that I have ever heard about. And the Hungarian government are not known to be generous to refugees.’

Anwar’s heart sank. What had happened to his friends and compatriots? His belly spasmed with guilt. But what could he do? He _had_ to get his boys to safety. Maybe there was something he could do for the others when he got safely to Germany.

He thanked the woman again, then took the cloth bag she’d given him and led his boys over to a bench to wait. There were others waiting around too, everybody looking tired and weary. Soon. Soon they would be in Germany and then they could rest. It was starting to get dark and both Basir and Barak looked so sleepy. They’d done so well to keep going all this time.

‘Let’s eat something,’ he said, handing out some of the sandwiches from the bag. ‘Then we can sleep on the next train.’

He glanced around at his cluster. Alois had stayed with him and Mari was often been there, playing her music. Niki was there, lending him her strength. Teddy gave him a warm smile and Rafael’s face was encouragingly bright. Tora was calm and steady, full of surety about this path. Elin was anxious but Alois held her hand and Anwar could feel the strength she took from him. He would be all right with his cluster by his side.

Lito felt warmth spread through him as Hernando’s delighted smile spread across his face. It was so wonderful to make somebody you loved happy like that. It was wonderful to know that your own successes could make someone that happy.

‘That’s fantastic, Lito. That’s so wonderful!’ said Hernando. They’d met him outside the university, in their usual place and told him about the part immediately, Lito knew that he didn’t do it straight away, Dani wouldn’t be able to contain herself.

‘Oh, I was so hoping you’d get this part.’ He reached for him, then hesitated. He was still never really sure about public displays of affection. But this was LA and Lito was an all new man these days. He reached for his fiancé and cupped his cheek, then brought him in for a long, slow kiss. Dani sighed happily beside them.

‘Oh, you two are so beautiful together.’

Lito pulled away, laughing but stopped suddenly as he caught a movement in the corner of his eye and the hair on the back of his neck prickled. He looked around, frowning.

Hernando took his arm. ‘What is it, Lito?’

Lito peered into the distance but he could see nothing out of place. He half-expected Wolfgang to pop up but he didn’t. He was probably busy with his own troubles. But it worried Lito because if Wolfgang wasn’t with him, it wasn’t his paranoia he was feeling. Was he really being followed?

‘Come on,’ he said. ‘We’d better get home.’

‘I thought we were going out to lunch?’ said Dani, with the slightest pout.

‘I don’t feel like eating out anymore,’ said Lito.

Hernando exchanged glances with Dani, then took Lito’s hand. ‘Come on, mi amor, let’s go home and I’ll cook us something wonderful to celebrate.’ He offered his other arm to Dani and, with an air of calm that immediately made Lito feel more settled inside, he led them home. 

‘Riley, have you got the tickets? Have you seen my passport?’ asked Will, riffling through his leather jacket with increasingly frantic movements.

Riley stepped across the living room to him, took the jacket out of his hand and laid in on the sofa. He made a noise of protest but she placed her hands on his shoulders and looked into his eyes.

‘Take a deep breath and let it out slowly,’ she said, and watched him do it. ‘I’ve got the tickets and your passport. Everything is in hand and we’re going to have a perfectly calm flight, all right?’

He took another breath. ‘I’m sorry. I’m getting myself worked up over nothing.’

She gave him a look. ‘It’s not about nothing though, is it? It’s about Wolfgang. Don’t you think you should visit him before we go?’

He shook his head. ‘No. If I visit it’ll probably end up in an argument and he’ll tell me to stay the hell away.’

‘He might say that when we get there as well.’

‘Yes but Rajan would intervene. Besides … I want to apologise to him face to face when he can’t avoid listening to me.’

Riley smiled gently. ‘Sounds like a good plan. Right, are we ready to go?’

‘Yeah. Have you seen my wallet?’

Riley laughed gently. ‘It’s in your back pocket where it always is.’

He blushed but smiled. What would he do without her?

‘You’ve remembered they’re coming, haven’t you?’ asked Kala, rushing about tidying. Rajan was upstairs, making the beds and Wolfgang was on baby duty. Anika was having tummy time, which she didn’t mind now she could hold her head up better. She had a mini baby piano and she was enjoying the little tunes it made as she bashed it with her fist.

‘Of course I haven’t forgotten. Rajan doesn’t change the spare beds for no reason, does he?’ said Wolfgang, from his seat on the floor beside Anika’s play mat.

Kala gave him a look. ‘There’s no need to be snippy. And I still think you should visit Will before they come. Make it up with him.’

‘He doesn’t want to see me right now. I can feel it.’

Kala tutted. ‘You two are both as stubborn as each other.’

Wolfgang grinned at her. ‘You can talk.’

She sighed and came over to sit on the sofa behind him. She leaned over and wrapped her arms around his chest, resting her chin on his shoulder. ‘You will make it up with each other, won’t you?’

He leaned back into her embrace. ‘Ja. We always do.’

She laughed and kissed his cheek. ‘Of course it would be easier if you didn’t fall out in the first place.’

He grinned. ‘It would be easier if they could teleport here too but that’s not going to happen either.’

She tutted again but kissed him and stroked his hair before she left him to get back to her work.


	76. Chapter 76

The letter from Soo-Jin hadn’t exactly come out of the blue, since she and Sun did write to each other occasionally. It was the request to visit that took Sun by surprise. Soo-Jin knew as well as anybody that visiting the prison was not easy.

‘It must be important to ask you to come,’ said Kwan-Ho, clearing away the breakfast things. ‘Will you go?’

‘Of course,’ said Sun, still studying the letter. She wasn’t going to discuss it with Kwan-Ho but she was worried. Soo-Jin sounded sad.

A gentle hand landed on her shoulder and squeezed. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

She looked up at him and her gaze took in the concern and love in his eyes. She felt a flutter inside and she smiled. She could never get tired of seeing how much he cared about her. Even after these years with him, she wasn’t used to the idea that she could confide in him about anything.

‘I don’t think you ever get used to it,’ said Wolfgang. ‘I’m not.’

She didn’t look at Wolfgang but she knew he could feel he understood her reticence. He didn’t hang around; he never did.

‘I’m all right,’ she said, once Wolfgang had gone. She stood up and pulled Kwan-Ho to her. She cupped his jaw firmly and tugged him into a deep kiss. ‘But thank you for asking,’ she said, once they parted. 

He beamed at her, the way he always did when she said something nice to him. He put both hands on her shoulders, rubbing his thumbs gently over her collarbone. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’

She gave him a smile. ‘I’ll be fine alone. But if I need to talk when I get home, I will.’

He kissed her again, softly on the mouth and slid his arms around her. ‘You know I’m always here for you.’

She smiled, allowing herself to breathe him in for a moment. ‘I know.’

Wolfgang was nervous. He and Kala could feel that Will and Riley were nearly there. They’d be pulling up in the taxi from the airport any minute. Rajan was busy in the kitchen making some lunch for everybody and Kala was sitting with the baby, both the picture of calm.

But Wolfgang was pacing. He wanted so much to visit Will but he resisted. This was best sorted out face to face. He had the feeling that Will wanted to sort things out too, that he was feeling differently about it now.

‘I think they’re here,’ said Kala. ‘You’ll have to let them in. She’s just dropping off.’ She smiled. ‘Though she’ll probably be wide awake as soon as they get here.’

He smiled, his gaze resting on Anika for a moment, before he headed over to the door. He opened it just as Will and Riley stepped out of the elevator.

Will halted where he was and stared at him for a minute. Wolfgang looked back at him, not sure what to say. Riley looked between them.

‘Do you want to let us in?’ she asked, smiling slightly.

Wolfgang stood back and they came inside. Wolfgang shut the door behind them then turned to face Will. The other man was looking warily at him, biting his lip.

‘I’m sorry I said you were paranoid,’ said Will in a rush. ‘Alois won’t talk to me and I think there’s something wrong and I’ve fucked it all up and …’

‘Will,’ said Wolfgang, interrupting him.

Will fell silent and just looked at him. His dark blue eyes were full of emotion and Wolfgang felt a pull in his chest. He didn’t say anything, just reached out, grasped Will’s shoulder and brought him close for a hug. He felt relief flowing through him, not just his own but Will’s, Riley’s and Kala’s, and probably the rest of the cluster’s too.

Will turned his face into Wolfgang’s neck and breathed him in. Wolfgang held him tight, hoping to let him feel that he wasn’t holding a grudge. He wasn’t good at words but he had to do something to show Will it was all right again.

When they parted, Will’s face was wet and Wolfgang gave into his urge and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. Will smiled and Wolfgang felt warmth spread through him.

‘I’m sorry too,’ Wolfgang said. ‘I didn’t want to upset you.’ 

‘I shouldn’t have stormed off like that…’

Wolfgang held up his hands. ‘Let’s quit this while we’re ahead.’ He smiled broadly. ‘I think it’s time you met my daughter.’

Will gave a relieved laugh and took Riley’s hand.

‘I’ve been waiting for this moment,’ said Riley, with her brightest of smiles.

Back in the living room, Anika was, predictably, awake, now sitting up on Kala’s lap. She gurgled happily at them, waving her little fist like she knew them. Riley went to Kala’s side, reaching out to trace Anika’s smooth cheek with one finger.

‘She’s so beautiful,’ she murmured.

‘Do you want to hold her?’ Kala asked, gently.

Riley hesitated, then smiled and nodded, her words catching in her throat. Kala passed Anika over and the whole cluster felt an overwhelming rush of emotion from Riley. Her feelings were complex, both utter happiness and the deepest of sorrows as her thoughts immediately turned to what she had lost.

After a moment, Will went to her, sitting beside her on the sofa and sliding an arm around her waist. They all felt the comfort Riley took from his presence, his strength and his unending love.

Wolfgang smiled, pride filling him as Will reached out to stroke his daughter’s soft dark hair. He could feel their love for his daughter and he knew how lucky she was. She had this huge, loving family, each member of which would do anything for her, anything at all.

The rest of the cluster were drawn to the emotion of the moment and all their feelings pulsed around them. Wolfgang was amazed, though not surprised, to feel the love they felt for Anika, as strong as her parents’ love for her. He never thought he’d feel this way about family but he knew she would be safe with a family such as this. He trusted each one of them absolutely and nothing whatsoever could disrupt that.

When Lito, Hernando and Dani got home to their house, they were surprised to find a bouquet of a dozen roses laid on their doorstep. Lito glanced at Hernando with a smile.

‘Is this you?’

Hernando held up his hands. ‘Not me. Believe me, I would love to take credit but I am not responsible for this.’

Lito frowned and glanced at Dani. ‘Have you got somebody new on the scene?’

Dani shook her head. ‘It’s nothing to do with me.’

Lito bent and picked up the bouquet. There was a little white card with a printed message. _Congratulations, you’re finally going to get what you deserve._

On the face of it, it was a nice message but, nonetheless, a shiver ran down Lito’s spine. Was that Wolfgang’s paranoia or his own? Or maybe it wasn’t paranoia at all.

‘Who is it from?’ asked Hernando.

Lito shrugged. ‘There’s no name.’ He glanced around. There was no one there. So why did he feel like he was being watched? ‘Come on. Let’s go inside.’

He unlocked the door and led them quickly inside and, hopefully, out of harm’s way.


	77. Chapter 77

The boys had slept on the train. At first Anwar had resisted but everybody around him seemed to be dozing too, quiet and exhausted. This wasn’t a train just for refugees, though he thought most of them were. There were a few other people, who he thought were Austrians or Germans, who were also travelling across the border. A couple of them had passed out sweets to the children and the others were all smiles and kind words.

One or more of his cluster were always with him so, at last Anwar had felt safe to sleep. He couldn’t remember the last time he had had a good, restful night so sleep claimed him easily.

The train got them to Munich and, after that there was a bus. There were more volunteers at the station, to direct them to the buses.

‘Are we nearly there, Baba?’ asked Basir.

‘I think we are, boys. It won’t be long now.’

The bus wasn’t the most comfortable of rides and Barak started to feel a little sick. But the journey was short and the next thing they were led out into the night air. Anwar looked around. They were outside what looked like a sports centre of some kind. There was a white tent nearby and volunteers milling around waiting for them.

But then Anwar’s eyes fell on the line of people waiting to receive them and his breath caught in his throat. They were police.

Collectively, all the refugees took a step back but the officers held out their hands.

‘It’s all right. You’re safe here,’ said one of them in German.

Obviously they didn’t speak Arabic. Anwar turned to his fellow refugees. ‘He said we’re safe here.’ He turned back to the officers. ‘What are you going to do to us?’

The officer smiled gently. ‘We’re just doing to make sure everybody’s healthy, then we’ve got a place to sleep inside and food for you all.’ The man’s face was open and honest. Anwar looked at Alois, who nodded.

‘I think we’re okay,’ he said to his companions. ‘I think they want to help.’

Feeling it was up to him to lead the way, he stood a step forward, taking his boys with him. ‘Right, show us the way.’

The officer nodded and directed Anwar towards the white tent. ‘This way, Sir.’

A little while later, when he and his boys had been checked over and declared healthy, Anwar found himself inside the sports centre. Camp beds, each with ample bedding and a paper bag with food inside and a bottle of water beside each bed.

‘Get yourself bedded down,’ said the volunteer who had led them into the hall. ‘We’ll get you all processed in the morning.’ He gave him a friendly smile. ‘Get a good night’s sleep.’

They were left alone but Anwar knew that soon, his fellow refugees would be coming in to sleep too. They would eat, then sleep and see what the morning brought them. As they lay down, with more people filing into the hall, Anwar watched his boys fall into an exhausted sleep. He couldn’t believe he was really here. He was safe, in Germany. He’d got his boys to safety.

The moment she stepped into the prison, Sun felt tension stiffening her body. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end as she felt the shadow of that cord around her neck. Wolfgang was with her, strong and silent, reminding her to stay calm.

She was a visitor here. She was an important, powerful person, the owner of one of the largest banks in the whole of South Korea. She was safe. Her memories couldn’t hurt her. These guards couldn’t hurt her.

She was led to a visiting room and goosepimples rose on her skin. She had fought for her life here and had won, thanks to her cluster.

She glanced at Wolfgang as she sat down and he gave her a nod. The bubble of tension in her chest eased a little at his presence. She knew he understood how she was feeling and would not leave her to face it alone.

Her escort left her and a few moments later, Soo-Jin was brought in. She looked frailer than she had before and there was a sadness in her eyes that made Sun’s heart ache. She waited until the escort left before she spoke.

‘Min-Jung died,’ she said flatly.

Her words hit Sun with more pain than any punch. Min-Jung, who’d treated her with such kindness, had welcome her and looked after her during the worst time of her life. Min-Jung, who had saved her life. She was gone.

But then her thoughts turned to Soo-Jin. How would she be coping without Min-Jung. ‘Is Lina still with you?’ she asked.

Soo-Jin shook her head. ‘They transferred her a few weeks ago. I’m … I’m scared, Sun. I don’t know how I’m going to cope on my own.’

Sun reached across and held her hand. ‘I’ll do something. I’ll make sure you’re okay.’

‘I can’t … I can’t stand it. If I have to stay here, I’ll have to put an end to it.’

Sun squeezed her hand. ‘Don’t do anything rash. I have power now. I’ll be able to help you, I promise.’

Soo-Jin nodded, blinking away the tears in her eyes. She gave her a faint smile. ‘I knew you would.’

‘I’ll do whatever I can.’

‘If you’re thinking appeal, you won’t get anywhere,’ said Wolfgang. ‘The courts don’t give a shit about real people. You know that.’

Sun didn’t look at him but she knew he was right. He always was about things like that.

Wolfgang left Sun once she was safely on her way home. Although she was as strong as he was and he knew she was more skilled as a fighter than he was, he couldn’t help but feel protective of her. Maybe it was because he saw himself reflected in her and he knew she had as much difficulty with asking for help as he did.

‘Are you all right?’ Rajan asked, sliding an arm around his waist.

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘I’m fine. I was just visiting Sun.’

He smiled as he looked over at the scene before him. Kala, Riley and Will were sitting around the playmat, playing with Anika.

Rajan leaned against him and sighed contentedly. ‘She’s the luckiest kid, isn’t she? With all this family around her.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘She is.’ His gaze rested on Riley for a moment and he could feel how much she loved Anika already, despite the sorrow that lived permanently in her heart. He knew as well as anyone that grief was never really gone, but he also knew that you could rebuild the damage it did to your life, that you could find happiness in the future.

His gaze turned to Will and he wondered how someone so good, so decent could possibly birth a cluster that was not. No, that was unfair. Wolfgang didn’t know the new cluster yet, except Rafael and he seemed as kind and decent as Will was. It was only Alois that made the hair on the back of his neck prickle and he couldn’t explain why.

As he looked at Will, he decided he didn’t need to upset him anymore, or at least not until he knew what was going on. He could find out what was going on by himself.

Rajan slipped his hand through his. ‘Come on, my love. You can help me make some dinner. Distract yourself a bit.’

Wolfgang smiled and nodded. How did Rajan always know when he needed a little distraction?


	78. Chapter 78

Teddy tried to carry on as normal with his life but it was difficult when you had seven other voices, one of whom he knew he was falling in love with. But this was his new normal. Somehow, he had to learn to cope with all sorts: with Anwar’s plans and worries, with Mari’s music blasting his ears, with Tora’s artistic ideas swirling around his mind; with the scientific data scrolling through Elin’s mind; rugby tactics from Niki; and Rafael’s singing in his ears.

Actually, he didn’t mind that one. He was probably already used to that. The only one who didn’t really create much chatter in his mind was Alois. He could feel him, tell he was there, but he didn’t really get much from him. He supposed he was just controlled.

It was a Sunday and he had the day off. He’d gone for a bike ride, on his own, to get away from the noise of the house. His sisters had brought the kids round and with eleven extra people, seven of them being kids, it was a bit too loud for Teddy.

He’d gone to a park and was sitting on his own on a hill, contemplating getting an ice cream from the kiosk, when he realised he wasn’t alone. Rafael was sitting on the hill beside him.

‘It’s pretty here,’ he said and Teddy realised he was speaking in Spanish and that it was just as clear as if it had been English. Teddy wasn’t sure he would ever get used to that.

‘It’s my favourite park. I was just thinking about getting an ice cream.’

‘I know,’ said Rafael, with one of his bright smiles. ‘I could hear you. You’re making me want one.’

Teddy grinned. ‘If I get one, do you think you’ll be able to taste it?’

‘I think so. We should find out for sure though.’

Teddy nodded. ‘I will in a minute. Where are you?’

‘Madrid. It’s my last show of the tour tomorrow night. I was thinking maybe I could stop by on my way home.’

Teddy looked at him, feeling a small smile cross his lips. ‘It’s not really on your way, is it?’

Rafael gave him a sheepish look. ‘I can take a detour. It’s worth it to see you.’

Teddy felt his face get hot, but he smiled. ‘I’d like that.’

‘I’ll sort us a hotel out and we can just spend some time together.’ He frowned. ‘Er, I mean, no pressure or anything. We can just watch movies if you like.’

Teddy’s smile grew wider and he leaned in to meet Rafael’s lips in a soft kiss. ‘I think we can find more interesting things to do,’ he said and watched as Rafael’s eyes brightened.

Riley was completely in love with little Anika. She could feel both Kala and Wolfgang’s love for her and her own feelings reflected that. She’d been there at the moment of her birth and many moments since, through Kala. But holding her in her arms now, feeling the solid, warm weight of her in her arms, breathing in that sweet scent and gazing into those big blue eyes, she could feel herself fall more in love with her.

‘She’s gorgeous,’ she murmured.

Kala cheeks darkened with pride and pleasure. ‘I still can’t believe I made her.’

Riley smiled gently. Yes, she knew that feeling.

‘Kala, can you come and help me with this sauce?’ called Rajan. ‘I can’t get it to thicken.’

Kala rolled her eyes, getting up. ‘Well, where’s Wolfgang? I thought he was supposed to be helping.’

She hurried off to the kitchen and there was a little bit of good-natured bickering.

Will laughed. ‘They never change, do they?’

Riley smiled. ‘No.’ She sighed and continued to gaze at the baby, who was looking back at her as if she knew her.

Will stroked Anika’s hair gently. ‘It’s amazing how you can see them both in her. I wonder …’ He cut himself off suddenly and Riley felt a pull in her belly. He couldn’t hide what he was thinking from her. She was in his head after all. He wanted a baby.

But she also knew he would never bring it up. He knew it was a painful topic and he never pushed her on it. For a long time she thought she could never go there again, but then she used to think that about falling in love. She’d dated a lot of dickheads. That was just to have someone, to get sex and someone to be with. She’d never expected to fall in love.

Then Will had come into her life. She’d never expected him but here he was and she was happier than she had been for a long time. Was it possible she could have it all?

She leaned against him and he put his arm around her and held her close. He dropped a kiss into her hair.

‘Love you, Riles,’ he murmured.

She smiled. ‘I love you too, elskan. Maybe …’ She sighed. ‘It’d be nice to have one of our own someday.’

She felt him hesitate, then he kissed her again. ‘I’m happy with whatever you want to do, Riles. There’s no pressure from me.’

She looked up at him. ‘I know but … after going through this with Kala, I’m not as afraid anymore. I think maybe I could do. I might want to have another.’

She looked back down at Anika. ‘Or at least I want to think about it.’

He kissed her again, pressing his nose to her hair and breathing her in. ‘Take all the time you need, sweetheart. The last thing I want is for you to rush into anything.’ 

She smiled. ‘I know.’

Wolfgang stood in the kitchen and watched Will and Riley from a distance. He didn’t visit, because he didn’t want to intrude on their conversation. But he could feel what they were feeling. He felt the love they felt for his daughter and it made him feel warm inside. She had this whole family who loved her as much as her parents did. She would never be in danger as long as she had them.

He glanced back at Rajan and Kala. They were fussing over the roux sauce, bickering politely. He had to laugh. Only they argued _politely_.

‘There, perfect,’ said Kala. ‘Do you think you can manage now?’

Rajan gave her a smile. ‘Of course, my love. Thank you for your assistance.’

Kala rolled her eyes, then turned to Wolfgang. She frowned at him. ‘You all right?’

‘Yeah, why?’

She shook her head. ‘You just seem distracted.’

He grinned. ‘Is that your assessment or Rajan’s?’

‘Both,’ said Rajan, over his shoulder.

‘I thought you brought me back here to distract me?’ said Wolfgang, with a smile.

‘Yes, but my distraction hasn’t worked and you’re still distracted the other way,’ said Rajan, a twinkle in his eye.

Wolfgang laughed. ‘No, I’m fine. Just …’ He sighed heavily. ‘I really hope I’m wrong about this Alois. I don’t want to upset Will anymore.’

‘But you think you’re right about him,’ said Kala. ‘That we shouldn’t trust him.’

‘I know I have no reason to think like that, none at all. It’s just … a feeling I have, that’s all.’

Kala glanced at Rajan. ‘Then we’ll investigate, okay? The three of us.’

He looked at her, surprised. ‘You do believe me then.’

‘Your instincts have never been wrong,’ said Kala, simply. ‘And you don’t lie.’ She smiled. ‘Well, sometimes you keep things to yourself but you never lie.’ She went to him and slid her arm around him. ‘We’ll talk to Will, _calmly_ , if we find anything.’

Wolfgang put his arm around her and held her close, taking comfort from her presence. ‘Thank you,’ he murmured.

She smiled and hugged him, then pulled away. ‘Anika needs feeding. I’ll leave you two to it.’

Wolfgang watched her go, then went to Rajan’s side. He leaned against him and kissed his shoulder. ‘I really hope I don’t find anything.’

Rajan didn’t say anything, just turned his head and kissed his cheek. Wolfgang breathed him in, taking comfort from his husband as he had from his wife. 


	79. Chapter 79

Elin was never happier than when she was quietly working away. They were making good progress with their work, gathering lots of data. She was getting on well with her work colleagues; they all had a good work ethic. They liked to socialise in the evenings. At first, Elin had joined them. It had been fun, chatting and playing games, having a few drinks together.

But now, well, she preferred to go to her room and read instead. She didn’t want Steve to think she liked him as anything more than a friend.

‘You’re just so friendly, is the problem,’ said Alois, reasonably. He smiled. ‘It’s not really your fault but maybe you should just keep your distance.’

The others had just gone off for the evening, to their purpose-built social room, leaving her alone in the lab. Well, not alone. She was never really alone now. Alois was always there, and sometimes the rest of the cluster, though not as much as she expected. She could always feel them, but they didn’t visit her often. She wondered why, though maybe it was her. Maybe she didn’t make the connection often enough.

‘They’re just different from us,’ said Alois, gently, as she made her back to her room after packing away her equipment. ‘They all have so much going on in their lives. Maybe they just don’t have time for us.’

‘I hadn’t thought of it like that,’ she said. ‘And I suppose we’re all still learning how this all works.’

Alois laughed gently. ‘Oh, Elin, you’re always like this.’

‘Like what?’

‘You always want to see the best in people but maybe they’re not as caring as you are. You’re such a good person but not everybody is like that.’

‘I do trust them though, Alois. I think they’re worthy of trust.’

Alois smiled, tracing her cheek with a gentle finger. It still astounded her that she could really feel it. ‘This is what I love about you. You’re just so trusting and so naïve.’

Elin frowned. She didn’t think of herself as particularly naïve but then, it was perhaps easy for other people to see things like that about you and Alois did know her extremely well, because of the whole cluster thing. ‘I suppose you’re right.’

Alois trailed his hand through her hair, allowing the strands to fall through his fingers. ‘Of course I’m right, Elin. You need to start trusting me.’

Feeling a jolt inside her, she reached for his hand. ‘Of course I trust you, Alois.’

He gave her a brilliant smile. ‘Glad to hear it, because other people aren’t necessarily safe to trust, so it’s important you trust me.’

She lay down on her bed and he lay with her. She closed her eyes and just felt his soft touches. His presence seemed so large, so expansive that there was no room for anything else. For a moment, she tried to remember what else she had, her work, her family, her cluster, but the next moment, all that seemed to slip away and there was only him.

Wolfgang sighed contentedly as he sat back on the sofa and looked around at his family. They were all there. Anika was asleep in her carry cot, oblivious to the movie they had on. Kala sat on one end of the sofa next to Anika. She was watching the movie with half an eye on her baby and nursing a cup of tea. Rajan was in between her and Wolfgang, one hand resting on her thigh, the other playing absently with Wolfgang’s hair. Wolfgang adored his soft touch on him, on both of them.

He leaned against Rajan, resting his hand against his chest. He could feel the warmth of his skin beneath his shirt. Will and Riley were on the other sofa, cuddling up together. He smiled as he felt the warmth of them. Their love was like a bubble surrounding them and he could feel the absolute trust between them.

The rest of the cluster were all busy with their lives but they still visited. Capheus and Zakia were watching a movie too and Capheus kept popping in, pestering them with questions to try and keep up with both movies. Sun was in bed, mostly asleep, but she kept drifting in, just to be with them. Lito was enjoying delicious scents wafting through his house as Hernando made lunch, and kept commenting on the movie. Nomi was busy cooking with the kids, waiting for Amanita to come home from work. Or rather Nomi was following Melika’s instructions, as the little girl already seemed to be a better cook than her Mom. But he felt her smiling across at them, with love and happiness overflowing from her.

Wolfgang found himself smiling a little. They were all his family and he loved them. He couldn’t imagine his life without any of them and now that family was growing. He already knew he’d love every single addition to the family. He wanted to love the new cluster, to accept them as members of his extended family. But he was still struggling.

‘I understand, you know,’ said Will, just to him. ‘Why you find it difficult.’

Wolfgang looked at him, meeting his eyes for a moment and wondering whether to tell him he still had his suspicions. Though he probably did know already, on some level. _No_ , Wolfgang decided, there was no point bringing it up again and maybe falling out again. That was the last thing he wanted.

‘I don’t find trusting easy.’ He glanced at Rajan. Looking back, it hadn’t taken him that long to trust him but that was different. Rajan had always made him feel safe. He’d never given Wolfgang that prickly feeling at the back of his neck.

Will gave him an affectionate smile. ‘I know you don’t. It’s all right. Maybe I was a bit … quick to get offended about it all. I’ve just … got a lot of feelings.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘You’re an emotional guy, Will. Don’t worry, I get it. It’s not like I don’t know you.’

Will beamed at him, then leaned forward and kissed him on the corner of his mouth. Wolfgang reached for his hand and squeezed it.

Wolfgang hesitated, part of him not wanting to spoil the moment but the other really needing to know. ‘Those dreams, are you still having them?’

Will’s gaze skirted away. ‘The cluster ones have all stopped since the birth. I think that’s all it was.’

Wolfgang recognised the avoidance technique. It was a good one, but not one that could get past him. ‘What about the other one? The one about protecting us.’

He felt a jerk of fear and horror in Will, so strong that the others all looked at Will, where he was sitting next to Riley.

‘Come on, Will. Talk to me. You’re still having the bad one, aren’t you? About the child.’

Will’s hands clenched into fists and he chewed on his lip. ‘I guess … well, yeah, it still happens but … well I’m trying not to think about it.’

Wolfgang smirked. ‘Trust me, that doesn’t work.’

‘Then why are you doing it?’ countered Will.

‘Because if I didn’t, you might all think I’d been replaced by a changeling.’

Will smiled. ‘All right, I guess we’re both as bad as each other then.’

‘I’m not gonna nag you about it, just … next time it happens, come and talk to me, yeah? It’s not worth it to let it fester.’

‘How did you get so good at giving advice?’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Must be all the therapy.’


	80. Chapter 80

Alois felt he was learning to control this experience of visiting quite well now. He found he was able to get on with his ordinary work, as well as keeping an eye on Elin. He had no strong interest in the others, though he thought Elin still did. No, he was where his focus was now, although perhaps the others could be useful in some way. After all, the connection seemed to be a fact, not something he could get rid of. It was a curious thing and he wanted to understand more about how it worked.

Maybe there was some way to find out more about it, so he could understand how to manipulate it and use it to his own advantage. There had to be advantage to something like this. 

It was morning and he entered his office and flicked on the coffee machine before getting out his laptop and opening up a paper he wanted to work on. It was about the influence of DNA versus life experiences on the development of criminality. A few of his patients were case studies in it and he needed to refine a few details of his interviews before he went to visit the prison that afternoon. While he worked, he planned to keep half an eye on Elin. She was working in her lab, with that Steve and he didn’t like the way he looked at her.

He had just sat down with his freshly made coffee when he felt someone with him. He looked up, hoping that Elin had been drawn to his side. But no, it was Rafael.

He had nothing against Rafael. The man seemed uncomplicated enough. Extroverted, confident, cheerful. He was one of these creative types, which Alois had never understood but he didn’t have anything against it.

‘Hey,’ said Rafael, with a big, friendly smile.

Alois considered him for a moment. ‘Can I help you?’ he asked. He wasn’t particularly in the mood for interruptions.

Rafael looked a little taken aback at the icy tone Alois had used. With a slight smile, Alois watched the tension ripple through Rafael as he became unsure as to whether he was wanted here.

‘Well, it’s nothing much. It’s just … Will’s cluster, they think you might be following Wolfgang and Kala and it’s making them nervous.’

‘I see.’

‘I mean I think Wolfgang’s had some problems with paranoia and if you’re following him, it’s not really going to help, is it?’

Alois didn’t speak, just waited for Rafael to get up the nerve to ask him.

Rafael looked at him, waiting to see if he would speak. When he didn’t, he ran his hands through his hair and paced. ‘I mean, maybe Wolfgang is paranoid and you’re not following them at all but if you are, well I think it would really help if you stopped, you know? Are you … are you following them?’

Alois laughed lightly. ‘It’s obvious this Wolfgang is paranoid. I went to their apartment block once, after you met them in the park. I was just curious where they lived. Is that a crime?’

‘N-no, of course not,’ stammered Rafael. He cleared his throat. ‘I’ll tell him you’re not following him, that it was just that one time.’

‘No need to make him more anxious. Just tell him I was out walking that day and came across him.’ He smiled. ‘We don’t want to make him more paranoid, do we?’

Rafael nodded, smiling again. ‘No, you’re right. It’s best to reassure him. I’ll tell him.’

Alois nodded and went back to his work. When he still felt Rafael there after another moment or two, he looked back up. ‘Was there something else?’

Rafael took a breath. ‘Only … well Wolfgang says some Sensates can’t accept that what they are and they don’t want anything to do with their clusters. I wondered … well, I was hoping that you’re not like that.’

Alois turned on his charming smile. ‘Of course not. It’s just all this takes a lot to get used to, doesn’t it?’

Rafael gave him a relieved smile. ‘Yeah, I suppose it does. Sorry, I’ll leave you to get on with your work. Looks like you have a lot on.’

‘I do but it was nice to see you. Drop in again sometime.’

‘I will. Thanks, Alois.’

Then he was gone. Alois sat back in his chair and thought for a moment. Maybe there was a visit he had to make too.

Mari was dancing. The music on her wireless headphones filled her head with that fast beat and happy words. She could feel Tora’s happiness as she sat and drew, humming along to Mari’s music. They were not visiting, but they could always feel each other.

She was still at her mam’s house but she and Hwyl had gone out and Mari was free to just dance. She let her body move freely, her hands flapping without restraint as her happiness exploded out of her. 

If you love somebody  
Better tell them why they're here 'cause  
They just may run away from you

You'll never know what went well  
Then again it just depends on  
How long of time is left for you

I've had the highest mountains  
I've had the deepest rivers  
You can have it all but not til you move it

Now take it in but don't look down

'Cause I'm on top of the world, 'ey  
I'm on top of the world, 'ey  
Waiting on this for a while now  
Paying my dues to the dirt  
I've been waiting to smile, 'ey  
Been holding it in for a while, 'ey  
Take it with me if I can  
Been dreaming of this since a child  
I'm on top of the world

Suddenly, the happiness cut off, like someone had stopped her favourite song in the middle. She slid off her headphones and looked around. Alois was there, watching her seriously. An embarrassed guilt crept over her, making her face get hot. She never allowed herself to hand flap in front of anybody, except Tora nowadays, because she understood, though she didn’t do it herself. Most neurotypical people seemed to feel uncomfortable about seeing it.

Alois didn’t say anything for a moment, just watched her. She cleared her throat, but then signed instead of speaking.

‘What is it?’

‘I need a favour,’ he said, his hands clasped neatly behind his back.

‘What?’

‘You’re a private investigator, aren’t you? Can you find out about Wolfgang?’

‘That’s the German in Will’s cluster, right? The hot one.’

There was the merest flicker of a frown on Alois’s face but he nodded. ‘Like I said. I don’t trust him. I think he’s dangerous. Maybe I’m wrong but if you could find out, that would help.’

‘I’ll see what I can do.’

He gave her a smile but she noticed it didn’t really reach his eyes. ‘Thank you.’ He paused, frowning at her hands.

She clasped them together, self-consciously but he didn’t say anything. Then he was gone, leaving her confused. Why did he want her to investigate Wolfgang? She would do it but she didn’t understand why. He seemed like an okay guy, a bit intense but anybody could see he was decent by the way he was with his family. Still, the darkest secrets could be hidden in the nicest of people sometimes.


	81. Chapter 81

Wolfgang woke with the feeling of being surrounded by love. He kept his eyes closed for a moment, focusing on the feeling of his spouses on either side of him. Their skin was warm and soft against his and he could feel their breathing.

Beyond the physical, he could feel his cluster were close by too. He could feel Will’s warmth and Riley’s softness. He could feel Capheus’s hand on his hip, caressing absently. He could feel the roughness of Lito’s designer stubble against his cheek, pricklier than Rajan’s soft beard.

He could feel the warmth between Nomi’s legs as she moved lazily with Amanita. Her breath was a caress against his neck. Sun was the first to kiss, her soft lips meeting Kwan-Ho’s with firm pressure and, at the same time, kissing all of them.

He felt Kala move behind him, responding to the cluster. He turned into her and kissed her. It was a slow, sensual kiss and he could feel it echoing across the cluster. Will was properly awake now and his lips met Riley’s. She murmured softly in response to him, her hands going to his hips to pull him closer.

Wolfgang trailed his fingers down Will’s jaw and felt his body hitch in response. Will turned to him, kissing his jaw, his neck, his shoulder. Lito was moving with Hernando and they could all feel the slow, gentle rhythm of his loving strength. 

Rajan kissed his shoulder and Wolfgang smiled, wondering whether he had realised the cluster was with them. He reached back for him, caressing his thigh and also feeling Capheus’s strong thigh beneath his fingers.

As Rajan started to kiss his neck, Wolfgang also felt Sun’s hot breath on his skin as she pinned Kwan-Ho beneath her. Kala trailed her fingers down his chest and he felt Riley’s touch too, firmer and more sure than Kala’s, a little rougher.

The scent and taste of the cluster all mixed and they were together, moving as one, giving and receiving pleasure as one. Will’s eyes were bright and the love he felt for them pulsed across the cluster, impossible to ignore.

Wolfgang hoped they could all feel how much he loved them, how he would do anything for them. He wasn’t good at saying it but he felt it with every inch of himself.

Sun’s hand was in his hair, fingers brushing through the strands with her familiar firm but gentle touch. She kissed him, just him, and held her cheek against his for a moment. She understood. The same feelings, the same difficulties were in her as well. 

Kala squirmed against him and he smiled as he, too, felt the waves of pleasure that Amanita was creating in her wife with the practiced rhythm of her fingers. He reached for Kala, slipping his hand between her legs, and feeling her open for him. Her breath was hot against his cheek as she let out little sighs and murmurs of pleasure under his tender ministrations.

Rajan was touching him now, sliding a firm, practiced hand up and down in a slow, teasing rhythm. Wolfgang knew his pleasure was echoing through the cluster, as much as theirs echoed across his senses.

He could feel Will’s gaze on him and he could feel his hesitancy, even as he eagerly moved with Riley. Wolfgang turned his head and claimed his mouth in a bruising kiss, pushing his feelings into the kiss and letting Will feel his intensity.

Will melted against him and the cluster all wrapped their arms around him, giving him that closeness and reassurance he craved. They were all together, all one, and they always would be.

‘A shared soul,’ whispered Sun and smiled.

At some point, sleep had claimed them all again as Wolfgang was woken by Anika started to wail. He got up, pulling on lounge pants, then leaning over to check on her. She whinged at him and he recognised the particular cry that meant she wanted her diaper changed.

He picked her up and carried her through to the bathroom. ‘Here we go,’ he murmured as he started to change her. ‘We’ll soon have you all clean and then it’ll be breakfast time.’ He said, in a singsong voice.

She stopped crying now that she was satisfactorily being attended to. He chatted to her softly as he went about the task. She was growing so quickly and, to him, seemed to grow more and more like Kala every day. Except her eyes. They were him. Not just the colour but the shape. Almond shaped, just like his. It was still strange to him to be gazed at with his own eyes, except there was one difference between them. Her eyes were full of trust, absolute trust. Every time he looked at her, he vowed he would never break that trust.

‘Hey, here you are,’ said Rajan, behind him. He glanced at him with a smile as he popped the poppers on her Babygro closed, with her all clean again.

‘Our little lady needed to get clean. Is Kala awake?’

‘Hmm, just waking up.’ He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Wolfgang’s waist. ‘I love watching you with her. You’re so gentle.’

‘She’s worth taking care over,’ replied Wolfgang, lifting her up and settling her upright against his chest. ‘All I want to do is do right by her.’

‘And you are,’ said Rajan, squeezing his waist gently.

‘I’m trying anyway. Come on, Mäuslein, let’s get you to Mama for your feed, so Papa can feed the rest of us.’

Rajan laughed. ‘I should retire from business and become a chef.’

Wolfgang tutted. ‘We can’t have that. Everybody knows chefs never cook at home and I can’t do without your cooking, Liebling.’ 

Rajan laughed, following him back through to the bedroom. ‘All right. So what do you command for breakfast then?’

‘Pancakes, of course.’ He smiled as he found Kala sitting up waiting for them. ‘Good morning, Kala.’

She smiled, the contentment clear in her face as she reached for Anika. ‘Good morning. And yes, please to pancakes.’

Rajan laughed again. ‘All right, I guess I’d better make a start. He leaned over to kiss Anika on the top of her head. ‘You’d better get used to this now, Anika. Papa’s the chef and clearly I’m at the beck and call of Mama and Vati.’

‘You have to admit, Raj, looking after us is your favourite thing,’ said Wolfgang.

Rajan smiled, his eyes twinkling. ‘When you’re right, my love, you’re right.’ He kissed Wolfgang, then Kala, then slipped out of the room to go and make breakfast. 

Wolfgang sat on the edge of the bed and watched Kala get Anika latched on for her feed. It was only when she had her settled in her arms and feeding noisily that she looked up at Wolfgang again.

‘Are you feeling better?’ she asked. ‘Now we’re all made up?’

He nodded. ‘A lot better. I was probably being paranoid. We’ll just wait and see what happens.’

She smiled, reaching out to hold his hand. He gripped it, then lifted it to kiss her palm. ‘Don’t worry, Liebling,’ he said. ‘Everything will be all right.’

She nodded, calm and content, then turned her attention back to their feeding baby.

Mari had been working on her computer for several hours when she found it. At first, she couldn’t believe it but there it was, in black and white.

She swallowed several times, as the anxiety rose in her chest. Her heart was pumping hard, echoing in her mind and she had to focus to keep breathing normally. She reached for Eowyn, tugging her close and patting her knee so she jumped up. She hugged her dog hard and Eowyn pushed her body against her chest, giving her the pressure she needed, as she fought to deal with the information she was reading.

Alois had been right. Wolfgang. They couldn’t trust Wolfgang. He was a criminal. 


	82. Chapter 82

Niki had walked to her parents’ house without her cane for the first time since her injury. Her ankle felt good and she’d had no pain relief for several days. She was eager to start running but she was also nervous.

Her mum and dad had fussed over her when she’d gone to see them. They had sat in the garden, enjoying the sunshine on their faces and watched her little brothers and sisters running around playing.

‘How are you healing, Niki?’ her mum had asked, as her dad went off to show the kids the proper way to kick a conversion.

‘It’s getting a lot better, Whaea. They said I could start running again, as long as I’m careful.’

‘And have you?’

She glanced at her mum with a smile. She always knew, like she could see right through her. ‘Not yet. I’m kinda … nervous.’

Her mum put her arm around her shoulders and squeezed gently. ‘The only way to know what you can do is to try.’

‘What if I find out I can’t run anymore? My career would be over. My whole life is rugby, my friends, my girlfriend.’ 

‘Oh, my little one, so many big worries now you’re grown.’ Whaea trailed her fingers through Niki’s hair, combing back the light brown wavy strands. ‘You cannot deal in what ifs. You can only face what is happening. So try and then we will see.’

Niki took a deep breath. ‘You’re right.’ For a moment, she considered spilling her other worries, about the Sensate stuff, about Elin, but it all seemed to big to convey. ‘I’ll try to run a little on my way home.’

She glanced across the yard at Koro’s house. She could see him in his yard, pottering about. Then he straightened, checked the time and went inside. She looked at the time too and she knew he’d be heading inside for a cup of tea. That was always the best time to catch him for a little advice. She thought back to the way he’d looked at her when she and Kiri had gone to see him after she’d had that vision, when she’d first seen Will. It was almost as if he’d known something more than he’d said.

‘I’m going to go and see Koro before I go home,’ she said, standing up and stretching.

Her mum reached out and took her hand for a moment. ‘Good. Maybe he can help with whatever else it is that’s bothering you.’

Niki chuckled softly. ‘How do you always know?’

‘I’m your mum. It’s my job, no matter how grown you get.’

Niki just smiled, before she hugged her mum goodbye. She called goodbye to her dad and the kids, before she headed off to see Koro.

She wasn’t actually related to Koro, except maybe distantly, but he was the oldest member of the _iwi_ and had been for some time. Everybody trusted him absolutely and often went to him for advice.

She knocked on his door and heard his familiar, rough voice calling her to enter. She pushed the door open and stepped inside the little house.

Koro was sitting at his kitchen table with a pot of tea and a plate of biscuits. There was an empty cup waiting for her. He smiled and took a drink of his own tea.

‘I saw you looking over, knew you’d want to talk. Tell me, what parts of the world echo in your mind now?’

She started. ‘What do you mean?’

His grin made his weather-beaten face wrinkle even more. ‘Your cluster, where are they from?’

Niki dropped into the chair, speechless. ‘You know? About the sensate thing?’

‘Of course.’ He poured her a cup of tea and pushed the biscuits across the table to her. ‘Many of our bloodlines are sensate. I am, though I have had the pain of having lost too many of my cluster.’

Niki felt a stab of pain in her chest at that thought. That would be like … like losing a part of herself. Koro was looking at her with understanding in his warm brown eyes.

‘Yes, it is as painful as you are imagining,’ he said, softly.

She reached out and gripped his hand. His fingers, though rough and blistered, enfolded her hand so gently. Suddenly, she could feel the warmth of him beyond just his hand physically in hers. She could feel the long years of his life washing over her, so many memories intertwining seamlessly with different lives. The lives of his cluster.

‘We’re connected,’ she whispered.

He chuckled softly. ‘You feel it now. I was waiting until you understood yourself a little more. It seems you are beginning to understand.’

‘There’s so much I don’t understand. So, I can connect with seven other people across the world. America, France, Iceland, Britain, Japan, Syria. But why? What connects us? Why us?’

‘You were born like this, humanity but a different part. Sapiens and Sensate are like the lavender plant and the bumble bee. We need each other to survive.’

‘Will, that’s the man who says he’s my father, he said there are bad clusters out there, that we need to be careful. Is that true?’

Koro patted her hand gently. ‘It is true. Though fewer now thanks to the bravery of some clusters who fought one of our greatest enemies.’

‘Tell me about that.’

‘Another time, Nikora. For now, you need to learn your own cluster more. Soon, you will know them as well as you know yourself.’

‘Should the connection be as easy between any of us?’ she asked.

He frowned at her. ‘There may be someone in your cluster you feel especially close to but you should have no trouble connecting with any one of them. The connection with your own cluster should be as instinctive and automatic as breathing. It should be as simple as looking in the mirror at your own face.’ He smiled. ‘Though sometimes more like the funhouse mirror at the fair.’

She laughed. ‘Yeah, it is sometimes like that.’

He squeezed her hand then let go. ‘Don’t worry. Soon, it will all get easier.’

‘I hope so because it’s still very confusing.’

Alone with him in the kitchen, Wolfgang took the opportunity to pull Rajan to him and kiss him. He smelled of melted butter from the pancakes he was halfway through cooking and, although Wolfgang was hungry, the urge to feel Rajan against him was even stronger.

Rajan let out a surprised breath as he found himself tugged into his husband’s arms and kissed thoroughly. Wolfgang slipped his hands beneath Rajan’s loose t-shirt to feel the warmth of his skin beneath his fingertips. Rajan clung to him, sinking eagerly into the kiss. 

Wolfgang kissed him slowly and deeply, savouring the familiar taste and feel of him. Just holding him in his arms, the warmth and solidness of him against his body, made Wolfgang feel good. Sometimes he thought about where he’d be without him. Of course, Kala and the rest of the cluster had helped him so much too, but it had been Rajan who had taught him to trust. With the others, he didn’t have a choice. They just knew how he felt without him having to tell them. But with Rajan, he’d had to consciously tell him his secrets. And he had. Somehow, he’d learned to trust him. Now, he couldn’t imagine functioning without him.

His world narrowed to just the soft pressure of Rajan’s mouth on his, the warmth of his chest against his and the gentleness of his fingertips on the skin of his waist. For a moment, there was nothing but Rajan. 

‘Oops, don’t mind me,’ said Will. ‘I’ve just been sent to see about breakfast.’

Wolfgang broke the kiss, laughing, and glanced round at Will with a smirk. ‘Even if I couldn’t feel how hungry you are, I wouldn’t believe that.’

‘It’ll be ready in a moment,’ said Rajan. He smiled. ‘If I can remember how to let go of Wolfie.’

Will laughed and started to set the table.

Rajan looked at Wolfgang, amusement shining in his eyes. ‘What was that for anyway?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Just because I wanted to.’

Rajan slid his arms further around Wolfgang’s waist and held him to him for a moment. ‘It’s so good to see you like this again, Wolfie. You’re steady again.’

Wolfgang sighed contentedly. ‘I just feel that maybe everything is going to work out and that, if something bad does happen, we’ll have each other.’ He glanced over at Will, before looking back at Rajan. ‘We’re all in this together, no matter what.’


	83. Chapter 83

Lito was alone in the house when the phone calls started. They never used the landline. It was just there for emergencies so, when it started ringing, it made him jump. Grumbling a bit, he got up to answer it so he could tell them to take his number off their list.

‘Hello,’ he said, expecting a falsely cheerful caller, or a recorded message. There was silence.

‘Hello?’ he said again, irritated.

Silence. Then he heard it. Breathing.

‘Who is it?’ he asked. Still nothing but that breathing.

He put the phone down. He went to sit down again, picking up the script he’d been looking through. The phone rang again.

Huffing, he went to answer it again. ‘What?’ he snapped.

Still nothing, just that breathing. He slammed the phone down and grumbled as he went to sit down. For five minutes, there was silence and he started to relax.

The phone rang again. He slammed the script down, stormed over to the phone and picked it up. ‘What do you want from me?’ he demanded down the phone.

Still just that breathing. Anger pulsed through him and he yanked the phone out of the socket and chucked it against the wall.

‘I thought I was the one who had anger management problems,’ said a wry voice behind him.

Lito turned and saw Wolfgang. He gave him a weak smile. ‘Hello.’

Wolfgang’s eyes narrowed as he studied him. ‘What’s happened?’

Lito took a big breath. ‘Someone keeps calling me.’

‘Heavy breather?’

Lito rubbed the back of his head. ‘I don’t know. It … they don’t say anything. I can just hear them breathing. Not even heavy breathing, just breathing.’ 

Wolfgang watched him carefully for a moment, then nodded slowly. ‘You think it’s the same person who’s been following you?’

‘Has to be. Doesn’t it?’

Wolfgang didn’t reply, just looked thoughtful. ‘Has there been anything else?’

Lito hesitated. He hadn’t meant to tell him, or really mention it to any of them, but he couldn’t keep it from them. ‘A few days ago, we came home to find a bouquet of roses on the doorstep, with a note. It said, _Congratulations, you’re finally going to get what you deserve._ Which is nice but also … could be not so nice, do you know what I mean?’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘No name?’

‘I know, that’s not good is it?’

Wolfgang thought for a moment. ‘Just be careful. Keep alert to what’s going on around you and call us if you need us.’

‘What about Will? Do you still want me to keep this secret from him?’

Wolfgang hesitated, then slowly shook his head. ‘I don’t think this is Alois. I think something else is going on here.’

Nomi was curled up in a chair, watching Amanita read a story to Melika and Konani. They were cuddled up on either side of their mama, both fully absorbed by the book, and they made quite a picture of loving family. Nomi took a few pictures of the scene but mostly she was content to just watch.

It wasn’t until she noticed Wolfgang hanging around that her attention was drawn away from her little family. He looked nervous but she could also feel the warmth in him as he looked at the kids. She smiled. She could feel how his love for her, the love they all felt for each other, had now expanded for all her family.

She got up and went into the kitchen so she could talk to him without interrupting story time.

‘Has something happened?’ she asked him.

He shook his head but didn’t speak yet. She watched, waiting for him to say what he needed to say. She knew sometimes he needed time.

‘If I asked you to do something without mentioning it to Will, would you?’

She frowned at him. That was something she had never expected him to say. ‘What is it? Why don’t you want Will to know?’

‘I want to know everything we can find out about Alois but if Will knows we’re investigating, it’ll upset him.’

She considered. She didn’t like keeping secrets from anyone in her cluster but this was different. Was it all right to keep something from someone if the truth would only hurt them?

She nodded. ‘All right. I’ll see what I can find out.’

He gave her a smile. ‘Thank you.’

She reached out and touched his jaw gently. ‘Are you all right?’

He shrugged dismissively. ‘You know me.’

‘Yeah, that’s why I’m asking.’

He gave her a half-grin. ‘You’re going to be one of those moms that always knows what’s up, aren’t you?’

‘I hope to be.’

Wolfgang glanced over at the kids, still being read to with Amanita. ‘They’re lucky to have you.’

Nomi smiled. ‘No, we’re lucky to have them, and we’re doing our best by them.’

‘It’s frightening, isn’t it? Being a parent. More than facing down people who want to kill me.’

‘Because it’s not just your life in question,’ she said. ‘You’ve got these innocent lives to protect now.’

Wolfgang was quiet for a moment, as he let those words sink in. Then he nodded. He reached out and touched her arm gently. ‘Let me know what you find out,’ he said and then he was gone.

Nomi went back to her little family. After the children’s bedtime, she would get on her computer and see what she could find out about Alois Ricken.

Tora felt a sudden pull in her chest and panic clutched at her without any reason. It took her a moment to realise, it wasn’t her own panic. It was Mari. She turned and she was in Mari’s bedroom at her mother’s house, watching Mari hugging Eowyn tight.

‘Can I help?’ she asked, not sure what to do. She remembered to sign as well as speak.

‘Hug,’ signed Mari, her lips pressed tightly together.

Tora stepped up behind her, wrapped her arms around her and held her tight. She could feel Mari’s emotions pulsing through her, too strong for her to handle. Tora felt she needed something else, something more.

She started to sing, a song she knew Mari knew. She kept her voice low and soft, so that Mari didn’t have to focus on the words too much and she could just let the music wash over her.

If you love somebody  
Better tell them why they're here 'cause  
They just may run away from you

You'll never know what went well  
Then again it just depends on  
How long of time is left for you

I've had the highest mountains  
I've had the deepest rivers  
You can have it all but not til you move it

Now take it in but don't look down

'Cause I'm on top of the world, 'ey  
I'm on top of the world, 'ey  
Waiting on this for a while now  
Paying my dues to the dirt  
I've been waiting to smile, 'ey  
Been holding it in for a while, 'ey  
Take it with me if I can  
Been dreaming of this since a child  
I'm on top of the world

Gradually, she began to feel Mari relax. She stilled in her arms and Eowyn climbed down from her lap and started to nuzzle at her hand. Tora let her go and stopped singing as Mari’s breathing returned to normal and Tora felt the tension drain out of her.

Tora knelt in front of her chair. ‘Better?’ she signed.

Mari nodded, then took a deep breath and signed. ‘Thank you.’

Tora glanced around the room. The only other place to sit was the double bed on the other side of the room. She took Mari’s hand, tugged her gently to her feet and over to the bed. Mari went willingly and quietly and they lay down together.

Mari rested her head on Tora’s shoulder and Tora held her, just waiting until she was ready to talk.


	84. Chapter 84

Teddy knocked on the hotel room door, his heart hammering in his chest. The snooty white man on the reception hadn’t wanted to let him in. Teddy had watched him looking him up and down, taking in his dark skin, his pale grey hoodie and his scuffed trainers.

‘Are you staying at this hotel?’ he had asked, looking down his nose at Teddy.

‘No, I’m visiting a friend. The penthouse.’

The man’s eyebrows had shot up. ‘ _You_ are visiting the penthouse? Do you really think this is the kind of place that lets people like you in?’

Teddy had squirmed uncomfortably but then Rafael had visited and seen what was happening. ‘Hang on, I’ll ring down.’

Part of Teddy had enjoyed the surprise and embarrassment on the receptionist’s face when Rafael had asked for his visitor over the phone and described Teddy to a tee. But mostly, he just felt bad inside, like he always did when someone looked at him like that.

But when Rafael opened the door to him, with that big smile that gave him butterflies, he immediately felt a little better.

‘That’s the only problem with luxury hotels, you get cabrónes like him.’

Teddy shrugged. ‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said, as Rafael shut the door behind him.

Rafael frowned at him. ‘It does matter. I’ll be having words with the management before I leave.’

‘Just leave it, Rafi. It doesn’t matter.’

Rafael was about to say something more but Teddy reached for him, cupping the back of his neck and pulling him close. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore. He didn’t want to let this spoil their time together.

Niki had set off walking from Koro’s house but, when she was out of sight, she cautiously broke into a gentle jog. There was no jolt of pain, no sluggishness. She could just run.

The joy of it flooded her senses and she could feel her emotions blasting across her cluster. For a moment, she felt them all with her, all experiencing the joy of the run along with her. She ran faster, allowing her body to do what it could do.

Anwar ran beside her. His body was exhausted but he was elated, full of hope in the future and joy at what he had achieved. She grinned at him. They had done it. They had both pushed through the hardship and the pain and they had done I t. And now they could do anything.

As she reached her house, she slowed to a more gentle jog again. She grinned as she saw Kiri waiting for her. A smile spread across Kiri’s face as she saw her.

‘Hey, you’re running!’ she called. ‘How does it feel?’

‘Fucking fantastic!’ Niki called back. She came to a stop as she reached her sort-of girlfriend. She felt so good, she just gave into what she wanted to do. She reached out, cupped Kiri’s jaw and brought her close into a kiss.

Elin felt Niki’s joy at her run and smiled. She felt warm inside as she watched her clustermate’s exhilaration. She wanted to run with her but something held her back.

She was alone in her bunk, while the others in her team socialised together in the rec room, playing cards, drinking and chatting together. She could hear the buzz of their conversation but it was too far away to pick up in any detail.

She felt the ache of loneliness in her chest. She wanted to join them, to let Niki’s joy spread through her, but Alois said it wasn’t a good idea.

‘It’s not,’ he said, lying beside her suddenly. ‘You’re much better off in here.’ He smiled. ‘With me.’

‘I just feel lonely sometimes,’ she said.

He reached up and stroked her cheek gently. ‘You’ll never be alone now you have me.’

She closed her eyes. She could feel his warmth and it was a comfort. She wasn’t alone. She leaned into him and felt his soft kiss on her lips.

_Rafael’s hands are gentle but sure as he undresses Teddy. His greenish-brown eyes are bright in the low light of the room and Teddy can see, can feel how much he desires him. He reaches for Rafi in return, wanting to feel the warmth of his skin beneath his hands. His body is soft, his olive skin smooth and responsive as he slides his fingertips across his chest._

_Mari bridges the gap between her and Tora, meeting her lips softly and tentatively, and Tora can feel her uncertainty. Tora doesn’t want her to feel uncertain. She wants her to feel sure and confident. Tora reaches for her, burying one hand in her long black hair, trailing the other over the curve of her hip._

_As Kiri guides her to her bed, Niki knows they are not alone. As she pulls Kiri’s warm, naked body against her, she can feel her cluster with her, passion and love rippling across their minds and bodies. As she buries both hands in Kiri’s chestnut hair, she senses the cluster feeling it too._

_Anwar is alone but his cluster don’t leave him out. As he lies still on his camp bed, he feels Niki trail her hand over his shoulder. He feels the softness of Rafael’s kiss on his cheek. He feels Mari’s fingers flex on his hip. He can feel them all._

_Alois wraps his arms around Elin, strong and possessive. He kisses her mouth hard, like she might slip away, like this might be his last chance to claim her. Elin wants to feel them all. She feels warmth and softness like she has never felt before. Their pleasure becomes hers and hers becomes theirs. She wants to feel them all, not just him._

_Teddy reaches for Rafael, pulling him down to the bed for another deep kiss. ‘I want you inside me,’ he whispers and a shiver goes through the whole cluster._

_‘I want to feel you,’ whispers Mari, as Tora’s skilful hands trace over her hips and across her thick thighs, as though she is trying to learn every inch of her. A smile spreads across Tora’s face as Mari’s legs part for her and she reaches for that heat._

_As Kiri wraps her legs around her, Niki is surrounded by her heat, and that of her cluster. Their gazes fixed on each other, Kiri guides the smooth, firm shaft of the rainbow strap-on inside her and Niki gasps with Teddy, as Rafael pushes into him; the slight resistance of their bodies gives way under that delicious pressure._

_Elin gasps too as she feels it. Alois’s hands are gentle but firm on her but, as she turns her head, she finds Niki with her. Hazel eyes meet startling blue and, for a moment, they just gaze at each other. Then Niki tilts her head and their mouths meet in a kiss so soft that Elin’s breath catches in her throat._

_But it only lasts for a moment, for then Alois takes hold of Elin’s face in both hands and tugs her to him._

_Elin is more distant suddenly and Niki whimpers at the loss, but then Kiri is moving, and so is Rafi and Tora’s fingers are fluttering over Mari’s heat, sending delicious waves of pleasure through them all._

_Their pleasure peaks together and they gasp as one, losing themselves in each other, and one kiss means their mouths all meet, heat and pleasure and love pulsing through all of them as one._

Rafael collapsed against his lover and Teddy cupped his jaw and tugged him into a deep, slow, lazy kiss as they lay together. Rafi grinned as they parted, gazing into those big dark eyes, which were so full of emotion. Rafael thought he was learning to read him, though he sensed there were many more depths to Teddy that he hadn’t yet discovered. Thanks to their connection, Rafael already knew that he had so much more to learn.

Teddy shifted them slightly, so he could rest his head on Rafael’s shoulder. Rafael slipped his arm around Teddy and started trailing his hands through his shoulder-length dreadlocks. He loved the soft silky feel of them and he could feel that Teddy was enjoying the sensation of him playing with his hair.

‘That was intense,’ he murmured, dropping a kiss on the top of Teddy’s head.

‘Mmm,’ replied Teddy, the vibration of his voice going right through Rafi’s body. ‘The cluster. It was more intense than last time like all the connections feel so much stronger.’

Rafi took a breath. ‘Do you think … do you think it’ll be that intense when we can’t physically be together?’

Teddy tilted his head to look up at him. ‘Maybe not quite as intense but … at least we can still be together when we’re apart.’

Rafi smiled. ‘You do want to be with me then?’

Teddy laughed. ‘Of course, Raf.’ He reached up and cupped Rafael’s jaw, stroking his cheek gently. ‘I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.’

Rafael felt the ache of vulnerability in his chest and he had to ask. ‘You really mean it? After what you said before …’

Teddy looked down for a moment. ‘I was scared and I didn’t know what was going on.’ He looked up, into Rafi’s eyes. ‘But I mean it, Raf.’ He leaned up and kissed him tenderly on the mouth. ‘I don’t wanna be without you.’

Rafael wrapped his arms around Teddy and held him close, skin against skin for another deep kiss. They knew they would have to part but not yet. Not yet.

Niki tugged the blanket over them where she lay, legs entangled, with Kiri. They were still panting, their skin still tingling with pleasure and half-laughing with giddiness.

‘I’ve missed you like this,’ Kiri said, softly.

Niki looked at her and grinned. ‘What, missed fucking me?’

Kiri smirked. ‘Well, yeah, but also, you’ve been so … you haven’t been you. With the injury and the …’

‘Sharing my mind with seven other people?’

Kiri smiled gently and traced her fingers across Niki’s cheek. ‘It’s gotta be confusing, reka.’

Niki smiled at the endearment and the softness in Kiri’s voice. ‘Really confusing.’

‘It feels like you’re getting the hang of it now.’

‘Starting to, I think.’

Kiri looked at her for a moment, studying her face. ‘They were with you just then, weren’t they? Experiencing your pleasure with you.’

Niki nodded. ‘I think we’ll always experience everything together now. Do you mind?’

Kiri shook her head. ‘I just wish I could feel it too. But … something’s worrying you about it, isn't it?’

Niki smiled gently. ‘How do you always know?’ She sighed, tucking herself into her girlfriend further, relishing her warmth. ‘I’m worried about Elin. She was there and then she wasn’t.’

‘Has that happened before?’

‘I’m not sure. Maybe, but it’s still confusing. This is all new to me.’

‘The only way to know is to talk to her. Find out what’s going on.’

Niki knew Kiri was right but she had no idea how to broach that topic or what it was all about. She wasn’t even sure what was bothering her exactly. 


	85. Chapter 85

Tora cupped Mari’s shoulder and looked at her. ‘Are you ready to talk?’ she asked.

Mari sighed and settled with her head beside Tora’s on her pillow. For a moment, she couldn’t work out where she was, either in her bed or in Tora’s, but then everything seemed to settle and it didn’t matter where she was. She let out a long breath.

‘Alois asked me to find out about Wolfgang.’

‘You found out something bad?’

Mari nodded. ‘A string of offenses as a teenager, ranging from shoplifting to assault, though the police struggled to prove the more serious charges because his family paid for a hotshot lawyer to get him off.’

‘Doesn’t seem like a rich kid.’

Mari shook her head. ‘Organised crime. The Bogdanow family were major players in the criminal underworld of Berlin.’

‘Well, who his family is wasn’t his fault. It looks like he escaped them.’

‘His family were all murdered in a shooting the police strongly suspected was done by him. Then not long after, a woman called Lila Facchini fingered him for a mass shooting in a restaurant. After that he goes into hiding for a while until he turns up in Paris.’

‘If all that’s true and he did do that, why hasn’t he been deported to face charges?’

‘I don’t know. He obviously has connections.’

‘I can understand why finding all that out must be upsetting but …’

‘It’s just … when we sort of met him in that park, he seemed like a good guy. He seemed caring and loving. How can … how can my judgement be so bad?’

Tora shook her head, at a loss to reply to that. Mari didn’t blame her; there was no reassurance to be found. She’s always thought, despite being autistic and not great at understanding the little social cues that neuro-typical people seemed to understand, that she was a decent judge of character. But if she could be that wrong about Wolfgang, what else was she wrong about?

She glanced up and saw Alois. ‘You’ve done well,’ he said. ‘Don’t blame yourself for not seeing it. You’re not an expert in people like I am.’

‘I can see why you didn’t want to trust him,’ said Mari.

‘I don’t like the idea of judging people by what the official story about them is,’ said Rafael. ‘I can only judge by what is in front of me, by how I see that person treating others now.’

‘I feel the same,’ said Niki.

‘Then you’re a fool,’ snapped Alois, fixing Niki with a hard look. Mari felt a stab of cold anger from him. She shook her head, trying to keep her focus.

Niki stood up straight. ‘Will trusts him, and that’s good enough for me.’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘What does Elin think?’

Alois held her gaze unblinkingly. ‘She trusts my judgement.’

‘Really? I’d like to hear that from her. We’re all one cluster, aren’t we? Why do you want to keep her from us?’

Alois smiled but Mari couldn’t get a handle on his emotions. He didn’t give away a lot, even by the feelings between them. She could feel the others clearly enough, but him not so well. ‘If she wants to stay away,’ he said, smoothly. ‘I can only respect her decision.’

‘I want to talk to her,’ said Niki, firmly.

Mari felt that cold anger from Alois again, just the slightest hint of it.

‘Elin does not want to talk to you right now and I will protect her if I need to.’

Niki didn’t say anything but Mari could feel her confusion and her determination. She sensed this was not going to be the end of it.

Alois looked around at them all. Everyone was there now, except for Elin. Mari looked around at them all. Anwar was focusing on Alois, ready to listen. Teddy looked anxious and kept glancing between Alois and Rafael, who looked unsure. Tora was listening attentively. Only Niki didn’t look happy; a deep frown had settled on her brow.

‘Will himself warned us about having enemies,’ he said. ‘So I think we need to be very careful and not put our trust in anyone but each other until we really know them. We need to keep our distance from the other cluster, especially Wolfgang. Can we agree on that?’

‘It makes sense to be,’ said Anwar.

Mari glanced at Tora, who looked worriedly back at her. ‘I suppose even Will did warn us not to blindly trust.’

‘And all that stuff did sound pretty bad,’ said Tora.

‘If we stick to each other, we’ll stay safe,’ said Alois. Again, he wore that smile but Mari could detect no emotion behind it.

Niki just folded her arms across her chest and frowned but didn’t say anymore.

Wolfgang woke to warmth and the gentle tickle of one of Rajan’s whiskery kisses. He smiled, keeping his eyes closed and reaching out to stroke his husband’s beard, allowing his fingertips to brush the soft hairs.

Rajan kissed him again. ‘Wakey, wakey, sleeping beauty.’

Wolfgang opened his eyes and smiled up at his husband. ‘Morning, what time is it?’

‘About nine.’

‘Woah, I didn’t mean to sleep that late. You and Kala must have been up for hours with Anika.’

Rajan smiled gently, leaning in to kiss Wolfgang’s jaw. ‘Yeah, but we handled it. You looked so peaceful there.’ He frowned, worriedly. ‘It’s the first time in a while you haven’t been woken with a nightmare.’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘I know.’ A smile spread across his face. ‘But yeah, I don’t think I had any last night.’

Rajan kissed his mouth tenderly. ‘Good.’

Wolfgang looked around to find the bedroom empty apart from them. He visited Kala and saw she was having some time with Anika, who was kicking about on her playmat as Kala sang nursery rhymes to her.

‘I think we have a bit of time, Raj,’ he said, and tugged Rajan down on top of him.

Rajan’s laugh vibrated through his chest. ‘So we do.’ He shifted slightly so he was no longer directly on top of Wolfgang, just halfway. He slung his leg over Wolfgang’s, pushing his knee between his thighs.

Wolfgang grinned as he realised Rajan was just in his boxers, though Wolfgang himself was naked as usual.

‘So, what do you want to do?’ asked Rajan.

Wolfgang reached down and settled his hands at Rajan’s waist, palming his warm skin tenderly. ‘Just be with you,’ he said, and kissed him.

Their kiss was long, deep and unhurried. Wolfgang could never get enough of just kissing Rajan. He was soft, yet strong at the same time. He could be rough and dominant, or vulnerable and submissive, yet all the time, he was loving. In their five years together, there had never been one moment where Wolfgang had doubted Rajan’s love for him, not since that first moment he’d told him. Wolfgang smiled against his husband as he remembered that first time. It had been in the bathroom, of all places, in their old apartment, as Wolfgang had trimmed his beard for him. It had been some time before Wolfgang had been able to return the expression of feeling, but he knew he’d started feeling it well before.

Rajan’s hands were warm and gentle on him, as he traced his skin with fingertip touches, up and down his sides, as they kept kissing. Wolfgang remembered their first kiss, both frightened and nervous, tentatively making those first steps into a relationship.

He smiled as he remembered that kiss. They’d already given Kala pleasure, side by side and Wolfgang remembered feeling nervous, for the first time in any sexual encounter ever, because he hadn’t wanted to frighten Rajan off. He’d known what he wanted and he’d known was Kala had wanted, but Rajan had still been a mystery.

He pulled back a little, cupping Rajan’s jaw and looking into those warm brown eyes. ‘Remember our first kiss?’ he asked.

Rajan smiled. ‘Of course.’ He reached up and cupped Wolfgang’s jaw in both hands ‘You took hold of me like this.’ He traced his thumb across Wolfgang’s mouth, just like Wolfgang had done to him, all those years ago. ‘You were looking at my mouth and I could feel how much you wanted to kiss me. I’d felt it coming, before and I thought I’d be too nervous but, the way you looked at me. Fuck, you were so beautiful, Wolfie, and all I felt was desire for you.’

Wolfgang smiled, his belly fluttering with pleasure. ‘I sort of hesitated, because I wasn’t sure if you really wanted this. It was hard to read you then.’

‘If only you’d known how much of an open book I was.’

Wolfgang laughed softly, then he got serious. ‘Your hand trailed up my shoulder and I remember thinking how gentle you were. I’d never felt that with a man before. When I hesitated, you pulled me in and then I knew. I knew how much you wanted it.’

‘Wanted _you_ ,’ Rajan corrected, and he pulled Wolfgang in for another kiss.

When they parted again, Wolfgang couldn’t stop the big smile that spread across his face. ‘I love you,’ he said, relishing as always how easy that was to say now.

Rajan stroked his cheek tenderly. ‘I love you too.’

Wolfgang sighed and reached up to brush the hair out of Rajan’s eyes. ‘You need a trim.’

‘Come on then,’ said Rajan. ‘You can do it now for me, before I make you some breakfast.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Sounds like a perfect start to the day.’

Rajan laughed. ‘Well, perfect after the start we’ve already had, huh? Making out like teenagers,’ he said, as he got up.

Wolfgang got up too. ‘I’d have liked to have known you as a teenager.’

‘No, you wouldn’t. I was obnoxious and geeky.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘So you’ve not changed then?’ he said, cheekily.

‘Oi,’ said Rajan, giving him a playful smack on his ass. ‘Naughty. Come on, just for that you can do my beard as well.’

‘Happy to,’ said Wolfgang, as he followed Rajan into the bathroom, nothing but happiness in his heart. Everything was all right. He had nothing to worry about. 


	86. Chapter 86

After the five of them had had breakfast together, and Kala had fed Anika, Wolfgang decided she and Rajan needed some time together. He felt he’d taken quite a lot of their attention recently and he felt bad about that. They all knew that having one to one time with each other was important.

‘Right,’ he said, after he’d been to change Anika. ‘I’m going to take Ani out for a walk. Will, Riley, you coming with me?’

They looked at him in surprise. Kala frowned. ‘Don’t you want us to come with you?’

‘Nope. It’s all been about me lately and you need some time together.’ He grinned. ‘Even if you just want to take a nap together while Ani isn’t going to interrupt you.’

Kala exchanged smiles with Rajan. ‘That does sound nice, just some time for us.’

Rajan nodded. ‘All the books say it’s important to make time for each other.’

Wolfgang chuckled. ‘Well if that’s what the books say.’

‘Hmm, though they are surprisingly lacking when it comes to hints on parenting as a polyamorous triad.’

Wolfgang laughed again and rolled his eyes good-naturedly. He loved Rajan’s love of information.

Wolfgang, Will and Riley headed out together. Anika seemed wide awake so Wolfgang tied her securely into the wrap at his chest, so she could look around if she wanted but drop off to sleep against him if the mood took her.

Part of the reason for the walk was that he wanted to reassure Will and Riley that he was all right. He knew they’d been concerned about him. But he was fine now and he wanted to be sure they knew that. He still wasn’t sure about Alois, but he was reassured that they were doing something about it and, hopefully, the plan would be able to minimise the hurt for Will. He certainly didn’t want them to fall out again.

They went to the park, which was one of Wolfgang’s favourite places. He often came running here. But as they walked in through the gates, he felt his heart beating faster. The last time he’d come here, Alois had definitely been following him.

He glanced at Will but was relieved to see he hadn’t noticed the increase in adrenaline. He wondered if it was harder to keep track of his cluster now he had his children to think of as well. Their connection seemed to work very like their own clusters, with Will being almost permanently in tune with them. It was strange then, how he didn’t sense anything strange about Alois. But then, maybe it really was Wolfgang being paranoid. After all, he hadn’t even properly met him yet.

Maybe he’d feel differently when he actually did, but he wasn’t keen to do that yet, not until Nomi had managed to find out a little more about him. 

‘Let’s sit down on the grass over there,’ said Riley. ‘Let Anika kick her legs about a bit.’

They headed over. Wolfgang took his daughter out of her wrap and let Riley take her. It was good to see Riley so happy and relaxed with her. That sharp grief he’d felt in her for so long was dimmer these days, as love for a second baby filled her. He knew she would never forget Lúna, and her loss would always hurt her, but he was so happy to see that his own child was helping her to heal.

He glanced at Will and found him watching Riley and the baby with a soft, wistful smile on his face. Wolfgang wanted to ask if he’d ever thought of having one but he thought he knew the answer and he didn’t want to upset Riley. He didn’t know if they’d ever talked about it. They’d both make excellent parents, though. They’d filled that role for the cluster so well.

Will turned his gaze to him and smiled. ‘How are you, Wolfie?’ he asked.

Wolfgang smiled. ‘I’m good.’ He looked at Anika as she gurgled and let out a happy squeal as she kicked her legs, Riley holding her upright and blowing raspberries at her. He looked back at Will. ‘You don’t need to worry about me.’

Will frowned. ‘You want us to go?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No, we love having you here, but yeah, you don’t have to worry anymore. I’m good. Feeling much better now.’

Will nodded. ‘Good.’ He bit his lip. ‘Not to bring up a sore subject or anything, but I was thinking of going to see Alois. Maybe if I see him in the flesh, I might be able to get through to him. I just keep thinking he might be like Todd and hate what he is. What do you think?’

He considered that thoughtfully for a moment before he spoke. ‘Maybe that is it. Just … be careful.’

Will looked down. ‘I know you don’t like him.’

‘I don’t know him. It’s just … I can’t ignore my feelings.’

‘You always used to ignore them.’ He bit his lip again. ‘No, sorry, forget I said that.’

Riley glanced at them. ‘Not falling out again, are you?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Of course not. Will, I really hope I’m wrong about him. Just promise you’ll be careful. Go alone but keep connected to us.’

Will nodded, looking at Riley. ‘I will. If … if he is like Todd, what can we do about it?’

Riley sighed, setting Anika in her lap, resting against her back against her chest. ‘I’m not sure there’s anything we can do about it. At least he won’t end up falling prey to someone like Whispers. If he does hate this, we can help him get decent blockers and he’ll be able to live his life like a Sapien.’

‘It would be so heart-breaking for the rest of the cluster,’ said Will. ‘They’ve been connected for a few months now. By then, I loved you all so much. I couldn’t imagine losing any of you like that.’

‘Let’s hope it won’t come to that for them,’ said Riley.

Wolfgang didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to put into words the thought that, if his feelings about Alois were right, that man living on blockers might be the best thing for his cluster.

‘I thought you were going to stop this,’ said Rafael, frowning at Alois as they watched the little group sitting on the grass.

Alois didn’t look at him, just kept his eyes fixed on Will, who hadn’t noticed him. ‘He’s come to Paris to see me,’ he said. ‘And he hasn’t even told me about it. Don’t I have a right to know what they’re up to if it involves me.’

‘I’m sure it doesn’t. Anyway, I don’t like being used by you to see where Wolfgang is.’

Alois looked at him for the first time since their visit had begun. ‘Aren’t we of one cluster? You share your skills and information with me. That’s how it works, isn’t it? I’m only protecting myself. If Will has come here just to force me to speak him, I deserve to know.’

‘He’s just worried about you. So am I. Why don’t you trust Will?’

‘He’s given me no reason to trust him.’

‘No reason not to, either. And he’s our father.’

‘That doesn’t mean he deserves trust.’ A slow smile spread across his face. ‘I think I’ll leave Paris for a little while. I think Anwar would appreciate my help now he’s arrived in Munich. I can make sure he and his boys get settled.’

‘I’m sure he’d appreciate that but don’t you want to speak to Will first?’

‘No. I don’t,’ said Alois. He took one last look at the group on the grass, then turned and walked away before they spotted him. 

Rafael glanced helplessly at Wolfgang as the German lifted his daughter into his arms and gave her a kiss. He couldn’t reconcile the man Mari had read about with this tender, although tough and inscrutable man. Yes, he was difficult to read but, along with the strength, the turmoil and the fortitude of the man, Rafael sensed a goodness, that was so clear to see when he saw him with his family. But with most of his cluster pulling the other way, Rafael wasn’t sure what to think.

Maybe all they had to do was watch and wait and see what happened. There could be no harm in that, surely?


	87. Chapter 87

Knowing that Alois was busy preparing to go to Germany to meet Anwar, Niki decided to visit Elin. She’d gone to the woods, where she could just listen to the quiet of the trees around her and find her focus. Kiri had stayed the night at her house and Niki just needed the solitude to really focus and get through Elin’s barriers.

She sat on the ground, heedless of the dampness seeping into the seat of her jeans. She closed her eyes and focused, reaching out for her clustermate. She’d got better at this. Sometimes it just happened but most of the time, it required a need or desire from one or all parties to connect. She just hoped Elin allowed it to happen.

She shivered as she felt icy air on her face. She opened her eyes and squinted around at the bright white snow in every direction. Elin, barely identifiable beneath her Artic gear, was in front of her, staring at her. Or, Niki guessed she was staring at her. She couldn’t actually see her eyes because of the tinted goggles she wore to protect them.

Elin just stood still for a moment, as if she were frozen to the ground. Then, without a word, she moved past Niki and walked inside. But, of course, because Niki was visiting, she came right along with her.

‘I don’t want to talk to you,’ Elin said, after taking off her mask and goggles.

‘It’s important. Please.’

Elin didn’t say anything, just carried on taking her outdoor gear off. Finally, she was just in her fleece trousers and pullover and her fluffy socks. She pulled on her indoor shoes, then headed off. Niki stayed with her.

‘I just need to talk to you, Elin. Please.’

Elin went to her room before she spoke. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked, as she shut the door behind her.

‘I just wanted to make sure you’re all right.’

‘Why wouldn’t I be all right?’

‘You won’t talk to us. I thought something might be wrong.’

Elin glanced at her, then quickly away, like it was hard for her to look her in the eye. ‘I’m fine. I don’t know why you would think there’s anything wrong.’

‘Because you won’t let any of us speak to you, except Alois.’

‘He looks after me. When I go back to Reykjavik, he’s going to help me find my brother.’

‘We can help too.’

Elin frowned at her. ‘Alois says you’re all too busy with your own lives to worry about me.’

‘That’s not true, Elin. We all care about you.’

Elin looked at her for a moment, then shook her head violently and pulled her long blonde hair out of her tight hair tie. She glared at Niki.

‘Well, I don’t care about you. In fact, I don’t trust a single one of you except Alois and I want you to leave me alone.’

‘Elin, please just talk to us,’ begged Niki. ‘We want to help, all of us.’

‘No. Go away. I don’t want to speak to any of you. Just leave me alone!’ Her voice was high and desperate and there were tears in her pale blue eyes.

Niki wanted to stay, wanted to get to the bottom of this, but she didn’t want to upset Elin anymore. For a moment, she was torn but then Elin turned away from her and would no longer look at her.

‘All right, Elin. I’ll leave you alone. But you know where we are if you need us.’

Elin didn’t reply and Niki found herself back in her woods, her heart beating hard. She wanted to run hard to make herself feel better, but she still had to be careful. She pulled her knees up to her chest, holding her legs tightly and tried to focus on getting herself calm. She didn’t know whether to cry or punch something.

‘Estas bien, cariño?’ asked a gentle voice close by to her.

She raised her head and saw Rafael crouching down beside her. She took a deep breath and nodded, then shook her head.

‘Elin?’ he asked.

She nodded, arranging her legs into a straight line in front of her. Her ankle was starting to hurt with the pressure of her position. ‘I tried to talk to her. She won’t even listen to me.’

‘I could feel the emotion. It’s like she’s frightened.’

‘She doesn’t trust us but I don’t understand why. What have we done wrong?’

Rafael shook his head. ‘I don’t know. It feels like there’s something badly wrong but I don’t know how to fix it.’

‘Maybe it’s something we can’t fix.’

Rafael bit his lip. ‘All this stuff about Wolfgang. You don’t believe it either, do you?’

‘It’s not that I don’t believe it. The records exist but … like you said, I wouldn’t want to judge someone on their official story. And Will trusts him. He knows him better than any of us, and I trust Will. Don’t you?’

Rafael nodded. ‘I do, and I feel a goodness in Wolfgang and I can feel the rest of his cluster’s affection for him.’

‘Their cluster is like a family but we’re … fragmented. It’s like we’re not understanding each other, and I don’t know why.’

‘Maybe it just takes time,’ said Rafael. ‘They’ve been together for years. Maybe we just have to wait.’

Niki frowned and bit her lip. She had the feeling it wasn’t going to be as simple as that.

‘I’m going to keep trying with Elin,’ she said. ‘Do you think I’ll be able to get through to her?’

Rafael let out a long breath. ‘Maybe. But it’s going to be hard if she won’t talk to you.’

Niki sagged. ‘I know.’

Rafael put his arm around her. His embrace was warm and gentle and Niki took comfort in his reassuring presence. ‘I’ll help.’

She leaned against him. ‘Thanks.’

She hated to admit it to herself, and she wasn’t ready to say it out loud, but she was beginning to realise how little she trusted Alois.


	88. Chapter 88

Will’s heart hammered as he made his way through the streets of Paris towards Alois’s house. He’d already tried his office but he wasn’t there. He hoped, he really hoped, he was going to find him at his house, that he’d let him in and just listen to him for once.

He could feel his nerves echoing across the whole cluster and he wished they could be with him but it was better they stayed away right now. He didn’t know what reception he was going to get and it was better he faced that alone.

Alois lived in a nice, suburban area of Paris. Will had taken the metro, then walked to get to it. Now he was there and he stood still, looking up at the house for a moment. There was no car in the drive, no lights on inside and no movement. He couldn’t feel Alois either.

He took a deep breath and went to knock on the door. As he did, he felt someone with him. He turned and saw Rafael, who’s handsome face was creased with a serious frown.

‘He isn’t here?’ Will asked.

Rafael shook his head. ‘He isn’t.’

‘So where is he? Why won’t he talk to me?’

Rafael sighed. ‘He … he’s on his way to Germany to help Anwar. He … he isn’t sure he trusts you, or your cluster.’

The words hit Will like a punch to the gut and he suddenly wanted to just five up, collapse into himself and scream out his feelings. But he held himself together and kept eye contact with Rafael.

‘Do you trust us?’

‘Yes,’ said Rafael, immediately. ‘But … Alois … I think he’s probably paranoid. He doesn’t give a lot away, you know, even to us. We don’t know much about his history. Do you?’

Will shook his head. ‘Like you said, he doesn’t give a lot away. It’s strange. I know so much about the rest of you, almost instinctively. But him … he’s a closed book. Why doesn’t he trust us?’

‘It’s more … Wolfgang. Some of the others feel the same way. Mari found out some things about it.’

Will’s body stiffened with tension. ‘He … he’s had a complicated life, been through a lot. He’s done some things in his past he wouldn’t do now.’

‘You trust him,’ said Rafael, looking into Will’s eyes.

Will nodded. ‘I trust him. I trust him with my life, with every secret I’ve got. I trust him with the lives of the people I love. I love him.’

Rafael nodded. ‘Then that’s good enough for me. But …’

‘Not good enough for the others.’

Rafael gave him a small smile. ‘I’m working on them. Niki, Teddy and I are working on them. They’re just nervous and they feel like they don’t know enough. Like these other clusters you were talking about, who you said pose a threat to us, who are they?’

Will ran his hand through his hair, wondering how to explain this. There was so much they needed to know. Where did he start? ‘It’s like … we’re just as human as the Sapiens, just as flawed, just as likely to mess up. And just like the Sapiens, there are those of us who want to grab power. It’s not as dangerous as it used to be, but those clusters are still out there.

‘It sounds complicated.’

‘Get Mari to research the Biologic Preservation Organisation. They’re not the same as they were but that’ll tell you something about what happened.’ He smiled. ‘Maybe that’ll help you trust us.’

Rafael nodded and gave him a smile. He hesitated for a moment, then took a step forward and wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug. Will returned it, taking comfort in the love he could feel from his child. At least he wasn’t a complete failure at being a cluster parent.

Then Rafael was gone but Will wasn’t alone. His whole cluster was there with him. Riley held his hand, her presence buffeting love at him. Lito gripped his shoulder. He felt Capheus’s warmth as he leaned against him and gave him a big, friendly smile. Kala’s fingers moved in a light caress across his arm. Nomi hugged him and Sun slid her arm around his waist and held him tight. Only Wolfgang didn’t touch him. He was frowning.

‘It’s my fault, isn’t it? All this. I’m why they don’t trust us.’

Will didn’t know what to say to that.

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I guess they have good reason to,’ he said, and then he was gone. The gap he left behind made Will’s chest ache.

Rajan was reading a book on the sofa, watching over Anika as she slept in her carry cot. He knew there was something going on with the cluster. Will had gone to try to talk to Alois, so Riley, Wolfgang and Kala had all gone upstairs, to focus together on keeping an eye on him.

He heard footsteps on the stairs and he looked up, expecting to see them all returning to fill him in on what had happened. But it was just Wolfgang. That deep frown had settled between his eyebrows and he wasn’t looking at Rajan, but had his gaze fixed on the floor.

Rajan put down his book. He immediately knew that something was wrong. ‘Wolfie, what is it, love?’

Wolfgang didn’t speak. He reached the sofa and sat down beside him. Rajan placed his hand on the small of his back.

‘Has something happened?’

Wolfgang shook his head, then lay down, his head on Rajan’s lap. Okay, clearly, he didn’t want to talk about this, whatever it was. Not yet, anyway. He couldn’t not talk forever but maybe, just for this moment, a little comfort and quiet was what was needed.

Rajan laid his hand in Wolfgang’s hair and stroked the golden strands gently. He watched his husband close his eyes and, gradually, that frown eased. But it was still there; the something was still bothering him.

‘What is it, Wolfie?’ Rajan asked, still tenderly stroking his hair.

‘Sometimes I wish I could just erase chunks of my life,’ said Wolfgang, in a flat voice. ‘But I’ll never escape it, will I? It’s always going to be there.’

‘Oh, love,’ murmured Rajan. He leaned down and kissed Wolfgang’s temple. ‘I don’t know what’s happened but … your life has what’s made you who you are. You can’t erase it or pretend it never happened. You wouldn’t be you anymore.’

‘I know,’ said Wolfgang. He turned over and buried his face in Rajan’s belly. ‘I’d be someone better.’

Rajan didn’t know how to answer. He just kept stroking Wolfgang’s hair tenderly, hoping the loving touch would bring him some comfort.


	89. Chapter 89

Will and Riley stayed another week. They could all feel Will was upset about Alois but they didn’t really talk about it because he didn’t want to. He said there was nothing he could do to change it so why rake it over?

Instead, they just spent time together and time with Anika. She seemed to really like them and, very quickly, Will and Riley were just as able to comfort her or make her giggle as her parents were. She had only just started to giggle but it was Wolfgang’s favourite sound in the world. Funny faces or noises made her laugh, as did the silliest things, like the sight of Rajan taking his reading glasses on and off.

But she did the loudest squealing giggles when Wolfgang took her swimming. She liked to kick in the water and bash her hands against the surface of the pool making big splashes. She wasn’t afraid of the water at all. She loved it, just like he did.

He took her nearly every day up to their swimming pool. It was their one on one time. And afterwards Rajan took her for a bath, then Kala fed her and usually read her a story or sang her a song before putting her in bed, though sometimes they switched out on that part to give Kala a break.

They were getting into their own routine and the weeks were passing them by. Even after Will and Riley went home, they visited often, as did the rest of the cluster. Sometimes it seemed that Anika was reacting to their presence. She’d turn her head in their direction sometimes and stare but it could have been she was just reacting to her parents talking to their cluster.

Wolfgang tried not to think about the other cluster. He couldn’t make them trust him and he didn’t want to cause any upset. He saw Rafael sometimes. He joined him on his morning runs and they talked. Neither of them mentioned Alois.

It was the end of the summer and Anika was five months old and growing fast. She liked to sit up in her highchair when they ate and she always watched the food go into their mouths in fascination.

She knew her name and was babbling a lot. She got very cross if you didn’t respond conversationally when she babbled something incomprehensible at you. They were all curious as to what language she’d first start speaking, since there was such a mix of languages used in the house. They had tried to stick to one person speaks one language but they hadn’t managed it for long. Kala and Wolfgang particularly were far too used to slipping seamlessly between languages from sentence to sentence. They just hoped she wouldn’t end up confused by it. Rajan had started doing some research on the topic, of course.

It was Friday lunchtime. Rajan had been to work that morning. He was gradually starting to spend more time in the office now, but was always home by lunchtime on Fridays, so they could have some quality time together, as they always had done. Wolfgang had made a Spanish omelette and they were just chatting at the dinner table as they ate. Anika was in her highchair, playing with a rattle which made a noise like a rain stick. Riley had bought it for her, saying it was good for developing rhythm.

‘I was thinking I’d like to start going back to work,’ said Kala.

Rajan glanced at Wolfgang, then turned his attention to Kala. ‘You know you can have as long as you like off.’

‘I know but I think I’m ready. Just a few hours a week to start with but I miss my job.’ She smiled. ‘You knew when you married me that I was a career woman.’

Rajan smiled. ‘Of course, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ He took a drink of his orange juice and gave Anika a smile. ‘Then we’ll have to sort out childcare for you, won’t we? I see a couple of options, unless I miss any. One, nursery. Two, a nanny, or three we work out our hours between the three of us so someone is always here.’

Wolfgang cleared his throat. ‘I’ve been thinking about maybe … staying at home. I mean … if no one minds. It’d mean going without my wage but well, I don’t earn much anyway. And Felix doesn’t really need me.’

Rajan looked at him in surprise. ‘You’d want to do that?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Yeah. I love being with Anika and I don’t mind doing most of the housework.’

‘Well, I’m happy to get a cleaner in so you can focus on Ani. I mean, we all know how much work babies are now, don’t we? It’s been the three of us tag teaming so far.’

‘I can live with that,’ said Wolfgang. ‘If … you two don’t mind earning the money.’

‘Wolfie, if we wanted, we could all give up work and live off the money I’ve got. The only reason to work is because you want to. If you’d rather stay at home, that’s fine.’ He looked at Kala. ‘What do you think?’

Kala smiled. ‘I agree. I feel better about it actually, that she’ll be with one of us instead of strangers, and that I don’t have to worry what hours I’m doing.’

‘How many hours were you thinking of doing?’ Wolfgang asked.

‘Maybe three days a week? Monday to Wednesday. Then you can still do your therapy on Thursday mornings, and we can have the weekends together like we do now.’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Sounds good to me.’ He leaned forward and held Anika’s pudgy little hand. ‘Looks like Monday through Wednesday, it’s just going to be me and you, Mäuslein. What do you think of that?’

She beamed at him and babbled at him, drool running down her chin. He laughed. ‘Yeah, me too, Ani.’

‘Wolfgang,’ said Kala, carefully.

Feeling her anxiety spike, he glanced at her. ‘What is it, Liebling?’

‘Don’t take this the wrong way …’

He smiled. ‘Uh oh, I’m not going to like this, am I?’

She bit her lip. ‘How are you feeling? Are you … how you feeling about …’ She trailed off, unsure how to ask the question that burned in her mind.

He leaned back in his chair. ‘You want to ask me if I’m still feeling paranoid.’

She bit her lip and cast an anxious look at Rajan. He opened his mouth to reply but Wolfgang held up his hand.

‘It’s all right. I understand you asking the question.’ He looked between the two of them, then looked at Anika. He gave her a smile before glancing down at his hands. ‘I’m all right. Okay, so I don’t trust Alois as far as I could throw him but, he’s leaving me alone and I’m leaving him alone.’ He looked at Kala, then at Rajan. ‘I’m all right, honestly.’

They both gave him relieved smiles. ‘That’s reassuring,’ said Kala. She visited him and squeezed his hand. ‘If it changes, you will talk to us, won’t you?’ she said, so Rajan could hear as well.

Wolfgang let out a soft chuckle. ‘Yeah, I’ve learned my lesson on that one,’ he said, certainly.

It wasn’t until later that afternoon, when Nomi turned up, just to him, with an anxious look on her face, that he started to doubt his certainty.

Nomi bit her lip and looked at him with worry clear in her blue eyes. ‘I’ve found out about Alois.’


	90. Chapter 90

Wolfgang glanced at his spouses, who were both absorbed in playing with Anika, and hadn’t noticed he was being visited. Without drawing attention to himself, he excused himself and went out onto the balcony. Nomi kept with him.

After he’d shut the balcony doors, he looked at her. ‘I’m not going to like this, am I?’

She sighed. ‘It’s … unclear.’

‘Have you got information for me or not?’ he snapped.

‘All right, don’t bite my head off.’

He gave her an apologetic glance. ‘Sorry. What have you found out?’

‘Officially, he’s clean, as a whistle. But …’

‘But what?’

‘Like I said, it’s unclear. Things seem to happen around him. He seems to have had a lot of tragedy in his life.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘He had a girlfriend when he had his cluster birth but she killed herself about a month after.’

‘That is tragic,’ said Wolfgang, unsure where Nomi was going with this.

‘But it’s not the first time. There was another girlfriend a few years ago who did the same and his best friend at boarding school when he was fifteen. He’s never been in trouble with the police, no record. Nothing.’

‘So, what are you trying to say, Nomi? What do you think about him?’

She shook her head. ‘I don’t know. But that’s the only thing unusual about him. Well, it’s not the only thing. He’s exceptionally bright, graduated high school early, got top marks at university. He’s known as an exemplary psychiatrist. He even works with high-profile murderers and sex offenders. He’s helped quite a few apparently.’

‘So, what you’re telling me is that he’s an intelligent, professional man with a tragic past who has never put a foot wrong.’ He sighed heavily. ‘I guess I am just paranoid.’

Nomi put a hand on his arm. ‘I don’t think you’re going to find that out unless you actually meet him. Maybe if you connect with him, you’d know for sure.’

‘Probably. But it’s too dangerous. It’s not like we could undo the connection if we found out he was a dangerous serial killer, is it?’

‘That’s not really likely, is it?’

Wolfgang shrugged and leaned on the balcony railing. ‘No. But you know me, I like to be cautious.’

She snorted. ‘I’d never describe you as cautious.’

He poked her lightly. ‘Oi. Okay, I’m paranoid, but I just want to protect my family.’

She leaned into him and put her arm around his waist. ‘I know.’ She sighed. ‘Do you still want me to keep this quiet from Will.’

‘Yeah. Sorry, I know that’s not easy but … I don’t want to cause any upset. Thanks, for researching for me. If you find anything else…’

She patted his back and pulled away. ‘I’ll let you know.’ She glanced back into the lounge. ‘Go and talk to them about it,’ she said, in a slightly scolding tone, as though she’d known he hadn’t been planning to.

He gave her a shrug and a half smile. ‘You’re getting as bad as Will since you’ve become a parent.’

She just grinned and gave him a little push, then she was gone. Wolfgang went back inside.

Kala looked at him. ‘Some news?’ she asked.

Wolfgang sighed. Nomi had been right. He hadn’t exactly planned on explaining to Kala and Rajan what she had said, but he supposed there was no need to keep it from them. They had known he’d asked Nomi to check up on him.

Fighting against his old instinct to keep everything to himself, he sat down on the sofa and told them what Nomi had said.

‘Maybe that explains why he’s distrustful of you,’ said Rajan. ‘If he’s had a lot of tragedy in his life.’

‘Yeah, maybe.’

‘You don’t sound convinced,’ said Kala.

‘I just … don’t like him and I probably never will.’ He reached for Anika, where she was sitting on the floor and lifted her up into his arms. She squealed with laughter as he whirled her through the air before bringing her to rest on his chest. ‘I think we should just forget about him and focus on our daughter,’ he said, with an absolute tone of voice.

‘Sounds like a plan to me,’ said Rajan. He got up, leaned over Anika and kissed her. Then he kissed Wolfgang, cupping his cheek tenderly. ‘Good to hear you sounding more relaxed about this. I’m going to start on dinner.’

He walked over to the kitchen area and Kala got up and sat next to Wolfgang. She smiled at Anika and took her waving hand in hers. She rested her head on Wolfgang’s shoulder and he turned his head to drop a kiss into her hair. He breathed in the warm, familiar scent of her.

‘Do you think we’re doing the right thing?’ he asked her.

She looked up at him. ‘If he’s been through so much, losing people like that, it probably does make him closed off the way he is. That’s probably all it is. And just because Will’s his cluster father, it doesn’t mean we have to be involved with him.’ She sighed. ‘I know Will wanted us to be like one happy family but sometimes that just doesn’t work.’

‘Tell me about it,’ grumbled Wolfgang.

She smiled up at him and kissed him. ‘It’ll be all right. We’ll just stick to _our_ family.’ She stroked her daughter’s head. ‘The four of us and our cluster.’

He nodded, slipping his arm around her and holding he and Anika close.

Elin was going home. They’d done well and collected lots of research but, at last, the funding had come to an end and they were packing up and going home. Alois watched her as she packed her things. She smiled at him. He was always there.

‘It’ll be strange to be back home again, after everything that’s happened,’ she said.

‘Will you tell your parents about us? About the cluster?’ Alois said.

She looked at him, trying to read him. His eyes had a hardness to them that she recognised. ‘What do you think?’ she asked.

He smiled and she felt relief flow through her. She’d given him the right answer.

‘I think we should keep it to ourselves. They won’t understand it, Elin.’

Elin nodded. ‘You’re right. We’ll keep it quiet.’ She bit her lip, hesitating about whether or not to ask him. She pushed past the little flicker of fear in her belly and asked. She had to know. ‘Are you still going to help me find my brother?’

‘Elin, why would you doubt me like that?’ he asked, smoothly.

Elin bit her lip, the fear flaring in her again. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to doubt you. Of course, you’ve said you will help, so you will.’

‘Of course I will.’ He kissed her. As much as she loved when he kissed her, she wanted to know how it felt in real life, face to face instead of just in their minds. ‘Maybe now I’ve got some time not working, I’ll be able to come and see you in Paris.’

He frowned. ‘Maybe. But I’m very busy helping Anwar, you know. I think we should wait until I’ve got a little more time on my hands.’

‘But, you’re always here visiting me.’

He frowned and she immediately regretted asking. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, quickly. ‘I didn’t mean to argue.’

He laughed lightly. ‘You make it sound like I’m going to jump down your throat for the slightest thing. I’m not really that bad, am I?’

‘Of course not!’ she said, horrified. ‘You’re always so good to me. I really am sorry.’

He reached out and stroked her cheek. ‘Don’t worry, Elin.’ He kissed her again. ‘I’m always going to be with you.’

She smiled as he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. She knew he wouldn’t ever leave her alone.


	91. Chapter 91

Niki knew she should be focusing on packing sensibly for her many weeks away from home. Or she should be thinking about getting mentally ready for the World Cup but her mind would not co-operate. Instead of what she should thinking about, her mind refused to focus on anything but Elin.

She kept feeling herself slip into Elin’s consciousness, only to be batted away immediately. It hurt, both mentally and emotionally to be pushed out like that. It had been happening for months, every time she tried to make contact. Rafael and Teddy were having the same trouble. Mari got through sometimes, and occasionally Tora, but Elin wouldn’t talk to them really, nothing beyond general chat. No, these days, Elin only talked to Alois or, occasionally Anwar. But Anwar and his boys were living in Alois's house with him and the Syrian was enmeshed in Alois’s life now, as much as Elin was.

Niki had this strange feeling of creeping dread when she made any contact with Alois. Not that she did often. She didn’t trust him and she was pretty sure he didn’t trust her either. It was strange, and difficult to reconcile, to feel like that about someone whose emotions you felt, who seemed like part of your soul. But it was like a rotten part, like a limb that was becoming overrun with an infection. To even think about the fact that she was connected to him made her feel sick with horror.

She’d tried to explain the feeling to Rafael, her strongest ally in her distrust of Alois, but she wasn’t quite sure he felt it to the same extent. His distrust of Alois came from the strong trust he had in Will, and from his connection with Wolfgang, and Teddy’s came from his faith in Rafael. None of them had the same visceral reaction she did and she wasn’t quite sure why.

‘You look like you’re brooding again,’ said Kiri.

Niki looked up at her girlfriend. ‘Do you think I’m right? About Alois.’

Kiri frowned. ‘I think your instincts are usually right. I mean, I haven’t met him so I can’t say for sure but if you think he’s keeping Elin from the rest of you, then that’s a pretty bad sign.’

‘I don’t know. I mean, maybe it’s just that Elin doesn’t want to see me. Maybe she dislikes me for some reason.’

Kiri reached out and touched her cheek tenderly. ‘How could anyone dislike you?’

Niki smiled, feeling warmth spread through her at Kiri’s soft words and soft touch. ‘I think you’re biased.’

‘No,’ said Kiri, leaning in to kiss her. ‘I just know who you are.’ She sat back on the bed and redid Niki’s attempt at folding one of her t-shirts. ‘Are you still planning to try to meet some of Will’s cluster?’

Niki nodded. ‘I think it might help, if they’ll meet me of course. And I’m hoping to be able to see Teddy and Mari in person too. I don’t know if it’s any different to meet members of your cluster in person but I want to find out.’

Kiri bit her lip. ‘What about Iceland? Have you decided?’

Niki sighed. ‘It’s not a long flight to London. I could easily go when I have a few days off, and I’d like to see Will face to face and make contact with Riley. But …’ She sighed. ‘Well, I’ve still not decided whether I should go to see Elin while I’m there. I mean, if she doesn’t want to see me, I’m not sure how turning up at her house would help.’

Kiri looked at her. ‘If it is Alois keeping her from you, then seeing her face to face could be exactly what you need to do. He won’t have as much power to intervene and you might be able to have an actual conversation with her.’

‘But I just don’t understand why he’d want to keep her from us. We’re all one cluster. We’re supposed to have this shared soul and it just doesn’t work with some of us missing.’

‘Maybe he doesn’t care about that, Nik. Maybe he just cares about having complete control and she’s the only one he can do that with.’

‘I don’t understand why anybody would be like that.’

Kiri smiled gently. ‘You wouldn’t, Nik. You’re too straightforward, and too decent.’

‘I just don’t understand him.’

Kiri put her arm around Niki and held her close. ‘I’m glad you don’t. The only people who understand people like that are the ones like them, or the ones who’ve been their victims.’

Niki rested her head against Kiri’s, her chestnut hair tickling her cheek. ‘I just wish I knew how to fix this.’

Kiri kissed her mouth. ‘I know. But we’ll do what we can. You and me.’

Wolfgang was woken by a soft kiss on his lips and the scent of melted butter tickling his nostrils. He smiled and knew it was Rajan before he even opened his eyes.

‘Time to wake up, my love,’ said Rajan. ‘It’s time for breakfast. Then you’ll have ten minutes for a shower before you’re on your own with our little tornedo.’

Wolfgang laughed, sitting up. Rajan had nicknamed Anika that the day before, when she’s gone from not being able to roll over, to rolling across the whole living room in about thirty seconds.

He made his way downstairs to find that Kala had just finished feeding Anika and was popping her in her highchair to sit with them as they ate breakfast. There was a pile of pancakes on the table. He kissed Kala good morning. She was mostly dressed for work, except she still had one of Wolfgang’s shirts on with her sensible skirt and high heels.

‘Ah, I see, so my stuff is all right to spill syrup on,’ he said, in a teasing tone.

She gave him a look but he could tell she wasn’t really cross. ‘I do not spill my food.’

Wolfgang grinned, then leaned over and kissed the top of Anika’s head. Her hair was coming in a lot thicker now and it was still a gorgeous rich brown. ‘No, but I know who does.’

‘Yes, and it’s her favourite thing to spit up on me when I’ve just got dressed.’

‘That’s right,’ said Wolfgang, sitting down. ‘Stain all my shirts if you like,’ he said, cheerily.

Kala laughed and sat down to eat. ‘Well, actually, I just grabbed it _from the floor_ after I got out of the shower.’

Wolfgang grinned as he spotted Rajan laughing at their bickering. He helped himself to a stack of the pancakes and covered them in a generous helping of syrup. No matter how carefully he tried to eat, his fingers always got sticky but he didn’t care. Rajan’s pancakes were worth it.

Kala shook her head. ‘I vote that _I_ teach Anika table manners when the time comes,’ she said, delicately slicing off a piece of one of her pancakes and popping it neatly into her mouth.

‘Maaa,’ agreed Anika, loudly.

Wolfgang grinned, resisting the urge to stroke Anika’s hair while he had sticky fingers. ‘That’s right, Mäuslein. Just agree with everything Mama says. That’s the safest thing to do.’

Kala pursed her lips to stop herself from laughing. ‘Right, now have you got everything you need? I defrosted what I think should be enough milk for her and it’s in its bags in the fridge. Don’t spill any when you put it in the bottle.’

‘I know. Use the funnel. That stuff is liquid gold, I know.’

‘If you run out, bring her to the lab.’ She grinned at Rajan. ‘I’m on good terms with the boss. He’ll let me feed her at work.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘I should hope so. I’ll be fine, don’t worry.’

‘Remember Oma said she’d be in if you need a break,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang nodded. ‘I remember.’ He grinned at his daughter. ‘We can’t wait, can we poppet?’

Anika banged her rattle on the tray of the highchair and giggled.

‘I know, you know what you’re doing,’ said Kala. ‘I’m just nervous. I haven’t been further away from her than the next floor yet.’

Wolfgang reached across and took Kala’s hand. ‘I know, Liebling. You’re bound to feel anxious.’

‘That’s right. I’ve read up on it,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Typical. But it’ll all be fine. And I don’t mind if you visit at any point to reassure yourself.’

Kala took a deep breath and nodded. ‘Yes. I know I’ll get used to it. But it is difficult.’

Wolfgang let go of her hand and Kala rolled her eyes when she realised he’d made it sticky with syrup.

‘Oops,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Sorry,’ he said, and went to get her a wet cloth to wipe her hand.

He had thought he would be nervous his first time taking care of his daughter completely on his own but, he had to admit, it felt like second nature now, to look after her. He felt in tune with her. He always knew what she needed and he felt that she trusted him. In an odd sort of way, staying at home to look after her felt like the most true-to-himself he’d ever done. She represented so much of his happiness, this life he’d created with the loves of his life, this life which wouldn’t even exist without him finding actual love and happiness first. It was a wonderous thing to him. _She_ was wonderous. His daughter. His family. What could be better?


	92. Chapter 92

Wolfgang and Anika had spent some time singing and playing together and Anika had done some excellent rolling around the room. Wolfgang stayed with her as his little tornedo sped across the floor; they would have to get to babyproofing a little sooner than they’d thought.

Then she stopped and did her concentrating face. He laughed. She was going to need changing. He was a pro at changing her now and he got it done in double quick time before she got restless at having to stay still.

She chewed her fist and wailed purposefully at him as he got her dressed again. ‘I know, Mäuslein. Time for lunch.’ He picked her up, settling her on his hip. ‘Of we go then. We’ll have a try with the bottles then, shall we? I hope you take it okay or we might have to visit Mama at work.’

She babbled in agreement as he went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. One-handed, he got a bag of defrosted milk out of the fridge, got the clean bottle and the funnel, and poured the milk into the bottle. He poured water from the kettle into a bowl and set the bottle in it for a few minutes, to take the chill off it.

Anika watched with intense interest at this unfamiliar process. Waiting until Kala wasn’t there to introduce a bottle had been Rajan’s idea. According to his extensive research, babies could smell their mother’s milk when she was close. Wolfgang had his doubt. If his daughter was as stubborn as he was, this might not go well.

He took the warmed bottle and sat down on the sofa. He settled Anika in a comfortable position then offered her the bottle. She turned her head away.

‘Come on, Ani. It’s just the same milk.’

She frowned at him and made a noise of objection. He dabbed a bit of the milk on his finger and put it to her mouth. She licked the milk off his finger happily enough but when he tried to offer her the bottle again but she objected loudly and turned her head away.

Sighing, Wolfgang put the bottle down on the side table. ‘What are we going to do, Mäuslein? You’ve got to eat.’

He thought for a moment, then dug his phone out of his pocket and found Oma’s number. She answered after only a moment.

‘Mäuschen, how are you doing first day with Ani?’

‘Hi, Oma. It’s good, except she won’t take her bottle.’

‘Being stubborn like her Vati, is she?’ Oma asked, sounding amused.

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Yeah. Have you got any ideas? I don’t want to disturb Kala at work.’

‘Try skin contact. That’s what’s she’s used to. Open your shirt and feed her against your chest. I’m sure she’ll take it then.’

‘Thanks, Oma. I’ll try it.’

‘Come round if you want to take her out later.’

‘I will, Oma.’

After he’d said goodbye, he undid his shirt and held Anika against his chest. This time when he offered the bottle, she took it and he let out a relieved sigh. She rested her little hand on his chest and suckled the milk down eagerly. He gazed at her, knowing he was completely in love. She was so like Kala in her features but he could also see himself in her. In a strange way, loving her made him love himself a bit more. He didn’t know how anyone could look at their child and hurt them.

He pushed that thought out of his mind. He didn’t even want to think about his childhood in relation to his daughter. _She_ was going to have a good life. She had three parents who loved her and a whole extended family who loved her. She was going to be fine.

Lito had been shooting his latest movie for nearly half of its twelve week shoot and every day, he left for the set before Hernando and Dani were up. Each morning, he drove the car out of the garage, opened the gates electronically and ignored the rose wound through the bars, a fresh one every day.

Sometimes it was still there when he got home. Other times, Hernando had got rid of it. If Dani got to it first, she put it in her room. She said there was no point in wasting it. Lito hated it to be in there and sometimes he would go in there and get rid of it. But it didn’t matter if he ignored it or took it inside or threw it in the garbage, a fresh one was always there every single day.

He didn’t know what to do about it. Hernando said, if it bothered him, he should go to the police. But it was just a flower? What would they do?

Wolfgang said he would be happy to break the nose of the person who was doing it but that didn’t help when Lito didn’t know who it was. One night, Dani had whispered the name that had occurred to him once or twice. _Joaquim._ But no, this was not his style. Besides, he knew he wasn’t getting Dani back, and he also knew what Lito, well what Wolfgang, would do to him if he bothered them again. So Lito couldn’t see him bothering with anything like this.

So he was at a loss to work out who it could be.

It wasn’t just that that was bothering him. It was also the prickling feeling he got at the back of his neck, so much that he was convinced he was being watched. But he kept that to himself difficult though that was when you were a sensate. He was pretty sure Wolfgang knew where his thoughts were, and Sun, but they were both busy with their lives. Wolfgang, of course, had his family to look after. And Sun, as well as all the business involved with running her bank, had been seeing lawyers so often that Will had gone to check she wasn’t in any trouble. She said she wasn’t and they believed her, though they could all feel some problem was bothering her.

It was lunchtime and Lito had finished shooting for the day because one of the lighting rigs had broken and it would take at least until the next day to fix it. So before driving home, where everybody was out for the day, Lito went to get lunch. He opted for a quesadilla in a park, because he didn’t feel like being cooped up.

He was sitting on a bench in the park, alone, eating it when he realised he wasn’t alone. It wasn’t the prickly back-of-the-neck feeling of being followed, but the warm comfort of one of his cluster with him. He turned his head and smiled as he saw Wolfgang. For a moment, he got a vision of him on his balcony, chilling out and watching the sunset.

‘Hello,’ Lito said, with a warm smile.

Wolfgang grinned back at him. ‘Hi.’

Lito looked around Wolfgang’s balcony. He was alone and, in the apartment, he could see Kala sitting on the sofa feeding the baby and Rajan in the kitchen cooking dinner. Wolfgang was sitting back in one of the loungers, his face turned up to the sun, looking particularly relaxed.

‘How did the first day with the baby go?’ Lito asked.

Wolfgang smiled and Lito felt a pulse of love from him. It felt like warmth. ‘Great. I think me and her are going to get on great. Well, I mean the housework isn’t much fun but I just wore her in the wrap while I did that and she was happy to watch.’ He looked back at Lito. ‘How are you? Still getting the roses?’

Lito nodded. ‘Every day. There’s no note, no threats. I do not know what to make of it.’

Wolfgang considered for a moment. ‘And someone’s following you, aren’t they? You can feel them.’

Lito nodded. ‘You don’t think it could be Alois, do you?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No. He’s here in Paris. Rafi keeps me informed about him.’

Lito looked sharply at him. ‘His cluster doesn’t trust him either?’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘Not all of them, but Rafi doesn’t like to talk about it. I can feel he’s worried though, but he doesn’t know what to do about it.’ He looked at Lito. ‘Is there anyone else who could be following you?’

Lito shook his head helplessly. ‘I cannot think of anyone. Why would anyone want to follow me?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Superfan maybe?’ He smiled. ‘You are a lot more famous these days.’

Lito smiled a little. ‘Maybe.’

‘Keep an eye on it. Keep aware. If the tone changes or anything else happens, tell me.’

Lito nodded. ‘I will.’

Wolfgang reached out and patted his shoulder. ‘Don’t worry. Anyone threatens you and I’ll beat the shit out of them.’ He was smiling as he said it but his voice was absolutely serious.

Lito couldn’t help smiling. Wolfgang was like a brother. He always had his back. As long as Wolfgang was around, he knew he would be safe. He’d kept him safe before and he would again.


	93. Chapter 93

For Rafael, there was a big difference between his life as a famous singer and his life at home with his family. The tour was over and he was back to his real life, back to worrying about his sister, helping his niece with her homework and trying to stop his Abuelita from worrying about all of them.

He hadn’t told any of them about the whole sensate thing or the cluster. How did you explain something like that? He wasn’t even sure he understood it himself yet. Though his Abuelita seemed to have guessed already that he was seeing somebody. She kept giving him little knowing glances.

He was in his music room. It was still quite early and he hadn’t had breakfast yet. But his mind wasn’t on food, or anything in his house or his world. He was with Teddy. He could feel him so strongly, it was like he was with him in person. His hands were soft and sure on his skin and his lips were hot against his neck as he trailed little kisses down his throat.

‘I miss you,’ Rafi murmured.

Teddy slid his leg over Rafael’s and tightened his embrace. ‘I’m right here.’

Rafael nuzzled against his silky braids. ‘It’s not the same as really being with you.’ He pulled back to caress Teddy’s cheek. He watched Teddy’s gorgeous smile spread across his face.

‘Come and visit me,’ he said.

Teddy went back to kissing his neck. ‘Some of us work shifts, Mr Superstar.’

Rafael laughed. ‘I’ll come and visit you again then. Though, you really should come here. Better weather anyway.’

‘I won’t argue with that,’ said Teddy, laughing. He looked at him and Rafael could feel a little spike of sadness in him. ‘I wish we didn’t have to be so far away.’

‘You should come and live with me,’ said Rafael, just wanting to take that little bubble of sadness away.

Teddy shook his head, stroking his cheek. ‘My family. My parents, my little brothers. They need me.’

‘Maybe I need you too.’

Teddy laughed, lightly. It was a sound that made Rafael’s entire body tingle. ‘You’ve got me, love.’

That word _love_ , so softly spoken in Teddy’s subtle mix of accents, went straight to his heart, making an indescribable feeling fill his chest. He knew how Teddy felt about him, he could feel it every moment. He hadn’t said it but he was certain Teddy knew how he felt too. It was one of those things they didn’t need to say. They could feel it in each other.

He smiled as he heard music in his head and he could feel the headphones clinging to Mari’s head, covering her ears. She always knew the right music for the moment. She seemed to know by instinct. 

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it  
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted  
I fell right through the cracks  
And now I'm trying to get back  
Before the cool done run out  
I'll be giving it my best-est  
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention  
I reckon it's again my turn  
To win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more  
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me  
Open up your plans and damn you're free  
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love  
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing  
We are just one big family  
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more  
It cannot wait I'm sure  
There's no need to complicate  
Our time is short  
This is our fate, I'm yours

For a moment, they were both with her. She was in her living room, listening to the music as she worked on her novel. At the same time, Tora was working on some sketches, both in her own studio and with Mari. She smiled as she also heard the music.

The four of them were linked in a way none of the others were. Their love echoed across the four of them, sometimes indistinguishable from each other’s feelings. But Rafael was learning that it didn’t matter who felt what. They were all one, a shared soul. Well, except for that one bad spot, that doubt and that mistrust.

He didn’t want to think about that right now. He just wanted to hear the music and feel Teddy’s closeness. He just wanted the warmth of his cluster around him and not have to think about that little spot of cold.

Teddy reached for him, cupping his jaw and pulling him into another kiss.

It was Wednesday night, the end of Wolfgang’s first week on his own with Anika. It had been good. Rajan had organised the cleaner to come in that morning and Anika seemed happy and secure with him. She’d fed well, slept well and she’d been working on her rolling. She’d now learned to turn herself over and roll the other way.

Now, she was down for the night and he felt he’d be ready to join her soon. He leaned against Kala, letting his eyes droop a little. Kala laughed lightly and kissed the top of his head. ‘Has she exhausted you, love?’ she asked.

He smiled up at her. ‘Yeah but she’s worth it.’

‘She’s slept so well this week. You must be doing something right.’

He grinned. ‘Oma told me to take her out for plenty of fresh air every day. I guess it works.’

She started playing with his hair and he allowed his eyes to close. Her long fingers and well-manicured nails felt amazing in his hair and he could almost fall asleep like this, even though he’d not had dinner yet. He could hear Rajan moving about in the kitchen, cooking.

‘So, you think you’ll be happy, staying at home?’ Kala asked.

Wolfgang opened his eyes and looked up at her. He smiled. ‘Yeah.’ He leaned up to kiss her. ‘I guess you’ve turned your criminal into a stay-at-home dad.’

She smiled, stroking his cheek tenderly. ‘I knew you’d be a wonderful parent.’

He laughed. ‘I’m not sure you always thought that.’

She put her arm around his shoulders and tugged him close. ‘I always had faith in your goodness.’

He looked up into her face. ‘I don’t know where I’d have been if you hadn’t.’

Kala just gave him one of her gentle smiles and kissed him tenderly.

Then Rajan was stepping up behind them and kissing them both. ‘Come on you two. Time for dinner.’ He grinned at Wolfgang. ‘If our lovely house-spouse can stay awake long enough to eat.’

Wolfgang laughed, getting up. ‘House-spouse? How did you come up with that?’

Rajan waved his hand. ‘I read it online. Cute, isn’t it?’

Wolfgang just exchanged grins with Kala as they made their way to the table and sat down for dinner. 

‘I think this room is my favourite,’ said Teddy, looking around the music room. ‘Do you write your songs in here?’

‘Some of them,’ said Rafael, smiling at Teddy’s interest. ‘I practise a lot in here. It’s got the best acoustics in the house.

‘I will visit one day,’ said Teddy. ‘If … if you think your family will like me.’

‘Why wouldn’t they?’

Teddy shrugged. ‘Don’t they … wouldn’t they mind that you’re seeing a man.’

Rafael laughed. ‘No. They’ve known I’m queer since I was a teenager. Though Abuelita doesn’t like using that word. When she was young, it was a bad word. She always says bisexual if she’s asked.’

‘I’ve never really thought about … what I am exactly. I just knew that I liked men and that … well I’ve always had this feeling that I shouldn’t, that it makes me … different.’

‘Different isn’t bad, mi amor. Your differences are what make you, you.’

Teddy gazed at him in wonder. ‘I wish I could see the world like you do. It’s like you fear nothing.’

‘That’s not true but … I don’t fear who I am.’

‘Who are you talking to, Papito?’

Teddy abruptly disappeared and Rafael turned to see his Abuelita looking at him, her brow furrowed in curiosity. ‘No one, Abuelita. Just myself.’

She narrowed her eyes for a moment. ‘You’re different since you came back from your tour.’

Rafael shrugged. ‘Still getting over it, I suppose. You now how tiring they are.’

‘Hmm,’ said Abuelita, in a doubtful tone. ‘Rosie’s asking for you. She wants some help with her homework.’

‘Tell her I’ll be there in a minute.’

Abuelita nodded. ‘I will. Poor love. She doesn’t understand why her mami won’t help, why she won’t even play.’

‘Elena’s going through a bad time. She’ll come out of it again.’

‘Yes, I know, but you try explaining that to a child,’ Abuelita said, irritated. ‘She just doesn’t understand.’

Rafael sighed. ‘I know. We’re grown up and even we don’t really understand it.’

Abuelita gazed sadly for a moment, then turned away and left him alone. Rafael looked around but Teddy had definitely gone, scared away by the presence of someone else, even though Abuelita couldn’t see him. Rafael smiled. He found Teddy’s shyness quite adorable really, just like everything else about him. He laughed at himself. He was definitely in love.


	94. Chapter 94

_Mami looks at him, her green eyes full of love and sadness. He wants to reach out and hold her, snuggle into her warmth. But she slips out of his grasp, always slipping away._

_Her features are clear, not faded by the years but unchanged, as she was then. Papi is there too, his soft brown eyes full of yearning. He can feel his sadness, washing over him and he would do anything to make him feel happy._

_He reaches for Papi, feeling his strong hand in his for a moment, before he too slips away. They hold out their hands to him but neither of them can reach him. They are gone._

Rafael woke with a cry and, for a moment, he thought he could still see his parents there with them. But then the dream faded away properly and they were gone. He sat up in bed, pushing off the covers and getting up. Dressed in just his pyjamas bottoms, he left his room and made his way downstairs.

The house was quiet, as everybody was asleep. He walked silently down the two flights of stairs to the kitchen. He did have an elevator, which Rosie loved to go up and down in but he preferred the stairs. Besides, the elevator made too much noise to be used at night.

He went into the kitchen and got himself a drink of water. He was deliberately not calling out to any of his cluster. They didn’t need to hear about his dreams. It was fairly obvious what they were about. He missed his parents. Why wouldn’t he dream about them?

Though the fact was that he hadn’t really, not for some years now. They had become a distant memory, a sadness he buried deep in the back of his mind. They were gone and he didn’t like to dwell on it. What was the point in making himself unhappy? It’s not like thinking about them would help him work out what had happened to them.

Despite not calling out for anyone, he became aware that he wasn’t alone. He sat at the kitchen island with his drink and looked up, surprised to see Wolfgang sitting across from him. For a moment, he was visiting Wolfgang in Paris. It was daytime there and he was out in the park with his spouses. Kala held the baby on her lap and they were sitting on the grass on a blanket, Rajan chatting away happily. Rafael could see how relaxed the German was around his family.

‘Was it a bad dream?’ Wolfgang asked, and they were back in Rafael’s kitchen. ‘I get those. Not as much now as I used to.’

‘It wasn’t bad exactly just …’ He sighed. ‘Just sad.’

‘Want to talk about it?’

Rafael sighed again. ‘It was about my parents. They disappeared when I was fifteen. Went on a trip to Chicago and never came back.’

‘Chicago?’ Wolfgang asked, an edge to his voice. ‘Are you sure it was Chicago?’

Rafael frowned at him. ‘Yes. I don’t know why they went there but I’m positive that’s where they were. Why?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No reason. And you’ve never found out what happened to them?’

‘No. Nothing.’ He took another drink of his water. ‘It might have been easier if we’d known what had happened but … maybe not.’

Wolfgang considered him. ‘Sometimes it feels like it’s better not to know but … it isn’t. You need closure.’

Rafael looked back at him. Something about the way he talked sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Then he remembered the information Mari had found out about him. Beyond the crime stuff, there was information about his parents. His mother disappeared when he was young and his father was murdered when he was a teenager. It was never solved.

‘I guess you know something about it. With what happened to your parents.’

Wolfgang narrowed his eyes. ‘Have you been investigating me?’

Rafael felt his cheeks get a little warm. ‘Erm, Mari found out a few things about you.’

Wolfgang folded his arms across his chest. ‘And what do you think about what she found out?’

‘You’ve had a hard life. Maybe you’ve had to do things you regret now.’

‘I make it a point never to regret anything,’ said Wolfgang, as if it were a line he’d rehearsed. Then he sighed. ‘I’ve killed, to protect my family. My _chosen_ family. I’ve never hurt someone for the sake of it or for enjoyment. That’s not who I am.’

He turned his head and they were back in the park and he was smiling at his daughter. She beamed at him, reaching out for him and shrieking happily. He reached for her and lifted her into his arms.

‘Is that why your cluster don’t trust me?’

Rafael hesitated, not sure how to answer that.

Wolfgang smiled. ‘It’s all right. My past gives you a lot of reasons not to trust me.’

‘Will trusts you.’

‘He does but he has good reasons to trust me. He knows what’s in my head. Your cluster doesn’t.’

Rafael looked into those clear blue eyes. ‘I trust you.’

Wolfgang’s eyebrows raised in surprise. ‘You do? Why?’

‘Because Will trusts you and … because I think … I feel you’re worthy of it.’

Wolfgang shrugged but a blush pinked his cheeks slightly. ‘Are you the only one who feels like that?’

‘Niki and Teddy agree with me. Mari and Tora aren’t really sure. Anwar doesn’t like to think bad of anyone but … he trusts Alois and he definitely doesn’t trust you.’

‘Tell me something I don’t know.’ He frowned. ‘What about Elin? What does she think?’

Rafael sighed. ‘She’s … I’m not sure I’ve got a handle on her yet.’

‘Can’t you feel what she feels?’

He shook his head. ‘She won’t connect with us properly. All she’s interested in is Alois.’ He sagged on the stool. ‘I think there’s something wrong there but we don’t know what to do about it.’

‘Will’s been worried about her and Alois for a while. They won’t talk to him either.’

‘Niki keeps trying. Every day she tries. Has this sort of thing happened before? With other clusters?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I might be able to find out. I can ask about your parents too, if you like?’

‘Ask who?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘We have connections and we can find out things. You will be able to too, when you meet more of us.’

‘How many more clusters are there?’

‘Thousands,’ said Wolfgang. He reached out and touched Rafael on the hand. ‘I’ll see what I can find out. Maybe you’ll get some closure after all.’ 

Then he was gone and Rafael was left alone in his kitchen. But he felt better for his talk with Wolfgang, like he had made some progress in the mess of things that was going on.


	95. Chapter 95

Will was enjoying his morning cup of coffee with Riley on their balcony. It was late morning but neither of them were quite awake yet. They’d had a late night the previous evening, as Riley had had a gig and Will had done security for her, as he often did. The rest of the cluster had joined in a lot of the dancing and he felt it had energised them all.

He glanced at Riley and smiled. She wasn’t looking at him. Her eyes were closed and her face was turned up into the bright September sun. He could feel how relaxed she was. Dj-ing always made her feel like that. The euphoria of the dancing and the music stayed with her for days.

He took a sip of his coffee, the cup cutting off his vision for a moment. When he lowered the cup, he was surprised to see Wolfgang leaning on the rail, looking out at the scenery outside their house. Will watched him, but Wolfgang didn’t turn round, just kept looking. Riley looked up and shot a curious glance at Will. He shrugged.

Wolfgang turned around and looked at Riley. ‘I need you to ask Mr Hoy something.’

Will raised an eyebrow. They had all had eye contact with Mr Hoy now but he still trusted Riley more than any of them.

‘What’s going on?’ Will asked.

Wolfgang sighed, leaning back against the rail. ‘I’ve been talking to Rafael. He and Niki are worried about Elin because she won’t talk to anyone, won’t let them visit. She only talks to Alois.’ 

‘She won’t talk to us either,’ said Will. ‘We know she’s coming home now. We’re hoping we can go and visit her and get her to talk to us.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘I told Rafael I’ll try to find out if something like this has happened before, with other clusters.’

‘I’ll ask Mr Hoy,’ said Riley. She kept her gaze on Wolfgang, curiosity in her eyes. ‘There’s something else, isn’t there?’

Wolfgang sighed and looked away. Then he sat down on the third chair on the balcony, in between the two of them.

‘He told me his parents disappeared thirteen years ago.’ He looked at Will. ‘They went to Chicago and never came back.’

Will stared at him. ‘Chicago? You sure?’

Wolfgang nodded, his face grave.

‘You think … you think they could’ve been sensates?’

‘How many of us do we know about who’ve disappeared in Chicago?’

Will’s heart sank. ‘Yet more victims of Whispers.’

Wolfgang’s jaw tensed at the name. ‘At a guess,’ he said. ‘But we need to find out for sure.’

‘I’ll ask Mr Hoy about them as well.’ She looked at Will. ‘It’s going to be hard for them to find out what certain sensates have done to each other.’

‘They had to find out sometime,’ said Wolfgang, bluntly.

He looked away suddenly. ‘I’ve got to go.’ He smiled. ‘My daughter wants me.’ He brushed both their hands for a moment, then he was gone.

Will looked at Riley. ‘Rafi’s going to upset when he finds out.’

Riley looked away. ‘At least he’ll have some closure. At least he’ll know why they’re gone.’

Wolfgang picked Anika up from where she was wailing on her playmat and joggled her. ‘Was ist los, Mäuslein?’ he asked her.

She stopped crying and listened intently to his voice, like she was learning his words. Maybe she was. He smiled at her and traced his finger across her soft cheek. She seemed to get more and more grown up every day. And she knew him. She took comfort in his presence. He made her laugh. He was able to catch her interest. He was able to soothe her to sleep.

‘Das ist besser, Mäuslein. Alles gut jetzt, ja?’

She rested her head against his chest and yawned. ‘You can’t need another nap,’ he said, incredulously. But she yawned again, as if to prove him wrong. He laughed. ‘All right. Looks like another nap it is.’ Her eyes were already beginning to droop. Maybe she was having a growth spurt. She was eating more too.

He crossed to the cot they kept in the living room that she always napped in and placed her inside. Immediately, she started wailing furiously. He lifted her out again.

‘All right. No cot then.’ He sat down on the sofa with her against his chest. Sometimes she got like this and absolutely refused to sleep unless it was on one of her parents. Wolfgang didn’t mind. He liked to keep her close anyway.

She settled against his chest, wriggling a little to settle in. He grabbed the blanket from the sofa and pulled it over his lap, covering his daughter up to her shoulders. She closed her eyes and, very soon, she had dropped off.

As he sat there with his daughter snuggled against him, his thoughts turned to Rafael. He was beginning to understand him quite well, the sadness he kept hidden beneath his brightness, how he’d had to grow up so quickly. He hadn’t been alone but the losses he’d experienced had made him feel like that sometimes. He’d been poor, and the afternoons he’d spent helping his Abuelita cleaning rich people’s houses to try to earn enough to keep them going, had made him feel that all the more acutely.

Wolfgang understood his background. He’d shared some of it himself. Growing up poor but seeing other people’s riches up close, riches they didn’t use to help others. Sergei had been rich but Wolfgang had grown up in squalor, with his father pissing away what little they had. He’d experienced loss, the pain of having someone you loved ripped away from you because of someone else.

He sighed, looking down at his daughter, fast asleep against his chest. He stroked her head. Her hair was getting thick and silky now, dark brown and curly like Kala’s.

‘I’m never going to let that happen to you, Mäuslein. You’re always going to have what you need. You’re always going to be loved.’ 

‘Are you all right?’ Kala asked, visiting from work.

He nodded, leaning into her and kissing her cheek. ‘Ja. Just thinking about the past.’

She considered him and he could feel her probing his feelings. ‘You’re feeling sad.’

‘A little. Sad for what could have been.’

She seemed to understand. She kissed him, then leaned down to kiss her daughter’s head. Anika murmured contentedly in her sleep, almost as if she could feel the kiss, even though Kala wasn’t really there.

‘Do you want me to come home early today?’ Kala asked.

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No, I’m fine. I might go and see Oma.’ He smiled. ‘Though if you _want_ to come home early, don’t let me stop you.’

She laughed lightly, kissed him again and then she was gone. Wolfgang bent his head and kissed Anika too, very carefully. In these five months, he’d definitely learned that the last thing you wanted to do was wake a sleeping baby. 


	96. Chapter 96

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: brief, non-graphic mention of a past suicide.

‘Tío Rafi!’ called Rosie, running at him in delight as she did every morning. He grinned, catching his niece up and swinging her round into a hug.

‘Buenos días, nena. Are you ready for school?’

‘Nearly, Tío. Come have breakfast with us,’ Rosie said, as she slid back down to the floor. She grabbed his hand and hugged on it. ‘Come on.’

He laughed. ‘All right, I’m coming.’ Really, he wanted to go back to bed but he had a TV spot that lunchtime, another round of promotion for his latest album and he had to be there in a little more than an hour, for makeup and prep. He was due to perform the single and he had to make sure the back up track was right. He always enjoyed the performances and he didn’t really mind the chat to the hosts beforehand, but he would have preferred to face it with a little more sleep. He’d had more dreams.

Elena was at the breakfast table, nibbling listlessly at some toast. She was on one of her downward spirals and he wanted to help but he didn’t know how. And he only had so much energy to help other people. With everything that was going on with the cluster and keeping an eye on his niece as well, he didn’t have a lot of energy to spare. And Elena had always been stubborn about accepting help. Except money.

She glanced at him and gave him half a smile. ‘You look worse than I feel,’ she said.

Rosie sat down with a bump and clattered her cutlery on her plate as she picked it up.

Elena winced. ‘Can you just try to be a bit quiet,’ she snapped.

Rosie deflated. ‘Sorry, Mami,’ she mumbled.

Elena sighed. ‘I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to snap. I’ve just got a headache.’

‘Is that better, Mami?’ Rosie asked, whispering.

Elena smiled affectionately, then reached out and stroked her daughter’s cheek. ‘That’s a lot better, cariño.’

‘What lessons have you got today, nena?’

‘Art and music today!’ said Rosie, forgetting to whisper in her excitement. But then she remembered and lowered her voice again. ‘And we’re starting a new class project, I think.’

‘That’ll be lots of fun.’

‘Can you pick me up today?’

Rafael shook his head. ‘Not today, I have to go on TV this afternoon. I’ll come and get you tomorrow, all right? If your mami says it’s okay, we could go for ice cream.’

Rosie bounced in her chair. ‘Can we, mami?’

Elena smiled. ‘Sure, baby.’ She glanced at Rafael. ‘If Tío Rafi is a bit more awake tomorrow. Are you sure you’re all right, Raf?’

He shrugged. ‘Didn’t sleep that well.’

‘Then you need a good breakfast,’ said Abuelita, walking through from the kitchen with a fresh batch of toast and poached eggs.

Rafael smiled. ‘I can’t eat too much. I’ve got a performance at lunchtime.’

Abuelita looked sharply at him. ‘Elena’s right. You look awful.’

Rafael rubbed a hand over his face. ‘I’m glad I can count on my family to give me confidence before a performance.’

Abuelita felt his forehead with her palm. ‘You don’t have a temperature.’

‘I’m fine. Just kept waking up.’

Abuelita narrowed her eyes at him, then turned to Rosie. ‘You need to be getting ready for school. Finish your breakfast, then you can run off and clean your teeth and get your things.’

Rosie took her last few bites of her breakfast, then obediently ran off upstairs to sort herself out for her day. Abuelita turned her attention back to Rafael.

‘What’s going on, Rafael? Are you having bad dreams again?’

Rafael cleared his throat and focused on his breakfast. Why did she always have to be so on the ball. ‘It’s fine. Everybody gets bad dreams sometimes.’

Abuelita put her hand on his arm. ‘Papito, you’re not … you haven’t started seeing them again, have you?’

Elena looked up sharply. ‘Mami and Papi,’ she whispered.

Rafael’s cheeks started to feel a little warm and his heart began to race. He really did not want to have this conversation. He pulled away. ‘I think I’ll head off to the studio,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to be late. The traffic’s always awful on a Monday,’ he said, before turning and making a swift exit. He felt both their gazes on him as he left.

As he made his way out to his garage after getting his stuff together, he felt Teddy with him. His hand slipped through his and held it securely. Rafael was still surprised by how real his touch felt.

‘Are you all right?’ he asked, his voice so gentle and full of tenderness.

Rafael squeezed his hand. ‘I’m all right. It’s just all a bit weird, isn’t it?’

Teddy nodded. ‘Are your dreams about your parents?’ he asked.

Rafael cleared his throat. He didn’t want to talk about it but somehow he couldn't resist Teddy’s gentle questioning. ‘Yeah. I just see them but I can’t get to them.’

‘What … what did your grandmother mean? About you seeing them again.’

Rafael leaned against his car and sighed. ‘I … when they disappeared, I used to see them. Like … like ghosts. I still can’t explain it. I guess it was just grief or something but it felt so … so real.’ He glanced at Teddy. His warm brown eyes were just watching him as he listened without judgement. ‘They were as real as you are now.’ He sighed, pulling back to open the car door. ‘I guess Elena and Abuelita just don’t want me going crazy again.’

He slid into the driver’s seat and shut the door. Teddy was in the passenger seat suddenly, keeping with him. ‘My Abuelo went crazy, you know.’ He glanced at Teddy. ‘I shouldn’t say that. He … he had PTSD.’

He was surprised to hear himself talk so openly with Teddy but he couldn’t seem to help it. Teddy just listened without judgement, like he knew it all already.

‘He served in Iraq and he never recovered. He used to see things, have flashbacks all the time. He couldn’t cope with it. I … have no reason to suffer like he did. I’ve had a lot of luck, you know.’

‘Rafi,’ Teddy murmured, quietly. ‘What happened to your Abuelo?’

Rafael sighed, resting his head against the headrest of the driver’s seat. ‘He shot himself when I was twelve. I found him.’ He closed his eyes, trying not to see the memory that flashed up in his head far too often.

Teddy’s fingers smoothed through his hair, his touch soft and gentle. ‘Raf, you’re allowed to feel hurt too. You’ve had trauma in your life and that’s hurt you. You don’t always have to be strong for everyone else. Let someone be strong for you, love.’

Rafael didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. He just turned his head into Teddy and buried his face in his warm shoulder.


	97. Chapter 97

Wolfgang surprised himself by quite enjoying the routine they were in. His life was steady and predictable and he still found that somewhat of a novelty. Mondays, he and Anika stayed at home together, because she was tired from whatever family activity they’d done at the weekend. They’d play and he’d read her stories and sing songs. He was grateful for the cleaner Rajan had organised as Anika mostly refused to sleep anywhere but his chest lately.

Tuesdays, he took her to Music Bugs, where he was vastly outnumbered by women, many of whom liked to fuss over him. He quite enjoyed the fuss and Anika did too. He particularly enjoyed when Kala visited, frowning and grumbling at the amount of attention he was getting. It was strange. She was never jealous about him and Rajan or when he was with any of the cluster but bring a strange woman into it and he felt a flare of jealousy and possessiveness from her. He liked to tease about it but only because he knew he wasn’t going to run off with anyone.

Wednesdays, they often went to see Oma in the afternoon. Sometimes they just stayed in at her flat, sometimes Felix came over and sometimes they all went to the park for the walk and the fresh air. Wolfgang hoped they could keep up this routine as Anika got older. He could imagine her playing on the swings and the slide, running around having fun with the other kids while he just watched and enjoyed the sight of his daughter having a normal childhood.

Thursdays, he still went to his therapy session in the morning, while Kala looked after the baby. It was her one-on-one time with her, including when Wolfgang had a nap or went for a swim after his session. Then Friday through to Sunday it was just the four of them, three full days of family time. Wolfgang couldn’t be happier.

It was Wednesday and Anika had had him run ragged all morning. She’d figured out that her skill at rolling meant she could get around the room with ease and get into all sorts of trouble. He’d had to stay with her as she careened across the living room at remarkable speed, a frown of concentration on her face that reminded him of himself. She was determined and no one was going to stop her. Well, she must get that from him _and_ Kala.

‘She’s like both of you,’ said Will.

Wolfgang glanced up at him and smiled. ‘I know. I guess I’ve got my hands full.’ He picked her up from where she was about to roll under the coffee table. She squeaked grumpily at him. He grinned at her. ‘Come on, Ani, it’s time for lunch.’ He carried her over to the fridge to sort her bottle out. At the sight of the milk, she stopped her complaining and started stretching her arm out for the milk. He grinned, keeping her out of the way of the bottle as he warmed it for her.

He was aware Will was still with him as he sat down on the sofa with her, undid his shirt and fed her snuggled against his chest. He glanced up at him. Will had a rather wistful look on his face.

‘All right?’ Wolfgang asked.

Will nodded, sitting down on the armchair opposite him. ‘Yeah, I’m fine.’ His voice sounded despondent.

Wolfgang raised an eyebrow. ‘You don’t sound all right.’

He sighed. ‘Just … a lot going on.’

Wolfgang felt a stab of guilt. He hadn’t even thought of what Will must be feeling with everything that was going on. He’d been too busy trying not to think about it all himself. ‘You heard from Mr Hoy yet?’

Will shook his head. ‘Riley’s asked him and I guess he’s asking round. Have you thought about asking your Opa’s cluster?’

‘Oh, no actually I haven’t.’ He smiled down at his daughter. ‘Been a bit too involved with looking after my little tornedo.’

‘She’s growing up so quick, on the move and everything.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘We’ve promised to take her to Mumbai soon. That’ll be fun, when all she wants to do is move.’

‘You’ll handle it the three of you.’

Wolfgang looked at him. ‘You never know, you and Riley might have one someday.’

Will shrugged and looked away. Anika finished her feed and Wolfgang sat her up to wind her. He watched his clustermate as he did so, trying to read him. Will’s feeling were a mix and Wolfgang could feel an aching inside him.

‘What’s wrong, Will?’ he asked.

Will looked at him. ‘You know when … when you can feel the whole cluster all at once and at times it can be overwhelming.’

Wolfgang nodded, smiling. ‘Yeah, it can. Less overwhelming these days.’

‘Well, I can feel the emotions of fifteen other people all at once. It’s … it’s a lot.’

‘And if I know you, you’re worrying about all of us all at once.’

Will gave him a small smile. ‘Yeah. I’m not sure which cluster’s more trouble, to be honest.’

‘I know I’ve caused you my fair share of trouble.’

‘You’ve saved my life plenty of times as well.’ He sighed heavily. ‘I just don’t understand what’s going on and why they won’t let me … If we’d been able to talk to Angelica the way they can talk to me, things would’ve been so much easier, wouldn’t they?’

Wolfgang nodded. He did up his shirt and sat Anika against his chest. She looked straight ahead, at where Will was sitting.

‘If Alois doesn’t want you to be a father to him, there isn’t much to be done.’

‘I’m not sure I can have the same attitude to it you can.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘You can’t change what people think of you.’ He watched his daughter, curious about how fixed her attention was on Will’s chair, like she could see him.

‘Elin’s on her way home,’ said Will. ‘From her expedition. I’m going to go and see her, when she’s home. Maybe she’ll talk to me then.’

Wolfgang looked up at him. ‘Rafael says Niki is really worried about her. That she won’t talk to any of them except Alois. It does sound … odd.’

Will looked at his hands, clasped in front of him. ‘I just don’t understand him at all. It’s like … it’s like he doesn’t want to be a cluster, like he doesn’t want to be sensate.’ He ran his hand through his hair. ‘I just don’t understand it.’

‘He either wants it or he doesn’t. You can’t do anything about it either way.’

‘So what am I supposed to do?’

‘Like you said, talk to Elin, but don’t drive yourself mad over Alois. He can only make his own choices.’

Will sighed deeply. He got up and came to sit next to Wolfgang. Anika followed his movements with interest. Will didn’t say anything, just leaned against him. Wolfgang put his arm around him and hugged him tight.

Anika reached out for Will and patted at his face. Wolfgang grinned. ‘Did you see that?’

Will looked at him. ‘What?’

Wolfgang smiled indulgently at his daughter. ‘She can see you.’

Will sat up and Anika’s gaze followed him. ‘Hello, sweetie,’ he said and Anika gave him a gummy grin.

‘Can you see your Uncle Will?’

She gurgled happily, waving her chubby little arms and, finally, Will smiled properly.


	98. Chapter 98

‘Ah, da ist mein kleiner Schatz!’ said Oma, opening her arms to receive her great-granddaughter.

Wolfgang took her out of the baby wrap and passed her over with a grin, then moved past Oma into her flat. ‘She’s had me run off my feet all morning, rolling everywhere.’ He chucked the wrap on an armchair in the corner.

‘She’ll be crawling before you know it. Mind you, you never crawled.’

‘I didn’t?’

‘You did a sort of bum shuffle for about a month, then got up and ran across the room like you couldn’t wait to get moving. Ten months old and your mama and I couldn’t keep up with you.’

Wolfgang smiled, sitting down on the sofa. ‘Then I hope she takes after Kala for that.’ He watched Oma cooing at Anika, talking to her in German and he was so grateful for her. She was his only link to the good parts of his childhood that he wanted to remember.

‘So, how are you, Mäuschen?’ Oma asked, once they’d watched Anika rolling around her baby-proofed living room floor for a while.

‘Gut, ja. I love staying at home with her.’

‘What about the nightmares? Are you still getting them?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Not really. Too tired, I guess.’

She narrowed her eyes at him, searching his face for a moment. Her expression relaxed and she smiled as she saw the honesty in his face. She patted his knee. ‘That’s good to hear, Schatz.’

Wolfgang gave her a smile. Oma, more than anybody, understood what he’d gone through and how it still haunted him. She’d shared more of the same experiences than he could bear to think about. Yet, she was so together. It gave him hope that he could keep a handle on things too.

Anika paused in her rolling expedition and looked back at them. She babbled at them, as though she was telling them something really important.

Wolfgang gave her a smile. ‘Ja, das ist wahr, Kleiner.’

She beamed at him, then carried on rolling purposefully across the room.

‘She’s such a treasure,’ said Oma.

Wolfgang looked back at her. ‘She’s Sensate, Oma.’

Oma’s face lit up. ‘She is? How do you know?’

‘This morning, she could see Will. Obviously, she’s an unborn sensate so it’s all vague instinct, I’m guessing. I don’t really know how it works.’ He watched Anika for a moment, then looked back at Oma. ‘Was there anything about me that was different when I was a kid?’

‘You used to talk to yourself when you were very little. But _he_ didn’t like it and you stopped when he got angry with you for it.’

Wolfgang looked away and there was silence for a moment. They tended to avoid the topic of his father and he never knew what to say when he was mentioned. ‘Did you think I could be Sensate back then?’

‘I did wonder but, well I didn’t understand it very well.’ She smiled. ‘Still don’t really.’ She took his hand and kissed it. Wolfgang smiled at her easy affection. ‘Well, with her being yours and Kala’s child biologically, she wasn’t going to be Sapien, was she?’ 

Wolfgang grinned, proudly. ‘No, she wasn’t.’ He hesitated. ‘I can feel her too, you know. Little snatches of her feelings. At first, I thought it was what all parents feel but I think it’s more like that. We’re connected already.’

Oma smiled. ‘Well, that’ll make the teenage years easier. She won’t be able to say you don’t understand her.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘She probably still will. Isn’t that what all teenagers do?’ His smile faded. ‘Well, most teenagers.’

She wrapped her arms around him and brought him in for a hug. ‘I wish I’d been able to get you out of there, Mäuschen. It’s the biggest regret of my life.’

Wolfgang pulled away. He didn’t like to think about it all. It was in the past now and that was that. Sometimes it felt like Oma was always trying to get him to talk about it. He talked in therapy and that was plenty.

‘I should head off. Raj and Kala will be home soon. I promise I’d make dinner.’ He got up and picked up the wrap and started tying it in place.

Oma smiled. ‘It’s so good to see you like this, Mäuschen. You’re such a good Vati.’

He sighed. ‘I’m doing my best.’ He smiled. ‘Actually, I’m surprised by how easy it’s coming. Like I’ve got actual parenting instincts somewhere in my head.’

She tutted. ‘Of course you have.’ She stood up, picking Anika up and cooing at her. ‘When you were little, your mama carried you everywhere, attentive to your every need. She gave you so much love and that stays with you, no matter what else happens.’ She hugged Anika, then looked into her eyes. ‘Her eyes really are so like yours. It’s like looking at you as a baby again.’

Wolfgang smiled, reaching for her and popping her safely in the wrap. ‘But the rest of her is all Kala.’

Oma stroked his cheek. ‘You’ve got a lot to pass on to her, Schatz. You’re an equal parent, remember.’

He frowned at her, wondering what had made her say that. Sometimes it was like she could see right inside him. He smiled. ‘I know, Oma.’

He turned to leave, then stopped. ‘Oh, before I forget. Rajan says come for dinner on Sunday. I’ve been told to ask Felix as well.’ He waved his hand. ‘There’s some new roast recipe he wants to try, something to do with the seasoning or something, don’t ask me.’

Oma laughed. ‘Sounds good. I’ll be there. I’m sure Rajan will share his recipe a bit more eloquently than that.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘He’ll talk your ear off about it.’ He kissed her cheek. ‘See you Sunday.’

‘See you, Mäuschen.’ She tickled Anika’s chin. ‘And you, Kleiner.’

Kala and Rajan arrived home together to the delicious scent of an Italian tomato and vegetable sauce wafting through the apartment. Before they even had the chance to take their coats off, Wolfgang was there to greet them, with Anika balanced on his hip.

‘Good day?’ he asked them, kissing them both in turn before handing Anika over to Rajan so he could give her hugs and kisses. Kala smiled, feeling warm as always as the sight of Wolfgang looking, and feeling, so natural in this role. 

‘Busy,’ said Rajan. ‘More phone calls than I can count.’ He kissed the top of Anika’s head, breathing in her scent for a moment, before he passed her over to Kala. 

Kala sniffed her head too, feeling the warmth of love spread through her. She held her daughter against her chest, feeling like it was exactly where she belonged.

Kala breathed in the delicious scent of the dinner Wolfgang had prepared. ‘That smells wonderful. Just what I need after today.’ Anika snuggled into her, grasping at her blouse and giving her The Look. Kala smiled. ‘But first I’d better feed this monster.’

Rajan fetched them drinks and Wolfgang sat down with Kala, as she started to feed Anika.

‘How’s she been today?’

‘Fine. We went to see Oma and she slept all the way back.’

‘Did you ask Oma about Sunday?’ asked Rajan, coming over with a glass of wine for himself and Kala and a beer for Wolfgang. Kala had just started drinking again, just a little bit in the evenings.

‘Ja but I couldn’t remember what was new about your recipe so you’ll just have to explain it to her when she comes.’

‘What about Felix?’

‘I’ll text him later. He’ll come. He’s never turned down free food in his entire life.’ Wolfgang took a swig of his beer. ‘Will was here earlier.’

Kala glanced at him. ‘Is he all right?’

‘Well, he’s … struggling with the pressure of worrying about fifteen people all at once. But, he’s coping I suppose. The thing is, well, I’m pretty sure Anika’s a Sensate.’

Kala smiled. ‘I thought she might be. I can feel her, just snatches of emotion and instinct, but it’s there. A connection.’

Wolfgang nodded and she could feel his pride. She glanced at Rajan, who was frowning a little. Wolfgang noticed too, putting down his beer so he could hold Rajan’s hand. ‘What is it, Raj?’

Rajan shook his head. ‘Nothing really. I’m pleased she’s Sensate. It’s a wonderful thing.’

Kala frowned. ‘You’re not … feeling left out, are you?’

Rajan smiled. ‘No, my love. Just … well, I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about what could happen to both of you because of who you are and now I’ve got to worry about that with Ani too.’ He sighed. ‘I would never want to change any of you, of course. I just wish … I wish the world were safer.’

Wolfgang didn’t say anything, just brought Rajan’s hand to his mouth to kiss it, before he tugged him into a tight hug. Kala exchanged a glance with Wolfgang and she knew they were both thinking the same thing. That Rajan was right and their daughter would experience danger and secrecy just like they had, just because of this unalterable thing about her. It wasn’t right but it was the world they lived in.


	99. Chapter 99

‘I don’t want you to go, Baba,’ said Basir, a slight whine to his voice.

Barak stomped his foot. ‘No, you shouldn’t leave.’

Anwar put a hand on each of their shoulders. ‘I’m not leaving you, boys. I’m just going to work.’

Basir grabbed onto his waist and held him tight. ‘What if you don’t come back. Like mama.’

Anwar knelt down in front of them. ‘I’m not going to leave you. But I have to go to work.’

‘Is everything all right?’ asked Alois.

Anwar stood up and looked at his friend, the man who had sorted all this out for him. He’d brought him to Paris, arranged their visas, got his medical license for France and was even letting him and his boys stay in his house with him. He’d been wonderful.

‘They’re just a bit nervous about me leaving.’

Alois put his arms around the boys’ shoulders. ‘They’ll be fine here with me. Hey boys, how about we order in pizza?’

Barak considered. ‘Maybe. How long will you be gone, Baba?’

‘I’ll be back at bedtime.’

Basir and Barak looked at each other, then back at him. ‘All right,’ said Basir. ‘You can go.’

Anwar smiled. ‘Thank you.’ He bent and gave them each a kiss. ‘Be good for Alois, won’t you?’

‘We will, Baba,’ said Barak.

Anwar looked at his clustermate. ‘Thank you. I owe you a favour.’

Alois smiled mildly and waved his hand. ‘Not at all. We’re family now, aren’t we?’ He gripped Barak and Basir’s shoulders firmly. ‘And family look after each other.’ 

Anwar smiled brightly, feeling a rush of warmth and affection for him. He had done so much to help him already and now he was looking after his boys. He didn’t know how he would ever repay him but then, Alois was right, they were like family. It was nice to have family again. It had just been the three of them for what felt like so long now. Yet at the same time, the grief he felt for his wife was still so raw and now there was other grief there too. Although they hadn’t known each other long, he missed Rasha and Norah and every day he worried about what had happened to them.

The fact that whatever had happened to them hadn’t also happened to Anwar and his boys was yet another thing he had Alois to thank for.

He said goodbye and left, trusting completely that his boys would be safe with Alois. They were family and family looked after each other.

‘How have you been doing this week, Wolfgang?’ Corrine asked, as he sat down on the sofa in her office for his weekly therapy session.

‘Fine. Yeah, no problems really,’ Wolfgang answered.

She nodded, smiling. ‘That’s good to hear. Have the nightmares stopped?’

‘Yeah. I guess I’m sleeping too deeply to remember any. Sometimes I wake up feeling sluggish but that’s probably just a fact of life being a parent, right?’

‘It can be. But, Wolfgang, I feel that you’re pushing something away.’

Wolfgang chuckled. ‘You sound like my Oma. She’s always trying to get me to talk about stuff. You’d think she’d get it.’

‘Get what?’

‘Well, that I talk here. That I don’t want to talk to my family about it so that’s why I come here.’

Corinne frowned. ‘It’s very wearing to keep something like this to yourself. The more open and honest you can be with your worries and little moments it comes back to you, the easier it will be.’

Wolfgang sat back, folding his arms tightly across his chest. ‘They don’t need to hear it. They didn’t go through it, so why should they have to hear about it.’

‘You’ve told me your Oma has gone through a lot of the same things you have, that he hurt her too.’

‘Yeah, so?’

‘So, if she is encouraging you to talk to her about it, then maybe you should. Talking about these shared painful experiences can be very healing.’

‘But I don’t want to bring it up all the time. I just want to forget it and move on. I’m not living in that situation anymore, am I? I’m not surrounded by it all the time. I can function and I’ve got my family to look after. Why would I want to revisit all of that?’

‘If you push it away, it will only come back, possibly with some of the symptoms you had before.’

He huffed impatiently. ‘So that’s it, is it? I’m never going to be rid of this. It’s going to follow me for the rest of me life.’

He felt her considering him and he had to focus to keep his temper in check.

‘The thing that’s difficult to accept,’ she said, carefully. ‘Is that something like this does change you. You can never be the person you would have been if had never happened. You have to accept that. But once you do, it’s easier. Tell me, are there times it’s in your head and you have to stop yourself from reacting?’

He shrugged. ‘Well, yeah. All the time.’

‘Well, what I want you to do when that happens is talk about it. Don’t just push the memory down.’

‘Nobody needs to hear that shit.’

‘Your family wants you to talk to them about it. You’ve already said your Oma is always trying to get you to talk.’

‘Well, yeah.’

‘Then do it. And with Rajan and Kala too, and your cluster. This isn’t something you need to hide from your loved ones, Wolfgang.’

He nodded, not responding but he knew she was right. He wasn’t convinced Rajan, Kala and the rest of the cluster needed to hear about it. But maybe it was okay to let it out around Oma. She had been through a lot of the same things.

‘How is the Alois situation?’ Corinne asked.

Wolfgang let out a long breath. ‘Not sure. If I’m honest, I’ve been trying not to think about him. I don’t want to meet him and I’m not planning on it, even though he lives here in Paris. Will tried to meet him but he wouldn’t talk to him. There’s something funny with him.’ He held up his hands. ‘But it’s not my problem and I don’t want anything to do with him.’

‘I can feel you're worried though.’

‘About Will mostly.’ He smiled slightly. ‘He doesn’t cope well when he has so many people to worry about. I’m not sure what I can to help though.’

‘And meeting Alois is more than you’re prepared to do to help Will?’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘I’d do anything to help. But I’m not sure that would. I think he should stay away from him too. He makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I don’t trust him.’

‘You haven’t met him,’ said Corinne, logically.

‘I saw him from a distance. That was enough. And from the way Rafael talks about him, he doesn’t trust him either. Though, I’m not sure if Raf realises he doesn’t trust him yet. I think he’s still in denial. Like Will. He wants everybody to get along.’

‘You have this feeling of danger from this man,’ said Corinne, curiously.

Wolfgang sighed. ‘It’s probably nothing. You know when you see someone, completely innocuous, on the street. They look completely normal and no one is looking twice at them. But it’s like they’re just screaming danger and you know you need to stay away from them.’

Corinne considered him for a moment. ‘People who have experienced abuse tend to be particularly in touch with their instincts for spotting danger. Something subtle about body language tells you that you need to stay away from this person. Most people struggle to listen to those instincts in our society but you’ve survived by listening to those instincts. You might have put yourself in potentially dangerous situations in the past, with the casual sex and drinking too much but your finely-honed instincts have kept you safe.’

‘So, you’re telling me my instincts are telling me he’s dangerous?’

‘Yes. They may not be correct. It may just be that something about him reminds you of your father, but there might be something in it.’

‘He’s not like my father.’ He frowned. ‘I’ve only got a vague sense of him but … he reminds me of someone else.’

‘Who, Wolfgang?’

But Wolfgang wouldn’t say. He rubbed the back of his head. ‘I need to go, I think. I don’t … want … I’ve had enough for today.’

Corinne nodded. ‘All right, Wolfgang. You know you can end the session at any time.’

He stood up, feeling his hand twitching and wishing he hadn’t given up smoking. ‘See you next week,’ he said, in what he hoped was an off-hand kind of way. He was pretty certain she wasn't convinced though.

He made a swift exit but he didn’t go home yet. He just wanted to walk for a while or, at least until he stopped shaking.


	100. Chapter 100

Alois watched Barak and Basir as they sat on the floor, glued to the Disney film he’d downloaded for them. He’d put it on in French, because they needed the practise before they started going to school. They had eaten their pizza and now they were both stuffing their faces with Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream and drinking Cola, happy as anything. He grinned. That was the way to get children to trust you. Give them whatever they wanted.

‘How is the ice cream, boys?’ he asked.

‘Really good,’ said Barak, with his mouth full, while Basir just nodded urgently.

‘When I was your age, I used to share everything with my imaginary friend,’ Alois said.

Barak looked round curiously. ‘What’s an imaginary friend?’

Alois smiled. ‘It’s a friend just for you, that nobody else can see. Have you got one?’

Barak shook his head. ‘No. I’ve got my brother.’

Basir nodded, not taking his attention off the movie.

‘You might share the same one. Or it might be somebody just one of you can see.’

The boys didn’t respond but Alois could see that they were listening. ‘But you know, a lot of the time, parents don’t understand about imaginary friends. Baba might get cross if you have one.’

That made Basir look round, with wide eyes. ‘I don’t want Baba to get cross.’

‘Well, if you ever see somebody nobody else can see, I want you to tell me and I’ll sort it out. Do you think you can do that?’

The twins looked at each other, then back at Alois and nodded together.

Alois gave them a smile. ‘Good boys.’

Barak held out his tumbler. ‘Can I have some more cola?’

Alois nodded. ‘Sure. I’ll get you both some more.’ He got up and went to get the boys the drinks. That was stage one done.

Kala felt a wave of anxiety the moment before the apartment door opened and Wolfgang came inside. She was sitting on the floor, playing with Anika so she lifted her up into her arms and stood with her.

‘Wolfgang, are you all right?’

He glanced briefly at her and nodded. She studied him. He was shaking a little and his eyes darted about but his breathing was steady enough.

She went to him, sliding her free arm around his waist and kissing him lightly on the lips.

Anika patted his cheek. ‘Ba Ba ya,’ she said.

Wolfgang smiled, turning his head to kiss her pudgy little hand. ‘Hi, Ani.’

‘Ah ah,’ said Anika, giving him a gummy grin.

Wolfgang took her into his arms and held her close for a cuddle, before he looked at Kala. ‘I’m okay. Just …’

‘A difficult session?’

He sighed, pulling away to go and sit on the sofa, taking Anika with him. Kala followed, sitting beside them.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Kala asked gently, though she knew he never did. He said talking about it at therapy was enough.

He looked at her. ‘I … I never talk, do I? I mean … do you think I should?’

‘You know I do.’

He frowned. ‘It’s … it’s not easy.’ He let his head fall back on the sofa, though he still held Anika securely on his lap. She wriggled, starting to climb clumsily between them. ‘You didn’t go through any of this stuff, so why should you have to hear about it?’

‘That doesn’t explain why you won’t talk to Oma about it.’

He glanced at her, then scowled. ‘Why should I have to keep revisiting it all the time? Shouldn’t it go away at some point? Shouldn’t I be able to not think about it by now?’

‘I don’t think it works like that.’

‘It’s been years and it’s still … it’s still there in my head.’

‘You’re a human being, not a video recorder. You can’t erase the bits you don’t like. Everything that happened in your past is part of you.’

‘That’s what Corinne says. It’s not like I don’t know that. I know it too well.’ He sat up straight and stroked his hand through Anika’s fine dark hair. ‘Sometimes I look at her and she’s so … innocent and … I feel like I’m not, like I’m the opposite of innocent, that I’m … bad and that’s it’s something I could infect her with.’

Kala frowned. She hadn’t heard Wolfgang talk like this before. It felt like she was getting close to hearing the fears that lingered inside him. She thought back to that day, so long ago now, in Sergei Bogdanow’s mansion, when he had shot his uncle to death in front of her and told her he was a monster. She’d known, even then, that it wasn’t something he had said just to warn her off. It was something he had really believed. And part of him still did. She didn’t know what to say and she wished Rajan was there. He always seemed to know how to reassure Wolfgang when he felt like this.

In the end, she could only say what she felt and hope that would be enough. She reached for him, cupping his cheek lightly and looking into his eyes. ‘You’re not your father and you’re not a monster.’

He turned his head away but she gripped firmly and brought his gaze back towards her. ‘I know you would _never_ hurt Anika and I trust you absolutely with her. Look at her, love.’

He looked at Anika and she beamed at him, batting her hand against his chest in a show of baby affection. He laughed and Kala smiled.

‘She adores you.’

Wolfgang cuddled Anika close, breathing in her scent. Kala slid her arm around Wolfgang and snuggled in close. ‘You don’t _have_ to talk to me, love, but you can. Anytime you need to.’

Wolfgang just nodded and didn’t speak again. Kala just held him, feeling like she had helped a little.

After a while, Wolfgang pulled away and popped Anika onto Kala’s lap. ‘I’m going to go for a swim.’ He kissed them both and stood up. He hesitated, looking back at Kala with a serious expression on his face.

‘I’ve decided something and maybe it’s irrational but I’m going to be firm about it. I need to be firm about it.’

She frowned. ‘What is it?’

‘I don’t want us to meet Alois, not ever.’

‘Oh.’

‘I’m happy to meet the others but not him, all right? Not him.’

‘If that’s what you want, if it would make you feel better.’

He nodded. ‘It would.’ He bit his lip. ‘I don’t know what to say to Will about it. He’ll be upset but … that can’t be helped. It’s something I feel I have to do to keep my family safe.’

‘I don’t really understand why but I’ll agree to it. You’ll need to find some way of explaining it to Will, though.’

He nodded. ‘I know.’

Then he turned and made his way up to the top floor to go for a long, relaxing swim. She hoped that after it, there would be less of that turmoil she could feel raging inside him. 


	101. Chapter 101

Another TV spot over, Rafael decided to park up his car and go for a walk in one of the city parks. The last few nights had been bad. He wouldn’t say his dreams were all nightmares but they were all strange and unsettling. All of them featured his parents. It wasn’t frightening to see them but it made him ache so. He missed them, more than he could say. But he didn’t understand why this was coming up now.

He walked alone through the park. There weren’t many people around, which he was glad about. He didn’t really want to get spotted when he was in this mood. It had got so he didn’t really want to go to sleep these past few nights. But he hadn’t been alone. Teddy was always with him, sleeping curled up beside him. Luckily, he was working nights so they could sleep together, despite their different time zones. Without him, Rafael knew he wouldn’t be sleeping at all.

Sometimes some of the others were with them too. They all seemed to feel it when one of them was suffering and they all wanted to help. Well, nearly all. Alois never came and neither did Elin. Sometimes, Rafael felt a shadow of her, like she wanted to come but something was stopping her. Sometimes Wolfgang came as well, and that helped. He understood his troubles, better than anyone else did. He could often feel Will with him too, like he was looking out for him all the time.

As he walked, he realised Teddy was with him. He was in his nurse’s uniform because he was at work. Rafael smiled at him.

‘You look hot in that.’

Teddy laughed. ‘I’ve got more flattering outfits.’

‘You’d look hot in anything.’

Teddy beamed and Rafael could feel a little burst of pleasure in his belly. ‘Charmer.’

Rafael gave into his urge and kissed Teddy, right there and then. He didn’t care who saw him kissing thin air. He just cared that he could really feel Teddy’s soft lips against his, feel the warmth of his body against his and the whisper of his breath on his cheek. It was all so real, though not quite as intense as when they were really together.

Teddy slipped his hand through Rafael’s and they continued on their walk through the quiet park. ‘It’s pretty here.’

‘There are a lot of beautiful places in L.A. Why do you think I want you to come here?’

Teddy laughed. ‘I don’t think the prettiness of the parks is the reason.’

Rafael grinned. ‘Well, no, I just want to be with my beautiful boyfriend all the time.’

A smile spread across his Teddy’s face, bright and beautiful. Then it was all the more beautiful for the shy way Teddy bit his lip through the smile. To Rafael it felt like his chest was expanding. The feelings he had were too big for his body and he knew he was falling head over heels for this man, this person who felt like a part of him. And he knew, he _felt_ , that Teddy loved him too, but he wasn’t ready yet to go that deep. He wasn’t ready to give his heart away, not after so long of keeping all his feeling wrapped up.

They walked, hand in hand, through the park. Rafael listened to the gentle sigh of the breeze and the whistling of the birds around them and felt at peace.

A movement caught his eye and he turned his head towards it. He stopped, coldness running through his body. He was looking at his mother.

Except, she wasn’t really there. She was faded, like a reflection in a deep pool. She smiled faintly at him but there was no life in her eyes. The cold took over his body and made him shiver. It felt like it came from her.

‘Rafi, what is it?’ Teddy asked, his soft Liverpudlian accent returning a little warmth to his body.

‘I … I can see my mami. Can you see her?’

Teddy shook his head. ‘No. We’re the only people here.’

‘But I …’ He felt breathless suddenly. ‘I can … see her.’ He forced himself to take a deep, slow breath. ‘Mami, is that really you?’

She didn’t speak. She just looked at him, that empty look making his chest ache. She blinked, too slowly and then just faded away, like she had never been there at all. He realised he was shaking and he clenched his hands tightly.

‘You okay, love?’ Teddy asked, softly.

‘Dios mío,’ murmured Rafael. ‘I think I just saw a ghost.’

‘Your mum. You think she’s dead then.’

Rafael held on tight to Teddy’s hand. ‘She has to be. Otherwise she’d come home.’

‘You look like you need to sit down, love,’ said Teddy. ‘Come on, there’s a bench over there.’

Rafael let Teddy lead him to the bench and he sat down, grateful for something solid beneath him.

Then Wolfgang was there, watching him warily. ‘You all right?’ he asked.

Rafael looked up at him. ‘I’m all right.’

Teddy looked around to see who he was talking to but, of course he couldn’t see Wolfgang.

‘It’s Wolfgang,’ said Rafael. 

‘You’re not on your own then’ Wolfgang asked.

Rafael nodded. ‘Teddy’s here with me.’

‘Good. You shouldn’t be on your own when you feel like this. What happened?’

‘I saw my mami. She wouldn’t speak to me. She just looked. Does that mean she’s dead?’

‘I don’t know. We have asked around. We should have some sort of answer for you soon. But I don’t know if it’ll help.’

‘I just want to know what happened.’

Wolfgang gave his shoulder a squeeze. ‘I know.’ He looked to his side. ‘Will, have you heard anything yet?’

As if answering a call, Will appeared. Teddy sat up straighter. He could see Will.

‘Not yet,’ said Will. He looked at Rafael with sadness in his eyes. Rafael knew he could feel his pain but he thought it looked like there was more to it than that. ‘I think we’ll have an answer for you soon.’ He glanced at Wolfgang, then back at Rafael and Teddy.

‘In the meantime, we wondered whether you might like to meet someone else from our cluster.’

‘Er, sure. Who?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Lito. He’s desperate to meet you. He thinks you’re hot.’

Rafael grinned, the sadness easing a little. ‘He thinks I’m hot, does he? Is he a fan?’

Teddy frowned. ‘Who thinks you’re hot?’

Rafael winked at him. ‘Everybody?’

His boyfriend huffed. ‘Well, everybody can get lost. You’re mine.’

Rafael laughed, light and love driving the sadness further away. ‘I’m happy to be all yours.’ He kissed Teddy’s cheek, enjoying the little smile that showed off Teddy’s dimples.

‘Lito’s taken too,’ said Will, pacifyingly, as Wolfgang smirked. ‘But you’ll probably enjoy looking at each other. Lito says there’s a café two blocks away he likes. He’ll get the drinks in.’

Rafael stood up, glad of the distraction from whatever that vision had been about. The sun was bright and warm. It wasn’t a day for ghosts. It was a day for making a new friend. ‘Tell him I’ll be there in ten minutes and I’ll have a passionfruit juice.’


	102. Chapter 102

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: slightly graphic mention of a witnessed suicide.

‘Oh my god, that’s Lito Rodriguez!’ Teddy said, squeezing Rafael’s arm tightly. ‘Raf! Lito Rodriguez!’ 

‘I can see that, Teds. Just calm down, will you?’ said Rafael, though he wasn’t exactly feeling calm himself. _Lito Rodriquez_. Will had never mentioned that. Well, he’d said he was an actor but not that he was one of the most famous gay actors there was right now.

Lito was sitting in a corner of the café, at a table for two, with a bright red mocktail in front of him and a passionfruit juice across the table. A few people in the café were glancing at him, though since it was L.A. most were trying not to stare. The staff didn’t look twice. Obviously, Lito was a regular here.

Rafael felt a few looks come his way, but he was used to that. He took a deep breath, then headed over to meet one of his heroes in the flesh.

Suddenly, Will was standing beside Lito, grinning with nervous excitement. Rafael smiled at him as he stepped up to Lito’s table.

‘Hey, I’m Rafael,’ he said, holding out his hand.

Lito stood up with a big grin and took Rafael’s hand in both of his. ‘Rafael Moreno! I cannot believe it is you! You’re my hero!’

Rafael’s eyes widened. ‘Me?! I’m _your_ hero? No, you’re mine! I mean, Lito Rodriguez!’

Will laughed. ‘You both sound starstruck.’

‘We are!’ said Lito and Rafael together.

Then they laughed and Rafael sat down. He took a drink and grinned as he looked around. It wasn’t just Will visiting to check their meeting. Wolfgang and Kala were also there with Lito and Will and, behind Rafael, he could feel Teddy, Niki, Mari and Tora.

He met Lito’s gaze. ‘Are all your cluster here too?’

Lito grinned back at him. ‘They’re all curious.’

‘So are mine.’ Rafael looked at him for a moment, then screwed up his courage. ‘I wanted to say … thank you. You’ve made a big difference to me, to my life.’

Lito looked curiously at him. ‘How so?’

Rafael felt himself blushing but he forged on regardless. He felt Teddy close by and his quiet presence gave him a little courage.

‘I watched your speech, from São Paulo pride parade. It was just before my first album came out and one of my friends sent me the link. I remember sitting there watching it and being so … inspired.’

He looked down at his drink and took a sip, before he looked back at Lito.

‘It was the moment I decided I wasn’t going to hide who I was. I’m known for being out since the very beginning of my career but that’s because of you, Lito. No one else.’

Lito had tears in his eyes and a smile on his face. ‘You don’t know how much that means to me.’

Rafael reached out, took his hand and squeezed it briefly. ‘I do, because people have said I’ve done the same for them.’ He took another drink. ‘Every queer person knows how important visibility is. Every one of us who is out will help somebody else, even if we never know it.’

Lito nodded and stayed silent for a moment. He dropped his gaze, deep in thought. Rafael realised that the others of the two clusters had left them alone, just to have some time to get to know each other.

After a little while, Lito looked back up again, having composed himself. ‘There is something I wanted to ask you.’

‘Oh?’

‘Have you ever been stalked?’

Rafael rose his eyebrows in surprise. ‘Once or twice. Occupational hazard.’ He gave Lito a small smile. ‘You think somebody is stalking you.’

Lito bit his lip. ‘It’s not like anything bad has happened. Just … sometimes I feel like someone is watching me, following me. Wolfgang felt it first, then I started to notice it too. And … for a while now, a couple of months I guess, someone’s been leaving roses at my house every morning. And there’s been a few phone calls. Like I said, it’s not like anything bad has happened.’

Rafael considered for a moment. ‘Most of the time things like this are harmless. Just somebody who admires you who doesn’t know what to do with those feelings. But sometimes, this is dangerous. You never know what’s going through someone else’s head. If I were you, I’d get some security.’

‘I’ve got my cluster.’

‘They can’t be with you all the time, and they can’t protect your family if you’re not there.’

‘I suppose so.’

‘So my advice is, get the professionals in.’ He took out his phone. ‘I’ll give you the number of the company I use. They’re very understated so they’ll not be noticed but they’ll do an excellent job of protecting you, your family and your house.’

Lito copied the number into his own phone. ‘Gracias, mi amigo.’ He looked to his side suddenly and frowned. ‘Oh, Riley. Yes.’ He looked back at Rafael. ‘We have an answer for you. Is there somewhere private we could go?’

Rafael felt a cold shiver run through him but he held it back and nodded. ‘Yeah. Let’s go back to my house.’

There was nobody home. Rafael was grateful for that. There would be no fuss. He took Lito into the living room. Once again, more of the cluster were there. Rafael could see Wolfgang, Kala and Will and he guessed that at least Riley was there too and maybe also Sun, Capheus and Nomi. He hoped one day he would get to met them all.

Teddy held Rafael’s hand as he sat on the sofa and he could feel Mari and Tora standing together nearby. Niki stood on her own and Rafael could feel a mix of emotions battering at her and he could feel the shadow of her girlfriend’s hand holding hers. They were on a plane, travelling from New Zealand all the way to London. But Niki wasn’t thinking about the flight or her upcoming games. She was entirely focused on this conversation.

Anwar was there too, feeling a little confused. ‘What is going on?’ he asked, but nobody had an answer for him. Predictably by now, neither Elin nor Alois were there.

‘I’m not sure how to start,’ said Will.

‘It’s bad, isn’t it?’ asked Rafael. Teddy held his hand tightly. ‘Just tell me.’

Will glanced around at his cluster, visibly drawing strength from them. ‘When we had our sensate birth, there was a man, one of our kind who used to hunt sensates. He was called Whispers, or The Cannibal, because he killed his own cluster.’

‘Whispers? What kind of a name is that?’ Mari said, bluntly.

Will gave her a gentle smile. ‘Our mother, Angelica, called him that. Because he’s like the voice you hear in your own head that whispers to you, the one that makes you want to hurt yourself, the whisper you hear that tells you to end it all.’

Rafael closed his eyes as the memory pulsed in him.

_The image of his Abuelo’s obliterated face, the sharp sulphur stink of the gunpower, the cloying taste of blood in the air._

He felt a hand on his arm, squeezing gently and he looked up, frowning in surprise when he saw that it was Alois. The other man didn’t say anything and Rafael didn’t know if he was visiting anyone else.

Will was carrying on. ‘I mentioned him to you before, Mari. His real name was Milton Bailey Brandt. He was carrying out these experiments, operating on sensates, trying to figure out a way that he could live forever in the minds of others.’

‘That’s sick,’ said Mari. ‘How could anyone do that?’

‘Some people don’t care about others, Mar,’ said Tora, gently. ‘There are people who can never see others as anything more than playthings, or tools for them to use.’

Mari just shook her head, unable to believe what she was hearing.

‘This is horrible,’ said Rafael. ‘But what’s this got to do with my parents?’

Will, tears in his eyes, looked at Lito and swallowed, as though he were trying to find the words. Lito took his hand and squeezed it and Wolfgang’s hand landed on shoulder. Rafael could feel that the rest of his cluster were comforting him too.

Lito carried on speaking. ‘Many people were lost to these experiments. Our mother’s first cluster, they all died because of Whispers. Many of us had to go into hiding from The Cannibal. They used blockers to keep themselves safe from him. But … so many more people couldn’t hide for long enough to escape.’

Rafael, dreading the answer, made himself ask. ‘And my parents?’

Lito dropped his gaze and Rafael could see the pain in his face, pain his whole cluster felt for Rafael. ‘Your parents were in the same cluster. We couldn’t find any other members of their cluster left alive. We did find someone of another cluster who was connected. I am so sorry, Rafi, but they confirmed it. Whispers killed your parents.’


	103. Chapter 103

To Rafael, it felt like he was a puppet and someone had just cut his strings. He sagged, no longer able to hold himself upright. The grief pressed tightly at his chest and he couldn’t breathe. He took no comfort from his cluster. He could only feel his own grief reverberating back at him. None of them could breathe. None of them could speak. None of them could think.

Then a strong, warm arm settled on his shoulders and the sweet, clean scent of Lito filled his nostrils. Lito didn’t say anything, just held him and Rafael could feel his compassion, the warmth of it overtaking his body.

After a moment, Rafael lifted his head and saw his cluster again. Their attention was on him. Teddy had tears in his eyes and was biting his lip. Mari was breathing hard but gripping her hand tightly was Tora. Anwar gave him a gentle, understanding smile. A deep frown was on Niki’s face and he could feel anger from her as well as the grief. For just a moment, Elin was there, tears on her cheeks and he could feel her choking back a sob, but then she was gone. Alois laid a hand on his shoulder and looked around at all their faces, as if studying them.

Will was still there, and Wolfgang and Kala. Will reached for his hand and Rafael felt his warmth and his love as he squeezed gently.

‘We’re so sorry,’ said Will. ‘He hurt so many people.’

Rafael looked at him. ‘What happened to this guy? Is he still around?’

Will shook his head. ‘We stopped him.’

‘I blew up the motherfucker,’ said Wolfgang.

‘I hope he suffered,’ said Rafael, bitterly. He felt Teddy’s surprise and he was somewhat surprised at himself but the grief was too strong. This man had ripped his parents away from him, away from Elena. He’d caused so much pain.

‘Not as much as he deserved,’ said Wolfgang. His voice was steady but Rafael felt the venom behind the words and he knew this Whispers had hurt Wolfgang too somehow.

‘What did he do to them?’

‘I don’t think you need …’ said Will.

‘I’ve spent ten years not knowing, Will. I need to know,’ said Rafael, firmly.

Lito squeezed his shoulders. ‘It’s a lot to take. There’s no rush.’

‘I want to know.’

He felt Teddy sit beside him again, taking his hand and holding against his chest. ‘He needs to know. Tell him.’

Will and Wolfgang exchanged glances, then Wolfgang sighed and sat down. Will and Kala flanked him, both supporting him.

‘We don’t have any details of your parents specifically, but we know what usually happened. Whispers performed these operations on them, lobotomising them so he could take over their minds and control them. He used their pain to find the rest of each cluster. He was working with an organisation called BPO, who used them as weapons but he had his reasons apart from that. BPO have reformed now but we keep our distance to protect ourselves.’ 

‘You said Whispers wanted to live forever.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘He nearly succeeded. A … a part of him is still alive in me, and in Will, because we both had contact with him, but he can’t do any harm anymore.’

‘So, you’re saying he operated on people to turn them into zombies or something.’

‘In a way,’ said Lito. ‘They no longer knew who they were or what was happening. They had nothing of themselves left.’

‘But that didn’t kill them. So, what happened to my parents?’

‘It’s possible they were one of the failures,’ said Will. ‘Or …’

‘Or what?’

‘Or they were killed when a friend of ours blew up the facility where they were being held. There was no way to restore anybody who had had that done to them.’

‘Maybe they could have survived. I … I’ve seen them,’ said Rafael, glancing at Teddy, then back at Will. ‘All my life since they disappeared, I’ve dreamed about them or … or seen them, like they’re shadows of themselves.’

‘It’s just a memory,’ said Will. ‘Like you said, a shadow of who they were, an echo they’ve left behind.’

‘How do you know?’ Rafael demanded.

‘Because the same thing happened to me. I knew a girl when I was a kid who was murdered by him. He … dissected her, said he could learn all her secrets that way. But, afterwards, I could still see her. I still do but she’s not a ghost. She’s a memory, an impression of the person she was. Sometimes she talks to me. Sometimes they can even help us. But they’re not alive.’

Rafael sat silently and absorbed that. His parents were gone. Dead. He’d thought that must be true for so long. They never would have stayed away from him and Elena all this time unless they had no other choice. But to have it confirmed, hurt more than he could have ever imagined.

‘I think I need to be alone for a while,’ he said, and stood. He looked at Lito. ‘Thank you for being here.’

Lito nodded. ‘I’ll go but … let your cluster comfort you. They understand. We all understand.’

Rafael nodded but didn’t speak. He showed Lito out, then went upstairs to his bedroom. His cluster kept with him but he didn’t want them to be there. He just wanted to be alone.

‘We just want to help,’ said Teddy.

‘I know,’ said Rafael. ‘But you can’t. I just need to be alone.’

Mari leaned into him. ‘If you need music …’

‘I’ll let you know.’ He lay down on his bed and closed his eyes. He felt the cluster hovering uncertainly near him but, one by one, they left him alone. Teddy was the last to go, with a kiss to his hand and a lingering touch on the back of his neck.

Rajan was sitting on the sofa reading his book. Anika was still fast asleep in her stroller after her walk. He’d not long been back with her and neither Wolfgang nor Kala had come in from the balcony to see him. Something was happening with the cluster and he could see they were both visiting.

He also saw the moment they stopped. They both seemed to sag and the next moment they were coming inside, gripping each other’s hands. Rajan put his book down. He knew when his lovers needed him.

‘Come here,’ he said, his voice firm but soft.

Wolfgang obeyed, almost instinctively, and Kala followed him. She looked more alert but clearly knew she needed comfort too. They sat either side of him on the sofa and he put his arms around them. Kala rested her head on his chest, while Wolfgang turned his head into his arm. Rajan knew he wanted to hide his face and feel his skin against his cheek.

Rajan held them both snugly against him, trailing his fingers through their hair and feeling them gradually relax against him.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he asked, after a little while.

Wolfgang shook his head, moving closer and pressing his face to Rajan’s neck. Rajan turned his head and kissed the soft skin his lips met. Kala raised her head, but still kept close contact.

‘We had to explain about Whispers to Rafael. He killed Raf’s parents.’ She glanced at Wolfgang, then reached across to hold him too. ‘It was hard.’

‘It sounds like it was. Well, don’t worry. It’s over now and we can stay here as long as we like.’ He laughed softly. ‘Well, until our little tornedo wakes up from her nap.’

That made Wolfgang relax a little and he stopped hiding his face. He resettled so his head just rested on Rajan’s arm.

‘I fucking hope an evil like Whispers only happens once,’ he said, startling Rajan with the venom in his voice.

Rajan hugged him. ‘Don’t worry, my love. People like that are so rare. Most people are pretty decent.’

Wolfgang looked at him and smiled sadly. He kissed him, cupping his jaw lightly. ‘Raj, you’re such an optimist. I wish you were right.’

Rajan didn’t reply to that. He knew Wolfgang had seen some shit in his life but surely he didn’t believe evil was so prevalent? Well, Rajan wouldn’t believe it. He knew there was more good in the world than bad, no matter what Wolfie said.


	104. Chapter 104

At some point, the blank ache of grief clutching at Rafael’s chest had given way to tears. It was then that Teddy came back to him. Neither of them spoke and Rafael wouldn’t have even known what to say if he could have made his voice work.

Teddy just lay down behind him, wrapped his arms around his waist and held him close. Rafael let himself sag back into his boyfriend’s arms, supported by his gentle strength. He felt Teddy’s soft mouth on him, dropping kisses in his hair, until at last Rafael had no more tears to cry.

He turned into Teddy, pressing his face against his chest and breathing him in. ‘I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to my family.’

Teddy looked at him. ‘Take your time with it. At the moment you only need to worry about yourself. Let yourself come to terms with then, then you’ll be able to help them.’

‘I knew they were dead,’ Rafael said, pulling away to look into Teddy’s face. ‘They had to be, after all this time. It’s just …’

‘Having it confirmed is hard.’

‘Yeah.’

Teddy bent his head to kiss him tenderly on the lips and Rafael felt warmth spread through him, the kind of warmth that came from the comfort of somebody you loved.

‘Thank you,’ he murmured.

Teddy found his hand and squeezed it. ‘I’ll always be here when you need me.’

Rafael looked into those warm brown eyes, so full of love and compassion. Teddy was shy but all his feelings showed in his eyes. Rafael was beginning to understand that about him.

‘I love you,’ he murmured.

Teddy gave him that shy smile he loved so much. ‘I love you too,’ he said, softly.

They looked at each other for a moment, then Rafael pulled away and sat up. Teddy sat too, watching him expectantly.

‘Niki,’ Rafael said, and then Niki was there, immediately answering his call like she had been waiting for it.

‘Are you feeling better?’ she asked. She reached out and placed her hand on his. ‘I’m so sorry about your parents.’

‘I’m okay,’ Rafael said, though he knew he wasn’t. The loss of his parents had left a scar on his heart he could never heal. ‘Are you still planning to go to Iceland to meet Elin?’

Niki nodded. ‘It might be the only way to help her.’

‘You do think she’s in danger then?’ asked Teddy.

‘I don’t know,’ said Niki. ‘But something’s not right.’

‘You’re right,’ said Mari, suddenly appearing, along with Tora. ‘I didn’t want to admit it before but I don’t think we can deny it anymore.’

‘We can’t,’ said Tora. ‘All Will’s cluster all talk to each other. Nobody ignores the others. Has anyone really seen Elin properly?’

‘Only once or twice at the beginning,’ said Niki. ‘I just don’t know if she just doesn’t want to visit us or if … something’s preventing her.’

‘Since we don’t know what’s going on, I don’t think you should go alone,’ said Rafael.

‘I thought about asking Will, and Riley I suppose, to go with me, since they’re in Iceland anyway.’

‘I trust them both completely,’ said Rafael. ‘But I think as many of us as possible should go to. Teddy, Mari, you’re closest. Do you think you could go?’

Mari and Teddy looked at each other and nodded. Mari smiled. ‘It would be good to meet face to face. I’m not that far from London. I can come and meet you and we can fly across together,’ she said to Niki.

‘What about Alois?’ said Teddy.

Everybody looked at him but nobody knew what to say. Rafael didn’t want to voice the worries he had about Alois. He’d felt his possessiveness about Elin. At times it almost seemed as though he was pushing the rest of them away from her. It could even be … no, he didn’t even want to think that.

Teddy took a deep breath. ‘I know we’re all thinking it,’ he said, his gentle voice low and serious. ‘What if it’s Alois keeping her away from us?’

The silence hung thickly in the room.

It was broken by a new voice. ‘I just don’t think he would do that,’ said Anwar. ‘He’s only ever been kind to me.’

‘It is possible that we are wrong,’ said Tora, evenly. ‘But we have to go with how we feel. If one of us is in danger, we have to respond to that.’ She looked at Rafael, then back at Anwar. ‘If you could keep Alois’s attention on you, it would give us a chance to talk properly to Elin. Then we’ll know what’s going on.’

‘That’s right,’ said Rafael. ‘It might not be anything to do with him. I really hope it isn’t. But we have to entertain the possibility.’

Anwar sighed. ‘I do not like it. But I worry for Elin too. I will do as you ask and distract him. Then we will know.’

Rafael reached out and took his hand. ‘Thank you, Anwar.’

He looked around his cluster. Six worried faces looked back at him and he realised they were all looking to him to be strong for them. He wasn’t sure he could do it but he would do his best and he knew that each one of them had his back too.

Wolfgang sat in an armchair, only half-present. The other half of him was with Rafael, worrying about him. Would the damage Whispers had done ever come to an end? He had done so much harm, caused so much pain. Wolfgang could still remember, all too clearly, the pain Whispers had inflicted on him, both physical and emotional. Pain like no other he had ever experienced and, for him, that was saying a lot.

He fiddled with his ring. It had become a habit, when he felt anxious in any way. It reminded him that he was loved, that he had two spouses who were so proud for everyone to know that they loved him.

His gaze flickered to where Kala was sitting on the sofa, with Anika, talking softly to her in Hindi. Anika was watching her mouth carefully, like she was learning how to make those sounds. In the kitchen, Rajan was making dinner. Wolfgang listened to the ordinary, everyday noises and felt a little calmer. Things were happening in Rafael’s cluster but Wolfgang’s life was carrying on as normal. He had his little family and he had to protect them. He would do anything to protect them.

But he found himself also wanting to help Rafael’s cluster. He had tried to keep his distance but it wasn’t working. Part of it was how Will felt for them but Wolfgang knew he was feeling it too. He cared about them and he wanted to protect them too. Something was wrong and he had no idea how to help.

Kala visited him and put her arms around his neck. ‘You all right, love?’ she asked.

He sighed, leaning into her. ‘I’m all right.’ He turned his head to kiss her. ‘I’ll always be all right as long as I’ve got you.’

She beamed at him, then kissed the top of his head, before her attention returned to her daughter. Wolfgang leaned back in his chair and tried to get himself to relax. It would be nothing they couldn’t sort out, together.


	105. Chapter 105

When Niki returned to herself, she found herself looking into Kiri’s concerned face. She gave her a reassuring smile. ‘I’m all right,’ she said.

Kiri nodded. ‘I’m still getting used to the way you look when you’re visiting. Sort of spaced out. Although, that doesn’t always happen.’

‘When it’s just one or two of the cluster, I can focus on them and my surroundings. But the more of us there are, the harder it is. That was nearly everybody.’

‘Elin?’

Niki shook her head sadly. ‘No. Before, when Lito was telling us about Rafael’s parents, I thought I felt her then, but it was too brief.’ She had already talked Kiri through everything Lito, Will and the rest of the 8/8 cluster had told them. She hid nothing from Kiri.

Kiri reached out and touched her cheek gently. ‘You look tired. Come on, let’s have a lie down.’

Niki’s first instinct, as always, was to argue and insist she was fine, but she couldn’t deny she was tired. Kiri, despite being mild mannered and easy-going could also be firm and stern. It could be difficult to argue with her. And, if she was honest with herself, nothing sounded better to Niki than the idea of being taken for a lie down with Kiri.

Sensing there was no resistance this time, Kiri took her hand and led her over to the bed. They were in their hotel suite, in London. They had a game in two days but, after that, they had some free time and that was when Niki was planning to go to Iceland and sort out whatever was going on with Elin. She was determined she was going to fix it.

She lay down on the large, comfortable bed with Kiri. Her girlfriend tugged her close and kissed her tenderly on the mouth. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked. ‘It’s a lot to take in.’

‘No,’ said Niki. ‘I just want … I just want to be with you.’

Kiri smiled, tracing her thumb across Niki’s collarbone. ‘I’m right here.’

Drawn instinctively to each other, they kissed again, slowly and deeply. They felt like they had all the time in the world and there was no need to rush. Kiri’s hands went to her waist, sneaking underneath her t-shirt to stroke her skin. Niki closed her eyes, just to feel Kiri’s warmth, and the firm touch of her fingers on the dip of her waist.

All at once, Niki could feel some of her cluster with her. She could feel Mari spooning against her, trailing kisses along her shoulder through the fabric of her t-shirt. She could feel Tora’s sure and steady grip on Mari’s waist and the passion between the two buffeted them all with heat. She could feel Teddy’s strong hands moving across Rafael’s skin, love and comfort in every gentle touch.

For just a second, she thought she could feel Elin’s desire, her yearning to be with them. But it was all too short, just a flicker of her, and the tantalising feeling made Niki ache with unfulfilled need.

‘I can feel you wanting her,’ said Kiri, gently. She looked into Niki’s eyes. ‘We’ll find her. We’ll get her safe. It’ll be okay.’

Niki buried her face in her girlfriend’s neck, drawing strength from her. Kiri didn’t say anything more, just held her so tight and close.

‘It’s too much sometimes,’ Mari admitted. She wouldn’t admit it to anyone else but she felt that Tora understood. Tora didn’t judge.

‘It’s getting easier though, isn’t it? Feeling all these emotions and sensations all at once.’

Mari smiled. ‘It makes the real world seem a little quieter, and I never thought that was possible.’

Tora smiled at her for a moment, then the smile faded. ‘Do you think … Elin’s in danger? I mean, I don’t want to think bad of anyone but Alois acts so strangely, like he wants to keep Elin all to himself, like he doesn’t even want to know the rest of us. Anwar is the only one he talks to.’

Mari looked down. ‘Niki thinks she’s in danger. She hasn’t said so but I can tell she’s afraid of what Alois is going to do. She doesn’t understand him. I don’t either but I never understand people.’ 

‘Me neither. I wish I could come with you to meet her, but it’s a long way and I have an important meeting the next day.’

‘I know, cariad. Don’t worry. It’s not like I’ll be on my own. Niki and Teddy will be there and I’m sure Will and Riley will come with us.’

‘I’ll visit too, if I can help.’

Mari bit her lip. ‘Tor … you don’t think … you don’t think he’d actually hurt her, do you?’

Tora shook her head. ‘I can’t imagine why he would want to. I mean, we feel everything each other feels, don’t we? It’d be like hurting himself.’

Mari felt a little lighter at that comment. Of course, Alois wouldn’t hurt Elin because he would only feel that same pain. That made her feel a little better. But still, the worry gnawed at her belly and she couldn’t ignore the feeling.

Wolfgang swam across the pool in slow, easy strokes. He could feel his muscles working, propelling him through the water and easing the tension in his chest. He could feel Kala and Anika close by and knew Kala was sitting in the shade, feeding the baby and watching him.

He could hear the soft grunts Rajan made as he worked out on the new ab crunch machine he’d bought. He was convinced he’d put on some weight about his belly. Wolfgang couldn’t see it. He loved every inch of Rajan, exactly the way he was.

The ordinary sounds of his family helped to relax him and he could gradually feel his body letting go of the majority of his tension. He hadn’t talked about it but he’d started having dreams again. They were vague but unsettling. Some involved his father. Some featured various criminal enemies from his past or his time as BPO’s prisoner. The enemy was never the same. The only thing that was the same every time was that feeling of being trapped, unable to run and unable to fight. Sometimes barely able to move.

He was also tense about the other cluster. They were going through a lot and he knew it was affecting him, probably just through his connection to Rafael. He was worried so he was passing it onto Wolfgang. There was nothing to be done about it.

He realised Capheus was swimming with him and he smiled at him. Capheus often visited when he swam, because he loved the water. To Capheus there was nothing better than being submerged in cool, clear water.

Capheus gave him one of his big smiles and Wolfgang felt his own smile widen. You couldn’t be miserable when faced with one of Capheus’s smiles. He reached out, skirting his hand across that firm, strong thigh as his friend swam beside him.

‘You look like you have no troubles in the world,’ he said.

Capheus’s palm brushed his shoulder. ‘There are always troubles in life. But there is also so much that makes life worth living.’ He stopped, leaning against the pool wall and allowing his legs to float in front of him.

Wolfgang copied him, relaxing in the water as it held him. He was naked, the way he always swam, and he felt utterly free. He did have so much that made his life worth living, more than he ever thought was possible.

‘We want you all to come and visit again soon, once we’ve got our visit to Mumbai out of the way.’

Capheus beamed at him. ‘I cannot wait to meet Anika for real.’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘She’ll love you, like we all do.’ He nudged him. ‘Uncle Capheus.’

Capheus just grinned and Wolfgang could feel the pride and love filling him as he heard those words. His daughter was so lucky to have all these people in her life who loved her that much.


	106. Chapter 106

The noise and the activity of the airport hit Mari like a raging storm around her head. Her heart hammered in her chest and her hands shook. Her ears buzzed with the sheer overwhelming noise. She’d brought Eowyn, as she was an official assistance dog and her presence helped a little, as did the earplugs she wore, but it was still an experience she was far from used to.

She kept her hand on Eowyn’s back to keep herself centred and to keep her meltdown at bay. Then Tora was with her too. Mari felt bad for projecting her panicky feelings onto her cluster but they never complained. They were always there for her.

Rafael and Teddy were there too, supporting her. Teddy was in an airport too, but in Liverpool, as that was the quicker route for him. But he walked with her and his hand squeezed hers gently.

She could feel Niki and she looked ahead, searching out her face in the crowd. Their eyes met before Mari even realised it. She felt a pull towards the other woman in her chest, like she had come face to face with a best friend from long ago, or a long-lost family member. She was unfamiliar, because she’d never actually seen her before, but at the same time, she was somebody she knew as well as she knew herself.

They walked towards each other, shared a smile, then embraced. Niki’s hug was firm and tight, yet gentle at the same time. It was like when Eowyn put pressure on her chest. She felt safe in that hug and immediately reassured by it.

They parted and Niki grinned at her. ‘It’s so good to meet you properly.’ She signed along with the words, which Mari appreciated.

‘You too.’ She turned and indicated the woman next to her. Mari knew her too, because she had seen her through Niki’s eyes.

‘This is Kiri.’ She smiled. ‘Though I guess you know that.’

Kiri smiled. ‘Hi! It’s so good to meet you, Mari. Are you into hugs from people you don’t know?’

Mari grinned. ‘No. But I know you,’ she said. She reached for Kiri and they hugged tight. The feel of her and the scent of her was so familiar and she could feel Niki’s love for her echoing inside her. But she could also feel Niki’s feelings for Elin, though they were less certain and vaguer in her. Somehow, she was going to have to reconcile those feelings.

Mari was always nervous about meeting new people and it usually took her a while to warm up to strangers but she couldn’t believe how quickly she felt at home with Niki and Kiri. She already knew both of them.

The flight wasn’t a long one and before they knew it, they were emerging at the other side. Teddy was meeting them at arrivals, as his own flight had got in at about the same time.

Teddy could be shy too, but not with them. He immediately gave them both a big smile and a friendly hug. It really was like meeting much loved family you just hadn’t seen for a little while.

They got a taxi to Will and Riley’s house. Mari had been a little worried that Eowyn wouldn’t like all these new people, as she had a tendency to be suspicious of strangers but, after a few sniffs, she had settled down with them as if she had known them all her life.

Riley answered the door to them. In person, she was just as beautiful, if not more, as Mari had thought she was when she’d seen her through Will’s eyes. Her whole face lit up in a smile and her brown eyes were full of warmth and compassion.

‘You’re all so welcome,’ she said, meeting each of their gazes for a moment, before hugging them all, before she showed them inside.

Will was there and, as Mari looked at him, she felt a rush of feelings overwhelm her. Her heart started to race and she didn’t know what to do with her feelings. It was like seeing her Da again.

Will didn’t say anything. He just opened his arms and drew her into a hug. She buried herself in him as his strong arms wrapped around her and she felt absolutely and completely safe and at ease.

The hug didn’t last long, because Mari pulled away to let him greet the others but the effect stayed with her. He really was like her father. She looked at the others and she could sense the strength of their feelings as well. They all felt like that about him. Tora, Anwar and Rafael appeared too, drawn to them by the strength of their feelings.

Will had tears in his eyes and Mari could feel his emotion, like a wave washing over her. She needed to do something with these feelings. She started to tap a rhythm against her thigh and that helped. Eowyn stood close by her, pressing her side against her leg and that helped too.

‘You all right?’ Riley asked her, her voice gentle.

Mari nodded, not quite able to find words. Tora was beside her and Mari focused on the feeling of her hand, firm, on the small of her back. ‘I’m okay,’ she signed.

She felt Will watching her, with concern but also understanding. ‘It’s a lot to take in,’ he said. ‘For me too. But it’s so good to see you all.’

‘I didn’t expect it to feel like this,’ said Teddy. ‘You’re a stranger but … I feel like you’re family.’

‘He is family,’ said Niki. ‘Koro says we find our family in the connections we make. And we’re connected.’ She looked round at each of them in turn. ‘We’re all connected.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Which is why we need to help Elin.’

‘We just hope we can,’ said Riley. ‘But she won’t let us connect with her at all. What do you get from her?’

‘Very little,’ said Niki. ‘It’s like … there’s something keeping her away from us. We see glimpses sometimes but that’s it. We think …’ She cleared her throat and looked at Kiri. ‘Well, _I_ think it might be something to do with Alois.’

Mari felt uncomfortable. She didn’t want to distrust Alois. She didn’t want there to be any dissent between any of her cluster, but there was something strange about him. It was like he wasn’t even interested in them, except for Elin. But then, Will had told her that some connections would be stronger and easier than others.

She looked at Will and saw Riley take his hand. The thought that Alois might be keeping Elin away from them hurt him too. She could feel how much he loved them all and he only wanted them all to get on. It was all she wanted too, but it didn’t seem to be happening. Why? What was wrong with their cluster that they couldn’t get on the way Will’s cluster did.

‘If it is to do with him, we have to stop him,’ she said. She looked around at the others, at Will and Riley and at her cluster and Kiri. ‘We won’t be whole until we’re all together.’


	107. Chapter 107

Will’s belly jumped with nerves as they made their way over to Elin’s house. Since nobody could connect with her, they didn’t know what they were going to find. Riley, sensing how anxious he was, held his hand tightly. He appreciated her presence and drew a lot of strength from her.

It wasn’t just his own feelings he had to worry about. It was his children. The six of them he could feel clearly, even the three of them who weren’t physically there, were all buffeting emotions at him. Anxiety, excitement, fear, confusion; all of it was coming at him in all directions.

‘You’re not on your own,’ said Wolfgang.

Will glanced at him and his eyes were intense. He was worried about this too. Will nodded, grateful for his presence too.

They reached Elin’s house and Niki took charge. She knocked on the door, giving everybody a reassuring smile.

When Elin opened the door, she was frowning. The frown got deeper when she saw who it was. ‘What do you want?’ she asked, her voice high with worry.

‘Just to talk,’ said Will, using his best calm mom voice.

Elin hesitated and Will could feel her wrestling with the decision. ‘All right,’ she said, at last. ‘You might as well come in.’ She turned away, leaving the door open.

Relieved, Will went inside, followed by the others. Elin was alone. There was no sign of her parents and no sign of Alois. Anwar must be keeping him occupied, as promised.

Elin sat on the sofa and looked around at them, frowning in confusion. ‘Are you really all here?’

Will sat down beside her and took her hand. ‘We’ve come because you’re worried about you. We want to help you.’

Riley sat on her other side. ‘We’re all here for you,’ she said, gently. 

Elin pulled her hand away. ‘I don’t need help.’ She looked around at them again, her gaze coming to rest on Niki. ‘I don’t want you here.’

‘We’re your cluster,’ said Niki. ‘That’s supposed to mean something.’

‘It doesn’t mean anything to me,’ Elin said, dropping her gaze.

‘How can you say that?’ demanded Mari.

Elin flinched and didn’t reply. Will felt Wolfgang watching carefully.

Elin’s gaze swept over them all but wouldn’t land on anyone. ‘Alois says just because this thing has happened to us doesn’t mean we owe each other anything.’ She glanced up at Niki, but only for a second, like just looking at her hurt. ‘It doesn’t mean we mean anything to each other.’

‘You mean something to us,’ said Teddy, in his soft, since voice.

Elin looked at him for a moment, then a look of distress crossed her beautiful, pale face. ‘I shouldn’t be talking to you. He’ll …’

‘He’ll what, Elin?’ asked Niki, an edge to her voice. ‘Because if Alois has threatened you …’

Elin flew to her feet. ‘He hasn’t threatened me! Alois wouldn’t do that! He loves me. He’s the only one who cares. He’s going to help me find my brother, because none of the rest of you care.’

‘Of course we care!’ shouted Niki. ‘But how are we supposed to help if you won’t talk to us?’

Elin glared at her, like her anger was giving her strength. ‘Alois knows everything about me. He loves me. He would never hurt me. None of you have even noticed me all this time.’

‘Of course we have!’ shouted Niki, her greenish brown eyes flashing. ‘Why do you think we’re here?’

‘I don’t care why you’re here. I just think you should leave me alone now.’

‘They’re all here because they care about you,’ said Kiri, gently.

Elin glared at her. ‘I don’t even know you.’

‘Okay,’ said Will, standing up. ‘I think we all need to breathe and calm down.’

‘I don’t need to do anything. I just need you all to leave me alone now.’

‘Elin, please,’ begged Will, desperate for her to just listen. Why wouldn’t she let them help her?

‘I don’t want to talk to you anymore. None of you.’

‘We’re not expecting anything from you,’ said Riley, gently. ‘We just want you to talk to us.’

‘Well I don’t want to talk to you. None of you. Now leave, please.’

Will looked at Riley, then at everybody else. Mari fingers were moving fast at her side as anxiety pulsed through her. Teddy was frowning in distress and Niki was panting hard, her body tense with anger. Kiri laid her hand on Niki’s arm, trying to calm her down.

Elin wasn’t looking at any of them, but Will could feel her distress. It was coming off her in waves. But he didn’t understand it. Didn’t she understand that they just wanted to help her?

He was trying to think of something else to say to get through to her, when she turned and walked away.

‘Shut the door behind you,’ she said, then left the room.

Will couldn’t move. That couldn’t be it. That couldn’t be the end of it. Riley took his hand again.

‘Come on, Elskan. If she doesn’t want us here, there isn’t much we can do.’

They left in silence. Niki was the last to go. Will saw her gazing in the direction Elin had disappeared into, before Kiri tugged on her arm and led her away.

Back at home, the six of them sat around the living room, feeling useless and despondent. Mari sat on the floor, cuddling Eowyn close to her and not able to speak aloud, just signing if she had to say something. Teddy perched on the edge of one of the armchairs, quiet as he lost himself in his thoughts. Will sat on the sofa next to Riley and wondered what he’d done wrong.

Niki was the only one not sitting, pacing the room as Kiri watched her anxiously from another armchair.

‘I can’t understand it. I just can’t understand,’ she was muttering.

‘You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped,’ said Kiri, rationally.

But Niki was in no mood to be rational. She scowled. ‘We’re her cluster! She should trust us! Why doesn’t she trust us?’ She looked at Will and Riley. ‘You trust your cluster, don’t you?’

He nodded. ‘I don’t know how it all went so wrong.’ He grunted with frustration. ‘I’m no good at this. I should be able to help you all bond but I’m useless.’

‘You’re not useless,’ said Riley, calmly. She rubbed his arm gently. It should have helped but it didn’t. But he didn’t know what would help. It felt like nothing would.

He realised that Wolfgang was there too. ‘She’s scared,’ he said.

Will looked at him. ‘What is she scared of?’

The others stopped and listened, though he was aware that only Riley could hear Wolfgang.

Wolfgang frowned, scuffing his shoe compulsively against the carpet. ‘It’s like … she reminds me of my mama.’

Will sat up straight. ‘What about your mama?’

Wolfgang raised his gaze to look at him. ‘All she wants is to please Alois. She’ll do anything for his approval but it’s never enough. It’s like … he’s made her feel like she’s never going to be enough.’

‘If that’s true, why does she keep trying? If he’s impossible to please.’

Wolfgang looked down. ‘That only makes her more eager to please him, because if she can, it’ll prove she’s worth something. Until then, it’s like she’s nothing.’

He looked up at Will and his eyes were full of pain. Will could feel the pain from him too. It was so great that Kala appeared too, sliding her arms around his waist and holding him. Will wanted to go to him too, to hold him and make it all better but he knew Wolfgang had more to say first.

‘That’s how abusers make you feel,’ he said, fighting to keep his voice steady. ‘Like you’re nothing.’


	108. Chapter 108

Will brought his knees up to his chest and covered his face with his hands. ‘No, no, he’s not, he’s not.’

‘You’ve got to face it, Will,’ said Wolfgang, sternly. ‘Why else would she be scared of him?’

Will shook his head rapidly. ‘No, I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. I won’t.’ He got up and started pacing across the room.

‘What’s going on?’ asked Niki, her voice tense.

‘Wolfgang thinks Elin sounded scared of Alois and that it might mean he is abusing her,’ said Riley.

‘He’s not!’ snapped Will. ‘He can’t be. I know him. He wouldn’t hurt anyone.’

‘But that’s the point, isn’t it?’ said Kiri. ‘None of you _really_ know him because he won’t talk to any of you. If he won’t talk, he can hide a lot about himself, right?’

Niki sat down next to her girlfriend and grasped her hand tightly. ‘Do you think he could be?’

Kiri looked at her. ‘I don’t know him at all but … Wolfgang is right. She sounded scared. And all that stuff about Alois being the only one who care about her. It was almost like she was trying to convince herself.’

‘She’s smart,’ said Wolfgang. ‘You should listen to her, Will.’

Will didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want this to be true. It couldn’t be true. Could it? Riley put her hand on his shoulder. ‘I think we need to consider it, Will,’ she said, gently.

He looked at her for moment, then leaned back into her with a heavy sigh. ‘Say it is true, what do we do about it?’

Niki stood up again. ‘We need to go and get her. She needs to come and stay with one of us so she’s safe.’

‘But he’s in Paris,’ said Teddy. ‘It’s not physically that he’s a threat, is it?’

‘And, Nik, if you go charging in, she’s only going to dig her heels in,’ said Kiri, calmly.

‘I can’t just leave her there!’ shouted Niki.

Rafael put his hand on her shoulder. ‘Kiri’s right, cariño. If you confront her with this, you’re only going to push her away.’

Niki sagged. ‘We have to do something.’

‘What about her brother?’ Mari asked, standing up. She’d been huddled on the floor, holding on tight to Eowyn all this time, as the argument happened around her. But now she was calm and steady. Everybody looked at her.

‘What do you mean, Mar?’ asked Tora.

Mari flapped her hand frantically for a moment, then started signing along with her speech. ‘She said Alois was the only person who would help her find her brother, that we didn’t care enough to help. Well, if we found him for her, that would show her that Alois was wrong, wouldn’t it? Or that he was lying to her.’

‘But …’ started Teddy, glancing at Rafael and biting his lip. ‘What if … what if the same thing happened to him as to Rafi’s parents? What if it’s bad news?’

Rafael took a deep breath. ‘Then it’d be better to know.’ He glanced at Will. ‘Like it was for me.’

‘I don’t like just leaving her like this,’ said Niki, her distress clear, even on her stoical face. ‘It feels like abandoning her.’

‘We can’t stay after tomorrow, Niki. You know we can’t,’ said Kiri. ‘We have a game coming up.’

‘I know. I just … maybe just one of us should go again, maybe just in a visit, and make sure she knows we’re here for her, no matter what.’

They looked around at each other. Everybody wanted to go, and nobody at the same time. They didn’t want to mess this up.

‘I think Teddy should go,’ said Mari.

Teddy’s dark brown eyes opened wide. ‘Me? Why me?’

Mari smiled at him. ‘You’re calm and … non-threatening.’ She pulled a face. ‘Sorry if that’s rude.’

Rafael laughed lightly. ‘It sounds pretty accurate to me,’ he said, his voice warm with affection.

Teddy bit his lip, twisting his hands together. ‘I suppose I could try. But I don’t want to mess it up.’

‘You won’t mess it up, Ted,’ said Rafael, smiling. ‘You just use that expert bedside manner of yours.’

Teddy smiled a little, then looked at Will and Riley. ‘I have dealt with abuse victims at work. God, do you really think she could be?’

‘We can’t know for sure,’ said Mari. ‘But I suppose we’d better carry on like she is. If we’re wrong … I guess we’ll have to deal with it.’

Teddy took a deep breath. ‘I guess I’ll go now.’ They watched as he took on the slightly vacant look they all associated with visiting.

Wolfgang patted Will on the shoulder. ‘You’re doing the right thing, Will.’

Will looked at him. ‘I hope you’re right,’ he said, then sighed heavily and sat back down on the sofa, feeling completely helpless.

Teddy found himself in Elin’s bedroom. He heard her before he saw her. She was crying; her soft, barely audible sobs were the only sound in the room. His gaze sought her out and he found her on her bed, curled up in a ball.

‘We didn’t mean to upset you,’ he said, gently.

She sat up suddenly and glared at him. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘We wanted to make sure you were all right.’

She looked around, checking for the others he guessed.

‘It’s just me,’ he said, with a small smile.

She narrowed her eyes at him. ‘Where’s Alois? Why hasn’t he come?’

‘I don’t know. But we’ve been wondering that about you for a while. About why you wouldn’t let us visit you.’

‘Because I don’t need any of you.’

‘You’re one of us, Elin, and, no matter what, we’ll always care about you. And … you’ll always be safe to come to any of us for help. We want to make sure you know that.’

She looked at him. ‘Alois says you don’t care about me.’

‘I don’t know why Alois would say that but we do care about you. We all do. And we want to do whatever we can to help you. Will’s cluster is going to help us find your brother. I’m sure they’ll be able to find him.’

‘Really?’ asked Elin, her face lighting up.

‘Yeah. They found out what had happened to Rafi’s parents and they’d been missing for even longer.’ He reached out and touched her arm gently. ‘I can’t promise it’ll be a good result, but we will find him.’ He found her hand and was relieved when she let him take it. ‘We’ll do it together. We’re all here for you, Elin. I promise.’

She looked back at him for a moment, then nodded. She leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. She rested her head against his chest and took in a long, shuddering breath.


	109. Chapter 109

‘Mommy,’ said Melika, suddenly appearing at Nomi’s elbow.

Amanita was back at work and Nomi was doing a little bit of her own work at her desk, while keeping an eye on the kids playing on the floor. Nomi smiled; warmth still went through her whenever they called her ‘Mommy’ or ‘Mom’.

She saved her work and turned her full attention to Melika. ‘Yes, Meli?’

Melika climbed on her lap and looked into her face. ‘Mommy, do you know that I can see you when you’re not there?’

Nomi smiled. ‘Can you? In your imagination?’

Melika shook her head. ‘No. I can see Mama in my imagination when she’s not with me. But you I can see for real.’

‘Like really real?’ Nomi asked, curiously. ‘Or pretend?’

‘Really real,’ insisted Melika. She bit her lip. ‘When I feel a bit scared or lonely at school sometimes, I want you and then I can see you and I feel better.’

Nomi hugged her. ‘I’m glad I help you feel better. Do you feel scared and lonely at school a lot?’ she probed gently.

‘Not a lot. Just sometimes.’ She gave Nomi one of her big smiles. ‘I love school the rest of the time.’ She hugged Nomi, then slid back down the floor and went to play with her brother.

Konani, quiet and easy going as usual, just gave her a big smile then went back to his Lego. Nomi watched them thoughtfully. Was it really possible Melika could see her? Or was it just a childish fancy? Could she actually be a sensate? Nomi had to remind herself that Melika wasn’t biologically related to her but maybe there was some reason why she had felt connected to the children so quickly, why Melika had felt comfortable with her immediately. Maybe they had this in common.

Wolfgang paced, his thoughts swirling in his head, as his stomach tied itself in knots. He was partly in their apartment in Paris, partly in Will and Riley’s house in Iceland and partly in his own past.

He was aware of Kala, at once sitting holding the baby on the sofa in their living room and also standing beside Will waiting anxiously for Teddy to return from his visit. But the face primarily in his mind was his mama’s. The familiar fear in her eyes when she knew he was on his way home. He’d seen the same look in Elin’s eyes, as he’d watched the scene beside Will.

It was the first time he’d really seen Elin. She was smaller and slighter than his mama had been but the blonde hair, blue eyes and her quiet manner made it all too easy to visualise his mama in her place. That made him both more certain and less certain until his thoughts were just a confusing mess in his head.

Did she remind him of his mother and so he saw an abuse victim, or did she remind him of his mother _because_ she was an abuse victim? It was too confusing to think about logically. All he knew were his feelings.

He felt Rajan near him. His husband had been watching his pacing from the sofa but now he was standing beside him. Wolfgang stopped, blinking at him stupidly. He hadn’t even seen him arrive.

‘Come and sit down, my love, before you wear out the flooring,’ Rajan said, gently taking his hand.

Wolfgang huffed. ‘Thought you said it was hardwood, the most hardwearing floor anyone could have except stone.’

Rajan smiled lightly. ‘Well, you’re making me dizzy then.’ He tugged gently on his hand and Wolfgang allowed himself to be led. Rajan sat him down on the sofa, in between Kala and himself. Wolfgang leaned against Kala’s shoulder and looked at Anika. He felt Rajan’s arm slip around his shoulders and hold him firmly but gently.

Wolfgang reached out and stroked his daughter’s soft, dark cheek, almost the same shade as Kala’s. But Anika’s cheek was chubby with baby fat and she had his dimples. Occasionally, she made expressions which reminded him of his mama.

He sighed heavily. ‘I keep thinking of my mama.’

He felt them exchange glances, then Kala angled her head to rest against his and Rajan kissed his palm. He sighed, relaxing into them and letting their presence soothe him a little. Maybe this time, he could make a difference.

Anwar had been having such a good time cooking with Alois that he had mostly forgotten about what was happening with the others. He could feel their worry and their tensions and then, a little relief.

But Alois didn’t seem to feel anything. They had music on and the boys were dancing around to it in the far end of the kitchen. Anwar smiled to watch them. It had been so long since they had been able to just have fun like this. He wasn’t sure they even remembered their home being peaceful and their childhood free of fear. It made him feel so wonderful and at peace within himself to see his children so full of fun.

Alois was showing him how to make Madeleines. He was a good cook and baker, much better than Anwar, who only knew the basics. French cooking was so different from what he was used to but he thought it was important he learned, if he was going to make a life here.

‘Come and have a look, boys,’ called Alois, over the music. ‘Before we put these in the oven.’

The boys raced over and Anwar smiled at their enthusiasm. He couldn’t understand why the others had a problem with Alois. He had done so much to help him and already his boys adored him. He was kind to them and he’d given them a good sized bedroom in his house and had it decorated just for them. He’d insisted on buying them furniture as well, even though Anwar had been planning to get them what he needed with his first paycheque. But Alois was generous and free with his money and had insisted. He even refused to take any rent.

‘You are one of my cluster,’ he’d said. ‘My friend. I count you and your boys as part of my family.’

Alois never talked about his real family. There weren’t even any pictures up of them. But Anwar knew he had parents he was in touch with, because it had been Alois’s mother who had pulled some strings and got him his visa to live in Paris. 

‘Wow,’ said Barak, using one of the words he’d picked up from the TV shows he’d been watching. ‘They look so tasty!’

‘When will they be ready?’ asked Basir, whining slightly.

Alois laughed. ‘They only take a few minutes in the oven at such a high temperature.’

‘Step back from the oven now, boys and we’ll put them in,’ said Anwar.

The boys did as they were told and Alois put the tray in the oven. Then he grinned and picked up the mixing bowl. ‘Now, if you’re very good and share nicely, you can scrape out the bowl between you. Even the uncooked mixture is very tasty.’

The boys stood up very straight to show how good they were and Alois laughed again and handed over the bowl. He went to wash his hands and hummed as he did so.

Suddenly, the humming stopped and Alois turned around and looked sharply at him.

‘What is it, my friend?’

‘Elin,’ he murmured, then walked out of the room.

Anwar went cold. Whatever was going on with Elin and the others, Alois now knew about it. He didn’t know why but that idea didn’t feel good. 


	110. Chapter 110

Elin felt Alois a moment before she saw him. She pulled away from her connection with Teddy, eager to give Alois all her focus. She saw his face and felt a spike of anxiety in her belly. He didn’t look happy. His brow was furrowed and his mouth was a thin line.

‘Elin, ma chéri, thank goodness I’ve got to you first.’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Have they been to see you? Will and all the rest of them? Have they been here?’

‘They all came. Will and Riley, Teddy, Mari and Niki. They were all going on at me, saying that they were worried about me. Niki asked me if you’d threatened me.’

Alois put his hands on her shoulders. ‘This is what I mean about them, ma belle. They’re trying to manipulate you.’

‘But why would they do that?’

‘They want to keep us apart, Liebling. They’re jealous of our closeness.’

‘I don’t care about any of them. I just want to be with you.’

Alois gave her a smile. ‘That’s good to hear, my love. I am so relieved to hear you say that. Now, what we’ve got to do is going to be very hard.’

‘What do you mean, Alois?’ she asked, her heart starting to race.

‘Did they say they wanted to help you find your brother?’

She nodded. ‘They did. They said they were sure they could help.’

‘They were lying, love. They don’t want to help you. They want to stop you finding out the truth.’

‘They want to keep me from my brother?’

‘That’s not true, Elin,’ said Rafael, suddenly visiting her. His voice was stern and a little hard and she flinched away from him. ‘All we want is to help you.’

‘Is one of them here?’ asked Alois.

‘Rafael. He says he wants to help me.’

‘He’s lying. If he were telling the truth, he’d visit me too, wouldn’t he? But he’s scared of me exposing his lies. You need to stay away from all of you. They don’t want to help you. They want to hurt you.’

‘Hurt me?’

Alois gave her a gentle smile and caressed her cheek. ‘Oh, my dear sweet Elin, you’re so naïve, love. You just want to believe the best in everyone and I love you for that, but the world isn’t like that. I promised I’d keep you safe, didn’t I? I promised I’d always protect you. You do believe me, don’t you, Liebling? I couldn’t bear to think you didn’t believe me.’

‘Of course I believe you, Alois. Of course I do.’

‘Elin, please,’ said Rafael. ‘Please let us help you.’

She glanced at him, but then returned her attention to Alois. ‘He’s still here. I don’t want him to be, Alois. Please help me.’

‘I’m coming, love. I’m on a plane right now and I’m coming for you. We have to get away from here.’

‘But they’ll visit us wherever we go. We’ll never be able to away from them.’

Alois gave her that gentle smile again and she felt so reassured by him. He would keep her safe. He was going to protect her from the rest of their cluster. ‘They won’t follow us where we’re going.’

‘Where are we going?’

‘I can’t tell you yet, my love. And I know this is going to be so hard for you, to leave your parents again but we have to do this to keep you safe. You understand that, don’t you?’

‘I …’

Alois grasped her shoulders. ‘Please, Elin, you have to understand. Please let me help you.’

‘I do want you to help me.’

‘Then go and pack. Not too much. We won’t need much and we have to travel light. I’ll be with you soon.’

‘What about the cluster? What do I say to them?’

‘Don’t say anything to them. They’re not safe for you. Just ignore them. I’ll get you to safety really soon and then you won’t ever have to see them again.’

Elin glanced at Rafael, who was frowning. ‘El? What is he saying to you?’

‘Just keep away from me, Rafael. I don’t want any of you near me,’ she said, looking for Alois’s nod of approval. He gave it and she felt a jump inside her at the knowledge that he was pleased with her.

‘El…’ Rafael started.

‘Go!’ she shouted. ‘Leave me alone, now!’

He looked helplessly at her for a moment, then he was gone. Elin turned and hurried up to her bedroom. She had to pack.

‘Something’s happening,’ said Rafael, visiting the members of the cluster who were gathered in Will and Riley’s living room.

Will felt a jolt in his belly as the fear and anxiety of his children echoed through his body. He could feel them all and he knew something wasn’t right.

‘What?’ asked Teddy. ‘What’s wrong? She just pushed me away.’

‘She said she doesn’t want to see any of us,’ said Rafael. ‘She thinks we’re going to hurt her.’

Will stood, fear for his child making anger pulse through him. ‘We have to get back over there.’

Riley put her hand on his shoulder. ‘I’m not sure that would help, not if she thinks we want to hurt her.’

‘But we’re not going to hurt her,’ said Will.

‘Why does she think that?’ asked Mari. ‘We haven’t done anything to her. We just care about her.’

‘We have to make her understand,’ said Niki.

‘She’s leaving,’ said Rafael. ‘I don’t know where but I think he’s taking her somewhere.’

‘I don’t understand this,’ said Will, running his hands through his hair. ‘How can she not trust you? Surely she can feel how much you care about her?’ He glanced at Riley. ‘Would you try? Maybe she’ll listen to you?’

Riley nodded. ‘I’ll try.’ He watched her focus and knew she was visiting. Oh, maybe they were only making everything worse? He didn’t even understand what had happened, how it had all gone wrong. How could they fix it if they didn’t understand what had gone wrong?

All too soon, Riley shifted positions and he knew she was back. She looked at him and shook her head. ‘She wouldn’t even let me speak.’

He tried but he barely got a glimpse of her before she pushed him away again. She was in complete control and she wasn’t going to let a connection happen.

Niki sat down suddenly, resting her head in her hands and breathing slowly and deliberately. Kiri sat beside her but didn’t touch her. Will could feel her focus, could feel her going into a sort of trance, like a meditation. Maybe she could connect enough just to get through to her.

Niki focused on the blackness behind her eyes, slowing her breathing and forcing herself to relax. She felt for Elin, the Elin she had glimpsed in intimate moments, the person she was underneath, the person who longed for her too.

She felt Elin’s heart racing and heard a burst of the confusing thoughts swirling through her head. She felt Elin notice her, with a jerk in both their bellies.

‘Don’t push me away, El,’ she murmured. ‘Please not me.’

She felt the sob rise in Elin’s chest and also felt the other woman refuse to let it out. ‘Please don’t, Niki. Please leave me alone.’

‘I can’t do that. Not when I can feel how frightened you are.’

‘Alois says I can’t trust you, any of you.’

‘What have we ever done that’s untrustworthy?’

Elin didn’t have an answer to that. Niki felt her confusion and the two sides of herself wrestling over who to believe. Alois or Niki? Alois or Niki?

‘We don’t want to take you away from anyone. The only one who wants to take you away is Alois. Just him. Please, Elin, don’t let him take you away from us.’

She could feel Elin wavering. But then she felt Alois. She could feel him so close, so strong. He was dangerous. Niki felt that with every inch of her body and soul. Alois was dangerous.

‘Elin come to us, or let us come to you. We’ll make sure you’re safe, I promise.’

‘No,’ said Elin, and Niki could feel her pushing her away. ‘He’s here now. He’s here to protect me.’

The next moment, she was back in Will and Riley’s living room, pushed away from Elin.

She glanced around at them. ‘No, that can’t be it. I won’t let this happen!’

She reached for Elin again and found her, just in time to feel her swallow the medicine that Alois gave her. Then there was nothing, no one left to connect to. Elin was gone.


	111. Chapter 111

They had rushed round to Elin’s house, all of them, including the rest of the cluster who weren’t physically there. But it was too late.

Will had banged on the door until his hand throbbed. Wolfgang suggested breaking in but Niki said there was no point. Elin was gone and they all knew it.

Now they were back in Will and Riley’s living room, quiet and despondent. Mari was sitting on the floor, with her dog in her lap, talking in a fragmented mix of speech and sign. Tora was close by her, her hands twisted anxiously in her lap. Rafael was standing with Teddy, his arm around his shoulders. Anwar was standing alone, confused and helpless.

Will was curled up in on himself, hiding his face with his hands and Riley was rubbing his back and speaking to him in soft murmurs. Niki wondered whether any more of his cluster were with him. She already knew they all supported each other, that they all had each other’s backs. Unlike her cluster. It was like there was something rotten in their cluster and it was infecting them all.

Kiri was sitting beside but she knew better than to maul her. She needed her space. She closed her eyes, taking herself away from the business of the room, the grief surrounding her. She needed to focus on her own grief.

‘We still need to find her brother,’ Mari said. ‘Maybe … maybe that will bring her back to us. Rwy’n ffycin casáu hyn,’ she murmured.

Niki pulled her focus away. They _all_ felt the same as Mari. They all hated this. They needed help, she needed help and she wasn’t sure it was in this room.

She looked up and she was with Koro. He looked at her as though he had been expecting her.

‘You’re in pain,’ he said.

She took a breath and suddenly she was sobbing and she couldn’t stop. Koro wrapped his strong but gentle arms around her and held her close. ‘You let it all out, Nikora. There’s no need to keep anything to yourself, not with me.’

She let herself go and just cried into his shoulder. She was safe with him, this kind, wise man she had known since she was a little girl. He was like a grandfather to all of them and she knew she was safe to be vulnerable with him.

There was a hole inside her and she was afraid it would never be healed. Would they ever be able to see Elin again? Or were they just going to be six now, just with that hole in their souls? Was that pain going to be forever?

Finally, there were no more tears left and Koro sat her down, held her hand and looked into her face.

‘Now, tell me what is wrong,’ he said, almost sternly.

‘I don’t understand it. One of my cluster, Alois, has taken away another, Elin. He’s convinced her she can’t trust us, made her afraid of us, though I can feel some part of her fears him as well. He’s dangerous, I know he is, and now he’s got her. I should have seen it before. I should have got her to safety.’

She felt a wave of sympathetic pain from Koro and she knew he understand. Something more than words passed between them and she knew he understood much more of the situation than she had told him in words.

‘I understand,’ he said softly. He sighed. ‘It is difficult to accept that you cannot control what others do, what choices _they_ make. Nor can you save everyone.’

She stared at him. ‘What are you saying? That it’s hopeless? That we might as well give up on Elin? Because I won’t do that. There must be something we can do.’

‘Of course there is. But you can only save her if she wants to be saved, if she lets you help her.’ He sighed again. ‘Sadly, not everyone in this situation allows themselves to be saved.’ 

‘What _can_ we do, Koro?’

‘Your cluster already has the answer to that. Elin’s brother. You want to find him.’

Niki nodded. ‘That’s what Mari said, that finding her brother would help. Can you find him?’

‘I have people I can ask, as does Will’s cluster. Perhaps we will be able to find something. If he was sensate, one of us will know him.’ He paused. ‘Though it may be that he was Sapien. Ask your cluster to look too. Mari has skills in that area, doesn’t she?’

Niki smiled, starting to feel a little hopeful. ‘She does.’ Maybe they could do it after all. Maybe they could find Erik and he would help them bring Elin back to them. He would help them make their souls whole again.

But then her heart sank again. If they weren’t able to talk to Elin, if they couldn’t find her, how could they tell her if they did find her brother.

‘But, Koro, how can we reach Elin. She’s completely cut off from us.’

‘Reach for her often. No blockers work all the time. There will be gaps. Dream of her, meditate about her. You will be able to reach her sooner or later.’ He smiled. ‘I can feel how strongly you feel for her. Even blockers cannot stop a strong connection forever.’ He patted her hand. ‘Go now, be with your cluster. You need each other now. And I will be here when you need me. If I get any answers to your questions about Erik, I will let you know.’

‘Thank you, Koro. I don’t know what I would do without you.’

He touched her cheek gently with one craggy hand. ‘I will always be here for you, Nikora.’ He gave her a toothy grin. ‘Even when I have died, my spirit will still come to help you with your problems.’

She smiled, taking his hand and holding it. ‘I hope that’s not for a long time yet.’

He waved his other hand. ‘I have lived a long time already. I would be a fool if I thought I had a long time left. But I am still healthy enough to do my own garden so I don’t think anyone should start planning my funeral just yet.’ He squeezed her hand again, then let her go. ‘Go on, back to your cluster. They need you now.’

Niki nodded. She was determined to be strong for her cluster. Together, they would find Elin and deal with Alois. He was _not_ going to drive them apart. Not while she was around.


	112. Chapter 112

Wolfgang grinned as he watched his daughter gum eagerly at a wedge of mango he’d cut up for her. She was making a sticky mess of herself but she was clearly having the best time. He wasn’t sure exactly how much mango she was eating compared with how much she was spreading over her face and hands though.

She was a welcome distraction from everything that was going on. Elin had been missing for a week. Will and the others had been to her house repeatedly but there was no sign of her. They’d put some plans into action. Mari was trying to find out what she could, and Riley had asked Mr Hoy to ask around. Nobody, not even Anwar, had heard from Alois at all.

Wolfgang was trying to keep himself distracted and Anika definitely helped. He didn’t want to think about young women going missing, remembering another one who had. He could feel Will’s grief and worry constantly. He knew Riley was looking after him, and the others were spending plenty of time with him as well. He wanted to help but he couldn’t bring himself to immerse himself in that all too familiar grief.

‘She’s making short work of that,’ said Rajan, walking across the living room towards the dining table.

‘She loves mango, just like her mama,’ said Wolfgang. 

Rajan leaned over to kiss Anika then thought better of it when he realised how sticky she was.

‘Good morning, poppet,’ he said to her, with one of the soppy smiles he reserved for her.

Wolfgang smiled, melting at his husband’s tenderness. No one could ever doubt how much he loved Anika. He smoothed his face out as Rajan turned to him. Rajan rested his hands on Wolfgang’s shoulders and leaned down to give him a peck on the lips. Wolfgang stood him between his legs and pulled him closer for another kiss.

A different version of the soppy smile spread across Rajan’s face, the one he reserved for Wolfgang. ‘What was that for?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Just because I wanted to.’

Rajan chuckled. ‘Sounds like a good enough reason.’ He pulled away, letting his fingers trail across Wolfgang’s shoulders as he did so. ‘So, you’re feeding Anika. Who’s feeding you?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Ah, well I was hoping for pancakes, since it’s Saturday.’

‘I think I can oblige,’ Rajan said, crossing to the kitchen area. ‘Can you ask Kala if she wants some? And banana or blueberry?’

‘She says blueberry but she only wants two so don’t do a big stack.’

‘Got it.’ He started to mix up the batter.

Anika finished her mango and Wolfgang started to clean her up before she started spreading her stickiness about.

‘Mamamama,’ Anika said, as Wolfgang lifted her out of her highchair and sat her on his lap.

‘Mama will be down in a minute, Mäuslein, with some yummy milk,’ he said.

He glanced across at Rajan in time to see his indulgent smile. ‘What?’ he asked, laughing.

Rajan shook his head. ‘If I say you’re cute, I’ll get in trouble, won’t I?’

Wolfgang scoffed. ‘I am not cute.’

‘Yes, you are,’ said Kala, as she arrived at the bottom of the stairs.

‘Oh, so you’re ganging up on me now. I see how it is.’

Kala walked across to him and kissed him, letting her elegant hand linger in his hair for a moment, before she pulled away and lifted Anika into her arms.

Anika was already making excited babbling noises, eager for her feed.

‘She polished off the rest of that mango,’ said Wolfgang. ‘She’s really hungry this morning.’

‘She needs it for all this growing she’s doing,’ said Kala, sitting down and starting to feed Anika.

Rajan poured the pancake ingredients into the mixer and set it going. He came back over to the dining room. ‘How’s Will?’ he asked.

Wolfgang glanced at him and sighed. ‘Worried. There’s still no sign of Elin.’

‘And none of you can visit her?’

‘Neither of us are connected,’ said Kala. ‘But none of her cluster can feel anything about her, nor can Will or Riley.’ She glanced at Wolfgang. ‘It looks like you were right about Alois. I’m sorry I thought you were paranoid.’

Wolfgang looked away. ‘I could only listen to my instincts. There wasn’t any reason I shouldn’t trust him except … I just felt like I couldn’t.’

‘You’ve always been good at spotting danger, Wolfie,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang raised an eyebrow. ‘I’ve had to be.’ He dropped his gaze. ‘I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.’

There was a brief silence, then Wolfgang cleared his throat. ‘So, what are we doing today? Shall we go to the park?’

Rajan crossed to him and put an arm around his shoulders. He squeezed gently and kissed the top of his head. ‘Sounds good.’

Wolfgang smiled. He enjoyed Rajan’s tenderness though there was no real reason for him to be so careful with him. He was all right. He reached round and patted Rajan’s ass affectionately. ‘Hey, shouldn’t you be in that kitchen, making my breakfast?’

Rajan rolled his eyes, but a smile played at his lips. ‘That’s right, just chain me to the kitchen.’

‘Hey, I’m up for bondage, Liebling but it’ll have to wait until the baby’s in bed.’

Kala giggled and Rajan did another eye roll then got on with making the pancakes.

‘Right, guys, we can do this,’ said the coach. Her voice was steely as she looked around her team, her gaze resting on Niki’s.

Niki looked back at her. Joss had been her coach for nearly four years now and she could see right through her. She knew her focus was off, just by looking at her.

Joss’s eyes raked over the rest of the team. ‘We’re going to go out there and show these poms exactly what us Kiwis can do!’

As always, Joss’s words got the team going. They yelled and stamped their feet and Niki could practically feel their blood pumping faster around their fit, strong bodies. They were going to do this.

‘Right, everybody out. It’s nearly time.’

They started to file out. Kiri grabbed Niki’s hand and she could feel her excitement. This was an important game.

‘Parata, hold on a sec.’

Kiri glanced back at her but Niki gave her a little push. ‘Go on, I’ll be out in a minute.’

Kiri and the rest of the team headed out and Niki looked at her coach. ‘I know what you’re going to say.’

Joss put a hand on her shoulder. ‘Your focus is all over the place. I dunno what’s going on with you and if you want to talk off the pitch, I’m here for you but …’

Niki gave her a small smile. ‘I know, I know. Get myself together.’

Joss squeezed her shoulder. ‘Is this something to do with why you went to Iceland?’

‘Yeah. A … a friend has gone missing. I’m just worried about her.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.’

‘I will.’

‘But right now …’

‘I know, Joss. Right now, I need to focus on the game.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Don’t worry. I’ve got somebody in particular to picture when I make those tackles.’

Joss paused, then her lips curled in a smile. ‘Just don’t get yourself a red card.’

Niki just laughed, then headed outside with her team. She took her place at the head of the line. Kiri was behind her. She reached back and they squeezed each other’s hands for a moment. Niki took another deep breath, centring herself. The worry for Elin still burned in her mind and her body but right now, she needed to focus on wining this game. She needed to keep living. 


	113. Chapter 113

Even though it was November, it was a lovely clear, dry day. It was sunny but crisp, not warm. A good day for a visit to the park. For Wolfgang, it was a jeans and light jacket kind of day but Kala and Rajan went for coats and scarves, though Wolfgang wasn’t complaining at the sight of his husband in that dark grey woollen overcoat. It was the one Kala had bought for their third date, the one where Wolfgang had first told him he loved him. Wolfgang had one the same but he only wore his when it was really cold.

Anika was wrapped up too, in her matching lavender coat and hat. She was in a bright, happy mood, full of mango and breastmilk and fresh from her mid-morning nap. She babbled joyfully as they walked to the park and she was very interested as she watched them lay out the blanket on some grass and get out the picnic basket. She bounced up and down in her pram, making a demanding squeal until Wolfgang lifted her out and popped her on the blanket in between Rajan and Kala. She immediately started shuffling towards the food.

Rajan laughed. ‘She takes after her Vati all right.’

‘Hey!’ Wolfgang objected, with a sandwich halfway to his mouth.

Kala giggled. ‘I see what you mean.’

‘I don’t,’ Wolfgang said, indignantly then grinned before taking a big bite of his sandwich.

He sat back and got some more mango out for Anika. Kala got in quick with her bib before Anika got sticky mango juice all over her coat.

‘Just over a week to go before we’re on that plane,’ Kala said. ‘At least it’ll be warmer in Mumbai.’

Wolfgang smiled as she wrapped her arms around herself. She still wasn’t used to the cooler weather here, even after five years. It was going to be Anika’s first time on a plane and her first time to India. Also her first time meeting her grandparents. He was nervous about it. He was always nervous when he had to see Rajan’s parents. It remained to be seen how they would act when they realised she wasn't biologically Rajan’s. They’d seen some pictures and they’d seen on her on a couple of video calls but he wasn’t sure how obvious her eyes had been. They were darker than his because of the flecks of brown. So they maybe hadn’t worked it out yet. He wasn’t looking forward to when they did.

‘You all right?’ Kala asked, laying a gentle hand on his knee.

Wolfgang realised he’d been gazing vacantly ahead, lost in his thoughts. He sat up straight, cleared his throat and nodded. ‘Yeah. Just wondering how she’s going to behave on the plane.’

‘Oh we’ll be fine between the three of us,’ said Rajan. He reached out to tickle Anika under her chin, making her shriek with delight. ‘And our little angel will be as good as gold.’

‘Do you think … do you think they’ll like her?’ asked Wolfgang.

Rajan caught his hand, brought it to his mouth and kissed his palm. ‘They’ll love her. And if my father is an ass about it, he just won’t see her. That’s up to him.’

Wolfgang smiled a little, so grateful for Rajan. He was the sort of man who put his partners and his child before anything else. He stood up for all of them. 

‘Excuse me, I’m so sorry to bother you,’ said a gentle, polite voice.

Wolfgang looked up and met the eyes of a tall, middle eastern man. He was handsome, with a well-groomed short black beard and kind brown eyes. He wore tailored trousers, a shirt and a good quality overcoat. He seemed familiar but Wolfgang couldn’t place him.

‘You are the Rasal family, aren’t you?’

Wolfgang felt a pleasant jolt in his stomach at hearing those words. He’d never been referred to like that before.

‘Yes, I’m Rajan Rasal. Can I help you?’ said Rajan, standing up.

The man’s fingers moved rapidly at his sides, then he clenched his hands into fists. ‘You’re part of Will’s cluster, aren’t you?’ he asked, looking at Wolfgang and Kala.

Wolfgang stood up, plucking Anika up with him. She squeaked indignantly but he held onto her, protective of his daughter. ‘We are. Who …’ He frowned as he remembered Will’s descriptions of his children. ‘You’re Anwar,’ he said.

Anwar nodded. ‘I am.’ He glanced over at the playground a little way away. ‘My boys are with me. They’re playing over there.’

Wolfgang glanced over. The boys were easy to spot. They were identical and were sticking close together, nervously skirting away when any of the other children came close.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘I just brought my boys to play but I was so glad to see you here, to recognise someone. I … I’m alone here.’

Kala stood and Wolfgang felt a wave of compassion from her. But he didn’t feel the same. He wasn’t sure he liked having this stranger near his family.

‘Well if your only friend is a psychopath who abducts women, you’re going to find yourself alone,’ he snapped.

Anwar flinched as though Wolfgang had raised a hand to him. Kala gave Wolfgang a sharp look.

‘That was not kind,’ she said, tightly. After a second, he realised she’d said it privately and he felt the sharp sting of disappointment from her.

He glanced at Anwar and guilt twisted his insides as he looked into those brown eyes, full of pain. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t have said that.’

Anwar shook his head. ‘You’re right. I trusted him. He helped me, and my boys. He felt like a brother and now … now I don’t feel I can trust anything.’ He sighed. ‘We’re all feeling a bit lost.’

Rafael was beside Wolfgang suddenly, gripping his shoulder. ‘Please help him. He’s a good man.’

Will was there too, though he didn’t speak. He was there only for a moment, in which he looked at Wolfgang, then at Anwar with pain in his eyes.

Kala crossed to Anwar and laid her hand on his shoulder. ‘You’re not alone anymore. Why don’t you come and sit with us? And your boys when they’ve done playing.’

Anwar gave her a warm smile. ‘Thank you.’

Wolfgang wrestled with himself, his stubborn side flaring. Rajan’s hand came to rest on the small of his back, warm and strong and he felt himself relax. He sensed nothing at all bad about Anwar, no hidden side to him. There was only kindness, compassion and a strong desire to see only the good in the world.

‘There’s plenty of food,’ he said. ‘You’re all welcome to share,’ he said, then sat down on the blanket.

Anika immediately wriggled down from his lap and took the stick of cheese Kala offered her, gumming contentedly at it.

Anwar hesitated, then sat down with them. He smiled at Anika, the way everyone who liked children smiled at babies, that bright indulgence. ‘She’s beautiful. I remember my boys at that age. So much hard work but worth it. Is she your first?’

Kala smiled. ‘She is. We know we have a lot to learn.’

‘Parenting is not easy but it is simple at the same time. You just give them all the love you can and make them feel safe.’

‘We know she’s lucky to be as safe as she is. She doesn’t have to worry about the things your boys have had to worry about.’

‘She does have that privilege, but it should not be a privilege. Every child should be safe.’

‘Your boys are safer now they’re not living with that psychopath,’ said Wolfgang, bluntly.

Kala gave him another look and he heard Rajan sigh tightly but he ignored them. ‘You need to keep them away from him.’

‘He seemed so kind,’ said Anwar, distress on his face. ‘He talked to them, bought them sweets and showed them movies. He played with them and he was helping them learn French. I do not know how I could not know what he was. I keep thinking there must be some mistake.’

‘Then where is Elin?’

Anwar shook his head. ‘I don’t know.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I heard from Alois, the next day.’

‘What did he say?’ asked Will, suddenly beside them. ‘Did he call you?’

‘A hand delivered letter came through the door. I didn’t see who brought it.’

‘You didn’t mention this before,’ said Will, his voice high with worry. ‘You didn’t tell your cluster.’

‘It contained no clues, only told me to stay in the house, that everything was paid for. I do not know where he is. I do not know where Elin is. If … if I did, I would do something. Her absence … it hurts us all so much.’ 

Wolfgang felt a stab of sympathy for Anwar. He couldn’t imagine the pain of one of his cluster going missing, of having no idea where they were. But the rest of his cluster knew. They’d experienced it when he’d been taken. He knew it remained one of the most painful things they had experienced.

He met Anwar’s eyes, knowing they were connected now and not minding. ‘You’re not alone anymore,’ he said, and felt Kala’s warm approval.

Rajan patted him on the back. ‘That’s right,’ he said. ‘You’re always welcome with us.’

Wolfgang glanced down at Anika, who had demolished her cheese stick and was now indicating to Kala that she wanted a feed. He didn’t need to protect her from Anwar. He could tell now. He was a good man, just like Will had said.


	114. Chapter 114

_He cannot move. He cannot breathe. He is trapped, held fast under a knife edge and one wrong move and he will be dead._

_Part of him wants to give up, just fall into the darkness and the emptiness and exist no longer. But the other part, the part of him that is someone else, wants to live. He wants to see them again, to feel his cluster with him like he had during those all-too-brief moments. He wants that connection._

_No, she wants it. He is a she now. He can feel the curves of this body, the slenderness of its fingers. She is lost and he is lost with her. But he can’t get hold of her, only an echo of her. That’s all she is now, just an echo._

Will jerked awake with his heart pounding in his chest and fear catching his breath in his throat. The copper tang of fear burnt his nostrils and he couldn’t escape from it. His skin was clammy and his chest clenched as he struggled to take a proper breath.

Instinctively, he reached for Riley but he didn’t find her. The bed beside him was empty. He jerked up, casting his gaze around for her. She wasn’t there.

‘Riley,’ he gasped, wincing at how hoarse his voice was. He felt for her in his mind and suddenly she was there, her body soft and warm against him. She cupped his jaw, looking into his face.

‘What is it, elskan?’

He shook his head, trying to push the nightmare away. But the images were already faded and he could only recall the fear and the feeling of being trapped. Everything else was fading away already. ‘A nightmare.’ His voice was still hoarse and he wondered if he’d been screaming in his sleep.

‘Come on,’ she said, finding his hand and squeezing. ‘I’m in the shower. Come and join me. You’ll soon feel better.’

Meekly, he did as he was told, instinctively finding his way towards her.

He cast off his t-shirt and boxers, both of which were soaked with sweat and stepped into the shower with her. Her physical self was almost blinding with its vividness, the intensity of being with her both physically and psychically seemed stronger than usual as she welcomed him into her arms. Or maybe he just needed her more right then.

She kissed him, a sweet, reassuring kiss, full of love. He held onto her, burying his face in the warm softness of her neck. She slid her hands up and down his spine, soothing and caressing as she led him under the hot shower spray so the water could wash the sweat from his body.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked, in that soft lilting voice.

He shook his head. ‘I just want to forget it.’

She gave him a gentle smile. ‘You sound like Wolfgang.’

Will glanced at where he could see Wolfgang. The German was watching them from his own bed, a confused frown on his face as he tried to understand his own nightmare. He wasn’t finding it easy, because it wasn’t his own nightmare. It was Will’s.

‘Wolfie? What’s wrong?’ Rajan asked.

Wolfgang blinked and glanced at him. ‘What?’ he asked, realising he had no idea what Rajan had said.

Rajan was sitting up in bed beside him. They were alone. Some part of Wolfgang told him that Kala was downstairs, feeding the baby. It was Sunday morning and it was their turn for a lie in.

The details of the nightmare were rapidly vanishing from his mind but one detail remained. The feeling of being trapped.

Rajan touched his shoulder gently. ‘You screamed.’ He reached up and ran a hand through Wolfgang’s hair. ‘Nightmare?’

Wolfgang nodded.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

Wolfgang shook his head. He stared blankly ahead for a moment, then abruptly turned and pressed himself into Rajan.

Rajan put his arms around him, holding him close and kissing the top of his head. ‘It’s all right. You’re safe.’

‘It doesn’t feel safe,’ said Wolfgang. He wrapped his arms around Rajan’s waist and held on tight, taking comfort in his warmth, the familiar scent of him and the gentle strength of his arms around him.

‘Just a dream,’ Rajan murmured. ‘That’s all. You’re safe.’

Wolfgang didn’t say anything, just held onto Rajan. He could feel Will’s distress too, buffeting against him but he knew Riley was with him. He took himself, in a visit, to Kala, nuzzling against her shoulder and letting her warmth surround him. He watched Anika suckling at her mama’s breast, her eyes closed and contentment written all over her face. Everything was all right, because he was with his family. He was safe. He wasn’t trapped.

Niki plonked herself down on her hotel room bed and sighed. Her hair was still damp from her post-match shower and made a wet patch on the back of her t-shirt. She could feel its coldness against her skin. It reminded her of something, but she didn’t know what.

‘Come on, Nik,’ said Kiri. ‘Don’t you want to come out and celebrate?’

Niki shook her head. ‘Not really.’ They’d won the match and everyone had played well but Niki could summon no enthusiasm for celebration. She was exhausted, physically from the match and emotionally from the worry for Elin. She felt useless and she knew she was failing her clustermate. She should have found her by now.

Kiri sighed and put her arm around Niki’s shoulders. ‘I know. All you can think about is Elin.’

‘I’m sorry I’m so useless. If you want to go out, you should go. Have some fun. You deserve it.’

Kiri combed through Niki’s wet ponytail with her fingers. ‘I’m not going to leave you, love.’

Niki leaned against her, so grateful for her. She wouldn’t be getting through this if it weren’t for Kiri. She’d always given her undying love and endless support. Kiri kissed her head.

‘I know how strongly you feel for her,’ said Kiri.

Niki looked up at her. ‘You must think I’m crazy. I’ve only met her once. I shouldn’t …’

Kiri traced her lips with one finger. ‘I understand, love. She’s part of you. She’s like family, like a lover, like part of your soul. I can feel your love for her.’

‘I feel like that about all of the cluster, except …’ She trailed off, not wanting to mention _him_. He’d betrayed everything they should have meant to each other. He’d hurt them all, was still hurting them. He didn’t deserve to be one of them.

Kiri was watching her and she smiled softly. ‘I think it’s more than that with Elin, isn’t it?’

Niki sighed. ‘I think sometimes it could be … but none of that matters right now. All that matters is finding her and making her safe.’ She looked into her girlfriend’s face. ‘Do you mind? If I do have stronger feelings for her than the others?’

Kiri cupped her cheek and kissed her tenderly on the mouth. There was just the hint of passion to it. ‘No,’ she said, against her mouth. She pulled back to look into her eyes. ‘One of the things I love most about you is your capacity to love. It’s all encompassing, passionate and there’s so much of it that even when you’re sharing it around, if feels like I’ve got all of you.’

Niki gazed at her, wonder and love blooming inside her. She caressed Kiri’s cheek with the back of her hand. ‘I love you,’ she said. ‘So much.’

Kiri beamed at her. ‘I know,’ she said, then pulled her in for another kiss, this one much more passionate than the first. ‘I love you too.’


	115. Chapter 115

The day before their flight to Mumbai, Wolfgang left Kala and Rajan packing and took Anika to visit Oma. In their five years together, they’d discovered it was best if Wolfgang and Kala stayed away from each other when packing happened. Wolfgang was a light packer, almost to the extreme and Kala was the opposite. If he was around while she fussed and stressed with outfit matching and folding, arguments were inevitable, even with Rajan to act as peacemaker.

So he was being helpful in a different way and getting Anika out of the way while they rushed around fussing with suitcases. He didn’t bother with the pram, just carried her in the wrap. She peered around from his chest, watching the passers-by. He chatted to her in a mix of Hindi and German about Mumbai and that they were going on a plane. She listened, babbling back at him in the pauses.

Oma was expecting him. She greeted them with a hug and a big smile.

‘There’s my big girl!’ she said, as Anika shrieked with delight at seeing her Oma.

Wolfgang lifted her out of the wrap and handed her over as he stepped inside. He kissed Oma’s cheek. ‘Hey, Oma. Have you got room for two refugees from Kala’s packing?’

She laughed. ‘I’ve got room and I’ve got food.’ She shut the door behind him and carried Anika over to her little kitchen. ‘Come and see what we’ve got for you, Mäuslein.’

Wolfgang shut the door behind him, then joined them. ‘What did I tell you, Ani? Oma always has tasty treats.’

Oma beamed; she loved feeding them all up. She’d made potato pancakes with little bits of leak and mushroom in them, egg muffins with slightly spicy chicken and peas, and a plate of sandwiches, all suitable for Anika but just as tasty for the grownups.

They sat down at Oma’s little dining table. They hadn’t got round to getting a highchair for Oma’s flat yet so Oma kept Anika on her lap and passed her what food she wanted.

‘So how bad is the packing?’ Oma asked.

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Think Kala’s usual packing stress plus now she’s stressing over packing Ani’s stuff too. I’m definitely better off out of it.’

Oma chuckled. ‘I suppose you’ve already packed your one holdall, have you?’

‘We’re only going for two weeks, Oma. We even have a washing machine in that flat.’

‘You’re just like your Opa. He never went anywhere with anything more than a backpack.’

Wolfgang’s smile got wider. He loved being told he was like his Opa. Although he’d never met him, he was the closest thing he had in his family to a male role model.

They were quiet for a few moments, both watching Anika eat a pancake.

‘Are you nervous?’ Oma asked, after a little while.

Wolfgang looked at her. ‘What do you mean?’

She smiled gently. ‘About Anika meeting her grandparents.’

He looked down. ‘Kala’s parents are great. They’ll dote on her. And Rajan’s mother has always been kind. I’m just …’

‘You’re worried how Rajan’s father is going to react when he realises _you’re_ Anika’s biological father.’

Wolfgang cracked his knuckles. ‘Things like this are why I hoped she’d be Rajan’s,’ he confessed. He glanced at her. ‘It wouldn’t have made any difference to me and I know it wouldn’t to you either but it’s going to make a difference to him, isn’t it?’

‘He might surprise you,’ said Oma.

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No. He won’t be happy. Either he’ll shout and yell or he’ll do the silent thing. Either way, he’ll make it clear.’

‘Rajan will stand up to him, Mäuschen. He’s done it before and he’ll do it again. He loves you, all of you so much. He won’t let you be hurt and he certainly won’t let this little lady be hurt.’

Wolfgang smiled, as Anika grinned around her egg muffin. ‘Yeah, he’ll look after us.’

Oma frowned at him. ‘There’s something else bothering you, isn’t there?’

‘It’s just cluster stuff.’

‘That girl? The one who went missing. She reminds you of your mama, doesn’t she?’

He met her eyes briefly, then looked away. ‘Will keeps dreaming about her. Or I think it’s her anyway. I can feel them too sometimes. A lot of the time. I don’t know whether it’s really her or just Will’s worries about her, but the way she feels, it’s so like how mama used to feel. Trapped. Alone. Helpless.’

Oma took a deep breath, cuddling Anika to her. ‘You have to do something to help her.’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘I know. I just feel so helpless.’

Oma got and, bringing Anika with her, came over to him. She slipped her arm around his shoulders and held him to her. Anika patted his face.

‘I know you do, Schatz. I know exactly.’

He looked up at her. ‘We’ve got a lot more power than you had, more back up. We have people all over the world searching for her. It’s just … it might not be enough.’ He pulled away. ‘I’ve never even met her. I saw her, through Will and Riley. She … she reminds me so much of Mama. She even looks a little like her. Blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin. She’s shorter but she has that same look in her eyes. The fear. The desperation to please.’

‘The look every abuse victim has,’ said Oma, flatly.

Wolfgang looked up at her, then away. They never talked about it but he knew she’d been abused by Anton Bogdanow as well.

Abruptly, he stood up. ‘I’d better go.’ He reached for his daughter and balanced her against his hip. ‘Thanks for the food, Oma.’

Oma looked at him, then cupped his cheek and looked into his eyes. ‘Talk about it, Schatz. Don’t keep this bottled up.’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘We’re all worried about Will and the other cluster. They don’t need me to add onto it.’

She looked seriously at him. ‘The last thing they need is for you to bottle this up. You know that doesn’t help.’

He looked away. People always said that but it did help. For years, he’d survived by pushing it away. How could anyone say that didn’t work? If it didn’t, he wouldn’t even be there.

He kissed her cheek. ‘I’ll come and see you when I get back. Look after Felix for me, won’t you?’

Oma smiled. ‘I always do.’ She went up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek, then bent her head to kiss Anika before she showed them out.

The moment Wolfgang got home, he knew the packing was done. All was quiet and peaceful and there were suitcases lined up by the front door. He moved into the living area and found Kala and Rajan on the sofa, leaning back and looking exhausted.

Anika announced their presence with a loud but unintelligible noise and Kala got up and came to greet them. She kissed Wolfgang, giving him a warm smile before she took Anika and took her back to the sofa for a feed.

‘I don’t know how much she’ll want,’ he said. ‘Oma made snacks.’

‘She’ll have a little,’ said Kala. ‘Even if it’s just for the comfort.’

Wolfgang took off his jacket and hung it and the wrap up on the hooks. He didn’t notice Rajan coming up behind him. He jerked, his heart racing, as he felt a hand land on his shoulder.

‘Woah, it’s just me,’ said Rajan.

Wolfgang let out a breath. ‘Sorry, didn’t hear you coming over.’

Rajan looked carefully at him, then found his hand and tugged him after him.

‘Where we going?’ Wolfgang asked.

‘You need some air,’ Rajan said, in a manner that said he wasn’t going to be accepting any arguments.

Wolfgang frowned. ‘You know I’ve just been outside, don’t you?’ he said, as Rajan led him out onto the balcony. He shut the door behind them, then rounded on Wolfgang.

‘You’re keeping things to yourself again, aren’t you?’ he demanded.

Wolfgang cleared his throat and looked away. ‘We’re all worried about Elin. That’s all.’

Rajan cupped his jaw firmly and brought his head round so they were face to face. ‘No, that’s not all.’ He softened and cupped Wolfgang’s shoulder gently. ‘Please talk to me, my love.’

‘I just … keep dreaming about her, or seeing Will’s dreams about her. I dunno, it’s just bringing up some stuff, that’s all.’

‘About your mama?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I couldn’t do anything then and I just feel like I’m doing nothing now.’

‘All of you are doing what you can. You’ve got people looking for her.’

‘I know. And I know I can’t save everyone who gets abused. I know sometimes there isn’t anything you can do. Sometimes there’s no help. It’s just …’ He stopped and swallowed, his voice breaking. He bit his lip hard, keeping the tears at bay.

Rajan just looked at him for a moment, then reached for him and tugged him into a hug. He didn’t say anything, just held him. For a moment, Wolfgang held himself stiff, but then he gave into it and sagged against Rajan, just letting him hold him. He felt Kala with them too, her arms wrapping around his chest and her warmth spreading over him. He hid his face in Rajan’s neck and just breathed in his lovers.


	116. Chapter 116

It was halfway through their flight to Mumbai and it was Wolfgang’s turn to sleep. Only trouble was, he couldn’t. He watched Rajan entertaining Anika by reading her a book and letting her eat a breadstick on his lap. It was a sight that made his heart melt, the gentle way Rajan was with her, and the trust she had in him. But despite the sweetness of the sight, it couldn’t take his mind off what was keeping him awake.

In Iceland, Will was dreaming. That same dream again, the one about feeling trapped. He glanced across at Kala. She was awake, though she looked sleepy. He wondered if she’d felt any of Will’s dreams yet. They hadn’t talked about it, none of them had. For all they went on at him for not talking about things, they were all as bad. Or maybe that was parts of his own personality seeping through to them.

He closed his eyes. He needed to sleep at some point. There was a jerk in his belly and he found himself with Will, not sharing his dream, just standing with him. He and Riley were in bed together, both asleep and dreaming in each other’s arms. There were frowns on their faces and he could feel their distress. He lingered by them, not knowing quite what to do but wanting to help.

He crouched down beside the bed and touched Will’s arm. He stirred and woke with a soft whimper. He looked around, bewildered, then his gaze settled on Wolfgang. He rubbed his hand over his face as he sat up.

‘Thought you were on your way to Mumbai.’

‘I am.’

‘Then shouldn’t you be sleeping or on baby duty?’

‘Couldn’t sleep. The same nightmare again?’

Will glanced at him, bit his lip then looked away. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to show it to you.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘These things happen.’

Beside Will, Riley stirred and woke. She sat up, running her hands through her hair. ‘Fuck,’ she muttered, then looked at them.

‘Wolfgang, what …’ She looked at Will and the fog of sleep faded. ‘Oh. The dream.’

‘Can you remember anything about it, either of you?’ Wolfgang asked.

Will sighed, rubbing his hand over his face again. ‘Just … that feeling of being trapped.’

‘Yes but not … not physically,’ said Riley. ‘She’s trapped by … by fear, by … uncertainty. It’s like she …’

‘Doesn’t know what she feels,’ finished Will.

Wolfgang nodded. ‘Is it … definitely her?’

‘It feels like her,’ said Will.

Wolfgang sighed. He reached for Will’s hand and held it. Riley laid her hand on top of his and held it. Then the rest of the cluster was with them, just for a moment. Wolfgang felt their presence ripple over him and he was so grateful for them. They gave him so much strength and he didn’t know how he would survive without them. How would Elin survive without her cluster?

Her skin was so soft beneath his fingertips and he loved the way she trembled as he trailed his hand across her stomach. He loved the way her gaze focused on him, the fear deliciously visible in her eyes. It was fear she wasn’t even conscious of, which made it better. All she knew was that she wanted to please him.

But he could feel the confusion in her as well. She wanted to ask the question but she couldn’t quite summon the courage. He liked her like this. He wondered how far he could take it, how far he could take her. As far as he took Lisette?

He shivered with pleasure as he remembered. It was the look in her eyes that stayed with him, the utter hopelessness in those pretty blue eyes. He could only imagine what she had felt like as he had talked her to her lowest point, as he had helped her see that death would be a release from that pain.

But if he’d been able to feel how she felt? How wonderful would that be? Not just to _see_ it, to _imagine_ it, but to really experience it with her? That would be the ultimate experience, the ultimate thrill. Not just to watch the light fade from pretty blue eyes, but to feel it, to experience that moment of death. It needed to happen. He needed to make it happen.

When the time was right.

Alois smiled at Elin and watched those pretty blue eyes light up under his approval. Yes, when the time was right.

_Strong hands clench around a pretty, white throat. A harsh voice hisses, spit flying as he speaks hateful, hurtful words._

_A cry, a slim weak body wracked with pain._

_He reaches for her, desperate to save her but he is just as helpless. A spurt of red. The stink of blood in his nostrils, cloying in his throat. He can’t get to her. He can’t get close enough to save her. He isn’t strong enough._

Wolfgang jerked awake, startled to find himself still on the plane. His vision swam and his breath seemed to catch in his throat. He gasped for breath, reaching for something, anything that would help ground him.

He felt the solid armrest of his seat and he gripped it tight. He looked around. The lights were dimmed and most people were asleep. Even Anika was asleep, in her basinet in her own seat. Rajan and Kala were also asleep. Not wanting to disturb them but needing something, Wolfgang took himself away.

It was Sun he found himself with. She was alone, on the terrace of the apartment she shared with Kwan-Ho. She was going through her moves, with a slow and even pace. It was her form of meditation and it had helped him before.

Her gaze met his, with understanding, and neither of them spoke as he copied her stance and followed her moves. He copied her breathing too, slow and deep and even. He could feel it calming him. That and the air and the light of the city of Seoul around him.

At length, she finished her workout and reached for him. Her hand was warm as she brushed his shoulder and he could feel her presence so strongly.

‘Do you want to talk?’ she asked.

He shook his head. He wasn’t sure he _could_ speak. He felt numb, soundless.

Capheus’s hand was warm as it landed gently on the small of his back. He could feel the softness and the strength of his touch through his shirt.

‘You’re not alone,’ he said.

Then Nomi was there, a little breathless, and he knew she felt an echo of what he was feeling. Maybe some of it mixed with the traumas of her own past. She studied him, as though he were a string of coding that was giving her trouble.

‘A memory?’ she asked.

He couldn’t answer her. He still didn’t have the words. He didn’t have any words. Then Kala was there, her warmth surrounding him like a blanket as she tugged him to her bosom and held him, so tight and firm. He closed his eyes, focusing only on them and not on the dream.

Lito wrapped his arms around both of them at once, hugging them tight for a moment, before letting them go and settling his hand in a caress at the nape of Wolfgang’s neck.

‘You can talk to us,’ he said. ‘We will always listen.’

‘Talking is hard,’ said Sun. She knew. She understood, perhaps better than any of them.

Though that wasn’t fair. They all understood him. They could feel him, see inside his mind the way nobody else could. It had its downsides but at least he didn’t have to talk.

‘It is a memory,’ said Will.

Wolfgang looked at him, hoping he could find the words for him. Will cupped his shoulder, squeezed lightly, then let his thumb rub back and forth across his collarbone.

‘Not just a memory,’ said Riley. She met Wolfgang’s gaze with understanding in her soft brown eyes, but then her focus shifted to Will. ‘You can feel it too?’ she asked him.

Will started and stood up straighter. ‘It’s not just a memory,’ he said, alarm tightening his voice.


	117. Chapter 117

Wolfgang knew that Rajan could tell something was bothering him. He’d been quiet the rest of the flight since his nightmare. It still confused him, and the others too. It was a memory, but it wasn’t as well. He couldn’t get it straight in his mind. It was something that had happened, years ago, something he’d seen. But it was also something he was afraid was happening again.

The Indian heat hit them like a wall as they left the airport. Kala carried Anika in the wrap, while Rajan and Wolfgang carried the luggage. Wolfgang was aware of them both keeping an eye on him as they got in the taxi and drove to their apartment. Wolfgang was glad they weren’t meeting the family until the next day. He needed to sleep, properly sleep without nightmares. If that was possible. Maybe he could take something.

He smiled as he listened to Kala chatting to Anika about Mumbai. He was sitting in the back with her, the car seat in the middle. Rajan was in front, talking amiably to the taxi driver, though he kept glancing back at him. Wolfgang knew he was worried about him. How did he always know? He thought he was getting better at hiding it. Clearly not.

He took Anika’s hand and she gave him one of her big grins. It wasn’t toothless anymore. She had a couple of teeth in the front now. She gave him so much comfort and so much happiness. He’d never imagined he could fall in love and now, he was completely in love with his two spouses and the daughter they had created together. He had never thought it was possible but there it was.

It felt impossible that they would find Elin, that they would be able to pull her back from whatever Alois had pulled her into. But maybe it wasn’t. Maybe she was somebody he could save.

‘Look, Anika,’ said Kala, as they stepped into their apartment. ‘This is our other home.’

After sleeping so much on the flight, Anika was wide awake and looking around curiously. Kala started to walk her around, showing her everything. Wolfgang wanted to join in but, as he put the luggage he was carrying down, he suddenly felt so tired.

Rajan sidled up beside him and slipped his arm around his shoulders. ‘You look exhausted, my love.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I’m all right. Just jetlag.’

Rajan looked doubtfully at him. ‘Are you sure, love? Kala said you had a nightmare.’

He pulled a face. ‘It was nothing.’

‘Wolfie, you really should talk about it,’ Rajan said, gently.

He huffed. ‘Leave it out, Raj, I’m not in the mood.’

‘Wolfie …’ Rajan said, starting to massage his shoulder.

Wolfgang pulled away. ‘I’m going for a nap. Wake me up if you need me to help with the baby,’ he said, knowing they would just let him sleep.

He grabbed his flight bag, then headed upstairs. He chose one of the spare bedrooms, in case they wanted to put Anika down for a nap in her cot bed in the master bedroom.

He took his shoes and jeans off, then sat on the bed and dug in his flight bag. He brought out the three mini bottles of vodka he’d got on the plane. He opened them and downed them one after the other. Then he lay down on the bed and went to sleep, hoping for no more dreams.

Rafael woke to the feeling of warmth beside him. He turned into it, burying his face in the warm shoulder he knew so well. Strong arms wrapped around him and a soft mouth pressed a kiss to the top of his jaw, just below his ear. The scent of his lover filled his nostrils and his presence washed over him.

‘Hey,’ he murmured, kissing Teddy’s bare shoulder.

‘Hi, I was missing you,’ Teddy said. His soft voice, with its mix of Jamaican and Scouse accent, was so familiar to Rafael now, and so loved.

He pulled back to look at him, taking in the sight of him. Teddy was naked, like Rafael, except for his boxer shorts and his silver cross necklace. Rafael took in his smooth mahogany skin, his sweet face, his gentle smile and his warm brown eyes. He hadn’t known it was possible to love someone this much but he did. He loved him so much.

Teddy smiled shyly and Rafael felt a burst of affection for him. His shyness was endearing.

Rafael leaned into him and kissed him tenderly on those soft, warm lips. ‘I love you.’

Teddy smiled again, showing his dimples. ‘I love you too.’

They snuggled up together, in each other’s arms. Rafael felt safe and settled like this, cuddled together. If he could stay like this for the rest of his life, he would.

‘I keep thinking about Elin,’ Teddy said.

Rafael looked into his face for a moment, then sighed, resting his head on Teddy’s shoulder.

Teddy cupped his jaw, gently tracing his light beard, barely more than stubble. ‘So do I,’ he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. ‘I keep thinking I can feel her but then I reach for her and she isn’t there.’

Rafael sighed again. ‘So do I. I keep dreaming about her but I don’t know whether it’s real or … or just because I _want_ to feel her. I …’ His voice broke and he swallowed hard. ‘I feel like we failed her. That we didn’t … we didn’t do enough. That … whatever happens to her, it’s our fault.’

‘It’s not our fault,’ said Teddy, fiercely. ‘It’s Alois. He’s the one who took her away from us. He’s the one who’s broken us up. We should be together, a proper cluster, like Will’s. But we’re not, just because of him.’

He turned to look at Rafael again. ‘I hate him. And I hate the way he makes me feel. He’s made me hateful. I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t want to feel like this now.’

‘It’s a natural way to feel.’

Teddy reached up and held onto his cross. ‘God’s word says we should forgive.’

‘God knows you’re only human,’ said Rafael. He kissed Teddy’s shoulder, trailing his fingers across his well-muscled chest.

They lay together in silence for a few minutes, just caressing each other tenderly. At length, Rafael spoke again, his voice barely more than a whisper.

‘Do you think she’s still alive?’

Teddy just looked at him, then reached for him and tugged him closer. He had no answer. All he could do was hold his lover. All Rafael could do was be held.


	118. Chapter 118

Since the day she’d got back to Cardiff, Mari hadn’t taken on any more clients. She’d finished the jobs she had, then all her energy had been put into trying to find anything she could about Elin. In the process, she had discovered a few things about Alois she wished she’d known earlier.

Three people. Three people he’d been close to had killed themselves. Anwar said he just had a tragic past but Mari had had enough of giving Alois the benefit of the doubt. After a person kidnapped someone she cared about, she lost the ability to think the best of them.

For all the work she’d put in, she didn’t feel any closer to finding out where Alois had taken Elin. There was no trace of them on any of the usual channels.

She started thinking about which country they could have gone to. She knew Elin only had family in Iceland so she was unlikely to have a connection elsewhere. Alois had family in France, Germany and England so any of those. Or none of them. They could have gone somewhere they were unknown completely.

If only she could get into the flight records. That would at least give her a starting point of which country to look in. Even if they’d moved on after that, it would be something.

Staring at her computer she started to tap her fingers, beating the rhythm of the song she was listening to out on her desk. The movement, one of her stims, usually helped her to think but today it wasn’t helping enough. Her worry for Elin pulsed at her, scrambling her thoughts and she couldn’t get her brain to co-operate. The feelings were too strong.

‘Can I help?’ asked Tora, her mouth close to Mari’s ear and her voice so soft.

Mari leaned back into her and felt her slight but strong arms wrap around her. That was one of the secret things she knew about Tora that other people didn’t know. She was strong, so much stronger than she looked. She was slim and slight but she had this strength in her, hidden beneath that unlikely exterior. 

‘Just trying to think.’

‘Take your time,’ said Tora. She drew Mari’s long dark hair away from her shoulder and kissed her neck tenderly. It felt good. Sexual but also a comfort.

‘It’s hard when there’s so many feelings involved. Not just mine, how much I care about her but everyone’s emotions just battering at me.’

‘I know. I can feel it too.’ Her arms were around her abdomen and, without Mari even having to say, Tora tightened them, giving her that pressure she needed. It did help.

‘Nomi,’ she said, suddenly.

Tora looked at her. ‘That’s one of Will’s cluster.’

‘Mmm, she’s a hacker. She might be able to get into the flight records.’ She sat up, dislodging Tora’s arms. But Tora stayed with her, watching her and waiting.

‘We need Will,’ Mari said. She turned and suddenly she and Tora were with Will.

He looked … awful. His eyes were red and his face was tear-stained. Although it was night for him, he wasn’t in bed. He was sitting on the sofa, alone, and staring blankly ahead.

‘Will,’ said Mari, quietly. She didn’t want to startle him.

He looked up at them, then sat up suddenly. ‘Mari! Tora! Have you found something? Have you found her?’

Mari shook her head. ‘Not yet.’ She glanced at Tora, lost suddenly. She could feel Will’s emotions too, his worry and his hope. His anger and his denial. It was so much to take in.

Tora slipped an arm around her waist. ‘Nomi,’ she said. ‘We need Nomi.’

Will frowned at them. ‘What for?’

Mari couldn’t get it together to speak, so she switched to sign. ‘We need Nomi to hack into the flight records. Find out where they went.’

Hope flared in Will as he watched Mari’s hands and he nodded. His gaze became unfocused for a moment and they knew she was talking to Nomi. Then he came back to them.

‘She’s looking into it now,’ he said, signing as well for Mari’s benefit. ‘She’s confident she can do it but says it’ll take some time.’ He looked between them. ‘Do you really think we could find her like this?’

‘It’s a place to start,’ signed Mari.

Tora nodded, then she frowned at Will. ‘You look awful,’ she said, bluntly.

Will smiled a little and Mari felt a bubble of affection in him for Tora’s straight-talking way. ‘I’ve not been sleeping well,’ he said, rubbing a hand through his hair.

‘Make yourself a hot drink and go to bed,’ said Tora, sternly. ‘Riley will be there with you if you have bad dreams.’

Will looked surprised, then amused. Then he nodded. ‘All right. You know I’m used to being the one who looks after people around here.’

‘Even you need to be looked after sometimes. Let your cluster help you,’ Tora ordered.

Will smiled. ‘All right, I’m going to bed.’ He hesitated. ‘Thanks.’

Mari leaned against Tora and they found themselves back in her flat. ‘You know, I’m feeling rather tired too.’

Tora grinned at her. ‘Then you should go to bed.’

Mari grasped her by the arm and tugged her close. ‘Not without you,’ she said and kissed her.

Wolfgang jerked awake to the feeling of being watched. He sat up, scanning the room for danger. There was none. Instead, his gaze settled on Rajan and he sagged.

‘Hi,’ he said, thickly.

Rajan was standing in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe with his arms folded across his chest. He looked at Wolfgang for a moment, a frown settling on his brow. Wolfgang looked away. His lover’s gaze was searching and seeing too much for his liking.

‘Everything okay?’ Wolfgang asked.

‘I was going to ask you the same question,’ said Rajan. ‘What’s going on, Wolfie?’

Wolfgang didn’t reply. He lay back down, scrabbling for the blanket behind him and pulling it over himself. ‘I’m just trying to catch up on sleep. Am I needed?’

‘No. Kala and Anika are both asleep.’

Wolfgang closed his eyes, though he was far too tense to sleep.

‘More nightmares?’ Rajan asked, suddenly much nearer.

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I guess.’

Rajan sighed and Wolfgang tried to detect if there was an edge to the sigh, whether he was getting pissed off with him yet. He didn’t know why he did this. It was like he was deliberately trying to provoke Rajan, yet he hated it when they argued.

But Rajan was being careful still and Wolfgang felt him climb onto the bed behind him. He leaned into him. ‘I thought you might want some company,’ he said, his warm breath tickling Wolfgang’s ear. He slipped under the covers with Wolfgang and his hand came to rest on his waist.

‘I don’t think you should be alone if you’re worried about having a bad dream.’

Wolfgang swallowed down the feelings that threatened to shatter his deliberately fashioned cool. Even when he was being stubborn and frustrating, Rajan was the epitome of calm and patience. It took a lot to rile him and Wolfgang had only succeeded a few times. At last, he allowed himself to relax into Rajan’s gentle embrace.

Rajan slid his arm properly around him and tugged him close, pressing his chest to Wolfgang’s back. He kissed Wolfgang’s shoulder and Wolfgang could feel the firm pressure of his lips through his t-shirt.

‘Just relax, my love,’ Rajan murmured. ‘I’m here with you.’

Wolfgang settled against him, allowing himself to drift back towards sleep, feeling safer and more at peace in Rajan’s arms. But part of his mind was thinking about the empty vodka bottles he’s hastily hidden in the bedside drawer. Another part was wondering when he’d have the chance to buy some more.


	119. Chapter 119

Will wrapped his arms around Riley, burying his face in the warmth of her shoulder. She hadn’t been awake when he’d slipped into bed with her, after a having a drink of herbal tea, and he hadn’t meant to wake her. But she was stirring now and turning into him.

She opened her eyes and looked searchingly at him. ‘All right, elskan?’ she asked, softly.

He nodded. ‘Yeah.’

She raised an eyebrow. ‘You look tired.’

‘That’s why I’ve come to bed.’

She traced his cheek with a gentle touch. His stubbly cheek. When was the last time he’d shaved? He couldn’t remember.

‘I know you haven’t been sleeping well,’ she said, gently.

He sighed. ‘I keep dreaming about her whenever I drop off and I don’t know whether they’re real or … or it’s just my imagination.’

‘Is it still the same ones? About being trapped?’

He nodded again. ‘Yeah.’ He leaned into her and buried his face in her shoulder. She could feel her warmth through her t-shirt, one of his own that she often wore to bed. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close. He felt her soft mouth dropping kisses into his hair and it brought him some comfort.

But nothing could take away the guilt twisting his insides. He should have protected Elin better. He should have seen this was going to happen. He should never have allowed his feelings to cloud his judgement. He’d had a responsibility to keep his cluster and his children safe and he’d failed them. He’d failed them all.

He should have listened to Wolfgang. _He’d_ known that Alois couldn’t be trusted. _His_ instincts had been correct. Why hadn’t he listened to his clustermate, his friend? Wolfgang’s upbringing had taught him to spot danger, more than any of the rest of theirs. Why hadn’t Will listened to him?

Mari woke to the rumbling vibration of her phone ringing on her bedside table. She rubbed her eyes, trying to bring herself rapidly to consciousness. She’d always been slow to wake up. She realised Tora was still with her, spooning up behind her. They were both naked, after their lovemaking before they’d gone to sleep.

She raised her head, dropping a kiss on Mari’s shoulder. ‘Aren’t you going to answer that?’

Mari glanced looked at her phone screen. Someone was trying to video call her. She sat up, grabbed for a t-shirt and pulled it on before she answered the call.

A blonde woman appeared on the screen. She was pretty, with an angular face, freckles on her pale skin and blue eyes. She had a serious expression, which was aided by her glasses but she smiled at Mari in greeting.

‘Hi, I hope you don’t mind me calling? Did I get the time zone right? It’s not too early, is it? I suck at time zones.’

‘It’s okay. I don’t mind. Erm, who are you?’

‘Oh, shoot, I forgot you wouldn’t know. I’ve seen you, of course, through Will, but I forgot you hadn’t seen me yet. I’m Nomi.’

‘Oh!’ said Mari, glancing at Tora, who sat up beside her, keeping the blanket wrapped around her for modesty, even though Nomi couldn’t see her. ‘Hi. It’s good to meet you. Erm, how did you get my number?’

Nomi smiled, a little mischief firing in her blue eyes. ‘I have my ways. The only way to keep your number private is to use burner phones.’

Mari shrugged. ‘Yeah. I have tapped the occasional phone myself but I’ve never done anything I needed to hide in my own life!’

Nomi smiled. ‘I didn’t either until I became a Sensate.’

‘Have you found something already?’

Nomi nodded. ‘It didn’t take as long as I told Will but I wanted him to get some sleep. He’s barely slept since Elin went missing and I don’t think he’s slept at all these last two nights.’

Mari glanced at Tora again. ‘Tora sent him to bed.’ She smiled. ‘She’s quite strict when she wants to be.’

Tora gave her a look, but then grinned and settled her arm around her, giving her a kiss on the shoulder.

Mari returned her attention to Nomi. ‘Did you find out where they went? I can go there straight away. I don’t have any clients right now.’

‘There’s no record of them leaving Iceland,’ said Nomi. ‘I checked flight records, ferry and even boat hire. There’s no record at all of them leaving. It’s possible they obtained false identities before they left but I couldn’t find any evidence of that. I even managed to get access to the CCTV at the airport. No sign of them at all.’

‘So they’re probably still there?’

‘Most likely. It’s possible they found some other way off the island but I’d start with Iceland.’

‘Then we need to go back there.’ She bit her lip. ‘We should never have left.’

‘We didn’t know,’ said Tora, gently. She rubbed Mari’s back. ‘I’m going to come this time. I want to help.’

‘It’s a long way,’ said Mari. ‘Are you sure?’

Tora nodded. ‘I want to be with you.’ She smiled. ‘We already talked about meeting, didn’t we? I don’t see any reason why we should wait.’

‘Do me a favour,’ said Nomi.

Mari returned her attention to Nomi.

‘Wait a couple of hours before you tell Will you’re coming. He’s finally asleep and I want him to make the most of it while he can.’

Mari nodded. ‘Sure. I can understand that. I’ll sort things out with my cluster before I tell him we’re descending on him.’ She smiled, exchanging a glance with Tora. ‘I think Niki will insist on coming, world cup or no world cup!’

Nomi gave her a broad smile. ‘That’s what cluster love is. You’d do anything for each other.’

Mari looked into Nomi’s eyes. ‘Anything,’ she said, with feeling. She’d never felt as strongly, as certain about anything else in her life. She would do anything for her cluster. Anything at all.

_His weight is suffocating, pinning him to the ground beneath him. He cannot move. He cannot fight. He cannot even breathe._

_Pain pulses at him and he cries out, struggling to wrench himself away. His opponent is too big, too strong. He is helpless._

_But then the softness starts, the gentle touch and the silky words which drip into his ear like poison. He cannot wrench himself away from them either._

Wolfgang woke with a strangled cry. His body was drenched with sweat and he was trembling. He glanced behind him and saw that Rajan was still there, still asleep. At least he’d managed to quiet his cry in time. He didn’t want Rajan knowing.

Carefully, he eased himself out of Rajan’s gentle embrace and got up. The apartment was still and quiet. He knew Kala was still asleep, with Anika in the master bedroom. Part of him wanted to go out, run this feeling off, maybe go somewhere to buy some alcohol but he was still shaking and he couldn’t face being seen like this, even by strangers.

Instead he went to the kitchen. He knew they didn’t keep any hard liquor in the house but there was always wine. Lots of it was expensive wine, because Rajan loved to get the best things. But there was plenty of ordinary wine as well, though he wouldn’t go as far as to call it cheap stuff. Rajan didn’t do cheap. But it was inexpensive enough for Wolfgang to not feel bad for drinking it.

He dug out one with a high alcohol content and opened it quickly. He took a swig from the bottle, then headed to the couch. He sat down, taking another long drink. He sat there, just drinking in silence until the shaking stopped and the pleasant tingle of tipsiness replaced it. Then he lay down, tugged the throw over himself and closed his eyes. He drained the bottle and let himself fall into the oblivion of a hopefully-dreamless sleep.


	120. Chapter 120

Wolfgang woke to familiar voices nearby. He fought through the fogginess of his mind and became aware of where he was. He was still on the sofa, almost buried under the throw. Two empty wine bottles were on the floor beside the sofa and Rajan and Kala were walking across the living room.

He grabbed the bottles and hid them beside him under the throw just a moment before Rajan walked up to him.

‘Here you are,’ Rajan said softly. ‘I was worried.’

‘’M all right,’ he mumbled. He glanced around and Kala stepped into his line of sight, with Anika balanced on her hip.

‘Bad dreams?’ she asked, gently.

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I guess.’

‘Maybe go for a swim,’ she said. ‘That might help.’

He averted his gaze from hers. ‘Yeah, I will in a while.’

Rajan and Kala exchanged concerned glances. Wolfgang closed his eyes, not wanting to see it. He felt Rajan sit on the end of the sofa and rest his hand on Wolfgang’s calf.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he asked.

Wolfgang shook his head, keeping his eyes closed. He didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted to forget about it. He didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted oblivion.

‘You really should talk about it,’ said Kala.

‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ he snapped, raising his voice.

Anika started fussing and he opened his eyes to look at her, guilt twisting his insides. He couldn’t lose his temper, not in front of his daughter. He closed his mouth tightly, pushing everything down. He couldn’t afford to let it out.

Rajan was still watching him, concern on his face. Then he leaned forward, reaching for Wolfgang’s hand. But as the sofa dipped, the bottles clinked together. Rajan tugged the throw off, revealing the empty bottles.

There was a moment where Rajan and Kala both stared at him and Wolfgang kept his gaze away. He didn’t want to see what Rajan thought. He didn’t need to look at Kala to know how she was feeling; angry, shocked, disappointed and, most of all, hurt that he’d chosen to do this rather than talk to her.

After a long silence, he risked a glance at Rajan’s face. The only signs of his anger were his knitted eyebrows and the slight clenching of his jaw.

‘Kala, maybe you should take Anika for a walk.’

‘Hey, I have things to say about this as well,’ she objected.

‘Then say them to him in your head,’ started Rajan.

‘I am here, you know,’ said Wolfgang, grumpily.

Rajan didn’t react, just kept speaking to Kala. ‘I don’t think Anika needs to be around for this.’

Kala bit her lip, then looked at Wolfgang. ‘We’ll talk about this when I get back.’

Wolfgang just nodded. Kala took herself and Anika off for a walk.

For a long moment, Rajan was silent, staring ahead, not even looking at him. Wolfgang shifted uncomfortably, wincing as the bottles clinked together again. He hated this. Why didn’t Rajan just get it over with? Shout at him. Punch him. Throw him out. Any of that.

Except Rajan would never do that. He might shout if he got really wound up but the rest of it, never.

_Fuck, why can’t he just do something, say anything._

‘I’ll replace the wine,’ Wolfgang said.

‘It’s not about the damn wine,’ snapped Rajan. He grabbed the bottles and took them over to the recycling.

Wolfgang got up off the sofa. ‘Then what is it about? Can’t I have a drink when I want?’

Rajan looked back at him. ‘One drink or two or even three wouldn’t worry me, Wolfie. But you drank two bottles to yourself in a night. Don’t you think that’s a problem?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I needed to sleep. That’s all. It’s not a big deal.’

‘Not a big deal?’ Rajan asked, his voice rising now. ‘What about Anika? Do you honestly want to be a dad she sees getting drunk and passing out every night?’

Wolfgang winced. ‘I wouldn’t … I’m not …’ He trailed off. He didn’t have an answer to that. That was the last thing he wanted.

‘Are you turning into an alcoholic?’ asked Rajan. ‘Do I need to get rid of all the alcohol because I will do that to help you.’

Wolfgang turned away. ‘It was nothing. I was tired but I couldn’t sleep. That’s all. Now I know you’re going to be funny about it, I won’t do it again.’

‘For god’s sake, stop being flippant and fucking talk to me!’

‘Believe me, flippant is better. You don’t want to hear about what’s in my head.’

‘Yes, I do, Wolfie. Why do you think I’ve been trying to get you to talk all these years? For the good of my health? No, for the good of yours, Wolfie.’

Wolfgang scowled. ‘There’s nothing wrong with me.’

‘Except for being the most frustrating man alive.’

Wolfgang clenched his fists. ‘Then do something about it. Fucking beat some sense into me or something.’

Rajan let out a breath. ‘I’m not going to hit you, Wolfie. I don’t even want to argue with you.’

He crossed the distance between them and looked into Wolfgang’s eyes. ‘I just want you to be okay, Wolfie, and you’re not. Anyone can see you’re not.’

Wolfgang felt a sudden lump rise in his throat. Fuck, it really would be easier if Rajan just hit him, instead of all this emotional stuff. ‘I don’t … I can’t …’ He looked into Rajan’s kind brown eyes, so full of warmth and love, despite his frustration. ‘I’m sorry.’

Rajan didn’t say anything, just reached for Wolfgang and tugged him into a close embrace. Wolfgang held himself stiff for a moment, then relaxed into the embrace, burying his face in Rajan’s warm neck.

‘I’m not mad,’ Rajan whispered. ‘I just wish you’d come to us instead of seeking oblivion in the bottom of a bottle.’

‘Oblivion always worked before.’

‘It can’t be the way anymore, Wolfie,’ said Rajan, dropping a kiss into his hair. ‘Not now. Not with Anika.’

There was that guilt again. He pulled away, just enough so that he could look into Rajan’s face. ‘It wasn’t that I wasn’t thinking about her. I always think about her.’

Rajan touched his cheek gently. ‘I know you do, love.’

Wolfgang focused on Rajan’s mouth so he wouldn’t have to look into his eyes. ‘I just didn’t want her to have to hear me screaming.’

Rajan hesitated and Wolfgang felt his intake of breath. He cupped Wolfgang’s cheek, tracing his fingertips over his stubble. ‘Wolfie,’ he murmured, so much love in just that one word. ‘You’re so brave.’

There was that lump in his throat again and he didn’t know what to say.

‘You’re always thinking of us, aren’t you?’ Still cupping his cheek, he looked into his eyes. ‘You can lean on us, you know.’ He smiled gently. ‘We can take it.’

Wolfgang didn’t need to say anything else, because Rajan tugged him close and held him. It was a firm, loving embrace and all Wolfgang could do was give into it. He knew Kala still wanted to talk to him and he knew she wasn’t happy. But in that moment, Rajan had him and he felt safe, for the first time in quite a while.


	121. Chapter 121

_He looks down at her as she lies on the hospital bed. She is still, so still and silent. Her blonde hair is limp with neglect and her eyes are closed so he cannot see their colour._

_He knows her. He knows her so well. She is part of him._

_Something beeps, monitoring her heartbeat. An IV is attached to the back of her hand, keeping her sedated and hydrated._

_Electrodes are attached to her temples._

_He has to rescue her. He has to save her. He has to bring her home._

_He reaches for her, expecting to feel her soft, white skin beneath his hand. But there is nothing. He cannot reach her._

Will jerked awake, panting hard and feeling sweat drip down his brow. He reached for Riley, tugging her close for a little comfort. She responded to his arm around her, turning into him and returning the embrace.

She opened her eyes and looked at him. ‘Another dream?’

He nodded. ‘Yeah. ‘It was like I was back in BPOs facility when we got you out. Only …’ He frowned. ‘It was all so vague. But I don’t think it was you on that bed.’

She looked at him with compassion in her warm brown eyes. ‘It was Elin?’ she asked.

He nodded. ‘Yeah.’ He shook his head. ‘It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just my subconscious worrying about her. I just wish I knew where she was. I wish I could just _feel_ something about her.’

Riley looked away from him suddenly. ‘You’ve got company.’

Will looked and saw Mari and Niki standing looking at him. Mari was stimming, tapping her fingers in fast movements against her thighs and he could feel her anxiety. Niki was still and her expression serious. He could feel her determination but he could also see a light in her eyes that hadn’t been there before and a hope blossoming inside her.

He sat up. ‘What’s happened?’

‘Nomi could find no trace of them leaving Iceland,’ said Niki. ‘We think they must still be there somewhere. Mari and I are already on our way over. Tora’s coming too but she doesn’t want us to wait for her. We need to start working out where Elin might be.’ She looked between from Will to Riley and back again. ‘Can either of you think of anywhere they could hide out?’

Will frowned and turned to look at Riley. ‘Do you think … could that dream actually mean something?’

Riley shrugged. ‘It’s somewhere to start. That place … BPO don’t use it anymore, do they?’

‘No. They cleared out after we killed Whispers. I can’t see why he’d go there but I suppose we ought to check it out.’

‘If it’s an ex-scientific facility, it’ll be locked up, won’t it?’ Mari asked.

Will nodded. ‘Probably.’ He smiled. ‘But Wolfgang can get us in.’

Wolfgang sat with his eyes closed, his head resting against Rajan’s shoulder and Rajan’s arm around him. Rajan’s hand had slipped up underneath his t-shirt and his thumb was rubbing gentle circles over the skin at his waist.

He was trying not to think, trying to keep his focus on Rajan. He breathed in the scent of him and felt surrounded by his warmth and his softness. He held him, firm but gentle. Wolfgang knew he pushed things, sometimes unconsciously but just as often he knew what he was doing and he couldn’t stop himself. But no matter what, Rajan had always been there for him.

There was a warm, fluttery feeling in his belly at the certain knowledge that he always would be there for him. He didn’t just love Wolfgang for Kala. Rajan loved him for who he was and he’d promised he always would.

Wolfgang fiddled with his ring, the ring Rajan and Kala had given him. The titanium was still smooth though not quite as shiny after nearly a year of wear. He slid it down his finger so he could reread the inscription, _du has unsere Herzen_. He ran his finger over it, feeling the words. He had to remember them. He had to remember that he could trust them with his pain as much as he could trust them with his pleasure.

He had to get himself together, for their sake. For Anika’s sake. They were his family and he owed it to them to be his best self. He couldn’t let Anika grow up seeing him drink himself into oblivion. He couldn’t let her see him becoming his father.

‘Rajan,’ he murmured.

Rajan turned his head and kissed the top of his head. ‘Yes, my love?’

‘Do you think … I could … Raj … I don’t want to become my father.’

Rajan tugged him closer and held him tight. ‘You’re nothing like him, Wolfie.’

‘I am though. I’ve got his skill with safes. I can shoot like him, throw a punch like him. I turn to alcohol when I feel like shit. What if … I’m like him in more ways?’

Rajan was quiet for a moment and Wolfgang sat up to look at him. He was frowning a little as he thought about it. Then he sighed.

‘I’m good at maths and accounts like my father. I can be stubborn and forthright about my own opinion like my father. I know I have some of the same traits that make him the lovely, tolerant person he is. But I choose not to be like him. Instead of telling people how to live their lives, I restrain myself to doing hospital corners on the bed and making sure your shirts are hung up properly. I know it’s not the same thing but …’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Yeah, I get what you’re saying.’ 

‘You’re not your father, Wolfie. Your actions dictate who you are, not your genetics.’

Before Wolfgang could reply, the door opened and Kala came back. Wolfgang glanced round at her. Her mouth was a thin line and she frowned at him.

‘It’s all right,’ he said. ‘Rajan’s already shouted at me, saved you the job.’

She didn’t say anything. She crossed the room, carefully taking a sleeping Anika out of her wrap and handing her to Rajan.

‘I’m not going to shout at you,’ she said, gently. ‘I just want to know that you’re not going to make a habit of this.’

‘I’m not planning on.’

‘Good.’ She reached out and touched his cheek gently. ‘What’s going on, Wolfgang?’

He sighed, heavily. ‘The nightmares have come back. Like before. Like … like after Whispers.’

‘Has something triggered them?’

Wolfgang shrugged, looking down. ‘I dunno. I guess … maybe all this stuff with Elin and Alois. Maybe becoming a parent, bringing Anika to meet the family. All of it. I dunno.’

She combed her fingers through his hair. ‘Are you talking to Corinne? If not, I think you should.’

He nodded. ‘I will. I’ll talk to her.’

‘Sorry, is this a bad time?’ asked Will, suddenly standing near the sofa.

Wolfgang and Kala looked up at him. Rajan watched them, wondering who they were looking at.

‘No, it’s fine,’ said Wolfgang. ‘What is it?’

Will chewed his lip anxiously. ‘We think it’s a possibility Alois and Elin are hiding in BPOs old facility here in Reykjavik.’ He smiled. ‘We need a burglar.’


	122. Chapter 122

Getadelt wird, wer Schmerzen kennt  
Vom Feuer, das die Haut verbrennt  
Ich werfe ein Licht  
In mein Gesicht  
Mein heißer Schrei  
Feuer frei

The heavy metal beat of his favourite Ramstein song jerked Felix out of his sleep with a start. For a moment, he looked around his shop, confused at where the noise was coming from. Then he realised it was his phone. He sat up straighter in his armchair and dug in his pocket for his phone.

He grinned when he saw his brother’s name on the screen. He’d only seen him a couple of days ago but now that he was halfway around the world in India, he was missing him, missing not be able to head over to see him whenever he wanted.

‘Wolfie!’ he shouted down the phone.

‘Hey, Felix,’ said Wolfgang. He sounded a bit wobbly and Felix was immediately concerned.

‘What’s up, Wolfie?’ Felix asked, sitting back in his armchair.

‘Nothing. I need a favour.’

‘Anything for you, Wolfie.’

He heard a soft laugh on the other end of the phone and he knew the affectionate smile which would be on Wolfie’s face. Not to mention the sparkle in his eyes whenever Felix said anything like that. He would do anything, say anything to get Wolfie to look like that.

‘Can you go to Iceland for me?’

Felix sat up straighter. ‘Has something happened to Will or Riley?’

‘No. I need you to break into a BPO facility for me.’

‘Always happy to help you do some criminal mischief, brother.’

‘There isn’t time for me to get there but I’ll help through Will. I need you to get my equipment there.’

‘You can count on me. First class tickets, is it?’

Wolfie gave another of those quiet chuckles. ‘Yeah. First class. Rajan’s booking it now.’

‘Now that’s sorted, what’s wrong?’

There was a long silence, then Wolfie spoke in a low, guarded voice. ‘Nothing.’

‘I know you better that. Come on, what is it?’

There was another pause. ‘Hang on.’

Felix heard a door opening then shutting again and he guessed Wolfie was going somewhere to be alone. Then he spoke again.

‘I messed up,’ he said.

‘What have you done?’

‘The usual. Using alcohol to get to sleep.’

‘Nightmares?’

‘Yeah.’

‘It’s just all this stuff with this Elin, that’s all, Wolfie. It’s just bringing up bad memories.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Did Rajan and Kala shout?’

‘Not as much as I deserved.’

‘It’s not your fault, Wolfie.’

‘I’m the one who threw the drink down my neck.’

‘It’s not your fault,’ repeated Felix, firmly.

Wolfie was quiet but Felix could hear his slightly unsteady breathing. Then he cleared his throat. ‘I’ve got to go.’

‘Yeah. Hey, Wolfie. Talk to them, yeah?’

‘Yeah.’

‘And you know where I am. If you can’t sleep, call me. I don’t give a fuck what time it is. Call me.’

‘I will.’

‘You’d better had or I’ll kill you, Wolfie.’

Wolfie laughed softly. ‘I will. I promise. See you.’

‘See you, brother.’

Felix waited for Wolfie to put the phone down, then got up and started to sort out his bag for his journey. He didn’t need much. Most of it would be the few specialist items he needed to break through any lock. None of it would particularly arouse any suspicions at the airport. He’d brought it all into France without issue.

He wasn’t particularly worried about the break in either. Between them, he and Wolfie could break in anywhere, no bother. No, the thing that worried him was his friend himself. Part of him wanted to jump on the plane to Mumbai instead, just to check on him.

_No, Wolfie’s not alone now. It’s not just us against the world now_ , he reminded himself. Wolfie had Kala and Rajan now, and the rest of the cluster. They would all make sure he was all right and he needed Felix to do this for him. That was how he could help now.

But he couldn’t stop himself worrying. That had been his job for so long, keep Wolfie going, keep him happy, keep him alive. He’d been pretty good at it too. Well, if you didn’t count the whole getting shot and leading Wolfie to a mission of revenge thing.

His phone pinged and he checked it to find an email from Rajan with the flight details on and his e-ticket. He took a big breath. He was off to Iceland in just a few hours and he would do his best. If they found this Elin girl, maybe that would help Wolfie feel better again.

Mari watched Niki’s knee bounce up and down as they sat on the plane, counting down the time. It was only a short flight but it felt like days.

She patted Niki’s arm to get her attention. ‘Nervous?’ she signed, though it was perfectly obvious even to someone who couldn’t feel her emotions.

‘Yeah,’ Niki said. She sighed. ‘Do you think Will’s right about this?’ she asked, signing along with her words.

Mari shrugged. ‘Maybe. We have to wait and see.’

Niki sighed again. ‘It’s not easy. I wish Kiri could have come. She keeps me calm. But the coach was never going to let both of us go. Too much training to do.’

Mari took her hand and squeezed it. ‘You’ve got us. We’ve got each other,’ she said.

Niki smiled, then glanced around. Tora, Rafael, Teddy and Anwar were with them, supporting them. They could both feel their nervousness and their fear. They had no idea what they were going to find but, whatever it was, they would be together.

‘She’s right,’ said Rafael. ‘We’re all here with you.’ 

Teddy was in his nurse’s uniform and he chewed his lip anxiously, gripping Rafael’s hand. ‘I should have said I was sick or something and come with you.’

‘You are with them,’ said Tora. ‘We’re all with them.’ Her hand came to rest on the back of Mari’s neck, in a gentle caress. ‘We’ll always be there for each other, no matter what.’

‘They aren’t,’ said Teddy. ‘They could be anywhere.’

‘Maybe it’s all a big mistake,’ said Anwar, hopefully. ‘Maybe in a year, we won’t even be able to believe any of this happened. Maybe the eight of us will be able to laugh about it.’

They all glanced at each other. Nobody said it but the feeling pulsed between them. This was serious and they all knew it. But more than that, they knew it was a possibility they were never going to be the eight of them ever again. 


	123. Chapter 123

Will’s heart started to race as they stood in front of that all too familiar building. The last time he’d been there, he’d been rescuing Riley. It was a long time ago but the pain and the fear of it was all too close.

Riley slipped her hand through his and held it tight. He felt a little better. They’d got through that together and they would get through this.

He glanced around at his companions. They’d picked Mari, Niki and Felix up at the airport and come straight here, eager to see if their hunch was right.

But of course everyone else was there, even Tora who was on the plane over.

‘It looks empty,’ said Sun.

‘Looks can be deceptive,’ said Wolfgang.

‘River said it should be empty,’ said Nomi. ‘But there was some equipment left behind so they have secured it. She’s given us the access code but if anyone got in they’ve most likely changed it.

‘So, how do we get in if they’ve changed it?’ asked Mari.

‘Piece of piss,’ said Felix, grinning. ‘Well, it is for me and Wolfie.’ He looked at Will and Riley. ‘Which of you is he going to body swap with then?’

In answer, Will, or rather Wolfgang, took the small black bag out of Felix’s hold all which held all his equipment, and strode wordlessly over to the door. There was a control panel, with a pin pad. Wolfgang tapped the code in that River had told them. Nothing.

‘That answers that,’ he said. He glanced at Felix. ‘The silver one?’

‘The door blaster 3000,’ Felix teased.

Wolfgang rolled his eyes but smiled as Felix passed him the little silver device. Felix was watching him carefully and will couldn’t help but smile. Wolfgang’s best friend was still fascinated by the subtle changes that happened when it was Wolfgang controlling the actions of someone else’s body. He could always tell.

It took several minutes for the device to do its work. They stood around anxiously, watching.

Niki peered inside. ‘There are no lights on. No sign of life.’

‘But somebody’s been here if the door code has been changed,’ said Mari.

‘I don’t like it,’ said Teddy, chewing his lip. ‘Should we be going in there without some sort of backup?’

Riley smiled at him. ‘We’ve got back up. Sun and Wolfgang are with us. Not many people can get past them.’

Will could see that Wolfgang was amped up. He was tense as he worked on the door and he kept clenching his fist as he waited. Part of Will hoped Alois wasn’t in there. He didn’t want him to get hurt and Wolfgang was clearly in the mood for a fight.

The device beeped and a green light on the pin pad lit up. With a slight grin, Wolfgang pushed open the door, just enough so it clicked. ‘We’re in.’

‘Is there an alarm?’ Will asked.

‘I’m already into its remote communication,’ said Nomi. ‘It’ll go off but it’s not connected to anything.’

‘So if he is in there, we’re giving him an advance warning?’ said Mari.

‘I can handle Alois,’ said Wolfgang, darkly.

‘Wait,’ said Will. ‘Before we go in there, I want a plan. I don’t want violence unless we have no other choice.’

‘And I think he’s gone beyond deserving chances from me,’ said Wolfgang. ‘What he needs is a good punch.’

‘I don’t want anybody to get hurt,’ said Will, raising his voice a little.

Felix frowned. ‘All right, you’re starting to freak me out arguing with yourself like this. Wolfie, you don’t need to be so eager with your fists. Elin’s what’s important here, right?’

Wolfgang sighed impatiently. ‘Yeah, I guess you’re right.’

Felix nodded, though he still looked a bit confused as from his perspective it was Will who had said this. Will patted his shoulder. ‘I know, it’s a bit tricky to get your head around.’

‘Are we going to stand here talking all day or are we actually going to help Elin?’ demanded Niki.

‘Right, let’s go,’ said Will, striding forward.

Riley kept with him, closely followed by Niki, then Mari and then Felix.

As they stepped inside, the alarm started beeping shrilly. Mari clasped her hands over her ears, the pain it was causing her obvious on her face. She pressed her lips together tightly, trying to stop herself crying out but a low whimper escaped.

Felix crossed to the alarm panel and, after a moment, found the button to mute the sound. Mari sighed in relief.

‘Danke,’ she said, with a smile.

Felix grinned at her. ‘Glad I could help.’

Will focused on finding the way. He remembered most of this but the darkness and emptiness of the place made it look different now. Riley looked completely lost, but then she’d been pretty out of it the last time they’d come here. Luckily, Lito and Nomi remembered the way excellently.

Sun stayed with them too but she was looking out for anyone she might have to fight. Capheus was there too, but he was just following. He hadn’t done much here the last time, except hot wire the ambulance.

Almost everything had been cleared out. A few of the tables and cabinets remained but most were open and obviously empty.

‘We need to search systematically,’ said Will. ‘This is a big place.

Niki stopped suddenly, staring ahead of her.

Will took her arm, feeling a sudden spike of alarm in her. ‘You all right?’

‘It … it’s this way,’ she said, faintly. She glanced at Mari and, wordlessly, they linked hands before starting to walk forward again.

Behind them followed the four remaining members of their cluster. They moved in silence through the facility. Will quickly realised they were heading to one of the medical rooms, where patients had been kept before. Not patients. Prisoners. Lab rats. He glanced at Riley, gripping her hand. She didn’t look at him but he could feel the rapid thump of her heart. She was remembering what could have happened to her. What she’d been so close to.

Niki came to a stop outside one of the patient rooms, swallowing hard. There was a chain and padlock on the door but it was already unlocked.

‘Here,’ she said. ‘Elin was here.’ She reached out, her fingers outstretched towards the lock. The second her fingertips brushed it, she jerked back, like it was electrified. ‘They locked her in here.’

She pushed open the door and let out a cry. There was a bed, unmade with the bedding folded on it, and several pieces of medical equipment around it. There was a suitcase open on top of a cabinet, half-packed with jumpers, dresses and a pair of boots. There was a popular science book open on the worktop and a pencil abandoned next to it. 

But there was no one there. The room was empty. There was no Elin.


	124. Chapter 124

‘Maybe they’re still in the building,’ said Felix, looking around. ‘We should keep looking around.’

‘I’ll come with you to look around,’ said Mari.

‘Riley, you go with them,’ said Will. ‘Just in case.’

Riley nodded and the three of them headed off.

Their words washed over Niki and she couldn’t focus on them. She couldn’t focus on anything but that empty room. Elin had _been_ here.

Will crossed to her. She felt him hesitate before he put his hand on her shoulder.

‘You all right?’ he asked, softly.

‘She was here,’ Niki said, flatly. ‘She was right here. All this time…’

He squeezed her shoulder gently. ‘We’ll find her.’

Niki was quiet for a moment, then she stepped into the room. These were Elin’s things. Breathlessly, she reached out and touched the Fairisle jumper lying abandoned on the open suitcase. It felt like good quality, maybe even hand-knitted. _Why would she leave this?_

It definitely looked like they had left in a hurry. Maybe Felix was right and they were still somewhere int his building.

_They._ That was what she’d said at the door. She didn’t even know why. She only knew she was certain about it. There was someone else working with Alois.

She kept her hand on the jumper. With her hand on the soft wool, she felt close to Elin. She could feel her. The feeling was just a shadow, an echo but it was all she had.

She turned her attention to the book lying open on the counter. It was called _The Hidden Life of Trees_ and it looked well-read. It definitely looked like something Elin would read.

Holding the jumper to her chest, Niki picked up the book. A piece of paper fell out of it.

‘What’s that?’ Will asked, his voice soft.

‘I don’t know.’ She bent and picked it up. It was a note, handwritten in pencil. She felt Will step up beside her. They both read it in silence.

_N,_

_I knew you’d come. I felt it. I still don’t understand why I trust you. Alois says I shouldn’t but I do. I can’t help it. I don’t tell him this._

_I don’t know how long it’s been. I just stay in this room. I read a lot so I don’t think about anything apart from trees. How connected they are, how empathic they are. They can feel each other. They even feel when one of them dies._

_I hope you don’t._

_That’s not true. It’s selfish, I know but I don’t want you to ever stop feeling me. Even when I’m not here anymore._

_Alois says it’s simpler this way. All this is too much, too complicated. I wish things could have been different. I wish I were stronger. At least Alois and I will be together. He won’t leave me. He says we’ll do it together._

_I’m sorry._

_I really wish_

There was no sign off, just that half finished sentence. Niki stared at the letter, rereading it again and trying to make sense of it. Beside her, she could feel Will breathing hard.

‘Was zum Teufel,’ he growled.

She glanced at him. His fists were clenched and there was a look in his eyes that she didn’t think was Will. He turned away, striding towards the door. He erupted with a sudden burst of anger and punched the wall hard. ‘Verdammte Fotze!’ he yelled, his chest heaving.

Niki knew that wasn’t Will, or not just Will.

She felt numb. The letter was shaking in front of her and she realised her hand was shaking. She wanted Kiri. Why hadn’t she brought Kiri with her?

Without being able to stop herself, she crumpled to the floor. Then the others were with her. Mari was trembling, her breath harsh and ragged in Niki’s ear. Tora was quiet but her arms slid around Mari and Niki and held them both tightly, as though she were afraid they would slip away.

Anwar had his head in his hands and was murmuring to himself. ‘No, no,’

Rafael was crying, quiet heart-wrenching sobs as images of Elin and the image he could never forget of his Abuelo’s final moment crashed together in his mind. Teddy wrapped his arms around him, holding him close and trying to comfort him, even though he was so close to tears himself. Their worst nightmare was coming true. They were just six now.

Niki felt Will close beside her. She glanced at him. Tears were running down his cheeks now and he seemed to have no energy left. He sagged, dropping to the ground beside her. 

‘I failed her,’ he whispered. ‘I should have protected her.’

Niki took a moment to try to steady her voice but when she spoke it still sounded wobbly. ‘We all should have.’

It was some time later, that Felix, Riley and Mari came back into the room. Will stood to speak to them, already knowing Riley knew, that she’d felt his emotions along with the rest of the cluster. She had her arm around Mari and they all looked paler than usual. There were dried tear tracks on Mari’s face.

Felix looked at Will. ‘Is Wolfie all right?’

Will glanced at Wolfgang. He was sitting on his sofa, his head in his hands, breathing hard but calmer. Kala and Rajan were with him. Rajan rubbed his back while Kala held his hand, trying to keep herself calm as well.

‘He’s all right,’ he said. He looked at Riley. ‘Did you find anything?’

She shook her head. ‘They’re not here. We found some CCTV and Nomi got us into it but …’

‘What?’

‘It showed Alois and Elin arriving here, not long after they first disappeared. Then two more people, dressed in black with their faces hidden, arriving the next day. After that the CCTV was disabled so we’ve got nothing else.’

She glanced at where Niki was still kneeling on the floor, numb with grief. Mari had already crossed to her and was sitting beside her, her arm around her, united in their grief.

‘The note … do you think it’s real?’

He nodded, then swallowed down his sob so he could speak. ‘It’s real. I think … I think she’s dead. I think she’s killed herself, that he’s made her kill herself. That’s why we could only feel a shadow of her. She’s not here anymore. She’s just an echo.’

Riley didn’t say anything, just stepped forward and took him into her arms. He buried his face in her neck and tried to lose himself in her warmth and softness. But it was no good. She was dead and there was nothing he could do about it.


	125. Chapter 125

Nobody knew what to say. What was there to say? What was there to do? They had stayed a little while, looking around in case there were any more clues but there was nothing else.

They were driving back now. Technically, Will was driving but Capheus kept helping as Will was finding it difficult to concentrate. His thoughts were with Elin. All he wanted to do was hold both clusters and never let them go. How could this have happened?

Riley put her hand on his arm. ‘You all right?’ she asked, softly, just to him.

‘No,’ he said. ‘How can I ever be all right again?’

She didn’t have an answer for that. He felt the same emotions echo through his cluster and his children. They all felt it together.

He glanced at her. ‘What do we do now?’ he asked.

She took a deep breath. ‘Now we grieve.’

Will felt the emotions of the others battering at him. Grief, guilt, sorrow and misery. From Wolfgang there was mostly anger, though he could feel other emotions beneath that. Will wanted to visit him but he didn’t have the strength right then.

He glanced in his rear-view mirror at Mari and Niki in the backseat. They were both silent, holding onto each other’s hands. Will could feel Niki’s sadness and sorrow mixing with her guilt. She was already blaming herself.

Mari felt helpless. When somebody had a problem, her natural instinct was to look for solutions. But in this one, there were none. Elin was dead. She was gone and there was nothing anyone could do about that. She felt numb. The outpouring of emotion of her cluster had been overwhelming and she could no longer take it in. She could feel them but she couldn’t respond to them anymore.

All she could do was told Niki’s hand. Niki was a strong and solid presence beside her. Since she was physically there, Mari didn’t have to reach for her with her feelings. She was just there. They held hands tightly, taking what little comfort they could in each other as they were driven back to Will’s house.

What had happened didn’t seem real. It seemed impossible. Could it really be that all that was left of Elin was those few things she had left behind? They had brought her things with them, packed in her suitcase but Niki still held her jumper against her chest. She kept pressing her face to it and breathing in the sweet scent Elin had left on it, a scent Niki had never got to breathe in from her in person.

They turned into Will and Riley’s drive. Will parked the car and they got out. The house’s front door opened and two people stepped out. One was Riley’s dad, who they had met last time. The other was Tora. Her jaw was set and her expression would be seen as neutral by most people but they could both feel her grief.

She stepped towards them, her eyes meeting Mari’s. Although she was somebody she had technically never met before, Mari had no trouble meeting those dark brown eyes. She knew her. She loved her.

Mari hesitated, then stretched out one hand towards her. Tora gave her a small smile and reached for her. The moment their hands met, electricity sparked through both their bodies. Through the sorrow and the grief, a wave of love washed over them both and with it came elation. This was right. They belonged together. They were meant to be together.

All at once, Mari was both herself and Tora. She saw herself through Tora’s eyes, an artist’s eyes. She saw her own smile and felt the way it made Tora’s heart beat faster. She saw the spark in her own eyes and she felt the pulse of attraction Tora felt as her gaze raked over her curves.

At the same time, she knew Tora felt the things she felt for her in return. Tora saw the warmth Mari saw in her eyes, felt her love for that sweet round face and her fascination by the intensity her sweet looks hid. She knew Tora felt her longing to hold her slim body and to experience the thrill of pleasure with her.

For a moment, they just looked at each other, then they melted into each other’s arms, their mouths meeting in their first in person kiss.

It was a sweet, soft kiss. There was no room in this moment for thoughts of sex. They only wanted the comfort of each other and the closeness.

Then Mari was burying her face in Tora’s neck and breathing her in. She still didn’t know what to do but she knew they had each other, and that helped.

She felt Tora reach out for Niki. They both felt the other woman hesitate, but then she stepped closer and joined their embrace.

Then Teddy, Rafael and Anwar were with them and they felt the strength of their cluster, what remained of their cluster.

‘We’ll get through this together,’ said Anwar.

Nobody said it but they all felt the words which pulsed in their minds after that comment. _The six of us._

Nobody knew what to do. Felix watched them all and he knew they were feeling things he couldn’t understand. But he’d seen how much Wolfie felt for his cluster, how important they all were to him and he could empathise with the grief they must be feeling. He could imagine, though he didn’t want to, how awful it would be if he lost Wolfie.

There had been times when he had thought he would lose his best friend, his brother, even times when he’d thought he would lose him to suicide. He’d been close many times over his life. Felix had always done what he could to bring him back from that. There had been a few close calls over the years but they seemed a long time ago now. Wolfie was no longer in that place and he couldn’t imagine him being there again, but Felix’s protective nature was looming. What had happened with Elin was going to be hard for Wolfie to cope with.

He glanced at Will, wanting to ask him how Wolfie was, even though he had already asked. That answer ‘he’s all right’ hadn’t convinced him at all. He knew exactly what would be going on in his brother’s head. He would be right back to his mother’s death, right back to the terrible things he’d seen, the fucked up things that had happened to him. He’d be right back with the man who lived in his memory, the man who did things just to hurt people. Only now, he knew there was another man like that. A man once again hurting the people he cared about, just for fun.

Felix couldn’t stand it anymore. He had to talk to Wolfie. He slipped out of the room and into the kitchen. There was no one in here and, as long as he didn’t talk too loudly, he wouldn’t be overheard. Well, not unless they did their Sensate thing.

The phone rang out for several minutes. When at last it was picked up, it wasn’t Wolfie’s voice that spoke.

‘Hello?’ said Rajan.

‘Rajan, it’s Felix. I need to talk to Wolfie.’

‘Ah, Felix, I’m not sure he …’

‘I need to talk to him. Tell him get his arse on this phone right now.’

There was a pause, then Felix heard Rajan talking. ‘My love, it’s Felix. Please talk to him. He really wants to talk to you.’

Felix didn’t hear an answer but, after a moment, he heard Wolfie’s breathing on the line. He was sniffling a bit and not talking.

‘Hey, Wolfie,’ said Felix. ‘Do you want to talk?’

‘C-can’t,’ said Wolfie. It sounded like there was a lead weight in his mouth, making the effort to talk almost too much.

‘All right. Listen, Wolfie, this is not your father, okay? This is not back then. This is now.’

Wolfie didn’t respond.

‘Right, Wolfie, I’m going to come to you, as soon as I can. Is that all right?’

‘Y-yeah.’

‘In the meantime, just hang on. Let Kala and Rajan look after you. Go swimming, go for a run. Don’t drink. You got that?’

‘Felix,’ whispered Wolfie.

‘I’ll be there by the end of tomorrow. I promise. Just hang on.’

‘Yeah. I’m … okay.’

‘Yeah, well I’d rather see that for myself. I love you, Wolfie.’

‘Love you too, brother,’ sniffed Wolfie.

‘Can you put Rajan back on?’

‘Yeah.’

There was another pause, then Rajan’s voice spoke again. ‘Felix?’

‘I’m coming to Mumbai. Is that all right? He needs me.’

‘Yeah, of course. You’re always welcome.’

‘This is probably overkill but … don’t leave Wolfie alone, all right? I know you’ve got a lot on with the baby and your family but …’

‘Don’t worry, Felix. We’ll keep him safe.’

‘Yeah … I know you will.’

Felix put the phone down and sighed. Now he just had to tell Will and the others he was going. Will would understand. Felix knew he worried about Wolfie a lot too, that he understood what he’d been through.

How soon could he get a flight? He’d promised he’d be there by the end of tomorrow. That sounded about right. He unlocked his phone again but he was halfway through searching for a flight when an email came through from Rajan. He checked it and smiled. Rajan had already booked him a flight for first thing in the morning. Rajan really did love Wolfie. He and Kala were exactly who his brother deserved.


	126. Chapter 126

Gunnar fussed over them all. He seemed to know how they were all feeling, how important they all were to each other. Niki appreciated his calm presence, his kind attentions. He reminded her of her father.

He’d made them all something to eat and reassured them there was plenty of room for all of them to stay. Niki didn’t know how she was going to sleep. It was all she could do to stop herself from crying.

But gradually, everybody drifted off to bed. Niki was thinking about going outside, trying to stop herself from thinking, when Mari took her hand.

‘Come with us,’ she said.

Niki let Mari tug her to her feet and lead her off to the spare bedroom Tora had been shown earlier. Niki focused on them, on her cluster. She knew they understood, that they felt what she felt, that they would always be there for her.

As she lay down in the bed, she missed Kiri so much her chest ached. They’d been apart before but right now, she needed her so much.

But then Mari and Tora were with her. Tora lay behind her, her hand resting on her hip, warm and strong. Mari’s hand was softer, gentler as she lay beside her and gently touched her cheek.

‘Mae ni gyda ti,’ she whispered.

The words left Mari’s mouth in Welsh but arrived in Niki’s mind in English. _We are with you_.

The men were with them too. Anwar kept his distance, still trying to make sense of everything. Teddy and Rafael were together, bringing each other comfort, but still with them too. They were all together, what was left of them.

Suddenly, Niki was crying. She didn’t want to be. She wanted to stay strong, keep it together. But she couldn’t, not anymore. Elin was gone. What was the point now of trying to keep things together?

Her body shook with sobs and she couldn’t hold them back. But Mari and Tora were there. They held her tight and close, dropping kisses into her hair and against her cheek. Their hands moved in tandem, stroking her arm, her hip and her back. She focused on them, letting them give her comfort and take it from her in return.

She hadn’t known how she could sleep. But worn out from crying and safe with her cluster, she fell asleep in Mari and Tora’s arms.

Felix couldn’t sleep. He had the sofa and he’d spent a couple of hours tossing and turning before giving up and getting up. He pulled on his shoes and his coat and stepped outside onto the balcony. It was cold but that never bothered him. He needed a smoke. He leaned against the balcony and lit his cigarette.

It was pitch black outside. The small light from the living room behind him cast the only light he could see. He’d never been somewhere quite this dark. He was used to the city lights of Berlin. Something was always happening. Here, it was quiet and dark.

His thoughts turned to Wolfie. It would be morning there. He hoped he’d slept well but he had the feeling he hadn’t. As long as Rajan and Kala kept a close eye on him. Less than twenty-four hours and he’d be with him, then he could make sure his best friend was all right.

He heard a movement behind him and he glanced back to see Will, in his dressing gown, looking at him. He held a glass of water and looked a little confused and not quite awake.

‘Hey, can’t sleep?’ Will asked.

Felix smiled. Wolfie spoke a lot about Will’s mothering habit. Guess he was turning that habit to him now.

‘Just worried about Wolfie.’

Will nodded, leaning against the door to the balcony. ‘What time’s your flight?’

Felix checked his phone. ‘In about seven hours. Guess I can sleep on the plane.’ He glanced at Will. ‘What’s he doing?’

Will paused, then smiled. ‘Watching Rajan making breakfast. He has noticed they haven’t left him alone once.’

Felix shrugged. ‘It’s for his own good. I know what he gets like. It was bad enough when she was just missing but … well, you know where his head’s gone, don’t you?’

Will nodded. ‘I do.’ He sighed. ‘He won’t talk to me.’ He took a deep, slightly shuddery breath. ‘I guess this is too much for all of us.’

‘Well, you don’t have to worry about Wolfie. I’ll sort him out.’ He took a drag of his cigarette. He frowned. ‘This Alois guy, what’s his game?’

Will shrugged. ‘If only I knew. Maybe I could have stopped it if I understood anything about him.’

‘Seems you’ve the same habit Wolfie has of blaming yourself.’

Will gave a humourless chuckle. ‘If only I could say I got it from him. Unfortunately, I’ve always had that habit.’ He rubbed his hands over his face and groaned. ‘What am I going to do?’

‘You need to find this Alois. He didn’t get into that BPO place on his own did he? Niki said ‘they’ for a start and that code wasn’t broken, which means somebody told him what it was.’

Will looked at him. ‘That’s … a good point.’

‘So whatever his game is, he’s not in it on his own.’ He took a final drag of his cigarette then stubbed it out. He walked up to Will and patted his arm. ‘Looks like you’ve got more enemies left than you thought.’

He went back to the sofa and got laid down again. Maybe now he knew Wolfie was okay with Rajan and Kala, he’d be able to get a little sleep before his flight.

Wolfgang sat at the breakfast table, staring at his full plate. He couldn’t face eating, not even Rajan’s homemade pancakes. He felt Kala’s gaze resting on him and he picked at a pancake, forcing himself to swallow a piece.

‘If you’re not hungry, it’s all right,’ said Rajan, gently.

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘I’m fine.’ He looked at Kala, then quickly away. Even that brief gaze was like she was looking right inside him. He could feel her upset too. Just the very thought that one of their own could hurt a member of their own cluster. It brought back a lot of memories of Whispers. He was the only person they knew of who had done something like this.

‘Do you want me to cancel our guests this afternoon?’ asked Rajan. ‘We can have them over another day.’

Wolfgang looked back at him. He’d almost forgotten that both sets of parents were due to come over, to meet Anika for the first time. That was the last thing he needed. But it wouldn’t make him popular if they cancelled because of him. He’d just had to cope with it. At least it would take his spouses’ attention off him for a little while.

‘No, it’s fine. I’ll cope.’

Rajan looked at him for a long moment, then he sighed softly. ‘No, I’ll put it back a couple of days. They won’t mind and, if they do, tough.’ He looked at Kala. ‘Do you agree, my love?’

Kala looked at him, then back at Rajan. ‘Yes. A couple of days will be fine.’ She reached across and took Wolfgang’s hand. ‘There’s no point adding pressure after all that’s happened. We’ll all feel better for a little bit of time.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘If you’re sure.’

‘We’re sure,’ said Rajan.

Anika babbled at him and he smiled at her. Just looking at her made him feel a little lighter but it wasn’t enough to drive the churning feelings or the flashes of painful memories away.


	127. Chapter 127

_Hands round her throat._

_Blood pulsing, warm and thick._

_The weakness spreading through her body._

_Her life ebbing away._

Wolfgang focused on his slow and strong strokes through the cool clear water. Ceaselessly, he swam away from those memories but still they pursued him, determined to make him feel them. In his mind, the images swirled together. The image of Elin mixing with that of his mother, swirling impossibly together in his mind. He couldn’t escape it.

He stopped swimming, letting his feet rest on the bottom of the pool and spreading his arms, idly letting the water pass through his fingertips. Rajan was watching him from the wicker sofa next to the pool. Wolfgang knew Felix was behind that. He had worked out he’d told them not to leave him alone.

It was unnecessary. He was all right. Well, okay no he wasn’t exactly all right, but he wasn’t going to do anything stupid. He just had to get through this, try and stay away from the memories. He hadn’t slept much the night before and he already felt fuzzy with exhaustion. But he had to just keep going. He wanted to go for a nap but he knew that was the worst time for bad dreams.

The swimming wasn’t helping that much. He climbed out and went to the wall that surrounded the terrace. He leaned against it, looking out over Mumbai. He loved this city. It held so many memories of Kala and Rajan. Moments of sunshine and happiness. And that one moment that was so important to him, the moment he’d realised, for the first time in his life, that he had something to live for.

He felt Rajan step up beside him. He glanced back at him.

‘Sorry, I know I’m dripping.’

Rajan put his arm around his waist and kissed his shoulder. ‘It’ll dry. Do you want your towel?’

‘I guess,’ said Wolfgang.

Rajan pulled away and, after a moment, returned with his towel. Wolfgang wrapped it around his waist and sighed.

Rajan put his arm around his waist again, then both arms and resting his chin on his shoulder. ‘How much do I need to worry about you?’ he asked softly.

Wolfgang smirked. ‘Would you believe me if I said not at all?’

Rajan laughed softly and kissed his shoulder again. ‘Not at all.’

‘I am all right, Raj. I mean … I’m coping.’

‘What does coping mean exactly, love?’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘I’m not having panic attacks. I’m not drinking.’

‘You had a nightmare last night,’ Rajan pointed out.

‘Yeah. I know.’ He rubbed a hand over his face. ‘And it’s been chasing me all day.’

Rajan held him tight. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘I want to forget about it. I don’t even want to think about it.’ He sighed heavily. ‘I want to check on Will but … well, the images in his head aren’t exactly great either.’

Rajan sighed. ‘Right, why don’t you come downstairs and I’ll make you something to eat. You barely touched your breakfast. Kala can check on Will and you can have a cuddle with Anika. That always helps, right?’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘I guess.’ He pulled away. ‘I’ll just jump in the shower.’

‘I’ll come with you.’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes. ‘You don’t have to.’ He started walking towards the door to inside.

Rajan caught up with him. ‘How about I join you _in_ the shower then?’ he asked.

Wolfgang grinned at him. ‘Now that I’ll say yes to.’

He wasn’t stupid. He knew Rajan was determined to keep an eye on him. But he had to admit his company in the shower would be nice.

In the master bathroom, he took off his towel and stepped into the shower. He turned his face up into the hot spray and, after a moment, Rajan stepped inside with him. He kissed him, pressing him against the tiled wall and allowing his hands to explore Wolfgang’s body.

Wolfgang focused on the feel of him, the soft firmness of his hands and the warmth of his body pressed against his. He could lose himself in this, in the sensations of being touched, of the physical evidence of Rajan’s love for him.

This wasn’t about sex, or the ruthless pursuit of an orgasm. This was about love and all Wolfgang wanted to do was to kiss him, to be kissed.

Rajan pulled away and Wolfgang opened his eyes to look at him. Rajan’s brown eyes were warm and full of compassion.

‘Are they really bad? The nightmares?’

Wolfgang looked at him for a moment. Here, with no space and not even clothing between them, it was harder to skirt around the truth.

He glanced down. ‘Yeah. It’s … it’s part memories and part imagination, like my memories of my mother are mixing with what might have happened to Elin. I dunno. It’s just hard.’

‘That does sound hard,’ said Rajan, gently. He was always good at empathisising.

Wolfgang scowled. ‘If I ever meet Alois in person I’m going to fucking kick his head in.’

‘Well, that’s one way to handle it,’ said Rajan, mildly. He rested his hands on Wolfgang’s hip and looked seriously at him. ‘I’m not sure he’s going to be coming back, you know. And … if he does, I think you should stay away from him.’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘After all that time saying I should meet him.’

‘Things are different now, aren’t they?’

‘Yeah, they are. I can’t just avoid him now, Rajan. He’s done something so bad, so evil. He needs to be stopped before he does it again. I don’t know how we can do that yet but it’s got to be something we do.’

He pulled away, made quick work of washing the chlorine off, then stepped out of the shower and grabbed a fresh towel. He left the bathroom, leaving Rajan behind. He knew he would soon follow him.

Kala was in the living room, sitting on the sofa, feeding Anika. Wolfgang, now dressed in joggers and a t-shirt, sat down beside her. 

‘Good swim?’ she asked.

He shrugged. ‘It was okay.’

She glanced sympathetically at him. ‘It didn’t help then.’

He sighed heavily. ‘Not especially.’ He looked at her. ‘Have you talked to Will today?’

She bit her lip. ‘Yeah. He’s … well, he’s about as all right as you are.’

Wolfgang let out a humourless chuckle. ‘Yeah, and I bet he’s not looking after himself either. Too busy worrying about everyone else instead.’

Kala laughed gently and kissed him. ‘You know, in some ways you and Will are really different but in others, you’re exactly the same.’

‘Felix will be here in a few hours,’ said Rajan behind them. He leaned over the back of the sofa and gave them each a kiss, then stroked Anika’s hair. ‘You’ll feel better then.’

‘He’ll probably kick my ass.’ He glanced up at Rajan. ‘Did your parents mind about us putting off the meeting?’

‘I gave a work excuse.’ He grinned. ‘That always works with my father.’ He turned towards the kitchen. ‘Don’t worry! Everything is under control.’

Wolfgang sighed and didn’t reply. He couldn’t have felt less in control. The world wasn’t in control. He wasn’t in control. Neither cluster was in control. In fact it seemed like the only person in control in all of this was Alois.


	128. Chapter 128

Alois shut the door firmly behind him and locked it before he turned into the corridor. It had been a close thing but, with a little help, he’d got safely away. It had been a shame to lose access to some of that equipment but he had connections now and, with those connections, he could get whatever he needed. It was time for the next stage.

He made his way down the hall and to the grand staircase. As he made his way down, his thoughts turned to Elin and he smiled. Her fear was still a strong memory in his mind. The thrill of it, the pleasure in experiencing her despair in those final moments. It was a memory he would keep with him forever, better than anything he’d experienced before. It was stronger, more vivid than anything he’d experienced before. He hadn’t just watched her. He’d _felt_ her.

He wished he could feel his cluster too, feel what they felt about Elin. He imagined grief, anger and hatred of him. He wanted to feel all of that but he was still on the half-strength blockers. On them, he could only connect with Sensates who were physically close to him. His own cluster, and Will, were far away and out of reach.

He smiled as he thought about the note he’d seen her write. She hadn’t known he’d seen her writing it. She’d thought she was getting away with something but there were no secrets from him. That was something he’d always been good at. He understood people, like they were puzzles with their answer keys laid out before him. He understood how to manipulate them, to get them to do what _he_ wanted them to do.

But he could take that further now. He was only just beginning to realise just how far he could take it.

He entered the drawing room. Lukas was sitting in there. He jumped to his feet when he saw him. Alois smiled. Lukas was younger than him, early twenties, and mostly he was nervous and frightened. Alois enjoyed seeing that but, more importantly, he enjoyed _feeling_ it. Lukas was Sensate.

But there was more about him than the frightened young man who didn’t quite know what he was getting into. There was that _other_ presence, the one that made a shiver go down Alois’s spine. He wasn’t sure whether that was fear or exhilaration. Either way, it was interesting.

‘Al - Alois,’ Lukas said, stuttering a little. His eyes darted around, avoiding eye contact. Lukas did that a lot, though Alois wasn’t sure why. They were already connected.

‘H-how long are we staying here?’

‘As long as it’s safe and it serves my purposes. It’s not something you need to concern yourself with.’

Lukas bit his lip but Alois noticed the gleam in his eye and felt the flash of amusement from that other part of him. He needed to find out more about that, work out what it was exactly.

‘Where’s Frankie?’ Alois asked.

‘She’s outside, looking around,’ said Lukas.

Alois nodded. ‘Tell her to get back in as soon as she can. We don’t want to be seen here.’

Lukas nodded and his face went still and blank and he knew he was talking to her. Frankie and Lukas were the same cluster, the only two left from it and they could not have been more different. Lukas’s shy, nervous disposition was countered by Frankie’s hard, confident exterior. She was the muscle, though she had an intelligence deeper than her looks indicated. There was something dark about her too. She was a killer.

She had that other presence as well. Maybe it was something to do with their cluster, a lost sensate still reflected in them. He was fascinated by how it all worked. There was so much more he had to understand about it. But there was time. As long as he was careful, he had plenty of time before any of his enemies would catch up with him.

Wolfgang jumped as he heard a knock on the front door. Rajan reached out and rubbed his back.

‘Relax, it’ll just be Felix.’

Wolfgang nodded, staying where he was on the sofa. They’d had a quiet day, just spending time together the four of them. He’d done his best to keep his mind off the nightmares and the memories and Rajan and Kala had done their best to keep him distracted with chatter and food and playing with Anika.

Anika had dropped off to sleep on her play mat so the three of them had spent the last half an hour just sitting together in the living room, reading and listening to some quiet music. It was helping.

Kala looked up where she was reading in her armchair. She glanced at the clock on the wall as Rajan went to the answer the door.

‘He’s been quick getting through baggage claim.’

‘He’s probably using that battered hold all,’ said Rajan, cheerfully. ‘You can spot that thing a mile away.’ He opened the door and Wolfgang immediately felt his manner change.

‘Oh,’ he said.

Wolfgang looked over and cringed. Rajan’s parents stood on the doorstep.

Rajan sighed tightly. ‘Dad, we cancelled for a reason,’ he said.

‘I can’t see any reason why I can’t see my granddaughter,’ Manendra said, pushing past Rajan and stepping inside the apartment without being asked.

Sahana followed behind him but she looked embarrassed. She hugged Rajan. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, softly. ‘I couldn’t stop him.’

‘It’s okay,’ said Rajan. He looked over at his father, who was striding purposefully towards Anika’s playmat. ‘She’s sleeping. Please don’t wake her.’

‘If she’s sleeping, she should be in a cot, not sprawled on the floor like a puppy.’

‘She likes her playmat,’ said Kala. ‘It’s comfy for her.’

‘I want to have a good look at her.’

‘She gets very grumpy if she gets woken up,’ said Kala, sternly.

Manendra pulled a face but Kala’s stern manner seemed to do the trick because he didn’t try and pick Anika up or wake her.

‘Rajan, maybe make some tea?’

Rajan nodded, though he lingered a moment. Clearly he didn’t want to leave the scene.

Manendra stood still a moment, towering over Anika. Wolfgang sat forwards on the sofa, his protective side making his heart thump hard at how close he was standing. He wanted to scoop her up into his arms, where she was safe, but Kala was right. She did get very grouchy if she was woken up.

Eventually, Manendra sat down and Wolfgang felt himself relax a little. To his surprise, he felt a soft hand on his arm and he looked up to see Sahana looking thoughtfully at him.

‘Are you all right, Wolfgang?’ she asked. ‘You seem very tense.’ She glanced at her husband, who wasn’t paying attention. ‘Even more tense than usual when we see you.’

Wolfgang didn’t know how to respond. There was no judgement in her voice, just kindness and concern.

Kala came to his rescue. She came to sit beside him, taking his hand and holding it. ‘Wolfgang’s just not feeling too well today,’ she said. ‘That’s why we cancelled.’

Wolfgang squeezed her hand gratefully.

‘So, I’m afraid we can’t host for long,’ Kala continued. ‘But we can have a drink and a bit of a chat’ She smiled. ‘If she wakes up, you can have a cuddle.’

Wolfgang tried to keep the worry and the tension off his face. What was going to happen when they figured out Anika was biologically his? It was inevitable but it was the last thing he wanted to deal with today.


	129. Chapter 129

Everybody knew when Anika was awake. She opened her eyes and wailed indignantly at the lack of attention she was getting. Wolfgang was finally able to give into his instincts and scooped her up into his arms. She quietened immediately and looked around with interest at the new people. Sahana cooed at her.

‘Hello, little one,’ she said in soft, lilting Hindi.

Anika beamed, let out a squealing laugh and kicked her legs against Wolfgang.

‘Would you like to hold her, mum?’ asked Kala.

Sahana leaned forward but before Wolfgang could pass her over, Manendra’s voice cut through the atmosphere.

‘I want to look at her,’ he said, standing up. There was an edge to his voice.

Wolfgang held onto her protectively. ‘She’s right here,’ he said, tightly.

Manendra glared at him and Rajan cleared his throat and headed over to them. He stood beside Wolfgang and rested a calming hand on the small of his back. Wolfgang didn’t look at him, just kept his attention on Manendra, his heart pounding and his body ready to spring into action.

Kala, feeling his tension, stood next to him, her hand resting on his back too.

Manendra peered at Anika and his eyes narrowed. His gaze flicked up to Wolfgang’s face and he scowled.

‘She’s yours then,’ he said, pure disgust in his voice.

Rajan put his arm around Wolfgang’s shoulders. ‘She’s ours, Dad. That’s that.’

Manendra drew himself up and Wolfgang braced himself, but then Sahana stood and held out her arms for Anika. Anika reached for her and Wolfgang released her into her grandmother’s arms, knowing she was safe.

Grandmother and granddaughter beamed at each other as Sahana held Anika against her chest. ‘She’s gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful.’ She looked at her husband. ‘Our first grandchild. She’s perfect.’

She reached out for Wolfgang’s hand and, to his surprise, squeezed it. ‘She’s so lucky to have _two_ proud papas.’

‘I’d do anything for her,’ said Wolfgang.

Sahana smiled brightly, letting go of his hand. ‘I know you would. I can see how much you love her.’

‘This is not right,’ Manendra said. ‘Sahana, surely your religion …’

‘My religion tells me that love is what matters,’ said Sahana. ‘And this little girl is loved. Even you must see that, Manendra.’

‘If he doesn’t, he can leave,’ said Rajan, firmly. ‘He doesn’t need to see us if he doesn’t want to.’

Manendra looked at Kala. ‘If you didn’t want my son, you should never have married him. I told you this at the time.’

Kala glanced at Rajan, before she turned to face Manendra with a hard expression. Wolfgang couldn’t help but smile. Surely no one would dare mess with Kala when she gave them that look?

‘I love my husbands,’ she said. ‘And we have made a family together. If you don’t want to be part of that, like Rajan says, you can leave.’

Manendra looked incredulously around at them all and opened his mouth to speak.

‘Erm, is this a bad time?’ said a different voice.

They all looked round and there was Felix, that battered hold-all slung over one shoulder, looking around at them in confusion. ‘You did remember I was coming?’

The tension broke and Rajan gave him a big smile. ‘Of course, come in, Felix. Anika, look who it is! It’s Onkel Felix.’

Anika squealed with delight as she spotted him and Felix dumped his bag by the door and went over to say hello.

Wolfgang wanted to just fall into his arms but he held himself back. He was not going to show any weakness in front of Manendra. Felix seemed to know that. After greeting Anika and saying polite hellos to Sahana and Manendra, his gaze raked over Wolfgang but he didn’t say anything.

Sahana gave Anika a kiss and a cuddle, then handed her back to Wolfgang. ‘I think we’ll go. We’ll come back when you’re expecting us, shall we?’

‘Of course, mum,’ said Rajan. ‘We’ll do dinner in a couple of days, like we said.’

Sahana smiled, patting Rajan’s cheek, then giving him a hug. ‘I’m looking forward to it. I’m sure your father will have got used to things by then.’

‘Sahana, really I don’t think …’

‘Manendra, if you want to discuss if we should do it in private, don’t you think?’

Manendra scowled, but didn’t argue further. They said their goodbyes and left.

After the door was shut behind them, Felix whistled. ‘Well that seemed a bit tense.’

‘It was,’ sighed Wolfgang, sitting down and rubbing his head. He had a banging headache and the desire to knock back a few shots was overwhelming.

‘It seems my father has worked out who Anika’s biological father is,’ said Rajan.

‘Ah. Well, he had to know it was a possibility.’

‘It would be so much simpler if she were yours, Raj,’ said Wolfgang.

‘It doesn’t make any difference to me,’ said Rajan. ‘She _is_ mine and if my father can’t see that, then that’s his problem.’

‘At least he knows now,’ said Kala. ‘He’ll get over it.’ She reached for Anika. ‘I think it’s time you had something to eat, little lady,’ she said and scooped her up.

She went to the armchair by the window and settled in a comfortable position to feed her. Rajan leaned over the back of the sofa and kissed Wolfgang on the top of his head.

‘I’d better start on dinner,’ he said, then walked off to the kitchen.

Felix looked at Wolfgang. ‘Go on then, how are you?’ He sat next to Wolfgang, his knee brushing his.

Wolfgang opened his mouth to reply, but found he didn’t know what to say. How was he? He didn’t know. His mind felt fuzzy and out of focus. He didn’t say anything, just leaned against Felix.

Felix, always an expert at reading him, just put his arm around him and held him tight to him. ‘I got you, brother. You don’t have to say anything.’

Wolfgang could feel Kala wanting to come to him but she didn’t. She held back, to allow him the space he needed with his best friend, the person who had always kept him going.

‘We can have a punch up later,’ Felix said. ‘You can get that anger out and I might get a trip to see some pretty Indian doctors and nurses.’

A half-grin crossed Wolfgang’s face and he just allowed himself to sink into his brother’s embrace. It felt like everything would be all right now his brother was here. No, not all right, but at least he could carry on. At least he could be strong for his cluster. Now that he had Felix with him, he could do anything they needed.


	130. Chapter 130

Niki, Tora and Mari had flown back to London that evening. Will missed their presence already, even though he could visit any of them at any time. They felt further away now. His remaining children all felt so far away.

He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. He’d excused himself after dinner, though he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He just hated Gunnar’s careful manner and the grief and worry he could feel from Riley. He could still feel it from here but it was less intense away from her.

The intensity of his own emotions, and those of his children, was enough for him. He didn’t understand this. How could this have happened? How could he have made such a fuck up of everything? To not even know a sensate he’d birthed was a killer? How could he not have known? It was all his fault. He should have known. He should have done something.

He should have listened to Wolfgang. _He’d_ known there was something untrustworthy about Alois. He’d been able to see what Will hadn’t.

Will curled up on his side and covered his face with his hands as he felt a bitter sob rise in his throat. He’d failed them. Here he was, alive and well and able to talk to them properly, the way Angelica never had, and yet he’d fucked it all up.

He felt Riley come in behind him but he didn’t turn to look at her. He didn’t want to speak. He just wanted to lie there in his own misery. He remembered something Riley said sometimes.

‘It’s not the drugs that make the addict, it’s the need to escape reality.’

He needed to escape reality but there was no longer heroin at his bedside, the way there had been when he’d been hiding from Whispers. There was no escape here for him.

The bed dipped behind him as Riley sat down. He felt her hesitation before she reached out and touched his back in a fingertip caress.

‘Are you all right?’ she asked, softly.

‘What do you think?’ he snapped.

He felt the stab of hurt in her belly and he felt guilt wash over him. But it wasn’t enough to overtake the grief and the bitterness in himself.

‘Elskan,’ she whispered, her voice breaking.

‘Just leave me alone.’

She gripped his shoulder. ‘I can’t do that, elskan. Not when you’re hurting like this.’

He wrenched his shoulder away. ‘I don’t see why not. You can’t help me anyway.’

She hesitated and he felt the sharp pain in her lip as she bit it. ‘We’re all hurting. We should go through it together, help each other. Like we always have.’

He rounded on her, anger spiking through his body. ‘You don’t understand this, Riley!’ he shouted. ‘You don’t understand what’s it’s like for me to lose Elin. She’s like my child. You can’t understand that.’

She raised her chin, blinking furiously as tears filled her eyes. ‘Can’t I?’ she demanded, her voice barely there. For a moment, he saw the flash of memory in her, of crumbling to the snow-covered rock, clutching her dead baby to her chest.

He didn’t say anything. What could he say?

She didn’t say anything either. She just turned and left the room in silence.

Mari and Tora accompanied Niki back to London. They were going to go back to Cardiff together but they wanted to make sure she was all right first. They wanted her with her Kiri.

Kiri knew with one look into Niki’s face that they had not found Elin. She reached out and grasped Niki by her shoulders. She pulled her close and wrapped her arms around her.

‘What happened, my love?’ she asked, holding her tight.

Niki couldn’t reply. She could only bury her head in Kiri’s neck and breathe her in. She didn’t cry. She’d done all that with Mari and Tora. Now she needed strength. She needed Kiri to get through this.

Mari couldn’t speak either. Niki could feel how she felt, like her mouth was stuffed with cotton wool. She couldn’t say it, not yet. It was up to Tora. It wasn’t easy for her either but Tora was more able to separate the emotion from the words, just to say it like a script, not something real that had happened to them.

‘We didn’t find her, only her things. There was a suicide note.’

Kiri’s eyes widened in alarm. ‘Suicide? But why would she do that?’

Tora took a deep breath, grasping Mari’s hand. ‘We think … he made her do it.’

‘Alois?’ Kiri frowned, pulling away from the hug so she could look into Niki’s face. Niki looked back at her, not even knowing how to explain any of this. Kiri kept her arm around her waist. ‘Was … was there a body?’

They shook their heads.

‘Well, maybe … maybe he just wants you to think she’s dead. What would he want with her body? If he wanted to hurt you, he’d leave her there. Maybe she’s not really dead?’ Kiri said, hopefully.

Niki shook her head. ‘I think … I think we’d be able to feel something of her if she was still alive. Before … I was dreaming about her all the time. I could feel her. Now … now there’s nothing.’ She looked round at her cluster. Teddy, Anwar and Rafael were there too, their sadness and their grief overpowering. They all knew the truth. Elin was gone.

Riley sat on the sofa and pulled the knitted blanket around her. Grief pulsed through her, making her chest ache and her mind go foggy. Will was hurting. She knew that. She could feel it. And she knew that when someone was hurting, it was natural to lash out. She’d done it herself. But his words stung so, bringing up so much grief and pain in her own life. Death was carving more holes in her life.

She felt the warmth of another person beside her suddenly and she turned her head and looked into Capheus’s face. His warmth emanated from him and she leaned into his strong embrace.

She felt tears on her face and Nomi wiped them tenderly from her cheeks. Kala took her hand and kissed it, and Sun settled against her other side and held her. Lito was in tears and he stroked her hair back from her face and whispered soft, reassuring words in Spanish. Wolfgang looked at her, a hard set to his jaw.

‘Do you want me to kick his ass?’ he asked.

She smiled and shook her head. ‘Just go and make sure he’s all right.’

He hesitated. ‘He hurt you.’

‘He’s hurting too,’ she said.

Wolfgang just looked at her for a moment. Then, satisfied that she was looked after, he disappeared. A moment later, she felt him with Will. She heard his stern words. She felt Will break down in tears, and she felt Wolfgang’s strong arms wrap around him and hold him tight.


	131. Chapter 131

Flying back to Paris, everything felt different. Wolfgang held Anika in his lap, singing idly to her and thinking back on the last week. Their Diwali party had been all Rajan and Kala’s friends from Mumbai and both sets of families. Although it hadn’t been the original plan, Wolfgang had been so reassured to have Felix there. Of course, his spouses’ friends were always welcoming to him and Kala’s family was great, but he hated the cold looks Manendra gave him. Having Felix by his side had helped him ignore the poisonous man, when all he wanted to do was punch him square in the face.

But going back home, it was like he had to face what had happened. Rajan had already told him he needed to talk to Corinne about it all and Wolfgang knew he was right. He just wasn’t looking forward to it in the slightest.

Felix slung an arm around his shoulder. ‘It’ll be okay, brother.’

Wolfgang sent him a grateful smile. Felix was always optimistic, not quite as optimistic as Capheus, but he always had a kind of faith that things would work out somehow, even when the road to that ending was filled with pain.

‘Ani’s grandparents all seemed to like her,’ said Felix brightly.

Wolfgang gave a wry smile. ‘Oh, yeah, they like her. It’s me they don’t like.’ He sighed. ‘All right, that’s not fair. It’s me Manendra doesn’t like.’

‘Screw him,’ said Felix. ‘Even Rajan says so. You’re more important to him and he’s on your side no matter what.’

Wolfgang glanced across to where Rajan was sleeping in his seat. Kala was beside him, also dozing, her book forgotten in her lap. He smiled. They were both on his side, no matter what.

He looked back at Felix. ‘I’m not sure how Will is going to cope with this.’

‘He seemed all right when I left.’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘He was holding it together then, for his children. Now … he’s barely getting out of bed. He cries. He snaps at Riley. He barely eats, barely sleeps. It’s like …’ He glanced around at the other occupants of First Class. ‘It’s like when he was hiding, except this time there is no plan.’

‘Then you need to make one.’

Wolfgang shrugged, letting Anika examine his fingers like they were something fascinating. ‘What can we do? Elin’s gone. We’re all sure of that.’

‘You need to find Alois. What if he’s planning something more than what he’s already done? What if he’s the next Whispers or something.’

Wolfgang frowned, not sure what to say to that.

‘And even if he’s not planning anything else, he needs to face justice, doesn’t he?’ He smirked. ‘Whether that’s Wolfie justice or something more lenient.’

Wolfgang smiled. For a long time, Felix was the only one who had known about the justice he’d enacted on his father. He knew he’d have no trouble doing that again.

‘I dunno where we’d find him.’

‘What do you know about him?’

‘Not a lot. I didn’t want to know about him.’

‘Then ask the others, Will’s kids. They’ll know, right? Like you all know about each other. Find out where he was born, where he grew up, different places he’s lived, what friends he’s got. Something is going to lead you to him.’ He hesitated, looking intensely at Wolfgang. ‘I think … I think you need to do it, for yourself and because I’m not sure anyone else can. Not yet anyway. You’re so strong, Wolfie, and that’s what they need you to be.’

Wolfgang didn’t reply but he knew Felix was right. He didn’t relish the task but he had to find out about Alois. Only then would he know how to find him. Only then could he do something about him. Only then could he make him pay.

Will woke alone. He was getting used to that now and he cursed himself for it. Riley had stayed away from him for a week, barely talking to him. It wasn’t that she was sulking. He’d hurt her and he knew it. He needed to apologise but he didn’t know how.

He got up and went to the bathroom. He glared at himself in the mirror. He looked like shit. He hadn’t shaved and there were heavy bags under his eyes. His eyes looked red and sore and it was obvious he’d been crying.

He knew he hadn’t really been alone. Different members of the cluster had been with him during the night, like every night. It was like the six of them had agreed never to leave him or Riley on their own. Even now, he looked in the mirror and saw Capheus with him. He was watching him warily, trying to work out what mood he was in that morning.

He turned to Capheus and sighed. ‘I know I need to make it up with her,’ he said. ‘I just don’t know how.’

‘You just need to apologise to her,’ he said.

Will sighed again. ‘I don’t know how to do that.’

‘‘I’m sorry’ normally does the trick,’ said Nomi. Her voice was heavy with sarcasm and her brows knit together in a deep frown. He didn’t need to read her expression to know she was upset with him. He could feel it emanating from her.

‘I’m not sure that’s going to cut it,’ he said.

‘It’s a place to start,’ said Kala. She gave him a gentle push. ‘Why don’t you go now? Gunnar’s gone out. She’s on her own down there. Well, Lito’s there but he’ll go if you want to speak to her.’

Will didn’t move. He wanted to do it. He wanted to just make everything better again but he wasn’t sure he could.

Then he felt two strong hands on his shoulders, stronger than Kala’s. They pushed him, hard.

‘Go,’ said Sun, her mouth a thin line.

‘Now,’ said Wolfgang his jaw set.

Will huffed but obediently went downstairs.

Riley was sitting on the sofa. A blanket was wrapped around her shoulders and she held a cup of coffee in her hands. She was staring blankly ahead, not paying attention to Lito, who was siting beside her, combing his fingers through her hair.

‘Ah,’ said Lito, noticing Will before Riley did. ‘Should I go?’

Riley glanced at Will, but didn’t meet his eyes. She glanced at Lito. ‘You don’t have to.’

Will took a step forward. They others were right. He needed to apologise. He needed to properly make it up with her.

‘Please, Lito. I just need to talk to Riley.’

Lito looked at Riley. ‘I’ll be right back if you need me.’

Riley nodded and Lito disappeared. She sighed and put her coffee up down on the coffee table. ‘What is it?’ 

Will hesitated, then stepped towards her. He sat on the footstool in front of her, then reached for her hands and held them in his. She held her hands stiff and just looked at him.

‘Riley … sweetheart, I don’t have any excuse for what I said and maybe you’ll never forgive me for it but … I’m sorry.’

She looked at him levelly for a moment, then pulled her hands away. ‘Did the others tell you to say that?’

‘I’m speaking from the heart here, Riley. I … I was hurting and I lashed out. I said something unforgivable and I wish I could take it back. I didn’t mean it. I was being an asshole.’

Her lips twitched just a little. ‘In England they’d say you were being a wanker and a dickhead.’

‘You can call me any of those you like.’ He reached for her hand again, cautiously. He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. ‘I’m sorry, Riley. I need you. Please. I need you to get through this.’

She looked at him for a moment, then tugged him close and into her arms. Relief flowed through him as he rested his head on her shoulder and let her warmth wash over him.

‘You’ve got me, elskan,’ she whispered, then kissed his head and just held him in her soft embrace.

Beyond their little cocoon under the blankets, they could both feel the others. They didn’t interfere or say anything but he could feel their relief. Things weren’t right when any of them fell out.


	132. Chapter 132

Niki didn’t know how she would have coped without Kiri. In the day, when they had training or games to focus on, it was one thing. But, at night, that was when she needed Kiri’s quiet, loving strength. In her arms, in the dark of their hotel room, Niki felt safe to cry for the person she had lost. Only those tears, and sometimes letting out the raging anger she had by laying into a punch bag at the gym, helped her keep things together.

The fact that the rest of her cluster were going through the same thing only served to make the whole thing more intense. Sometimes, she felt herself with them. Mari and Tora were together in Mari’s flat in Cardiff and sometimes, Niki found herself with them as well. They would hold her and kiss her and cry with her.

Or sometimes she felt herself with Rafael and Teddy. They were thousands of miles away from each other but they were together almost all the time, comforting each other. When she was with them, they held her tight and strong between them. Sometimes they would sing, the soft lilting words of some pop song, but it was like a lullaby, soothing her to sleep.

More rarely, she found herself with Anwar. That was only in the daytime. He didn’t let anyone close at night. When she saw him, he didn’t really speak. He was usually at work, or watching his boys play in the park. He prayed often and she knew his thoughts were often with Elin, praying for her to have peace. When she joined him, he’d hold her hand and, together, they’d just think of her together in silence.

When it was time for the team to go home, Niki persuaded Kiri to stay in Europe for a little while first. She wanted to make some effort to track Alois. She wanted to go to his office in Paris, and his parents’ home and look for clues. In truth, she also wanted to really make sure Anwar was all right. He kept so much to himself and she knew he was blaming himself, like she was. Maybe they could help each other.

In person, Anwar was quiet, reserved and polite. It felt strange to actually meet him in the flesh. There was more of a distance to him, perhaps related to his culture. There was nothing special about Alois’s house, where Anwar was now staying. It was an ordinary suburban house, on the posh side but not extravagantly so. There was no real sign of Alois there, no personal ornaments, no pictures. There were some books. She browsed these, looking for any sort of clue, but they were all psychology books, or medical books from his studies.

‘Doesn’t he read?’ she asked.

‘Only boring books!’ said Barak and giggled.

‘Barak, watch your manners, please,’ said Anwar.

‘Uncle Alois doesn’t like storybooks,’ said Basir. He gave her a big smile. ‘But I do! You can look at mine if you like. I’ve got some in French now!’

‘Boys, can you go and play in your room for a little while. We’ll go out to the park later, all right?’ said Anwar.

‘All right,’ answered the boys together, then ran off to their room to play. 

Looking around the house, Niki realised there was more of Anwar and the boys’ stuff here than Alois’s, despite coming to the country with almost nothing.

‘Anwar, do you mind me asking a question?’ said Kiri.

He gave her a friendly but polite smile. ‘Not at all.’

‘Are you paying the bills here now?’

Anwar shifted uncomfortably. ‘No, Alois arranged for everything to be paid for.’ He glanced at Niki. ‘A letter came, hand delivered the day after he disappeared with Elin.’ He scratched at his beard. ‘Perhaps I should have said but there were no clues in it.’

Niki sighed heavily. ‘It’s all right. He covered his tracks well. We wouldn’t have been able to track him with a hand delivered letter.’

‘But surely, you can track where the money is coming from?’ said Kiri. ‘That might help, even if it just tells you what country.’ 

Niki stared at her. ‘Do you think that can be done? How do you even find out something like that?’

Kiri shrugged. ‘I don’t know, but I bet Mari and Nomi know how, wouldn’t they?’

‘I can try,’ said Mari, suddenly beside them. Her eyes were puffy but she had a determined set to her chin. ‘I’m sure Nomi will help me too.’ She looked at Anwar. ‘Do you know of anywhere else, any other houses he might have access to?’

Anwar thought for a moment. ‘There’s his parents’ place here in Paris. He has an apartment in Berlin too and a bigger place somewhere in the German countryside. I don’t know where that is but we stayed in the apartment when he came to get me.’

‘That’s a place to start,’ said Niki.

She looked around at her cluster, who were suddenly all there with her. ‘What are we going to do if we find him?’ she asked.

There was silence for a moment and Niki could feel a tangle of conflicting emotions emanating from all of them.

‘Let’s worry about that later,’ said Rafael. ‘We don’t know what we’re going to find until we find it. Then we can decide what to do.’

‘If we’re going to Germany, maybe we should take some help with us,’ said Teddy. He looked around at them all. ‘None of us are fighters.’ He smiled a little. ‘Unless you count a rugby tackle.’

‘I can handle Alois,’ said Niki.

‘But we don’t know what we’re going to find,’ said Teddy. ‘He might not be alone. Maybe we should take some help with us.’

‘Who were you thinking?’ she asked.

‘Will’s cluster has three good fighters in it,’ said Rafael. ‘Even if we take just one, they’ll be able to protect us.’

‘You want to ask Wolfgang,’ said Niki.

Rafael nodded. ‘I’d ask Will but … I’m not sure he could do what might need to be done with Alois.’

There was a silence as it occurred to them all what Rafael meant. It might be necessary that Alois didn’t come out of this alive. If he was a danger to them …

Niki took a deep breath. ‘All right. We can ask.’ She looked from Rafael to Anwar and back. ‘Do you think he’d agree.’

‘All I know is, he’s as angry about this as we are,’ said Rafael. He hesitated, then added, ‘It’s personal to him.’

Niki looked at Anwar. ‘I guess you and I should go and ask him then.’


	133. Chapter 133

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conversation about a past attempted suicide and past domestic abuse in this chapter. Not graphic but take care.

‘Oh, that poor girl,’ said Oma. ‘What an awful end to it all.’ She cuddled Anika close in her lap. ‘Simply awful.’

They’d been home from Mumbai for a few days and Oma and Felix had come round for dinner. Kala had explained about Elin because Wolfgang couldn’t bring himself to talk about it. He had been to see Corinne a couple of days ago and he felt a little better but the horror of it all was still very raw.

‘That’s one guy that needs a kick in the nuts,’ said Felix, savagely.

Oma shook her head in disbelief. ‘It’s dreadful. To do that to one of your own cluster. Your Opa always said his cluster was like his family and I know you feel the same about yours.’

‘We just can’t understand it,’ said Kala. She glanced at Wolfgang. ‘We keep thinking he must be like Whispers. He killed all his own cluster, and so many more of us. He can’t have felt anything for any of us.’

‘Like a psychopath or something?’ asked Felix.

‘I’m not sure that’s the term used anymore,’ said Rajan. ‘But someone who doesn’t feel anything for other people, no empathy. Like … like serial killers, who see people as objects just to fulfil their own desires.’

‘It’s just our luck that we meet two of the bastards,’ said Wolfgang, bitterly.

Oma gave him a look. ‘Watch your language in front of the baby, Mäuschen.’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes but didn’t argue.

‘We’re just not sure what to do now,’ said Kala.

‘He’ll know he’s done something he shouldn’t have done, so he won’t be easy to find,’ said Oma.

‘We’ve asked around,’ said Kala. ‘We’re hoping someone will have connected with him or someone who’s seen him. We asked all the Sensates we know.’

They’d spent the previous day doing that. From Mr Hoy, to Puck, to Yrsa, Bodhi and even what remained of Wolfgang’s Opa’s cluster. They had all been asked. They could only hope that somebody would know something.

‘That’s a good idea. This is somebody you have to stop.’ Oma put her hand on Wolfgang’s arm. ‘How are you coping with it all, Mäuschen?’

He shrugged. ‘I’m fine,’ he lied. He avoided Rajan’s knowing gaze. The nightmares had continued, though he’d managed to avoid the temptation to drink to get to sleep. He hadn’t had so much as a glass of wine. He did admit to sneaking out for the odd cigarette on the balcony though. It was the only thing that seemed to work. Once or twice, he’d even ended up falling asleep on the balcony, even though it was cold and sometimes icy out there. The cool, fresh air seemed to help him sleep.

‘We were thinking of transferring Anika into the nursery after Christmas,’ said Kala, in a definite manner of changing the subject. ‘She doesn’t need feeding much in the night now and she’ll be one before we know it.’

‘It’s a good time,’ said Oma, smiling. ‘While she’s still young enough to get used to it.’

Wolfgang allowed himself to zone out while they chatted. He felt Rajan’s gaze on him, and Felix’s, but nobody said anything. Just talking about it made him want a cigarette. After a moment, he got up and, without a word, slipped out onto the balcony.

Once there, he leaned against the railing and took out a cigarette. He didn’t light it though, not yet. Instead, he felt for Will. He was still worried about him, although more than ready to kick his ass if Riley needed him to.

They were together, alone in the house. Riley had her headphones on and he could hear the heavy beat of her music. Will was watching TV, a cup of coffee in his lap. Wolfgang could tell he wasn’t really watching the program. He was just desperate for something to distract him.

Riley slipped her headphones off and nudged Will. ‘Wolfgang’s here.’

Will glanced up at him. ‘It’s all right. I’m behaving.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘I just wanted to … make sure you were both all right.’

Riley reached out and took Will’s hand. ‘We’re taking one day at a time.’

Wolfgang nodded again, but then felt a soft hand take his as well. He looked to his side and there was Kala. She gave him a reassuring smile.

‘One day at a time,’ she repeated.

Wolfgang was silent for a moment, then he looked at Will and he knew his expression was fierce. ‘If we find him, I’ll kill him.’

Will looked back at him, pain in his eyes. Wolfgang could feel it pulsing in him. Despite everything he’d done, he still loved Alois. Wolfgang thought of Angelica. He knew, with absolute certainty that she would always love all of them, that The Mother would always love Whispers. They couldn’t help it. There was an irresistible pull, like there was between members of a cluster. They couldn’t help but love each other.

It was why what Alois had done made so little sense to him.

‘You look like you’re in a dreamworld,’ said Oma.

Wolfgang blinked and found himself back on his balcony, his Oma’s hand on his arm. The unlit cigarette was still nestled between his fingers.

‘Just checking on Will.’

Oma clicked her tongue. ‘Oh, that poor boy. This must be so hard for him.’ 

Wolfgang didn’t say anything. He could feel how hard it was for Will, for all of them. And he could feel how difficult it was for Elin’s cluster as well. They were all grieving for her. He didn’t know how to explain to Oma the overwhelming crescendo of emotions he was experiencing.

He leaned on the railing, looking down at the street below as he lit his cigarette. Oma was watching him.

He took a deep drag before he glanced at her. ‘You don’t need to worry about me, you know,’ he said.

She raised an eyebrow. ‘Has you telling me not to worry ever stopped me worrying?’

‘Never. But I live in hope.’

Oma leaned against him. ‘Oh, Wolfgang, I wish I could fix it for you.’

He put his arm around her, taking care not to get cigarette smoke on her. She hardly ever used his name. She really must be worried about him.

‘I’m okay, Oma.’

She looked at him. ‘Are you having nightmares _every_ night, Mäuschen?’

He tensed, taking his arm from around her and taking a long drag on his cigarette. He didn’t reply.

Oma reached up and smoothed a strand of hair back from his forehead. She could only reach because he was leaning down onto the railing. ‘You act like I don’t know you, Mäuschen, that I don’t know what you’ve been through.’

He looked at her. Her eyes were wet but she didn’t let any tears fall. Her jaw was set and he recognised something of himself in her face.

‘But I know, my little one. I know.’

He looked down. ‘There’s things I’ve never told you about.’

‘And I’ve never asked.’ She smiled, somewhat sadly. ‘Maybe we should’ve talked about it but … there’s so much pain there.’

‘It’s always been easier to just push it away. That’s what I’m used to doing.’

She linked her arm with his and sighed. ‘I have to admit, I think I’m probably where you get that from. It’s something I’ve done for over thirty years.’

‘It’s not harmed you, has it?’

‘Of course it has,’ said Oma. ‘It hurts me every day and I’ve got to live with it. I want better for you.’

He pulled away, stubbing out his cigarette in the ash tray on the table. He sat down at the patio table and leaned back, looking up at the dark sky.

‘Mama tried to kill herself once,’ he said.

He heard Oma’s small, sharp intake of breath, then she came to sit beside him. ‘What happened?’ she asked softly.

He glanced at her, then away. ‘It wasn’t that she wanted to leave me. She just … he drove her to it. Hurt her, berated her.’ He swallowed hard. ‘Raped her. He was angry with her about something and she couldn’t take his punishments anymore. Started taking these pills.’ He tried to take a deep breath but it was harsh and ragged. ‘I just remember her crying and the bruises coming out on her face. She was bleeding from somewhere.’

‘How … how old were you?’ Oma asked, her voice unsteady.

He shrugged. ‘Six, maybe seven. I remember him coming back in. He wasn’t angry anymore, just … cold. I just remember him watching her taking these tablets. Then he called her a stupid bitch and he picked her up and took her away.’

‘They left you on your own?’

He gave her a wry smile. ‘I was safer on my own than with him.’ He looked down, deciding not to tell her about the days that had followed, when his mama had been at hospital and he’d been either home at the mercy of his father, or alone in that house.

He glanced at her. ‘She did want out. She just didn’t know how to.’

Oma blinked rapidly, then looked away for a moment to gather herself before she looked back at him. ‘We lost her, but _you_ got out and that’s important.’

He looked down at his hands, clasped in his lap. ‘We didn’t get Elin out. I need to stop him hurting anyone else.’

Oma reached out and took his hand. ‘You’re not responsible for what he did, just like you’re not responsible for what your father did.’

‘I need to stop him,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Just like I stopped my father.’

Oma just looked at him, squeezing his hand.

Behind them the balcony door opened. They looked round and saw Rajan. Wolfgang saw him assessing the situation in a matter of seconds.

‘You all right?’ he asked, laying his hand on Wolfgang’s shoulder.

Wolfgang cleared his throat, sitting up a little straighter and nodding. ‘Yeah, fine.’

‘Okay, well you’ve got visitors. Kala says it’s Anwar and Niki.’

Wolfgang stood up. ‘I’ll come through.’

Rajan caught hold of his hand and looked closely at him. ‘You sure you’re all right?’

Wolfgang squeezed his hand but made sure not to meet his eyes. ‘I’m fine.’ He moved past Rajan and back inside. He heard Rajan and Oma exchanging a few words before they followed him through.


	134. Chapter 134

When Wolfgang stepped through to the living room, he saw that Kala was opening the front door to let the visitors in and he realised she must have felt them coming. Felix was sitting on the sofa, with Anika climbing up his chest like he was a baby gym so she could see who was coming in.

Felix glanced at him and his expression was casual but Wolfgang knew he was checking he was all right. Wolfgang gave him a friendly smile and leaned down to take Anika into his arms so he could focus on her instead of his friend. He thought Felix probably saw through the ploy but there was no time to say anything because the next moment, Niki and Kiri, following by Anwar and his boys were walking into the living room.

Wolfgang met Niki’s eyes for the first time, though he’d seen her through Will, and she had seen him through Rafael and Anwar. She was an attractive woman but she had a strength to her that he didn’t often see. It was a strength beyond the physical and he knew she could face almost anything. But in her eyes, he could see her grief for Elin and he knew, without needing to be told, that she loved her. He wondered if she knew it herself yet, or if she was even allowing herself to feel it.

Rajan and Kala did the introductions. They were good at that sort of thing. They were the perfect hosting team and had refreshments provided in just a few short moments.

Wolfgang sat down with Anika and braced himself for what they were going to say.

‘We need to talk about Alois,’ said Anwar. He looked nervous and he rubbed his short beard anxiously, glancing at his boys.

Oma swooped in. ‘Hello, boys, why don’t you come with me and I’ll give you the grand tour. I know all the secret places,’ she said, conspiratorially.

The boys glanced at their father for permission. Once he gave it, they scampered eagerly to Oma’s side. Although they had only met her once, they already trusted her. Oma was so kind that children always liked her.

‘Do you want me to take Anika?’ she asked Wolfgang.

Wolfgang shook his head, holding onto his daughter. ‘I want her to stay with me.’

Oma glanced at Rajan and Kala but didn’t argue. She took the boys off to explore the flat a little. 

Wolfgang looked around. Niki, Kiri and Anwar all looked anxious but purposeful, as if they had decided something. Kala sat forward, frowning anxiously.

‘What is it? Has something else happened?’

Niki shook her head. ‘No but we’ve decided what we’re going to do next.’

Wolfgang leaned forward a little. ‘So have we.’

Rajan and Kala looked at him in surprise. ‘We have?’ asked Kala.

Wolfgang nodded, joggling Anika on his knee. She was watching him and kept patting his mouth, like she was studying the shapes his mouth made as he spoke in English. He realised he hardly ever spoke in English to her, more a mix of German and Hindi. Rajan was the one who spoke a lot of English to her, as well as Hindi.

‘We need to find Alois and stop him from hurting anyone else,’ said Wolfgang.

Niki let out a breath, reaching for Kiri’s hand and clasped it like the feel of it in hers gave her strength. Wolfgang understood that.

‘We know he has access to several properties so we have decided they might be a good place to start,’ said Anwar. ‘We know where his parents’ house is in Paris, and his flat in Berlin. He has another property, this grand place somewhere in the German countryside although we have yet to find out where it is.’

‘Nomi and Mari can find out where it is,’ said Wolfgang.

‘That’s what we thought,’ said Niki. ‘But in the meantime, we want to go to the ones we do know about only … we’re worried in case he does have someone else with him, someone who can fight.’

‘Niki and I can both throw a punch if we need to,’ said Kiri. ‘But if they can do martial arts or … have weapons, that’s a different thing.’

‘I’ll come with you,’ said Wolfgang immediately. There was nothing he’d like better than to kill that bastard, or at least punch him out and break some bones.

Immediately, Niki’s face broke into a smile and she sat up straighter. ‘I was hoping you’d say that.’

‘Wait,’ said Rajan, abruptly. ‘I think we need to talk about this.’

Wolfgang frowned at him. He put Anika down on the sofa in between him and Kala and stood up. ‘What’s there to talk about?’ he asked, annoyed. ‘Alois needs be stopped and I can stop him.’

Rajan looked back at him and Wolfgang could see him attempting to keep hold of his patience. ‘I just think we need to take our time and think properly about it.’

‘Why are you trying to stop me going? This is important.’

Rajan took a deep breath, then reached out and placed a calming hand on his shoulder. ‘I’m not trying to stop you,’ he said, calmly. ‘Will you just listen a moment?’

Wolfgang turned away. He didn’t want to listen. He needed to do this. It was important. Kala stood beside him and slipped her hand through his. ‘Just listen,’ she said gently.

He looked into her face and he could feel her worry. He felt a twinge of guilt in his belly and he looked back at Rajan.

‘What is it?’ he asked.

Rajan’s gaze flickered to Kala, then back to him. ‘I don’t want you to go alone.’

Wolfgang looked confused. ‘I won’t be alone. That’s the point. I’ll be with them,’ he said, nodding towards Niki, Kiri and Anwar.

Rajan’s gaze shifted away from him and he shifted awkwardly. ‘Well … I just think …’

Suddenly, Felix stepped up beside Wolfgang and slung an arm around his shoulder. ‘He wants someone there to stop you, brother,’ he said.

Wolfgang looked at him.

‘Just so you don’t go too far,’ said Rajan. ‘We don’t want anyone to get into legal trouble.’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘Fine.’ He glanced at Felix. ‘You’ll come, won’t you?’

Felix slapped his shoulder. ‘Course. I’m used to keeping you out of trouble.’ He glanced around at them all. ‘Is that settled then? Course I’m positive I saw one of Rajan’s chocolate gateaux in that kitchen.’

‘You did indeed, Felix,’ said Rajan. ‘And there’s plenty for everybody,’ he added, to the others. ‘So you’re all welcome to stay.’ 

Wolfgang sat back down on the sofa and picked Anika up. She babbled happily at him and he gave her a cuddle. He knew Rajan was right but he didn’t like it. He didn’t want to be stopped. He wanted to kill that motherfucker and screw the consequences.


	135. Chapter 135

They didn’t talk about their plans over dessert, because Anwar’s boys were there, happily tucking into their slices of cake. Wolfgang focused on helping Anika with her little portion. He had to smile. It was getting all over her face and hands but the smile on her face made the inevitable work of giving her a bath worth it.

Niki and Kiri hadn’t sorted out a hotel yet so Kala and Rajan insisted they stay with them. Wolfgang didn’t mind. It would make it easier to sort out what they were doing and when.

After they’d finished their gateaux, Anwar stood up. ‘That was delicious,’ he said. ‘But I think we should be going now. I need to get these two to bed.’

‘Oh, Baba, please!’ said Basir in Arabic.

‘Can’t we stay a bit longer?’ asked Barak

‘No, we have to go to school tomorrow to meet the headteacher before you start in January so we all need to be well rested.’

The boys didn’t argue anymore and they all said goodbye to each other. Anwar promised he would be there when they needed him and took his boys home.

‘Right, I think Anika needs a bath,’ said Kala.

Wolfgang stood up. ‘I’ll do it,’ he said. From the looks that Rajan had been giving him, he knew he wanted to talk to him. He was keen to avoid that. He lifted Anika into his arms and carried her off.

Behind him, he heard Kala and Rajan still playing hosts. Oma and Felix were still there, as well as Niki and Kiri.

Wolfgang was content to let them play host while he shut himself away with his daughter. Everybody always wanted to _talk_ to him about stuff, or to get him to talk about stuff he didn’t want to talk about. But Anika didn’t want any of that from him. She just wanted his smiles and his funny faces and his love.

It took only a few moments to run the bath for her and he spent several happy minutes getting her clean as she splashed in the warm water. He was just lifting her out and wrapping her in a soft, warm towel when the bathroom door opened. He glanced up, expecting Rajan or Kala, but it was Oma. She smiled warmly at him.

‘You’re such a loving father,’ she said, fondly.

Anika was a warm bundle in her towel and he held her against his chest and smiled. ‘I’d do anything for her.’

Oma stepped closer and reached up to touch his cheek lightly. ‘I know you would.’

He frowned at her. ‘This is going to be a serious chat, isn’t it?’

Oma sighed. ‘I just want you to remember Anika if you find this Alois.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘She needs you, Mäuschen. She needs you to be _here_ , not extradited back to Germany and thrown in prison for murder.’

Wolfgang looked at his happy little daughter, this little life he loved so much. When she looked at him, she saw her Vati. She saw someone who loved her, someone who would do anything for her, someone she needed.

He looked back at Oma. ‘I’ll remember, Oma,’ he said, softly. ‘I promise.’

Oma smiled at him, then leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. ‘And remember your Oma, because I don’t want to lose you either.’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘Oma … some people deserve to die.’

Oma sighed heavily. ‘They do, but you don’t deserve to have to stain your own soul for someone like that. You deserve a long happy life with your family.’

‘Oma … my father …’

Oma looked away. ‘We don’t need to talk about him.’ She looked back at him and her gaze was fierce. ‘He got what he deserved.’

Wolfgang took a deep breath and nodded.

She hugged him, kissed Anika, then pulled back. ‘I’m going to go home now. Rajan’s driving Felix and me home.’

‘Tell Felix I’ll call him tomorrow.’ He smiled at his daughter. ‘I’ve got to get this one to bed. It’s getting late.’

Oma kissed him again, then let herself out of the bathroom. He heard her footsteps on the stairs a moment later.

He got Anika into a diaper and dressed in her cosy footie pyjamas, before he carried her through to the bedroom. As he entered, so did Kala from the other door. She gave him a warm smile. ‘Is she all ready for me?’ she asked.

‘She certainly is,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Though I’m not sure how much milk she’ll want after that cake.’

Kala settled herself in her nursing chair in the corner of the room before reaching for her daughter. ‘Even if she doesn’t take much, it’ll still make her all sleepy.’ She settled Anika at her breast and smiled down at her as she started to feed.

Wolfgang dimmed the lights, then sighed and sat on the bed. For a little while, the quiet was broken only by the sound of Anika feeding noisily. Then Kala sent him a searching look and said, quite casually, ‘Rajan’s worried about you.’

Wolfgang sighed again. ‘I know. But he doesn’t need to be. I’m all right. I’m coping.’

‘We have noticed you’ve been having nightmares every night,’ she said, mildly. ‘It’d be difficult not to notice.’

Wolfgang examined his hands, fighting the urge to crack his knuckles because he knew she hated the sound. ‘It’s nothing I can’t handle,’ he said, in an offhand manner.

She looked at him. ‘You can handle anything. It doesn’t mean you should have to. Not alone.’

‘You shouldn’t have to deal with it either.’

‘Better than you dealing with it alone.’ She sighed, stroking Anika’s dark hair. ‘That’s all we want you know, just to help.’

Wolfgang was silent for a little while, not sure how to say what he wanted to say. Then he plucked up the courage. ‘Do you think … I need stopping?’

She hesitated. ‘I think … it’s a good idea to someone with you who understands you, so you don’t do anything you might regret.’

Anika unlatched and Kala sat her up to wind her. As she did so, she met Wolfgang’s gaze unflinchingly.

‘Alois has already destroyed Elin. Don’t let him destroy you too.’

He looked back at her for a moment, then nodded. ‘I’ve already promised Oma I won’t do anything that’ll separate me from my family. That’s the most important thing.’

‘Yes. I understand why your feelings about this are so strong but it’s important to remember what matters.’ She stood and laid a sleepy Anika into her cot. Anika yawned and stretched out her little arms and legs.

Kala sat beside him on the bed, took his hand and kissed it. ‘We’ll all be with you while you look for him. We’re all in this together.’

He squeezed her hand gently. ‘I know.’


	136. Chapter 136

Wolfgang didn’t go back through to the living room when Kala did. He wanted to be on his own for a little while. He undressed for the night and lay on the bed in his boxer shorts, listening to the even but noisy breathing of his daughter in her cot. There was something comforting about her contented presence.

He hoped he would not have to be away from her for long. The most he’d been away from her in her entire life was an hour or two for his therapy sessions or for a workout. But this was important. They had to stop Alois hurting anyone else. Though how he was to do that without killing him, he didn’t know.

He wanted to find out what he could as well, about why Alois had done what he had done. That would help Elin’s cluster, and Will and her parents. Maybe they could even find a body. He knew how that helped.

The image of the last time he’d seen his mother, so still and bloody, flashed through his head. He knew she was dead but they had never found her body. She had simply gone missing, just like Elin. Her absence was like a black hole in his life, one he could never fill. It was still something he struggled to process, that she was just gone.

Another memory came to his mind; the image of his sneakers pressing on his father’s neck, the burn of the cord in his hands, the low grunts as his father struggled to free himself, the stink of petrol and melting flesh as he set his body to burn.

He shuddered. He didn’t like to think of that. There was too much pain, too much grief bound up in that moment. Not grief for his father but for his mama and for the life he should have had with her.

The door opened and Rajan came in. ‘Hey,’ he said, giving Wolfgang a smile but, at the same time, looking him over.

‘I’m all right,’ Wolfgang said, a little grumpily.

Rajan went to the cot, gazing into it and smiling. ‘Fast asleep.’ He glanced at Wolfgang. ‘Nothing to trouble her.’

Wolfgang sighed heavily. ‘Unlike me, I suppose.’

‘You said it, my love,’ said Rajan, sitting down on the bed. He reached out and took Wolfgang’s hand. ‘I’m worried about you.’

‘I’m all right.’

‘You don’t seem it. You seem sort of … not really with it.’

Wolfgang looked at him and let out another sigh. ‘I’m not really. But …’

‘What?’

‘Will you do me a favour and not go on at me?’

‘I don’t mean to have a go …’

‘Raj,’ Wolfgang interrupted, meeting his eyes. ‘Just … just be with me.’

Rajan’s face softened and he shuffled up to sit next to him. He slipped his arm around his shoulders and Wolfgang let himself relax into his gentle embrace. He fit perfectly against him, tucked into his side with Rajan’s fingers playing across the skin of his shoulder. He closed his eyes, just focusing on the warmth of Rajan against him. He could hear his heartbeat, steady and even like Anika’s breathing.

Rajan dropped a kiss into his hair and sighed. ‘I can’t help worrying about you, you know.’

Wolfgang glanced up at him. ‘I know. But Oma and Kala have already made me promise I won’t kill him.’

Rajan frowned. ‘It’s not that. Well … it was but Oma told me about her talk with you and Felix has promised he’ll keep you under control.’

Wolfgang snorted. ‘As if anyone could do that.’

Rajan smiled. ‘If anyone can, it’s Felix.’

Wolfgang trailed his fingers up Rajan’s chest and gave him a teasing smile. ‘It depends what sort of control we’re talking about here.’

Rajan rolled his eyes. ‘Behave.’ He sighed. ‘I just want to know that … you’re okay. The nightmares … they’re worse than they’ve been for a long time and I’m just worried you’re not dealing with something.’

Wolfgang sat up a little and looked seriously at him. ‘The thing is, Raj, with me, there’s always going to be something. I’m never going to be healed. You’re just going to have to get used to it.’

Rajan smiled, reaching out to cup Wolfgang’s cheek tenderly. ‘I’m used to you, all right.’ He tugged him close and kissed him. ‘And I don’t want to change you. I just need a bit of reassurance that you’re coping.’ 

‘I’m coping … or at least, I’ll get there.’

Rajan held his gaze for a moment, then nodded and pulled him close again. They settled back into their easy embrace again. After a while, Kala joined them and they cuddled up in bed together.

Wolfgang settled down in between his spouses, hoping for at least one night without nightmares.

Niki lay down in the unfamiliar bed in the Rasals’ apartment. It had been very kind of Kala and Rajan to offer them a bed and it was very comfortable but she was so on edge, she didn’t know how she was going to sleep.

She watched Kiri getting ready for bed. She knew her girlfriend saw right through any front she was putting up. She always did, ever since they were kids together, she’d seen right through her. She’d even known that she liked her before Niki herself knew.

Kiri disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes and, when she returned, she slipped straight into bed beside her. She reached for Niki, sliding her arm across her waist and kissing her cheek.

‘I’ve got you,’ she whispered.

Niki turned into her and breathed in her scent. As always, she smelt of summer air and freshly cut grass. That scent always made Niki feel calmer.

Kiri drew circles on her back, slow and comforting. ‘I know it’s awful,’ she murmured. ‘More painful than anything you’ve ever experienced but you’re not alone. You’ve got me and you’ve got your cluster.’

‘I know. I just wish … I wish I could go back and fix it. I can’t bear that she’s gone and we didn’t even feel it. She’s just … not there anymore.’

‘Maybe it’s better that you didn’t. I can’t even imagine the pain of feeling another person’s death, especially someone you care so much about. Maybe it’s better not to have to feel that.’

‘Maybe.’ Niki didn’t want to think about it anymore. She just wanted to push it all away. But she didn’t want to push Elin away. She didn’t want to put her out of her mind or to forget her. She wanted to keep her in her mind and her heart forever.

_The darkness surrounds them. It presses down on them, pushing them beneath its all-consuming presence. There is nothing._

_There is nothing but the darkness._

_They see nothing but emptiness but their breath is loud in the stillness. They reach out but they cannot feel anything. There is no one there. They are alone._

_They are helpless in the dark. Danger is close. They can feel it but they cannot fight it. They have no energy left to fight. They have no energy left to carry on. They have no energy left to live._

Wolfgang jerked awake in a panic. His skin was hot and clammy with sweat and his breathing came so hard his chest hurt. His pulse was racing and he felt as though something were pressing down on him. He had to get out.

He climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom. For once, he didn’t feel like he wanted to throw up but he needed to calm down. He got in the shower and rinsed off and that helped a little but it wasn’t enough. He needed air.

He pulled on some shorts and a t-shirt and left the bedroom. He wasn’t sure what his plan was, just that he needed to get some more air. By instinct, he headed up to the terrace, where the swimming pool was. It had been a long time since he’d felt the urge to go up there after a nightmare but this time it was impossible to ignore.

He stopped when he realised there was someone else there. It took him a moment to realise it was Niki. She hadn’t turned the lights on and she was just sitting there, on the edge of the pool with her feet dangling in the water. He could make her out by the ambient light of the city and she turned to look at him.

‘I hope you don’t mind me coming up here?’ she said.

He shook his head. ‘Not at all.’ He sat down beside her and trailed his own feet through the water.

They sat in silence for a while and he could feel the slightly ragged edge to her own breathing. Their recently established connection also allowed him to feel how fast her heart was beating and the still-pulsing feeling of panic that flooded her body.

He felt something of Will with them too, though he couldn’t see him. He could just feel his worry, past the grief which still overwhelmed him.

‘I had a nightmare too,’ he found himself confessing.

Niki looked at him. ‘How did you know?’

He shrugged. ‘We’re connected now. It’s different from your connections with your cluster but we can still feel what each other feels. It’s just not as strong as within your cluster and, unfortunately, I can’t share my fighting skills with you.’

She smiled. ‘I guess your physical presence will have to do.’ She bit her lip. ‘How many times have you had to promise not to kill Alois?’

He chuckled softly. ‘A few times. You?’

‘Same. Anwar is the most torn, I think. Alois was kind to him. Without him, he might not even have found a job or a place to live. Teddy hates any kind of confrontation and Mari and Tora are frightened of anyone else getting hurt.’

‘And Rafi?’

Niki smiled. ‘He’s pretty much on my side.’ She sighed. ‘But that’s a problem too. We _can’t_ kill him. For a start, I don’t think I could bring myself to do it, despite what he’s done. He’s still … part of me. It’d be like … murdering a part of my own soul.’

‘I know. I guess we should focus on finding him before we decide what to do with him.’ He looked at her. ‘What was your nightmare about?’

She kicked her legs in the water, watching the way the movement made waves all across the pool. ‘Darkness,’ she said. ‘Pressing over me, making me helpless.’

Wolfgang shuddered. ‘Yeah. Same.’


	137. Chapter 137

The next morning, they decided over breakfast that the four of them would head straight out to Alois’s parents’ house, which a metro ride away from the apartment. Rajan and Kala both asked if they should come but Wolfgang refused to let them. He had no intention of allowing his family to go into danger.

Niki felt the same about her cluster. Mari, Tora and Teddy had all volunteered to come over to help, or to meet them in Germany for that part of it but she didn’t want them to be in danger either. Wolfgang knew she had doubts about Kiri too, but they seemed to have sorted that out between them. Besides, despite being slighter than Niki, she was wiry and gave the impressions he could look after herself.

As he rode the metro with Felix, Niki and Kiri, Wolfgang saw Will. They didn’t speak but he could feel Will’s anxiety. Riley was with him but she wasn’t visiting, as she was so focused on keeping him calm. Wolfgang could feel Will’s heart racing and it felt like there was a weight on his chest, making it hard to breathe. But Riley’s hand was soft in his and her gentle words washed over him, reassuring him.

Wolfgang pulled away from them. He needed all his energy to keep himself calm. He’d asked Kala to stay away and she was, sharing her worries with Rajan instead. But sitting beside him was Sun. She was completely calm. They didn’t say anything to each other either but he followed the pattern of her steady breathing and that helped.

They had to walk a little bit once they got off the metro and Wolfgang started to think forward to what he was going to find. He suspected they wouldn’t find Alois himself here. It was a little too obvious if he didn’t want to be found. But then, sometimes people did do the obvious thing so it was worth trying. What he was more hopeful for was some sort of clue from his parents where he might be.

His eyes widened as they turned a corner and saw the house. It was more of a mansion than a house and he was instantly reminded of his uncle’s mansion. He’d got in there without much of a plan once and nearly died. And here he was doing it again.

‘I guess I don’t learn,’ he murmured.

Felix squeezed his shoulder. ‘We’re not planning on shooting up this place though, brother.’

Wolfgang gave him a brief smile and nodded. Niki glanced back at him, her eyebrows raised.

‘Sounds like you’ve had some interesting experiences.’

He shrugged. ‘I’ll tell you about them sometime.’

Kiri laced her hand through Niki’s. ‘We’re all going to keep calm,’ she said. She looked, almost sternly, at Wolfgang, then at Niki. ‘No interrogations, either of you.’

Niki grinned. ‘We’ll behave.’ She glanced to her side. ‘Do we know what languages his parents speak?’

Rafael was there suddenly. ‘French and German. They do speak English but they don’t like it. If you get his mother, go for French. His father, German.’

Niki nodded. ‘This language stuff is useful. Even when he’s hiding himself from us, we can still share his language ability.’

‘I think that’s a permanent change,’ said Wolfgang. ‘My Opa’s cluster still know German even though he’s dead now.’

‘I still know Icelandic,’ said Niki, her voice suddenly tight.

They didn’t speak again until they reached the front door. Wolfgang had expected to have to get through security gates but they were open and there was no one around to stop them reaching the front door. Obviously, Alois’s parents were not as paranoid as Alois himself.

Niki knocked on the door, with Kiri at her side. Wolfgang and Felix stood behind them, back a little but ready just in case.

After several minutes, a woman in a skirt suit opened the door. She was blonde and had the same sharp eyes as Alois, though hers were a clear blue instead of greenish blue. She had a falsely tight look to her face, like she’d had a little work done. It made it difficult to tell her age, except that she was obviously not young.

‘Excusez-moi, madame, pouvez vous nous aider?’ said Niki.

The woman frowned impatiently at them. ‘Well?’ she demanded, in tightly pronounced French. ‘What do you want? We do not give to charities here.’

‘We are looking for a friend of ours. Alois Ricken. Is he here?’

‘Of course not,’ she replied, grumpily. ‘He’s in the Wannsee house.’ She narrowed her eyes at them. ‘If you really _are_ friends of his, you’ll know where that is.’ She waved them away impatiently, as though she were shooing away an errant animal. ‘Now, if you please, I have a very important meeting to go to.’ She turned back into the house. ‘Hans, do not answer the door,’ she called, switching to German. ‘There are unwanted visitors here.’

‘Ja, was auch immer du sagst, mein Schatz,’ came back a somewhat distracted voice.

Alois’s mother stepped out of the house, shutting the door firmly behind her and locking it before she waved them away again and stepped past them, towards a garage next to the house. She disappeared into it and a few moments later, the electric door opened and she sped past them in a black Bugatti Veyron.

‘She’s telling the truth,’ said Lito.

Wolfgang glanced at Niki. ‘Come on. He’s not here.’

Niki glanced at Kiri, who nodded. ‘Agreed,’ Niki said, as they started to make their way away from the house. ‘We need to sort out getting to Germany then. At least we know where she thinks he is. I guess that should be our next stop. Wolfgang, do you know the Wannsee region at all?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Never been.’

‘I have,’ said Felix. ‘Loads of Berliners go there when the weather gets nice. There are a few posh houses around. It should be easy for Nomi to find out which one belongs to them.’

‘I’m on it,’ said Nomi, although only Wolfgang could hear her. ‘Mari and I will have the information for you before you get to Germany.’

‘I guess we should go and pack then,’ said Wolfgang.

Felix slung his arm around his shoulders as they walked. ‘Just a change of pants and a gun then!’ he said, with a cheerful grin.

Wolfgang grinned. ‘I thought you were supposed to be keeping me out of trouble.’

‘I guess,’ said Felix. He gave Wolfgang a playful shove. ‘You’re so boring since you settled down.’

Wolfgang smiled but part of him was in Will’s living room, watching his friend’s anxious face and feeling the grief inside him. He didn’t want to lose yet another of his children.


	138. Chapter 138

Wolfgang focused on the warm, solid feeling of Anika in his arms. He kissed the top of her head and breathed in her scent, memorising it for his few days away. Her chubby little fingers grasped his shirt tight and she babbled happily as he hugged her.

Then Kala slipped her arm around his waist, pressing her body against his and he turned his head to kiss her. It was easier to leave her, because she would be with him when he needed her. But still, the feeling of physically being with her was different and he would miss that.

Rajan wrapped his arms around the three of them, holding them all close and Wolfgang breathed them all in, the feel of the three of them with him.

Then he pulled away. ‘I’ll be back in a couple of days.’ He grinned. ‘You won’t even have time to miss me.’

Rajan smiled. ‘You know that’s not true.’

He shrugged, looking at his daughter. ‘You be good for your mama and papa, Mäuslein. No keeping them up all night.’

She babbled back an answer that, to her, probably made sense. He kissed her again, then passed her over to Rajan and picked up his bag.

‘Right, I’m going,’ he said, then turned and left, making his way down to join the others waiting downstairs for him.

On the plane, his thoughts were all over the place. It had been years since he’d been to Berlin, not since he’d gone to find Oma. Maybe he should go more often but who did he have there now? The only person from his old life still around was Felix, and he spent just as much time in Paris as he did in Berlin.

He should bring Anika here one day. It was, after all, part of where she had come from. She was half German and it was important she know who she was. But it wasn’t his home anymore. His home was Paris. Well, no. His home was wherever Rajan, Kala and Anika were.

He had a job to do here and that was what he needed to focus on. He glanced across at Niki. She looked nervous. Kiri was holding her hand but the fingers of her other hand were tapping against her knee and her foot bounced up and down on the floor. He wondered if part of that expression of nerves was influenced by Mari. He hadn’t connected with her yet but he’d seen her through some of the others and he knew those repetitive movements were how she coped with her emotions.

He expected that Niki’s cluster was with her, supporting her. His would be with him if he needed them but he was all right at the moment. He could feel what they were all doing though.

Lito was in between movies and he was filling his time researching wedding venues and making mood boards of wedding themes. His apartment was covered in huge noticeboards with different pictures on them.

‘Why can’t you just use Pinterest?’ Hernando was asking him.

Lito shook his head rapidly. ‘No, no, no, you don’t understand. That wouldn’t work. It wouldn’t.’ He seemed unable to explain why.

‘You have to see it all laid out before you,’ said Dani, spreading her hands through the air to illustrate the expanse of pictures. ‘That’s the only way. The only way.’

Hernando shook his head in bemusement but didn’t argue anymore.

Capheus was with Zakia. They were lounging together on the sofa. Music was playing but they barely heard it. He smiled as he watched them for a moment. They were completely absorbed in each other and Capheus didn’t even notice Wolfgang was there.

He caressed Zakia’s face, gazing into her eyes for a moment before he kissed her with so much tenderness. Her hand cupped his jaw, then slid around to stroke his smooth head in a loving caress.

Wolfgang left them alone, content that Capheus had the love and happiness he deserved in his life.

Riley had taken Will ice skating as a distraction and it seemed to be working. Their skating was like a dance, as they moved gracefully across the frozen pond, turning and spinning as one and absolutely flawless in their movements.

Wolfgang knew neither of them would have got through all they’d gone through without each other. They drew strength from each other and even though they did not always get things right, they always came back to each other. They always found understanding eventually.

Nomi was on her laptop, working with Mari to find the information they needed. But sitting at the desk either side of her were her kids. Konani was drawing trees on a big sheet of paper. Tree after tree floated across the paper, each one separate from the next like they were refusing to become a forest. Melika was doing sums on a school worksheet but kept glancing across at Konani’s drawing, as if she were a teacher keeping him on track.

Melika also kept leaning against Nomi, resting her head against her arm. Every time she did, Nomi paused in her work and dropped a kiss into her wild brown curls.

As Wolfgang watched, Konani abandoned his drawing and came to sit on Nomi’s knee. Nomi cuddled him, whilst still managing to get on with what she was doing.

‘Mommy, is mama coming home soon?’ Konani asked. 

Nomi glanced up at the clock on the wall. ‘In about half an hour, sweetheart. Then we’ll have some lunch.’

She saw Wolfgang and smiled. ‘Uncle Wolfie is here,’ she said, her eyebrow lifting.

‘Hi, Uncle Wolfie,’ said the kids together.

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Tell them hello and you can all come and visit soon.’

‘It’ll be good to all be together again,’ she said.

Wolfgang nodded, pulling away from her. Sadness made his chest clench. Yes, they all had each other but there was this emptiness now and Will was never going to be the same.

Sun was working, alone in her office. She felt him immediately and looked up at him. She studied him for a moment and he let her, not feeling the need to hide anything from her.

‘If you need me …’ she said.

He nodded. ‘I know.’

Kala was in the living room, feeding Anika. Rajan was cooking a vegetable casserole and the scent of it surrounded her. He was at once overcome by the feeling of being home. He shook his head at himself. He’d only been gone a couple of hours but already he missed it. He missed his family.

She leaned against him and he could feel she already missed him too.

‘I’ll be home soon,’ he murmured and kissed her.

‘I know,’ she said and sighed.

Felix gave his shoulder a friendly slap, jarring him out of his visiting and returning him to his seat on the airplane.

‘Are we going into this thing armed or what?’ he asked, in a low voice.

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No weapons. I don’t need them.’

‘You never know.’

‘He can’t shoot.’

‘He might not be alone.’

Wolfgang looked at him. ‘I’m not doing that, not again. I’ve promised I won’t kill.’ He smiled. ‘Don’t worry. No one can get past me and Sun.’

Felix nodded. ‘I hope you’re right, brother.’

‘I am.’ He put his arm around Felix’s shoulders. ‘I’m not going in there alone. We’re more than a match for him.’


	139. Chapter 139

Anika was restless. She’d been up several times in the night and Kala was exhausted from lack of sleep. Rajan saw her eyes drooping as she tried to rock Anika to sleep.

‘Right,’ he said, taking charge. ‘You both need a sleep. Let me take her out in the pram and you have a nap.’

Kala looked up at him with gratitude. ‘Oh, would you. I know you didn’t get that much sleep last night either.’

‘I got more than you since it wasn’t me she wanted.’

‘I don’t think it was either of us she wanted,’ said Kala.

Rajan reached down and took Anika into his arms. ‘Don’t you worry, my little one,’ he said in Hindi. ‘Vati will be home soon.’

Kala was already lying down on the sofa, ready for her nap.

Rajan kissed her. ‘You sleep, my love. She’ll be fine with me.’

He quickly got a few things together, including a snack for himself and for Anika, then he headed out. He could tell from her breathing that Kala was already asleep.

It was a cold day but they were cosy and warm in their woollen coats. Anika was also wearing a purple cardigan Oma had knitted for her.

She was asleep in minutes in the cool, fresh air and Rajan pushed the pram around aimlessly for a while, just wanting to keep moving. He just wanted her to stay asleep until she was caught up. He really hoped Wolfgang didn’t need to stay away for long. He missed him as much as Anika did. It was just as well that Anika had been up because he wouldn’t have slept that much anyway. He’d missed Wolfgang’s presence in the bed too much. He radiated heat and he was always ready to cuddle.

Well, he was doing something important so Rajan would just have to miss him until he got back.

His wanderings had led him to the park so he went in and sat down on a bench. Predictably, Anika woke up the moment he sat down. But she was happy and chatty so he lifted her out and sat her next to him. She started climbing over him, trying to eat his sandwich.

He laughed. ‘All right, I’ve got a snack for you too.’

He took out the mini cheese roll he’d brought for her and she grabbed it eagerly and started tucking in. He grinned. ‘You take after your Vati when it comes to food.’

‘She’s beautiful,’ said a voice in French.

He looked up and saw a young man looking at him. He was white, with blond hair and greenish blue eyes. A suit jacket and tie were both visible underneath the smart black overcoat he wore and there was a charming smile on his face. ‘How old is she?’ he asked.

Rajan took a moment to translate in his head what he wanted to say into French. ‘Thank you. She’s nearly nine months.’

The man’s gaze shifted away from him and to Anika. She looked up at him, waving her fist and babbling at him in greeting. Something seemed to change in the man’s face, an intensity which hadn’t been there before. Rajan started to feel uncomfortable. He picked her up and popped her back into the pram.

‘I’m sorry, we need to get back. Nice to meet you,’ he said, before turning and rapidly wheeling Anika away. His heart was racing but he didn’t know why, just that all his instincts told him to get his daughter away from that man as quickly as possible.

Wolfgang hadn’t slept well. It had been a long time since he’d slept alone and he’d tossed and turned most of the night, anxious about having a nightmare if he did drop off. A couple of times during the long night, he’d woken up with Kala but the visit had only lasted a moment before he was back in his hotel bed again.

Visits to any of the others didn’t seem to stick either. Maybe it was because his mind kept taking him to different places. They had got into Berlin mid-evening the night before and there had just been time to visit Alois’s flat before getting something to eat and heading to bed. Anwar had guided Niki there but it was empty. Wolfgang and Felix had even broken in, just to make sure. It hadn’t been difficult as someone had let them in the main door and Alois’s front door was an ordinary yale lock.

Wolfgang had wanted to go straight to the other place after they’d eaten, as Nomi had discovered the address, but by then it was late and Niki thought it was better to approach the place in daylight.

But as soon as they’d had breakfast, he was more than ready to go. Felix had hired a car and they drove out to the Wannsee address Nomi had found. Wolfgang looked out of the window and watched Berlin pass him by. It was strange. This city had been his home for his whole life but the version of himself who had lived here felt like a different person now. It was difficult to believe that he had thought himself happy here. Of course there had been good times, and Felix had kept him going but real, true happiness? That had eluded him. And he hadn’t even known it back then. He hadn’t realised how lonely, how sad, how broken he really had been.

He felt Kala holding his hand and he squeezed gratefully. She understood. She had been with him through his recovery and she was such a major part of his happiness now. Without her, he wouldn’t have it. Without her, he’d still be that same person he had been. That person had only cared about drinking, fucking and fighting. That person had lived for nights out with his best friend and finding somebody pretty to spend the night with, just to stave off the loneliness. That person was a stranger to him now.

The familiar Berlin cityscape changed gradually to the less familiar and more idyllic landscape of Wannsee. It was difficult to believe such countryside existed just outside of the city but here it was. Here was where the rich people all came to spend their summers, to sunbathe on the white sand beach, or to go swimming or yachting on the lake.

Of course, there was no one doing that now because it was winter but there were a few locals dotted about as they drove past, walking on the promenade or the beach with their dogs.

The house was near enough to the beach to be convenient but also out of the way of the tourists or anyone just strolling by. It was the perfect place to stay unnoticed.

Wolfgang felt himself getting tense and he suddenly regretted his decision not to bring a weapon. What had he been thinking of?

But then Sun was beside him. She gripped his thigh, firmly bringing his attention to her. ‘The only weapon we need is this,’ she said and clenched her fist.

He nodded. In the seat behind him, Niki leaned forward and gripped his shoulder. ‘We’ve got this,’ she said.

‘I’m remembering all the pub brawls I’ve been in,’ said Kiri, cheerfully. 

Wolfgang took a deep breath as Felix pulled up beside the house and turned the engine off.

‘Here we are,’ Felix said, sounding calm and relaxed as always.

Wolfgang’s gaze swept over the house. There were no signs he could see of anyone being there but it was a big house. They could easily be in the back. And if it was just Alois, he wouldn’t necessarily be easy to spot.

‘There’s nothing for it,’ he said and got out of the car.

As they walked purposefully down the drive, Wolfgang felt his cluster with him. He glanced at Niki and saw Anwar and Rafael with her. He guessed Mari, Tora and Teddy would be there as well. They were all in this together.

Just as they reached the front door, it opened. A young woman stepped out of it and her gaze swept over them. She had short hair and a hard expression. She had a broad build and her arms bulged with muscle, making her even bigger and stronger looking than Niki. Her eyes met Wolfgang, to his surprise, a ripple of fear went through him. There was something in her eyes, something that reminded him of something, some fear deep inside him.

‘What do you want?’ she asked. She spoke in German but there was something of another accent there. American maybe?

Niki stepped forward. ‘We’ve come to see Alois. He’s here, isn’t he?’

Wolfgang, or possibly Sun, detected her movement a fraction of a second before she made it and his hand shot up to block her punch. Niki ducked, then countered with a punch of her own to the woman’s jaw. He grabbed her shirt and headbutted her hard. Niki landed a hard punch to her ribs. Sun hooked her leg behind her knee and the woman toppled, her own size working against her. She seemed to land in slow motion, her body shuddered as it hit the ground. They all looked at her. She was unconscious.

‘Quick,’ said Kiri. ‘Before she wakes up again.’

As one they moved past her and went into the house. It was large and grand inside, just the sort of house Wolfgang had expected. Clearly, Alois came from money and he was used to getting what he wanted. Well, no more.

There was a young man sitting on the sofa. His eyes were wide and he shrank back from them as they entered.

‘I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I just did what I was told!’ he whimpered at them. He also spoke in German but it sounded like it was his first language. 

‘That was no excuse at Nuremberg, it’s not one now,’ said Wolfgang.

‘Where’s Alois?’ demanded Niki.

The man shook his head. ‘He’s not here. I promise.’

‘Who are you then?’ asked Felix. ‘And why did that goon out there attack us?’

‘I’m Lukas. That’s Frankie. She’s one of my cluster. Please, don’t hurt me. He was here but he went somewhere.’

‘Why did he leave you here?’ asked Niki.

Lukas’s eyes flickered up above him. ‘We’re … we’re supposed to guard something.’

Wolfgang looked up. There was a grand staircase and a landing above. He could see closed doors up there. Something made him shudder.

He took two strides towards Lukas and grabbed him by his shirt. He shook him hard. ‘Tell me what’s up there.’

Lukas shook his head, quivering. Wolfgang yanked him up, right up close to his face. ‘Tell me right now or I’ll fucking kill you,’ he growled.

Two expressions seemed to war with each other for control of Lukas’s face. Part of him was so scared he looked like he was about to wet himself. But the other looked … almost smug? Delighted about something.

The fear won out. ‘Last door on the left.’ He scrabbled in his pocket and chucked a key wildly in Niki’s direction. She caught it easily.

She started for the stairs straight away. Wolfgang threw Lukas away from him and started up after her. Kiri and Felix stayed where they were, just watching.

Niki was running up the stairs and Wolfgang could feel her heart pounding. He raced after her, catching up with her at the door. They stood side by side as she put the key in the lock. He clasped her hand as they opened the door and stared, open-mouthed, at what they saw inside.


	140. Chapter 140

Alois was just coming out of Berlin-Tegal Airport when his phone rang. Shifting his satchel to his other hand, he slid his phone out of his pocket and answered it.

‘Que veux-tu, Maman?’

‘I will not be troubled in my own home, Alois,’ she said, in curt French. She pronounced his name the French way, as always. The way he hated.

‘What do you mean, mother?’ he asked, clenching his fist to keep his temper. Why was it his mother could wind him up like no one else?

‘So-called friends of yours have been here asking for you. If they are your friends, they should know that you don’t come here anymore.’

‘What friends? I’m not expecting anyone.’

‘They didn’t give their names of course. Very rude. Two women and two men. The women were very dark but they did speak excellent French at least. Or one of them did. The others didn’t speak. That’s rude if you ask me. Will you tell them not to come back here?’

‘Yes, of course. Did you tell them where I was?’

‘Oh, I just said you were at the Wannsee house. If they are your friends, they will surely know where that is.’

‘Yes. Maman, will you tell me if you see them again?’

‘If they come back here, I shall call the police. You tell them to stay away,’ she said and hung up.

Alois felt his jaw clench. This was something to do with his cluster. He knew it. It would be no problem for them to find out which house in Wannsee belonged to his family. He would have to stop them, before it was too late. His experiment relied on them not finding out.

Wolfgang stared at the bed in the large room and he was instantly back under Whispers’ control. The machines and the stillness of the person in the bed were all too familiar. Panic clutched at him and he forced it down, pushed it away. This was not the time.

Beside him, Niki let out a cry, then shot forwards, going to the side of the bed and reaching out for the person who lay so still under the covers.

‘Elin,’ she whispered.

Wolfgang roused himself and took two strides across the room to Elin’s bedside. How could it be her? But it looked like her. It was her pretty, elfin face, her almost white blonde hair, her slim delicate body.

Was she alive? She was so still. How could she be alive? She’d killed herself. They all knew that.

But one of the machines was beeping out the regular rhythm of her heartbeat and he could see her chest rising and falling. Her face was so pale it was almost like paper but her chest rose and fell with deep, steady breaths.

Niki reached for her, laying her hand on her head and tenderly stroking her hair. ‘Elin, can you hear me?’

Anwar was there, peering over her. ‘I can’t see anything wrong with her.’ His eyes took in the IV in her arm. ‘That may be a sedative.’

Wolfgang swallowed. He remembered being in a similar position twice before, having sedatives forced into his veins. Once by Whispers and then that second time by Dacian. But that had been Whispers too in the end. Was this something to do with him again? But how could it be? He was definitely dead, as was everyone they knew who had had contact with him, except for Will and for Wolfgang himself.

‘It … it can’t be,’ said Will, his voice thick with barely suppressed sobs. Wolfgang glanced at him and saw tears on his face.

They had to do something. They had to get her out of here. ‘Anwar, can she be moved?’

Anwar looked over her again. ‘I can’t see any reason why not. Can you carry her out of here?’

‘I can,’ said Niki. Immediately, she started detaching Elin from the machinery surrounding her. An alarm went off but they ignored it. There were sounds of a scuffle from downstairs but they ignored that too. Everything was focused on Elin.

She turned her head towards Niki, letting out a soft sigh, though she was still asleep, or unconscious rather. With Anwar’s help, she detached the IV.

Wolfgang looked for Kala. ‘Is there nothing in here to wake her up?’

Kala looked around the bedroom. ‘Nothing that I can see. But she’ll wake up herself with a little bit of time.’

Riley was there, biting her lip and Wolfgang knew she was remembering her own escape from similar circumstances. How could they be here again? How could these things be happening to them again?

Niki slid her arms beneath Elin and lifted her up. Wolfgang went to help but Niki shook her head.

‘I’ve got her,’ she breathed, a slight hitch to her voice.

As she went towards the door, Wolfgang saw Rafael and Anwar with her and he knew that Teddy, Mari and Tora would be with her too. She wasn’t alone.

And neither was he. He glanced around at his own cluster. Expressions of horror, grief and pain met his gaze but there was relief too and they allowed themselves a smile. Elin wasn’t dead.

‘Wolfie, what’s going on up there?’ Felix asked, slightly out of breath.

Wolfgang hurried after Niki. Back on the landing again, he looked down and saw that Felix was pinning Lukas down, whereas Frankie and Kiri were in a stalemate, each pinning the other in place in a corner of the room.

‘They had Elin locked up in that room,’ Wolfgang called down. ‘The fucking animals.’

‘We were just doing what we were told,’ whimpered Lukas.

Felix banged his head against the floor viciously. ‘Say that again and I’ll fucking knock you out.’

Niki carried Elin downstairs, followed by Wolfgang. They lay her gently on the sofa and Niki caressed her cheek.

‘We’re getting you out of here,’ she murmured, though Elin was still unconscious.

‘You’re not taking her anywhere,’ spat Frankie.

Kiri kicked her hard in the shin. ‘Shut the fuck up,’ she said.

‘Here’s what’s going to happen,’ said Wolfgang, borrowing a little calmness from Sun. ‘You’re going to let my friends go and the five of us are going to leave here right now.’

Frankie chuckled. ‘I don’t think we’re going to do that.’

‘Then we’ll find out how strong we are,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Because one way or another, we are taking Elin out of here.’

‘Listen to him,’ said Alois. ‘You’d almost think the vicious murderer cared about her.’ 


	141. Chapter 141

Will was in shock. Through Niki, he could feel the warmth of Elin’s body as she lay her down on the sofa, and he knew she really was there, really was alive. But it didn’t seem real. How could she still be alive? All the grief and the pain and now it was over? Except it wasn’t over.

‘Here’s what’s going to happen,’ said Wolfgang and Sun together. ‘You are going to let my friends go and the five of us are going to leave here right now.’

Frankie chuckled. ‘I don’t think we’re going to do that.’

‘Then we’ll find out how strong we are,’ said Wolfgang, with a characteristic hard edge to his voice. His eyes were hard and Will could feel the anger pulsing under his calm exterior. ‘Because one way or another, we are taking Elin out of here.’

The front door opened and Alois stepped into the house. Will couldn’t feel him, like he hadn’t been able to all this time, but his expression was cool, calm and a little smug. Will felt anger rise in him, despite the love he couldn’t help but feel for his child. 

‘Listen to him,’ Alois said, amusement in his cool voice. ‘You’d almost think the vicious murderer cares about someone.’

Will felt a flare of anger in Wolfgang and in two seconds, he crossed the room and punched Alois hard in the face. Blood spurted from his nose, following a satisfying crunch. Alois stumbled and fell abruptly to the ground. Anger crossed his face as he glared up at Wolfgang.

‘You see?’ he said, aiming the words at Anwar, Mari and Tora who stood watching helplessly. Will could feel their confusion. ‘What you found out about him was true. He’s a callous murderer. Probably a sociopath working for the mafia.’

‘Shut up,’ Wolfgang spat. ‘You fucking bastard, you deserved that. Do you give a shit what you’ve put your cluster through? Or mine? You made us think Elin was dead? Why did you do that?’

Alois wiped the blood from his nose as the ghost of a grin passed over his face. ‘I was doing what I could to protect her.’

‘Protect her from what?’ Rafael asked. Will glanced at him. He was standing with Teddy, holding his hand. Teddy’s attention was torn between Elin unconscious on the sofa, and Alois, still sitting on the floor. Will felt his anxiety as the young nurse tried to work out what to believe.

Alois sighed and cautiously moved to sit on a large footstool instead of the floor. ‘From herself,’ he said, sadly.

Will frowned, glancing back at Elin. From herself? What did that mean?

‘She’s been struggling since our cluster birth,’ Alois said, sounding so weary all of a sudden. ‘I don’t know whether it was because she was in the Arctic when it happened. Mental health can be very difficult to handle in such lonely circumstances. I’ve dealt with similar things before in my patients.’

Will left Elin’s side and went to stand with Wolfgang, who had folded his arms across his chest and was glaring down at Alois, clearly not believing a word he said.

Alois’s attention switched to Will, looking earnestly into his face. But Will still couldn’t feel him and could only guess by what he saw what he was actually feeling. 

‘She was starting to sound paranoid. I tried to tell her that she could trust you, Will, but she wouldn’t believe me.’

He looked around at his cluster again. Apart from Niki and Elin, they were all standing near him, listening to what he had to say in silence. ‘She began to be afraid of all of you. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to explain that she could trust you but when I said things like that, she started to think she couldn’t trust me either.’ He took a deep breath and his voice shook a little. ‘I didn’t want her to be alone.’

He looked back at Will. ‘You understand, don’t you? You’ve dealt with suicidal people. I just wanted to keep her safe.’

Will looked at Riley, who squeezed his hand. He did understand. He’d been through it, not just with his police work, but with Riley too. Sometimes she still struggled with her mental health. And then there was Wolfgang. Will knew about the desperation to keep one of his cluster from hurting themselves.

He nodded. ‘I understand.’

‘Bullshit,’ said Wolfgang, his voice still hard. ‘Every word is bullshit. If you’re scared someone is going to kill themselves, you don’t take them away from everyone who cares about them, lock them in room and hook them up to a load of machines.’

‘Wolfgang, that’s not fair,’ said Will. ‘At least listen to what he’s got to say.’

Wolfgang rounded on him. ‘You aren’t buying this? For fuck’s sake, Will, he’s a fucking psycho.’

Alois stood up. ‘I can assure you I am not, and we do not use those sorts of words anymore.’

Wolfgang glared at him. ‘I don’t care what you call it, you’re dangerous and I won’t leave Elin with you. Where’s her passport?’

Alois shook his head sadly. ‘If you think you can keep her safe then by all means, take her but I warn you, it won’t be easy.’

‘She’s one of us,’ said Niki, looking across at Alois from beside Elin. ‘We’ll look after her.’

Rafael took a step forward and fixed Alois with a hard look. ‘You are not one of us, not anymore.’

‘Isn’t that a bit harsh?’ asked Anwar. ‘We are still one cluster, aren’t we?’

‘Yeah,’ said Rafael. ‘A cluster of seven. You stay away from us, Alois. We don’t want to know you anymore.’

Teddy rubbed his hands over his face and Will could feel his distress. ‘I hate this,’ he murmured.

Mari was stimming but more frantically than usual. Instead of just tapping her fingers, both hands were moving rapidly against her sides and she was humming as she tried to process her distress. Tora was tight-lipped, giving nothing away but not taking her eyes off Alois. Anwar looked pained but he didn’t argue either.

Will didn’t understand it. Didn’t they care about Alois?

‘But Elin’s all right now. Can’t we just move on from this?’ he asked desperately.

Wolfgang looked coldly at him. ‘You have to choose, Will.’

Will didn’t know what to say. 

Alois sighed softly. ‘I won’t stop you taking Elin. I just want her to be safe.’ He turned to Lukas, still pinned to the ground by Felix. ‘When this fine gentleman lets you up, would you fetch Elin’s belongings, Lukas?’

Felix glanced at Wolfgang, who nodded. He let Lukas up. The young man scurried off upstairs and returned a few minutes later with a suitcase. Alois just watched, with a mild, unreadable expression on his face as they carried a still-unconscious Elin out to the car.


	142. Chapter 142

‘Where are we heading?’ asked Felix, as he drove back to the more built up area of Berlin. He glanced in the rear-view mirror at Wolfgang. He and Niki were in the back, either side of Elin. He could see why she reminded Wolfie of his mother. She had the same pale frailness about her.

They glanced back at him, distractedly. ‘What?’ asked Wolfie, that little line appearing between his eyebrows.

‘Well, we can’t turn up to a hotel with an unconscious woman. That’s how accusations happen.’

‘Oh, erm…’ Wolfie was really not with it, completely focused on Elin.

Kiri, in the front passenger seat, put her hand on his arm. ‘Why don’t you take us to where you stay when you come here?’

‘I have a flat above my club.’

‘That sounds perfect,’ said Kiri, calmly.

Felix nodded, glancing in the mirror again. Wolfgang looked pale and a bit out of it, with that frown still on his face and his attention completely on Elin. Felix was angry, despite being able to take a little of it out on those goons of Alois’s. That fucking psycho had hurt his brother, his best friend. He’d put Wolfie through all this shit, sending him right back to the shittiest of times of his childhood. He didn’t deserve that. He deserved to put it all behind him. But that fucking cunt had brought it all back up again, for what? No fucking reason at all that Felix could see, except for being a psycho bastard.

He knew he would need to continue to look after his brother as he dealt with this. But that was his job. Always had been, always fucking would be. He would never, ever let his brother down.

Niki felt sick. Even by the time they were getting to Felix’s flat, Elin was still unconscious. How much sedative had that bastard kept her on? Enough, she guessed, that they wouldn’t be able to get through to her. Enough to make them all think she was dead.

She kept caressing Elin’s white cheek, even paler than usual. Her blonde hair was frizzy with static against the seat of the car. She was dressed in plain white pyjamas, like hospital pyjamas. Niki hated the thought that Alois might have undressed her. She seemed so vulnerable with just those thin cotton pyjamas between her and the world.

Niki thought about her jumper that she’d left behind in the facility in Iceland. That seemed so long ago now but it wasn’t really. The days all blended together, one big mess of grief and pain. She’d left the jumper in Wolfgang’s flat in Paris. She’d never imagined she’d need Elin’s things here.

‘You can finish your book,’ she said, ridiculously.

Wolfgang looked at her. ‘She can do whatever she wants now,’ he said, softly.

Niki wiped away the tears that suddenly sprung to her eyes and sniffed. ‘She needs a coat or something. It’s freezing out there.’

Immediately, Wolfgang took off his jacket and draped it around Elin’s shoulders. Niki glanced at him and he shrugged. ‘Cold doesn’t bother me.’

Felix pulled up and parked. ‘We’re here.’ He got out and opened the door for Niki. Niki lifted Elin out of the car and settled her against her, one arm beneath her knees and the other around her waist. Elin’s head rested on her shoulder. Wolfgang got out of the car and stayed close to them in case she needed help. Kiri came to her side as well, silently offering her support.

‘It’s not far,’ said Felix. He grabbed Elin’s suitcase out of the car and led them towards the back entrance of the club. ‘And there’s a lift,’ he said, with an encouraging smile.

Wolfgang had never been in Felix’s new apartment. He’d been in the club itself of course but that was before. He was surprised by how swish it was and it made him think about how they used to live, about how little they used to care.

They’d got Elin into Felix’s spare bed. She hadn’t stirred at all as they’d carried her up in the private lift directly into the apartment. Kiri had brushed her hair and Niki had washed her face and they’d tucked her into the bed. Now she looked like she was just sleeping, peacefully.

Niki sat on the bed holding her hand. Kiri sat on the bedside chair, holding her other hand and watching her girlfriend with obvious concern on her face. Wolfgang stood a little way back, leaning against the wall and watching over the three of them. Kala and Anwar both said Elin should wake soon and that all they could do was wait.

Felix was beside him. He patted his shoulder. ‘Alles Klar, Wolfie?’

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘Yeah, I’m okay.’

‘You look like you’re thinking some deep things here, brother.’

‘Yeah, guess so.’

‘Yeah, big questions. So, Thai or pizza?’

Wolfgang felt a smile cross his face and he looked at his brother. ‘Pizza,’ he said. ‘Everybody likes pizza.’

Felix patted his shoulder again. ‘I’ll go and put the call in.’ He paused, then squeezed his shoulder. ‘It’ll be all right, you know. She’ll wake up and everything will be fine.’

Wolfgang nodded but he couldn’t take the words in, couldn’t believe them yet. He couldn’t believe that everything would be all right until he saw Elin open her eyes.

Will was sitting beside her on the bed. He looked pale and shaky and he was holding her hand. Wolfgang felt a jerk of anger inside. Will had sounded like he was starting to believe Alois, starting to buy that fucking bullshit. Yeah, they say love is blind but this was taking things too far.

‘Thought you’d be with _him_ ,’ he said, spitefully.

Kiri looked up, startled and Niki looked between the two men, watching the argument.

Will glanced at him and the hurt in his face was obvious. ‘I just don’t want anyone to get hurt.’

‘Well look, Will. Someone got hurt. Look at her. Alois did that. Alois made us all think she was dead. He did that, nobody else. So don’t you dare fucking defend him.’

‘Wolfgang…’ Will started.

‘I don’t want to hear it,’ Wolfgang interrupted. ‘I’m fucking sick of telling you and telling you when not to trust someone and you just ignoring it. I’m telling you now and you will fucking listen. Alois is an enemy and if he comes near me or anyone I love ever again, I will kill him.’

Before Will could say anything else, Wolfgang turned and walked out of the room.


	143. Chapter 143

Wolfgang went into Felix’s bedroom so he could be on his own. He wanted to talk to Kala and Rajan. Kala sat beside him and held his hand as he took out his phone and called Rajan. His husband answered immediately and Wolfgang knew Kala had told him he was going to call.

‘Hello, my love.’

Wolfgang closed his eyes and let Rajan’s warm voice sweep over him. He heard Anika crying down the phone. He opened his eyes and suddenly, he was with them. Kala was taking her off Rajan so he didn’t have to juggle her and the phone. Rajan was frowning, the concern and worry clear on his face.

Wolfgang looked at Anika, who immediately stopped crying and stared at him, a confused frown appearing on her brow. He smiled and she smiled back at her.

‘I think she can see me,’ he said.

Kala smiled, sitting down with her on the sofa. ‘I think she can.’ 

‘Ah, so it’s just me who can’t,’ said Rajan, in a slightly teasing tone. ‘So you’re going to have to tell me that you’re all right.’

‘I’m okay.’ He looked at Kala. ‘I guess Kala’s told you what’s been happening.’

‘Yes. Are you going to make it up with Will?’

Wolfgang felt his mouth go into a thin line. He glanced at Kala, who sighed. ‘You’re both so stubborn,’ she said, a little sternly but unable to keep the affection from her voice. ‘They’ll make it up,’ she said to Rajan. ‘They always do.’

‘You can understand why this is difficult for him, can’t you, love?’ Rajan asked.

Wolfgang sighed. ‘Yes. But if he’d trusted me earlier …’

‘I don’t think it’s helpful to talk about what could have been different. What’s happened has happened now and nothing can change that,’ Rajan said, softly.

‘Then what can I do?’

‘Try to understand him and talk to him.’ Rajan’s voice became a little sterner. ‘Calmly.’

‘I’m not apologising. He needs to understand he has to choose. He can’t take Alois’s side in this.’

‘No, he can’t but you need to understand how difficult that is for him. It’s like turning his back on his own child.’

Wolfgang looked at Anika, who was contentedly playing with her toes on Kala’s lap. ‘Yeah, it’s gotta be hard, I guess.’

He reached out for Rajan but, of course, he couldn’t feel him because Kala wasn’t touching him. ‘Raj …’

‘What is it?’

Wolfgang hesitated. He didn’t know how to ask, not with all this physical distance between them. But Kala felt his need.

‘Rajan, I think it’s time for a group hug,’ she said, smiling a little.

Rajan smiled as he realised. ‘Oh, of course.’ He went to Kala, sat beside her and wrapped his strong, gentle arms around her and Anika. Wolfgang was with them and, through Kala he felt Rajan. He sighed contentedly as he felt the warmth and softness of his lovers, his spouses, his loves, surround him. He closed his eyes and just felt them. He was all right, as long as he had them.

Hurt, anger, guilt and confusion warred in Will and he didn’t know which to give in to. He was lost and he didn’t know what to do. Part of him knew Wolfgang was right but he didn’t want to accept it, didn’t want this awful thing to be true.

He had come away from Elin, who was still unconscious. Niki and Kiri were not leaving her side and many of her cluster were with her too. He wanted to be there physically but he couldn’t. Though, maybe that was a good thing right now. An argument like that between him and Wolfgang could have come to blows if he’d really been there.

He didn’t know how to fix it. He wanted to fix it but he just felt lost. Wanting to be alone with his thoughts, he put on his coat and went out onto the balcony. Even though it was dark and he could see very little of the beautiful landscape outside their house, just being in the fresh air made him feel a little better, a little more clear-headed. But he still didn’t know what to do.

‘You need to apologise,’ said Riley. He glanced at her. She was inside, wearing one of her comfy Fairisle sweaters and holding a hot mug of coffee in her hands, black with one sugar, just the same way he took it.

He sighed and looked away. He knew he needed to apologise. He should have trusted Wolfgang earlier, much earlier. Maybe … maybe he could have stopped all this. He swallowed. He could have fixed all this but he’d done nothing and now it was too late. His children would never forgive Alois for this and Will didn’t blame them. It was horrific what he had done. God knows what kind of damage he’d done to Elin. And he didn’t seem to care.

‘I know it’s hard,’ said Riley, beside him. He felt the warmth on her face from the fire in the living room and the softness of her sweater. He felt the heat of the coffee mug and he felt something of the fiery anger he felt in Wolfgang lurking inside her too.

He looked at her. ‘I’m sorry. I …’ He felt his voice break. ‘I’ve got this all wrong.’

She put the mug down and reached for him. Her warmth and softness surrounded him and he breathed in her scent.

‘It’s all right, elskan,’ she murmured. ‘You just wanted to believe in him. It’s not your fault he’s not worth your belief.’

He didn’t say anything and she just held him. He closed his eyes and just felt her. He was all right, as long as he had her.

Wolfgang returned to the living room. Only Felix was there, fiddling with his phone. ‘You ordered the pizza?’ Wolfgang asked.

Felix looked round at him. ‘Yeah. It’ll be here in twenty.’

‘I’ll set the table,’ said Wolfgang, going to Felix’s black and chrome kitchen.

Felix snorted. ‘Fucking hell, Wolfie. You really are domesticated now, aren’t you?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘I guess so.’

Felix clearly thought he was overdoing it so he didn’t bother to help him as Wolfgang found cutlery and napkins in a drawer. He was surprised about the napkins until he realised this flat had probably come fully furnished and well-stocked. That was the kind of thing Fuchs would have taken care of for Felix.

He was just getting some glasses out of the cupboard when he felt Will. A moment later, he saw him. His gaze was on the floor and he shifted uncomfortably.

Wolfgang put the glasses down and waited for him to say what he clearly wanted to say. Will looked up at him and met his gaze.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. I’m sorry I … I’m sorry I fucked all this up.’ His voice shook. ‘This is all my fault.’

Wolfgang couldn’t stand it anymore. He put his arms around Will and brought him close in a firm embrace. Will clung to him like he was a lifebelt in the middle of a wild sea.

‘Forget all that shit,’ Wolfgang said. He dropped a kiss onto the bare skin above Will’s t-shirt collar. ‘None of it matters anymore. We’ve got her back. That’s all that matters.’

‘I should have stopped it somehow,’ Will whispered, his voice still shaky as he tried to hold back his tears.

Wolfgang rubbed his back. ‘Nah, it’s not your fault one of your babies is a psycho.’

Despite the awfulness of the situation, Will laughed. He pulled back from the hug and looked at Wolfgang.

‘Next time I won’t listen to you, just punch me.’

‘Don’t tempt me,’ said Wolfgang. He squeezed Will’s shoulder. ‘We’re on the same side, yeah?’

Will nodded. ‘Yeah.’ He took Wolfgang’s other hand and held it tightly. ‘Always the same side.’


	144. Chapter 144

Niki focused on the warm, softness of Elin’s hand in hers. She hadn’t left her side all day. As time passed, she thought she was starting to feel something of her again, just a vague feeling of her presence. She hoped that meant the blockers at least were wearing off.

Kiri had gone into the other room to see about food or something. Niki had to admit, she hadn’t been paying much attention. All her focus was on Elin. She knew that Kiri understood and she would make it up to her when everything was okay again.

Her thoughts turned back to Alois and she felt a stab of anger in her belly. How could he do this to them? How could he hurt them like this? She couldn’t imagine ever wanting to do anything to hurt any one of her cluster. Even Alois, even after all this, she had no desire to hurt him. She only wanted to protect the rest of her cluster. For them, she would do anything. She would even kill.

Elin stirred suddenly, turning over and whimpering. Niki jerked forwards off the chair and knelt by the side of the bed, holding Elin’s hand tightly.

‘El? Elin, can you hear me. It’s Niki. You’re safe.’

Elin lay still and didn’t respond. Niki sighed and sat back on the chair.

The bedroom door opened and Kiri came back in. ‘The guys have ordered pizza.’

‘I’m not hungry.’

Kiri came to her side and rested her hand on Niki’s shoulder. ‘You need to eat.’

‘I don’t want to leave her alone.’

Kiri took her hand, brought it to her mouth and kissed it. Their gazes met and Kiri looked both loving and stern. ‘You need to eat. How can you look after her if you don’t look after yourself?’

‘She’s right,’ said Wolfgang, visiting from the other room. ‘You need to look after yourself. I’ll come in and sit with Elin. She won’t be alone.’

Niki nodded. ‘All right. Wolfgang says he’ll come through.’ She smiled. ‘So I guess I can come and eat some pizza with you.’ 

Wolfgang sat at Elin’s bedside, watching the slow, steady rhythm of her breathing while the others ate. He would have been quite happy on his own but his cluster stayed with him most of the time and he was grateful. They stopped him brooding too much.

He didn’t know what to do about Alois. As long as he stayed away from them, Wolfgang knew he couldn’t put an end to him. He’d promised Rajan. But he felt they should warn people about him. He supposed they could put the word out among the other sensates they knew. People should know what kind of person he was.

Kala slipped her hand through his. ‘You’re brooding,’ she said, gently.

Wolfgang sighed and sat up a little straighter. ‘That’s what I do,’ he said.

She smiled. ‘Are you feeling better now you’ve made up with Will?’

‘Yeah. I get it’s hard for him.’

As if they’d called him, Will was there, watching Elin with an anxious frown on his face. ‘She has to wake up soon,’ he said.

‘She will,’ said Kala.

‘You don’t look like you’ve slept,’ said Wolfgang.

Will shook his head. ‘I haven’t. I can’t leave her.’

‘She’s not alone, Will. She’s got all of us with her.’

‘You need rest,’ added Kala. ‘So you can be there for her when she wakes.’

Will took a big breath, glanced at them and nodded. Then he was gone. Kala opened her mouth to say something but then Anika woke up from her nap and started demanding attention. 

Kala sighed, smiling. ‘I’d better see to her. Rajan’s busy cooking.’

‘Oh, god I miss his cooking.’

She laughed. ‘You’ve only been away two days.’

‘Yeah but that’s like eight meals.’

She gave him an affectionate grin, then disappeared to go and see to Anika. Wolfgang glanced back at Elin and sat up straight. Her eyes were open. Her pale blue eyes met his for a moment, then she opened her mouth and screamed.

 _Fuck_ , Wolfgang thought.

‘It’s okay,’ he said, making sure to speak in Icelandic and to keep his voice calm. ‘You’re safe. I’m Wolfgang. I’m in Will’s cluster.’

She was scrabbling up the bed, trying to keep away from him. ‘You’re him. You’re dangerous. Alois said y-you’re dangerous.’

Behind him, he heard the others come into the room but he kept his focus on Elin. ‘I’m not dangerous, Elin. I just want you to be safe.’

Elin’s eyes darted about and she was panting hard in fear. Niki went straight to her side.

‘El, it’s Niki,’ she murmured, in her strong, in-control voice.

Elin’s gaze shifted to her and she reached for her, grasping her arm hard. ‘Get him away from me,’ she cried, burying her face in Niki’s shoulder. ‘He’s a monster.’

‘It’s all right,’ Niki was saying. ‘He’s helping us. You can trust him.’

But Wolfgang didn’t want to make this any harder. He backed away, feeling behind him for the doorway. ‘It’s all right. I’ll go.’

He felt Felix looking at him but nobody said anything. He slipped out and shut the door behind him.

Outside the room, Wolfgang was at a loss. His heart was pounding and intrusive thoughts kept trying to push their way through to his consciousness. He shook his head, as if that would help to clear it. He felt sick and dizzy. He needed to get outside but there wasn’t a balcony. He grabbed his jacket and headed for the lift.

‘Wait up, Wolfie,’ said Felix, behind him.

Wolfgang didn’t say anything but paused, waiting for his friend to catch up. Felix grabbed his own jacket and his keys then, with a firm hand on Wolfgang’s back, guided him into the lift.

They didn’t say anything until Felix had led him through the club, across the dancefloor and out into the smoking area at the back. It was strange with no one around but it was still a few hours until even the staff would be coming in.

Felix lit them each a cigarette and passed Wolfgang his without a word. Wolfgang took a deep steadying inhale of the tabaco smoke, pushing away the guilt he felt for giving into his urge to smoke. Sometimes, he just needed it. He knew Rajan and Kala understood that.

Felix squeezed his shoulder. ‘Better?’

Wolfgang nodded. He could feel his cluster trying to check on him but he pushed them away for the moment. One lot of thoughts was enough for him to cope with right now. Besides, the other cluster might need them.

Felix didn’t question him. Wolfgang had always appreciated that about his best friend. He never tried to make him talk. He just waited for him to be ready to.

He scuffed his shoes against the rough paving beneath their feet. ‘I think Alois has told her a few things about me.’

‘Wolfie, she’s disorientated, and she doesn’t know what’s going on. Fuck knows how long she’s been out of it and that psycho could have told her anything.’

‘Yeah, I know.’

‘None of the rest of them are afraid of you, are they? Now they know you?’

He shook his head. ‘Guess not.’ He leaned against the wall and looked up at the dark sky. He couldn’t see any stars but it was a cloudy night and they were in the middle of the city. He closed his eyes and, carefully, felt for Kala.

She didn’t question him or try to make him talk. She just reached out and tugged him to her. ‘I have you,’ she murmured.

He kept his eyes closed and centred himself in her presence and the feeling of his home. Rajan was cooking some tomato-based sauce. He could smell the garlic and the richness of the tomato mixing. He could hear Rajan singing along to one of his cooking playlists of silly, upbeat pop songs. Anika was gurgling happily as she played on her jumperoo, occasionally shrieking with joy. He could feel Kala’s arms around him, warm and soft but also strong. He could smell her scent. She’d had a bath that afternoon and he could smell lavender from her skin and raspberry from her hair.

He let the feeling of them calm him, helping him regain his equilibrium. He pushed away the memory of Elin’s words and tried to tell himself she didn’t know what she was saying. But the words pulsed in his head. _Dangerous. Monster._


	145. Chapter 145

Elin’s vision swam and she grasped onto the warm hand which held hers. Somehow, she knew the presence beside her was safe. Her mind felt foggy, her thoughts swirling around in her head. Niki. That was her name. She was safe. Niki could be trusted.

But _he_ hadn’t said that, had he? _He_ had said none of them could be trusted. But Niki could. Niki loved her. She knew that. She could feel it.

The room felt too bright and it hurt to open her eyes again but she needed to see. She found Niki’s gaze, those greenish-brown eyes were full of warmth and love but also worry. Someone else was in the room. Another woman. She stood back a little but Elin could feel her somehow, like she already knew her intimately. She knew her name, had the memory of kissing her somewhere in her mind.

Elin looked between Niki and Kiri and took a breath. ‘Where am I?’ she asked.

Niki looked relieved. ‘You’re safe.’ Her voice was familiar, though the accent was not one she remembered hearing often. It was a voice that made her feel safe, though something about it was too loud for the space, even though she was almost whispering.

‘You’re in the flat of a friend of ours. His name’s Felix. He was here before. Do you remember?’

Elin felt a jerk of alarm go through her. ‘That other man. Wolfgang. He’s dangerous. We … we found out bad things about him, didn’t we? Alois said we couldn’t trust him.’

‘Alois was wrong,’ said Niki, gently. ‘We can trust him. He helped us get you out of danger.’

Elin frowned, tugging her hand away. ‘I wasn’t in danger.’ She sat up straighter, suddenly feeling vulnerable lying down. ‘Alois … he was keeping me safe.’

‘He was lying to you,’ said Kiri. Her voice had the same accent but it was softer, quieter. It was also a voice some part of her knew.

‘Why would he do that?’ Elin asked.

‘We don’t know,’ said a man’s voice. The man, an American by his accent, was sitting on the edge of the bed suddenly. His dark blue eyes were wide with worry and wet with tears.

Elin jerked back from him. ‘I don’t know you,’ she said. But she did. His face was as familiar as her father’s face. She rubbed her hands over her face. If only she didn’t feel so groggy.

She turned into Niki, allowing herself to sink into that warmth and safety. ‘I don’t feel right,’ she murmured.

Niki rubbed her back. ‘It’s all right. You’ve been on sedatives. That’s why you feel so strange. Just rest. You’ll soon feel better.’

Elin lay still in Niki’s arms and didn’t speak. But, as she lay there, she began to remember. She’d been in a room before, grander than this but she hadn’t been safe there. She remembered Alois waking her, dragging her groggily across the room to use the toilet. She remembered him washing her. She remembered him feeding her as she begged to be allowed to lie down again. She had been so tired.

She still felt tired but she felt safe here. She was with Niki. She peered around the room again and there were others there. A curvy woman with pale skin and long dark hair was moving her hands rapidly against her sides as she watched her. _Mari_. A small, slight woman with short dark hair and a pencil tucked behind her ear was standing beside her, biting her lip. _Tora_.

A tall, quiet man with a neatly trimmed beard and kind brown eyes was looking over her with a focused expression. _Anwar_. A shy looking man with long black dreadlocks muttered something about getting her moving soon. _Teddy_. Beside him, a striking man, with designer stubble and perfectly styled dark brown hair, held Teddy’s hand to his heart as though he could protect him from the worry. _Rafael._

And the man who sat on the edge of her bed, the man with tears in his eyes. She knew him too. She could _feel_ him too. _Will_.

She rested her head against Niki’s chest again and closed her eyes. She was safe. As long as that monster, the one with the piercing blue eyes and blond hair, stayed away from her. _Wolfgang._

Wolfgang followed Felix back into the flat. He felt better but he still didn’t really want to be there. Felix was upbeat, trying to reassure him but he didn’t understand.

‘Come on. There’s plenty of pizza left for you,’ Felix said, as the lift doors shut behind them. He was far too cheerful for the situation. There was a woman in there petrified of him and all Felix could do was suggest pizza.

‘I’m not hungry.’

Felix grabbed his shoulders and pushed him down into a chair. Wolfgang grumbled but Felix was one of the few people who could get away with manhandling him.

‘Tough,’ Felix said. ‘I promised Rajan I’d look after you so just sit your arse down and eat something.’

‘I’m not sure he made you promise him to bully me into eating.’

‘Shows what you know, Wolfie, because he did. Told me to make sure you eat and drink properly but no alcohol. Oh, and sleep was mentioned too. You know, not avoiding it.’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes. ‘Typical,’ he groaned but extracted a slice of pizza from one of the boxes anyway. Not bothering with a plate, he just started eating it.

‘What happened to the new domesticated Wolfie?’ Felix asked, taking a seat beside him.

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Doesn’t seem important right now.’

Felix watched him for a moment, then sighed. ‘So what did the blonde chick say?’

Wolfgang glanced at him, confused for a moment, until he remembered that, of course, Elin had been speaking in Icelandic. He looked away, staring blankly ahead. ‘That I’m dangerous.’ He took a deep breath. ‘That I’m a monster.’

He heard Felix take in a sharp breath, then he let it out slowly. ‘Fuck.’ He dropped his arm around Wolfgang’s shoulders and leaned in close. ‘You know you’re not though, don’t you, brother?’

Wolfgang dropped his gaze and didn’t say anything. He didn’t know that at all. In fact, some part of him, quite a large part if he was honest, completely agreed with her. He knew the things he’d done. He knew where he came from. He knew _who_ he came from. He was a Bogdanow and they were all fucking monsters.

Felix’s mouth was close to his ear now. ‘Come on, Wolfie, don’t think that. Ani doesn’t think you’re a monster, does she?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Takes a lot before a kid hates their parents. And she’s only little.’

Felix tutted. ‘Well, what about Rajan and Kala. And your cluster. They don’t think that and they know more about you than almost anyone.’

Wolfgang shrugged again. Felix grabbed his jaw in both hands and roughly turned his head so he had to look at him. ‘And I fucking know you better than anyone, _anyone_ , in the whole fucking world and I don’t think you’re a monster. So who you gonna believe? Me or some what some fucking psycho has made that poor woman believe with whatever fucking weird-ass psycho torture he’s put her through?’

Wolfgang just swallowed, not able to speak.

Felix tugged him close and hugged him hard. ‘You’re not a monster, Wolfie. You’re my best friend, my brother, the queerest fucking gangster, with one damn dance move, who can’t lie for shit and who’s far too beautiful for your own fucking good. You’re badass, yeah and a great shot with the highest high kick I’ve ever seen but you’re no fucking monster.’

He kissed Wolfgang’s cheek. ‘You have to believe me, because I’m your best friend and I’m fucking telling you.’

Wolfgang still couldn’t say anything but he felt a smile cross his face and he hugged his best friend, his brother, back tightly.


	146. Chapter 146

Elin had slept again and, when she woke, she felt much less strange. The weeks and months before Alois had taken her away came back to her. She knew who she was. She knew her cluster.

She woke in Niki’s arms, with Kiri sitting nearby. She sat up, blinking around. She felt so much more normal and her head no longer swam. She was … hungry.

‘Is there anything I can eat?’ she asked.

Niki grinned at her. ‘You can have anything you want. We’ll order in or someone can go out for something.’

‘I feel like I’ve had pizza but I haven’t, have I?’

Niki laughed. ‘No, you haven’t. But I have.’

‘Ugh, does that mean you can taste Niki’s disgusting prawn and olive pizza?’ asked Kiri.

Elin smiled. ‘Yeah. It’s not too bad. Though I wouldn’t choose it myself.’

Niki held her hand. ‘You can have whatever you want.’

‘Just a margherita.’

‘I’ll get the guys to order now.’

There was quiet for a moment and Elin guessed that visiting to sort out the food.

‘Where is he?’ Elin asked. ‘That … that man.’

Niki glanced at Kiri, then back at her. ‘Wolfgang? He’s just in the living room, with Felix. They both helped us get you out of there. If it wasn’t for them you’d still be unconscious in that room.’

Elin rubbed a hand over her face. ‘I don’t … I don’t understand what’s happening. Why was I there?’

‘Alois was keeping you there.’

‘Why would he do that? He said he wanted to protect me.’

‘We don’t know exactly what he wanted,’ said Kiri. ‘But whatever his motives were they weren’t to protect you.’

‘How do you know?’ Elin asked.

Kiri met her gaze. ‘Because someone who is trying to protect you doesn’t keep you dosed on sedatives locked in some room on your own.’

Elin dropped her gaze. It was all so confusing. He had seemed so honest, so kind. But Kiri was right. He’d locked her up, kept her drugged up. She remembered being frightened and alone. She remembered darkness and the feeling of being trapped. She remembered wanting her cluster and wanting Will so much.

And how she was free. She turned and saw Will. He smiled softly at her. ‘I’m here. I’ll always be here for you.’

She closed her eyes and let his presence wash over her. She felt safe with him there and she knew that the rest of her cluster was also close by, ready if she needed them. Alois had been wrong about them. She could trust them. She could feel that.

Niki felt bad for Wolfgang but she also didn’t want Elin getting upset like that again. He seemed to understand that and he stayed away. He got Felix to bring the pizza to the bedroom and Elin ate in bed, talking to Niki and Kiri. At least she seemed to trust them.

It was getting late and Niki started to worry about sleeping arrangements. She didn’t want to leave Elin alone but neither did she want to push things.

‘I can’t believe I’m so tired even after all that time unconscious,’ said Elin.

‘Unconsciousness is not the same as sleep,’ said Kala.

Niki looked at her. ‘Proper sleep will help now, won’t it?’

Kala smiled warmly. ‘It will.’

Elin snuggled down in the blankets. ‘Proper sleep sounds like a good idea.’ She reached out her hand for Niki’s. ‘Will you stay with me?’ She glanced at Kiri. ‘Both of you?’

Kiri gave her a warm smile and Niki saw how her eyes lit up. ‘Of course.’

Niki couldn’t feel Kiri’s emotions the way she could with her cluster but she could read her girlfriend better than anyone and she knew how much she cared about Elin already. She just wasn’t sure if it was for herself or for Niki’s feelings for her.

A little while later, the three of them curled up in bed together. Elin lay in Niki’s arms, closed her eyes and sighed contentedly. Kiri spooned behind Niki and pulled the blanket over the three of them.

She kissed Niki’s shoulder. ‘You’re doing really well with her,’ she murmured, once Elin was asleep.

‘I’ll be happier when she’s further away from _him_.’

‘She’d be safe back home, if that’s what she wants.’

Niki glanced round at her. ‘You mean home with us?’

Kiri nodded, looking at Elin, who was sleeping peacefully. ‘If that’s what she wants.’

‘The only thing is, if Alois wants to get to her, he can wherever she is.’

‘But if she’s with us, he won’t be able to take her away again. We can keep her safe.’

Niki tightened her arm around Elin and held Kiri’s hand against her waist. ‘Yeah. We’ll keep her safe.’

With the other three safely asleep in the spare room, Wolfgang got into Felix’s bed, wearing lounge pants and a t-shirt out of consideration for his best friend. He’d been resisting the urge to visit Elin all evening. As much as he wanted to check on her, he also didn’t want to freak her out again. So he had to content himself with Niki and Will’s reports on how she was doing. He could feel that Anwar and Rafael were close by too and he knew all her cluster would be watching over her. She was in safe hands.

He smiled a little as Felix got into bed beside him. They’d shared a bed before, many times. In more recent years, it had been while drunk, after a good night out. But he remembered doing it as a child too. Sometimes, when things had been bad with his father, he’d sneaked out of the house and gone to Felix’s place. Or later, when he’d lived with his uncle and his cousin had been a bullying prick about something.

Wolfgang would climb in the window and Felix would let him into his bed and not mind if Wolfie clung to him all through the night. After a while, Felix’s mama had just made breakfast for both of them automatically.

He didn’t smile as he thought of the worst time. After failing to find help at his uncle’s house that night, he’d gone to Felix. He hadn’t told him, though he knew now that Felix had worked out what had happened. They never talked about it back then. Felix was just there for him. He had never needed to know the reasons. The only reason Felix needed was that he loved him.

Felix nudged him. ‘Hey, are you brooding again?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Not really. Just thinking about the past.’

‘That sounds like brooding.’

Wolfgang shook his head but the sick throb in his stomach told him otherwise. All he wanted to do was help Elin and he couldn’t. Just like he hadn’t been able to help his mama.

He glanced at Felix. ‘Why do there have to be so many fucked up people in this world? Where do there have to be people who enjoy hurting others?’

Felix looked at him for a moment, frowning. ‘I wish I had the answers for you. But I don’t. I don’t think anybody knows that. All you can do is not be one yourself.’ He smiled. ‘Which you’re not, by the way.’

Wolfgang grinned and shook his head. ‘Felix, that’s almost soppy.’

Felix grinned, reached out for him and tugged him roughly into a hug. ‘Yeah, well with you I can get away with it. As long as you don’t tell anyone.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘I won’t.’ He rested his head on Felix’s skinny chest and closed his eyes. Felix held him tight in his arms. In a moment, he was right back to their childhood, just basking in the simple comfort of his best friend’s presence. Moments like this had got him through so much pain. It would get him through this.


	147. Chapter 147

_Darkness surrounds her. The air presses close, suffocating her. Elin takes in a breath and it comes but it’s thick and hot, almost painful. She reaches out in the dark emptiness around her, desperate to feel someone with her._

_At first, only the emptiness greets her but then there are warm fingertips meeting hers, making her skin tingle. Then a firm hand grasps her and pulls her close._

_She sees piercing, greenish blue eyes. That hard gaze studies her. She feels love and relief, the desperate desire to please and the terror of getting something wrong._

_‘You left me,’ he says. His voice is soft and sweet, beguiling and commanding. There is hurt there too and she knows how easily that hurt can turn to anger._

_‘They took me away,’ she says, desperate not to bring that terrible angry out. ‘I didn’t choose to leave. I could come back. I will come back to you.’_

_He looks at her, his eyes cold and expressionless. ‘What makes you think I want you?’_

_He laughs and a cold shiver runs through her. He turns away._

_She reaches for him, desperate to appease him but he ignores her and walks away. He doesn’t want her. What is she without him?_

Elin jerked awake in a sweaty mess, her heart pounding. She had to get out. She scrambled away from Niki and bolted out of the room. Her stomach lurched and she wanted to throw up but she couldn’t remember where the bathroom was.

Suddenly a strong but gentle hand slipped through hers and tugged her gently in a different direction. ‘This way, Schatz.’ The voice was low, the masculine voice curling around the softly spoken German.

He was calm and in control and she could do nothing but let him lead her. A moment later, she felt the hard edge of porcelain under her hands. She gripped the sink as he stomach lurched again and she threw up into it.

One strong but gentle hand rubbed her back, while the other held back her hair for her.

She was sick several times before she stood up straight again. She glanced at Wolfgang, who was watching her with an understanding look in his eyes.

‘Thank you,’ she said.

Wolfgang shrugged, glancing away from her. He ran the water, washing the mess away. Then he reached for mouthwash and a washcloth for her. He didn’t say anything as she cleaned herself up.

‘I need water,’ she murmured.

They went through to the lounge and he fetched her a glass of water. She watched him. This was the man that Alois said was dangerous. But here he was looking after her, making sure she was okay.

He passed her the water and sat down opposite her on the sofa. He glanced at her for a moment, then away again. It was like he didn’t want to look her in the eye, like he was afraid of scaring her.

While he was looking away, she looked at him. He was handsome, beautiful even. Defined cheekbones, carefully sculpted stubble, long lashes and full, pink lips. His almond-shaped blue eyes were not cold like Alois’s could be. In fact there was something vulnerable in his eyes, something that Alois never had. He was frowning slightly and a little line appeared between his fair eyebrows. He didn’t look like a bad person but maybe Alois knew something she didn’t.

‘Alois says you’re dangerous.’

Wolfgang glanced at her. He bit his lip, then his frown deepened and he looked down at his hands, clasped in front of him. ‘I can’t deny he’s right.’ He looked up at her. ‘I’ve killed people.’

As she looked at him, she noticed his eyes were wet with tears, though he didn’t let them fall. He looked so young suddenly, like she could see the part of him that was still a boy, somewhat lost and overwhelmed. She couldn’t imagine him ever being cruel or hurting innocent people.

‘Why?’ she asked.

He sat up. ‘To protect those I love.’

‘Tell me.’

He looked startled, then looked away and cleared his throat. ‘It’s complicated.’

‘I want to hear. I want to understand.’

He sighed deeply and leaned back against the sofa. ‘The people I killed … spent their lives hurting other people. I stopped that and I can’t regret it. If … if that makes you distrust me, then that’s how it is.’ He sighed again. ‘I just hope … I hope when my daughter finds out about the things I’ve done … that she doesn’t hate me too.’

‘You have a daughter?’

Wolfgang brightened, a bright smile filling his face. ‘Yeah. She’s nine months.’

‘Where is she?’

‘At home with her mama and papa, my spouses. I miss her … I miss them all, even though it’s only been a couple of days. You must miss your family too.’

‘I’ve been away from them before.’

‘But that was your choice. This … you were taken away. He took you away from your life, your family and your cluster. That isn’t right, Elin. Can you see that?’

She didn’t answer. She looked away from him, focusing on the glass of water gripped in her hands. She realised she hadn’t had a drink yet. She took several gulps of the water before she looked at him again.

‘Would you kill for your cluster?’ she found herself asking.

Without hesitation, he nodded. ‘I would … and I have. I would do anything for them. They’re my family.’ He smiled. ‘Even when they get on my nerves. I guess that’s what family is.’

‘Alois said he’d do anything for me but …’

‘What?’

She looked at him, then away again. ‘My dream. It was about him. A nightmare really. I don’t know if it’s real or not. It sounded like him, like the kind of thing he would do.’

‘As sensates, we can share dreams. I have thought that maybe some of the dreams I’ve been having were from you, while you were unconscious. Through Will before but …’

‘What?’

‘We’re connected now and … I had a dream too. That’s why I’m up. It was a nightmare … about Alois.’

‘He … he said he didn’t want me.’

He looked at her for a moment and there was something intense about his expression. She wanted to look away but she couldn’t. His intensity seemed to hold her there.

‘Some type of people like to play with others’ feelings. They like to hurt people. Sometimes that’s physical, sometimes it’s emotional or psychological. My father was like that and I think Alois is too. He gets some sort of sick pleasure out of it.’

She shook her head in disbelief. ‘But if we’re all one cluster, why would he want to do that to me?’ She huffed, hurt and anger pulsing through her. ‘Why can’t my cluster be like yours? Why won’t they do anything for me?’

‘They would. I don’t know them all yet but Niki would. She’d do anything for you. And I can feel how much Rafael and Anwar care about you too. I don’t know Teddy or Mari or Tora yet but all of them worked together to get you away from Alois. They all love you. You don’t need Alois because you have the rest of them.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘It’s late. You should go back to bed, before Niki wakes up and starts worrying about you.’

She nodded, taking another drink before standing up. She hesitated, looking down at him. ‘What about you?’

He shrugged. ‘I’m all right. I’m used to staying up.’

‘You can’t stay up forever though. You should let your cluster look after you.’

He smiled. ‘That’s what they’re always telling me.’

‘They’re right,’ she said. She turned and made her way back to the bedroom where Niki and Kiri were sleeping. It was time to let her cluster look after her, the ones who cared about her, the ones who loved her. 


	148. Chapter 148

For a while, Wolfgang sat where he was on the sofa, clasping his hands together and trying to focus himself. Sun had been with him during his conversation with Elin, helping him stay calm but he was alone now. He thought, he hoped that Elin was starting to be less afraid of him. He wasn’t sure if he’d done a good job explaining everything but he’d done what he could. Now he needed to get himself together.

He missed having a balcony. At home when he needed to focus, he’d go out on the balcony and breath the fresh air. It always helped.

Decision made, he got up, put some shoes on, grabbed his jacket and headed out into the lift. He knew the club was open. As the lift doors closed, he could hear the music. The dance beat took him right back to all his years on the club scene in Berlin, letting the drink, the dancing and the fucking take him away from his problems.

Kala was with him suddenly, slipping her hand through his and looking up at him, her eyes wide with concern. She was dressed in her red nightdress and her feet were bare.

He smiled at her. ‘Hello. What are you doing up?’

‘Anika’s had me awake for about an hour. She’s only just settled.’

‘I’m sure it won’t be long until I’m back.’

Kala nodded but she still looked worried.

‘What is it?’ he asked.

‘You’re going to the club?’

He shrugged. ‘I just need to get out for a bit. Get some air.’

She bit her lip. ‘You’re not … drinking?’

He leaned in and kissed her. ‘I have no intention of getting drunk. Promise.’

She pushed her hand into his jacket and held onto him by his shirt. ‘I wish I could be with you.’

‘So do I but you’re looking after our girl and that’s more important.’

She smiled. ‘You’re important too.’

‘I’m all right.’ He kissed her again. ‘Don’t worry about me, Liebling. I’ve got myself under control.’ He chuckled softly. ‘For once.’

The lift stopped on the ground floor and the doors opened. He pulled away. ‘Go back to sleep, Liebling, while Ani lets you.’

‘What are you going to do?’

‘Like I said, just getting some air, then I’m going back to bed.’

She held his gaze for a moment, then smiled before she went back to bed. He made his way through to the club. It was filled with people, all dancing to the beat. He went to the bar and ordered a bottle of beer. Just the one would be all right. He didn’t know the bartender but, as he looked around the dancefloor, he did recognise a few faces. Not friends, just people he’d hooked up with once. It was strange to watch them. He was no longer part of that life. He had a whole different life, a better one.

He made his way through the dancing crowds towards the smoking area. He felt a few people checking him out but he ignored them. He wasn’t interested in hooking up. He went outside into the smoking area. There were a couple of other people there but they were sitting under the shelter, having a close conversation and didn’t pay him any attention. He stayed out of earshot of them, went in his jacket and took out his cigarettes.

‘Thought you wanted fresh air,’ said Will.

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘What I really want to do is find Alois and shoot him in the face but we can’t have everything.’ He took out a cigarette and felt in his pockets for a lighter.

‘Thanks,’ said Will. ‘For not killing him.’

Wolfgang concentrated on lighting his cigarette and taking in a long drag. ‘Rajan made me promise.’

‘I know you wanted to and maybe he does deserve it but … I can’t describe to you how much it would have hurt me.’

‘I know.’ He smoked in silence for a few moments, letting the familiar sensation calm him. Then he glanced at Will again. ‘Did you see Elin’s dream too?’

Will nodded, looking down. ‘Yeah. Why do you think I’m up?’

‘I was thinking … those dreams we’ve been having. Do you think that was her?’

‘I was thinking that too. All that time and we could feel her but we didn’t even know it.’

‘I think she’s been through a lot. The way she is … she reminds me of my mother. She’s been hurt and she’s going to need time to get over it. She’s going to need time to realise that the things he told her aren’t true. Trust me, that’ll take her some time.’ 

Will leaned against him. ‘It’s good she’s got you.’

Wolfgang looked at him, frowning. ‘She’s got all of us.’

‘Yeah but … you understand her more. You know what she’s been through and you sensed about Alois right from the start.’ Will looked down at the ground. ‘You’ve done a better job of protecting her than I have.’

‘No I haven’t, Will. I’ve been sulky and stubborn for months.’ He took a swig of his beer. ‘If I’d agreed to meet your cluster earlier, I would have seen exactly who he was straight away and I could have protected you all better.’

‘But I wouldn’t listen to you and …’

‘What’s with the pity party?’ interrupted Sun.

They both looked at her and Wolfgang smiled. ‘She’s right,’ he said to Will. ‘This isn’t going to help anything.’

‘What’s done is done,’ she agreed. ‘Now you deal with it.’

Will was quiet for a moment, not looking at either of them as he thought. Wolfgang exchanged glances with Sun, who seemed content to wait for what Will had to say.

‘I don’t think you should stay here long,’ Will said. ‘I think it’s best if you all go back to Paris.’

‘They can stay with us until they decide where they want to go,’ said Wolfgang. ‘It’ll be easier for Elin to have lots of people around to support her.’

‘I’d like to come,’ said Will. ‘Really be with her. If you don’t mind.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘You know you’re always welcome.’

‘I just need … to look after them, that’s all.’

Wolfgang took one last drag of his cigarette then stubbed it out. ‘I know.’ He took another swig of his beer, draining the bottle.

Will nudged him. ‘You’re not having another of those, are you?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘No. I’m going to bed. You probably should too. I don’t think Elin’s going to have another bad dream tonight.’

‘Sleep well,’ said Sun. ‘I’m going back to work.’

Wolfgang made his way back up to the flat. All was dark and quiet. He toed his shoes off, hung up his jacket and crept through to Felix’s bedroom. Felix stirred, squinting at him from the bed.

‘What are you doing, Wolfie?’

‘Just been for some air. I’m all right.’

Felix frowned at him, examining him for a moment. Whatever he saw seemed to satisfy him, because he closed his eyes again and was snoring again in a moment. Wolfgang climbed into bed beside him. He hesitated for a moment, then shuffled up close to him. Just the feel of his friend’s skinny frame against his made him feel more settled, as it always had, and always would.


	149. Chapter 149

Wolfgang was surrounded by warmth and softness. The sweet scent of lavender was in his nostrils and Kala’s soft dark curls tickled his cheek. He kissed her and she responded to him, touching his jaw in a fingertip caress.

The others were with them too. Capheus wrapped his strong arms around them both at once, hugging them to him. Sun’s certain grip closed around his wrist and he could feel her strength. Nomi’s breath was hot and fast on his neck and, through her, he could feel Amanita, her mouth on Nomi, her tongue and lips working together to give her wife pleasure.

Lito’s hands gripped both hips, moving with them as they found their rhythm. Will arousal pulsed through him as he buried himself in Riley and, for a dizzying moment, Wolfgang could not tell who he was moving against and who he could feel against him. Their pleasured tumbled over each other’s and none of them could distinguish between one another.

‘Oi,’ said Felix, poking him in the ribs. ‘I don’t know what you’re doing, Wolfie but you’re shaking the bed.’

Wolfgang came back to where he was with an unpleasant jerk in his body. He lay back and rubbed his hands over his face, suddenly missing his lovers, his cluster, so much he couldn’t get a breath. He needed to be with them again, properly, all of them together.

‘Sorry,’ he said, to Felix. ‘I was with my cluster.’

‘Yeah, well that’s one thing in your own bed but in mine, you need to behave.’

‘Sorry,’ he said again.

Felix glanced at him. ‘Oh, don’t worry.’ He reached out and patted Wolfgang’s shoulder. ‘You all right?’

Wolfgang cleared his throat. ‘Yeah, but I think we’d better think about getting back to Paris soon.’

Felix snorted. ‘Yeah, before you get properly carried away in _my_ bed.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Sorry. I’ll get up.’ He gave his friend a friendly pat on his shoulder. ‘You go back to sleep and let me sort breakfast out.’

Felix closed his eyes and snuggled back under the duvet, muttering something about ‘domesticated’.

Wolfgang went for a shower and got dressed before going through to the main living area, intent on discovering whether there was any actual food in this kitchen. He wasn’t hopeful. But even if there wasn’t anything, he could go and pick something up for breakfast. He smiled as he thought of Rajan’s horror at the idea of a takeaway breakfast. Fuck, he missed him. And not just his food. 

Niki was woken by a soft kiss on her lips, a kiss that was at once unfamiliar and familiar. She opened her eyes and looked up into Elin’s face. Butterflies fluttered in her belly as she looked up into that beautiful face. She was still even paler than usual but she was smiling and her eyes were a little brighter.

‘Good morning,’ Elin said, her voice little more than a whisper.

Niki smiled back at her. ‘Good morning. You look brighter this morning.’

Elin sat back on her heels and Niki sat up too, so she could keep gazing into her face.

‘I feel a lot brighter. I want to be up and dressed today.’

Niki nodded. ‘Good. Maybe we should check with Anwar but I think you should listen to what your body is telling you to do.’

‘That’s definitely getting up.’

Behind Elin, the door opened and Kiri came through, balancing a tray in her hands. She was already dressed and she took in the sight of the two of them sitting on the bed together with a smile on her face.

‘Good morning, sleepyhead,’ she said, to Niki. ‘Elin, did _you_ have to wake her in the end?’

Elin laughed and something inside Niki pulsed at the musical sound. ‘I had to wake her with a kiss, just like Sleeping Beauty.’ She smiled shyly at Niki. ‘Which you are.’

Niki felt her face get hot and she cleared her throat. ‘What’s that you’ve brought us?’ she asked Kiri.

Her girlfriend put the tray down on the bedside table. ‘Coffee for us and herbal tea for Elin.’

‘Thank you,’ said Elin, a light blush appearing on her cheeks. ‘I didn’t think Felix would have anything like that.’

Kiri smiled as she passed her the cup. ‘Wolfgang insisted on going out to get it for you. He’s a good guy, you know, under that tough guy exterior.’

Elin smiled as she wrapped her hands around the cup. ‘I know. He … he and I had a little talk last night.’

‘Oh? When? I thought you’d slept through,’ said Niki.

Elin skirted her gaze away and shrugged. ‘Not really. I had … a bit of a bad dream. Wolfgang looked after me. It was like he knew some of what I was feeling. He is tough and he’s done some things most people wouldn’t but … I think he’s a good man.’ She grinned. ‘Maybe he’s just a bit of a bad boy with a good heart.’

‘I think that’s exactly it,’ said Niki, taking her coffee off Kiri and taking a cautious sip. ‘He helped us get you out of there and I think he cares a lot. He’s just quiet about it.’

‘Like you,’ said Kiri, giving her an affectionate look.

Niki laughed. ‘Yeah, like me.’

Elin looked between the two of them and, for a moment, she looked deep in thought. Then she shook her head and took a breath. ‘I think after I’ve had my tea, I’d like to have a shower and get dressed. I don’t suppose you have any clothes for me?’

‘Aw, shit, I forgot about that. Is there anything in the case you had with you? We’ve got that.’

Elin shook her head. ‘Just night-things, underwear and my passport. I don’t know what he did with my clothes.’

‘We have the suitcase you left in Iceland but it’s back in Paris.’

‘That place…’ Elin murmured, her expression far away, like she was reliving something she didn’t want to think about. She shook her head. ‘Can I borrow some clothes?’

Niki shrugged helplessly. ‘You can borrow anything you like but I think my stuff would drown you. I’m a few sizes bigger than you.’

‘You can borrow something of mine,’ said Kiri. ‘You’re not much smaller than me.’

‘Not as strong as you though,’ said Elin, then blushed bright red.

Kiri smiled, open affection in her face. Elin ducked her head and busied herself with drinking her tea. Kiri exchanged looks with Niki and her eyes twinkled.


	150. Chapter 150

Thinking about what Rajan would do and what Oma would say, Wolfgang had decided to get some proper food for everybody, especially since he hoped they would be flying home that day if they could get everything sorted. So he bought sausages, eggs to fry and rye bread. Miraculously, Felix had butter. He also bought some pastries in case anyone didn’t like German sausage. He also bought the herbal tea Kiri had requested on Elin’s behalf.

As he cooked, he could feel Elin and Niki. He could feel their happiness together as they laughed and chatted with Kiri while getting dressed. He was pleased to realise that Elin was feeling a lot more energetic. He saw it for himself when everybody was sitting around the table for breakfast. She joined in the conversation eagerly with them all and ate plenty. Wolfgang guessed she had lost some weight while she had been with _him_ and she needed to build herself up again.

‘I’ve been thinking,’ he said, once most of the food had been eaten. ‘I think we should go back home. I mean to Paris, where I live.’

Elin glanced at Niki and Kiri. ‘They want me to go to New Zealand with them.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘I think that would be a good idea but you’re not up to the long journey yet.’

‘I agree,’ said Anwar. ‘You need to build up your strength.’

‘There is room for everybody,’ said Wolfgang. ‘And my husband happens to be an excellent cook so you won’t just have to put up with my efforts.’

Elin smiled. ‘That does sound nice but … what about Alois?’

The mention of that name immediately put tension into all of their bodies.

‘We can protect you,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Will’s going to come too. And Riley. We’ll protect you together. Nobody is going to take you anywhere you don’t want to go ever again.’

Elin looked back at him and, for a moment, her eyes shone. Then she blinked and looked away. Wolfgang felt her hold Niki’s hand under the table.

‘Right,’ said Wolfgang, draining his coffee cup. ‘I’ll see if I can sort out a flight for today.’

‘I’m gonna stay in Berlin for a bit, Wolfie,’ said Felix. ‘I need to find a better manager for the club. The one I’ve got is in way over his head. Unless you need me?’

Wolfgang patted him on his back. ‘No, I’m fine.’ He smiled. ‘I’m going home.’

Wolfgang was able to get a flight back early that evening. Without much packing to do, getting ready to go was straightforward. Felix drove them to the airport and then it was time to say goodbye.

Felix hugged him tight. ‘I’ll be back in a couple of weeks so you behave. Text me if you want me.’

‘I’ll be good,’ said Wolfgang with a grin.

Felix hugged Elin too, more gently and gave her a tender smile. ‘You be careful, Schatz and let this lot look after you.’

Elin beamed, her pale cheeks going pink. ‘I will.’

Niki took charge in the airport, making sure they went to the right places, leaving Wolfgang free to keep an eye on their surroundings. He didn’t honestly think Alois would try anything here. It would be stupid to try anything in an airport with all the security around and he didn’t think Alois was stupid. But you never knew with some people.

But they got through without problems or any sign of Alois. Maybe he’d worked out that if Wolfgang saw him again, he’d do more than punch him. He’d booked business class, making sure they had four seats together. He was anxious, though he knew Alois couldn’t physically get to Elin now. But he still had his words and he could visit her if he wanted. Wolfgang spent the flight keeping a close eye on her but she seemed fine and chatted happily with Niki and Kiri, her face bright and smiling.

Wolfgang thought back to the time he’d flown to Mumbai with Rajan’s life under threat. It had been his first actual visit to India but he’d been too worried about Rajan and Kala to enjoy it properly.

That debacle had ended up with him getting stabbed and nearly dying. He felt the old scar through his shirt and shuddered. That was something he definitely didn’t want to repeat.

But Alois was not a match for him physically. He could beat that skinny little shit any day and he would if it came to it.

Rajan came to pick them up. He was waiting in the short stay car park, leaning against the car and watching Wolfgang push the luggage trolley towards him. Wolfgang felt a smile spread across his face and his heart began to beat faster at the sight of him. All he wanted to do was run to him and grab him into a proper hug.

Niki took the trolley off him. ‘Go say hello,’ she murmured.

He sent her a grateful smile, then let go of the trolley and ran over to Rajan. Part of his brain marvelled at the idea that he was so openly and easily running to the arms of someone he loved, but most of him was just desperate to get to Rajan.

The moment he reached him, Rajan reached out and pulled him into a tight hug. Wolfgang buried his face in his husband’s neck, breathing in the scent of him and feeling his warmth against him.

‘Fuck, I missed you,’ he murmured, holding Rajan tight.

Rajan held him back. Then he pulled back just enough to kiss Wolfgang’s cheek, tenderly. ‘Missed you more,’ he said, his warm voice full of affection and love.

Wolfgang allowed himself another moment, just holding onto his love. Then he pulled away, as he felt the others step up beside up. Rajan gave him a smile, then turned his attention to Elin.

‘Elin, it is so good to meet you and to see you looking so well. We were all worried about you. I’m Rajan and we’re going to treat you like a queen while you’re with us.’

Elin smiled shyly but Wolfgang could feel she was pleased by Rajan’s kind words. He smiled at Rajan; he felt so proud to be loved by such a kind and generous man.

‘Right, let’s get you all home. I’ve got a casserole in the oven for whoever is hungry.’

‘I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed your cooking,’ said Wolfgang.

Rajan laughed. ‘I’m never in any doubt about that.’

They got in the car. Wolfgang sat in the front next to Rajan and the three girls sat in the back. He grinned as he noticed they were holding hands. He looked at Rajan, watching his profile as he focused on the road. It hadn’t even been that long but it felt like an age since he’d been able to just look at him. It was hard being parted from him when he couldn’t see him or talk to him anytime he wanted. He missed Kala too but they could connect with each other whenever they needed. That was the only drawback to a relationship with a Sapien.

At last, they were pulling in. A few minutes later, Rajan was opening the door of the flat and there was Kala. She came to Wolfgang, all softness and warmth and he kissed her, breathing in the sweet scent of honeysuckle. She smiled up at him.

‘I know someone else who’s missed you.’

She turned and Anika squealed as she caught sight of him. She was in her highchair but the toys she had been playing with were immediately forgotten and she wriggled, shrieking with delight and the desperate need to be with him. The warmth of love spread over him and he crossed to her, lifted her up out of her highchair and held her to him.

The scent of her was incredible and he hadn’t realised until this moment how familiar he had become with it. She grasped hold of his jacket as tight as she could. She nuzzled against him and he kissed the top of her head.

‘I missed you, Mäuslein. But Vati’s home now,’ he murmured to her in German. She turned her head, listening intently to him. He kissed her again, then glanced around. He grinned as he realised everybody was watching him. Elin in particular was paying close attention.

He cleared his throat and looked at Rajan. ‘Hey, Raj, didn’t you say something about food?’

Rajan grinned back at him. ‘I did. Make yourselves comfortable everyone. It’ll just be a few minutes.’

Elin came over to Wolfgang, smiling at Anika. She reached out and stroked her hand, where it still rested on his chest.

‘She’s beautiful,’ she murmured.

Wolfgang beamed. ‘She is. My little Ani, aren’t you, Mäuslein?’

Anika gurgled happily at him and Elin melted.


	151. Chapter 151

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. This chapter took a little while to get right! Still lots more to come!

It was late evening and Elin was well-fed and happy. Wolfgang had been right about Rajan. He was a kind and welcoming host and a wonderful cook. It felt like a long time since she had eaten as well as this. With a start, she realised it had. Alois had kept her alive but little else.

She felt much more like herself, like she had felt before Alois had started making her believe those things. But she was more than herself now. She was her cluster, one of seven.

They were all with her now. As she sat on the sofa in the homely living room, Niki sat beside her and held her hand. Elin let herself lean against her and she was warm and solid against her. At the same time, she could feel Mari and Tora. They were together, in Mari’s flat in Cardiff but they were here too, wrapped around each other but joining in the embrace between all of them.

Rafael and Teddy were holding each other’s hands and Elin could feel their desire to be with each other, their jealousy of herself and Niki, and of Mari and Tora, but also their gratitude that the seven of them had each other.

She looked at Anwar, who was sitting a little apart from them but smiling that sweet, gentle smile, with half his attention on his boys and half on them. She could feel he was shyer and quieter about his feelings but it was obvious to all of them how glad he was that she was back with them. She was glad too. She was back where she belonged, with her family.

She glanced at Wolfgang. She felt he understood some of what she’d been through, on some level. He was like a kindred spirit in a way, although she felt that most of what he’d been through was something he kept to himself as much as he could. He certainly wasn’t an open book.

What was clear though was how much he loved his family. He was curled up on the sofa, in between Rajan and Kala. Rajan’s arm was around his shoulders, his hand settled at the nape of his neck, absently massaging the muscle. Wolfgang’s arm was around Kala and she leaned contentedly into him. The baby was snuggled in her arms, fast asleep. They were the perfect picture of a happy family and she did not miss how Wolfgang kept allowing himself happy little smiles. He gazed with love as his daughter, or turned his face into Kala’s hair to breathe in her scent, or tilted up his head for a kiss from Rajan.

The sight of the triad, in perfect sync with each other made a feeling stir in Elin that she wasn’t quite sure of. She leaned a little more into Niki and Niki’s arm tightened around her. Elin glanced across at Kiri, who was sitting on Niki’s other side. She didn’t seem to mind that her girlfriend was holding hands with another woman. She had been so nice to her, just as kind and attentive as Niki.

Elin wanted to know her better, wanted to be with her as much as she wanted to be with Niki.

‘Right,’ said Rajan suddenly. ‘I think it’s time for bed. At least for me.’ He smiled around at them. ‘Your beds are all ready for you, as I showed you before. Is there anything else I can do for you?’

Niki sat up. ‘No, I think we’re good. It is getting late.’

‘And this little one definitely needs to be in bed,’ said Kala.

She stood up, carefully shifting Anika in her arms. She leaned down and kissed Wolfgang, then Rajan. ‘Don’t be long,’ she said, with a smile.

Wolfgang sat up eagerly. He glanced at Elin and smiled. Then he was visiting and he squeezed her arm gently.

‘Remember to lean on them,’ he said. ‘I know it’s hard. Believe me, I know. But if you fall, they will catch you. They’ve already proven it.’

She nodded. ‘I know. Thank you.’

He nodded. ‘And if you have a bad night, nightmares or anything, feel free to use my swimming pool. A swim always makes me feel better.’

She was about to reply but then he was pulling away and following Kala up to bed. Rajan got up and started checking the doors. Niki turned to Elin. She was smiling but her eyes were anxious.

‘Would you like to come in with us again?’ she asked. ‘I mean, you don’t have to. If you’d rather be alone…’

Elin shook her head and smiled at both Niki and Kiri. ‘I don’t think I ever want to be alone again.’

Quietly, Rajan left and the three of them were alone. Elin took a breath, then leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on Niki’s lips. Then she turned to Kiri. They looked at each other for a moment, then leaned into each other and shared a sweet, soft kiss. Kiri sighed into her and Niki’s hand rested on her back.

‘Let’s go to bed,’ Kiri murmured, with a firmness to her voice that made Elin want to follow her anywhere she would lead.

When Wolfgang got into the bedroom, Kala had already successfully transferred Anika to her cot and their little girl was still fast asleep.

‘She’s out for the count,’ Kala said, smiling fondly. ‘It’s all the excitement of meeting new people.’

‘She’s a social butterfly,’ said Wolfgang. He laughed. ‘She doesn’t get that from me.’

Kala chuckled softly. ‘You do realise she’s had a double dose of stubborn from us?’

Wolfgang huffed. ‘God help us when she’s a teenager.’

‘Good thing we’ve got Rajan.’

‘Talking about me?’ asked Rajan. They glanced round and saw him just stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him.

Kala went to him, sliding her arm around his waist and hugging him. ‘Just how grateful we are to have you.’

A pleased smile spread across Rajan’s face and his eyes twinkled. Wolfgang went to them and hugged him too. Then he kissed them both in turn.

‘It’s time you two took me to bed,’ he said with a smile.

Rajan grinned like he didn’t need to be told twice. He reached for the hem of Wolfgang’s t-shirt and pulled it off over his head. Punctuating their actions with kisses, the three slowly undressed each other as they made their way to their bed.

Wolfgang knew he was right where he belonged as he lay down in between his lovers. He kissed Kala, focusing on the softness of her lips, the warmth of her naked body against his. There was nothing in between them and nothing to separate them.

Rajan joined them, his chest warm and solid against Wolfgang’s back and his hand sliding his hand across Wolfgang’s hip, then reached across him to Kala. Wolfgang closed his eyes as he felt Rajan’s fingers rubbing in circles over Kala’s hip, the sensation echoing in his own body.

Rajan’s mouth was soft on the back of his neck as he trailed kisses across his skin. Wolfgang felt his body responding to the sensation.

He deepened his kiss with Kala, pushing his tongue past her lips and tasting her. She murmured softly in response and it vibrated pleasantly through him. He caressed her tongue with his, eliciting more delicious sounds from her. Soon he was going to be inside her. Soon he was going to bury himself in her warmth.

Rajan nibbled on his earlobe and Wolfgang broke the kiss with Kala to let out a moan of his own. He pushed back into Rajan, already feeling the evidence of his arousal pressing against his ass. He grinned. Rajan was going to be inside him. He wanted that. He wanted to be caught deliciously between both of them. He wanted both of them to have him and for him to have them in return.

Niki was nervous as the three of them went to bed. She could feel Elin’s nervousness but also her desire. They were both unsure and Niki suddenly realised that they hadn’t really talked about this. What did they all want here?

She glanced helplessly at Kiri. What were they to do?

Kiri smiled. She reached out for Niki’s hand, then for Elin’s. She brought them both to her mouth and kissed their fingers. Elin closed her eyes, a beautifully soft smile spreading across her face.

‘You’re in charge here, Elin,’ murmured Kiri. ‘You tell us what you want to do.’

Elin opened her eyes and looked at them both for a moment. Then she stepped towards Kiri, cupped her cheek and met her mouth in a kiss. Niki smiled as she watched them. For a moment, the kiss was chaste and sweet, like the kiss they had shared in the living room but then something seemed to shift.

Niki was part of the kiss too, through Elin and she felt the mood change. She felt desire throb in Elin and she wanted to be part of that. She joined them, wrapping her arms around both of them at once and breathing them in. She hesitated but then smiled as she realised she could feel Elin’s desire for her, as clearly as she felt her own. She trailed kisses along Elin’s pale jaw as she rested her hand on the small of her back.

Elin turned from Kiri and gazed at Niki for a moment, then she smiled and met her lips in a kiss. Their lips parted and they tasted each other, sharing their heat and their breath. Then Elin’s mouth was close to Niki’s ear and she felt her warm breath on her skin.

‘I want to make love,’ she whispered.

Niki smiled, warmth spreading through her. She knew that. She felt it. Her hands went to Elin’s slim waist and she held her to her. For so long, she had been so far away, so difficult to sense. But now, she was there. She was close. They were together.

She felt Kiri’s hand on the small of her back, her mouth on her jaw and her body warm against hers. Without needing to talk about it, the three of them began to undress each other.

The heat of his lovers surrounded Wolfgang. A soft moan passed his lips as Kala trailed her nails down his spine, her thighs clenching around him, drawing him further into her. Rajan’s hand was on his hip, gentle, then firmer as he took his grip and pushed forward.

Wolfgang groaned out loud as he felt Rajan slide inside him, that delicious feeling of pressure almost too much to bear. Kala echoed his moans as his pleasure pulsed through her. He let his head fall back against Rajan’s shoulder. Rajan kissed his neck, then sucked hard enough to leave a mark. Wolfgang closed his eyes, allowing the sensations to sweep over him.

All at once, he could feel not just his pleasure and Kala’s, but also Elin and Niki’s as their hands and Kiri’s slid over each other’s bodies, as mouths tasted salty skin, as tongues brought heat to heat.

Kala trembled against him and he knew she felt it too. He reached round for Rajan’s hip, keeping him with him as he pushed forward into Kala. He knew Rajan could follow his rhythm. It was easy now, to keep with each other, to read each other. They didn’t even need to think about it.

His cluster was with him. His pleasure was their pleasure, and their pleasure was his. As those who were together made love with their bodies, all their minds made love with each other. All at once, Wolfgang was each of them as much as he was himself. He was Riley, lowering herself onto Will. He was Will, losing himself in the heat of her, giving himself completely to her.

He was Nomi, Amanita’s thighs clenching around her shoulders as her tongue tasted her, flickering over that sweet spot and smirking as she felt her buck against her. He was Sun, pinning Kwan-Ho beneath her, delighting in the strength of her body and at the delighted resistance and submission of her lover.

He was Capheus, sliding into Zakia and feeling the strength of her as she clenched her thighs around him, urging him in. He was Lito, his cries filling the air as Hernando filled him.

He could feel the other cluster too, although not as clearly as his own. He was Elin, lost in the freedom of ecstasy, as the three lovers allowed themselves to slip into the excesses of pleasure. He was Rafael, wishing so hard to be with Teddy that he could feel the smooth firmness of his body under his fingertips. Vaguer but still there were Mari and Tora, laughter turning to cries of pleasure as they wrapped themselves in each other. And although Anwar was physically alone, he was welcomed into the arms of his cluster as each of them included him in their warmth, their pleasure, and their love. Nobody thought about that missing presence.

‘Fuck, it’s so good to be home,’ murmured Wolfgang afterwards. The shockwaves of their shared orgasms still rocking through his body.

Rajan slid an arm around him, flattening his palm against his belly and allowing one fingertip to trace the thin, ragged scar there. ‘I love you,’ he whispered, his mouth against Wolfgang’s shoulder.

Kala curled up into him, resting her head against his chest and sighing contentedly. ‘We missed you,’ she breathed. She placed her hand on Rajan’s in between their bodies.

Wolfgang laced his fingers through theirs, holding both their hands at once. He closed his eyes, letting himself drift towards sleep. ‘So good to be home,’ he repeated, before he allowed sleep to claim him, held by his lovers, by his cluster and by that cluster he was now beginning to love almost as dearly as his own.


	152. Chapter 152

Wolfgang was woken by a cold breeze across his face and he heard the balcony door clattering in the wind. He scrambled out from between his lovers and out of bed to shut the door before it woke Anika.

As he glimpsed the outside, he saw it was snowing. It so rarely snowed in Paris and the sight gave him a little feel of his old home. He checked on Anika, putting his hand to her cheek to make sure she was warm enough. She was, but he tucked her blanket in a little better. Then he pulled on some jogging pants and a t-shirt before slipping out onto the balcony, making sure to shut the door properly behind him.

He took a deep breath, inhaling the fresh cold scent of the snow in the air. The balcony itself was sheltered so there was no snow on the wooden floor but there was a little snow on the railing. He put his hand on it, the cold shock sensation sending him right back to the many snowy days he’d experienced back in Berlin.

He smiled as he remembered that day when he been sitting in the snow, brooding and drinking, when Kala had appeared, bouncing around, giggling with excitement at seeing snow for the first time. He remembered watching her, knowing he could never experience such pure happiness as that and hating himself for it. 

_Why do you have to do that? Ruin everything?_

He remembered her words. They had hurt but he’d shrugged it off, not allowed himself to feel it. He was used to doing that. But the words she’d said next, he hadn’t been able to shrug off so easily. 

_You have something good and beautiful hidden inside you._

She’d told him he had to change, had to allow the real him to show. She’d just expected that of him, like it wasn’t the hardest thing in the whole world.

‘What are you doing out here? It’s freezing?’ Kala asked behind him.

Wolfgang glanced round at her. She had her fluffy dressing gown on over her negligée, and she’d put her slippers on but she still had her arms wrapped around herself and was shivering slightly.

He reached for her and tugged her to him, wrapping his arms around her. ‘It’s not so cold for me but you should go inside.’

She cuddled into him, resting her head against his chest and sighing contentedly. ‘I’m warm enough right here.’

He smiled and dropped a kiss into her hair. For a moment, they were quiet, just swaying gently together and watching the snow fall.

Then Kala took a breath and glanced up at him. ‘What were you thinking about?’

He smiled, holding her close to him. ‘Just … old times.’ He chuckled gently. ‘The first time you saw snow.’

Kala bit her lip, then turned in his arms so she could properly look into his face. ‘What I said then … I didn’t mean it. You don’t ruin everything. You don’t ruin _anything_.’

He leaned in to kiss her cheek. ‘It’s all right. I know what you meant, and you were right. I was like that.’ He looked away, looking back over the city. The snow made it brighter than usual and there was a pale orange haze in the sky, as though the dawn was trying to break through but couldn’t quite make it.

‘It was easier than figuring out why I wasn’t happy.’

He felt her gaze on him for a moment and the sadness she felt for him washed over him. He looked at her, meeting those big brown eyes, so full of warmth, passion and intelligence. It was those things that had made him fall for her. He’d never met anyone who thought about the world and how it worked as much as she did.

‘You said we had to change, become better people.’ He paused and took a steadying breath. ‘Do you think I have?’

She smiled. ‘Of course. All that work you’ve done with Corinne.’ She reached up and caressed his cheek. ‘You’re so much happier now, aren’t you?’

‘I am. I’ve got you and Raj and Ani. And I don’t _think_ I’m fucking things up anymore.’

She smiled, smoothing her thumb over his lips. ‘You’re not.’

He frowned, looking away from her. ‘It’s just … the whole thing with Alois …’

He felt Kala tense and he winced. He hadn’t really wanted to mention his name but he had to ask her. She was watching him carefully, waiting to hear what he had to say. He clenched his jaw as he tried to work out how to say it.

‘Before … you said I might be jealous or paranoid.’

She opened her mouth to reply but he wasn’t finished yet.

‘I know the way things worked out … I was right but …’

‘But what, love?’

‘What if I just felt that way because I can’t trust anyone or because I want to ruin my own happiness?’

She watched him for a moment, frowning a little as she studied his face. ‘If that was true,’ she said, at length. ‘You wouldn’t have allowed yourself to trust the rest of the cluster but you do, don’t you? You even invited them into your home. So you can trust and you do. it was just that you recognised something in him.’

She took a deep, slightly shuddering breath. ‘Because of your … history …’ she said, carefully. ‘You recognise an abuser when you see one.’

‘That’s generous,’ he said, with a slight smile. ‘At first, I was … just scared … of letting someone new in. That’s … hard for me.’

Kala stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him. ‘I know but you have let them in and now we have new friends.’

He looked at her. ‘And one new enemy.’

Her eyes widened a little and she opened her mouth to reply but, before she could, the balcony door opened and Rajan, just wearing a pair of jogging pants, popped his head through the opening.

‘So here you are. Come inside, before you get pneumonia.’

‘It’s snowing,’ said Wolfgang.

Rajan laughed. ‘I can see that, love. But neither of you are particularly well dressed for the snow.’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘I did tell her.’

Rajan shook his head in amusement. ‘At least she’s got a dressing gown on. You haven’t even got anything on your feet.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Ich bin Deutsche.’

Kala shivered and Rajan opened the door properly. ‘Come on. We’ve only got a couple more hours left to sleep before madam has us up.’

Kala went back inside. Wolfgang glanced back at the view across the city before turning to follow her.

Rajan was still at the door. He looked closely at Wolfgang. ‘You sure you’re all right?’

Wolfgang felt a smile spread across his face. Rajan was always watching out for him, always ready to talk or listen, always ready to give him affection or comfort when he needed it. He was a good man, kind and loving. It was no longer a surprise to Wolfgang that he’d allowed himself to trust him. 

‘I’m all right,’ he said. He reached for Rajan and put his arms around him in a hug. Rajan’s bare chest was warm and soft against him and his scent so familiar and loved. It made him feel safe.

Rajan hugged him back, then pressed a soft kiss on his cheek. ‘Come on, love. I refuse to believe that Germans don’t get hypothermia.’

Wolfgang laughed and let himself be tugged back inside and back to bed.


	153. Chapter 153

Elin woke feeling safe and warm in a strong, double embrace. She kept her eyes closed for a moment, savouring that feeling of safety. She knew, with absolute certainty that she was safe with Kiri and Niki by her side.

She felt Kiri shift beside her and drop a soft kiss into her hair. Elin couldn’t help but grinning at the quietly affectionate gesture and Kiri laughed.

‘Oh, you’re awake, are you?’ said Kiri, her voice warm with affection.

Elin opened her eyes and looked up at her. Kiri was smiling and her eyes were bright. Elin shifted a little up the bed, wanting to look properly at her. They needed to talk.

Kiri frowned, as if she could already tell Elin had something important to say. ‘What’s bothering you?’

Elin took a deep breath, bracing herself. ‘I just want to say … I don’t want to get in the way of you and Niki. I mean, I know you’re girlfriends and I’m so grateful to you both for helping me but I don’t want to come between you because I know how much she loves you. I can _feel_ it, so much and I’d never want to get in the way of that, not ever.’

‘Woah, woah,’ said Kiri, holding up a hand. ‘Slow down.’ She reached out and cupped her cheek tenderly. ‘You’re not getting in the way of anything, love.’ She sighed, stroking her cheek. ‘Lovely Elin.’

Elin felts warmth spreading through her chest at the soft, affectionate tone of Kiri’s voice. Her eyes were bright and full of love. She smiled at Elin.

‘It’s difficult to explain me and Niki.’ She laughed lightly. ‘Nobody understands us really but it’s like we’re one person. We’ve always wanted the same things, like we’ve always been linked. You say you can feel how much she loves me, well I can feel how much she loves you too.’

‘And you don’t mind that?’

Kiri shook her head. ‘Jealousy is about possession or insecurity. I don’t want to possess Niki. I only want to be with her and I know how much she wants to be with me too.’ She smiled. ‘And we both want to be with you.’

Elin gazed at her for a moment, then leaned forward and kissed her. Her lips were warm and firm as she kissed her back and Elin’s heart began to beat faster as she remembered the night before, the pleasure and the love the three of them had shared. She wanted to do that again. She would be happy if she spent every single night like that for the rest of her life.

She felt Niki stirring beside her. She sat up and wrapped her arms around both of them. ‘Have you two started again without me?’

Kiri broke the kiss and smiled at her. ‘We were just clearing up a few insecurities.’

Niki looked at her for a moment, then turned her attention to Elin. She combed her fingers through her hair with a gentle touch. ‘Is it all cleared up now?’

Elin gave them both a grin. ‘Yep. All cleared up now.’

Mari woke with Tora’s head resting comfortably on her chest. Her slender but strong hand rested on her belly and she was breathing slow and even in her sleep. Mari sighed contentedly and turned her head to drop a kiss into her short black hair. It was soft and silky under her hand as she cupped her head.

Her naked body was warm against her and the sheets only half-covered them. Mari kissed her head again and smiled as she thought of the night before. They’d made love, the two of them, but also with all the others. They’d felt the nerves between Niki and Elin give way to pure passion, as they’d joined with Kiri and discovered each other. They’d felt the desperate need of Teddy and Rafael to be together, their distance all too obvious with the closeness of the rest of them. Mari hadn’t been physically with Tora for very long but she already found it difficult to imagine being without her.

She smiled. But they wouldn’t have to worry about that now. They could be together whenever they wanted, for as long as they wanted. They could travel to each other’s countries, stay together or travel together. And even when they had be apart, they would visit in their minds and it wouldn’t feel like they were too far apart.

They were safe now. Anwar had a home and was falling into the routine of his new life. Elin was safe and was being looked after properly now. She’d recover with their help and, when she was well enough, she’d go to New Zealand with Niki and Kiri and they could discover what it was the three of them had together.

Alois was gone. He wasn’t one of them anymore and the seven of them were going to be much better off for it.

In her arms, Tora stirred and looked up at her. She smiled sleepily. Mari smiled back at her, thinking how soft and sweet she looked still half-asleep. She felt so privileged to see this side of Tora, the side she knew her tough, independent girlfriend never let anyone else see.

She bit her lip. Was she allowed to call her girlfriend?

Tora frowned. ‘What is it?’

‘Just thinking.’

Tora reached up and touched her cheek, tenderly stroking her skin. ‘What about?’

‘Are we … girlfriends?’

Tora chuckled. ‘I think we’ve already gone beyond that but yeah.’ She grinned widely. ‘Yes, I’ll be your girlfriend, you soppy thing.’

Mari laughed. ‘I can get soppy sometimes. Just don’t tell anyone, Cariad.’

Tora’s eyes brightened at the endearment. ‘I won’t.’ She sat up, pulling the sheet up around them and yawned. ‘What time is it?’

Mari’s stomach rumbled. ‘Breakfast time, I think.’

Tora laughed. ‘Sounds like it.’ She leaned down, ducking under the sheet and kissing Mari’s soft belly. ‘Let’s get some food sorted out then.’

Mari squirmed as a delighted warmth spread through her body. She could feel how much Tora loved her, how much pleasure she took in every inch of her body, even the squidgy bits. She wasn’t blind to them. She didn’t love her in spite of them. She just loved her, every single inch of her.

They got up, pulling on their dressing gowns before going in search of something in Mari’s little kitchen to make something for breakfast together.


	154. Chapter 154

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lateness of this update! Never fear, it is not abandoned and there is lots of story left to tell. I just had to finish another story while this one was in a good place to pause!

Elin woke to the delicious scent of baking gingerbread wafting through the apartment. She was alone in bed but she could feel that Niki was downstairs already. Kiri wasn’t with her but she guessed she’d gone out for a run. It was still quite early. Wanting to join the others downstairs, Elin got up and went for a shower.

It was Christmas Eve. Will and Riley had arrived late the night before and there hadn’t been much time to talk. Elin felt nervous about them, because she hadn’t really spent much time with either of them yet, not physically at least.

Dressed, she made her way downstairs. Niki met her at the bottom of the stairs and kissed her good morning. It was a soft, casual kiss. Elin smiled at how easy it was, how natural. For the past two weeks, the three of them had been staying here and every day, Elin felt more like herself. Every day, she felt closer and closer to Niki and Kiri.

‘Morning,’ she said. ‘What’s that delicious smell?’

Wolfgang grinned round at her from the kitchen. He, Rajan and Will were cooking there, while Kala and Riley were on the sofa, playing with the baby.

‘They’re my Christmas lebkuchen. I make them every year,’ he said. ‘Have you ever had them before?’

‘Only store-bought.’

‘You’re in for a treat,’ said Rajan. ‘Wolfie makes the most amazing lebkuchen, better than anybody in the whole world.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Raj, you’ve never had any other lebkuchen but mine.’

‘That’s where you’re wrong,’ said Rajan, triumphantly. ‘I had some in that market that time we went to Berlin together.’

‘Then I definitely don’t believe that mine are the best you’ve ever had.’

Rajan just grinned. ‘I stand by it.’

‘I can’t wait to try them,’ said Elin.

‘You won’t be disappointed,’ said Rajan, warmly.

‘You’ll have a while to wait though,’ said Will. ‘I’m trying to help but I think I’m just slowing them down.’

‘You are helping,’ said Wolfgang, making Will smile.

Elin and Niki left the men to their baking and went over to the sofa. Anika babbled and waved at them in greeting from her mama’s lap.

‘Is Kiri out on a run?’ Elin asked, as they sat down together.

‘Yeah, she should be back soon though. She went out early.’

‘Didn’t you want to go with her?’ Elin asked.

‘Nah, my ankle’s playing up this morning. I didn’t want to stress it.’

Elin smiling, snuggling up against her. ‘Maybe we could go swimming together instead later, so you still get your exercise in.’

Niki smiled back, putting her arm around her. ‘I’d like that.’

Elin glanced up and saw Riley watching them with a faint smile on her face. Elin could feel how pleased she was to see her happy. She could feel that from all of them. They only wanted her to be happy and well and she was. Every day she was getting better.

They’d already decided that they would be going to New Zealand after Christmas. The doctor had been to see her and said she was physically fine. It was only emotionally she had to recover. She was looking forward to enjoying the beautiful landscape and the fresh air of the country she had never been to, yet already understood as well as she understood Iceland. She’d spoken to her parents, telling them only that she’d made a friend she was going to stay with for a few months. Although their natural instinct was to be overprotective, because of Erik, they knew they could never stop her doing anything she wanted to do. And what she wanted to do, more than anything else, was to be with Niki and Kiri.

‘She’s doing well,’ said Wolfgang, in an undertone to Will.

Will glanced across at Elin and smiled. She was curled up against Niki’s side, with her girlfriend’s arm around her. They both kept smiling at each other, even though they were in conversation with Riley and Kala. He could feel the feelings developing between them, how strongly they cared for each other already. It reminded him of himself and Riley, and of Wolfgang and Kala. They were drawn inevitably to each other and nothing could stand in the way of that. 

He glanced at Wolfgang and Rajan. They moved in sync with each other around the kitchen, as in tune with each other as any sensate. He smiled to see that as well. He felt how much Wolfgang loved Rajan and he was so glad he had found him.

He left them to their baking, feeling he was getting in the way, despite Wolfgang telling him he wasn’t. They were an excellent team, the two of them.

He went to sit with Riley. Anika immediately started climbing across sofa and laps towards him, a big, slightly dribbly smile on her face. Kala passed him a muslin cloth.

‘She’s teething,’ she explained, apologetically.

Will didn’t mind. He took the cloth to mop up any dribble and bounced her on his lap. He could feel her too, just a vague presence. He had done ever since he’d first met her. He was certain she was sensate but there was still so much about how all this worked that they didn’t understand. Perhaps she would find her cluster at a similar age as they had, or a lot younger, or older. Perhaps she would remain unborn forever and never find her cluster.

He hoped that she would, that she could know the wonderous shared joy they experienced with each other. It was strange to imagine that, whoever they were, Anika’s cluster were already born, already living their lives. He wondered what kind of lives they had. Did any of the rest of them have sensate parents? Were they all safe? Were they all as loved as Anika was?

He became aware of Riley watching him. He could feel her love for him, and her pride in him. She liked seeing him bounce Anika on his knee. She liked seeing him make the baby laugh and feel loved. But there was a sadness there too, an ache inside her. He hated that. He wanted to fix it. That was all he wanted to do, to make those he cared about feel happy. His protective instincts were strong and they always had been. Why else did his cluster refer to him as their mom? It was in his nature and he couldn’t help it.

But there was nothing he could do to stop Riley feeling that sadness. Maybe it was something she would always feel, that ever-present ache of loss inside her. Maybe that was something he couldn’t fix.

He glanced up and met her gaze. She looked back at him for a moment, then frowned and looked away. Will sighed and hugged Anika to him, even as she batted enthusiastically at his face. He may not ever have his own child, and he could accept that, because he had family. He smiled. A lot of family.


	155. Chapter 155

O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,  
wie treu sind deine Blätter!  
Du grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,  
Nein auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.  
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,  
wie treu sind deine Blätter!

Wolfgang stood by their little Christmas tree, with his daughter balanced on his hip and sung the song in a low voice. But it wasn’t low enough. Oma came up next to him, put her arm around him and joined in the song. Felix joined in and nobody could fail to hear Felix. A few seconds alter everyone was gathered around the tree, joining in with the song. Out of everybody, only Rajan and Kiri weren’t fluent in German but they joined in with the words they knew.

He thought back on the day. It had been a day of cooking and baking, preparing food for this evening and the next day. Oma had brought some stollen over and a big pot of Linsensuppe for their Christmas Eve supper. He and Rajan had made Kartoffelsalat and enough crusty white rolls to go around, as well as the lebkuchen.

Wolfgang loved how, as a household, they’d made their own traditions and followed their own celebrations, a mix of their backgrounds. It was probably helped by the fact that he wasn’t religious but he enjoyed the traditions of Christmas. They reminded him of the happy times of his childhood, though they were few and far between. He remembered one or two Christmases with his mama and Oma, when his father had been in prison. And he remembered a lot more with Felix’s family, who had always welcomed him.

As the song ended and everybody dispersed back to their seats, Rajan slipped his arm around Wolfgang’s waist and Kala stood up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

‘Frohe Weihnachten,’ she murmured.

‘You know,’ said Rajan, smiling. ‘This is also an anniversary for us.’

Wolfgang transferred Anika to his other hip so he could look at his ring. It was a year ago that they’d first given it to him, a year since they’d officially asked him to be their husband. It meant so much to him that they’d gone as official as they could with what they all already knew; that he was theirs and they were his.

He smiled. ‘I hope my second year as your husband isn’t quite as eventful as the first.’

Rajan kissed him. ‘Oh, I think this next year will be a lot more peaceful.’ He laughed. ‘Well, at least until this little lady officially becomes a toddler.’

Wolfgang dropped a kiss on the top of Anika’s head. She snuggled into him, leaving a little wet patch on his shirt. He wiped the dribble from her chin. ‘She’s definitely teething.’

‘I think it’s supper time,’ called Oma.

They glanced over. She was in the kitchen, stirring her soup, which was steaming hot. Everybody agreed with that and they all started to set the table, fetch drinks and get out the plates and the bowls. They’d pushed their two tables together to fit everybody in and there was a lot of hustle and bustle as the seven guests all pitched in to help.

A few minutes later, they were all sitting around the table, tucking into supper. Wolfgang glanced around at them all. Rajan and Kala were either side of him. Rajan was dunking grabbable chunks of bread into Anika’s soup for her, so she could feed herself. Kala was already eating her soup, making soft noises of appreciation as she tried it.

Will was a little bit wary, because he’d never had lentil soup before and Wolfgang couldn’t help but chuckle to himself at his suspicious face as he tentatively brought his first spoonful to his lips. But with his first mouthful, the suspicion went and Wolfgang could feel that he liked it. Riley was dipping her bread in and seemed happy enough, but she kept glancing across at Anika and he could feel there were lots of thoughts in her head, though she wasn’t sharing them.

Oma was dishing up extras for Felix, even though he’d barely started to eat and Wolfgang laughed as he caught a few of her bossy urgings that he needed to make sure he ate properly. ‘Frozen pizza every night is not enough nutrition for you.’

Felix complained but Wolfgang knew he liked it really, as he couldn’t keep the affectionate smile off his face.

Niki, Kiri and Elin were a little group, the three of them already engaged in conversation with each other. He noticed the rapt attention Elin gave Kiri when she talked in her calm steady voice, and he noticed the way Niki couldn’t help herself from giving Elin little touches, whether it was brushing her thumb across her cheek, letting her hand rest at the small of her back or letting the golden strands of her hair run through her fingers. It was like she was trying to remind herself that Elin really was there with them.

He felt that Elin was already coming to rely on Niki and Kiri to keep herself grounded. He understood that. It was how he felt about Kala and Rajan. They were the ones who reminded him he was safe, that he could trust his surroundings. She was learning that too, beginning to feel safe again. He hoped nothing ever happened to take that away from her again.

He was determined that this year was going to be better. Good things were planned. There was the other cluster’s birthday in late January and they were already floating the idea of all meeting in person. There was Anika’s first birthday in April and Kala had already said she wanted a party, with their families and both clusters all there. Wolfgang thought it was a good idea. He wanted to meet Nomi’s kids in person and he wanted everybody to meet Anika. Lito had announced he and Hernando were planning to have their wedding in late August and they were going home to Mexico City for it. Wolfgang smiled. If he knew Lito, and he did, it was going to be a grand affair and well worth the trip.

He nodded to himself as he started tucking into Oma’s delicious Linsensuppe. Yes, it was going to be a good year. They had absolutely nothing to worry about. 

Alois looked out of the window at the slowly falling snow. The landscape looked like a Christmas card but it didn’t move him. He didn’t care about Christmas and had refused to go to see his parents this year. He had more important things to do.

The facility was secure and he was reassured by that. But he knew his cluster, or that _other_ one, wouldn’t look for him yet. If ever. In fact, they had made it perfectly clear that he was no longer one of them.

Alois would like to say he didn’t care, but the anger burning inside him was raging too hard to be ignored. They would regret this.

They didn’t understand. They were weak and foolish. Didn’t they see what an opportunity they had? He knew they didn’t. He knew they weren’t capable of seeing the possibilities.

But they didn’t need to. He was going to make sure everything was taken care of. They were not going to stop him carrying out his plan. There was no one to stop him. He laughed to himself as he shut the blinds and started to get undressed for bed. They didn’t even realise what he had done. What he was going to do.


	156. Chapter 156

Once Christmas was over, the Rasal household fell into an easy routine. Niki and Kiri took Elin back to New Zealand in January and Will and Riley went home, reassured that Elin was being looked after and recovering. Once again, Wolfgang was spending his days with his daughter. The mothers at Music Bugs seemed to have missed him and they fussed over him a great deal when he first went back.

He loved to see how pleased Anika always was to see Oma, when they went to visit on Wednesdays. She squealed with delight and reached out for her. More and more, her babbles were beginning to sound deliberate. She could definitely say Oma, and Mama, though sometimes she got them mixed up. She was starting to say Papa too, except it came out more like Baba. That made Anwar smile and the boys would repeat it eagerly to her, which made her use it more and more. Rajan didn’t seem to mind, though everybody else always said Papa to refer to him. She hadn’t yet got the hang of the V sound in Vati so her name for him at the moment was just ‘ti’, which he definitely didn’t mind.

The only thing that was different was that Wolfgang hadn’t gone back to therapy. He wanted to see how he did without it for a little while. He was now pretty sure that the nightmares he’d been having hadn’t been memories at all, but something of what Elin had been feeling during her captivity. Even though he hadn’t been connected to her then, it felt like that was what it was. And he had been connected to people she had been connected with. He supposed it had come through Will and that he was just particularly sensitive to the feelings she’d been experiencing.

During the time when he used to have his therapy, he would work out. He’d go for a run, then a kickboxing session and then a swim. It kept him fit and it gave him somewhere to put his feelings. He was pleased with how he was doing. He was back to his happy life, with his family and his friends.

Anika was growing so quickly and, by the time spring arrived, she was looking much more like a young toddler and less like a baby. Wolfgang loved to watch her playing or interacting with them. The slightest change of expression made her look exactly like him one moment and Kala the next. Or some detail would remind him of Oma, or of his Mama. One thing he was particularly delighted with was that sometimes she even looked a little like Rajan. When she laughed, it was exactly with Rajan’s delighted smile.

It was a Sunday towards the end of March and the four of them were just relaxing at home after a busy weekend. Wolfgang was sitting on the floor with her, helping her build a tower and Rajan was across the room, putting away a different set of blocks she’d been playing with. Kala was curled up on the sofa reading a book and giving them little smiling glances whenever she turned the page.

Suddenly, Anika just pulled herself on Wolfgang’s knee, sticking her bum in the air as she found her balance. Wolfgang was just about to reach out a hand to steady her, when she stood straight and toddled straight over to Rajan, a frown of concentration on her face that was exactly like Wolfgang’s.

Rajan’s mouth dropped open in surprise. ‘Ani! You’re walking.’

She just frowned at him and took the red block out of his hands before turning back towards her tower next to Wolfgang.

Rajan reached for her, about to lift her up to celebrate her first proper steps but she batted him away and toddled back to her tower with the red block. She clearly just wanted to get on with building her tower.

Kala laughed in disbelief. ‘Did that really just happen?’

‘I guess there’s no stopping her now,’ said Wolfgang.

‘I have a feeling we’re going to have to up our game a little to keep up with her.’ He grinned. ‘Good thing we’re not outnumbered, isn’t it?’

Wolfgang grinned around at the cluster, who had been drawn to them by the wonder they’d felt from himself and Kala. ‘No, we’re definitely not outnumbered.’

‘Everybody’s coming to Anika’s party, right?’ asked Rajan, catching on that the cluster were there.’

‘Yeah, they’re coming,’ said Wolfgang.

‘Oh, Neets and I have decided we’d better rent somewhere nearby if that’s okay,’ said Nomi. ‘Just because the kids might need some space.’

‘Sure.’ Wolfgang glanced at Rajan. ‘Nomi says they’re going to rent a place nearby because of the kids.’

‘Ooh,’ said Rajan, getting out his phone. ‘I know the perfect place just round the corner.’

Wolfgang smiled and leaned back against the sofa. Kala’s hand landed in his hair and started playing with it, her long fingers combing through the short fine strands. Normally, he’d close his eyes when she did this, because it felt so good, but he was enjoying watching his family. Rajan was now absorbed with finding the perfect place for Nomi and Amanita to stay and the group chat was going crazy between him and Amanita exchanging messages and Riley popping in with a few suggestions. Though she kept forgetting that Rajan couldn’t hear her though so Wolfgang and Kala heard what she was trying to tell him, before she’d swear and type it into her phone.

In front of Wolfgang, Anika was still completely absorbed by building her tower. It was getting quite tall and she was now standing, remarkably steadily, to add more blocks. It started to wobble. He was just wondering whether she would be upset when it inevitably toppled over, when she stuck out her little arm and hit the tower hard. It crashed to the floor, blocks scattering everywhere.

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Good punch, Ani!’

She beamed at him, then plonked her bum down and started building all over again.

He felt Kala shift behind him and the next moment, she was sliding her legs down either side of him and leaning over to hug him. She put her mouth close to his ear. Her breath was hot on his skin and she kissed his neck before she spoke, sending warmth through his body.

‘I’m not sure we’re supposed to encourage violence,’ she said.

He glanced at her, keeping his expression serious. ‘Knowing how to punch and _when_ is a vital skill I intend to teach our daughter.’ He pondered. ‘How early is too early to teach self-defence?’

‘Seeing as she’s your daughter she’ll probably be a prodigy,’ Kala said, softly.

He glanced up and met Sun’s calm gaze. ‘What do you think?’

‘Three should be old enough. When she can take instruction.’

He laughed. ‘Well, seeing as she is my daughter, that might be a while.’

‘Taekwando or Hapkido would teach her discipline. How to use her strength and when not to.’ She paused and smiled a little. ‘That one might be the hardest lesson.’

He nodded. ‘It is for me.’

He reached out and touched his daughter’s soft black hair. It wasn’t yet long enough to swing when she moved her head but it wouldn’t be long before it was. Before she’d been born, he’d thought that that fear he’d had, that he would fail her, was supposed to go away. But he knew now it wouldn’t. That fear was something he was supposed to have, something that would help him keep her safe. It was his job to teach her how to navigate the world, so that she would stay safe, be happy and healthy, as Capheus would say.

Will was next to him suddenly, sitting beside him. His arm brushed Wolfgang’s, his skin warm and soft. ‘It’s all of our jobs to do that for her,’ he said. He smiled. ‘She’s got a big family to keep her safe.’

Wolfgang nodded. She had one of the biggest families of any kid and every single member of it would look after her no matter what. And they were all coming to celebrate her first year of life. He grinned. It was going to be the best party. 


	157. Chapter 157

Elin could feel Niki’s soft, hot mouth on her, kissing and licking between her legs. Her mid-length brown hair fell from behind her ears, tickling Elin’s inner thigh. At the same time, she could feel Kiri’s hand on Niki, one fingertip fluttering across her clit as her other fingers dip in and out of her wetness.

The room was filled with the soft sounds of their pleasure; sighs, whimpers and soft cries mingled together as they shared their pleasure with each other. Elin turned her head and captured Kiri’s mouth in a kiss. She could feel Niki in the kiss too, although her mouth was still busy elsewhere. It didn’t seem to matter that they were three separate people. In bed, their bodies and minds were one and each other’s pleasure was all that mattered.

Elin slid her hands down Kiri’s body, cupping her small, pert breasts, caressing her tight stomach before dipping lower and finding that place that makes Kiri whimper into her mouth.

Her other hand reached for Niki’s head, fingers playing through her wavy brown hair as she felt her legs begin to tremble. She wanted them all to be connected, as they seemed to be whenever they made love.

Together, their movements become more frenetic as they began to feel the trembling of their bodies. Elin could feel Niki’s in her mind and Kiri’s against her body. She could feel the pulsing of her clit beneath her fingertips.

As their orgasms took over them and their bodies clenched and writhed together, Elin could feel their pleasure ricocheting through the cluster and she knew they all felt it, although they were all doing different things now.

The three of them collapsed together in post-coital haze of pleasure. They tangled together, sweaty and breathless, and exchanged slow, leisurely kisses. It was late and, in a few moments, they would get ready for sleep but, for the moment, they just wanted to enjoy this moment. Elin closed her eyes and just felt the presence of her lovers around her. They could talk to each other, here in the quiet privacy of their bedroom but they didn’t need to. Elin knew they already understood her.

Kiri kissed her cheek and Elin could feel her smile against her skin. Elin knew how much she loved giving them both pleasure. Niki put her arm around both of them at once … h _ow does she do that? …_ and tucked them in close. Elin could think of nowhere better to be than in Niki’s strong arms. There, she felt like nothing could ever harm her.

As they lay there, just enjoying each other, Elin’s mind drifted back to just before they’d come to New Zealand. They’d gone to Cardiff and met in person with the rest of their cluster for the first time. Everyone except Alois had been there. She had worried it would feel strange to be without him. After all, they were one cluster. But it hadn’t. It had felt so good to be with her cluster, the ones who had fought for her, the ones who would never hurt her.

They’d danced together, to the perfect music that Mari had chosen. She always knew what music was needed at any given moment. Elin had, for the first time in a long time, felt able to just lose herself in her feelings, not fearing anything because she had known that her cluster would be there to protect her. She was always going to have them.

If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea,

I'll sail the world to find you

If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see,

I'll be the light to guide you

Find out what we're made of

When we are called to help our friends in need

In the hotel afterwards, they had gone to their separate rooms in their couples, or triads in Niki, Elin and Kiri’s cases, or alone in Anwar’s. But they had all been together in their minds, exchanging loving kisses and arousing touches. Nothing had separated them and they had been one. Nothing was ever going to separate them again.

Teddy woke alone in the room he shared with his brother, who was already at school. He glanced at his alarm clock and saw that it was nearly eleven. He’d been on a late shift the night before and he still felt tired. But he knew he needed to get up. Lying in bed all day wouldn’t help him feel any better.

‘What’s wrong?’ murmured Rafael, placing a gentle kiss on his neck, just below his ear. Teddy closed his eyes and just focused on the feel of him. His breath was warm against his skin and his lips were soft. But the knowledge that he wasn’t _really_ there spoiled it. He was an ocean away.

‘Amor mio, what is it?’ Rafael asked, nudging insistently against him.

Teddy opened his eyes and shifted slightly to look at Rafael. He was lying there beside him, as real as anything. His greenish brown eyes were bright and he was smiling slightly, showing off his clean white teeth. Teddy reached for him, sliding a hand across his bare chest. It was firm with muscle and beautifully sculpted. Rafael put a lot of effort into keeping himself in shape.

‘I know I should be grateful that we can still see each other, can see feel each other when we’re apart but …’

‘It’s not the same,’ said Rafael.

Teddy nodded. He knew Rafael understood. When they’d had that real, in person experience, just visiting was nothing like the intensity of being together physically and mentally at the same time. It just couldn’t compare.

Rafael leaned into him and kissed him. Teddy could feel the roughness of his beard against his cheek. He reached up to touch it, scraping his fingertips across the scratchy but artfully shaped stubble. It _was_ intense, just not as intense as it had been when they were together in person.

Their birthday party, when all of them had been together in person for real, had been one of the best times of his entire life. Laughing, dancing, having fun with these people who meant so much to him. Being kissed on the dancefloor and not worrying who was watching.

If you tossin' and you're turnin' and you just can't fall asleep

I'll sing a song

Beside you

And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me

Everyday I will

Remind you

Rafael had asked him again to come and stay but Teddy was still resisting. He knew the kind of life Rafael led in L.A.. It was nothing like his own life and Teddy could only feel that he didn’t belong.

Rafael pressed further into the kiss, rolling on top of him. Teddy slid his hands down to his hip, pulling him in as Rafi broke the kiss to nibble lightly at his jaw. He felt a wave of arousal wash over them both and he smiled a little as he realised where it was coming from. Niki and Elin. He loved them both and he loved that they were together now but he couldn’t help but feel jealous of them at the same time, and of Mari and Tora who were still together in Cardiff for the moment.

Rafael looked at him, his eyes intense and his expression serious. ‘Forget about what we don’t have,’ he said, his voice low and husky. ‘Remember what we do have.’ 

He held Teddy’s gaze for a moment, then he was pushing against him and there was nothing between their bodies or their minds, not even Teddy’s self-doubt. 


	158. Chapter 158

‘I don’t want you to go home,’ said Mari, her head resting on Tora’s shoulder.

Tora fingers trailed patterns on her bare skin. ‘I’ll be back. Or you could come to stay with me next time.’

Mari looked up at her and smiled. ‘I’d like that. It’s been amazing being with you for real. It’s been the best birthday ever, all of us together.’

‘Not all of us,’ said Tora, with a sigh.

Mari bit her lip and felt her hand start to shake and tap. ‘There’s just seven of us now,’ she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

Tora sighed again, her hot breath tickling Mari’s cheek. ‘I don’t think it’s as simple as that. He will be back.’

Mari pushed herself up on one arm so she could look into Tora’s serious dark eyes. ‘You think so.’

Tora’s brow furrowed slightly. ‘I think that, whatever he was doing with Elin, he wasn’t finished. If he was, he would have got rid of her, or sent her back to us. But we had to fight to get her. I don’t think he was done with her.’

‘What can we do?’

Tora shrugged. ‘Just keep our eye on Elin, I suppose, make sure he isn’t in communication with her again, persuading her of things which aren’t true. She’s safer now, with Niki and Kiri with her physically but we all need to take care of her. She’s vulnerable and I think Alois is the type of person to take advantage of that.’

Mari reached up and traced Tora’s cheek with gentle fingers. ‘I love how much you care. You don’t show it much but I can feel it.’

‘I don’t trust him. I feel like he’s capable of almost anything.’

‘I know. I just wish we’d seen it before or listened to Niki earlier.’

‘There’s no point recriminating ourselves now. We did the best we could with the information we had at the time. All we can do now is do better in future. And that means protecting Elin.’

Mari nodded. Then she cupped Tora’s cheek and leaned in to kiss her tenderly on her mouth. ‘I love you,’ she whispered against her lips.

Tora smiled, reaching up to twirl her fingers through Mari’s long dark hair. ‘I love you too.’

They kissed again, pulling each other close. As Tora pressed forward, rolling on top of Mari and beginning to kiss her way down her throat and her chest, Mari could feel the rest of their cluster with them. Just the way they had been the night of their birthday, with the music still pulsing through their bodies. They all loved each other, so much. They shared everything; they shared pain, pleasure, grief and ecstasy. She was determined nothing was going to come between them ever again. They might have lost one member of their cluster but what was left behind was stronger than ever.

Find out what we're made of  
When we are called to help our friends in need

You can count on me like one two three  
I'll be there  
And I know when I need it I can count on you like four three two  
You'll be there  
'Cause that's what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah

Anwar watched his boys as they played together. They were coming on so well now. They were secure and happy, safe in their new home. He could feel the rest of his cluster, all with the people they loved in some form or another.

Sometimes he felt sad that he did not have a partner but he knew it was too soon. His wife was dead and nothing could bring her back. The grief he felt for her made him ache, every moment. He knew one day, he would allow himself to fall in love again but not yet. Not now.

He thought of Alois. They were still in his house and he wasn’t sure whether he should leave or not. But someone needed to look after the place and they needed a secure place to live. Staying here was the most logical thing to do.

He was glad Wolfgang, Kala and Rajan were close by. They had become his friends and it made him feel more like Paris really was his home now. His boys even seemed to have conquered the language. It helped that he’d been able to speak it to them, thanks to his cluster. Thanks to Alois really. It was strange knowing that some of the skills they had came from him, even though he was no longer there.

Some part of Anwar felt that he would be back. Alois was clever and determined and Anwar knew that he had not yet achieved what he wanted to achieve, whatever that was. The others expected him to have more insight into the man than they did, because they’d lived together, but Alois hid so much it was difficult to read him. He was too good at projecting that calm, in control image. Even with the psychic link they had, he was too good at showing them the image he wanted them to see. Even now that Anwar knew that, he still wasn’t sure he wouldn’t be fooled by it again. He wanted so much to believe that Alois could be one of them, could love them like they all loved each other. But maybe he really was a lost cause.

As Anwar sat back and watched his boys play, he heard the echo of a song in his head from somebody, probably Mari. He smiled. It was one of the songs she’d had played at their birthday celebration. As he listened to it inside his own head, it made him feel warm. Whatever happened, he had his cluster now and no one could take that away from him.

You'll always have my shoulder when you cry  
I'll never let go  
Never say goodbye  
You know you can

Count on me like one two three  
I'll be there  
And I know when I need it I can count on you like four three two  
And you'll be there  
'Cause that's what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah

Alois heard the song too but he kept himself distant from it. He did not want to connect with them properly. He did not want them to know he was listening.

He had felt them celebrate each other. He felt them love each other. It didn’t make him feel jealous. What need did he have of those relationships? Being close with people he had nothing in common with, no reason to respect or like, didn’t interest him. What were they to him? Nothing.

No, not nothing. They were something he could use. He needed to understand properly what was happening to him. That voice sometimes told him interesting things but he wasn’t sure he believed it yet. He didn’t trust it. He didn’t even know where it had come from. Nor did he know, not yet, how he could use it.

But he would find out. He would do the using here. Nobody else. 

You can count on me like one two three  
I'll be there

Alois smiled. His cluster didn’t know it yet but they could count on him. They could count on him to always be there with them.


	159. Chapter 159

Wolfgang woke to the feeling that he was being called but the flat was quiet and it felt like everybody was still asleep. Rajan and Kala were both still asleep beside him. He smiled, got up and pulled on joggers and a t-shirt before heading through to the nursery. His daughter needed him.

Anika was in her cot, struggling to stand up in her sleeping bag and wide awake. She beamed at him.

‘Vati!’ she said, like she’d been expecting him.

‘Guten morgen, Mäuslein,’ he said, reaching for her. He unzipped her sleeping bag and lifted her up into his arms. ‘Alles Gute zum Geburtstag. You’re one today.’

She gurgled happily and giggled as he kissed her. ‘Come on, let’s get you some breakfast while the house is still a little bit quiet.’

He changed her diaper but kept her in her pyjamas. She would only get food on her clothes if he got her dressed now. No matter what bib they used or how well they tucked it in, she always managed to get food on her.

He popped her in her highchair and went to make her scrambled eggs on brown toast, her favourite breakfast. As he did, he chatted to her, to keep her happy and occupied. She babbled back at him, with the occasional real word mixed in. Mostly it was ‘mama’ or ‘vati’ or ‘papa’ but she also knew ‘eggy’, ‘yay’ and ‘yummy’. She kept repeating the last word in particular, because it was her current favourite way of saying she was hungry.

He had learned to be quick in preparing her food because she did not like to be kept waiting for it. The bit that took the longest was getting it to cool down enough for her but he managed to get it to her before she started fussing.

He was sitting at the table with her, eating some toast of his own and talking to her, when the front door opened. He jumped, startled, then felt Will.

‘Sorry,’ Will said, thickly. ‘Didn’t mean to make you jump.’

Wolfgang glanced round at him and frowned. He didn’t look particularly happy. He was in running clothes and the sheen of sweat on his skin told Wolfgang he’d been out for a run but it didn’t look like it had made him feel good at all. There was a deep frown on his face and his gaze skirted away from Wolfgang. His shoulders looked tense and his hands had balled into fists.

As well as what he looked like, Wolfgang could feel his tension, as a mix of feelings swirled inside him.

‘You all right?’ he asked, more as an invitation to talk than an actual inquiry since he already knew the answer.

Will sighed heavily. ‘A lot on my mind.’

Wolfgang gave him a smile. ‘You should talk about it. Ani and I will listen, won’t we, Mäuslein?’

Anika gurled happily around her mouthful of toast.

Will smiled and a little of the tension melted away, but then the frown came back. ‘I should have been there with you all when she was born.’

‘We can cope without you now and then,’ said Wolfgang, keeping his voice light.

‘That’s not what you were saying at the time. I think you wanted to punch me.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I didn’t know what was happening. Will, I think giving birth yourself is a valid excuse to not be there for Kala’s.’

Will smiled a little ruefully. He came to sit down next to Wolfgang and was quiet for a little while. Wolfgang watched him, while keeping an eye on Anika in case she choked on the toast she was shoving into her mouth.

He laughed. ‘Good thing your mama isn’t here to see your table manners.’

Anika beamed at him but kept most of her focus on her food.

‘I sometimes think …’ Will started, then stopped again.

Wolfgang just waited for him to continue, knowing the last thing his friend needed was too much pressure just now, whatever was bothering him.

‘I sometimes wonder if it would have been better if I’d never given birth.’

‘I’m not sure you had a choice, Will.’

Will shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Angelica considered not letting us be born.’

‘And she decided to let it happen, didn’t she? She decided we were better together, whatever happened to us.’

‘It’s like … like I gave a deadly weapon to a serial killer and pointed him at some new victims. All this stuff that happened to Elin, if I hadn’t given birth to the cluster, it would never have happened.’

‘And she’d never have met Niki and Kiri. She wouldn’t be happy and loved in New Zealand right now. Mari and Tora wouldn’t have found understanding in each other. Teddy and Rafael would still be lonely and looking for any sort of connection. And Anwar would probably have been sent back to Syria. Maybe he’d have even been killed and his boys would be on their own.’

Will sat silently and listened. Wolfgang fell silent, realising that was a lot more words than he usually said at once. But it needed saying.

Will looked at him, swallowing hard. ‘Do you think it’ll be all right?’

Wolfgang clenched his jaw, just thinking for a moment. ‘I think … we don’t know if it will be all right. We don’t know what will happen. But I think we’re all better together.’

Will didn’t reply and, after a moment, Anika started fussing to get down. Wolfgang got up to deal with her, freeing her from the highchair, getting her bib off and wiping her clean. ‘I’d better get her dressed.’ He looked at Will. ‘Maybe you should go shower.’ He grinned. ‘Take Riley with you. I’m sure she’ll soon help you feel better.’

Will smiled a little, then nodded. He took a deep breath, then headed upstairs to the bedroom he was staying in with Riley. Wolfgang felt that she was waking up and feeling in the bed for her boyfriend.

As Wolfgang took his daughter and headed up to his spouses, he felt they were waking too and he hurried up. This was going to be a moment for the four of them, to celebrate their daughter and give her her very first birthday present. He was worried about Will but he was also confident that he would be well looked after. Not just by Riley, or himself, but by the whole cluster. They were better together.


	160. Chapter 160

Wolfgang made a detour back to the nursery to get Anika dressed. Thanks to the food he’d chosen, she hadn’t got too messy so he just had to wash her face, brush her hair and get her dressed.

They’d bought her a red and blue saree, with gold detailing. It was her first saree and she looked adorable in it. Kala’s parents had chosen it and they’d done a wonderful job of finding something beautiful and comfortable.

Dressed in her saree but with her feet bare to help her walking, he led her through to their bedroom. She loved to walk, whenever she could, although she still needed to hold onto somebody. He liked to walk behind her, holding both her hands, though Rajan and Kala both preferred to walk beside her holding just one hand.

When she saw Kala and Rajan, who were sitting on the bed waiting for her, she squealed in delight. ‘Mamamama,’ she said. ‘Pap-pap.’

Kala leaned down to pick her up. ‘Hello, my darling! Happy birthday! You’re one today.’

‘Oh, Ani, don’t you look beautiful in your first saree!’ Rajan exclaimed.

She giggled with delight as Kala and Rajan hugged her and fussed over her as they wished her a happy birthday. Wolfgang smiled as he watched the scene. She was such a happy child, completely secure and convinced of the world’s love for her. He hoped with all his strength that she never felt any different. But he did know for certain that, whatever happened, she would always know her parents and their whole weird, blended and slightly confusing family loved her.

Anika’s presents were wrapped and ready waiting for her next to the bed. As Kala settled her on the bed in front of her, Wolfgang went to fetch the first present. They’d got her quite a few toys but they knew, at one year old, her stamina wasn’t going to stretch to opening them all in one session.

Wolfgang set the first present on the bed in front of their daughter. Rajan got the camera out and Kala helped her unwrap a shape sorter, then a doll’s stroller and a doll, then a musical piano toy which Wolfgang was sure they were going to regret fairly quickly.

Then they had one very important present to give her. She probably wouldn’t appreciate it yet but she would as she got older.

Rajan fetched the small present from his nightstand. They hadn’t wrapped it as it came in a little velvet pouch. Wolfgang perched on the edge of the bed as Rajan carefully took the gold bracelet out of the pouch and showed it to her. It was a charm bracelet, designed to extend as she grew and it was just for special occasions until she was older. Each year they would add a charm to it.

Rajan traced the shape of the charm with a delicate finger. It was the letter A, for her name and, as he fastened it around her wrist, she gazed at it, most likely fascinated by the way it twinkled in the light.

Wolfgang smiled at Rajan. ‘You made a perfect choice.’

Rajan beamed with pride.

‘It’s so pretty,’ said Kala. She stroked the gold chain where it lay against her daughter’s tiny little wrist.

Wolfgang shifted up the bed next to Kala, wanting to be closer to his spouses. ‘Can you believe we actually made it through her first year?’

Rajan put his arm around both their shoulders. ‘I never had any doubt.’

Wolfgang gave him a look. ‘That’s because you’re the optimistic one.’

‘I’m a realist. You’re just pessimistic,’ said Rajan, with a gentle smile to show he was teasing.

‘I think we’re actually pretty good at this,’ said Kala. ‘And I didn’t expect to be. I thought that, because I wasn’t someone who desperately wanted children, that I wasn’t maternal. But it felt like it came pretty naturally really.’ She smiled at them. ‘And we all worked together.’

They smiled back at her and the three of them watched Annika quietly, as she crinkled the sparkly wrapping paper in her chubby little fingers and giggled.

‘Do you ever think …’ Wolfgang found himself saying. ‘About having another?’

He felt his spouses both look at him in surprise and he smiled. ‘I’d like another.’

‘So would I,’ said Rajan.

Kala smiled. ‘Yeah. Me too. But let’s give it another year or two, shall we? I don’t want to be pregnant while Annika has her terrible twos!’

They both laughed and, in unison, kissed her temples. Then Rajan stroked Annika’s hair tenderly.

‘Oh, my princess, be good to your parents, will you. Not too many tantrums.’

‘Depends whether she’s inherited our stubborn streak or not,’ said Wolfgang, grinning. He smirked at Kala and nudged her. ‘Or your ...’

Kala raised an eyebrow. ‘Be very careful, Wolfgang,’ she said.

Wolfgang flashed her one of his charming grins. ‘Your passion,’ he finished.

She narrowed her eyes but she couldn’t stop her grin. Wolfgang just laughed. He stood up and scooped Annika up. ‘Come on, Mäuslein, I think everybody else is getting up and it’s party time!’

Anwar woke to find himself not alone. He smiled. His cluster was with him. He immediately felt that they had been waiting for him to wake. For most of them, it was getting towards evening. It was morning for only for him and Teddy. It would have been for Mari as well but, not wanting to be separated from Tora, she had gone back to Tokyo with her to stay for a little while. Anwar could see them curled up together in Tora’s flat, with their dogs at their feet.

‘I suppose it is our anniversary,’ said Anwar.

‘Things change so fast in a year, don’t they?’ said Rafael. He glanced at Teddy.

Teddy leaned against him, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He’d just finished a nightshift. ‘The more things change, the more they stay the same,’ he said.

‘It was so confusing at first, wasn’t it,’ said Niki.

‘It was so overwhelming,’ said Mari. ‘The noise of all of you all at once! I’ve never stimmed so much in my life.’

Tora smiled, tracing a finger across her cheek. ‘We get you doing happy stimming now.’

‘I thought I was going mad at first,’ said Elin, with a slight smile. But then she frowned, looking down at her clasped hands. ‘Maybe that’s why _he_ was able to convince me I couldn’t trust what I saw. I should’ve been stronger, trusted the rest of you.’ 

Niki slid her arm around her waist and hugged her. ‘It wasn’t your fault, love. There’s nothing wrong with having a trusting nature. He took advantage of that.’ She glanced around at the rest of them. ‘He had us all fooled for a while.’

Elin didn’t reply, just leaned into the hug. They all felt the hurt she still had inside her, the trauma and damage he’d inflicted on her. None of them knew whether she’d ever really be over it. But she wasn’t alone now and she was always going to be surrounded by love. She was one of them and they would protect her.

‘The others are all happy,’ said Rafael. ‘It’s Anika’s birthday today.’ He glanced at Anwar. ‘Are you going?’

Anwar grinned. ‘I can’t deprive my boys of Rajan’s homemade birthday cake.’

‘We’ll visit too,’ said Teddy, yawning. ‘Even though I’m exhausted.’

Mari poked Anwar lightly in the ribs. ‘Just make sure you get a piece of that cake. I want to try it.’

Anwar laughed. ‘I will. I promise.’

‘We have to work out how to live our lives now,’ Tora said. She looked around at them all. ‘Because everything is different now.’ She met Mari’s eyes, just briefly, then they nuzzled into each other. ‘We love each other and we want to be together, all of us, but we have things going on in our own lives as well.’

They were all silent for a moment, all thinking about the various things in their lives that they’d put on hold. Teddy was worrying about his brother’s criminal activities; Rafael knew he had to deal with his sister’s addictions. Niki had a new rugby season approaching, while she was doing her best to help Elin get better. Tora and Mari both had work projects to be getting on with, and Anwar was starting to feel uncomfortable staying in Alois’s house. He wanted to sort out his own life for his boys, unconnected with that man. He also kept thinking about Rasha and Norah, hoping that one day he might be able to find them and help them again. And Elin’s dreams were a mix of Alois and her brother, the fear and longing mixing in her unconscious mind in a way that left them all unsettled.

‘Whatever happens,’ said Rafael, putting out his hand. ‘We’re all in it together.’

Teddy put his hand on Rafi’s, then Anwar did, then Mari and Tora. Niki and Elin looked at each other and smiled.

‘Shared soul,’ they whispered to each other, then joined their hands with the others. That’s what they were and they didn’t need Alois to be one cluster. All they needed from _him_ was to stay away from them.


	161. Chapter 161

As well as Will and Riley, Sun, Kwan-Ho, Capheus and Zakia were staying in the apartment with them. Nomi and Amanita were in an apartment a few blocks down with the kids, which Rajan had helped them find. Whereas, Lito, Hernando and Dani had gone for a luxurious suite in a nearby hotel. They were all coming over, along with Oma, Felix and Anwar and his boys. Also attending for the birthday tea were a couple of mums and their babies that Wolfgang knew from Music Bugs and a friend Rajan had made at the park whose little boy had turned one a few weeks ago.

Anika hadn’t yet met Capheus or Sun, as she’d been asleep when their flights had got in late the night before. Wolfgang carried her downstairs, with Rajan and Kala following, curious to see what she’d think of them. He knew she liked people more than he did. In fact she was quite the social butterfly.

As soon as they got downstairs, Anika started to wriggle to get down, so he stood her up in front of him, held her hands and let her lead him across the room.

Capheus, Zakia and Kwan-Ho were sitting on the sofa chatting. Sun wasn’t there but Wolfgang felt her calm and he knew she was doing her workout on the roof. She’d be down soon.

Capheus got up as he heard them coming and one of his wide smiles spread across his face. Wolfgang couldn’t help but smile back; Capheus’s smiles were infectious like that. Anika clearly thought so too because she immediately made a beeline for him. He took a step towards her.

‘Hello, little one,’ he said, in Swahili.

Anika squealed with delight, pulled her hands free of Wolfgang’s grip and ran to Capheus. As she reached him, she held her hands up to him and said, in very clear German, ‘Up!’

Capheus laughed delightedly and bent to pick her up. Wolfgang watched with a soft smile. Capheus held her so gently and his expression was so tender as he gazed at her. For her part, Anika was delighted with him. She patted his smooth cheek, seemingly interested in his lack of beard.

‘She’s not used to men without facial hair,’ said Rajan. ‘I dread to think what’d happen if either of us shaved.’ He passed Wolfgang, trailing his hand across his waist as he did.

Wolfgang laughed. ‘I wouldn’t dare.’ He kissed the top of Anika’s head, then looked over at Rajan as he reached the kitchen. ‘Do you want some help with the food?’ he asked. ‘Onkel Capheus can babysit.’

Capheus beamed. ‘Delighted to.’

‘Excellent,’ said Kala. ‘Give me a chance to put my feet up.’

Capheus took Anika over to her play area and Wolfgang was pleased to see that both Capheus and Zakia got down on the floor to play with her. Kwan-Ho was a little shyer but he gave her one of his sweet smiles.

Kala sat down with them and let the conversation wash over her. Wolfgang knew how much she’d missed being part of a big social group and she was very much looking forward to them all being together again. She was much more of a social butterfly than he was as well. That must be where Anika got it from.

Wolfgang headed over to the kitchen to help Rajan. Everybody knew to help themselves to breakfast that morning so that Rajan was free to focus on getting things ready for the birthday tea, which would be a late lunch really.

As they started to prepare the food, Wolfgang’s attention was divided in several different directions at once. It was with Kala, watching Capheus, Zakia and Kwan-Ho interact with their daughter. It was on the roof terrace with Sun, as she went through her morning practise. She would be down soon.

His attention also kept straying to Will and Riley, though he tried not to. They were in the shower, not having sex, just enjoying each other’s closeness. He was glad Will had Riley there to make him feel better but the sensations they were experiencing were … intense.

He was also aware, although more dimly, of Lito enjoying the Rainforest shower in his hotel suite, and of Nomi feeling a little stressed and she and Neets tried to get two very excitable children washed and dressed for the party.

A part of him, as always, was also tense and anxious. The current focus of his anxiety was the idea that Alois could turn up at any moment. He was still out there somewhere, still dangerous and no doubt angry.

‘I keep thinking about him too,’ said Elin, suddenly beside him.

He glanced at Rajan, who was busy slicing cucumber, then he stepped away a little. Elin kept with him.

‘I keep expecting him to just be there,’ she said. ‘Even though I don’t think he wants to come anywhere near us.’

Wolfgang visited Elin in New Zealand. It was evening there and she was outside, sitting at Niki’s patio table. Although it was autumn for her, it wasn’t cold, just nicely cool. She wore her Fairisle jumper but hadn’t bothered with a coast. She was alone. 

‘He’s dangerous,’ said Wolfgang. ‘We have to be prepared for anything with him.’

Elin smiled a little. ‘I guess it doesn’t help to expect two anxious people to reassure each other, does it?’

Wolfgang gave a dry chuckle. ‘No. This is why I have Rajan. He’s always optimistic.’ He glanced towards the house. The lights were on inside and he could feel Niki, though he couldn’t see her. ‘What are Niki and Kiri like about it.’

A wide smile lit up Elin’s whole face and her white cheeks turned faintly pink. ‘They’re great. Kiri is very practical and calm. Reassuring.’ She laughed. ‘And Niki just threatens to punch him if he comes anywhere near.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Good. They can both handle themselves well.’ He hesitated. ‘Though it wouldn’t hurt for you to learn self-defence too.’

‘I’ve been thinking about it though … well, it wasn’t through fighting that he got to me before. He doesn’t work like that. He’s manipulative. He makes you feel things. I guess that’s what makes him so dangerous. He doesn’t look like an enemy.’ 

Wolfgang looked seriously at her. ‘That’s why you can’t believe a word he says. Promise me.’

‘Promise what?’

‘If you see him. If … if he says anything to you, don’t believe him. He’s a liar but every lie will be mixed with the truth. That’s what makes him so dangerous.’

‘I know.’ She reached out and slipped her fingers through his. ‘Don’t worry, Wolfie. I know exactly who he is now and I won’t be taken in again. I’m not that innocent anymore.’

‘I’m sorry.’

Elin frowned at him. ‘What for?’

Wolfgang took a deep breath. ‘That you had to lose that innocence. He stole a part of you and I wish I could bring it back.’

Elin shrugged and looked down. ‘All I want back is my brother.’ She looked at him. ‘I don’t suppose … you’ve found anything out, have you?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Not yet.’ He squeezed her hand. ‘We’ll keep trying.’ He hesitated. ‘If he wasn’t sensate, we might not be able to find out what happened to him. Even if he was, it’s possible that everyone connected with him is dead. There were so many of us lost.’

They both winced as they felt the pain of that statement ricochet through both their clusters. There was so much pain associated with that evil man.

‘Anything you can find out would help.’ She shook her head. ‘But don’t worry about it today. You focus on your little girl’s birthday today.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘I can’t actually believe she’s one! We survived a whole year.’

Elin smiled back. ‘You’re a great dad. She’s lucky to have you.’

‘I’d do anything for her.’

She squeezed his hand. ‘I was so wrong about you. When we first met. You’re not a monster. You’re good. So good.’

Wolfgang shrugged, feeling his face get hot. ‘I’m not.’

‘Yes you are. What Kala says about you is right. You have this goodness inside and you can’t hide it, no matter how hard you try.’

‘I hope Ani thinks that when she grows up.’

‘She will,’ said Elin certainly. ‘Because you’ll always show her that.’

He felt a hand on his arm and he turned to see Rajan looking at him, an amused smile on his face. ‘Hey, are you my kitchen assistant or not? There’s too much to do to go visiting right now.’

Wolfgang laughed and turned back to where he’d been slicing finger buns in quarters. ‘Okay, okay, I’m helping.’

Working side by side with Rajan, with all his cluster nearby, Wolfgang knew that they didn’t need to worry about Alois. They had nothing to worry about at all.


	162. Chapter 162

The facility was not what Alois had imagined. It was nothing like the place in Iceland. That had been sleek and modern, clean lines and a lot of glass. This one was an ugly non-descript grey-bricked building, just like any other dreary office block. He looked out of the window at the streets. Even though it wasn’t raining right then, the outside here always seemed to look grey and miserable. He’d never liked this country.

But it was the best place to be right now. It was the place he needed to be. At first it had been strange to experience the blocking effect, to not be able to connect with anyone in certain rooms in this large building. His accommodation was in one of those rooms, because he didn’t want to risk his defences dropping while he slept. The last thing he wanted right then was to share thoughts and feelings with his cluster.

He seemed to have more control than the rest of them while he was awake. He put that down to his intelligence and he made full use of the skill. He had to keep his focus, had to remain in control.

‘What are you going to do?’ asked Lukas.

Alois glanced at him, his gaze sweeping over him. On the outside, he was young and somewhat naïve. Easily controlled. Except for that other presence, that certain light in his eyes sometimes. Alois was fascinated by that. It reminded him of some of his patients, one in particular who he’d worked with in prison. That patient was a softly-spoken, sweet-looking man in his late twenties, who’d been convicted of murdering six people in cold blood when he was nineteen. You’d never have guessed it to look at him.

Lukas was the same, except that darkness lurking inside him wasn’t some secret part of himself. It was something else.

‘You don’t need to worry about what I’m going to do, Lukas. You just do what you’re told.’

They were in one of the offices, where he was free to make connections. But he needed to be careful. They must not feel that he was there.

He felt Lukas’s gaze on him. No, that cool, analytical gaze wasn’t Lukas. It was that other presence. Alois was intrigued by that but part of him could feel that it wanted to control him. It could try but Alois Ricken succumbed to nobody’s control.

Melika held Nomi’s hand tightly and Konani held Amanita’s as they left the apartment they were staying in and started to walk around the block to the Rasal apartment. Nomi knew they were both nervous. It was the first time they were meeting all the cluster and it was going to be a lot more new faces than they were used to seeing all at once.

They’d arrived the day before and had spent quite a lot of time going over what was going to happen, showing them pictures of everybody and going through their names. That had helped but Nomi could still feel her children’s anxiety. It was coming off them in waves.

‘Remember, they’re all people you can trust,’ said Nomi, as they reached the front door and pressed the buzzer to be let inside. Kala briefly appeared in a visit, gave Nomi a smile and released the door.

‘I was scared the first time I met everybody,’ said Amanita. ‘But I soon realised how nice everybody was.’

Konani still wore the heavy set frown he’d had since he’d woken up that morning and Melika was biting her lip but both remained calm as they got in the lift and made their way up to the apartment together.

‘Hello,’ said Kala, greeting them at the door.

‘You’re Kala,’ said Melika. ‘Mommy says you’re very clever.’

Kala smiled. ‘I worked very hard in school so I could become a pharmacist.’

‘I want to be a hacktivist, like Mom.’

Kala nodded. ‘An excellent profession,’ she said, seriously, as Nomi pressed her lips together not to laugh and Amanita let out a soft, affectionate giggle.

Kala stood back. ‘We’re very pleased to have you here. Do you want to come in?’

Melika glanced at her brother, who still hadn’t said anything. But Melika seemed to understand that he had no objection to going in so she led them inside. Nomi smiled. She knew Konani would warm up in his own time.

It looked like they were the last guests to arrive but Rajan had taken the kids out onto the balcony, where there was a water table, a sandpit and a ballpit to play with so most people were out there, watching or joining in with the kids playing. This had been done deliberately, to not overwhelm Melika and Konani when they first came in.

Wolfgang was waiting, perched on the back of the sofa. Nomi could feel his tension but he was doing a good job of hiding it and his posture was relaxed. Oma was there too and she was the first one to speak.

‘Hello!’ she said, in English, with one of her big friendly smiles. ‘Welcome to the party! Would you like some juice? We’ve got apple, orange and even grape.’

Again, it was Melika who spoke for both of them. ‘Can we have orange juice please?’

‘You can!’ declared Oma, and scurried off to pour them a glass each.

Konani looked at Wolfgang. For a moment, his frown deepened as he studied him. Nomi felt Wolfgang’s heart rate increase but he didn’t move while Konani examined him.

‘You’re Anika’s daddy,’ he said. ‘Mommy and Mama showed us lots of pictures of the baby.’

The corners of Wolfgang’s mouth twitched in a small smile. ‘That’s right. She calls me Vati, because I’m German.’

‘We’re Hawaiian-American.’

Before anyone could reply, the balcony door opened the Basir rushed in. He was a little bit excitable and he skidded to a halt a bit too late in front of Konani and almost tripped.

Konani took a wary step back.

‘Salut, est-ce que tu parles Français?’ Basir asked.

Konani looked blankly at him.

Basir tried again. ‘Do you speak English?’

‘Oh, yes, we speak English. Are you French?’ Melika asked.

Basir shook his head. ‘No, I’m Syrian but I live here now. Do you live here?’

‘No, we’re just visiting. We live in San Francisco with our moms.’

‘Do you want to play? There’s loads of toys outside.’

Melika looked at Nomi and Amanita to check it was okay. Amanita smiled. ‘Go ahead. Just make sure you listen to the adults in charge or come and get me or mommy if you’re not sure.’

The kids nodded, then rushed off with Basir quite happily.

Oma returned with the orange juices. ‘Oh, I guess they don’t want these.’

Amanita grinned. ‘They’ll want them soon enough.’

Kala put her arm around Nomi’s waist and gave her a brief squeeze. ‘They’re so relaxed,’ she said, watching through the glass as Melika and Konani joined in playing with the other kids.

Wolfgang grinned at the empty space beside him. ‘Your boy did good, Anwar.’

On the balcony, where he was helping supervise the outside activity, Anwar smiled.

Nomi let out a breath and Neets put her arm around her. ‘Bit of a relief, huh?’ she murmured.

Nomi turned her head to kiss her wife and just smiled, love and pride filling her heart.

Wolfgang stood back from the hubbub of the party, just needing a little breather. He’d never imagined a first birthday party could be so exhausting. He smiled as he watched the birthday girl. She was having the time of her life, being the centre of attention. She definitely didn’t get that from him.

He laughed as Anika squealed with delight as Lito zoomed her through the air making airplane noises. Immediately, he had the other three toddlers clamouring to have a go too and Barak and Basir started begging to have a go too.

Dani laughed. ‘Uh oh. Can Uncle Lito cope with that much lifting?’

‘Of course he can,’ said Hernando, adoringly.

Lito preened before Hernando continued.

‘With the amount of time he spends working out, he ought to be able lift anything.’

Lito grinned and nudged his fiancé. ‘Are you hoping to be zoomed around the room too?’

Hernando gave him a bashful smile. ‘Always.’

Lito laughed, putting Anika down so he could zoom the next child around. Although still a little shyer than the other kids, both Melika and Konani wanted to have a go too and Lito was kept busy by requests to zoom.

Wolfgang kept his attention on his daughter. She was playing with the boy Rajan knew from the park. What was his name? Marc? Anyway, Anika was having fun, which was the main thing on her birthday. She didn’t even show any signs of being tired and her usual naptime had been and gone without so much as a yawn. They’d probably pay for that later on when she got too excited and too overtired to sleep. But right then, Wolfgang didn’t care. She was having a good birthday party.

They’d had the buffet, the adults demolishing it as much, or more, than the kids. Rajan and Kala were in the kitchen, fussing about the cake. Wolfgang let their fusses wash over him and just watched his daughter enjoy herself.

Suddenly she stopped playing with the fire engine and looked, thoughtfully into thin air. He stood up straight, watching her curiously. _What is she looking at?_ There was nothing there.

After a moment, she went back to the fire engine, bashing the button to make the siren go and squealing with delight. Wolfgang laughed. There was nothing better than the sight of his daughter enjoying herself.


	163. Chapter 163

Elin woke in the early hours of the morning, craving cake. She rubbed her eyes and peered into the dim light of the bedroom. Why did she want cake? She rubbed her eyes and looked around her. She blinked as she found herself in Wolfgang’s apartment in Paris, sitting next to Anwar. It was late afternoon there and Anwar’s joy filled her belly. She smiled. It was the joy of being with friends.

He was eating a slice of Anika’s birthday cake, surrounded by kids and adults, all as delighted with the cake as he was. It was delicious. Elin was surprised by how vividly she could taste it. Not quite as good as actually eating Rajan’s baking but near enough.

‘I helped,’ said Wolfgang, grinning at her.

‘It is one of the most delicious things I have ever eaten,’ said Anwar, earnestly.

‘Tell Rajan he needs to make me some when I next come to visit.’

Wolfgang smiled and leaned into Rajan, murmuring in his ear. Elin didn’t hear the words but she felt the wave of love from Wolfgang as Rajan gave a bashful smile.

‘Will you come soon?’ Anwar asked.

Elin frowned. ‘I don’t know. I think … there are things I have to do soon. Now I’m getting better. And it’s spring in London. Not a bad time to start looking.’

Anwar looked curiously at her but she didn’t elaborate. She gave him a smile. ‘Enjoy the party. I’m going to go and get a snack. All this cake tasting has made me hungry.’

Anwar smiled back at her and nodded. ‘It was good to see you. Visit more.’

She smiled but didn’t reply. A moment later, she found herself back in bed, her head resting on Niki’s shoulder. Elin stayed where she was for a moment, enjoying the embrace. Niki was sleeping on her back, though it made her snore a little. She blamed that on a broken nose she’d got in a match once. As was their common position, Elin and Kiri had gone to sleep on either side of her, with her strong arms around their waists. Kiri’s hand rested on Niki’s bare chest, just below the curve of her breasts. Elin liked to curl up on her side, in full contact with her girlfriend. Sometimes, she’d lace her fingers through Kiri’s, even though she could feel her through Niki.

When she was with them, Elin felt completely safe. She knew that, whatever happened, they would protect her. They had proven it before and they would prove it again.

She glanced at the digital clock on the bedside table. Its little LED numbers said 04:33. Too early to get up really but she was awake now and no longer felt sleepy. Besides, she had learned that early morning dozing often led to nightmares. She knew that happened for Wolfgang too. Quite a few times when she’d been staying in Paris, she had found herself having early morning talks with him on the balcony or on the rooftop terrace, watching the sunrise. Those talks had got her through some difficult times. Wolfgang didn’t say a lot but he was a good listener and he had a way of cutting right through any bullshit to the heart of the matter.

Even now, she often found herself visiting him when she had a nightmare, though the time difference now usually meant he was alert and not suffering after one himself.

Her stomach rumbled and she carefully slipped out of bed, not wanting to wake her girlfriends. They had training later that day and they’d had somewhat of a late night. She smiled. Well, technically they had gone to bed early, just not to sleep.

Successfully out of bed, she pulled on her dressing gown and pushed her feet into her slippers. She was glad she had been awake enough after their lovemaking the night before to pull on her knickers and one of Niki’s t-shirts to sleep in. Unlike Niki, she didn’t like to sleep naked and she was glad she hadn’t appeared to Anwar and Wolfgang naked, especially in a roomful of children, even though they couldn’t see her. She knew neither Niki, Rafael nor Mari understood this, but she was still a little bit bashful about nudity around her cluster. Tora, Teddy and Anwar were with her though.

As always, her mind gave a little jolt when she thought of each member of her cluster. Some part of her was desperate to remind her about that missing member. It was like he was the phantom itch of an amputated limb. Her mind couldn’t believe he wasn’t there anymore. They were supposed to be eight.

She pushed the thought away and slipped out of the bedroom. She knew Niki’s cosy little house well by now so she didn’t bother to turn on the lights as she made her way to the kitchen. It was a bungalow so there were no stairs to navigate. She knew there was no cake in the house but there was about half an apple pie in the fridge. It was an odd breakfast but she needed something sweet after tasting that cake and not being able to actually eat any.

Using the light of the fridge, she cut a slice, then sat down with it at the kitchen table and started to eat. Part of her could still hear the happy chatter and laughter of the party and it made her smile to hear it. Mari and Tora were in Tokyo and she was aware of them talking about their day as they got ready for bed, occasionally tripping over one or other of the dogs as they rushed around, suddenly full of energy just before bedtime. In contrast, Rafael was near the beginning of his day and was in his music room, working out a new song. Teddy, in between shifts, was visiting, giving his opinions on the lyrics or the melody or the rhythm. Although they weren’t physically together, and that was still an issue between them, they were happy because they could be with each other.

The people she loved were happy and safe, all except one. She finished her slice of pie, laid down her spoon and sat back in her chair. She had to do something about it. She had to find her brother.

The last she’d heard, he’d gone to London. That was years ago, and her parents had gone at the time. But she had to start somewhere. Perhaps she could find out something. The sensate network hadn’t got her anywhere so far but maybe she could make more connections if she went to visit BPO. Maybe then she could find something out.

Of course, her brother might not even be sensate but it was one possibility she hadn’t been able to explore before. It might just lead her to the truth. At the very least, it would be worth a try.

‘Here you are,’ said Kiri, softly.

Elin glanced round and smiled. ‘Anwar woke me by having cake.’

Kiri laughed, turning the kitchen light on. ‘It’s a wonder Niki didn’t wake. You know how she feels about food.’

Elin grinned back at her. ‘Yeah. Is she still flat out in there?’

‘You know she is,’ said Kiri, truthfully. She came over and sat next to Elin at the table. She’d pulled on one of Niki’s t-shirts too though hadn’t bothered with a dressing gown. She lay her head on Elin’s. ‘Was it really just the cake? Or did you have a nightmare?’

Elin turned her hand upwards so she could lace her fingers through Kiri’s. She loved Kiri’s grip. It was softer than Niki’s, but strong too. ‘No, or not that I can remember. But …’

‘What?’

‘Well, I have got things on my mind.’

Kiri put her head on one side. ‘What things?’

‘My brother. I need to find him. Or at least … try to.’ She looked down at their joined hands. ‘I don’t know if he’s still alive. Maybe all I’ll find is a date of death. But …’ She swallowed hard. ‘At least I’d know. At least my mamma and papa would know.’

Kiri looked thoughtfully at her. ‘Niki and I will do anything we can to help, if you think you’re ready to do this.’

‘I am,’ said Elin, firmly.

Kiri nodded. ‘So, where do you want to start?’

Elin took a big breath. ‘London. If BPO, the old BPO had anything to do with this, I have to know. Or at least there, I can make more connections. Even if he isn’t sensate like me, there might be some sensate out there somewhere who knows something. Like putting his name and picture up on social media. Connections meet connections and things can travel so far like that. Maybe we’ll be able to find something.’

Kiri put her arm around her and brought her close for a hug. She kissed her temple. ‘We’ll be with you, love. Every step of the way.’

Elin smiled and breathed in Kiri’s scent, the scent of grass. That scent was a comfort to her now. It was part of home.

She knew they would be there for her. They’d already proven that too.


	164. Chapter 164

The party was officially over. The parent friends had left with their party bags and everyone who remained was content to sit back and watch the kids play. Anika, Barak and Melika were still going strong, with the older kids doting on the baby and keeping her happily occupied. Basir was tired and was snuggled up with his Baba, nearly asleep, while Konani had got a little overwhelmed and was having a little reconnecting time with his parents. He had settled himself in between Nomi and Amanita, in close physical contact with both of them.

Wolfgang leaned back on the sofa, settling into Rajan’s waiting embrace. He was tired but happy, and that feeling reverberated through the whole cluster. Their togetherness fluttered through them, something that was so important to them all. As usual when they were together, there were several conversations going on at once, some aloud, some in their heads.

Rajan put his mouth close to Wolfgang’s ear. His hot breath on his neck sent a pleasurable sensation through him that was halfway between a tickle and arousal.

‘Do you think everybody liked my cake?’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Of course. Why do you think there’s none left?’

‘Politeness?’ Rajan suggested.

Wolfgang chuckled affectionately. ‘No, it was really good. Like I said before, you’re going to have to make it again when Elin next comes to visit.’

Rajan smiled, his eyes alight with pleasure. One of his favourite things was when people liked the food he made. ‘I will.’

Wolfgang rested his head against Rajan’s shoulder and closed his eyes. He was content to just sit in his husband’s arms and the let the presence of all these people he loved wash over him.

Kala was on the opposite sofa, in between Riley and Dani. She was sort of visiting him too, occasionally giving him little butterfly kisses on his cheek or trailing her manicured nails through his hair.

Lito was talking about the wedding. Not that it was new information for any of them but they were all quite happy for him to chatter about it, as it made him happy. He was getting more and more excited since the actual day was only just over three months away now.

‘We’re having the ceremony in the Diego Rivera Museum, right under the arch then the reception in the biggest hotel in Mexico City.’

Hernando smiled indulgently. ‘I am sure you have told them all of this before, baby.’

‘We do not mind hearing about it,’ said Sun, in her even tone. If they didn’t know her, they would have thought she were aloof but they knew how much affection she felt for Lito.

Anika shrieked with laughter as Barak and Melika pulled funny faces at her.

‘Aww,’ sighed Dani. ‘She’s so adorable.’

Kala beamed with pride. ‘Yeah, she is.’

Dani put her arm around Kala’s waist, hugging her. ‘Is it really hard, being pregnant and giving birth?’

‘It is terrible!’ interrupted Lito. ‘I have never been so sick in my life. And the pain! Dios mío, I have never felt pain like that.’

Wolfgang, Will and Rajan smirked at each other, waiting for Kala to kick off. Kala pursed her lips and gave Lito a stern look. ‘I believe _I_ was the one who was pregnant, Lito.’

Lito opened his mouth to reply but must have felt a sudden wave of annoyance from Kala as he shut it again, looking abashed. Hernando patted his hand, silently congratulating him on his wise choice.

Kala turned her attention back to Dani. ‘It _is_ hard,’ she admitted. ‘Anyone who doesn’t admit that is lying. It’s tiring and you can feel really sick and exhausted for at least half of the pregnancy. And the labour can be really hard.’ She paused and laced her fingers through Riley’s, who was quiet beside her. ‘But once you have your baby in your arms, you forget everything else and your baby is all that matters.’

Riley put her chin on Kala’s shoulder, her arms sliding around her waist and holding on tight. As he had in the past, Wolfgang felt that strange mix of grief and love in Riley. It was the same ambivalence he felt towards certain aspects of his own past. Sorrow with flashes of joy, or love infected with the dark cloud of grief.

Dani considered, then sent half a glance at Hernando and Lito. ‘I think I want one, one day.’

Hernando raised his eyebrows and gave a little smile. Lito wasn’t paying attention.

‘We’ll need security at the wedding,’ he said, half to himself.

Wolfgang sat up, leaning forward to look closely at Lito. ‘Is that person still bothering you?’ he asked, tense suddenly. He felt Rajan lay his hand on the small of his back.

‘What person?’ asked Will, also leaning forward. Wolfgang felt a jump in his tension too. Wolfgang winced, remembering that they hadn’t really told Will about that.

Lito shrugged. ‘It’s nothing really. I have my bodyguards of course. It’s just somebody was following me and I had a few phone calls a while ago.’

‘Well, who is it?’ Will asked.

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘If we knew that, it wouldn’t be a problem.’

‘At least you’re not blaming…’

‘Will, don’t start,’ interrupted Riley, with a look.

Will dropped his gaze, abashed and biting his lip.

Wolfgang looked back at Lito. ‘Are they still doing the thing with the rose?’

‘Yeah,’ said Lito, twisting his hands together. ‘They haven’t escalated or anything.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s probably just a fan.’

Hernando put his arm around him and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘As long as you’ve got your bodyguards, I’m sure nothing bad will happen.’

Wolfgang visited to give Lito’s shoulder a comforting squeeze. ‘If they try anything, we’ll be there.’

Lito smiled. ‘I know.’

Wolfgang felt a pulse of something from Sun and he glanced at her. She met his eyes and gave the slightest, almost imperceptible shake of her head. He understood. She needed something from them too but she wasn’t ready to share yet. She was like him; they both needed time to work up to asking for help, even from their cluster.

_You’re so far away_

_But I can feel you_

_You’re not near to me_

_But I hold you in my arms_

‘What do you think?’ asked Rafael, after he’d come to the end of the song. It was early morning and he was in his home studio. He’d been working on this song for a while but this was the first time he’d sung it for anyone. Teddy was visiting.

He watched Teddy’s face, trying to gauge his reaction. Teddy always had a very slight frown when he was thinking about something. Rafael didn’t need their connection to be able to tell he was thinking.

‘That line _you’re not near to me_ feels a bit awkward. I’d change it to _you’re not here with me_.’

‘Yeah, you’re right. Awesome,’ said Rafael, scribbling the replacement words on his song sheet.

Teddy looked at him with one of his bashful smiles. ‘It’s about me, isn’t it?’

Raf grinned and kissed him tenderly on those soft lips. He could feel his warmth, the closeness tantalising yet not close enough. ‘Who else?’

Teddy bumped his shoulder against him. ‘Hey, I’ve seen those gossip mags at work. You’re always getting matched with someone beautiful.’

‘I’m only interested in the beautiful person standing in front of me.’

Teddy gave him that coy smile again. ‘According to the papers, you’re a player.’

Rafael smirked. ‘That did used to be true but now the only person I want to play with is you.’

Teddy snorted. ‘That is so cheesy.’

‘Maybe so but it is true.’ He placed his hands on Teddy’s shoulders. ‘Mi vida, you are the only person I want to be with. There is just this pesky thing called the Atlantic Ocean in between us.’

Teddy looked away. ‘Not this again.’

‘Okay, okay, I’m not going on about it. Just … why don’t you come and see me. No pressure, just come and visit.’

Teddy pulled away. ‘I thought I _was_ visiting,’ he said, curtly.

‘Don’t be like that, el amado. Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean and don’t act like you don’t want to be with me too.’ He softened his voice with effort. ‘I can feel what you feel, remember?’

Teddy looked at him. His eyes were wet and he blinked rapidly. ‘What if that’s all this is?’

Rafael frowned at him. ‘What do you mean?’

Teddy bit his lip. ‘What if … what if you only love me because I love you?’

Rafael opened his mouth to reply but, before he could, a scream cut through the silence in the house.

In a second, Teddy was gone but Rafael had no time to go after him. Something was going on, something urgent.

He shot out of his studio. There was another scream and, a moment later, Rosie appeared at the top of the stairs. ‘Tío Rafi! There’s something wrong with Mami. She won’t wake up.’

Everything else forgotten, Rafael raced upstairs and followed Rosie to Elena’s room, so many horrible images racing through his head. She could be lying dead up there from an overdose. She could have had enough and taken the same route out as Abuelo.

Elena’s bedroom door was open, the lights still off and the drapes drawn. Rosie wouldn’t go back in. She hovered by the door, trembling and breathing hard.

Rafael cautiously stepped into the room. He spotted Elena almost immediately. She was lying in her bed. She could be asleep, except her head was drooping over the edge of the bed. She was so still.

He couldn’t move. What if she were dead?

Suddenly, Anwar was with him. ‘You need to check her pulse,’ he said, calmly.

Then before Rafael could say anything, he felt Anwar taking over. He went to Elena’s side, felt for a pulse at her neck.

‘She’s not dead,’ said Anwar. ‘Call an ambulance, then get her in the recovery position. It looks like an overdose.’

‘Keep calm and focused,’ said Tora. ‘You can fall apart later.’

He saw Mari out of the corner of his eye. She was stimming rapidly, both hands tapping against her thighs. The sight of her made him feel calmer as he tugged his phone out of his pocket and dialled 911.

Niki and Elin were there too. Niki was peering at Elena. ‘She’s breathing, just shallowly,’ he said.

Elin was looking at Rosie. ‘She shouldn’t be here.’

Ambulance called, Rafael pulled his gaze away from Elena, to where Rosie was still huddled in the doorway. ‘Nena, can you go to the front door and let the paramedics in when they come? Then go to my studio and stay in there, all right?’

‘Yes, Tío,’ Rosie squeaked, then ran off.

Anwar helped Rafael get Elena into the recovery position, making sure her airway was clear. Rafael could feel Teddy there too but he didn’t speak.

His heart was hammering in his chest and thoughts swirled around his mind. She’d never gone for far before but it was something they’d all always feared.

He felt Teddy’s hand massaging his shoulder. ‘Just keep focused, love. She’ll be all right.’

Ten minutes later, Rafael stood at the door and watched the paramedics load his sister into the ambulance. He wanted to go with her but somebody had to stay with Rosie and Abuelita was out.

He felt a gaze on him and he turned to see Rosie looking at him from a small gap in the door to his studio. Her dark eyes were wide with fear.

‘Is my mami dead?’ she asked, in a small voice.

Rafael’s chest hurt like his heart was breaking. ‘No, nena.’ He held his arms out to her and she ran to him. He swooped her up into his arms and held her close. ‘She’s all right. The doctors and the nurses will make her all better.’

_Dios mío, please let that be true. Please let her be all right._


	165. Chapter 165

Left alone with his niece, the first thing Rafael had done was to call Abuelita and break the news of what had happened. She arrived ten minutes later, her face tear-stained but her breathing was controlled and her voice falsely upbeat as she spoke to Rosie. 

‘Tío is going to see Mami now and I’m staying with you and when he comes back, he’s going to tell you how well Mami is doing.’

Rafael exchanged a glanced with Abuelita as he handed over a limpet-like Rosie. She laid her hand on his arm and squeezed gently. 

‘You are not alone, Papito,’ she said, softly. 

He nodded. He knew what she meant and he would always have his family. But his cluster was with him too. They were at once getting on with their own lives, and staying near him, visiting to murmur comforting words or put their arms around him. But Teddy stayed with him the whole time. 

As he drove to the hospital, Teddy was there. He didn’t say much, or anything actually, but he was there. He held his hand, or combed his fingers through his hair, or squeezed his knee. His presence kept Rafael breathing steadily. 

He’d had to wait in the waiting room and he’d wanted to pace, but there were too many people. His cluster kept him calm then too. Finally, he was being led through to Elena’s room, with the nurse telling him her progress. 

‘We’ve got her on oxygen and we’ve administered Naloxone to reverse the effects of the heroin. But she’s still unconscious so, at the moment, I’m afraid we don’t know if there are going to be any long-term effects.’ 

Rafael nodded. Even if it wasn’t for Anwar and Teddy, he knew the risks of heroin overdose. He’d researched it because he’d known this day would come eventually. She might never wake up, or she might have brain damage. 

She was in a private room and she lay there in the hospital bed, her eyes closed and so still. She wore an oxygen mask and had an IV drip going into her arm. The machine next to her beeped as it monitored her heartbeat. 

He took a deep breath, then pulled up the chair and sat down. He hesitated for a moment, then reached out and took his sister’s hand. She was warm in his grip but her hand was limp and still. 

A sob rose in his throat but he forced it down. He had to stay strong. 

‘Oh, Elena, what have you done?’ he sighed. He looked at her face. In her unconscious state, she looked so young. He thought back to her adolescence, before everything had gone wrong, before the drugs, before the shitty boyfriends. Could anything have been done to prevent all that? He didn’t know if it could have but the guilt had lurked inside him for years. He was her big brother. It was his job to look after her. 

Teddy slipped his hand through Rafael’s free hand. ‘It’s not your fault,’ he said. ‘She’s had the same chances you did and she made her own choices.’ He gave a rueful smile. ‘Like my brother has.’ 

Rafael held Teddy’s hand tight. ‘All I’ve ever wanted to do is keep her safe and give her a happy life. I’ve done everything I could for her and it’s not enough.’ He felt the sob constricting his throat again and he swallowed hard. ‘Why isn’t it enough?’ 

‘You can’t fix her,’ said a new voice. 

Rafael looked up and saw Wolfgang. His jaw was tense as he looked at Elena’s still body in the hospital bed. Rafael waited for him to speak again. 

Wolfgang looked at him. ‘You can only support her to fix herself.’ 

Rafael hesitated. ‘You’ve … you’ve had addiction issues?’ 

Wolfgang nodded. ‘Alcohol.’ He gave him a half-grin. ‘Or whatever dulls the pain the quickest and easiest.’ 

He glanced to his left and Rafael felt the physical presence of Wolfgang’s cluster through his friend. He could feel him listening to something one of his cluster was telling him, before he turned his attention back to Rafael. 

‘There is pain inside her, a reason that drives her to find an escape. The only way out is to get her to talk about it.’ He gave a non-committal shrug. ‘Not that it’s easy.’

Rafael took out a deep breath and let it out. ‘I know.’ 

Wolfgang looked at him for a moment, his gaze intense. ‘Do you want me to stay with you?’ 

Rafael glanced at Teddy who sat beside him, then at Anwar who was watching Elena. He felt Niki and Elin close by and Mari and Tora were keeping their thoughts with him. He returned his gaze to Wolfgang. 

‘No, you go and be with your family.’ He smiled. ‘I’m with mine.’ 

Wolfgang nodded, gave him a small smile, then he was gone. Rafael settled in to wait for Elena to wake up.

Wolfgang returned to himself in the living room. The party was winding down, the kids finally having enough of playing. Even Anika had had enough and was now snuggled against Kala’s chest, feeding noisily. 

‘Is he all right?’ asked Will, in a visit just to him. 

Wolfgang glanced at him. He was sitting with Riley, his arm around her and looking relaxed. But Wolfgang could feel his tension.

‘Why don’t you visit him?’ 

Will shrugged. ‘I don’t think I’d help.’ 

Wolfgang frowned. ‘Why not?’

Will pulled away from the visit and wouldn’t answer. Wolfgang watched him for a while, trying to pick up his feelings and thought process but Will just focused on Riley, resting his cheek on the top of her head and holding her close. She held his hand as she chatted with Amanita. 

Wolfgang didn’t take his attention away from Will until Rajan put his hand on his shoulder, smoothing his thumb across the bare skin at the back of his neck. 

‘You all right?’ he asked. 

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘Yeah.’ He pulled his legs up onto the sofa and settled back into Rajan’s embrace. Rajan wrapped his arms around his waist and Wolfgang relished his warmth.

Rajan kissed his cheek. ‘Sure you’re all right?’ 

‘Yeah, just Rafael’s going through some things.’

‘Can we help?’ 

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No, it’s not that sort of thing.’ 

Rajan put his cheek against Wolfgang’s, his soft beard tickling his cheek. ‘Well, you just tell me if I can help, won’t you?’

Wolfgang grinned, patting Rajan’s hand where it rested on his stomach. ‘I will.’ His husband was such a good man. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve him, but then he didn’t know what he’d done to deserve Kala and the rest of his cluster family either.


	166. Chapter 166

Those guests who were not staying over left soon after. They would meet up again while they were all in Paris but Nomi and Amanita also wanted to show Melika and Konani some of the sights and Riley had a show organised, which they were all planning to go to.

Kala asked Wolfgang to help with getting the baby to bed, while Rajan made sure the remaining guests were all right.

Wolfgang carried her through to the nursery. She was so tired she was already drooping against his chest. Luckily, they’d given her a good wash after the birthday tea and cake so she didn’t need a bath. 

‘Will you do her diaper?’ Kala asked, as she crossed to the chest of drawers to get Anika a clean pair of pyjamas.

‘Sure,’ he said, lying her down on the changing table. She started to fuss but he started to sing to her, a song he had sung to her before.

  
It's real love, yes it's real love  
Oh, It's real love, yes it's real love  
  
From this moment on I know  
Exactly where my life will go  
Seems that all I really was doing  
Was waiting for love  
Don't need to be afraid  
No need to be afraid

It's real love, yes it's real love  
Oh, It's real love, yes it's real love  
  


It worked immediately. She quietened down to listen to him, gazing up at him with her gorgeous big eyes, his own colour reflecting back in them. He made quick work of her diaper change and, as he finished, he felt Kala coming up behind him. She laid her hand on the small of his back.

‘You’re so good at calming her,’ she murmured.

He smiled, taking the pyjamas from her and starting to get Anika dressed. ‘Singing’s always calmed me. Like father like daughter, I guess.’ He frowned, feeling an unpleasant jerk in his belly at the thought of that word. He wasn’t her father. He was her Vati. He would always protect her and show her every day how much he loved her.

Kala picked her up and gave her a kiss and a cuddle. Wolfgang watched, feeling warm inside. Kala was such a gentle, loving mother, just like his mama had been. But he knew, although it was a somewhat painful knowledge, that Kala was stronger than his mama had been. She would never let anyone hurt Anika. She would fight for her loved ones. She already had. He knew the odds had been stacked against his mama but he also knew that, no matter what odds were against Kala, she would never give up when it came to fighting for her child.

He watched Kala place Anika in her cot. She was so sleepy that, for once, she didn’t fight it and went almost straight to sleep. Kala watched her for a moment, then turned and looked at him.

She was frowning a little. ‘What’s going on with you and Will?’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘How did you know?’

She smiled. ‘You’re not as good at hiding things from me as you think. He wouldn’t go to Rafael, would he?’

‘No, and I’m not sure why. After his own experience with heroin, you’d think he’d want to help Raf.’ As he spoke, he saw a movement out of the corner of his eye and he turned to see Rajan coming into the nursery.

‘Is this about Will?’ he asked.

Wolfgang nodded. ‘I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t.’

Rajan smiled. ‘I certainly know how frustrating that can be.’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes as Kala laughed softly. ‘Yeah, okay, so as someone who has been in my position before, what can I do to make him talk?’

Rajan chuckled gently, then came over. He touched Wolfgang’s cheek gently. ‘My love, Will is like you. You cannot _make_ him do anything.’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘But you made me talk.’

Rajan shook his head. ‘No I didn’t. I made it safe for you to talk.’ He put his arms around them both and held them close. ‘Why don’t you both go and talk to him now? Remind him that he’s not alone.’

Wolfgang looked at Kala, who looked back at him. He felt her anxiety about the situation and he knew she could feel his. But her determination mirrored his own. Will would not be alone.

‘Now might be a good time to catch him,’ said Rajan, helpfully. ‘He just went out onto the balcony before I came in here.’

Wolfgang glanced at him and nodded. ‘Yeah.’ He looked at Kala. ‘A visit?’

She shook her head. ‘Let’s go in person.’ She smiled. ‘Harder to push us away then.’

Will had waited until nobody was paying attention, then slipped out onto the balcony on his own. Every moment was agony. He could feel Rafael’s pain, his anguish as he sat at his sister’s bedside, waiting for her to wake. He wanted to visit. He wanted to wrap his arms around his child and hold him tight, give him comfort.

But, during this whole year, the first year of him being a parent to a brand-new cluster, what had he actually done to help them? It felt like he had done nothing, worse than nothing. If it hadn’t been for him, maybe Alois would have never got to Elin. If he’d just believed Wolfgang about him, none of this would have happened.

His keen hearing picked up footsteps behind him and he turned his head to see Kala and Wolfgang coming in through the balcony door. From the set expressions on their faces, he knew they were not going to accept any of his excuses. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try.

‘Just thought I’d get some air. Did you get the baby down all right?’

Kala smiled. ‘She went straight to sleep, she was so tired.’

Wolfgang didn’t smile. He met Will’s eyes with a somewhat hard expression. Will looked away, focusing on the view from the balcony. It was a view he’d become very familiar with over the years, through coming to stay here and through visiting Wolfgang. Many times, he’d stood on this balcony, or on the one above it outside the main bedroom, visiting Wolfgang and talking with him, or persuading him to talk. Now it was his turn.

They came up either side of him and leaned on the balcony with him. He didn’t look at them and they didn’t speak straight away, just stood with him.

Wolfgang shifted slightly and his forearm brushed Will’s. His skin was warm against him. Kala took his other hand in both of hers.

‘Why don’t you want to visit Rafael?’ she asked, softly.

He looked down at their joined hands. ‘I just don’t think I could help.’

‘Just be there,’ said Wolfgang. ‘Your presence is enough.’

Will glanced at him. ‘I didn’t do any good before, did I? I didn’t help with Alois, did I? I didn’t know what he was doing.’

‘He’s a psychopath and a fucking abuser, Will,’ said Wolfgang, bluntly.

‘Wolfgang,’ Kala admonished, softly.

‘You can’t help people like that,’ Wolfgang continued in a slightly softer tone.

‘I should have seen what he was.’

Wolfgang glanced at Kala and Will could feel him focusing on keeping himself calm. He looked back at Will and a muscle in his jaw pulsed with tension. ‘If you haven’t been the victim of someone like that, it’s harder to spot people like him, especially when they’re charming like he is.’

‘I should have seen it. I should have listened to you. If I’d been a better cluster parent…’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Even Angelica got taken in by Whispers at first.’

‘That’s true,’ said Kala. ‘And she didn’t just give up after that, did she?’

‘It doesn’t matter what happened in the past,’ said Wolfgang. ‘It matters what happens now.’

‘So, let’s go and visit Rafael,’ said Kala. ‘We’ll come with you.’

‘You won’t be alone.’

Will looked between the two of them. ‘You really do make a good team you know.’

They just smiled. Will took a deep breath. ‘All right, let’s go.’

Rafael was sitting in the chair beside his sister’s hospital bed. He’d sent his cluster away, despite their protestations. They had their own lives to lead and there was no need for them to have to deal with it too. He didn’t want to cause them any pain.

He felt a warmth beside him and he turned just as he heard a soft sigh. He saw Will and immediately felt comforted, just to see him, like having his mami or papi there after a nightmare.

At the same time, he could feel Wolfgang and Kala nearby but he couldn’t see them. Will gave him a soft smile.

‘You coping?’ he asked.

Rafael sighed. ‘I’ve just got to wait for her to wake up. Before then, I don’t know what I’ll need to cope with.’

Will put his arm around his waist and squeezed lightly. ‘Whatever happens, you won’t be alone.’

Rafael didn’t speak, just leaned into him and let him comfort him.


	167. Chapter 167

_Teddy’s mouth is soft against his cheek and his breath is hot on his neck. Rafael turns into him, nuzzling into his warmth. He trails his fingers through his black dreadlocks, enjoying the silky feeling of the hair against his fingertips._

_Teddy laughs and Rafael feels another caress of hot breath._

_‘You know you’re sleeping, don’t you?’ he asks._

_‘Hmm?’ Rafael murmurs, turning into Teddy to feel the heat of his skin against him._

_Teddy kisses his mouth, a soft, chaste kiss with so much understated love in it. ‘You’re sleeping, sitting upright in a hospital chair.’ He looks at him, his dark eyes filled with an emotion Rafael can’t identify._

_Teddy strokes his cheek with one finger, then cups his jaw. ‘I think you need to wake up now, love,’ he whispers, his voice softly insistent. Rafael doesn’t want to wake up. What is waiting for him in the real world? Just his broken family._

_‘Wake up, love,’ Teddy says again, the grip on his jaw now firm. ‘Now.’_

Rafael opened his eyes and blinked under the bright florescent lights. He felt Teddy’s absence like the sudden lack of heat in the room. He rubbed his face and looked around, instinctively looking for his lover. He wasn’t there but he knew he had been.

He looked at his sister and sat up straight. She was awake. ‘Elena!’

Elena blinked silently at him. His heart was in his mouth. Was she okay? ‘Elena, can you understand me?’

She pulled off her oxygen mask with an annoyed grunt. ‘Where the hell am I?’

‘I don’t think she’s brain damaged,’ said Anwar, with a gentle smile.

‘You’re in hospital,’ said Rafael. ‘You overdosed.’

Elena dropped her gaze. She raised her hand to rub her face, then took in the IV in her hand. She pulled a face, then glanced around the room. ‘Private room, huh? I guess there are some benefits to having a famous brother.

He frowned, folding his arms across his chest. ‘I’d give up every last cent to help you, you know that. Why did you do it?’

She shrugged, non-committedly. ‘I didn’t mean to.’

‘What the hell does that mean? Did you shoot up with heroin by accident?’

Will suddenly placed his hand on his arm. ‘Getting angry isn’t going to help. Just stay calm and listen to her.

Rafael took a deep breath. ‘Okay, I’m not getting angry.’ He reached out and took her hand in his, carefully avoiding the IV. ‘I just want to know what happened and how I can help. You’d been clean for months, I thought.’

Elena met his gaze and he thought he could read guilt and regret in her face but he was never quite sure.

‘She does feel bad,’ said Lito. ‘But she’s not going to be able to say it.’

Rafael made an effort to soften his tone. ‘How did it happen, cariño?’

She sighed. ‘That night, I couldn’t sleep. I kept … having these dreams.’

‘What about? Mami and Papi? Abuelo?’

She shook her head. ‘No, it was about Rosie’s dad.’

Silence fell. He knew Rosie’s father had been an asshole and he’d seen bruises sometimes. She’d always denied it was him but Rafael had been secretly thrilled when he’d run off and left them. They were better off without men like that.

‘Do you want me to pay for therapy?’ he asked.

Elena pulled her hand away and scoffed. ‘It’s always about money with you, isn’t it? That’s all you give a shit about.’

‘She doesn’t mean that,’ said Wolfgang, sitting across from him. He had an intense look in his eyes and was, confusingly just wearing a sheet around his waist. ‘She’s just lashing out.’

‘What do I do?’ Rafael asked, in a visit to Wolfgang so his sister wouldn’t hear him. Wolfgang was sitting up in bed between his lovers. Well, that was his attire explained.

Wolfgang gave him a half smile. ‘Be there for her. Be empathetic. But don’t take any shit.’ He glanced either side of him at Kala, then at Rajan. ‘That’s what they do for me.’ He grinned at Rafael. ‘And believe me, I don’t make it easy on them.’

Rafael nodded. ‘Got it.’ He turned to his sister. He felt Teddy with him again, holding his hand.

‘Elena, I will do whatever you want me to do to help. If you want to go to therapy, I’ll pay for it. If you want to talk to me, I’ll listen.’ He raised her hand to his mouth and kissed it. ‘I love you, cariño, and I will do whatever I can to help you.’

She blinked hard, clenching her fingers in his gentle grip and he realised there were tears in her eyes. She looked away and rubbed her face. ‘I do want to try,’ she murmured, sniffing slightly. ‘I know I’ve messed up my life and I don’t know how to fix it.’

‘It’s never too late to make things better, cariño.’

She looked at him and some tension just seemed to go out of her. ‘I’ll try, Raf. I promise I will try.’

‘That’s all I expect.’ He stood up. ‘I’d better go find a nurse to check you over.’

She nodded. ‘Yeah.’

He gave her a smile, then quietly stepped out of the room and took a deep breath before he went to find a nurse.

Wolfgang felt that sensation of being called again. Beside him Kala stirred out of sleep but Wolfgang leaned down and kissed her mouth softly.

‘It’s okay, Liebling. You stay asleep. I’ll go.’

She murmured contentedly and snuggled back down again. He climbed out of bed, pulled on pants and went through to the nursery. As he reached the door, he heard Anika start to cry urgently. As he opened the door he saw her standing up in her cot wailing.

‘Hey, Mäuslein, what’s all this.’

She started to quiet down as she saw him and reached up for him. He went over and lifted her up out of her cot and held her. She snuggled into his bare chest and stopped crying, holding on tight to his arm. He rocked her up and down.

‘There now,’ he murmured in German. She always responded well to German. She settled with her head against his shoulder. He felt his heartbeat begin to slow down and it was only then that he realised he’d felt fear. Was that her fear? How old did you have to be to get bad dreams?

‘You’re not having bad dreams, are you, Mäuslein?’ He wanted her to have nothing bad to dream about but he supposed even happy kids had bad dreams sometimes.

He looked at her and smiled as he saw her eyes were closed. ‘You ready to go back to sleep?’

She didn’t object so he lay her back in her cot and tucked the blanket in. He waited a moment but her eyes stayed closed so he turned and sneaked back towards the door.

The moment he touched the handle, she started to scream. He was back in a second.

‘All right, I’m not going anywhere.’ He settled her down again, then grabbed a blanket and sat down in the comfy chair. ‘I’m staying right here.’ She watched him as he got comfortable, arranging the blanket over himself. Only when she was sure he was staying put did she close her eyes and settle down to sleep.


	168. Chapter 168

Wolfgang was woken by a soft kiss on his lips and Rajan’s scent in his nostrils. With his eyes still closed, he reached out and looped his arms around Rajan’s neck and pulled him closer for another kiss.

‘Mmm, good morning sleepyhead,’ Rajan said, his voice rumbling through Wolfgang’s body. ‘What are you doing in here?’

‘Anika wouldn’t let me leave.’ He sat up suddenly, his eyes flying open and his gaze going immediately to the cot. ‘Where is she?’ he asked, panic jumping in his chest.

‘Kala’s got her. She’s having her morning feed in the living room.’ Rajan cupped his jaw gently. ‘Hey, calm down,’ he said, softly. ‘What’s going on?’

‘I’m sure it’s nothing but … all kids have nightmares, right?’

‘Well, yeah, when their imaginations start developing. Did Ani have a nightmare?’

Wolfgang pulled away and rubbed his hands over his face. ‘Yeah, I guess she must have.’

‘According to the books, it usually starts closer to two but I guess it could be earlier for some kids.’

Wolfgang stared past Rajan, lost in his own thoughts.

Rajan touched his cheek gently, then stroked his hair. ‘Wolfie, what are you worrying about?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Nothing, I’m fine.’

Rajan gave him a look. ‘No, you’re not.’

He perched on the arm of the char and put his arm around Wolfgang’s shoulders. ‘Come on, my inscrutable German husband, tell me what’s wrong.’

Wolfgang huffed. ‘If I’m so inscrutable, how can you be so sure there’s something wrong?’

Rajan grinned. ‘Practise, my love, practise. Now give, what’s going on in that stubborn head of yours?’ he asked, stroking Wolfgang’s hair again.

Wolfgang hesitated, then felt a warm presence on his other side as Kala, visiting from the living room, slid her arm around him too.

‘Talk to us,’ she murmured and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. He could feel the warmth of her breath on his skin.

‘It’s just … so I can feel what she feels. I feel when she needs me or when something’s wrong or she’s happy or hungry or tired. What if … what if it goes both ways?’

Rajan frowned at him. ‘What do you mean?’

‘What if I’m giving her my nightmares?’

‘Did you have a nightmare last night?’

‘I don’t remember having one but I don’t always.’

‘What does Kala say about it?’

Wolfgang looked at her. ‘What do you think?’

She combed her fingers through his hair. ‘Love, if you were projecting your nightmare, I’d feel it and the rest of the cluster would feel it too.’ She smiled. ‘And you’d have me _and_ Will getting at you to talk about it.’

He smiled slightly. ‘True.’

‘But none of that’s happened. Actually, you’ve hardly any nightmares at all lately.’

‘What did she say?’ asked Rajan as Wolfgang gave a proper smile.

‘She says I haven’t had many nightmares lately and she’s right. I haven’t.’

‘Well, there you are then. Nothing to worry about. And think of it like this. She was upset and she wanted you. Ani knows she is safe with you.’

Wolfgang didn’t say anything but he felt a knot inside him work itself free. He leaned against Rajan’s chest and sighed in contentment.

Rajan held him for a moment, then kissed the top of his head and gave him a squeeze. ‘Come on. With the sensate and friends army we have to feed this morning, I’m going to need your help making breakfast.’

Wolfgang smiled, then followed Rajan out of the nursery already feeling a lot better.

When Wolfgang and Rajan got downstairs, Anika had finished her feed and was clambering over Riley and Zakia’s laps, looking delighted at the attention she was getting. Wolfgang smiled. She was fine. She was a happy kid.

Capheus came in from the balcony, a big grin on his face. ‘Rajan! Wolfgang! Good morning!’ He hugged them both, his usual positivity as infectious as always. ‘It’s a beautiful day.’ He cupped Wolfgang’s cheek and looked at him. ‘Are you all right?’

Wolfgang smiled, patted Capheus’s arm and pulled away. ‘I’m fine. Just been roped in to help Rajan feed all you lot.’

‘Oh, can I help?’ asked Capheus, as though he were asking to be allowed to go to Disneyland.

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Yeah. Sure.’ He glanced around the room. Kwan-Ho was there and he could feel that Sun was on the balcony, smoking. ‘Where’s Will?’

Riley looked up from where she was playing with the baby. ‘He’s gone out for a run. He’s still got a lot on his mind.’ She frowned. ‘He took a blocker.’

‘Oh, I guess he wanted to be alone,’ said Kala.

Wolfgang frowned, still looking at Riley. ‘Is he really all right? Has he … been having nightmares?’

Riley sighed. ‘Not that he’s told me about. You know what he’s like.’

‘Yeah. And he gives _me_ a hard time for not talking,’ Wolfgang grumbled.

Rajan laced their fingers together and tugged him close. ‘This is said with love, Wolfie, but you are worse.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘You can’t break the habit of a lifetime. Now what are we making for breakfast?’

As Rajan started directing him and Capheus in the cooking, Wolfgang let his thoughts wander to Will. He could feel Riley’s worry about him as well and he knew she disliked this whole blocker thing as much as he did. It was too much like when they’d been hunted by Whispers. But they weren’t being hunted now. Everything was fine.

But Wolfgang knew that Will’s mind was partly back in those times. The thing about Will was that he always took responsibility for things on himself. They joked about him being the mom of their cluster but it was true. He always felt like it was his job to look after them and with his new cluster, that feeling was so much worse.

‘Fucking Alois,’ he murmured. _This is all his fucking fault. Him and Whispers._

Rajan glanced at him. ‘Did you say something, my love?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Just talking to myself.’

Capheus put his arm around him and squeezed firmly. ‘We’ve got you, brother,’ he said, giving him one of those smiles. Wolfgang was pretty sure he’d caught some of the thoughts and feelings he’d been having. He appreciated Capheus not making it obvious. He didn’t want Rajan on his case about it.

But he appreciated knowing they were all there for him.


	169. Chapter 169

Will hated lying to his cluster, especially Riley. Normally, they were completely honest with each other, or at least they tried to be. They both found it difficult to confess to the other when something was bothering them but they didn’t ever lie to each other. But he wasn’t sure she would understand this. He was certain Wolfgang wouldn’t, and then they’d all be on at him.

He wanted to find Alois.

He’d taken a blocker and told Riley he just wanted some quiet time to sort his head out. Every single one of them got like that sometimes. It could be difficult sorting your own thoughts out from the crowd when you were eight different people. Even after all these years, it could be a challenge.

He jogged as far as the metro, then took it to Alois’s office. Since Alois seemed to be on blockers, he could easily be hiding in plain sight, where he could keep an eye on them. He thought he probably wasn’t following them because Wolfgang would know but Will was certain he would be watching them somehow.

He reached Alois’s office block and went inside. It was a nice block, modern and expensive. There was a receptionist on the desk; a young, cheery woman with a round face and an easy smile.

‘Good morning, Monsieur. How can I help you?’

‘I’m looking for Alois Ricken. Is he in today?’

‘Oh, I’m sorry but he gave up that office last year. Before Christmas, I think it was.’

‘Oh, I don’t suppose you know where he’s working now.’

‘No idea, I’m afraid. He didn’t leave a forwarding address. He didn’t even come in to give notice. He just left.’

‘Oh, does that mean his stuff is still here? I could collect it for him.’

‘Sorry, I couldn’t authorise giving you access to anything without the owner’s permission.’ She hesitated. ‘Anyway, it’s already gone.’

‘Oh, I suppose you had to throw it out if somebody else moved into that office.’

She bit her lip. ‘Actually,’ she paused and glanced around. ‘Somebody did come to collect it. They looked like they were in National Intelligence or something. All in the same suits and those closed off expressions. They came in a van and took everything away. They had a video of Monsieur Ricken saying they had permission to take his things away. Étrange, n'est-ce pas?’

‘Yeah,’ said Will, feeling cold. ‘Very odd.’

With Capheus helping Rajan with the breakfast, Wolfgang wasn’t really needed. Quietly, he slipped outside onto the balcony to join Sun. Times like this were when he really missed smoking.

She glanced at him and gave him one of her understated smiles. Without speaking, she held out her cigarette to him. He took in, put it to his lips and took in a deep drag. Then he passed it back to her.

‘I’ll limit myself to just that one.’

She nodded and turned back to watching the view. He watched her for a moment, picking up what she was feeling. You couldn’t tell from the outside but she was worried. Not just about Will, though he did feature. Wolfgang could also feel she was concerned about him too, though he knew she would never force him to talk. But there was another worry in there as well, one she wasn’t sure she wanted to talk about it.

He leaned on the rail and looked out over Paris. So many times he had looked out and that view and found comfort in it. He wondered if she did too.

‘Is it something I can help with?’ he asked.

She exhaled a cloud of smoke and glanced at him. ‘I think it might be coming to that.’

‘Oh?’

‘Do you think you could break someone out of prison without being in there?’

‘Is this about Soo-Jin?’

She quirked her eyebrow. ‘How did you know?’

He shrugged. ‘She’s the only person you know in prison except your brother. I doubt you want to break him out. Unless you wanted to try to kill him again. In which case it might be better for him to stay inside so he can’t run away.’

She smiled. ‘True.’ She sighed. ‘Soo-Jin has asked for my help. The way she is treated in there, now she is alone she is not sure she can live that way.’

‘I understand. I’m not sure I could live caged like that.’

She met his gaze. ‘Cages are hard,’ she said.

He smiled a little as he recalled an earlier conversation when she’d said that. He had been thinking of his mama when Sun had joined him, thinking about how hard her life had been. As hard as her cage had been, she hadn’t had the strength or a strong enough will to break out of it. Once he’d been angry with her for that, but no more. He understood the impulse to return to the pain one knew over the possibility of encountering something worse.

Soo-Jin was like his mama, except she’d had the courage and the strength to do something about it. She’d broken out of her cage, even though she’d known it would just put her in a new one.

‘So, a prison break. Sounds like fun,’ he said and grinned.

‘You’re not going to try to persuade me to trust in the law?’

‘I’m not Will. You can’t trust the law.’ He placed his hand on hers. ‘We’ll get her out.’ He grinned. ‘I still have some connections in the criminal underworld.’

She gave him a half-smile and he could feel her gratitude. ‘Thank you.’

He squeezed her hand. She considered him for a moment. ‘I think we should fight later.’

‘I’ll always spar with you but is there a particular reason?’

She gave him a look. ‘You are angry. A fight will help.’

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. There was no point arguing with her. She was always right anyway.

After visiting Alois’s former office, Will didn’t go straight back to the apartment. He was almost certain he wouldn’t be able to find Alois there but he had to go. He had to see Alois’s home.

The house was in a quiet suburban street, quite pretty and moderately expensive. It was a good area and he knew how grateful Anwar was to be able to stay there. Though he knew he felt strange about it too.

Will stopped and sat on a nearby wall, just looking at the house. He knew Anwar wouldn’t feel him there, because of the blocker. Guilt formed a knot in his stomach when he thought of the rest of his children. He should have protected them. It had been his job to keep them all safe and he’d failed. He should have seen what Alois was. He should have done something about it. He should have helped him.

The front door of the house opened suddenly and Will stumbled to his feet as Anwar stepped out of the house and looked at him.

‘Will? What are you doing there? Please, come in.’

Will hesitated but Anwar beckoned him, with a friendly smile and Will made his way over. When he reached him, Anwar put his arms around him and hugged him.

‘It is so good to see you, Will.’

Will smiled. ‘You only saw me yesterday.’

‘Nevertheless, it is good to see you. Come in. I will make you a coffee.’

‘I shouldn’t say long.’

‘There’s always time for a drink.’

Will followed him inside, feeling warm. Anwar was so full of kindness. He watched him make a pot of coffee. While it was brewing, Will glanced around. He could see very little of Alois here, though Anwar had put a few of his own touches into the place. There were books, both factual and fictional, and the boys’ toys in a row of neat plastic boxes against one wall in the living room. There were pictures of the boys too, in plain wooden frames around the room.

On the mantlepiece was a small silver frame. Inside was a somewhat crumpled picture of a woman, with a smiling face and kind eyes. Will felt a pull in his chest as he looked at her and he knew she was Anwar’s wife.

He looked at him. ‘I know how much you miss her.’

Anwar looked at him, then past him at the picture. ‘She was the love of my life. I cannot even describe how much I miss her. But I am lucky that I can see her spirit every day in our sons.’

‘They’re a credit to you. They’re good boys.’ He glanced down, his chest aching. He doubted he would ever have a baby with Riley. Fathering his cluster had been his chance and he’d messed it up. He’d failed them all.

He felt Anwar’s gaze on him and he looked up to see the younger man looking at him. He gave Will a soft, sympathetic smile.

‘It wasn’t your fault, Will,’ he said, gently. ‘He took us all in. That is on him, not you.’

‘Do you think … he could be helped? Maybe he could be made better.’

Anwar shook his head sadly. ‘I do not like to deny someone a second chance but … when you deliberately hurt someone as he did to Elin and when you … try to destroy a person just for amusement …’ He trailed off and took a breath. ‘To give a person like that a second chance, is to only give them a second chance to hurt.’

Will nodded. Logically, he knew that and he accepted it, but it made him sad. So sad.


	170. Chapter 170

It was turning into a beautiful day so after breakfast, everybody went up to the terrace to enjoy the sunshine. Lito, Hernando and Dani came over and Nomi kept visiting to join in, even though she was out seeing the sights with Amanita and the kids.

Capheus, Zakia, Lito and Hernando were the first in the pool, doing more laughing, splashing about and kissing than swimming. When she saw everyone else having fun, Anika demanded she get in the pool too, so Kala took her in, while Rajan was busy playing host. Everybody in the pool took turns playing water games with the baby and each other. They were loud and joyful and the sound calmed Will a little.

Dani and Mun were both content to lie on the sun loungers and soak up the heat and light of the sun. It wasn’t scorching, just pleasantly warm. Riley joined them, though she made sure to put sunblock on first. She could burn in Iceland.

Will knew she was also keeping a not so surreptitious eye on him. He sat upright on one of the reclining patio chairs, staring blankly at the scene in front of him.

Wolfgang and Sun were fighting. Well, sparring. They often did that, whether they were physically around each other or not. Will joined in sometimes but he didn’t feel the need for it in the same way as they did. For them, it wasn’t just about keeping fit or keeping their fighting skills intact. For them, it was an emotional need.

Will watched them circle each other. From the outside, Wolfgang looked completely calm and in control, but Will could feel something else on the inside. It was like a bubble inside him, swelling suddenly, then bursting when he pushed it down, only to rise up again. Every time Will reached for it, Wolfgang pushed it away, insistent that Will didn’t see.

But Will had seen it and it hurt. It was anger and he knew where it was directed.

Wolfgang rocked on the balls of his feet, grinned and lunged forward. Sun sidestepped him with a smile of her own, easily blocking the punch that came her way.

‘You’re holding back,’ she said.

‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ he said, as they circled again.

She smirked. ‘Do you think you could?’

Within a second, they were fighting properly, moving almost too fast to follow but neither gaining the upper hand. Until, Wolfgang kicked out and Sun curled her foot around his leg and tripped him. In a second, she was on him, pinning him down.

‘Fuck,’ he muttered.

She grinned down at him. ‘Give?’

‘No way,’ he said, struggling against her strong grip.

She laughed. ‘You sure?’

He took advantage of her millisecond of distraction and pushed forward, getting out from under her.

They reset, going back to circling each other.

Rajan came upstairs from fetching more drinks and frowned. ‘What are they doing?’

‘Sparring,’ said Will. ‘It seems to help them.’

Rajan winced as Sun caught Wolfgang a blow to his jaw. ‘Sun, try not to break my husband.’

‘Too late,’ said Wolfgang, in an odd, strained kind of way.

Rajan watched for a moment, then turned to Will. ‘Everything okay?’

Will looked up at him. ‘Oh, he’ll be fine. They won’t really hurt each other.’

Rajan shook his head. ‘I meant you, Will.’

Will shifted uncomfortably as he felt Riley’s gaze on him. ‘I’m fine,’ he said, hearing the defensive edge to his voice.

‘No you’re not,’ said Riley, just to him. ‘You just won’t talk to us about it.’

‘I’ll talk about it later,’ he said aloud.

Rajan chuckled softly. ‘Just like Wolfie. Why talk now when you can just put it off forever?’

‘Hey,’ Wolfgang started to complain.

 _Crack_.

‘Uh, fuck,’ he grunted.

Will looked over and saw blood on Wolfgang’s nose and lip.

‘Oh, fuck sorry,’ said Sun. ‘I thought you would block.’

Wolfgang’s hand went to his nose and came away bloody. He blinked hard a few times and Will felt a wave of dizziness from him.

‘You okay, love?’ Rajan asked.

Wolfgang glanced at him, then past him at the others, who were watching and held up his hand. ‘I’m good.’ He reached out to squeeze Sun’s arm in forgiveness, then turned to the door to the inside. ‘I’ll go clean up.’ He grinned. ‘That’ll teach me to get distracted by hot guys talking about me.’

Rajan laughed softly. ‘A recurrent problem for you, I feel.’

Wolfgang just grinned and headed inside.

Will looked up at Rajan. ‘He’s angry. Maybe you could help.’

Rajan frowned. ‘He’s not angry at Sun, is he? If he’s going to spar with her, he should know what is going to happen.’

Will shook his head, feeling a tightness in his chest. ‘No, he’s angry about this whole Alois thing. I think...’ He swallowed. ‘I think he’s angry with me.’

Rajan patted his shoulder. ‘I’m sure that’s not it, but I’ll go and talk to him.’

Will nodded then sat back in his seat. Riley laced her fingers through his. ‘You don’t really think he’s angry with you, do you?’

Will shrugged. ‘I can feel him thinking about me, then he feels angry.’

‘I’m sure that’s not it,’ Riley said, squeezing his hand.

Sun came over. There was a small bruise appearing on her left shoulder, where Wolfgang had gripped her to flip her at some point. This wasn’t the first time they’d got each other bruised and bloody during a fight and it probably wouldn’t be the last. They both knew the risks they took. Will knew that the worry he could feel from her wasn’t about that.

She sat down, next to Riley on her sun lounger and looked hard at him. ‘Why would Wolfgang be angry with you, Will?’

Will shrugged, not wanting to answer. Riley squeezed his hand. ‘Come on, Will,’ she murmured.

Sun laid her hand on his knee and squeezed.

‘Tell us,’ she said in that no nonsense tone.

He took a deep breath. He could feel the others paying close attention to the conversation too but they didn’t visit or say anything.

He looked at Sun. ‘Because it’s all my fault. Everything that Alois did, the people he hurt. It’s my fault.’ His voice broke and he winced. He tried to swallow down his tears. ‘I should have stopped him. I should have protected them.’


	171. Chapter 171

Wolfgang stepped into the ensuite bathroom off the main bedroom and looked at himself in the mirror. His nose was bloody but not swollen. There was a cut on his lip but that was it. There was no real damage. He started to fill the sink with warm water so he could wash his face.

Rajan, still in his swimming trunks, came into the bathroom and Wolfgang smiled carefully at him. It only hurt a little. ‘I guess this is what I get for allowing myself to get distracted when I’m fighting Sun. She’s got one hell of a right hook.’

Rajan leaned against the counter and watched as he started to clean up. ‘She has. Are you all right?’

Wolfgang glanced at him, frowning. ‘It’s just a bloody nose, Raj. I’ve had a lot worse. It’s not even broken.’

‘I didn’t mean that.’

Wolfgang grabbed the towel and patted his now-clean face dry. ‘What did you mean?’ he said, putting the towel down and folding his arms across his chest. He recognised that his body language was defensive, but he couldn’t help it.

He could see Rajan getting into patient mode. ‘Will says you’re angry.’

Wolfgang looked away. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Don’t start that, love,’ said Rajan, the sternness of his voice tempered by the endearment.

Wolfgang sighed. ‘Okay, fine. I’m angry. But I’m dealing with it and you don’t have to worry. That’s why Sun and I were sparring. It helps.’

‘Okay, so good that you’re handling it. But I think you and Will need to talk. Why are you even angry with Will anyway?’

Wolfgang frowned. ‘Will? I’m not angry with Will. Is that what he thinks?’

Rajan shrugged. ‘That’s what said. That you think of him and you feel angry.’

Wolfgang let out a breath and shook his head. ‘Yeah because I’m fucking furious that bastard hurt Will, and I wish I’d fucking killed him.’

Rajan arched his eyebrow at Wolfgang’s outburst.

Wolfgang stopped and took a deep breath. ‘But like I said, I’m working on it.’

Rajan studied him, frowning a little, then visibly relaxed. ‘Okay, it sounds like you are handling it.’ He took a step towards Wolfgang and pulled him into a tight hug, his bare skin warm and still a little wet from the pool. ‘Are you sure I don’t need to worry about you?’

Wolfgang grinned at him. ‘No more than usual.’

Rajan chuckled, shaking his head. He pulled back a little and tenderly touched Wolfgang’s nose. ‘You sure that’s all right?’

‘Yeah, though I might have a bruise in the morning.’

‘It’ll make you faster next time,’ said Sun next to him all of a sudden.

He grinned at her. ‘You do make me faster.’ He hesitated. ‘Is Will okay?’

She looked off to one side. ‘You’d better come and talk to him.’

‘Be right there.’

He looked at Rajan, who was watching his half of the conversation with interest. ‘We’d better get back up there. It’s not me that needs worrying about.’

Rajan sighed. ‘I know. It’s Will.’

Will closed his eyes as Riley put her arms around him and kissed his cheek. His face was wet with tears and it was difficult to breathe steadily. He didn’t want to let his feelings come out in front of everybody but he knew he couldn’t stop it.

Sun was sitting beside him on the lounger, her shoulder touching his. ‘Wolfgang is coming to talk to you.’

‘I know.’

‘He’s not angry with you, Will,’ said Kala, visiting from the pool.

‘That’s what he says,’ said Will.

Lito squeezed his shoulder. ‘If he were angry with you, he wouldn’t hold back.’

Capheus gave him a warm smile. ‘None of it was your fault.’

‘We have to hold Alois completely responsible,’ said Nomi, sternly. ‘He’s the one who chose to hurt others. You did nothing wrong.’

Wolfgang stepped outside, followed by Rajan. His gaze immediately met Will’s, then he glanced at the others.

‘Give us a minute,’ he said.

Sun got up, looked Wolfgang over, then gave a satisfied nod and went to sit on the edge of the pool, dangling her legs in the water and watching the others in the pool. Riley looked between Will and Wolfgang, then went to join Sun. Everybody else, who had only been visiting, left too.

Rajan hesitated too, then went back to the pool.

Wolfgang sat on lounger opposite Will and looked at him quietly for a moment. Then he took a deep breath. ‘What’s going on with you, Will?’ he asked softly.

Will looked away. ‘I can feel your anger every time you think about me. I know it must have brought up some things and I’m sorry. I should have listened to you then nobody would have got hurt.’

Wolfgang looked at him in silence for a moment, then smiled. ‘Will … I’m angry for you, not at you. Because that bastard hurt you too and I could kill him for that.’

Will blinked at him. ‘You’re not angry with me?’

‘Will, people like Alois … they take advantage of people like you.’

‘People like me?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘People who want to think the best of others. Look, Will, people like Alois, they know how to get to you, how to manipulate people to get what you want. Yeah, so he took you in at first. That’s on him, not you.’

‘Yeah, I guess you’re right.’

Wolfgang reached out and laid his hand on top of Will’s. ‘It’s not your fault, Will. None of it. It’s Alois’s. And he’s going to pay for it. If I ever see him again.’

Will smiled. ‘Don’t let Kala hear you say that.’

‘I heard it,’ said Kala, visiting from the pool.

Wolfgang shook his head, smiling. The next moment, the whole cluster was there visiting.

‘You went somewhere particular on your run, didn’t you?’ Wolfgang asked, making everybody look at Will.

Will sighed. Wolfgang always knew things like this. His past made him perceptive. Will rubbed the back of his head. ‘Yeah.’ He glanced at Riley. ‘You’re not going to be happy but I went to try to find Alois.’

Immediately, he felt the tension in the cluster as every single member gave him their complete attention. Riley bit her lip.

‘But you didn’t find him?’

‘No, no sign of him. I talked with Anwar but he hasn’t seen any sign of him either.’ He frowned, remembering suddenly what he’d found out at Alois’s office. ‘I went to his office. The receptionist said these people came to collect his things. She described identical suits and closed off expressions. They even came in a van. Who does that sound like to you?’

The others stared at him, all lost for words. It was Nomi who found her voice first. She took her glasses off and rubbed her nose before meeting Will’s gaze.

‘BPO,’ she said. 


	172. Chapter 172

_In the dark  
And I'm right on the middle mark  
I'm just in the tier of everything  
That rides below the surface  
And I watch from a distance seventeen  
And I'm short of the others dreams  
Of being golden and on top  
It's not what you painted in my head  
There's so much there instead of all the colours that I saw_

He woke to the same darkness as usual. His sleep mask still snugly in place over his eyes, he reached out blindly. The tips of his fingers made contact with the smooth glass and he carefully curled his fingers around it, making sure he had a secure grip before he lifted it. He brought it to his mouth and took a sip before reaching out blindly again, this time with his other hand.

He closed his fingers around the smooth capsule before bringing it to his lips.

‘I wish you didn’t have to do this,’ said Ren, their voice a murmur close to him. He wished he could look at them but it had been years now. He couldn’t risk letting _him_ see where they were. He took the blocker, swallowing a mouthful of water to help it go down. After all these years, this should be easy but it never got easier.

‘You know he has to,’ said Livia. ‘He’s connected.’ She kissed his lips softly, her fingers gentle and barely-there against his cheek. When the blocker took effect, both of them will disappear.

_Oh, we all are living in a dream  
But life ain't what it seems  
Oh, everything's a mess_

He knew he was deceiving himself. They weren’t there at all, just in his mind, and when they blocker took effect, he will be left with that reality. They are both dead.

Ren held his hand. He remembered how strong their hands were in life, from years of playing the piano. Their hand felt so weak now in comparison, barely there at all.

_And all these sorrows I have seen  
They lead me to believe  
That everything's a mess_

He didn’t like to think about what had happened to them. He knew it was partly his fault. He would have given his life for both of them but he’d been too slow and not clever enough.

_But I wanna dream_  
I wanna dream  
Leave me to dream

If only he could stay here, the sleep mask hiding his surroundings from view and just be with them. But no, he had to get up. He had to get on with his day, each day and every day. He had to do it for the others.

He felt the moment the blocker kicked in. One moment, Ren and Livia were holding his hand, the next they were both gone and he was alone.

No, not alone. He had the others to help.

Before the blocker kicked in, he had felt that Sabrina and Amara were already awake and starting on breakfast. They didn’t need the blockers because they’d never made eye contact with _him_. They were safe. They could still see Ren and Livia whenever they wanted. They could feel each other, as intensely and completely as always. He was glad they had each other, of course, but he couldn’t help being a little jealous.

At last, he pulled the sleep mask off and got up. He got dressed then went through to the second bedroom. He lingered at the doorway, hesitating over going inside. It was always hard to look at Oscar. He used to be so full of life, almost wild. He and Ren were alike that way. But now, well he was neither wild nor full of life.

From here, if he ignores the machinery, Oscar could be sleeping. His pale face looks so peaceful and his black hair is almost artfully tousled. He could just picture slipping into bed with him and feeling those strong arms go around him. He could almost feel the softness of his kisses and the firmness of his grip on his hips as he pulled him close.

But it wasn’t real. It was just a memory.

He stepped closer, careful and cautious. He always felt like he could accidentally hurt him if he wasn’t careful. It was difficult to reconcile the two versions of Oscar he had in his head. One was what his real self, that laughing, happy young man with those sparkling blue eyes. That person was strong, vibrant and fiercely intelligent. Oscar had a romantic soul and liked to write poetry, like his namesake. He smiled as he thought of all the times they’d spent lying on the grass gazing up at the blue sky or the stars at night, talking about poetry.

But now all he could do was lie there with his eyes closed. He did wake sometimes but he still didn’t seem to see anything.

He took a deep breath and stepped closer to Oscar. He smoothed that silky black hair back from his pale forehead and leaned down to kiss his head. He breathed in the scent of him. Beneath the scent of the coconut shampoo they used and the smell of illness, he could just detect that indescribable scent that was the real Oscar. Like everything else about him, it was now just an echo of who he had been.

He heard the floor creak behind him and he straightened, feeling like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

Sabrina came up behind him. ‘It is so sad, isn’t it?’ she said, softly.

He swallowed down the sob which threatened to burst out of him. ‘I just wish I could do something.’

Sabrina put her arms around him. ‘Dolcezza, I think we can just keep him safe, as long as we can.’

He put his arm around her, holding her close against him. At least he still had her, and Amara. The three of them had been through so much together and they weren’t ever going to abandon each other.

Sabrina hugged him, then took his hand. ‘Come on. Amara says ‘if you and Erik don’t get your asses in here right now, you ain’t getting any breakfast.’

Erik laughed as Sabrina gave her pitch-perfect impression of her girlfriend. She was probably the only person in the world who could get away with that.

‘All right, Mar, I’m coming,’ he said to her, knowing that Amara could see him through Sabrina, even though he couldn’t see her.

Will floated in the water, feeling calm and peaceful. He could feel the others around him, all having fun splashing about or swimming in the pool. Wolfgang had been doing lengths, dodging around Lito and Hernando messing about with just a smile.

Will was relieved to feel how much calmer he was now. Apparently getting hit in the face by Sun helped him with his anger.

Sun was in the pool too, though she wasn’t swimming. She was at the side of the pool, half leaning and half floating, looking fairly blissful.

Capheus kept alternating between swirling about in the water with Zakia and swimming with Wolfgang. Will felt how much he loved the water.

He felt Riley swimming up to him and he shifted upright and welcomed her into his embrace. She looked carefully at him, combing her fingers through his wet hair.

‘It feels like you’re feeling better,’ she said, softly.

‘Yeah,’ he murmured, nuzzling into her. Her wet skin was soft and smooth against his cheek.

‘Tonight will help too,’ she said.

He grinned at her. ‘Oh, yeah. It’s your show tonight.’ He flexed his bicep. ‘Do you want me to provide security?’

She laughed. ‘If you like, though I think you’d have more fun dancing. I think it will be good for you.’ She glanced over at Wolfgang. He’d stopped swimming and had joined his spouses and daughter as they splashed and played in the water. ‘I think it’ll help all of us.’ She looked to her other side. ‘Nomi, are you coming tonight?’

Nomi, out sightseeing with the kids, tucked her hair behind her ears. ‘We want to but it depends on the kids.’

‘Oma will look after them,’ said Kala, visiting to join the conversation.

‘Sometimes they get too anxious to be left,’ said Nomi. ‘So it all depends on how they feel.’ She smiled. ‘But don’t worry. If I can’t leave them, I’ll still visit to dance.’

‘I cannot wait to dance!’ declared Lito. ‘It feels like years since I had a good dance.’

Dani giggled. ‘Lito, you were dancing on the bed this morning.’

Wolfgang smirked. ‘Be fair, Dani. An hour without dancing is torture for Lito.’

Lito pretended to pout then started to laugh. Will grinned, feeling calm and happy inside. Everything was all right because he had his cluster. 


	173. Chapter 173

Everybody, including Oma and Felix, came over for dinner before they headed out to Riley’s gig. Nomi and Amanita were hopeful they would be able to come because Melika and Konani seemed really comfortable with Oma. Wolfgang smiled as he watched the kids playing while Rajan and Kala made dinner. Technically, he was in charge of Anika but she was only interested in playing with Melika and Konani, with Oma joining in from her seat on the sofa beside them.

He could feel the low-level worry across his cluster and he knew they were all thinking about BPO and Alois. Wolfgang wasn’t, or rather he was trying not to. He didn’t want to give all that any space in his head. He didn’t understand why Will wanted to find that psychotic bastard. In Wolfgang’s opinion, the best thing they could do was pretend he had never existed.

‘Aren’t you gonna talk about it?’ asked Amanita suddenly. She looked around at them. ‘Or are you all doing it in your heads without telling us?’

‘What’s there to talk about?’ asked Wolfgang.

Will frowned at him. ‘Isn’t it obvious? We need to decide what we’re going to do.’

Wolfgang looked at him. ‘Do about what?’

Will looked around at the others. ‘Is he for real?’

Kala and Rajan came over, clearly sensing a potential argument.

Wolfgang glanced across at Anika, who was still happily playing, and took a deep breath. He had to stay calm.

‘I just think we should stay away from him.’

Kala rested her hand on his shoulder. ‘Don’t you think it might be a good idea to find out what he’s doing?’

‘I don’t give a …’ With effort, he stopped himself swearing. ‘I don’t care what he’s doing. I just want him to stay away from us.’

‘If he has formed an alliance with BPO, it might be prudent for us to know,’ said Sun.

‘River would never allow that to happen,’ said Nomi, certainly.

‘She might not know,’ said Capheus. He looked around at them all. ‘It’s not easy to eliminate corruption, no matter who you are.’

‘Alois is very charming,’ said Riley. ‘She’s not going to know what he’s really like.’

‘She’s shrewd,’ said Hernando. ‘She will be able to see through someone like him.’

‘She didn’t know about Dacian,’ said Wolfgang.

There was silence as they all remembered that. That had been the last time BPO had hurt them. It had nearly brought Whispers back again, nearly taken Wolfgang and Will away. But River had helped them then. She would again.

Lito sighed. ‘I still mourn that shirt.’

Wolfgang smirked. ‘At least you learned never to wear white silk to a gunfight.’

The tension broken, Will let out a breath. ‘All right, so what are we going to do. We can’t just do nothing.’ He glanced at Wolfgang. ‘What if he is up to something?’

Wolfgang opened his mouth to reply but Will interrupted.

‘And don’t tell me you don’t care as long as he stays away from us. You do care.’

Wolfgang clenched his jaw. Yeah, Will was right. He did care. He just didn’t want to care.

‘I suppose Sun is right,’ he said, looking over at her. ‘If he has managed to form an alliance with someone at BPO, we need to know about it.’

‘Then we can warn them,’ said Kala. ‘River will listen to us.’

‘River cares about protecting Sensates more than anything else,’ said Nomi. ‘If he is doing something inside BPO, she’ll help us.’

‘I guess the only question now is, who goes?’

‘I’m not afraid of BPO anymore,’ said Kala. ‘I’ll go.’

‘Absolutely not,’ said Wolfgang.

Kala rolled her eyes. ‘It’s not like the old days, love. There’s nothing to be afraid of.’

‘I don’t want you going anywhere near Alois. You’re not connected to him.’

‘We don’t even know if he’s there,’ said Kala. ‘We don’t even know for sure if it was really BPO who took his things away.’

‘I don’t care. You’re not going.’ Even as he said the words, he felt Kala’s temper flare and he clenched his jaw.

‘Oh, I’m not? Has my lord and master forbidden it?’

‘All right, don’t start,’ said Rajan. ‘He’s just protective of you.’

Wolfgang stood up and looked at Kala. ‘I’m not letting you put yourself in harm’s way.’

‘Letting me?! What makes you think you can stop me?’

Wolfgang glared at her. ‘If you think I’m going to let you put yourself in danger for no damn reason…’

‘Stop it you two,’ said Oma, sternly.

Wolfgang bit his lip and glanced round at her.

She was giving him his best stern look. ‘Arguing isn’t going to help anyone. Now, sit down.’

Felix, who had been watching the conversation with some confusion, stepped over to him and tugged him back down. ‘Yeah, pack it in, Wolfie.’

Rajan put his arm around Kala’s shoulders. ‘I agree with Wolfie. There’s no point putting you in possible danger. Think about Anika.’ 

‘It does make sense for only those already connected to Alois to go,’ said Nomi, sensibly. ‘So that’s Will and Wolfgang.’

Kala huffed and sat down next to Wolfgang. ‘That’s still putting them in danger. Possibly.’

‘They can handle themselves,’ said Sun. ‘And we’ll be connected, just in case. So we will all be there.’

‘I don’t know why you’re all talking like you expect trouble,’ said Will. ‘Alois doesn’t want to hurt us.’

Wolfgang visited him, just so he could say what he wanted without the children overhearing. ‘Will, don’t be so fucking naïve. Alois doesn’t give a shit about any of us, including you and including his own cluster. He just does what he wants.’

‘Wolfgang, do you have to be so blunt about it,’ admonished Kala.

Wolfgang glanced at her, then back at Will. ‘If we meet him, you have to remember that, Will. Remember who he is.’

Will blinked at him, tears in his eyes. ‘I just want everything to be all right.’

‘Well, it’s not going to be. Not with him.’ He reached out and squeezed his shoulder. ‘You have to protect them.’

‘Wolfgang’s right,’ said Riley. ‘We have to think of the others now.’

‘Maybe we’ll be wrong,’ said Capheus, full of optimism as always. ‘Maybe he won’t be there and he just hired someone to pick up his things.’

Wolfgang smiled at Capheus. ‘You never know.’

‘Is that it? Is it sorted now?’ asked Felix. ‘Because I’m fucking starving.’

Oma elbowed him in the ribs. ‘What your language around the children, please.’

Wolfgang rolled his eyes. After all the effort he’d make not to swear himself. He looked round at Rajan. ‘Is it nearly ready? He only swears more when he’s hungry.’

Rajan smiled, laying his hand on Wolfgang’s shoulder for a moment. His touch was warm and gentle and settled Wolfgang’s insides somewhat. ‘Sure, give me five minutes.’

He pulled away and Wolfgang let his head fall back against the sofa. Kala shuffled up closer to him. She leaned against him and he put his arms around her.

‘You will be careful, won’t you?’ she asked. ‘I don’t want anything to happen to you either, you know.’

He glanced at her, then kissed her softly. ‘I know. I’ll be careful.’

In truth, he didn’t want to think about it. He could only hope that Alois wouldn’t be there and that BPO had nothing to do with any of this. He wanted the Alois stuff to be over, once and for all. He never wanted to see that bastard ever again as long as he lived.


	174. Chapter 174

Music had always been the thing which had brought the cluster together. No matter what was going on music, especially music closed by Riley, made them all feel happy, bonded and as one. There was nothing else like it.

The whole cluster, their partners and Felix all managed to come. The children were all happily at the flat with Oma, playing games with the monitor on sleeping Anika. Oma would get the older ones to bed when they were ready.

Wolfgang found it harder than he had expected to leave his daughter but, on the way to the club, he suddenly found himself standing next to her cot. He grinned. She was fast asleep and perfectly content.

He returned to Kala and put his arm around her shoulders. ‘I just visited Anika.’

Kala smiled. ‘She really is a sensate, isn’t she? I wonder why we never connected with anyone before our rebirth.’

‘Probably never met another one. But Will did.’

‘Of course!’ said Kala. ‘Sara.’ She looked ahead at Will, who was walking with his head down.

Wolfgang frowned. He was certain that part of the reason why Will had connected so early with another Sensate was his empathetic nature. He’d been the first of them to feel that connection and it had always seemed the easiest for him. Wolfgang wondered whether that was part of the reason why he found it so hard to cut himself off from Alois. It wasn’t just that he had birthed his cluster; he felt all their emotions so strongly.

Well, tomorrow they were going to go to BPO and sort that out. Then that would be an end to it.

‘Do you ever think about what her cluster might be like?’ asked Kala.

Wolfgang looked at her. She was smiling dreamily.

‘Where they could be from, what kind of people they are. Maybe she’s going to fall in love with someone in her cluster.’

Wolfgang couldn’t think about that. All he could think about was, what if one of his daughter’s cluster was like Whispers or Alois?

‘If any of them ever hurt her,’ he said, aware of how hard his voice had become. ‘I’ll kill them.’

He felt Kala look at him but he didn’t look back. They had reached the club and now it was time to focus on having fun together as a cluster. Everything else could wait.

_Will closes his eyes and lets the music wash over him. This is what he needs. This is what they all need. Just to forget everything and experience the cluster, being together and becoming one._

_Riley is up on the stage but also with them. She is next to him and he can feel the way the music takes over her too, brings her to the rest of them._

_Nomi is absorbed with her wife, taking the opportunity to just be together, dance with her and hold her close. Will can feel their love for each other, wrapped around them like a blanket. Amanita’s gentle smile sends sparkles through Nomi, as strong and bright as ever._

_Capheus is full of the joy of the dancing. He moves with Zakia without thought, both responding purely to the music. Her smile is bright and happy and Will feels what Capheus feels when he looks at her. Pure joy centred around her._

_When they dance, Sun lets herself go. He loves to feel her release her control and give into the pure emotional surrounding her. Dancing and sex are the only times she allows herself to be completely uncontrolled. He feels her smile as Kwan-Ho becomes so into watching her that he forgets to dance himself. He loves seeing this side of her. It makes him fall in love with her all over again._

_Lito doesn’t need an excuse to let loose. His dancing is wild and joyful, like Capheus’s. He twirls Hernando in his arms as Dani dances close to them. Will smiles as he notices that Felix is trying to dance with her. Dani is pretending not to notice, but she’s smiling slightly._

_Wolfgang and Kala are completely absorbed in each other and in Rajan. There is no space between them as they dance together, exchanging kisses and smiles. Will knows there is still a problem between him and Wolfgang but right now it doesn’t matter. They are one cluster, a shared soul and nothing else matters._

_Wolfgang looks at him and smiles. He can’t be upset with him when he feels this good. He reaches out, takes Will’s hands and pulls him into their triad. Although Riley is with him, she’s also up there on the stage, a little apart from them and he needs the physical presence of his cluster right now. He knows he is lost. He knows his emotions are getting the better of his logic and he has to reign himself in, get a grip on himself. It hurts but he knows he has to do it._

_He turns into Wolfgang. ‘I can’t do it alone.’_

_Wolfgang’s eyes blaze as he looks back at him and his expression is tight. But Will can feel the fierce love he has for him, for the rest of the cluster and for the other cluster. He will protect them, no matter what and Will knows he has to too._

_That was what Angelica told him._ Protect them. _That is what Will has to do._

_Back at the flat, everybody goes to their separate bedrooms but, in their minds, they are together. Energised by the music, they are full of love for each other and they know they need that togetherness._

_Will focuses on Riley, tugging her close and kissing her soft, warm mouth. Her hand cupped the back of his neck, holding him close and returning his kiss with eager heat. This is their comfort. Like music, they all connect through sex, the most heightened of sensations._

_Settle down with me  
Cover me up  
Cuddle me in_

_Lie down with me, yeah  
And hold me in your arms_

_Sun pushes Kwan-Ho to the bed beneath her and laughs as his eyes light up in delight at her. She loves that someone looks at her like that, as if she is the most wonderful thing in the world._

_And your heart's against my chest  
Your lips pressed to my neck  
I'm falling for your eyes  
But they don't know me yet_

_Hernando grabs Lito’s ass in a fierce, possessive grip and Lito’s heart beats faster. He gives himself to Hernando completely. He meets his mouth in a hard kiss as Dani kisses their shoulders in turn._

_And with a feeling I'll forget  
I'm in love now_

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved  
You wanna be loved  
You wanna be loved_

_Capheus kisses Zakia, slipping his hand beneath her skirt and spreading his fingers across her smooth, thick thigh. A thrill goes through him as he knows that those strong, beautiful thighs will soon be wrapped around him._

_This feels like falling in love  
Falling in love  
Falling in love_

_Settle down with me  
And I'll be your safety  
You'll be my lady_

_I was made to keep your body warm  
But I'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms_

_Nomi buries herself in Amanita’s warmth, nuzzling against her heat and feeling her shudder in delight against her. Amanita’s fingers grasp her shoulders, then scratch satisfying against her skin, digging in as pleasure throbs through her body._

_My heart's against your chest  
Your lips pressed to my neck  
I'm falling for your eyes  
But they don't know me yet_

_And with this feeling I'll forget  
I'm in love now_

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved  
You wanna be loved  
You wanna be loved_

_Wolfgang is caught between both his lovers, their kisses sending trails of heat across his body. He pushes into them, unable to decide which of them he wants to lose himself in. He doesn’t have to choose. He never has to choose._

_This feels like falling in love  
Falling in love  
Falling in love_

_Yeah I've been feeling everything  
From hate to love  
From love to lust  
From lust to truth  
I guess that's how I know you  
So I hold you close to help you give it up_

_So kiss me like you wanna be loved  
You wanna be loved  
You wanna be loved_

_This feels like falling in love_  
Falling in love  
Falling in love

_In Riley’s fervent kiss, Will can feel Wolfgang’s fierce passion for his lovers, for all of them. As Wolfgang slides inside Kala, she can feel Nomi’s mouth on her, kissing and licking and nuzzling. As Zakia’s legs wrap around him, Capheus can feel Sun’s thrilling strength as she pins Kwan-Ho beneath her and rides him in shameless delight._

_As Rajan pushes into Wolfgang, he can feel Hernando inside him as he fucks Lito into the mattress. Sun is with Riley as she lowers herself onto Will, their gazes locked together. Lito turns his head to kiss Dani and he is kissing Kala, her warmth and softness a contrast to Hernando’s rough passion._

_Will reaches deliberately for Wolfgang, lacing their hands together as they lose themselves in pleasure. Wolfgang grips his hand tight, then leans in and kisses him._

_‘You’re not alone,’ he whispers. His voice is fierce, yet tender and Will trusts that he is right._

_The cluster slips together, flitting between visiting and being there. It is impossible to tell which as sensations melt together, sliding over each other’s bodies. It is impossible to tell who is who and it doesn’t matter. They are all one._


	175. Chapter 175

That morning, Wolfgang gave in to his urge to smoke. They were heading off to BPO soon and he was desperately trying to keep calm. He slipped out onto the balcony as everyone was clearing up after breakfast and leaned against the railing to have just one cigarette.

He was only halfway through when he heard the door open again behind him. He glanced around and saw Rajan stepping outside. He came up beside him and leaned on the railing beside him.

‘How are you feeling?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Coping.’

Rajan indicated the cigarette. ‘I can see.’

‘I think this qualifies as extreme circumstances, don’t you?’

He sighed. ‘Do you really think Alois might be collaborating with BPO? I mean, they’re not the same as they were.’

‘There are always going to be people who are afraid of us. BPO was infiltrated before. It can always happen again.’ He paused to take another drag of his cigarette. ‘And I wouldn’t put anything past Alois.’

‘Why can’t everybody get along,’ said Kala, suddenly leaning against him.

Wolfgang put his arm around her. He could feel her warmth and her soft hair tickled his chin as he kissed her head. ‘Some people are born bad,’ he said.

Rajan looked sharply at him. ‘I think I should come with you,’ he said, using that stern tone of his.

Wolfgang refocused his attention on Rajan, though he was aware of Kala still visiting. ‘You should stay here, where it’s safe. Will and I will be fine.’

‘You and Will are both … emotional about Alois. In different ways but still.’

Wolfgang pulled a face but didn’t say anything. He finished his cigarette and stubbed it out.

‘I just think it would be a good idea for someone who isn’t quite so emotional about it to go with you and keep you calm.’

‘I don’t need babysitting.’

‘I didn’t say you did but I think having someone there who doesn’t share emotions might be a good idea. It’s just you’re all such emotional people. You and Kala…’

Kala folded her arms across her chest. ‘What is he trying to say?’

‘I’d quit while you’re ahead, Raj,’ said Wolfgang, with a slight smile. ‘Kala’s here.’

Rajan huffed. ‘I wish you two would warn me when you’re doing that. I can’t keep up.’

‘Well, this way I know what he’s saying about me behind my back.’

‘Can you two stop having an argument via me? I’m stressed enough,’ snapped Wolfgang.

They both fell silent. Rajan put his hands on Wolfgang’s shoulders. ‘Right, I’m definitely coming with you now and I can keep you calm.’ He smiled. ‘Anyway, if there’s a fight it’ll give me a chance to use those self-defence moves you’ve been teaching me for the past five years.’

Wolfgang smiled a little. ‘True. But if Alois is involved it probably won’t be that kind of fight. More … manipulation.’

‘In that case, you definitely need me with you. I’m an expert in coping with manipulative people after growing up with my father.’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘All right, come then.’

As Rajan’s hands dropped from his shoulders, Wolfgang took hold of one of them and squeezed. ‘Thanks,’ he murmured.

Rajan squeezed his hand back. ‘That’s what I’m here for, my love.’

Kala slipped her arms around his waist and held him tight. ‘So am I.’

He smiled. ‘I know.’

Will brought a cup of coffee over to where Riley was sitting. She smiled up at him as she took it.

‘Thanks,’ she said warmly. ‘Are you not having one?’

He kissed her cheek before he sat down opposite her. ‘Nah, too nervous.’

Her eyebrows rose and she gave him a half-grin. ‘And here I thought that was Wolfgang.’

He grinned. ‘He is too, not that he’ll admit it.’ He glanced at the balcony where Wolfgang was still with Rajan and Kala.

‘Being nervous makes sense. We don’t know what we’ll find.’

He gave her a look. ‘You know you can’t come, don’t you? We agreed, just me and Wolfgang.’

She returned his look. ‘If you think the rest of us won’t be with just because we’re not physically with you, then you need to remember what being sensate actually means.’

He laughed and rolled his eyes. ‘All right, I get it.’ He sighed. ‘Riley … I know Wolfgang thinks I’m naïve but … I just want everything to be all right.’

She laid her hand on his knee and squeezed gently. ‘I know you do.’

He dropped his gaze, focusing on her hand. ‘I don’t think …’ He took a deep breath. ‘I know what he did. He … he hurt Elin so much and I know how bad it was but … I just want to believe … that it was all some mistake, that he didn’t mean to do what he did.’

‘Will,’ she said, sternly. ‘It wasn’t a mistake. Deep down, you know that. You know he deliberately manipulated Elin so he could do what he wanted. That’s who he is and he won’t change. People like that don’t change.’

‘But I can’t just stop loving him, Riles, I can’t. He’s my child.’

She laced her fingers through his and held tight. ‘No, you can’t stop loving him, elskan, and you don’t need to. You just need to remember that you can’t ever trust him.’

He looked up at her for a moment. He didn’t say anything but he knew she was right. He couldn’t trust Alois, no matter what his heart told him.

‘What’s going on?’ asked Niki, suddenly beside him. She was frowning heavily, and she folded her arms across her chest. ‘Why are you talking about Alois?’

He glanced up at her. He hadn’t meant to let his children know what was happening until he actually had something to tell them, but he supposed that was the problem with being sensate. You couldn’t always control how connections worked or what information you put out there. Although it seemed Alois could. That was strange.

‘Wolfgang and I are going to talk to BPO about him,’ he explained.

Riley looked up at Niki. ‘We think they took his things from his office. We don’t know whether he asked them to or they did it for some other reason. We’re hoping we can find out.’

‘We should come with you,’ she said, straight to the point.

‘There’s no time,’ said Will, reasonably.

‘I could come,’ said Anwar. ‘I’m not at work today.’

‘There is no point in putting you at risk. We don’t know what we’re going to find when we go.’

‘Do you think he’ll be there?’ asked Elin, her voice shaking a little.

Niki put her arm around her shoulders. ‘He’s not coming anywhere near you, love. He can’t hurt you.’

Elin bit her lip. ‘I don’t think he’s done. His plan … it’s not finished.’

‘What do you know about his plan?’ asked Tora.

Elin shook her head. ‘Nothing. Just that … it wasn’t about me. Or … not just about me.’

‘I think it’s about all of us,’ said Mari. She paused and pulled at her lip, then switched to sign. ‘He is not interested in who we are, just what we are.’

‘Whatever he wants, it’s not going to be good,’ said Rafael. He had bags under his eyes and drooped slightly with exhaustion but his jaw was set and his mouth a thin line.

‘But we can stop him, can’t we?’ said Teddy. He looked around at his cluster, then at Will and Riley. ‘We can do anything together, can’t we?’

‘It won’t be easy,’ said Tora. ‘We can never know when he’s with us. He could be listening now.’

Teddy’s eyes widened. ‘He won’t … he can’t do that, can he? I mean, surely we’d know if he were here?’

Will shook his head. ‘Not necessarily. Sometimes it’s possible to hide, to just sneak in and watch. I did it with Whispers and I know he did it with me.’ He looked around at them all. ‘You should all be careful. It might come to having to take blockers.’ He looked at Riley. ‘At least we’ve got easy access to the best ones now, even if we end up not being able to trust BPO.’

Riley smiled. ‘That’s true. Kala’s are better.’

He smiled back, then glanced around at his children again. ‘Don’t worry, we’ll find out what’s going on. It’ll be all right.’

They all looked back at him and he could feel that they trusted him completely. Niki reached out and grasped his shoulder. ‘If you need us, you know where we are.’

He smiled. ‘I know.’

Mari rubbed at the corners of her mouth before she collected herself and signed at him. ‘Don’t get hurt.’ She used the sign for ‘father’ and gave him a smile.

Then they were gone, leaving him alone with Riley again. He looked at her and took a deep breath. ‘I have to put them first,’ he said. ‘And I will. I won’t let Alois hurt them again.’


	176. Chapter 176

It turned out that Dani had been equally vocal about going to BPO herself, arguing that it was better to have some Sapiens as well as Senates and she, with coaching from Wolfgang, Will and Sun over the years, had become an excellent fighter. Wolfgang was the first to agree that she would be useful but not particularly because of her fighting. In fact, it was because he knew she was an expert in recognising Whispers’ kind.

So mid-morning, Wolfgang, Will, Rajan and Dani stepped up to the BPO headquarters, all feeling nervous. Rajan squeezed Wolfgang hand.

‘Just keep calm and I’m sure everything will be all right,’ he murmured.

Wolfgang nodded. ‘Yeah.’ He glanced at Rajan. ‘Look if things kick off, don’t wade in. Let me and Will handle it.’

Rajan looked at him. ‘I thought we’d agreed my self-defence was pretty good now.’

Wolfgang gave him a small smile. ‘They are. But I don’t want to put you at risk.’

‘Well, I don’t want you at risk either so I suppose we’re both compromising.’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘I guess we are.’ He squeezed Rajan’s hand then let go and focused on the building ahead.

Will watched the small exchange between Wolfgang and Rajan and felt glad that Riley hadn’t insisted on coming. He wasn’t sure he could have handled putting her in danger.

He still wasn’t certain they were in danger but a contrary voice nagged at him and he kept seeing the way Elin’s face had looked, unconscious on that bed.

Both clusters were with them and he knew that, whatever happened, they weren’t alone. They were never alone.

He glanced at Dani, who had a determined set to her delicate jaw. Of course, he couldn’t feel her emotions but he knew her well enough now to be able to read her. She was both frightened and determined and he knew she would have his back.

‘When will we have to fight?’ Dani asked.

Wolfgang took a breath, focused on the building’s entrance just ahead. ‘Not going in. Maybe when we try to leave.’

‘Let’s try and keep the mindset that we’re just going to talk to River,’ said Rajan. ‘We’re at no risk from her.’

Wolfgang didn’t reply but Will could feel him steeling himself. In fact, Will could feel the anxiety of both clusters pulsing at him as they made their way into the building.

River wasn’t expecting them, because they wanted to keep their visit as quiet as possible. Will tried to tell himself that this was overkill but he knew that the caution was sensible. They had already learned that trusting the wrong people could get them killed.

When her assistant led them into her office, River looked up from her desk at them, her eyebrows lifting in surprise.

‘I don’t think I was expecting you,’ she said, in English. ‘Please, sit down. How can I help you?’

No one accepted her offer to sit down and Will shifted awkwardly. He didn’t know where to start.

‘We want to know if we can still trust you,’ said Wolfgang.

Will’s jaw tensed. That was a little more adversarial than he’d hoped this conversation would start.

River stood and looked around at them one, holding their gazes one by one. ‘I hope that you know that I want to protect all of you and all other Sensates. You know I am passionate about building a world where both sides of humanity can work together again. What makes you worry that you cannot trust me?’

‘Because you’re probably working with someone like Whispers again,’ Wolfgang said.

Will felt Rajan lay a hand on the small of his back but it didn’t ease the tension Wolfgang was admitting in waves. This wasn’t fair. Wolfgang shouldn’t be speaking to River like that.

‘We do trust you,’ he said. He glanced at Wolfgang. ‘Remember what River did for us, Wolfie. She fought Whispers for years.’

Wolfgang spared him half a glance but his tension didn’t ease. He stayed quiet this time.

‘They’re all a little tense,’ said Rajan, in an apologetic tone. ‘It’s just … something has happened which has rattled them.’

River looked from Will to Wolfgang again, then extended her hand again. ‘Please, do sit down and we can talk about this properly. I want to hear what’s going on and maybe I can help.’

Dani glanced around at them all, then sat down on one of the two chairs directly in front of the desk. Will followed her lead and sat too. Rajan pulled a chair over and sat beside them. Only Wolfgang stubbornly remained standing, despite Kala giving him a gentle push to sit.

For a moment, Will wondered where to start. Riley laid her hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. ‘Just tell her the basics.’

With Riley’s hand on his shoulder, Will took a deep breath and began. ‘I gave birth,’ he said. ‘Last year and they’re all fine except … one of them. He’s like Whispers.’

River listened quietly, her expression grave.

‘He kidnapped one of his own cluster and made the others believe she’d killed herself. He was keeping her in a coma, and we think he was experimenting on her somehow, or planning to. We don’t know why. We managed to rescue her but he’s gone into hiding and we’re worried he’s up to something now.’

‘I see. Why does that make you doubt me?’

‘Not you personally but … some people who looked very much like BPO took his things from his office. And last year, he was hiding in the facility in Iceland.’

‘We no longer use that facility. It is locked down.’

‘He got in with a code,’ said Wolfgang. ‘He didn’t crack it. He knew the code.’

River’s brow furrowed. ‘That is concerning. I know of nobody but a few select members of our organisation who know that code.’

‘You can’t blame them for feeling wary,’ said Dani. ‘It does sound suspicious.’

‘I agree. It does. What is this man’s name? Have you got a picture of him?’

Will took out his phone. ‘His name is Alois Ricken.’ He opened a picture he’d downloaded from his work profile and showed it to her. ‘This is him.’

She looked at the picture, then shook her head. ‘I have never seen him before.’ She looked around at them, her gaze coming to rest on Wolfgang. ‘I know every one of my employees. This man does not work for us.’

Wolfgang looked blankly back at her. Will could feel how stiff with tension he was and the feeling immediately made him worry.

‘I want to see the machine,’ Wolfgang said.

They all looked round at him in shock. They knew which machine he was talking about. The one Dacian had used, the one inspired by Whispers’ original. It had, in fact, been built by the part of Whispers which had still lived in Dacian’s mind. It had tortured Wolfgang and nearly been responsible for bringing Whispers back.

River met Wolfgang’s intense gaze. ‘It is safe. I promise.’

‘I want to see it.’

She shook her head. ‘I cannot allow that. Just taking you there would introduce unnecessary risk. But I promise you, it is safe. Only a handful of people have access to it.’

‘I want to know who.’

Her jaw worked for a moment as she considered. ‘Only four of us have access. Myself and three other people I would trust with my life. Yrsa, one of my scientists, Henri Chéron, and my assistant, Vivianna Edwards. You trust Yrsa, of course, and the others are beyond reproach. Neither worked with Whispers. In fact, Vivianna never met him.’

Wolfgang still didn’t look happy but he didn’t say anything.

‘Is there anything else you need to know which would make you happier?’

‘We want you to promise you won’t have anything to do with him,’ said Wolfgang.

‘Was it really not you who took Alois’s things from his office?’ asked Will.

She shook her head. ‘Certainly nothing I authorised. I will double-check but it is no order I have given.’ She sighed, leaning back in her chair. ‘I am concerned that you think there may be something going on in BPO. Corruption is rife in many organisations and I would not be so naïve to think there is none in mine. We are extremely large, of course, and people can be weak to the pull of power.’

She met their gazes one by one. ‘I don’t know if there is anything to worry about but I will find out. I need you to trust that the safety of every sensate is of utmost importance to me. You must know that.’

‘We do,’ said Nomi. She glanced round at them all, her gaze coming to rest on Wolfgang. ‘We do.’

Wolfgang shrugged non-committedly, leaving it up to Will to answer.

‘We do, River. We trust you.’

She gave him a smile. ‘I’m glad to hear it. Any concerns you have at any time, please do come to me. I will investigate how the code to the facility in Iceland was leaked.’ She paused then looked at Wolfgang again. ‘May I ask … I presume you entered the facility to rescue your friend. How did you get in?’

He shrugged and gave her a slight grin. ‘I cracked it.’ He glanced at Rajan with a smirk. Will got the feeling he was showing off a little. ‘I can help you with your security if you like,’ he said to River. Definitely showing off.

A few minutes later, they left River’s office. As they did so, Wolfgang glanced around, still not quite sure whether to expect a fight or not. He would be ready, no matter what. He would protect Rajan, Will and Dani if he needed to. He would protect his family from any threat, from that psychopath or from anyone and anything else that threatened.

River’s assistant showed them out. Vivianna. She was tall and pretty, in an aristocratic kind of way. She gave them a friendly smile but there was something more behind her eyes, an intelligence that she didn’t seem keen to show off. Wolfgang reasoned that River must know her well and River had always been a good judge of character.

To his surprise, Dani grasped his arm as they left, her fingers tight on his bicep. He glanced at her and didn’t see fear, just an urgency.

‘What is it?’ he asked.

Dani shook her head and didn’t respond.


	177. Chapter 177

‘So, what’s the verdict?’ Hernando asked as they all sat around the living room once they’d got home.

‘She wasn’t lying,’ said Lito.

‘Of course, she wasn’t,’ said Nomi. ‘This is River. If anyone is on our side, she is.’ She kept glancing out onto the balcony, where Melika and Konani were playing a marble game Oma had shown them. It was the largest balcony so there was plenty of room to play and there was a proper wall around it but she still preferred to keep an eye on them.

‘What about Alois? Do you think he was there?’ Amanita asked.

‘He wasn’t there,’ said Elin, unwilling to actually mention his name. ‘I would have felt him.’

‘Agreed,’ said Will. ‘He wasn’t there.’

‘So, what do we do now?’ asked Capheus. ‘Do we need to find him? Or should we just let it drop now? Maybe he’s decided he doesn’t want anything to do with Sensates and he just wants to live his life now.’

‘We can’t spend the rest of our lives chasing him,’ said Riley. ‘Maybe we _should_ let it drop now.’ She glanced at Wolfgang. ‘What do you think?’

Wolfgang, who had been letting their words wash over him, looked up. He met her gaze, then looked around at the rest of them. ‘I don’t know.’ He glanced at Dani, who was quiet. ‘I just don’t want him to hurt anyone else.’

‘What made you ask about the machine?’ asked Rajan.

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘It just … feels like something he’d be interested in.’

‘The power, you mean?’ Kala asked, jiggling Anika on her knee. ‘Getting control over another person.’

He nodded, watching Anika. She wasn’t giggling as she normally would when getting bounced on someone’s knee. Instead, she was watching him almost gravely. ‘Yeah. I don’t think any of us understand him but it feels like that’s what he wants. The machine would give him that.’

‘What machine?’ asked Niki.

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter. He can’t get access to it.’ He sighed and got up. He needed air.

‘If this machine is something that could be used against us, I think we should know what it is,’ said Niki.

‘Someone else tell them,’ said Wolfgang, heading out onto the balcony. He didn’t want to hear about it. he didn’t want to think about it.

The kids were too absorbed in their game to pay much attention to him. Melika glanced at him as he came outside but almost immediately went back to her game. 

He leaned against the wall and looked out. He never mentioned this to the others but, every now and then, he still heard Whispers’ voice in his head. He was still a part of him and he knew he always would be.

He felt it in Will too sometimes. He remembered that day far too well when they’d had to fight against their clustermate. He’d been prepared to kill him if necessary, though he’d never been more glad of anything else than when that hadn’t been necessary. He’d killed many people in his life but, if he’d had to hurt Will to stop him, he never would have been able to forgive himself.

He heard footsteps behind him and felt Will. A moment later, he stood beside him, their shoulders touching as they both looked out over Paris.

‘I didn’t want to hear about it either,’ Will said.

Wolfgang glanced briefly at him, then away again. Will’s brow was furrowed and he could feel the pain under the surface.

‘Who’s telling them about it?’

Will smiled a little. ‘Rajan, even though he can’t see any of them.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘And I bet he’s doing it perfectly.’ He sighed. ‘Do you still want to find Alois?’

He didn’t answer for a long moment. Wolfgang listened to his breathing; that slow _in-out_ was broken occasionally by a small hitch. Then he took a deep breath and answered.

‘Part of me wants to because I still care what happens to him. I can’t _help_ that. And another part wants to find him to make sure he never hurts anyone ever again. And then …’

‘What?’

‘Then there’s the part that wants just to forget all about him, to never set eyes on him ever again.’

Wolfgang let his words sink in, thinking before he replied. ‘I always used to think … that people shouldn’t get away with things, that they should be made to pay. People like my father, Sun’s brother, Whispers, those people don’t deserve to be in this world. But …’

‘What?’ Will asked, turning to look at him.

‘Sometimes you have to back down to protect yourself.’

Will gave him a half-smile. ‘I never thought I’d hear _you_ say that.’

Wolfgang glanced back into the living room, where he could just see the outlines of his family. ‘I have more to protect now.’

‘That makes more sense.’ He put his arm around Wolfgang’s shoulders. ‘You’ve never been that good at protecting yourself you know. But your friends, your family, you’d do anything to protect them.’ He sighed, his arm dropping to his side. ‘Even give up.’

‘Maybe that is the best thing we can do to protect them.’

‘I’d do anything to protect them.’

‘We will all protect them,’ Wolfgang said, resolutely.

When they went back inside, everybody looked at them. Then Rajan took a deep breath and spoke.

‘We all feel this search for Alois should be dropped now. This is not to say that we would not react if we found out something dangerous about him but … we all feel that to continue to search for him now could have the opposite effect when it comes to protecting us all.’

‘We think we should give him the chance,’ said Kala. ‘To live the life he wants to live. As long he isn’t hurting anybody.’

‘And now BPO knows what he looks like, River will make sure they don’t have anything to do with him, won’t she?’

‘Maybe he just hired a van to take his things away and he’s moved to Germany, or back with his parents,’ said Capheus.

‘We agree,’ said Will. ‘Assuming nothing else happens, yeah, we can let it drop.’ He smiled round at them, then looked at Lito with a grin. ‘So, how are the wedding arrangements coming?’

As Lito and Hernando launched into an excited wedding update and the other cluster all returned to their physical selves, Wolfgang sat back down on the sofa and leaned against Rajan. His husband put his arm around him and started rubbing his shoulders. Wolfgang let himself relax into the sensation as he felt his tension ease under those skilful hands. 

But as he sat there, his gaze wandered to Dani. She was sitting next to Lito, giving all the appearance of listening attentively to the wedding talk. But she was chewing her lip and twisting her hair in a painful-looking grip in her fingers. He may not be able to feel her emotions but he recognised anxiety when he saw it.


End file.
